Book Jacket

 

rank 1165
word count 249721
date submitted 28.03.2011
date updated 29.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Romance
classification: universal
complete

If Only Tonight

Andene

Mia has no idea what she's in for when she gets a job working with her favorite player...Matthew...

 

Mia has no idea what she's in for when she lands her dream job working as a sports injury specialist. She's thrilled when she finds out she'll be working with her favorite player: Matthew Rossi. Her happiness is shattered when it turns out that Matt hates her from the moment they meet. He goes all out to make sure Mia quits.

Matt knows one thing for sure: Mia doesn't belong with him. No matter what he feels towards her, he's not right for her. He tries to push her away but there is something keeps drawing him to her.

Together all they know is that there must be a way for them to be together. Love is worth it...right?

 
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tags

brampton, canada, cars, england, football, london, matthew, mia, nathaniel, oliver, romance, soccer

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38 comments

 

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Chapters

27

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Chapter Twenty Six - Written All Over Her Face

Unfamiliar Territory

Chapter Twenty Six: Written All Over Her Face

Running laps were one of Matthew's most favorite things to do. Each practice he would try to complete more in the time given. It was like he could outrun all his problems if he went fast enough.

Having passed Nathaniel twice, Matthew slowed down as he saw the younger player look and motion him over.

"What's up?" Matthew asked.

"Nothing...have you seen Mia lately?" Nathaniel asked.

Tensing up a little, Matthew shook his head. Does he know? Matthew asked himself. No one other than Oliver knew about his apparent feelings for Mia.

"No...why?"

"I saw her at the coffee shop with Ryan..." Nathaniel admitted.

Biting on the inside of his cheek, Matthew struggled to contain his discontent. Mia doesn't drink coffee...Matthew remembered. Oliver had asked her once, and she had said no. Something about how one of her friends had reacted badly to coffee and had been taken to the hospital.

"Do you think their going out?" Nathaniel asked.

"I don't know...why? Were you planning to ask her out?" Matthew tried to sound like he was teasing, when in all honesty his insides were starting to knot.

"No! It's just that you told me about Ryan..."

In one sense Matthew was relieved. At least Nathaniel had no intention of asking Mia out. On the other hand, Nathaniel had brought up a valid point...Ryan had been one of the many resident players with a certain reputation...not that Matthew didn't have a record...it was just in comparison Matthew looked almost angelic. At least he thought so...

"It's not our place..." Matthew mumbled, if it was up to him, he would have been at Mia's office right now.

"Since when do you care if it's your place or not?" Oliver's voice piped up.

"Were you listening?" Matthew asked, annoyed. Oliver gave him a grin, running beside him.

"I was. So what are you talking about? What's not your place?" Oliver asked.

Before Matthew could stop Nathaniel, the younger player had blurted it out.

"I think Mia's going out with Ryan...I was just asking Matt-"

"Do you two always plan to interfere in her life?" Oliver interrupted, pointedly. Matthew winced...he wasn't always interfering in her life! Was he?

"We're not interfering...just advising." Nathaniel mumbled.

"She can make her own decisions." Oliver chastised them.

"Alright, alright." Nathaniel muttered raising his hands in defeat, before speeding away.

Confused, Matthew turned to Oliver.

"What the hell! Usually you're all defensive. 'Matt be good or else!'" Matthew mimicked the older player's voice. "Suddenly, you're telling me it's okay to let her do whatever she wants. It's Ryan...he's almost as bad as Jason!" Matthew said heatedly. "Are you punishing me?"

Oliver burst out laughing.

"No, I'm not punishing you. Though you know you should be for how you treated Mia." Oliver told him, as they continued to run.

Nearing the end of the track, Matthew veered off on to the grass with Oliver following. Having completed their time, they grabbed their water bottles and towels. As they stood catching their breaths, Oliver put a hand on Matthew's shoulder.

"Look...as much as I want to try and keep Mia from meeting losers like Ryan...I can't. She's old enough to figure it out. All of us can only try to keep the idiots amongst ourselves away from her. The more you try to isolate her, the more you risk her hating you." He tried to reason with Matthew. "Although...you are one of those guys who should be hated."

"Ha...ha..." Matthew said dryly.

"Sorry, Matt. Just be good to her. Let her see it on her own. All she needs is time. Besides this should take your ego down a notch or two." Oliver said, messing up Matthew's hair.

