Book Jacket

 

rank 1167
word count 249721
date submitted 28.03.2011
date updated 29.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Romance
classification: universal
complete

If Only Tonight

Andene

Mia has no idea what she's in for when she gets a job working with her favorite player...Matthew...

 

Mia has no idea what she's in for when she lands her dream job working as a sports injury specialist. She's thrilled when she finds out she'll be working with her favorite player: Matthew Rossi. Her happiness is shattered when it turns out that Matt hates her from the moment they meet. He goes all out to make sure Mia quits.

Matt knows one thing for sure: Mia doesn't belong with him. No matter what he feels towards her, he's not right for her. He tries to push her away but there is something keeps drawing him to her.

Together all they know is that there must be a way for them to be together. Love is worth it...right?

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

brampton, canada, cars, england, football, london, matthew, mia, nathaniel, oliver, romance, soccer

on 11 watchlists

38 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

58

report abuse

Chapter 56 - It's Over, Goodbye...

Chapter Fifty Six: It's Over, Goodbye...

Yes, it's Friday! Mia thought to herself. She was looking forward to spending the night out with Stacie. Though the night entailed her singing at least one song, it was marginally better than the alternative. Having gone back to avoiding the house when Nevarra was around, Mia was finding it difficult to think of new excuses. The rest of the week had gone by with Nevarra keeping close proximity to Matthew, as though daring her to tell what she had seen.

Leaning back in to her chair, she stared at the ceiling. What am I going to do? She thought for the millionth time. Each time she saw Matthew, she felt guilty for hiding something from him. Even though she had not approved of his means, he had tried to protect her. Yet here she was watching him being used. I'm such a traitor, she thought, covering her face with her hands.

A knock sounded on the door, forcing her to snap out of her misery. Taking a moment to compose herself, Mia swivelled her chair to see who it was.

"Hey..." She said, getting up.

Looking rather upset, Oliver stood leaning against the door. His hair messed up by the wind, it seemed he had come in from either training or the gym.

"Hi Mia..." He said. "Have you seen Matthew?"

"No...why?" Mia asked, concerned.

The older player looked behind him, checking if the coast was clear, Oliver crossed the room to stand in front of her. He was clearly distressed about something...something important.

"I need to tell you something in confidence...it's really disturbing."

"Okay. What?" She asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

"I went to the coffee shop during break, and I saw Nevarra. Only she wasn't with Matthew. I thought she was just hanging out with a friend, while waiting for Matthew. But then she kissed him. I walked out quickly, I don't think she saw me." He said.

Go figures, Mia thought. Nevarra wasn't even being subtle about what she was doing behind Matthew's back.

Noticing the unsurprised look on her face, Oliver gave her a stern look, Mia shrank, taking a step back.

"What do you know, that I don't?" Oliver asked. "What's going on?"

She sighed. It was about time some one else knew. Maybe now she would be able to get help.

"I know Nevarra's been cheating on Matthew. I saw her at the mall kissing one guy, and then at Lucas' party making out with another one." She told a surprised Oliver.

"Why didn't you say anything?" He asked, sounding confused and hurt.

"I tried! I really did. I was about to tell Matthew a few days ago right before Lucas' party, but before I could Nevarra called him. Then at the party I told her that I didn't care about what she said to him about me, but I was going to tell him. She threatened to tell the papers at the party before I could do anything." Mia told him, sounding disgusted with her own actions.

"What do you mean? What was Nevarra going to say about you?" He asked her.

"She was going to make it look like I was some jealous girl who was trying to steal him away from her. She was hoping to make it public, cost me my job, that sort of thing." Mia shrugged.

"I just didn't know what to do..." Mia said, finally taking a deep breath. Some of the weight she had been feeling had been lifted off her shoulders.

Taking a seat in her chair, Oliver looked to be deep in thought. Mia walked over and sat on the counter by the sink.

"Well, since I'm pretty sure she didn't see me, I think we can brain storm something together. Any ideas?"

"I don't know. Maybe you can get him alone and tell him tonight?" She said, hopefully.

