Book Jacket

 

rank 1161
word count 249721
date submitted 28.03.2011
date updated 29.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Romance
classification: universal
complete

If Only Tonight

Andene

Mia has no idea what she's in for when she gets a job working with her favorite player...Matthew...

 

Mia has no idea what she's in for when she lands her dream job working as a sports injury specialist. She's thrilled when she finds out she'll be working with her favorite player: Matthew Rossi. Her happiness is shattered when it turns out that Matt hates her from the moment they meet. He goes all out to make sure Mia quits.

Matt knows one thing for sure: Mia doesn't belong with him. No matter what he feels towards her, he's not right for her. He tries to push her away but there is something keeps drawing him to her.

Together all they know is that there must be a way for them to be together. Love is worth it...right?

 
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tags

brampton, canada, cars, england, football, london, matthew, mia, nathaniel, oliver, romance, soccer

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38 comments

 

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Chapters

17

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Chapter Sixteen: Out Of Tune

Into The Storm

Chapter Sixteen: Out Of Tune

"What's going on with you?"

"What are you talking about?" Matthew asked Oliver.

"You seem to be upset about something." Oliver told him

Matthew sometimes forgot how well Oliver knew him. There were a few things bothering him. The main one being Mia. He could've kicked himself for telling her they weren't friends. But he wasn't about to tell Oliver that. Clearly Mia hadn't said anything about it either. Instead Matthew decided to tell Oliver the other thing that was bothering him.

"I'm just a little nervous about the international games. I know Italy has one in December, but they haven't told me if I'll be playing, and Nathaniel doesn't know either. I guess I'm just worried about not making the squad."

It had been haunting him that they may have left both him and Nathaniel off the squad. Matthew had been hoping that he would find out soon. He had really wanted to play against the Luxembourg. Even Nathaniel was looking forward to it.

"Is that all?" Oliver asked him.

"Yea."

"So how's Ariana?" Matthew asked Oliver, changing the subject, their training session had finally ended.

These days it seemed that everyone had something on their minds. Both Mia and Oliver were looking a little weary. No doubt, he was probably looking the same for completely different reasons.

"She's alright." Oliver sighed.

"How's her mother?" Matthew asked. He knew Ariana had stayed behind to take care of her ailing mother. It must have been hard for the both of them to live so far apart from each other. Matthew knew how much Oliver had been hoping for them to start a family.

"She's not doing any better. Ariana's not sure how much longer she has." Oliver sounded upset.

"I'm sorry." Matthew said, putting a hand on Oliver's shoulder.

"It's okay...it's been a long time coming. It's just hard to think..." Oliver trailed off.

"What's hard to think?" Matthew asked, as they headed for the direction of the dormitories.

"It's hard to think my future kids won't know their grandparents."

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"Where is he? What did you do to him?"

Mia woke up with a jolt. Sitting up she realized she was covered in a cold sweat. The words and her screams kept echoing in her head. Taking a deep breath she tried to calm herself.

The closer it got to Max's memorial, the more she had been dreaming of her brother's death.

Turning to look if the others were still sleeping, Mia saw that neither Oliver nor Matthew had woken up because of her. Lying back in her bed, Mia stared up into the darkness.

I miss you Max, Mia thought glumly. It had been five years since he had passed away. There were still odd moments when Mia would expect her brother to call. Lying in the stillness of the night, Mia tried to conjure up his voice. During the first few months after his death, she had been terrified that she would forget how Max looked like, the sound of his voice, she was scared to forget him.

Even now Mia would see something that reminded her of Max, and she could feel her throat clench up. He had always stuck up for her against their mother, and here she was snubbing their mother through him. Mia couldn't help but feel a little ashamed. He stuck up for me only until- Shut up brain! Mia berated herself for trying to find an excuse.

Maybe I should go home, Mia pondered, it's been so long... Mia still hadn't sent her father a reply. The email had been in her draft folder, forgotten. The memorial was the week after next.

Stifling a yawn, Mia got out of her bed silently, and left for the living room. Finding her laptop, she started it up and logged in.

Looking over her email, Mia deleted some of it started to write once more. Once she was satisfied, Mia read it over once more.