"Funny." Matthew muttered darkly. "I'm glad one of us is enjoying this."

-----

Rushing to put on her earrings, Mia appraised herself in the bathroom mirror. Wearing a deep blue frock, and black heels; Mia thought she looked alright. Putting the finishing touches to her eyes, lining them with black eyeliner, Mia hoped she hadn't over done it.

Stacie had been shrieking with joy, when Mia had told her that for once she was going out on what would seem like a date. Though she did seem a little down when Mia had told her about Ryan. Who was she hoping I'd go out with? Mia wondered.

Hearing the door open, Mia left the bathroom only to see Matthew and Oliver step in. Right...match in two days, Mia thought, just my luck!

As she looked over at them, she couldn't help but think that Matthew had seemed a little subdued over the last two weeks. Mia couldn't figure out why. Usually he wasn't so brooding...well apart from the first few months, Mia corrected herself. Lately he just seemed distracted.

"Heading out?" Oliver asked her, as they caught sight of her. Matthew stared at her with what seemed like longing. I'm just imagining things, Mia thought clearing her head.

"Yea." Mia replied.

"Where?" Matthew asked.

Mia sighed. Between the two of them and Nathaniel, they had the protective act down to a science. Nathaniel had already asked her the exact same thing.

"Dinner...and a movie." She told him. "Do you two have plans?"

"I have to meet Ariana...she has dinner at her friend's house. I'll be back tomorrow. Matthew is staying." Oliver told her.

One look at Matthew told her he wasn't too happy about it. For a second Mia feared he was back to his former self. Luckily Matthew put that thought to rest.

"Have anything good to watch?" Matthew asked her, staring at the ground. His voice wasn't cold, Mia felt slightly relieved.

"All the Harry Potter movies, I think I have a few TV series on DVD...umm there's Flashpoint, Gossip Girl, The Vampire diaries, and The Big Bang Theory...just check the drawer there are a few others." She told him, motioning to the drawer under the television set.

"So who are you going to dinner with?" Oliver asked her.

"Ryan...we went out for coffee...well hot chocolate...we met up a few times." She told him, squirming. She hated it when anyone asked her questions pertaining to her dates, although she was sure both of them already knew who she was going with.

"Okay." Oliver didn't sound like he minded, on the other hand Matthew looked like he minded it very much.

"You have my cell number, right?" Oliver asked her.

"Yes." Mia answered, a little confused.

"Do you have Matthew's and Nathaniel's?" He asked her.

"No...why?" Mia finally asked.

"In case of emergency, we should be able to reach you and you – us." He told her, as-a-matter-of-factly. He motioned for her to hand her phone over. Mia reluctantly gave it to Matthew, who put in both his and Nathaniel's number. After prattling off her own number, Mia stood there a little annoyed. This is just so they can check up on me, she suspected.

As she got out her favorite knee length black trench coat, Oliver put his stuff in their room, while Matthew flipped through channels on the TV.

"I'll be seeing you." Oliver said, as he walked out of the apartment.

Mia waved to him, before heading to the kitchen to find something to drink. As she got out a glass, a knock sounded on the door. Matthew was too quick for her, reaching the door before she could.

"Hey...Matthew. Is Mia there?" She heard Ryan ask hesitantly.

"Yea, she'll be right out." Matthew replied, opening the door fully. Mia saw Ryan walk in.

"When you told me you were in the North West wing...I thought you were joking." He told her.

"Nope...the East wing was full." She told him.

"So you're her roommate?" He asked Matthew.

"Yea. Me and Oliver."

"Oh...I saw him walking in the parking lot. Wow..." Mia cringed as she heard the interest in his voice.

"I'm ready...let's go." She said, coming towards him.

Tuning to Matthew, she saw him look away.

"See you later." She told him, before rushing out of the room with Ryan in tow.

-----

Checking his phone once again, Matthew couldn't keep himself from hoping that Mia would call. It had only been half an hour since she had left, and here he was hoping she would come back.

I'm pathetic, he told himself.

Finally deciding to watch 'National Treasure' Matthew settled himself for a long night. But it didn't stop him from checking his phone again.

-----

"How long have you been working with Felix?" Ryan asked her.