"I doubt it. He's usually really stubborn about these things. We need to prove it to him." Oliver moved forward in the chair, resting his head on his hands. They looked at each other trying to think of another way to tell Matthew.

"Hey guys! Why so serious?"

Nathaniel had walked in to the office unknown to either of them.

Mia gave Oliver a questioning look, the blonde haired boy nodded. Nathaniel needed to know, maybe he would have an idea. Oliver motioned for him to close the office door. Once Nathaniel did, Mia could see the brown haired footballer was a little confused as to what was going on.

"Nevarra's been cheating on Matthew." Oliver informed him.

"What?" Nathaniel looked baffled. "Are you sure?"

"Yea. I saw her twice, and Oliver caught her too." Mia said.

"So why hasn't anyone told Matthew?" He asked, giving them both questioning looks.

"Mia tried, but he was too busy to listen to her. We were just discussing about how to go around this in a delicate manner." Oliver said, not going into detail about Nevarra's threat.

"So that's what you were going on about the other day?" Nathaniel asked her, he remembered their conversation in the car. She nodded. "What's the plan?"

"That's what we were discussing when you came by. Maybe you have a good idea?" Mia added.

"Why haven't you just talked to Matthew?" Nathaniel wondered.

"If we did, he would confront Nevarra, and if he told her he found out from us; she would think it was Mia."

"Ahh...I see..." Nathaniel, rubbed the bottom of his jaw, deep in thought.

"You know what...I think I know what we should do." He said a minute later.

"What?" Oliver and Mia asked, simultaneously.

"Mia, you're going to call Nevarra up and ask her to hang out with you and Lina tonight. I'll call Matthew and tell him it's a boys night out. As long as you make sure Nevarra is there, just leave the rest to me." He told them, a sly grin on his face.

"Where should we go, then?" Oliver asked.

"Some where which Nevarra would think a footballer would never set foot in." Nathaniel said, as silence settled over them.

"I know where." Mia told them. "The Grad Lounge."

-----

Puzzled as to why Nathaniel and Oliver were insisting he join them, Matthew walked out to the car with the other two. They had tracked him down to the gym and then pestered him while he worked out, until he finally gave in.

"You know if you miss me so much, you could have just told me." He grinned.

"You're full of it, Matthew. We just wanted a proper "lads night", as Jon would say." Oliver said, making the quotations in the air.

"Uh huh. Why now? You're usually busy with Ariana. What's going on?" He said a little suspicious of their motives.

"Nothing. We haven't seen very much of you in a while. We wanted to take out our best friend and you're giving us the third degree? We thought you'd be happy coming out with us. You know, no girls to tell us off." Nathaniel said, looking a little hurt.

"Alright, fine. I'm sorry. It's just you both look like you're up to something." He muttered, taking a seat in Nathaniel's Audi R8.

"That would be because we're not going to any clubs. We're going to a bar." Oliver told him with a grin.

"What?" Matthew said, cluelessly.

"We're going to The Grad Lounge." The older player told him smartly.

"What! No!" He said, less than thrilled about their choice.

"Too late. Leon's even agreed to meet us there." Nathaniel said, as they sped along the motorway.

"What? He's home?" Matthew said, surprised.

"Yea, he got home a few hours ago." The younger player told him. "He's going to meet us there."

Looking out the window, Matthew sighed. There was certainly no way out of this one now that his cousin was coming, he thought, might as well go along with it.

"Next time we go out, I get to pick. None of this tavern looking bar crap. We're going to go to Revenge." Matthew muttered.

"Alright. But just so you know, you'll be buying." Oliver grinned.

Matthew gave him a disdainful look.

"Funny."

-----

Having called Stacie to tell her the change of plans, her best friend was more than happy to accommodate.

"Aww...I have to share you the last few days that I'm here. Fine...as long as you introduce me to the cute guys you work with, it's all good." Stacie had told her, cheerfully.

"No Stace, these guys are all off limits. Besides Julian is going to be there." Mia had retorted, rather protectively. Nevarra had made sure Mia would keep a close eye on the guys from now on.

"Fair point. You better have a song ready. See you at seven?" Stacie had said, thoughtfully, to which Mia agreed.

