Book Jacket

 

rank 1167
word count 249721
date submitted 28.03.2011
date updated 29.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Romance
classification: universal
complete

If Only Tonight

Andene

Mia has no idea what she's in for when she gets a job working with her favorite player...Matthew...

 

Mia has no idea what she's in for when she lands her dream job working as a sports injury specialist. She's thrilled when she finds out she'll be working with her favorite player: Matthew Rossi. Her happiness is shattered when it turns out that Matt hates her from the moment they meet. He goes all out to make sure Mia quits.

Matt knows one thing for sure: Mia doesn't belong with him. No matter what he feels towards her, he's not right for her. He tries to push her away but there is something keeps drawing him to her.

Together all they know is that there must be a way for them to be together. Love is worth it...right?

 
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tags

brampton, canada, cars, england, football, london, matthew, mia, nathaniel, oliver, romance, soccer

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38 comments

 

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Chapters

52

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Chapter 50 - Remember When It Thunders

Chapter Fifty: Remember When It Thunders

There was a loud rumbling noise Mia heard in her sleep. Interrupting her dreams, she turned over only to be blinded by a flash of light. Jolting awake, she heard the roar of thunder. Mia scrambled to close her curtains. Before she could, another bolt of lightening brightened up her room.

Frightened, Mia raced back to her bed, forgetting about the curtains. Trying to deafen the sound and get rid of the light, Mia pulled her pillow over her head and her covers over both of them. It didn't work. The next bolt of lightening and rumble of thunder, could be seen and heard from her hiding spot.

Come on Mia, think rationally! You're a doctor! Who's heard of a doctor scared of a thunder storm? Mia said, trying her best to keep from running out of her room. Okay, how can you tell if a storm is getting closer, or moving farther away? She asked herself. Before she could answer lightening streaked outside, breaking her resolve. It's getting closer! She thought.

Not one to wait around for the tell-tale thunder; Mia shot out of her bed, and ran for the door, clutching her blanket. Racing down the hall, she headed for the one room that held any sort of comfort. Knocking on the door, Mia waited for a reply. When she heard no answer, Mia turned the door knob, as thunder shook the house. The door was unlocked! Running inside, Mia searched for him.

Matthew was fast asleep on his bed, completely unaware of the storm around them. Moving to the foot of his bed, Mia placed one of his pillows on the opposite end, and huddled under her blanket, with his on top. The sound was still loud, but knowing someone was around her, comforted her. Clutching fistfuls of blankets around her, Mia closed her eyes, trying to get herself to sleep.

-----

It took him a while to figure out that the extra weight on his bed wasn't him. As bright morning light entered his room, Matthew stretched, as he opened his eyes. His window was spattered with rain. Seeing the door open, Matthew was puzzled until he saw the ball at the foot of his bed.

Moving to get a closer look, his beliefs were confirmed.

"Mia?" He spoke, quietly.

"Hmph?" Came a quiet reply.

"Thunder storm?" He asked.

"Umh hmph." Came the affirmative reply.

Not moving, he waited for her to get up. It wasn't long before he saw a messy head of long auburn hair pop out from the blankets. Yawning, Mia sat cross legged on his bed, a mess of both their blankets around her.

"Bad storm?" He asked, hoping he didn't sound as though he was teasing her.

"So much lightening and thunder...I don't know how you sleep through it." She said, looking at him.

Stifling his laughter, Matthew took the sight of her in. Even with her hair messy, and dressed in a night shirt and capris, Mia looked adorable.

"I guess I'm just used to it." He told her, breaking away.

"Sorry about invading your bed." She told him, as she started to put his pillow back in place, and gather her blanket.

"Don't worry about it. If you can't handle the storm, you're always welcome to hide here." He told her with a grin.

"I'm going to hold you up to that, you know?" She smiled.

"Yea, I know."

They were quiet for a minute. Mia stared out the window, as Matthew watched her.

"If you don't mind me asking, why is it that you don't like thunderstorms?" Matthew asked her, having been a little curious.

For a moment, she was quiet. He hoped he hadn't offended her. A pained expression crossed her face as she turned to him, looking at him with her deep green eyes.

"I was always a little bit scared of the noise and lightening when I was little, my parents used to leave the door open if I got scared...but for the most part, I was alright. It wasn't until Max died that it really got to me. There was thunder and lightening the night my dad and I were called to meet the police. So I guess subconsciously, I've connected lightening storms with my brother's death..." Mia told him. It was the first time she was mentioning her brother Max, since last season.