"I just started this season." Mia told him, wondering if they had already covered the subject during one of their coffee dates.

Picking her way through her spaghetti bolognese, Mia considered telling Stacie to pick her dates next time. It was obvious Ryan wasn't her type...he had spent most of their dinner talking about his house in the Cotswalds, his dog, his career, and his ex-girlfriend. He sounded as though he was still hung up on her.

Although Mia didn't mind not being asked about herself...she wasn't one who enjoyed hearing about how her date had met his ex-girlfriend.

"So how is it living with Oliver and Matthew?" Ryan hadn't forgotten about her living situation. What a surprise...Mia thought darkly. He hadn't asked about much else but her work.

"It's fine. They have their own places now and they only come two days before a match." She told him.

"That must be nice." Ryan commented.

Mia didn't know how to take his words, so she stayed silent.

"So...is Matt seeing anyone?" Ryan asked, all of a sudden.

Caught off gaurd, Mia could feel her stomach knot. She hadn't ever thought that Matthew could be going out with someone. Someone who wasn't her. She had no idea if he was or not...but a guy like Matthew...there was no way he could be single? Was there?

"I don't know...I don't ask..." Mia mumbled, hoping that he would change the subject. Ryan did, he changed the subject back to him. Telling her about the time when he played against London FC after his transfer.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Mia returned her attention to her food.

-----

I've got to find something to do, Matthew thought for the millionth time. He was bored out of his mind. He had stopped the movie halfway through, and had been staring at his phone for the better part of the last hour.

Please ring! He couldn't stop himself from hoping.

Getting off the couch, at last, Matthew moved sluggishly towards the kitchen. Rummaging through the cupboards, he found a bag of chips and one of M&Ms. Walking back to the couch, Matthew put the phone on the coffee table and turned the TV on once more.

Flipping through the channels, Matthew found a documentary on the life span of the sun. This is as good as its going to get...Matthew thought with a shake of his head. He glanced towards his phone once more, before returning his attention to the screen.

-----

Sitting in the darkened theater, Mia moved away from Ryan's roaming hands. He took every opportunity to take her hands, or put his hand on her leg. It was getting on her nerves.

As he tried to put his arms around her shoulders Mia got up.

"I'm going to get a drink." She told him.

Walking out in to the light, Mia moved slowly towards the counter and asking for a Coke. As she paid for it, Mia could feel herself dreading her return to her seat.

Taking her time, Mia sipped on her drink before entering the room. Ryan had picked an action movie. Mia couldn't even remember the name of it. She had lost interest within the first five minutes. It was finally nearing it's end...she would finally be able to go home.

As soon as she had taken her seat, Ryan's hand crept up her leg. Cringing, Mia pulled up her legs on to the seat.

Once the movie finished, Ryan led Mia out. It was past midnight. They headed for his car.

"So, did you enjoy the movie?" He asked her, with a sly grin.

"It was something..." Mia said, hoping she wouldn't hear from him ever again.

Sitting in his car, Mia waited for him to start the engine.

"Do you want to come back to my place? We can have drinks." Ryan asked her, his hand starting to move towards her again.

"I don't drink." She told him, seriously.

"Well, there are other things we can do."

"I think I should get home. I have to be up early for work." Mia shuddered at what he was implying.

"I'll drop you off in the morning." He pressed on.

"No...I don't think so." Mia said, hoping he would leave the subject alone.

"What are you worried about? It's just a bit of fun." He pushed.

Mia froze, his words were all too familiar. He knows! Mia thought with repulsion. Wanting nothing more than to punch him, she controlled her temper. It's not a bit of fun...at least not for me!

"Look, I'm really tired...I just want to go home." She tried once more.

"You can rest at my place." He told her, starting to get impatient.

Clearly, she wasn't getting anywhere with Ryan. Checking for her purse and phone, Mia opened the car door.

"Where are you going?" Ryan asked, sounding angry.

"Home." She answered.

"The only way you'll get home is if I drive you."

"Good luck with that." Mia scoffed, slamming the door shut, she started to walk back to the theater. I am so not going on another date...for a long, long time! Mia thought darkly.

"Come back here. I'm not done with you yet." Ryan called out after her.

"I'm done with you. Have a nice life Ryan. Don't cry too much when our team flattens yours once again." Mia retorted, keeping her impulse to slap him in check. You sick jerk...she thought angrily, there's no way he wasn't one of HIS friends...she thought vehemently.