Parking her car in the driveway of the house, Mia made no move to leave the Ferrari. Taking her phone out of her pocket, Mia found Nevarra's number. After discussing a plan to get rid of the cheater, Nathaniel had left them for the gym. Somehow the brown haired player had snuck Matthew's phone and texted her Nevarra's number.

Putting in the number, Mia clicked send, holding the phone up to her ear.

"Hello?" Came a questioning voice after two rings.

"Hi, Nevarra?"

"Yea..."

"It's Mia."

"What do you want?" Nevarra said, sounding annoyed.

"I was wondering if you wanted to join me and Lina for a girls night out. I think we got off on the wrong foot, and I thought maybe we could try again." Mia lied, each word burning her tongue. She hated Nevarra for what she had done, and the thought of having to convince her, had appalled her. Take one for the team, Nathaniel's words echoed in her mind. She had to do this.

"Really?" Nevarra sounded sceptical. She's not buying it! Mia panicked.

Trying to keep her cool, Mia thought quickly.

"Yea. I mean, Lina's hoping you'll come since she really enjoyed hanging out with you at the party." Mia fibbed.

"Really?" Nevarra's voice sounded different, as though she was starting to believe her.

"Definitely, Lina kept talking about how much she liked your dress. She really liked your style." Mia closed her eyes, trying to keep her voice even. She hated lying, and worse she hated lying to practiced liars. They knew when to call her bluff.

"Okay...alright. Where do you want to meet up?" Nevarra asked.

Yes! Mia cheered, thinking it was one step closer to what they were going to do.

"The Grad Lounge. It's right outside the University College of London." Mia told her.

"Okay. I'll be there by seven thirty."

"Yea. Sure. Bye." Hanging up, Mia rested her head against the steering wheel.

Just a few more hours and then she's gone, and I won't have to watch her clinging on to Matthew, Mia thought before she could stop herself. It was hard to keep fighting with herself. She wanted the best for Matthew, but there was a part of her that wanted him to be with no one but her. What if I'm doing this for all the wrong reasons? She wondered. No, he needs to know that she's been going out with others, her mind retorted; after all, you would want to know if it was you.

Finally getting out of the car, Mia crossed the distance to the house. Opening the door to the large house, she was surprised to see who was standing in the hall.

"You're back!" Mia said, feeling a little bit happy. Bounding down the hall to give Leon a hug.

"Hello Mia! Don't tell me, you missed my cookies?" Leon asked, a sparkle of playfulness in his eyes.

"Yea...that and there was no good warning system while you were gone." Mia told him, letting go.

"You got stuck with angry face!" He laughed.

"Me and Lina both. We had to make it through Lucas' party without killing her."

"Hey Mia!" She heard Lina say, as the older girl came in to view.

"You didn't forget him at the airport?" Mia teased her.

"Unfortunately, no." Lina smiled.

"I didn't know you were coming back early." Mia said, going back to the entrance. She took off her shoes and jacket.

"Business wrapped up early, so I caught the first flight back." Leon said, as Mia walked back towards them.

"Is Matt back yet?" She asked the two cousins.

"No, not yet. I think he's still at the complex." Lina answered.

"Well...I need to tell you something."

-----

Arriving at the bar, Matthew stepped out of the car, eyeing the building with dislike. The tavern looked to be worn down from the outside, he remembered how obsolete he had thought it was upon first seeing it.

Walking inside, Matthew followed Oliver and Nathaniel, trailing behind the two as he took in the place properly. Last time he had been too distracted by Mia to really evaluate the place. Though worn from the outside, the interior of the bar looked as though it was well tended to. The tables gleamed, while the paint on the walls looked new.

Remembering that this had been one of Mia's haunts as a student, a part of him couldn't help but hope that the girl would turn up. As they reached where Leon was standing by the bar, Matthew noticed Nathaniel text, before turning to give him a smile.

"Hey Matty!" His cousin greeted him, putting an arm around his shoulder.

"I was wondering when you'd show up." Leon said, as Oliver ordered their drinks.

"How was your trip?" Matthew smiled, his cousin's constant good mood always rubbed off on those around him.

