The Battle of Sheol

Barbara. For the third time today, this is so well written. The standard I have to say is so high. I loved this and the reason I know is that it couldnt be as far away from my genre yet I enjoyed it. thats all I really need to know. it doesnt matter what genre it is. I think kids will thoroughly enjoy this and good luck with it. I score it high and will be watching it from the side lines.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

I don't consider myself able to judge young adult fiction so I did the only sensible thing, I let a young adult read it. The opinion was "Excellent,definitely one to store on my kindle and to re-read some time in the future." It was also assumed that a series would be forthcoming and eagerly awaited. Avery positive reaction from the target audience, well done. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-How Mean is my Valley).

Hi Barbara,
I saw your forum thread, and popped in for a quick peek...
and found this to be a highly engaging opening chapter to a young reader's tale. It took me until the school scenes to get a real feel for Tom and what his age might be, but that's ok, because from the start you have drawn a believable character that I'm certain teens will identify with. I really enjoyed the little 'karma' moment at the bustop with the puddle...
You;ve done a great job of introducing the elements of mystery - the housekeeper, the man with the strange eyes on the bus, Tom's 'magial' talent for fencing, all the while Tom is going through the normal pains and strains of a boy in a school he doesn't like, dealing with the bully, crushng a bit on the girl, and his comeraderie with friends. The first chapter as a whole sets a good pace, and if I weere the target age for this, I'd definitely want to read all the way through to the end - as it is, I will probably read ch 2 now just to see where this goes.
Small things: these are just a couple of little picks - I found that as Tom moved about his schoole environment I had a bit of the feeling of "Tom did this, then he did that, then he went there" - maybe the transitions from scene to scene could flow a little better.
"Porker was already yelling..... and his [reputable] hight pitched....." Reputable jarred me - seems like the wrong word?

Overall: this has great character, pacy plot unfolding, polished editing - highly enjoyable, and highly starred.
all the best,
Kim (The Seventh Gate)

BATTLE OF SHEOL
This is a good schoolage/teen story. Tom is a good character. He’s likable from the start becaue he’s enrolled in a college he doesn’t like; he becomes admirable when he defends Porker from the bully Ronald. I was surprised to find out Tom was college age, however. I thought in the beginning he was much younger. I guess because of the way the housekeeper hurried to cook for him is what me think that. Is a way to indicate his age sooner. Not make the discovery he’s college age so jarring? The way he’s an accomplished fencer is a good surprise. Overall, I think this is a story young adults will like. A good character to follow; a bit of magic to top that off. I’ve starred it highly and am adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I really like this Barbara!

It's been on my watchlist for a long time & now at last I've managed to read it all. There are a few tense problems with some verbs, read through it again & you should pick them up.

The story is engaging, the characters believable, and I'm left wanting more!

I like the way his visits to another world from our familiar earth are handled, the confusing randomness is cleared for the reader as Tom begins to understand the world he is drawn to.

Hope you do well, I've moved it to my bookshelf for a bit, Well done!

Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

An entertaining read, well written, to be backed. Marj.

This is a great for younger readers all the elements to keep them hooked a wonderful bedtime read. Love the cover, this is what drew me to read in the first place! High stars Karen, Faking it in France.

The Battle of Sheol starts off slowly, but I like that in a novel.
To often books on Authonomy come out flashing their action without involving the reader in the story.
I like the idea of Tom flitting in and out of Adamah, returning to the stressful 'real world' to try to explain what's happening to him, when he doesn't even know himself.
Good stuff, intriguing and well written.

Started off too slow. You were unable to hook me within the first chapter. I also found a few typos in the first chapter that you will want to fix before you reach the editors desk.

Good Luck!

Linda Nelson
Aaron & Keja: Time Dragon

I really like this, and I think it'd be a great read for kids. It could start off a little faster, but other than that I think it's a good read.

/Hege - The Silver Bell

I think this takes a little bit too long to get going but when it does it is very good. I suspect you may be pitching this at too old an age group - my 10 year old would like it but I think my teenager would find it a bit young for him.

If I were you I'd get this into the hands of as any kids as possible and see what they think, theirs is the opinion that really matters. If they like it then they will spread the word.