As she walked in through the glass doors, Mia saw Ryan's car speed away. That was close, Mia thought with a shudder. Definitely not going out again!

Pulling out her phone, she looked for a number she could call. Who would come to get her at this time of night?

-----

He had just turned off the lights and gotten in to his bed, when his cell phone rang. Matthew fell off his bed as he grabbed it from under his bed, having put it there so he wouldn't check up on it constantly.

"Hello?" Matthew answered it, without checking his caller ID.

"Hello...are you still awake?" It was Mia's timid voice on the other end.

"Yea...why?" Matthew asked. Wasn't she supposed to be with Ryan right now?

"Can you pick me up? Please." She asked him.

"Yea. Where are you?" Matthew said without hesitating. It was obvious that something had gone wrong. He would ask her later.

"At the theater." She gave him the directions.

"I'll be there in a few." He told her before hanging up.

Jumping out of bed, Matthew pulled on a t-shirt and pants. Rushing to put on his shoes and grabbing his jacket and keys, he headed out the door in speed.

Ryan is a dead man, Matthew repeated as he drove to where Mia was. He could only guess what had transpired between the two, and with each possibility Matthew found himself clenching the steering wheel harder and harder.

Parking in front of the theatre, Matthew watched as Mia walked towards him. She was upset, that much was written all over her face. Opening the door for her from the inside, he watched as she sat in the car.

Fighting the urge to pull her in to his arms, Matthew returned his attention to driving them home.

"Thank you." He heard her quiet voice.

"You're welcome." He told her, taking a glance at her.

As the street lights passed over head, Matthew could see her jaw was clenched.

"Want to talk about it?" He asked, a little hesitant. She didn't say anything. Thinking that it would have been better to stay quiet, Matthew was surprised when he heard her voice.

"He was expecting something I wasn't about to give." She whispered.

"I'm sorry." He told her, meaning it. His dislike for Ryan growing with every second that passed.

"Whatever..." Mia shrugged it off.

They drove home in silence. Shutting off the engine in the parking lot, Matthew unbuckled his belt and waited for her to get out, before getting out himself and locking the car.

"Do you want to watch something?" He heard Mia ask as they walked towards the building that was looming over them.

Knowing that she probably needed a distraction, and figuring that he wouldn't be able to sleep now that he was fully awake, Matthew knew what he wanted.

"Sure...what do you have in mind?"

 

Chapters

27

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Bea Sinclair wrote 74 days ago

An interesting premise for a romance. I read the prologue and from there I was compelled to read on, great hook!. Have now read ch 1-3 and am really getting to know Mia. Your dialogue in particular really moves the story along. Well done. Starred and watch-listed. Yours Bea

LCF Quartet wrote 131 days ago

Dear Andene,
It took me a while to decide which book of yours to read, as all the three sounded so good to me...they're so my genre.
I only read the first few chapters of IF ONLY TONIGHT to have a feel of the story, and your writing style in general. Wow, it's a very long book!

What impressed me the most is your sense of dialogue. They're quite believable and complement the description parts in a good, healthy balance. The characters and the overall plot develops in a great pace as well.

I look forward to reading more, or a few random chapters so that I can send you new feedback with my thoughts.

6 stars and in my Watch List,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Shelby Z. wrote 436 days ago

WOW chapter 60 through 62 are my favorite chapters in this book.
I just love the way things are panning out for your characters. The whole feel is just right as is the pacing!
One thing I haven't stated before is that I enjoy your wording for all of the outfits Mia ears. Makes me see them so clearly.
Super work.
Can't wait to read on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

AmandaMary wrote 430 days ago

Nice opening, fluid writting, only read chapter one but will tramp on with more, enjoying what i have read thus far, easy bed time reading. I have just backed this. Would you mind taking a look at my book A journey back from naivety? back it if you like it. I look forward to reading more of your book, thanks for sharing.

scargirl wrote 429 days ago

the book is easy to read, as the dialogue flows well. i am not sure i like matt. the long pitch is a bit confusing and perhaps overtelling. draw me and then surprise me...
j
what every woman should know

Bea Sinclair wrote 74 days ago

An interesting premise for a romance. I read the prologue and from there I was compelled to read on, great hook!. Have now read ch 1-3 and am really getting to know Mia. Your dialogue in particular really moves the story along. Well done. Starred and watch-listed. Yours Bea

LCF Quartet wrote 131 days ago

Dear Andene,
It took me a while to decide which book of yours to read, as all the three sounded so good to me...they're so my genre.
I only read the first few chapters of IF ONLY TONIGHT to have a feel of the story, and your writing style in general. Wow, it's a very long book!