"Good. Good thing it ended early. I wasn't sure how much more wine tasting I could do. It got to a point where I couldn't distinguish between the types of grapes used." Leon laughed.

As their drinks came, Matthew saw movement on the stage. Turning to get a better look, he watched as an auburn haired girl walked up to the microphone. The loud music that had been playing around them, stopped.

Matthew recognized who the girl was.

"Mia..." He whispered, surprised at his wish coming true.

Something started to play around them, a dark melodic tune.

"I can see you in the dark, I see you hiding away; I can see in you in the darkness, and all the little games you play..." She sang, her voice haunting him.

"I didn't know she was going to be here." Matthew said, as Oliver mumbled that he hadn't known either.

"I can read your dirty mind, that good girl shit won't fly with me; Girl I'm on ya like a polygraph..." Mesmerized, he continued to watch her.

"This is what I see...I know you where you can't lie, No baby you can't lie,

You run but you can't hide, I see you where you pulling, the wool over my eyes, the wool over my eyes, Lights out..."

As the music broke in to the chorus, it transitioned to another song. Curious, Matthew kept watching.

"I fall asleep by the telephone, It's 2 O'clock and I'm waiting up alone, Tell me where have you been? I found a note with another name, You blow a kiss, but it just don't feel the same, Cause I can feel that you're gone. I can't bite my tongue forever, While you try to play it cool, You can hide behind your stories, But don't take me for a fool"

"Why are these songs about cheaters?" Matthew asked noticing the theme between the two songs.

"You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want, But I know, your love is just a lie."

"Matthew...Nevarra's been cheating on you." Oliver told him, with a sombre look.

"What?" Matthew asked, surprised.

"She's been going behind your back with other guys. Mia saw her, and she tried to tell you. Nevarra tried to blackmail Mia."

Transitioning once more, the music became more upbeat.

"I don't understand." Matthew said.

"This is the game she plays, always gonna cheat. Night after night, another boy another drink. He doesn't see that he should be with me. He's gotta give her, g-g-give her up. He's gotta give her, g-g-give her up..."

"Nevarra told Mia that she would go to the papers and make it look like Mia planned to get rid of her. Nevarra thought she was free but I saw her at the coffee shop today. She was with another guy, Matt."

Silent, Matthew was unsure of his next step. Watching Mia get off the stage, it became clear what he had to do.

"Nevarra's here, Matt." Nathaniel had come back. The younger boy pointed out to where she was. Matthew caught sight of his cell phone, Nathaniel had gotten a picture of what was going on.

Matthew's jaw clenched at the sight in front of him.

-----

As Mia got off the stage, she saw Matthew. He was heading towards an unsuspecting Nevarra. Nathaniel must have followed her, when she had ditched Mia, Stacie, and Lina. She knew Nevarra would succumb to her baser instincts; she had been counting on it when she changed to words to the songs she sang.

Excusing herself for the restroom, Nevarra had made Mia suspicious when she had left before finishing her drink. Both Lina and Mia had been watching her drink in the guys who were around them. Unsuspecting undergrads, relaxed Grad students, some Post-Doctoral fellows were chatting to Stacie when Mia had arrived.

As Mia reached their table, she saw Oliver, Leon and Nathaniel coming over.

"Matthew knows?" She asked, as they came closer.

"Yea. I told him. Nathaniel pointed out where she was." Oliver told her.

"What's going on?" Stacie asked in a whisper, Mia had filled her in while they had waited for their drinks with Lina.

"I don't know." Mia answered, unsure of Matthew's reaction.

-----

"So this is why you were okay with me going out tonight?" Matthew thundered as he saw Nevarra.

Locked in an embrace with another guy, they visibly jumped apart when they heard him. She looked surprised at his presence.

"I can't believe you would do that!" He stormed, as the guy fled, leaving Nevarra alone.

"Really? You are just as bad as I am." Nevarra replied, sounding unremorseful.

"What? I never went behind your back and kissed someone." Matthew retorted.

"You were just as bad, because the one time you and I were going to be together, you backed out. You knew you couldn't go through with it that night. You led me to believe that I had a chance with you, but it's clear I never did." Nevarra told him.