'Dear Dad,

How are you? I'm fine. I've been busy with work, so I'm sorry about taking so long to reply. I love being out of the university. For once, I don't have to worry about publishing papers. Hope you and Mom are alright. I know it's been a while since I've been home...I missed the cottage this year too. I miss you. I hope I'll be able to come for the memorial. I'll go and ask Mr. Pettyfer tomorrow if I can take some time off. I don't think I'll be able to stay for the holidays...the team has a big match on Boxing Day, so I'll have to be back here before that.

Hope to see you soon,

Love,

Mia'

Proud for not taking a shot at her mother, Mia clicked send. Falling back against the couch, Mia hoped everything would work out. Now all I have to do is ask Felix...She thought tiredly. Sitting on the couch, Mia let her thoughts drift off to think about Max.

"Sorry, Matthew...you've been left off of the squad."

He was flabbergasted. He couldn't find the words to speak. It was then he felt the ground beneath him give way. He started falling, the feeling of despair enveloping him.

Matthew woke up suddenly. Breathing hard, he looked around in the dark allowing his eyes adjust. It was then he noticed the bed beside him was empty.

Where is she? Matthew thought with concern. Is she okay?

Getting up quietly, Matthew saw a light in the living room. Breathing a sigh of relief, Matthew peered around the half open door. There she was, sitting on the couch, contemplating something. She's fine, Matthew thought, tearing his eyes away from her.

Going back to his bed, Matthew lay facing the wall. It was hard to think he could be left off the squad. As Matthew waited for sleep to find him, he heard Mia enter the room. It was worse to think he had moronically messed things up with Mia. Would he get another chance?

A knock sounded on the door of her office. Mia turned to see who it was. In front of her, Matthew stood leaning against the door watching her carefully. On time, Mia thought with a certain air of smugness. Since their little boxing match, Matthew had not come late, not even once to Mia's delight. There's hope for you yet, Rossi, Mia thought to herself.

He didn't say anything as he sat down on the examining table, Mia stifled a groan. He was still as unfriendly as ever. Dealing with him had fast become her least favourite thing. She got his file and sat back in her chair.

"How's your wrist? Does it still hurt?" She asked; looking over the notes Jon had sent her.

"It's fine." Was his terse reply.

"Great." Mia muttered under her breath. This is going to be a while...Joy...Mia thought dully, getting up and walking over to him as she went through his file.

"Hello Matthew."

"Hello sir." Matthew replied. His cell phone had been ringing during practice. Finally checking who had been calling him, Matthew had been pleasantly surprised to see the Italian football team manager's number.

Although hesitant as he had dialled the number, Matthew hoped that the manager had called to tell him good news. Otherwise why would he waste his time? Matthew asked himself, unsure he really wanted to find out the other possibility.

"Matthew, we would be delighted to have you on the squad for the match against Luxembourg."

Stunned to silence, Matthew opened and closed his mouth, unable to find the right words.

"The match is on December 8th, but you know the drill. Players should be there a week before. We have a lot of practices scheduled."

"Thank you, sir. It's an honour." Matthew managed, as the manager went on in detail.

Hanging up the phone, Matthew stood, basking in his happiness. It wasn't long before he bolted out of the room and up the stairs. Pounding on the door with excitement, it took all of his power to contain his joy.

"Nathaniel, did you get the call?" Matthew asked, still a little breathless from the news and having rushed up the stairs to Nathaniel's dorm room.

"I just got their call! We're both going to the Luxembourg!" Nathaniel gave Matthew a high-five.

"This is going to be awesome!" Nathaniel said, excitedly.

"Yea, it is." Matthew said, sitting on the couch.

"Have you told Felix yet?"

"No, I just found out...we should go do that now."

"Mia, have you talked to your boss yet?"

Having finally answered a call from her father, Mia sighed away from the receiver, deciding to answer truthfully.

"No, Dad. I haven't had the time. I've been working all morning. Plus, I would have to make an appointment with his secretary."

"Mellenia..."