I publish a book called Shadowmagic by John Lenahan which explores similar themes and has built up quite a following. I'd suggest taking a look at that and seeing how it compares to yours. It might offer some pointers.

This has the making of a good kid's story, with lots of elements they'll enjoy - the strange housekeeper, the mother, the Goth girlfriend and then a brand new world. I can easily imagine the mother with the frozen food and Tom as almost a latch-key kid. But I do think the story is a little slow. The fencing match is fun and I'm sure it has relevance further on but it seems to me that the important part at the beginning of the story is the book Tom is given. Perhaps you might consider compressing the first chapter a little, to end with him reading the book? As usual, I'm simply expressing an opinion, it's your story and it's up to you.

In the fencing scene, you shift POV from Tom to the teacher. Maybe kids wouldn't care but then again, the same situation could be described from Tom's POV, wondering why the teacher wasn't stopping this.

One small technical point - you use 'was ...ing' very often. eg 'was echoing around him' has more impact as 'echoed around him'. Just a thought.

Barbara:

I'm sorry for taking so long to get here, but I've enjoyed what I've read so far (and this isn't the kind of book I'd normally read). What I like about it is the way you draw the reader into the world of your creation by starting off with a very realistic first chapter. Everything seems quite normal--even the fencing scene (though we wonder vaguely about Tom's newfound ability)--until Tom mouths the words from the book. The transition happens quickly and seamlessly, and suddenly the reader finds himself in another world.

Your writing skill is also to be admired, since your finely-crafted prose never calls undue attention to itself, allowing the reader to focus on the story. And although this story really isn't for me, I can imagine that a vast audience exists for it.

Best of luck with it.

Rob

This is a delight to read and something I could imagine my children enjoying, although perhaps when they are a bit older.

Mayteria and the mother have great elements of intrigue about them. It's obvious Mayteria is not a normal person and where does the mother go when the rose bush blooms (loved that concept)?

The opening feels so realistic, the boys being bullied and then the triumph over the bully with the fencing match, but the first big hint that something is about to happen to Tom.

I liked the idea of Tom stretching out down a tunnel and the difficulties he faced when he started travelling, there are some fun characters. The All Seeing Hill was a great tool to set out the crux of the story and explain the country, something that it would be easy for children to picture.

The vultures were horrible enough that children would know they were evil but not so much that they would be having nightmares.

Eli, being a changeling, will fascinate children but there is sympathy developing for this character who is maturing and so losing his ability to change as he learns pretending cannot be real.

This is engaging, intriguing and has the promise of action and battles. The writing is polished. I only noticed a couple of minor typos in the later chapters. There is plenty here to keep them reading.

Great read! loved it thanks. I gave 6 huge stars. Keep up the good work!!!
Rob slimm

The first few lines are a bit uneven, but the hints about Mayteria quickly pulled me into the story. "Your umbrella isn't wet."

Loved the fencing match, plus the hint of mystery there. This is excellent quick action with a rapid sequence of events to engage the reader.

Nice: 'The sun shone, forcing off coats and replacing sullen looks with smiles and cheer.'

I like Miriam - she's an engaging if mercurial character - "pounced around the kitchen like a furious tabby" - as is Abigail

The description of him distorting as he falls, black-hole-like, is brilliant, and so is that of the rose bush, and of his reaction to it.

And the dialect of the 'gnomes' is hilarious.

This story really is fascinating with an odd collection of incidents and characters that, though seemingly unrelated, do fall together in a way that feels like it all fits, like we are working towards completing a jigsaw, which is a perfect simile for a child's fantasy.

Some suggestions in messages...

As I read this it reminded me of a classic fairy tale. It has that familiar feeling. Not to mean its not original, it did. I really enjoyed what I read. I liked chapter 3...some spooky imagery. Your detail and descriptions are strong through it all actually. You took me into this world as a reader and to me that's important! You have got a winner here for sure! I'm starring it for now and will back it once I get caught up on my rotaions...that just gives me time to read more ;)

Missy

The Battle of Sheol

Hi Barbara,

Sorry it took some time to come back to you. You have the tone and age right here, fast-paced, traditional magic impinging on our real world stuff. I noticed Jane making the link with classic tales like Mary Poppins and Peter Pan, there is that gorgeous fable-like quality to the idea. Personally I felt chapter one was too long, the fencing, the bully, the girl and the introduction to the strange housekeeper not to mention the people on the bus, a lot was packed in. In many respects this is an old-fashioned children's tale, magic and intrigue and mysterious figures with umbrellas that don't get wet. In fixing chapter one, my gut instinct would be to enjoy the housekeeper and the strange figures on the bus first, to leave the school experiences, grounding and background to the main character, until chapter 2 and the fencing scene for after that.