"I told you I wasn't looking for a long term relationship."

"That's not just it, Matt. You didn't bother with me that night because emotionally you're not available. Clearly, you've been lying to yourself that you don't have feelings for that girl. But it's obvious that you do." She nodded in Mia's direction.

The green eyed doctor had rejoined their friends by the bar, the group was discussing something.

"Whatever, it's over. Stay away from me and my friends." Matthew told her.

"Fine. What a relief...at least now I'll have a guy properly attend all my needs." She sneered at him.

Angry Matthew left her, shaking his head in disgust. Good thing nothing happened that night, he thought, heading for the table where his friends and family were gathered. Upon reaching them, he saw Mia talking to Oliver. She turned to look at him, sadness in her eyes.

"I really wanted to tell you..." Mia said, looking downcast.

"I should have known it was serious when you wanted to talk to me...thanks though..." Matthew replied, wishing he could tell her that it was more than okay that Nevarra was out of his life.

"Besides, she wasn't very much my type...and I'm kind of relieved..." He added, trying to lighten the mood. It had the right effect, the group laughed as they heard this.

"Anyway, I'm going to go get a drink." He said, leaving for the bar.

Having ordered his drink, Matthew ran a hand through his hair. I should have never gotten involved with that one, he thought, Lina was right about crazy stalker girls.

"Hey, Matt."

He turned around to see Mia had broken away from the group.

"Mia..."

Standing in front of him, she looked upset.

"I'm so sorry."

Without saying anymore, he opened his arms as she came forward. Her arms wrapping around his chest, while his wrapped around her shoulders. Nuzzling her hair, Matthew knew both Lina and Nevarra had been right. Here was the reason that stopped him from being with Nevarra, the single reason he could care less about breaking up with that girl.

"It's alright." He murmured, truly meaning it.

Chapters

58

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Bea Sinclair wrote 74 days ago

An interesting premise for a romance. I read the prologue and from there I was compelled to read on, great hook!. Have now read ch 1-3 and am really getting to know Mia. Your dialogue in particular really moves the story along. Well done. Starred and watch-listed. Yours Bea

LCF Quartet wrote 131 days ago

Dear Andene,
It took me a while to decide which book of yours to read, as all the three sounded so good to me...they're so my genre.
I only read the first few chapters of IF ONLY TONIGHT to have a feel of the story, and your writing style in general. Wow, it's a very long book!

What impressed me the most is your sense of dialogue. They're quite believable and complement the description parts in a good, healthy balance. The characters and the overall plot develops in a great pace as well.

I look forward to reading more, or a few random chapters so that I can send you new feedback with my thoughts.

6 stars and in my Watch List,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Shelby Z. wrote 437 days ago

WOW chapter 60 through 62 are my favorite chapters in this book.
I just love the way things are panning out for your characters. The whole feel is just right as is the pacing!
One thing I haven't stated before is that I enjoy your wording for all of the outfits Mia ears. Makes me see them so clearly.
Super work.
Can't wait to read on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

AmandaMary wrote 431 days ago

Nice opening, fluid writting, only read chapter one but will tramp on with more, enjoying what i have read thus far, easy bed time reading. I have just backed this. Would you mind taking a look at my book A journey back from naivety? back it if you like it. I look forward to reading more of your book, thanks for sharing.

scargirl wrote 430 days ago

the book is easy to read, as the dialogue flows well. i am not sure i like matt. the long pitch is a bit confusing and perhaps overtelling. draw me and then surprise me...
j
what every woman should know

Bea Sinclair wrote 74 days ago

An interesting premise for a romance. I read the prologue and from there I was compelled to read on, great hook!. Have now read ch 1-3 and am really getting to know Mia. Your dialogue in particular really moves the story along. Well done. Starred and watch-listed. Yours Bea

LCF Quartet wrote 131 days ago

Dear Andene,
It took me a while to decide which book of yours to read, as all the three sounded so good to me...they're so my genre.
I only read the first few chapters of IF ONLY TONIGHT to have a feel of the story, and your writing style in general. Wow, it's a very long book!