What impressed me the most is your sense of dialogue. They're quite believable and complement the description parts in a good, healthy balance. The characters and the overall plot develops in a great pace as well.

I look forward to reading more, or a few random chapters so that I can send you new feedback with my thoughts.

6 stars and in my Watch List,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Shelby Z. wrote 205 days ago

If Only Tonight by Andene
A deep and sweet story filled with twists and turns in the Life of both Mia and Matthew.
Though some of the language is a little over the top, I really love this story.
Mia is a pure character. Her life is tragic with a mother who cares more for a dead son than her living son. She struggles to keep her job tending to the soccer team players. Mia doesn't drink, sex, or cuss. She is a special and sweet girl with a lot of heart to her character.
Matt doesn't make life easy for Mia, but she keeps her chin up and works hard despite the problems with Matt.
The team really takes care of Mia against a overbearing player and Matt's problems.
It is a beautiful book worth the read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 416 days ago

Chapter 67 very good though emotional.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 426 days ago

Chapter 66 is so touching.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 429 days ago

Amazing new chapters. The pull is so wonderful for the reader.
There is so much that happened to come to these three chapters.
Wonderfully done again.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

scargirl wrote 429 days ago

the book is easy to read, as the dialogue flows well. i am not sure i like matt. the long pitch is a bit confusing and perhaps overtelling. draw me and then surprise me...
j
what every woman should know

Shelby Z. wrote 429 days ago

Love the new cover. It is really special looking.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

AmandaMary wrote 430 days ago

Nice opening, fluid writting, only read chapter one but will tramp on with more, enjoying what i have read thus far, easy bed time reading. I have just backed this. Would you mind taking a look at my book A journey back from naivety? back it if you like it. I look forward to reading more of your book, thanks for sharing.

Shelby Z. wrote 436 days ago

WOW chapter 60 through 62 are my favorite chapters in this book.
I just love the way things are panning out for your characters. The whole feel is just right as is the pacing!
One thing I haven't stated before is that I enjoy your wording for all of the outfits Mia ears. Makes me see them so clearly.
Super work.
Can't wait to read on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 443 days ago

Your new chapters are really well done once again.
The tension rises and the thrill of this is all so good.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 458 days ago

I really enjoyed the three new chapters. I love the way things are going for everyone.
I am dying to know how this book will turn out.
Looking forward to the rest.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 470 days ago

LOVE the three new chapters. They are captivating and making the story unfold beautifully.
I can't wait to read the rest when you get them up!
Wonderful!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 471 days ago

I read the new chapters last night. They are so very well developed and keep your story flowing along nicely.
You sure now how to write!
Great work!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

JMF wrote 476 days ago

Hi Andene,
I like Chick lit so thought I'd take a look at this. First of all, I like the idea behind the story and it starts off well. The prologue leaves enough intrigue to want to continue so I was happy to read the next two chapters. There are a few consistency issues such as stating that the cottage belongs to her parents and then saying that it is hers a few sentences later. You mention she has 'parched lips' - perhaps a little over the top as she hasn't been stuck in the desert without water for days on end! I like the cliff hanger at the end of the prologue.
In Chapter One Felix is referred to as Felix and then Mr Pettyfer by the secretary. I think she would either use one or the other.
During her interview Mia says she comes from Toronto and then clarifies this by saying that it is in Canada. This comes over as a little condescending and I'm not sure that Mia is like this. She could say she comes from Canada, Toronto to be exact.
Occasionally there is a clumsy turn of phrase such as, "Her emerald green eyes were something he'd never seen before." Maybe it could be changed to something like "He'd never seen such stunning emerald green eyes."
These are just small points and as you are aware, totally subjective! I hope you find them helpful.
I really enjoyed reading the first few chapters and I wish you luck with your writing.
All the best.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

katjay wrote 485 days ago

Andene
If Only Tonight
Hi Andene, sorry it's been such a long time getting back to you, but I've been so busy recently. My apologies! I've read the prologue and first two chapters. Great pitch certainly draws you into the story and I want to find out how Mia and Matt pan out. Some small grammar issues but nothing that can't be fixed.
Well done.
Kat x (Hens from Hell)

Mystery Reader wrote 489 days ago

Great work on your book!
The pitch is drawing.
The title is unique but foretells of what you have to write.
Your books starts off so well, because it is a future so you can bring it right up to that point.
Your characters are so clearly developed and set apart.
The hold story line is very creative and new.
Super work here.