You have a simple and effective style for this story, it was reminiscent for me of Narnia and of epic children's tales of yore - a neat trick if you can pull it off. My one question mark is around the suitability for a 21st century children's market, but there is a niche ably filled by authors like Jenny Nimmo and Cornelia Funke - classic fairy-story magic suffused with nostalgia and emblematic of the whole genre. But this may just be a personal opinion, I never liked the Railway Children or much of the output of Roald Dahl for while there's magic there, the books never indulged my desire to understand how and why the magic worked. So perhaps best to ignore my question mark over the modernity question; to be frank when you look at the popularity of Peter Pan still, Narnia too - what do I know? My personal choice is for modernity for children, but I can very well imagine this has a market as a read out loud or self-reader story for children, great as either a shared experience or on your own.

Impressive and stylish in the end Barbara, original and deft, well done and best wishes, I will support with all my might

Andrew W (Benevolence)
Hoping something therein was useful

I love this - all I can say is, if I had kids this would be our bedtime reading ;). Hopefully by the time I have kids - it will be in the shops.

In the queue for my shelf :)

Mick xx

Wow! This is really good. Very well written indeed, with no glitches or awkwardness. All done with confidence and enough interest to keep the reader hooked. I like the subtlety of the characters and the way that our acquaintance of them deepens....a very engaging story that will keep us all interested. Wonderful. Fran Macilvey. "Trapped" :-)

i love your book cover- its just enchanting and fits wondefully with the story. i didnt like your title at first, but it grew on me. i realized that it just works well with how you write and the storyline. your pitches are good- i wanted to read more. your dialogue sounds natural and not forced which i love. it compliments the nice balance you have between dialogue and description. i love it when he calls him old fart! :P
highly rated and good luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

The Battle of Sheol. Shades of Mary Poppins and Peter Pan all rolled into one - Your cover is striking, and the pitches sound as if they'd be appealing to your readership. I'm not sure that the word Sheol is harsh enough to be the scene of a battle, though. But that's merely my opinion.
I take notes as I read, and dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Mayteria - it rolls along the tongue nicely.
Dont you mean the look in her eyes was one he knew too well..
And wouldnt Mayteria leave the room rather than go round the corner? - or perhaps to the kitchen area if it's open plan, or something? I suddenly wondered if we'd gone outside.
If you leave out words like ever, started to, actually, just, etc. you will find the story will flow better.
You describe the atmospheric smell of human humidity so perfectly inside the bus.
Good old Tom - but wouldnt he feel just a teeny bit happy that he'd saved Porker, as well as feeling humiliated?
And then we're introduced to an awful lot of people at once.
The fencing scene, and the way Tom's foil behaves is riveting stuff.

Ch.2. Such a natural thing, Tom strutting his imaginary stuff in the street on the way home.
Sometimes your dialogue is confusing. Clever Tom, catching his mother out over Acqua and the chariots, but shouldnt you have inserted the 'Mum, Mum' bit after Tom saw the funny look on her face?
Weirder and weirdre - shades of Gulliver this time...

Ch.3. The mystery deepens. You draw it out well. What an imagination you have.
I'm confused. Is the bit about the rosebush in the past or the present?
Oh - it must be in the past. Perhaps you need to make this clearer, somehow.

You have the makings of an excellent story here, but the pace is a bit slow, and perhaps there are some pieces which could safely be left out?