What impressed me the most is your sense of dialogue. They're quite believable and complement the description parts in a good, healthy balance. The characters and the overall plot develops in a great pace as well.

I look forward to reading more, or a few random chapters so that I can send you new feedback with my thoughts.

6 stars and in my Watch List,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Shelby Z. wrote 206 days ago

If Only Tonight by Andene
A deep and sweet story filled with twists and turns in the Life of both Mia and Matthew.
Though some of the language is a little over the top, I really love this story.
Mia is a pure character. Her life is tragic with a mother who cares more for a dead son than her living son. She struggles to keep her job tending to the soccer team players. Mia doesn't drink, sex, or cuss. She is a special and sweet girl with a lot of heart to her character.
Matt doesn't make life easy for Mia, but she keeps her chin up and works hard despite the problems with Matt.
The team really takes care of Mia against a overbearing player and Matt's problems.
It is a beautiful book worth the read.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 417 days ago

Chapter 67 very good though emotional.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 427 days ago

Chapter 66 is so touching.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 430 days ago

Amazing new chapters. The pull is so wonderful for the reader.
There is so much that happened to come to these three chapters.
Wonderfully done again.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

scargirl wrote 430 days ago

the book is easy to read, as the dialogue flows well. i am not sure i like matt. the long pitch is a bit confusing and perhaps overtelling. draw me and then surprise me...
j
what every woman should know

Shelby Z. wrote 430 days ago

Love the new cover. It is really special looking.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

AmandaMary wrote 431 days ago

Nice opening, fluid writting, only read chapter one but will tramp on with more, enjoying what i have read thus far, easy bed time reading. I have just backed this. Would you mind taking a look at my book A journey back from naivety? back it if you like it. I look forward to reading more of your book, thanks for sharing.

Shelby Z. wrote 437 days ago

WOW chapter 60 through 62 are my favorite chapters in this book.
I just love the way things are panning out for your characters. The whole feel is just right as is the pacing!
One thing I haven't stated before is that I enjoy your wording for all of the outfits Mia ears. Makes me see them so clearly.
Super work.
Can't wait to read on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 444 days ago

Your new chapters are really well done once again.
The tension rises and the thrill of this is all so good.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 459 days ago

I really enjoyed the three new chapters. I love the way things are going for everyone.
I am dying to know how this book will turn out.
Looking forward to the rest.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 471 days ago

LOVE the three new chapters. They are captivating and making the story unfold beautifully.
I can't wait to read the rest when you get them up!
Wonderful!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 472 days ago

I read the new chapters last night. They are so very well developed and keep your story flowing along nicely.
You sure now how to write!
Great work!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

JMF wrote 477 days ago

Hi Andene,
I like Chick lit so thought I'd take a look at this. First of all, I like the idea behind the story and it starts off well. The prologue leaves enough intrigue to want to continue so I was happy to read the next two chapters. There are a few consistency issues such as stating that the cottage belongs to her parents and then saying that it is hers a few sentences later. You mention she has 'parched lips' - perhaps a little over the top as she hasn't been stuck in the desert without water for days on end! I like the cliff hanger at the end of the prologue.
In Chapter One Felix is referred to as Felix and then Mr Pettyfer by the secretary. I think she would either use one or the other.
During her interview Mia says she comes from Toronto and then clarifies this by saying that it is in Canada. This comes over as a little condescending and I'm not sure that Mia is like this. She could say she comes from Canada, Toronto to be exact.
Occasionally there is a clumsy turn of phrase such as, "Her emerald green eyes were something he'd never seen before." Maybe it could be changed to something like "He'd never seen such stunning emerald green eyes."
These are just small points and as you are aware, totally subjective! I hope you find them helpful.
I really enjoyed reading the first few chapters and I wish you luck with your writing.
All the best.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

katjay wrote 485 days ago

Andene
If Only Tonight
Hi Andene, sorry it's been such a long time getting back to you, but I've been so busy recently. My apologies! I've read the prologue and first two chapters. Great pitch certainly draws you into the story and I want to find out how Mia and Matt pan out. Some small grammar issues but nothing that can't be fixed.
Well done.
Kat x (Hens from Hell)

Mystery Reader wrote 490 days ago

Great work on your book!
The pitch is drawing.
The title is unique but foretells of what you have to write.
Your books starts off so well, because it is a future so you can bring it right up to that point.
Your characters are so clearly developed and set apart.
The hold story line is very creative and new.
Super work here.