"Alright, alright...I'll go in a little while to see if he has time. If he doesn't, I'll make an appointment for tomorrow at the latest." She hated it when her father used her name in its entirety.

"Okay, sweetheart." Her father relented.

"So...how is everything, Dad?" Mia asked, trying to change the subject.

"Everything is fine. Your mother is doing well."

"Oh I bet she is..." Mia muttered under her breath.

"What was that?" Her father asked her.

"It's good to hear that she's alright." Mia said quickly.

"You know she does love you, Mia." She could hear the exasperation in her father's voice.

"If you say so."

"Honey-"

"Dad, it's okay. I'll be good. Anyway, I should go check in on Felix. Maybe he has a few minutes to spare." Mia interrupted her father, trying to keep him from justifying her mother's attitude towards her.

"Well then, I hope I'll see you soon."

"Yea...take care, Dad." Mia said, as she hung up the phone. She hated ending the conversation so abruptly. Getting up with a heavy heart, Mia left her office and walked down the hall towards Felix's.

Upon entering the large office, Mia saw the secretary look up at her.

"Hi, Ms. Wheldon. Does Mr. Pettyfer have a few minutes? I was hoping I could ask him some questions." Mia said to the elderly lady.

"I'm not sure if he has time today, but I'll check his books." She told Mia.

Standing at the receptionist's desk, Mia looked around the room. There were many pictures that framed the room; some were from times long before the current squad. In one corner of the room was a blown up photo of Matthew with the ball. The look of concentration on his face was captivating. I wonder what he thinks in those moments. Mia thought curiously. He looked impressive. His blue eyes focused on the ball.

As the secretary turned to her, Mia returned her attention to the task at hand.

"You may be able to see-"

Ms. Wheldon was interrupted by Felix's office door opening. Mia saw him step out and take a look around. As his eyes settled on her, Mia saw him break into a smile.

"Ah, Mia! I was just about to send for you!"

Mia couldn't stop the questioning look that must have crossed her face. Am I in trouble? She asked herself.

"Come in, Mia. There is much to talk about." Felix ushered her in to his office. As she entered, Mia's face fell. Already sitting in the office were Nathaniel and Matthew.

"That's why I will need you to accompany these two." Felix told Mia.

Matthew could see her sitting stiff, her back poker straight. Purposely sitting as far from him as possible, Mia had yet to look at him. Clearly she wasn't too happy with this development. She seemed to be apprehensive about the whole situation.

"You will be paid overtime for this. I believe these two are the only ones on your roster that play for their international squad. Oliver and Lucas retired a few years back, and the others have not been selected for England's squad."

Mia looked to be deep in thought. Finally she spoke.

"When will they be playing their match?" She asked.

Felix had not yet told her when Matthew and Nathaniel would be playing.

"You will be going next week; they have practices scheduled throughout the week. The game against Luxembourg is December 8th."

"I was going to ask you for time off during that week." Mia said taken aback.

"You can take two weeks right after their match. It'll give you a break before the Boxing day match." Felix told her, sounding hopeful.

Matthew watched her carefully, she was contemplating the idea. She muttered a few words.

"But...my family..."

What about your family? He wondered. Was there something that she would be missing?

A look of relief crossed her face, puzzling him. It was then Matthew heard her sigh. She was going to accept.

"Okay. I'll go. Is it okay if I just fly home from Luxembourg the day after their match?"

"Yes, of course. Ms. Wheldon will book your flights; just tell her where you will be going for your break. Matthew will book a room for you at the hotel where he and Nathaniel will be staying for the week. I think that just about covers it."

At last, Mia looked at Matthew. She glared at him, her green eyes glinting with fury. This is all your fault! The look on her face told him.

Felix turned his attention towards him and Nathaniel.

"Matthew and Nathaniel, I hope you two do well. Take care of yourselves, all of you. And Mia," Felix looked over to her, Matthew watched as she met Felix's gaze.

"Don't worry about anything. I'm sure everything will be fine."

Walking out of the main office, Mia clenched her fists. The thought of having to talk to her father about cancelling was not boding well with her.

Matthew and Nathaniel were walking ahead of her. Without much thought, Mia had told the secretary to book her flight home from Luxembourg, and then to Australia. Knowing she would need some time to forget her mother, it would be the perfect time to see Stacie.