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Hi Bee,

I've just finished reading chapter one and I really like it. I like the dialogue. I can hear the boys chatting in my head. I also like the fact that Tom is so downtrodden by the woes of adolescent life. It will make the revelation of the secret which has been hinted at in chapter one even more exciting. I can't wait to find out about the significance of Tom's housekeeper and the man on the bus. I hope there are lots of twists and turns to come

Talk sooN,

Irene

I am enjoying this ... something I would definitely have read to my kids ... lovely :)

Very quick moving. Catches up your attention and holds it. I have a short attention span and this kept me hooked until I had to force myself away from it. I really like it. I was draw to Tom. He is well thought out and being a male who dealt with bullies, as we all have to do at times, I thought the way he is described is just perfect. Good job Barbara. On my shelf.

I'm loving this. Zipped through it with barely a stumble, immediately hooked by Tom. His attitude to school and his troubles with bullies establish him straight away as a kid thousands would relate to.

I'm not going to review it in detail because it isn't a genre I know well, but just a couple of things jarred.

The first sentence, imo, would read more easily if you said 'When Tom opened the front door...'

The second thing was about Porker - 'his reputable high-pitched shriek...' Don't think 'reputable' is the right word here.

It's on my shelf.

good story...good names...narrative very good...an all round readable and enjoyable story...
where did you get the word 'sheol' from; was it the hebrew name for the 'underworld'?
anyway backed with pleasure...
read SEASONS...

Love this "the thick smell of human humidity"

The first chapter is really well done. It kept me hooked through the end - and then left off with an even more intriquing hook at the end!

This reads like something my 9 year old son would enjoy tremendously.

I only question the constant hints that Tom somehow knows that something is up or strange about his life. Perhaps it would be more interesting or create more suspense if we, like Tom, were completely in the dark and Tom didn't even betray for a minute that he thought something was off about his life at all.

Maybe he interrogates Mayeria - instead of just noticing the her umbrella is dry - maybe he says something to the man on the bus - or to the bus driver or a police officer - accusing him of stalking - that's just my opinion and a suggestion though. It reads very well as it is, I just wanted a bit more suspense here.

There are obviously a lot of references here to the Bible - his mother's name is Miriam - as you say in your pitch the world is called "Adamah" which means "earth - as in soil or dirt" in Hebrew. The words in red are also in Hebrew - not sure yet as of chapter two what you are trying to convey with the Hebrew - because the text here is not exactly coherent or proper Hebrew - but maybe it's supposed to be cryptic? I'm certainly curious to read on and find out more now!

Chapter three was really creepy - about the rosebush. I had to read more.

Chapter four too - my eyes raced across the page - I had to know what was going to happen next. But I am still confused about the Hebrew. I was hoping there would be more so that it could help me make sense of the two phrases that you did quote - but so far - no more. Was there something specific you were trying to say in Hebrew? It seems like the grammar might be off in the quote - I'd be happy to help - unless you meant it to be that way.

The story is certainly gripping - it kept me turning pages. I had to find out what would happen next!

A really interesting read.

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles and Blown to Smithereens

Barbara, this is perfectly judged, ideally pitched at your target age-group, alas so far removed from my own. The pitches are excellent, packed with 'amazement' and exciting prospects for the young reader. I've read your work before and it's evident you have an affinity for this genre. Writing for children is such a difficult task, done properly, and your vocabulary, pace and storyline are exactly right.

I've glanced at previous comments, unusually for me, and agree with John Booth about the speech tags. Simplification would tighten the narrative and with your appreciation of dialogue will not confuse the reader. I'm impressed. I expected to be impressed, but even so, you still had to deliver the product, and you have!

I've also looked carefully at the concerns about technical issues - that old show or tell business, etc - and in all honesty it wasn't a deterrent for this reader at least. far too busy exploring the story of the redoubtable Tom. Edit, of course, work on the story, but keep the main emphasis on the story and your characters; the search for technical perfection can wait a little longer yet.

As ever, not the view of an Editor, just a reader, so take it as such. A few small niggles will iron themselves out at a later stage, but in its present form it is massively promising. Best of luck with this one, already perched on my shelf to brighten up my drab life.
Jake

Hi Barbara,
This is great stuff once it get going. I loved the fencing scene and the interplay of the kids conversation. Took me back to my own childhood.

You could improve the first few hundred words by getting rid of virtually all the speech tags. (he said, she said) They are all pretty obvious from context. You introduce a lot of puzzles in the first 500 words and I might be tempted to remove Mayteria from chapter 1, 'he wasn't supposed to ever.....' seemed a little heavy handed. Or perhaps just leave the unexplained without comment.