*Reader*

Shelby Z. wrote 491 days ago

Okay found your web novel.
Read two more chapters, super good.
I am dying to know how it will turn out.

SHelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 491 days ago

Amazing work you've done here, but I want to read the rest of it. It is just soo good.
Super Amazing work here.
:)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 492 days ago

Chapters 21-23.
SOOOO good.
I love the idea of the ring that Mia wears, that is soooo very cool and fun. I love the way you made her character.
Super grand job with it.
Keep it up!!!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 493 days ago

Chapter 18-20
Getting even better!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 494 days ago

Read chapters 14-17.
I love the part where they are swinging at the park. I love to swing! Anyhow it adds a special tone to that chapter.
The way you are developing everything is quite well. Sometimes there seem to be a lot of jumping between characters in chapter 16.
I really enjoy the way you put morals for these characters. They aren't heavy party people and the sex issue is kept down to nothing.
Really super job here.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shelby Z. wrote 507 days ago

Two more chapters read.
It is still a good story that you have here. The plot is really folding out at a good pace and the character development is perfect. No mistakes so far either.
I am up to chapter 12 now.
Keep up the good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Hope to read more at a later date.

Shelby Z. wrote 521 days ago

This is written really well.
I really enjoy how the story starts off in a gripping way. I'm glad that you've only put a few swearwords in your book. It makes it worth reading.
You make everything flow super well.
Your characters form at a good pace.
No misspelling or wrong words, so good job there.
I do enjoy how it goes.
GREAT JOB!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

L_MC wrote 539 days ago

Andene, I saw you've recently updated this so read the prologue and four chapters. Your long pitch suggested a story that would appeal to me and I do like the antagonism and confused feeling you have set up between Matthew and Mia in these initial chapters. I want to know who Matthew didn't want to think about, why he is so afraid of finding love and there is a hint there will be more to come about how Max died and how that has affected Mia. Looking forward to seeing how it works out between these two.

They are some minor typos and I did wonder why Felix was still assuming M Brooklyn was a man after he had already spoken to Mia's boss. I think it's natural for people to refer to those they are talking about as he/she his/hers etc so think Dr Phillips would have given away Mia's gender.

Ivan Amberlake wrote 578 days ago

I read the prologue and part of Chapter 1 and I definitely love your main character Mia! The prologue is a great hook - it makes me wonder about what will happen after Mia answers the phone. You introduce her very well in the first chapter. Mellenia is an unusual name - I love it. By the way, you have a great cover! On the whole, I think your book will appeal to ChickLit/Romance lovers and I wish you the best of luck with your wonderful book. I hope to return to it when I have a bit more time :) Embellished it with loootsss of stars!

Ivan Amberlake

Su Dan wrote 697 days ago

you write this very well. great pace and style brings the story and characters to life...
l shall back
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Andene wrote 698 days ago

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll work on the short sentences!
~Andene

Story sounds inviting from the pitch. Your sentences are often quite short, making the reading quite abrupt, rather than flowing. And watch out for the odd repeated word and missed word, eg 'eyes' in para 6 and the word 'see'? in para 9. Good luck.

wendyjones wrote 708 days ago

Story sounds inviting from the pitch. Your sentences are often quite short, making the reading quite abrupt, rather than flowing. And watch out for the odd repeated word and missed word, eg 'eyes' in para 6 and the word 'see'? in para 9. Good luck.

Wendy Proteau wrote 721 days ago

Hi Andene!
I read through your work and i think you have a great story. As others have mentioned, there are some ways to combine some of the paragraphs in order to improve the flow. Sometimes using dialogue can move the story faster, and it will help with the flow. I'll send you an email to show some examples. The punctuation does need a little bit of help (something I had to learn myself)....But i think with a little bit of editing, it will be wonderful.