Nathaniel said his goodbye as he headed for the gym, leaving Matthew and Mia to walk to their room, together.

If uneasiness between them was an indication of how the upcoming week would go, Mia hoped there wouldn't be much interaction between herself and Matthew. Please, let me get a room far, far away from him, Mia found herself hoping.

"You're not missing anything important with your family next week, are you?" She heard Matthew ask.

Mia looked up at him. He seemed interested. For some reason, he seemed to talk to her out of the blue. Whenever he spoke she was usually alone.

"It's none of your concern...just a family get together." She wound up telling him.

"Are you sure? We don't need a distracted doctor to come along with us."

Feeling the heat rising to her face, Mia was more than a little stung by the comment. How dare he question my ability! She thought with resentment.

"Firstly, I am not distracted. Secondly, you should be worried more about yourself than about me. And third, it'll be your fault if I am distracted." She told him, completely miffed.

"It's not my fault. Felix wanted you to come." He defended himself.

"Yea...because of you. It's always because of you! Anyway, I don't even know why I'm bothering to argue with you. We're not friends. You shouldn't care if I think it's your fault, which I do." She told him, angrily. His blue eyes registered surprise in seeing her upset.

It was then Mia's phone started to ring. Mia glanced at the screen. It was her father. Crap! Mia thought.

"I have to take this. I'd say we'll talk later but we both know that's not going to happen...so I'll talk to you, never."

Mia walked away, furious with the way everything was always working in his favour. She was always being dragged in to something that involved him. If this is punishment for not actually wanting to go home...then you've made your point! Mia thought with bitterness. Knowing who was waiting to talk to her, Mia nervously answered the call.

"Hey, Dad."

 

Chapters

17

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Bea Sinclair wrote 73 days ago

An interesting premise for a romance. I read the prologue and from there I was compelled to read on, great hook!. Have now read ch 1-3 and am really getting to know Mia. Your dialogue in particular really moves the story along. Well done. Starred and watch-listed. Yours Bea

LCF Quartet wrote 130 days ago

Dear Andene,
It took me a while to decide which book of yours to read, as all the three sounded so good to me...they're so my genre.
I only read the first few chapters of IF ONLY TONIGHT to have a feel of the story, and your writing style in general. Wow, it's a very long book!

What impressed me the most is your sense of dialogue. They're quite believable and complement the description parts in a good, healthy balance. The characters and the overall plot develops in a great pace as well.

I look forward to reading more, or a few random chapters so that I can send you new feedback with my thoughts.

6 stars and in my Watch List,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Shelby Z. wrote 435 days ago

WOW chapter 60 through 62 are my favorite chapters in this book.
I just love the way things are panning out for your characters. The whole feel is just right as is the pacing!
One thing I haven't stated before is that I enjoy your wording for all of the outfits Mia ears. Makes me see them so clearly.
Super work.
Can't wait to read on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

AmandaMary wrote 429 days ago

Nice opening, fluid writting, only read chapter one but will tramp on with more, enjoying what i have read thus far, easy bed time reading. I have just backed this. Would you mind taking a look at my book A journey back from naivety? back it if you like it. I look forward to reading more of your book, thanks for sharing.

scargirl wrote 428 days ago

the book is easy to read, as the dialogue flows well. i am not sure i like matt. the long pitch is a bit confusing and perhaps overtelling. draw me and then surprise me...
j
what every woman should know

Bea Sinclair wrote 73 days ago

An interesting premise for a romance. I read the prologue and from there I was compelled to read on, great hook!. Have now read ch 1-3 and am really getting to know Mia. Your dialogue in particular really moves the story along. Well done. Starred and watch-listed. Yours Bea

LCF Quartet wrote 130 days ago

Dear Andene,
It took me a while to decide which book of yours to read, as all the three sounded so good to me...they're so my genre.
I only read the first few chapters of IF ONLY TONIGHT to have a feel of the story, and your writing style in general. Wow, it's a very long book!