I also thought you could have done more with the soggy sock at the end of C1. The story of that sock gets three quarters of the way through the chapter and then peters out. At least have it miraculously dry when he puts it back on :-)

But looking forward to reading chapter 2 when I have some time

Bee, I am really enjoying this - what a wonderful storyteller you are. I flew through the first and second chapters and will read it to the end in sittings (computer reading does my eyes in).

Loving it so far.

Lynn xx

Lol, just re-read to give a comment and I thought she was saying 'Tom, your beard's in the toaster'. I suppose my mind had fun with that but a question remains, what else would be in the toaster? Anyway, overall I had some problems with what was happening on the approach to the school; what was happening to who and who had the mud (aka cat crap their blazer or shirt). It might be me, but I re-read a few times and it still wasn't clear. Also, the first para would be better if we felt the pauses between sentences, otherwise it feels jarring. Example, "Tom, your bread's in the toaster." Kitchen cabinet slamming, noise of car keys scraping the kitchen worktop as they are hurriedly picked up. "I have to go, I'm (going to be) late (again?)" Noise of mum as she approaches the bottom of the stairs, knocking something over maybe (same old routine?) "See you this evening (sounds too formal, like a dinner date). Hope this helps?

Here at last, Bee. Remember, just my thoughts as a reader...nothing more. I'm always entranced by the idea of books taking people to other places and times and the Babylonian connection interested me immediately.

Chapter One: I felt you tried to cram too much into this chapter. There were so many characters and so many incidents that I got a bit confused. Maybe too much detail on small events - ie breakfast. I also felt that the trip into the past (the being splashed at the bus-stop) came too soon and went on too long. It took us out of the present too quickly.
What is really important to establish in this chapter? His character. Abigail (I'm assuming she will be important). That his mum is a little weird. I would save the fencing shocker until the next chapter - it's a defining moment - ie he can do something VERY weird. Make more of it.
Also, at the risk of sounding JayGish - heaven forfend - there is a lot of telling going on....

Chapter Two: 'These strange inexplicable events' - so there are a lot of them? I don't think we knew that...
'Mum dear' doesn't sound quite right. Adverbs are sometimes a bit intrusive - ungraciously, vigorously both kinda hurt my ears. There are quite a lot of typos in the ms, and some sentences don't quite flow smoothly - it does feel quite rough and would be worth reading through aloud for pace. POV shifts to Abigail. For my taste I'd keep it with Tom throughout.

Chapter Three: like the rose bush...but wouldn't he question his mum about it? This is BIG weird stuff but he seems quite matter-of-fact about it.

Chapter Four: Abigail's accent grates a bit - I wonder if it's a good idea to transliterate the way she speaks? Maybe give an idea of it upfront and mention the way she speaks, and thereafter we can imagine it? I know a lot of editors baulk at accent intruding.

I dunno, does this help at all? I think you've got the makings of a great story here, Bee...just needs some finessing. xxx

Fantastic piece of revenge on horrid bullies, in that first chapter; Tom's a very spirited hero with a whole lot of nerve. I liked the fact that he was vulnerable but wouldn't back down to the bullies, and also looked out for his friends. The other-worldly aspect is yet to kick in but I know his spirit will serve him well in that other dimension. Very readable style, too - terrific work, Bee!

P

Hi Barabara,

I've finally managed to work my way through my WL to you, so here I am for a read. Sorry it took a while. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Chapter 1: Good opening. We're right in Tom's world from the get go. Crappy breakfast. I feel a bit sorry for him. And it's raining. And it looks like he's getting bullied. I'm definitely on Tom's side.

Reading on... The dialogue with the bullies is good and nasty. Sounds real. Kids can be so cruel, can't they? Good to see Abigail stand up to Ron. She's got guts. I like her.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think it's generally best to avoid forms of started/began as actions don't reall start. eg insead of "Nathan started to laugh." I think "Nathan laughed." would work better and be more direct.