"That night always comes up in my mind during a storm, and I just..." She trailed off once more.

"Mia..." He murmured.

She looked up at him, he could see the hurt in her eyes.

"I meant what I said...you're always welcome." He told her, not breaking eye contact.

"Thanks." She whispered.

Looking at each other, he could see she trusted him, enough that she was able to confide in him. Maybe that was enough? For now...he thought.

Getting up, Mia folded her blanket in her arms and started to move towards the door. Before crossing the threshold, Matthew saw her turn back to face him.

"Matthew?"

"Yea, Mia?"

"Thanks, again." She said, as she turned and left.

"For you...anytime..." Matthew whispered behind her.

-----

Occupied with work for the last few days, Mia had little time to spend with Stacie. Her best friend had been busy showing her group the ropes along with their old university research group. Grateful that Stacie wasn't able to pry anything out of her as of late, Mia couldn't help but label the nagging feeling since the thunderstorm. A part of her felt guilty, as though she was stealing something away.

Having been avoiding the house when Nevarra was around, didn't help put her mind at ease. Sure I have a lot of work...but they are bound to get suspicious, she had thought; while typing up another report. She was lucky Lina hadn't noticed anything different. Having known the girl for a short time, Mia could already tell that like Stacie, Lina could smell secrets.

As she finished typing up the report, Mia heard her cell phone ring. Feeling her pockets, Mia couldn't find the source of the music.

"Where did I put it?" She muttered to herself.

Looking around her desk, filing cabinet, and counter; Mia couldn't spot the object. Feeling around the papers scattered on her desk, Mia finally found it.

"Hello?" She said, quickly answering it.

"Hey Mia!"

It was Leon calling.

"Hi Leon! What's up?" She asked, sitting back down and taking a quick glance at how much typing was left.

"Not much. I just called to let you know Lina developed a warning system."

"Warning system for what?" Mia asked, puzzled.

"For Nevarra." He chuckled.

"Oh..."

"Anyway, Lina decided that if Matthew's girlfriend is over who ever knows or is at home will text the others the angry red smilie along with 'is here.'" He told her.

"So angry face is here?" Mia asked, trying not to laugh.

"Yea. Lina's not one to be subtle...or a fan of being ambushed."

"Alright..." Mia said, not knowing how to thank the girl without sounding like she had something against Nevarra.

"Anyway, Lina told me to tell you that Nevarra will be over. We'll be out though. Lina's going out with her boyfriend, and I have a dinner meeting. So we'll see you later. If you need anything let me know. Okay?" He told her.

Not knowing how to thank them for their kindness, Mia just said the first words she could find.

"Yea, that's fine. Thanks."

"No problem. See you at home." He told her.

"Yea, bye."

Home...Mia thought. It was not her house, but it was a comforting substitute much better than her shared dorm room. Lina and Leon had done their best to make her feel welcome, and it did feel close to home.

Pushing the thoughts away, Mia scrolled through her phone. Now that she knew that Nevarra was around, she was going to make sure she came in late. There was no way she was going to get stuck with Matthew's girlfriend now that she had caught wind of their plans.

Dialling the number she had found, Mia waited.

"Hello?"

"Stacie! What are you up to?" Mia asked.

"I'm at the university, with my annoying little kids." Her friend told her dryly.

"Working late?" She asked, sounding hopeful.

"Yea, why?" Stacie sounded suspicious.

"It's your lucky day. I'm done work. I can come over and help you out at the lab."

"Uh huh...alright. Come on over. I'm in the meeting room upstairs. The one right above our old offices." Stacie said, sounding too tired to question Mia's motives.

"I'll be right there. I'll bring you some food too." Mia said, as Stacie said goodbye.

Hanging up the phone, Mia cleared her desk, quickly organizing the papers. Stacking the files neatly on to her filing cabinet, she took one last look around to see if there was any other mess she needed to take care of.

Deeming her office clean, she switched her lab coat for her jacket, and left.

-----

"How come I haven't seen your cousins or your friend since that dinner? I'm over, like, everyday."

Looking up from his spot on the couch, Matthew saw Nevarra standing by the window, looking outside in to the darkness.

"Lina goes out with her boyfriend, and usually after his work and business meetings Leon goes to see his fiancé. Mia's usually at work or with her friends." Matthew answered, not understanding why Nevarra was asking him.

"Isn't it weird that she's never around when I come over?" Nevarra asked, sounding a little suspicious.

"No, why?"