What impressed me the most is your sense of dialogue. They're quite believable and complement the description parts in a good, healthy balance. The characters and the overall plot develops in a great pace as well.

I look forward to reading more, or a few random chapters so that I can send you new feedback with my thoughts.

6 stars and in my Watch List,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Shelby Z. wrote 204 days ago

If Only Tonight by Andene
A deep and sweet story filled with twists and turns in the Life of both Mia and Matthew.
Though some of the language is a little over the top, I really love this story.
Mia is a pure character. Her life is tragic with a mother who cares more for a dead son than her living son. She struggles to keep her job tending to the soccer team players. Mia doesn't drink, sex, or cuss. She is a special and sweet girl with a lot of heart to her character.
Matt doesn't make life easy for Mia, but she keeps her chin up and works hard despite the problems with Matt.
The team really takes care of Mia against a overbearing player and Matt's problems.
It is a beautiful book worth the read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 415 days ago

Chapter 67 very good though emotional.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 425 days ago

Chapter 66 is so touching.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 428 days ago

Amazing new chapters. The pull is so wonderful for the reader.
There is so much that happened to come to these three chapters.
Wonderfully done again.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

scargirl wrote 428 days ago

the book is easy to read, as the dialogue flows well. i am not sure i like matt. the long pitch is a bit confusing and perhaps overtelling. draw me and then surprise me...
j
what every woman should know

Shelby Z. wrote 428 days ago

Love the new cover. It is really special looking.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

AmandaMary wrote 429 days ago

Nice opening, fluid writting, only read chapter one but will tramp on with more, enjoying what i have read thus far, easy bed time reading. I have just backed this. Would you mind taking a look at my book A journey back from naivety? back it if you like it. I look forward to reading more of your book, thanks for sharing.

Shelby Z. wrote 435 days ago

WOW chapter 60 through 62 are my favorite chapters in this book.
I just love the way things are panning out for your characters. The whole feel is just right as is the pacing!
One thing I haven't stated before is that I enjoy your wording for all of the outfits Mia ears. Makes me see them so clearly.
Super work.
Can't wait to read on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 442 days ago

Your new chapters are really well done once again.
The tension rises and the thrill of this is all so good.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 457 days ago

I really enjoyed the three new chapters. I love the way things are going for everyone.
I am dying to know how this book will turn out.
Looking forward to the rest.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 469 days ago

LOVE the three new chapters. They are captivating and making the story unfold beautifully.
I can't wait to read the rest when you get them up!
Wonderful!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 470 days ago

I read the new chapters last night. They are so very well developed and keep your story flowing along nicely.
You sure now how to write!
Great work!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

JMF wrote 476 days ago

Hi Andene,
I like Chick lit so thought I'd take a look at this. First of all, I like the idea behind the story and it starts off well. The prologue leaves enough intrigue to want to continue so I was happy to read the next two chapters. There are a few consistency issues such as stating that the cottage belongs to her parents and then saying that it is hers a few sentences later. You mention she has 'parched lips' - perhaps a little over the top as she hasn't been stuck in the desert without water for days on end! I like the cliff hanger at the end of the prologue.
In Chapter One Felix is referred to as Felix and then Mr Pettyfer by the secretary. I think she would either use one or the other.
During her interview Mia says she comes from Toronto and then clarifies this by saying that it is in Canada. This comes over as a little condescending and I'm not sure that Mia is like this. She could say she comes from Canada, Toronto to be exact.
Occasionally there is a clumsy turn of phrase such as, "Her emerald green eyes were something he'd never seen before." Maybe it could be changed to something like "He'd never seen such stunning emerald green eyes."
These are just small points and as you are aware, totally subjective! I hope you find them helpful.
I really enjoyed reading the first few chapters and I wish you luck with your writing.
All the best.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

katjay wrote 484 days ago

Andene
If Only Tonight
Hi Andene, sorry it's been such a long time getting back to you, but I've been so busy recently. My apologies! I've read the prologue and first two chapters. Great pitch certainly draws you into the story and I want to find out how Mia and Matt pan out. Some small grammar issues but nothing that can't be fixed.
Well done.
Kat x (Hens from Hell)

Mystery Reader wrote 489 days ago

Great work on your book!
The pitch is drawing.
The title is unique but foretells of what you have to write.
Your books starts off so well, because it is a future so you can bring it right up to that point.
Your characters are so clearly developed and set apart.
The hold story line is very creative and new.
Super work here.