Back in the present. Good to see Tom manages not to make the same mistake twice with the bus. Things are looking up for him. Oh but then he snatches defeat from the jaws of victory by stepping in the puddle :(. Tom really is a hapless sort, isn't he? Hmmm I wonder if the man with the strange eye signifies anything. He does seem oddly focussed on Tom. Curious.

Uh oh. Tom's going to start fencing today. That could go so horribly wrong, what with Tom's clumsiness and Ronald's nastiness. I was amazed when Tom interfered to try and help out Porker. That took real guts.

I've a small suggestion here. I think your story could be even more engrossing if you could find ways to show more and tell less. eg "Porker was grateful..." is you telling the reader a fact. It can be a bit uninvolving. If, instead, you wrote something like "Porker helped Tom to his feet, saying thank you over and over again in his squeaky voice..." you'd show the reader through action how grateful Porker is. I think such an approach could be more vivid.

Reeading on... Tom seems less than thrilled with the debate and his role in it. I sympathise. i think I'd hate doing that too. Abigail seems unimpressed at being paired with Tom too :). She's a bit blunt, but seems to know her own mind. + she's got real talent as an artist, I think.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think it's generally best to avoid adverbs as 90% of the time a strong verb will do the job better than a weaker verb-adverb pair. eg instead of "Tom walked dispiritedly out to the hall..." I think something like "Tom slouched out to the hall..." would paint a clearer picture. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing boils down to just picking verbs. ;)

Reading on... Ooh what's this? Tom seems to have an unexpected skill with fencing. He's obviously been trained somehow, and yet he remembers nothing of any training. v peculiar. It was wonderful seeing Tom thrash the bully. I almost wanted to cheer ;). Nice to see Ronald get a taste of his own medicine too, being mocked and laughed at. Tom's day's turned out a lot better than he expected. :)

Chapter 2: Hmmm it sounds like the strange fencing event wasn't unique. Such odd things seem to have happened to Tom before. His mum seems like an academic who's a bit out of touch with the real world. I think she's neglecting Tom. Not in a malicious way, more in a careless way. She does seem to love him, after all. Hmmm but then she reacts strangely to a simple question. It looks like she's a bit unstable.

I wonder, along with Tom, if Abigail will meet him or if she's just messing him about. From her, that wouldn't surprise me. Tom reading sci fi all the time makes me think he wants to escape the humdrum reality of his daily life. Who could blame him? Hmmm I wonder what's the strange book the man gives him? That'll have to wait, though, now Abigail's here. Ah we finally get a glimpse at the real reason for Abigail's attitude. It's a defence mechanism. Unexpectedly, I feel sorry for her. she's not a bad sort. She's just in a diffilcult situation.

Aha we see the book properly at last, but it's in a wierd language. When Tom reads the words aloud, something wierd happens. They must be magical! The next we know, he's in a strange place, with strange people speaking an odd language. They're puzzling over who Tom is and where he came from. Oh the men are tiny. Tom must be in some strange new world. Ah but then Tom gets pulled back to the real world. Was it just a vision? Hmmm it seems not. That strange grass in his hair had to have come from somehwere...

OK I just notuced how long this comment's getting. I think I got carried away with your story. Sorry about that. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think this is a wonderful adventure for children. It's filled with excitement and magic. Tom's a sympathetic and likeable character I can see children routing for. And there's plenty of mystery to keep children reading just that 1 more chapter, far too late into the night. ;)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and really hope you manage to get an agent to notice it. I can see this selling. :)

Best of luck,

Pete x

Love the cover and title. Gives it an instant fantastical feel.

A little torn on the short pitch to be honest. Would love this to be a punchy one liner. Of course, I can’t help you with that.

Long Pitch: I like it. It works. It tells me what I need to know. A quest is at hand.

Chapter One:

Would like more than the first line to start this. Where are these words coming from? Downstairs? Was there a knock at his door? Who said them?

dark brown hair – dark, brown hair

the thin buttery lines in the pale yellow tub were barely visible –what does this mean? Does he mean there is no margarine?

but still there was still mud – hmmm...one still too many?

The sentence starting “Tom tried to keep moving...” you have three ‘tom’s in this sentence, that’s too many.

Look he pooed – Look, he pooed

cold clear blue eyes – cold, clear, blue eyes – maybe just two descriptive, three is a bit much

Abigail was different than most the girls – most of the girls?