"Well...it's just that I come over hoping I'll get to know them better, and they are never around. Especially your friend Mia." She said, giving him an innocent look.

"They're really busy. That's all." He said, trying to convince them both.

"How coincidental that they're always busy when I'm around." She observed.

Knowing Lina, Matthew was sure she was avoiding Nevarra, while Leon and Mia seemed genuinely busy. Although the thought that Mia was avoiding Nevarra out of jealousy, made him feel a little bit hopeful. Maybe she had feelings for him that she had been keeping secret? Matthew hid a smile.

Hearing the door open, snapped him out of his thoughts, Matthew stood up following Nevarra towards the hall to see who had come home.

"Hey Mia." Matthew called out, upon seeing the girl hastily take off her shoes at the end of the hall.

"Hey Matt! Hi Nevarra!" She called out, waving at them.

Watching her run up the stairs, Matthew walked over to the bottom of the stair case.

"Where are you off too, in such a rush?" He asked, surprised at how fast she could move.

"Stacie and I are meeting friends at Revenge. I have to pick her up." He heard her shout.

As he moved back to where his girlfriend was standing, he noticed the contemplating look on her face.

"She's not avoiding. She has friends at the university, and her best friend from Australia is visiting." He told Nevarra, he hoped he could quell her thoughts and brush the matter aside.

"Whatever you say..." Nevarra said, quietly.

He heard Mia run down the stairs and in to the hallway. Turning to see what she was doing, he saw her open and close the door to Lina's room.

"Tell Lina, that I put the dress she liked on her bed. I'll be home late." She called out, as she headed towards the door, and started to slip on her shoes.

Walking over to her, Matthew saw the shimmering black dress she had on underneath her coat. Her black heeled boots went along with them perfectly. Swallowing his feelings, Matthew looked at her.

"Remember, be home before-" He started when she interrupted him.

"Midnight. I got it, Matthew. Make sure you remember to tell Lina." She told him, giving him an annoyed look. "See you later! Bye!"

Matthew stared after her, as Mia closed the door behind her; snapping out of his reverie only when he heard the engine of his Ferrari roar.

-----

"So you missed our dear cousin's girl again?" Lina asked, curiously.

They were eating breakfast together, since Leon had already left for work and Matthew was still sleeping.

"Yea, I went out with Stacie." Mia answered trying to keep from sounding nervous. Though she had been avoiding Nevarra as much, maybe more, than everyone else...she didn't need everyone least of all Lina knowing about it.

"You're better than I am at giving her the slip. You must tell me your secret." Lina said, giving a short laugh.

"There's no secret."

Smiling, Mia returned to the food on her plate. She loved the hash browns Lina had made. They made her feel warm, and ready to face the cold, windy, weather outside.

"Anyway, now that I know your good answer for not being around, what is the real reason you aren't home when angry face is here?" Lina asked, getting a small giggle out of Mia. "Is it because you don't like her? Does she think you like Matthew, and give you the stink eye?"

Frozen in place, Mia continued to smile, not knowing how to answer. At that moment a phone rang.

"Oh! Hold that thought!" Lina ran to the phone. "Hello?"

Saved by the bell, Mia thought with relief. Please let her forget! She hoped, as she took another fork full of hashbrowns.

 

Chapters

52

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Bea Sinclair wrote 74 days ago

An interesting premise for a romance. I read the prologue and from there I was compelled to read on, great hook!. Have now read ch 1-3 and am really getting to know Mia. Your dialogue in particular really moves the story along. Well done. Starred and watch-listed. Yours Bea

LCF Quartet wrote 131 days ago

Dear Andene,
It took me a while to decide which book of yours to read, as all the three sounded so good to me...they're so my genre.
I only read the first few chapters of IF ONLY TONIGHT to have a feel of the story, and your writing style in general. Wow, it's a very long book!

What impressed me the most is your sense of dialogue. They're quite believable and complement the description parts in a good, healthy balance. The characters and the overall plot develops in a great pace as well.

I look forward to reading more, or a few random chapters so that I can send you new feedback with my thoughts.