All my best,
Wendy

Brittany Engstrand wrote 729 days ago

Not bad! First thing I noticed was the name of her hometown... is this a real place? If so, I would maybe put he state or around where it's at because (unless it's just because I'm american) it's possible no one knows where that is. There's quite a few grammar errors like a lot of "..." that could go and some one to two line paragraphs that could be added to another paragraph. Also, yea is technically yeah and a couple of commas are out of place, but as far as the actual story, it's a decent read. This isn't much of my genre, so I don't know too much about how to fix anything on that end. However, The prologue makes me want to find out what happens at that part (which can be a good and bad thing... some will say it makes people want to read on, others will say it makes readers want to rush and maybe even skip ahead).

Whew, okay now that we're past everything harsh, I like the story so I will add it to my shelf. It shows a lot of potential and with a little editing it can go a long way! Best of luck!

Brittany Engstrand
Melaney and The Mirror/ My Last Notes

Juliusb wrote 753 days ago

Dear Adene,

From the full pitch, your book should be interesting, being like bringing the South pole to be intimate and share commonalities North pole. Like Socrates calling on his students and siting down with them to think how the impossible should become possible. I will pick some chapters at random and peruse through them and see how it is mending.

Carol Ritten Smith wrote 773 days ago

Andene, you said you could take it so I have a few words of advice. I started reading Chapter One, but I got so bogged down with dialogue tags, I couldn't carry on. Dialogue tags are to clarify who said what. In the beginning of this chapter there are only two characters, Mia and the secretary. The first few paragraphs don't require any tags. It is obvious who is saying what. Even the 'Mia insisted' part is unnecessary, because the dialogue indicates it. So my advice is to get rid of as many tags as you can. Also, when you use a tag, usually there is a comma in front of it, not a period. IE: . . . and correspondence courses," Mia said, quietly.

Another essential tip. You need to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes. I've corrected a portion so you can see how to do it.

"You were promoted twice in gradeschool?"

Mia blushed again. "Yes," she muttered.

"Which grades?"

"Three and six."

"You finished high school in three years? How?"

"I took virtual school classes and summer school."

Did you notice I got rid of the ellipse (...). Use them very sparingly. And also using adverbs in tags are a bit of a no no. IE: Felix told him, sternly. Your dialogue should relay the sternness in his warning. Editor are put off with words that end in 'ly'. Find a stronger word so you don't need the adverb.

Okay, that's enough criticism. I've read other comments here about your book and it sounds like you have a good story to tell. You just need some dialogue help. Get a grammar book. "Strunk and White's Elements of Style" has the very basics and will benefit you. Do a "ly" search in edit (I think that's where you'll find it) and try to find stronger words for every adverb ending in 'ly'. Getting your story written is only a small part of writing. Editing is where the work begins. Edit, edit and then edit some more. Rewrites are part of the business of writing.

I hope I haven't offended you. I offer this advice with the best intentions to make your writing better. Keep at it. Best wishes, Carol

greengirl525 wrote 774 days ago

This is a really awesome read it so interesting and you have awesome characters
I can't wait to read more of the chapters

GreenGirl525

Gracie Ray wrote 780 days ago

This is such a great read! I love the plot, and you have great characters!!! I can't wait to read again when it's finished!!

Andene wrote 781 days ago

Hi Kirk,

The title is based on the song 'Only Tonight' by JLS...which is an awesome song! You should check it out! Thank you for the comment and backing! It means a lot to me!

Thanks!
Andene

Hi Andene,
Just wanted to know if "If Only Tonight" is a real song or something you wrote up?
Anyway, Mia is an interesting character. The writing needs a little cleaning up, but there are lots of folks here who can help ypu out. Good potential and I'm backing that potential.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

KirkH wrote 785 days ago

Hi Andene,
Just wanted to know if "If Only Tonight" is a real song or something you wrote up?
Anyway, Mia is an interesting character. The writing needs a little cleaning up, but there are lots of folks here who can help ypu out. Good potential and I'm backing that potential.
Cheers
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Red2u wrote 788 days ago

hi there Andene. have gone through the first 2 chapters... thoroughly enjoy the read..quite the smart cookie this Mia have placed on my watchlist for further reading ...good luck

1