Rumour had it that she had – Clunky this sentence. Maybe: Rumour around school was that she had...

Oh grow up Ronald. She snarled... – Oh grow up, Ronald, she snarled and walked on.

You lost me when it moved onto the next day. You might want to clarify that a bit more.

rain by shove from another – by a shove?

My general impressions of the first chapter are skewed. While I like Tom and a lot of the plot with in this,
especially the twist of him having Abigail as his partner and also him knowing how to fence without him ever taking a lesson, I also felt it was way too long. I am guessing this is for middle grade, and I would like to see the chapter shorter and more fluid. There is a lot shoved into this chapter.

Personally, I don’t think this can all be done in one day, instead of two. I know why you show him being bullied because you see the caring side of Abigail, and then you have him saving Porker to show Tom is a good guy. I don’t know what the point is of the guy on the bus is, but it really added too much for a first chapter.

I would weed something out from here. Whether it’s the permission slip from the mom or the second time he gets wet. Or the first day completely. It just prevents us from getting into the story. I did notice a few missing commas and some of them I wrote down above this.

My main note I have a couple times written down is personal pronoun starts. They prevented me from sinking into this. I felt there were far too many sentences that started with Tom. Actually, there is far too much “Tom” in the first chapter all together. I counted 120 instances of his name being used. That’s a lot. Even for Middle Grade where it is more acceptable to have the name repeated more. I would keep an eye on this and look for other ways to start a sentence. It was distracting for me.

Also I noticed your characters doing a lot of ‘looking” Search Look and see if you can weed some of these out.

Chapter Two:

The beginning of this chapter feels a lot more relaxed. I slipped into it much easier.

Why was she home early today of all days? – I don’t understand the of all days part? I would just leave it at today

Paragraph starting “tom watched as she pinged” -- you have five ‘oven’s in this para. A little repetitive.

This is a much better chapter than the first, to be blunt. I really think there is a groove you’ve hit. The story moves forward. There isn’t wasted scenes. I like the interaction with Tom and his mom and then with Abigail at their meeting place.

A curious little scene where Tom goes to another plain only to come back again. I would be careful in here as I did notice some repeatition and think it could be tightened up to flow smoother. Might have been drawn out a bit too long.

I am guessing Abigail will be going back with him. She’s a curious girl, isn’t she. And there is a hint at something else going on with Tom’s mom.

Did notice a few punctuation errors, but it’s hard to nitpick on authonomy because they won’t let you copy and paste. Regardless, I really enjoyed this chapter much more than the first. It really developed easier and didn’t feel as though I was being clobbered over the head with a ton of information.

Chapter Three:

This started off well enough, but you really lost me when he started talking about the disappearance of the thorns and then his mom’s disappearance. I have no idea what is going on. I reread it a couple times, but there are words missing and misplaced commas. I can’t seem to figure out what is going on. Who is Mr Mason? What is going on? Is this a flashback? Who is Bob? What is with the bike?

I think you should look this over and sort out what it is supposed to say. If I can’t follow it a 14 year old certainly won’t be able too. I feel this is a huge part of the story, very important and I would love it to be clearer and simpler. I get the drift through the end that the mother leaves when the bush blooms, but I have no idea how Tom figured this out or what all the commotion in the middle is. Two characters seemed to be added in “Bob” and Maytiera without warning, and weren’t fully explained.

Little lost, but moving on to chapter four.

Chapter Four:

Black and gleaming like wet – Wet what? Or do you mean black and gleaming as if they were wet?

It seems as though he has a friend in Abigail. I like the part with Ronald. Them fighting in the change room
and him uttering the words to get away as in an escape.

I think the strongest parts and the most engaging is the beginning of the chapter though when he goes to the other world and is shot by the little gnome like creatures with the pea shooters.

This is certainly a compelling story, one rife with plot twists and turns. I think the writing is strong enough. It feels more children’s fiction than YA, but that’s just the impression I got.

I did notice the personal pronoun issue through the whole novel and noticed a lot of sentences start this way. To me this is a bad thing. For every paragraph I write I make it a rule to only have one personal pronoun start. Of course, that is just my style and my rule. I find it keeps me as a reader within the story, but personal pronoun starts, especially if there are a lot of them really pull me out of the story I am reading.