*Reader*

Shelby Z. wrote 490 days ago

Okay found your web novel.
Read two more chapters, super good.
I am dying to know how it will turn out.

SHelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 490 days ago

Amazing work you've done here, but I want to read the rest of it. It is just soo good.
Super Amazing work here.
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 491 days ago

Chapters 21-23.
SOOOO good.
I love the idea of the ring that Mia wears, that is soooo very cool and fun. I love the way you made her character.
Super grand job with it.
Keep it up!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 492 days ago

Chapter 18-20
Getting even better!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 493 days ago

Read chapters 14-17.
I love the part where they are swinging at the park. I love to swing! Anyhow it adds a special tone to that chapter.
The way you are developing everything is quite well. Sometimes there seem to be a lot of jumping between characters in chapter 16.
I really enjoy the way you put morals for these characters. They aren't heavy party people and the sex issue is kept down to nothing.
Really super job here.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 506 days ago

Two more chapters read.
It is still a good story that you have here. The plot is really folding out at a good pace and the character development is perfect. No mistakes so far either.
I am up to chapter 12 now.
Keep up the good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Hope to read more at a later date.

Shelby Z. wrote 520 days ago

This is written really well.
I really enjoy how the story starts off in a gripping way. I'm glad that you've only put a few swearwords in your book. It makes it worth reading.
You make everything flow super well.
Your characters form at a good pace.
No misspelling or wrong words, so good job there.
I do enjoy how it goes.
GREAT JOB!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

L_MC wrote 538 days ago

Andene, I saw you've recently updated this so read the prologue and four chapters. Your long pitch suggested a story that would appeal to me and I do like the antagonism and confused feeling you have set up between Matthew and Mia in these initial chapters. I want to know who Matthew didn't want to think about, why he is so afraid of finding love and there is a hint there will be more to come about how Max died and how that has affected Mia. Looking forward to seeing how it works out between these two.

They are some minor typos and I did wonder why Felix was still assuming M Brooklyn was a man after he had already spoken to Mia's boss. I think it's natural for people to refer to those they are talking about as he/she his/hers etc so think Dr Phillips would have given away Mia's gender.

Ivan Amberlake wrote 577 days ago

I read the prologue and part of Chapter 1 and I definitely love your main character Mia! The prologue is a great hook - it makes me wonder about what will happen after Mia answers the phone. You introduce her very well in the first chapter. Mellenia is an unusual name - I love it. By the way, you have a great cover! On the whole, I think your book will appeal to ChickLit/Romance lovers and I wish you the best of luck with your wonderful book. I hope to return to it when I have a bit more time :) Embellished it with loootsss of stars!

Ivan Amberlake

Su Dan wrote 697 days ago

you write this very well. great pace and style brings the story and characters to life...
l shall back
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Andene wrote 697 days ago

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll work on the short sentences!
~Andene

Story sounds inviting from the pitch. Your sentences are often quite short, making the reading quite abrupt, rather than flowing. And watch out for the odd repeated word and missed word, eg 'eyes' in para 6 and the word 'see'? in para 9. Good luck.

wendyjones wrote 707 days ago

Story sounds inviting from the pitch. Your sentences are often quite short, making the reading quite abrupt, rather than flowing. And watch out for the odd repeated word and missed word, eg 'eyes' in para 6 and the word 'see'? in para 9. Good luck.

Wendy Proteau wrote 720 days ago

Hi Andene!
I read through your work and i think you have a great story. As others have mentioned, there are some ways to combine some of the paragraphs in order to improve the flow. Sometimes using dialogue can move the story faster, and it will help with the flow. I'll send you an email to show some examples. The punctuation does need a little bit of help (something I had to learn myself)....But i think with a little bit of editing, it will be wonderful.