6 stars and in my Watch List,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Shelby Z. wrote 437 days ago

WOW chapter 60 through 62 are my favorite chapters in this book.
I just love the way things are panning out for your characters. The whole feel is just right as is the pacing!
One thing I haven't stated before is that I enjoy your wording for all of the outfits Mia ears. Makes me see them so clearly.
Super work.
Can't wait to read on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

AmandaMary wrote 431 days ago

Nice opening, fluid writting, only read chapter one but will tramp on with more, enjoying what i have read thus far, easy bed time reading. I have just backed this. Would you mind taking a look at my book A journey back from naivety? back it if you like it. I look forward to reading more of your book, thanks for sharing.

scargirl wrote 430 days ago

the book is easy to read, as the dialogue flows well. i am not sure i like matt. the long pitch is a bit confusing and perhaps overtelling. draw me and then surprise me...
j
what every woman should know

Bea Sinclair wrote 74 days ago

An interesting premise for a romance. I read the prologue and from there I was compelled to read on, great hook!. Have now read ch 1-3 and am really getting to know Mia. Your dialogue in particular really moves the story along. Well done. Starred and watch-listed. Yours Bea

LCF Quartet wrote 131 days ago

Dear Andene,
It took me a while to decide which book of yours to read, as all the three sounded so good to me...they're so my genre.
I only read the first few chapters of IF ONLY TONIGHT to have a feel of the story, and your writing style in general. Wow, it's a very long book!

What impressed me the most is your sense of dialogue. They're quite believable and complement the description parts in a good, healthy balance. The characters and the overall plot develops in a great pace as well.

I look forward to reading more, or a few random chapters so that I can send you new feedback with my thoughts.

6 stars and in my Watch List,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Shelby Z. wrote 206 days ago

If Only Tonight by Andene
A deep and sweet story filled with twists and turns in the Life of both Mia and Matthew.
Though some of the language is a little over the top, I really love this story.
Mia is a pure character. Her life is tragic with a mother who cares more for a dead son than her living son. She struggles to keep her job tending to the soccer team players. Mia doesn't drink, sex, or cuss. She is a special and sweet girl with a lot of heart to her character.
Matt doesn't make life easy for Mia, but she keeps her chin up and works hard despite the problems with Matt.
The team really takes care of Mia against a overbearing player and Matt's problems.
It is a beautiful book worth the read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 417 days ago

Chapter 67 very good though emotional.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 427 days ago

Chapter 66 is so touching.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 430 days ago

Amazing new chapters. The pull is so wonderful for the reader.
There is so much that happened to come to these three chapters.
Wonderfully done again.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

scargirl wrote 430 days ago

the book is easy to read, as the dialogue flows well. i am not sure i like matt. the long pitch is a bit confusing and perhaps overtelling. draw me and then surprise me...
j
what every woman should know

Shelby Z. wrote 430 days ago

Love the new cover. It is really special looking.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

AmandaMary wrote 431 days ago

Nice opening, fluid writting, only read chapter one but will tramp on with more, enjoying what i have read thus far, easy bed time reading. I have just backed this. Would you mind taking a look at my book A journey back from naivety? back it if you like it. I look forward to reading more of your book, thanks for sharing.

Shelby Z. wrote 437 days ago

WOW chapter 60 through 62 are my favorite chapters in this book.
I just love the way things are panning out for your characters. The whole feel is just right as is the pacing!
One thing I haven't stated before is that I enjoy your wording for all of the outfits Mia ears. Makes me see them so clearly.
Super work.
Can't wait to read on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 444 days ago

Your new chapters are really well done once again.
The tension rises and the thrill of this is all so good.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 459 days ago

I really enjoyed the three new chapters. I love the way things are going for everyone.
I am dying to know how this book will turn out.
Looking forward to the rest.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 471 days ago

LOVE the three new chapters. They are captivating and making the story unfold beautifully.
I can't wait to read the rest when you get them up!
Wonderful!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 472 days ago

I read the new chapters last night. They are so very well developed and keep your story flowing along nicely.
You sure now how to write!
Great work!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

JMF wrote 477 days ago

Hi Andene,
I like Chick lit so thought I'd take a look at this. First of all, I like the idea behind the story and it starts off well. The prologue leaves enough intrigue to want to continue so I was happy to read the next two chapters. There are a few consistency issues such as stating that the cottage belongs to her parents and then saying that it is hers a few sentences later. You mention she has 'parched lips' - perhaps a little over the top as she hasn't been stuck in the desert without water for days on end! I like the cliff hanger at the end of the prologue.
In Chapter One Felix is referred to as Felix and then Mr Pettyfer by the secretary. I think she would either use one or the other.
During her interview Mia says she comes from Toronto and then clarifies this by saying that it is in Canada. This comes over as a little condescending and I'm not sure that Mia is like this. She could say she comes from Canada, Toronto to be exact.
Occasionally there is a clumsy turn of phrase such as, "Her emerald green eyes were something he'd never seen before." Maybe it could be changed to something like "He'd never seen such stunning emerald green eyes."
These are just small points and as you are aware, totally subjective! I hope you find them helpful.
I really enjoyed reading the first few chapters and I wish you luck with your writing.
All the best.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