I am interested to see where this is going. I like both Tom and Abigail as MCs. They are both very different from each other which makes them an unlikely duo, but a believable one.

Good Luck with this.

Janie Loveless –White Trash

Lovely writing, Bee, nice, crisp characters and the right dose of suspense. I don't frequently read children's books so not completely sure how to comment on it but I think children will get into this story really easily as your style is so transparent and it's obvious that you love children and their imagination. Very good dialogue as well. You're a pro! I wish you lots of success with The Battle of Sheol. Starred and backed. Hannah

I've now read all four. Great action to keep your YA readers hooked, lots of intrigue, good relationship between Tom and Abigail developing, maybe just add a spark of sexual tension eg. Tom noticed how pretty Abigail's eyes were without the black eyeliner. Anyway, great stuff.

Hi Barbara, I really enjoyed your characters, especially Miriam and Abigail - loved the spikey pit bull collar and the reference to the pit bull again. The characters are so quirkily described that Tom's traveling and the rose bush come out of that. I like that fantasy element, that these characters are involved in speculation and experiment beforehand. I just saw one paragraph where Tom's name starts so many sentences - "What occurred next..." in Chapter 2. The pace and the tone, sometimes bluff, Abigail's dialogue also added to my reading involvement. It's starting out with buoyancy and visual color. Looks like a humorous book with lots of promise! Shelved - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Great opening 2 chapters, set the scene and introduce us to Tom so well that we really feel for him in both the bad moments and the very good one. Hope the detailed comments I sent help!
Simon x

Dear Barbara,
I read the first two chapter and enjoyed this.
I like Tom's character, his relationship with his mum and his relationships with the boys at school. You have conveyed all of this really well.
I love the concept of him being pulled into another world. I'm sure kids would lap this kind of tale up.
My only thought was the beginning of the second chapter, it seemed a little disjointed from the first one, I don't know whether you could introduce his knowledge of his special abilities earlier, as it doesn't seem to gel with him in the first chapter. As the reader I kind of felt a little confused. Almost like the second chapter was the beginning of the story again.
Anyway others may feel differently. I'm sure you'll have success with this, its not an easy genre to write, kids are the worst critics, but I have a feeling they'll like this story.
Well done,
Cheers Jacoba

Hey this is really good! What a unique, interesting plot.
I felt really bad for Tom at first, nothing worse than a gang of bullies picking on someone who is smaller than them, but then when he attacked them to help out Porker, I was like, there's something more to this boy then meets the eye...
And that's when you wowed me!
Sword fights, alternate worlds, flipping backwards, mysterious books with unknown words...I think I'm in love with this book, it has all the elements of an excellent story just waiting to burst into fruition!

Your character portrayals are brilliant! They seem so believable, emotionally, physically, mentally... I actually found myself clearly picturing each character as you described them, from his kind hearted, albeit secretive mother, the creepy, mysterious man on the bus and his classmates (I feel sorry for Porker, I hope the bully gets whats his), and the questions I have running through my head now...
So much mystery, I love it!!


You have a natural flair for writing, it all just flows so completely together, truly you have a knack for creating realistic, well rounder characters, settings and conversations!

I will most definately read more when you post more chapters, I must have my million and one unanswered questions solved!
Excellent writing.

Bron
The Endless Awakening

I like this. Tom is clever, a fast thinker, but still too clumsy to benefit much from it - a fish out of water - until he holds the fencing foil for the first time. It works brilliantly how you let Miriam's and Tom's interactions reveal so much about them in chapter 2, and then the astounding description of Tom's rather elastic venture into the other world.

All the characters are clearly drawn, from his mum (questions) to the man on the bus (more questions) from the bully (gets his arse whupped good) to the gruff and scary but kindly Abigail.

The Battle of Sheol is clearly going to be a fun and satisfying adventure, with some great writing: 'the thick smell of human humidity', 'Got a good one up there', 'half of him was lying in the grassy-feather stuff and half of him still seemed to be coming in for a landing'.

I'll rate it high for now, give it a backing to get it going, and come back and read more at a later time. Nits and suggestions will be via Messages.