All my best,
Wendy

Brittany Engstrand wrote 729 days ago

Not bad! First thing I noticed was the name of her hometown... is this a real place? If so, I would maybe put he state or around where it's at because (unless it's just because I'm american) it's possible no one knows where that is. There's quite a few grammar errors like a lot of "..." that could go and some one to two line paragraphs that could be added to another paragraph. Also, yea is technically yeah and a couple of commas are out of place, but as far as the actual story, it's a decent read. This isn't much of my genre, so I don't know too much about how to fix anything on that end. However, The prologue makes me want to find out what happens at that part (which can be a good and bad thing... some will say it makes people want to read on, others will say it makes readers want to rush and maybe even skip ahead).

Whew, okay now that we're past everything harsh, I like the story so I will add it to my shelf. It shows a lot of potential and with a little editing it can go a long way! Best of luck!

Brittany Engstrand
Melaney and The Mirror/ My Last Notes

Juliusb wrote 752 days ago

Dear Adene,

From the full pitch, your book should be interesting, being like bringing the South pole to be intimate and share commonalities North pole. Like Socrates calling on his students and siting down with them to think how the impossible should become possible. I will pick some chapters at random and peruse through them and see how it is mending.

Carol Ritten Smith wrote 773 days ago

Andene, you said you could take it so I have a few words of advice. I started reading Chapter One, but I got so bogged down with dialogue tags, I couldn't carry on. Dialogue tags are to clarify who said what. In the beginning of this chapter there are only two characters, Mia and the secretary. The first few paragraphs don't require any tags. It is obvious who is saying what. Even the 'Mia insisted' part is unnecessary, because the dialogue indicates it. So my advice is to get rid of as many tags as you can. Also, when you use a tag, usually there is a comma in front of it, not a period. IE: . . . and correspondence courses," Mia said, quietly.

Another essential tip. You need to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes. I've corrected a portion so you can see how to do it.

"You were promoted twice in gradeschool?"

Mia blushed again. "Yes," she muttered.

"Which grades?"

"Three and six."

"You finished high school in three years? How?"

"I took virtual school classes and summer school."

Did you notice I got rid of the ellipse (...). Use them very sparingly. And also using adverbs in tags are a bit of a no no. IE: Felix told him, sternly. Your dialogue should relay the sternness in his warning. Editor are put off with words that end in 'ly'. Find a stronger word so you don't need the adverb.

Okay, that's enough criticism. I've read other comments here about your book and it sounds like you have a good story to tell. You just need some dialogue help. Get a grammar book. "Strunk and White's Elements of Style" has the very basics and will benefit you. Do a "ly" search in edit (I think that's where you'll find it) and try to find stronger words for every adverb ending in 'ly'. Getting your story written is only a small part of writing. Editing is where the work begins. Edit, edit and then edit some more. Rewrites are part of the business of writing.

I hope I haven't offended you. I offer this advice with the best intentions to make your writing better. Keep at it. Best wishes, Carol

greengirl525 wrote 774 days ago

This is a really awesome read it so interesting and you have awesome characters
I can't wait to read more of the chapters

GreenGirl525

Gracie Ray wrote 780 days ago

This is such a great read! I love the plot, and you have great characters!!! I can't wait to read again when it's finished!!

Andene wrote 781 days ago

Hi Kirk,

The title is based on the song 'Only Tonight' by JLS...which is an awesome song! You should check it out! Thank you for the comment and backing! It means a lot to me!

Thanks!
Andene

Hi Andene,
Just wanted to know if "If Only Tonight" is a real song or something you wrote up?
Anyway, Mia is an interesting character. The writing needs a little cleaning up, but there are lots of folks here who can help ypu out. Good potential and I'm backing that potential.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

KirkH wrote 785 days ago

Hi Andene,
Just wanted to know if "If Only Tonight" is a real song or something you wrote up?
Anyway, Mia is an interesting character. The writing needs a little cleaning up, but there are lots of folks here who can help ypu out. Good potential and I'm backing that potential.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Red2u wrote 787 days ago

hi there Andene. have gone through the first 2 chapters... thoroughly enjoy the read..quite the smart cookie this Mia have placed on my watchlist for further reading ...good luck

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