*Reader*

Shelby Z. wrote 489 days ago

Okay found your web novel.
Read two more chapters, super good.
I am dying to know how it will turn out.

SHelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 489 days ago

Amazing work you've done here, but I want to read the rest of it. It is just soo good.
Super Amazing work here.
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 490 days ago

Chapters 21-23.
SOOOO good.
I love the idea of the ring that Mia wears, that is soooo very cool and fun. I love the way you made her character.
Super grand job with it.
Keep it up!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 491 days ago

Chapter 18-20
Getting even better!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 492 days ago

Read chapters 14-17.
I love the part where they are swinging at the park. I love to swing! Anyhow it adds a special tone to that chapter.
The way you are developing everything is quite well. Sometimes there seem to be a lot of jumping between characters in chapter 16.
I really enjoy the way you put morals for these characters. They aren't heavy party people and the sex issue is kept down to nothing.
Really super job here.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 505 days ago

Two more chapters read.
It is still a good story that you have here. The plot is really folding out at a good pace and the character development is perfect. No mistakes so far either.
I am up to chapter 12 now.
Keep up the good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Hope to read more at a later date.

Shelby Z. wrote 519 days ago

This is written really well.
I really enjoy how the story starts off in a gripping way. I'm glad that you've only put a few swearwords in your book. It makes it worth reading.
You make everything flow super well.
Your characters form at a good pace.
No misspelling or wrong words, so good job there.
I do enjoy how it goes.
GREAT JOB!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

L_MC wrote 537 days ago

Andene, I saw you've recently updated this so read the prologue and four chapters. Your long pitch suggested a story that would appeal to me and I do like the antagonism and confused feeling you have set up between Matthew and Mia in these initial chapters. I want to know who Matthew didn't want to think about, why he is so afraid of finding love and there is a hint there will be more to come about how Max died and how that has affected Mia. Looking forward to seeing how it works out between these two.

They are some minor typos and I did wonder why Felix was still assuming M Brooklyn was a man after he had already spoken to Mia's boss. I think it's natural for people to refer to those they are talking about as he/she his/hers etc so think Dr Phillips would have given away Mia's gender.

Ivan Amberlake wrote 577 days ago

I read the prologue and part of Chapter 1 and I definitely love your main character Mia! The prologue is a great hook - it makes me wonder about what will happen after Mia answers the phone. You introduce her very well in the first chapter. Mellenia is an unusual name - I love it. By the way, you have a great cover! On the whole, I think your book will appeal to ChickLit/Romance lovers and I wish you the best of luck with your wonderful book. I hope to return to it when I have a bit more time :) Embellished it with loootsss of stars!

Ivan Amberlake

Su Dan wrote 696 days ago

you write this very well. great pace and style brings the story and characters to life...
l shall back
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Andene wrote 697 days ago

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll work on the short sentences!
~Andene

Story sounds inviting from the pitch. Your sentences are often quite short, making the reading quite abrupt, rather than flowing. And watch out for the odd repeated word and missed word, eg 'eyes' in para 6 and the word 'see'? in para 9. Good luck.

wendyjones wrote 706 days ago

Story sounds inviting from the pitch. Your sentences are often quite short, making the reading quite abrupt, rather than flowing. And watch out for the odd repeated word and missed word, eg 'eyes' in para 6 and the word 'see'? in para 9. Good luck.

Wendy Proteau wrote 720 days ago

Hi Andene!
I read through your work and i think you have a great story. As others have mentioned, there are some ways to combine some of the paragraphs in order to improve the flow. Sometimes using dialogue can move the story faster, and it will help with the flow. I'll send you an email to show some examples. The punctuation does need a little bit of help (something I had to learn myself)....But i think with a little bit of editing, it will be wonderful.