katjay wrote 485 days ago

Andene
If Only Tonight
Hi Andene, sorry it's been such a long time getting back to you, but I've been so busy recently. My apologies! I've read the prologue and first two chapters. Great pitch certainly draws you into the story and I want to find out how Mia and Matt pan out. Some small grammar issues but nothing that can't be fixed.
Well done.
Kat x (Hens from Hell)

Mystery Reader wrote 490 days ago

Great work on your book!
The pitch is drawing.
The title is unique but foretells of what you have to write.
Your books starts off so well, because it is a future so you can bring it right up to that point.
Your characters are so clearly developed and set apart.
The hold story line is very creative and new.
Super work here.

*Reader*

Shelby Z. wrote 491 days ago

Okay found your web novel.
Read two more chapters, super good.
I am dying to know how it will turn out.

SHelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 491 days ago

Amazing work you've done here, but I want to read the rest of it. It is just soo good.
Super Amazing work here.
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 492 days ago

Chapters 21-23.
SOOOO good.
I love the idea of the ring that Mia wears, that is soooo very cool and fun. I love the way you made her character.
Super grand job with it.
Keep it up!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 493 days ago

Chapter 18-20
Getting even better!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 494 days ago

Read chapters 14-17.
I love the part where they are swinging at the park. I love to swing! Anyhow it adds a special tone to that chapter.
The way you are developing everything is quite well. Sometimes there seem to be a lot of jumping between characters in chapter 16.
I really enjoy the way you put morals for these characters. They aren't heavy party people and the sex issue is kept down to nothing.
Really super job here.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 507 days ago

Two more chapters read.
It is still a good story that you have here. The plot is really folding out at a good pace and the character development is perfect. No mistakes so far either.
I am up to chapter 12 now.
Keep up the good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Hope to read more at a later date.

Shelby Z. wrote 521 days ago

This is written really well.
I really enjoy how the story starts off in a gripping way. I'm glad that you've only put a few swearwords in your book. It makes it worth reading.
You make everything flow super well.
Your characters form at a good pace.
No misspelling or wrong words, so good job there.
I do enjoy how it goes.
GREAT JOB!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

L_MC wrote 539 days ago

Andene, I saw you've recently updated this so read the prologue and four chapters. Your long pitch suggested a story that would appeal to me and I do like the antagonism and confused feeling you have set up between Matthew and Mia in these initial chapters. I want to know who Matthew didn't want to think about, why he is so afraid of finding love and there is a hint there will be more to come about how Max died and how that has affected Mia. Looking forward to seeing how it works out between these two.

They are some minor typos and I did wonder why Felix was still assuming M Brooklyn was a man after he had already spoken to Mia's boss. I think it's natural for people to refer to those they are talking about as he/she his/hers etc so think Dr Phillips would have given away Mia's gender.

Ivan Amberlake wrote 578 days ago

I read the prologue and part of Chapter 1 and I definitely love your main character Mia! The prologue is a great hook - it makes me wonder about what will happen after Mia answers the phone. You introduce her very well in the first chapter. Mellenia is an unusual name - I love it. By the way, you have a great cover! On the whole, I think your book will appeal to ChickLit/Romance lovers and I wish you the best of luck with your wonderful book. I hope to return to it when I have a bit more time :) Embellished it with loootsss of stars!

Ivan Amberlake

Su Dan wrote 697 days ago

you write this very well. great pace and style brings the story and characters to life...
l shall back
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Andene wrote 698 days ago

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll work on the short sentences!
~Andene

Story sounds inviting from the pitch. Your sentences are often quite short, making the reading quite abrupt, rather than flowing. And watch out for the odd repeated word and missed word, eg 'eyes' in para 6 and the word 'see'? in para 9. Good luck.

wendyjones wrote 708 days ago

Story sounds inviting from the pitch. Your sentences are often quite short, making the reading quite abrupt, rather than flowing. And watch out for the odd repeated word and missed word, eg 'eyes' in para 6 and the word 'see'? in para 9. Good luck.

Wendy Proteau wrote 721 days ago

Hi Andene!
I read through your work and i think you have a great story. As others have mentioned, there are some ways to combine some of the paragraphs in order to improve the flow. Sometimes using dialogue can move the story faster, and it will help with the flow. I'll send you an email to show some examples. The punctuation does need a little bit of help (something I had to learn myself)....But i think with a little bit of editing, it will be wonderful.

All my best,
Wendy

Brittany Engstrand wrote 730 days ago

Not bad! First thing I noticed was the name of her hometown... is this a real place? If so, I would maybe put he state or around where it's at because (unless it's just because I'm american) it's possible no one knows where that is. There's quite a few grammar errors like a lot of "..." that could go and some one to two line paragraphs that could be added to another paragraph. Also, yea is technically yeah and a couple of commas are out of place, but as far as the actual story, it's a decent read. This isn't much of my genre, so I don't know too much about how to fix anything on that end. However, The prologue makes me want to find out what happens at that part (which can be a good and bad thing... some will say it makes people want to read on, others will say it makes readers want to rush and maybe even skip ahead).

Whew, okay now that we're past everything harsh, I like the story so I will add it to my shelf. It shows a lot of potential and with a little editing it can go a long way! Best of luck!

Brittany Engstrand
Melaney and The Mirror/ My Last Notes

Juliusb wrote 753 days ago

Dear Adene,

From the full pitch, your book should be interesting, being like bringing the South pole to be intimate and share commonalities North pole. Like Socrates calling on his students and siting down with them to think how the impossible should become possible. I will pick some chapters at random and peruse through them and see how it is mending.

Carol Ritten Smith wrote 773 days ago

Andene, you said you could take it so I have a few words of advice. I started reading Chapter One, but I got so bogged down with dialogue tags, I couldn't carry on. Dialogue tags are to clarify who said what. In the beginning of this chapter there are only two characters, Mia and the secretary. The first few paragraphs don't require any tags. It is obvious who is saying what. Even the 'Mia insisted' part is unnecessary, because the dialogue indicates it. So my advice is to get rid of as many tags as you can. Also, when you use a tag, usually there is a comma in front of it, not a period. IE: . . . and correspondence courses," Mia said, quietly.

Another essential tip. You need to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes. I've corrected a portion so you can see how to do it.

"You were promoted twice in gradeschool?"

Mia blushed again. "Yes," she muttered.

"Which grades?"

"Three and six."

"You finished high school in three years? How?"

"I took virtual school classes and summer school."

Did you notice I got rid of the ellipse (...). Use them very sparingly. And also using adverbs in tags are a bit of a no no. IE: Felix told him, sternly. Your dialogue should relay the sternness in his warning. Editor are put off with words that end in 'ly'. Find a stronger word so you don't need the adverb.

Okay, that's enough criticism. I've read other comments here about your book and it sounds like you have a good story to tell. You just need some dialogue help. Get a grammar book. "Strunk and White's Elements of Style" has the very basics and will benefit you. Do a "ly" search in edit (I think that's where you'll find it) and try to find stronger words for every adverb ending in 'ly'. Getting your story written is only a small part of writing. Editing is where the work begins. Edit, edit and then edit some more. Rewrites are part of the business of writing.

I hope I haven't offended you. I offer this advice with the best intentions to make your writing better. Keep at it. Best wishes, Carol

greengirl525 wrote 774 days ago

This is a really awesome read it so interesting and you have awesome characters
I can't wait to read more of the chapters

GreenGirl525

Gracie Ray wrote 781 days ago

This is such a great read! I love the plot, and you have great characters!!! I can't wait to read again when it's finished!!

Andene wrote 781 days ago

Hi Kirk,

The title is based on the song 'Only Tonight' by JLS...which is an awesome song! You should check it out! Thank you for the comment and backing! It means a lot to me!

Thanks!
Andene

Hi Andene,
Just wanted to know if "If Only Tonight" is a real song or something you wrote up?
Anyway, Mia is an interesting character. The writing needs a little cleaning up, but there are lots of folks here who can help ypu out. Good potential and I'm backing that potential.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

KirkH wrote 785 days ago

Hi Andene,
Just wanted to know if "If Only Tonight" is a real song or something you wrote up?
Anyway, Mia is an interesting character. The writing needs a little cleaning up, but there are lots of folks here who can help ypu out. Good potential and I'm backing that potential.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Red2u wrote 788 days ago

hi there Andene. have gone through the first 2 chapters... thoroughly enjoy the read..quite the smart cookie this Mia have placed on my watchlist for further reading ...good luck

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