All my best,
Wendy

Brittany Engstrand wrote 728 days ago

Not bad! First thing I noticed was the name of her hometown... is this a real place? If so, I would maybe put he state or around where it's at because (unless it's just because I'm american) it's possible no one knows where that is. There's quite a few grammar errors like a lot of "..." that could go and some one to two line paragraphs that could be added to another paragraph. Also, yea is technically yeah and a couple of commas are out of place, but as far as the actual story, it's a decent read. This isn't much of my genre, so I don't know too much about how to fix anything on that end. However, The prologue makes me want to find out what happens at that part (which can be a good and bad thing... some will say it makes people want to read on, others will say it makes readers want to rush and maybe even skip ahead).

Whew, okay now that we're past everything harsh, I like the story so I will add it to my shelf. It shows a lot of potential and with a little editing it can go a long way! Best of luck!

Brittany Engstrand
Melaney and The Mirror/ My Last Notes

Juliusb wrote 752 days ago

Dear Adene,

From the full pitch, your book should be interesting, being like bringing the South pole to be intimate and share commonalities North pole. Like Socrates calling on his students and siting down with them to think how the impossible should become possible. I will pick some chapters at random and peruse through them and see how it is mending.

Carol Ritten Smith wrote 772 days ago

Andene, you said you could take it so I have a few words of advice. I started reading Chapter One, but I got so bogged down with dialogue tags, I couldn't carry on. Dialogue tags are to clarify who said what. In the beginning of this chapter there are only two characters, Mia and the secretary. The first few paragraphs don't require any tags. It is obvious who is saying what. Even the 'Mia insisted' part is unnecessary, because the dialogue indicates it. So my advice is to get rid of as many tags as you can. Also, when you use a tag, usually there is a comma in front of it, not a period. IE: . . . and correspondence courses," Mia said, quietly.

Another essential tip. You need to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes. I've corrected a portion so you can see how to do it.

"You were promoted twice in gradeschool?"

Mia blushed again. "Yes," she muttered.

"Which grades?"

"Three and six."

"You finished high school in three years? How?"

"I took virtual school classes and summer school."

Did you notice I got rid of the ellipse (...). Use them very sparingly. And also using adverbs in tags are a bit of a no no. IE: Felix told him, sternly. Your dialogue should relay the sternness in his warning. Editor are put off with words that end in 'ly'. Find a stronger word so you don't need the adverb.

Okay, that's enough criticism. I've read other comments here about your book and it sounds like you have a good story to tell. You just need some dialogue help. Get a grammar book. "Strunk and White's Elements of Style" has the very basics and will benefit you. Do a "ly" search in edit (I think that's where you'll find it) and try to find stronger words for every adverb ending in 'ly'. Getting your story written is only a small part of writing. Editing is where the work begins. Edit, edit and then edit some more. Rewrites are part of the business of writing.

I hope I haven't offended you. I offer this advice with the best intentions to make your writing better. Keep at it. Best wishes, Carol

greengirl525 wrote 773 days ago

This is a really awesome read it so interesting and you have awesome characters
I can't wait to read more of the chapters

GreenGirl525

Gracie Ray wrote 779 days ago

This is such a great read! I love the plot, and you have great characters!!! I can't wait to read again when it's finished!!

Andene wrote 780 days ago

Hi Kirk,

The title is based on the song 'Only Tonight' by JLS...which is an awesome song! You should check it out! Thank you for the comment and backing! It means a lot to me!

Thanks!
Andene

Hi Andene,
Just wanted to know if "If Only Tonight" is a real song or something you wrote up?
Anyway, Mia is an interesting character. The writing needs a little cleaning up, but there are lots of folks here who can help ypu out. Good potential and I'm backing that potential.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

KirkH wrote 784 days ago

Hi Andene,
Just wanted to know if "If Only Tonight" is a real song or something you wrote up?
Anyway, Mia is an interesting character. The writing needs a little cleaning up, but there are lots of folks here who can help ypu out. Good potential and I'm backing that potential.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Red2u wrote 786 days ago

hi there Andene. have gone through the first 2 chapters... thoroughly enjoy the read..quite the smart cookie this Mia have placed on my watchlist for further reading ...good luck

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