Book Jacket

 

rank 513
word count 10376
date submitted 10.04.2011
date updated 20.05.2013
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Crime
classification: universal
incomplete

The Weight of Paper

Liz Hoban

People aren’t always who they seem. When your own child is in question, how far would you go to find answers?

 

My name is Dr. Matthew Germaine and I am what is known as a profiler. I look at a dead body and figure out who, why, what, when, and where. In addition to my career, I’ve been singlehandedly raising my daughter, Jane, for the past two years after her mother, Sophia, left home one day and never came back.


When Sophia’s decomposed body washes up on Star Lake Central, some two years after she’d supposedly left town, my world takes a turn I couldn’t have predicted if my life depended on it. Unfortunately, now my life with Jane’s does depend on it. Jane thinks we’re on an adventure of a lifetime but we are on the run for answers. I wonder if the old adage is true: be careful what you look for, you may find it. At this point, the only thing I know for certain, I will fight to the death. I’m not giving Jane back!


This is a story that challenges the human spirit, and questions whether love itself is enough to survive and be happy. Told predominately in the first person, The Weight of Paper is complete at 86,000.

 
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Chapters

8

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Chapter Eight

I remembered the day, the patients that were scheduled and I anticipated lunchtime with fervor like never before.   I forced myself to focus on my first patient Hectors Azares.  I couldn’t allow my personal life to interfere with my professional practice and if ever there was a day I was challenged by that particular code of ethic, it was this day. 

I jumped right in to the session feet first, figuring if I concentrated on that, time would pass quicker and  the sooner I would meet up with Sophia and Jane. 

I opened the folder before me on my desk and sighed with frustration.  “I realize Hector that this is the last place you want to be right now but when you tried to talk your family into playing Russian roulette you had to know if you survived, you’d have to see a shrink at the very least?  Right Hector?”  I had patients that tried my nerves and patients that gave me the nerve to try on their behalf.  Hector was the former.

Twice a week I rented office space in town where I saw patients that were considered clinically insane but functional, whatever that meant.  They seemed to be my expertise so they were referred to me from such sources as the state penitentiary and Wheaton Medical, never more than ten patients at a time, five a day and that was it.  I had a great support staff with the local psychiatric hospital less than a mile from my office.  I didn’t accept insurance so patients were all self-pay. For most of them this wasn’t a problem but for Hector it was so he bartered and I went for it.  Hector’s brother owned a swimming pool business and banged out a brand new in-ground in a week two summers ago. 

I usually never asked my patients where they came up with three.  That was their business.    They’ll pay three hundred dollars for a day at a spa so why not for their therapy. When they had to pay directly from their pocket like that and cut out that third party, they demanded more for their money and behaved more like consciensous consumers instead of victims to the healthcare system.  I for one liked that sort of  market driven system.  It was also pretty certain most if not all would have to come at least once a week due to the severity of their psychosis. It was also the reason I didn’t see these patients in my home.  I made it a tenet never to mention my family member’s names or have pictures of any of them, one never knew especially given the population I was dealing with.   Over the years I had learned it was a safe practice most cops, hospital staff and therapists abided by.   There were some very crazy folks out in the world and most of them were not taking enough medication.  

Hector didn’t say much during our sessions and I knew he was bored but he had yet to show the appropriate remorse for the fright he had given his wife and kids that night.  He just kept repeating that the gun wasn’t even loaded so what was the harm.  He obviously didn’t get it and I wasn’t doing him much good at this point. 

“Have your probee call me before your next session, he’s got my number.”

“Why man, what the fuck did I do?”  Hector tensed his shoulders and stuck out his jaw.  “Why you wanna get me in the red, man?” 

I wasn’t quite sure what “in the red” meant  but I let it pass.  “You didn’t do anything Hector but that’s the whole point, you’re contributing nothing to these sessions and yet my four-year-old spent the past two summers jumping in the pool your bro put in my yard.  You’re not getting your bang for the buck here!”  Somehow I needed to break through to this guy.  “I’m willing to refund the pool money and you can get another more competent therapist for your situation.  No hard feelings, I’m happy to pass on the file to the new guy, unfortunately most of the notations are me trying to get you to say something.”  I smiled at Hector who caved in and slumped back down on the couch in his usual spot. 

“Doc, listen, I don’t want another guy, you do good work.  It’s me, I’m just not good at communicado.  You know.  I clam up.  You got all these degrees and I didn’t even finish high school.”  Hector waved his hand around the room at walls that had nothing hanging on them, just bare beige walls.

“Don’t even go there Hector, if I didn’t have a degree there would be some other poor bastard sitting in my chair instead of me and you’d still be sitting there.  This is not an even playing field because it’s not a game.  I am here to help you and when I can’t see that working out for you I find it in your best interest to refer you to someone better equipped.”

“You know, I thought about joining a gang a few weeks ago and I didn’t do it because of you.  I thought of you and knew you’d be disappointed in me so I didn’t.  I really am a decent guy.  That night with my family I can barely remember. I never would hurt them intentionally and now I see my little Nalya flinch whenever I go near her.  She used to run up and hug me but she doesn’t do that anymore and I feel ill.”  I saw tears in Hector’s eyes and I felt like crying myself.  We had a breakthrough for the first time in four years.  I handed a tissue to Hector.

“Okay, so are we ready to get into the real work now?”   I asked in all sincerity.

Hector tossed the tissue in my direct and gave a wave off with his hand and laughed like we were old friends.   “You always so serious doc.  You need to lighten up sometimes. I promise to be a better patient if you promise to let me make you a margarita, Hector style.” 

“You’re not supposed to be drinking alcohol Hector, remember part of your probation?”

“I’m not drinking it, just mixing it, you’ll be drinking it!   I bartend down at Cuervo on Markus Boulevard.”  Hector smiled at me and I saw genuine pride in his face that he had a legitimate, paying job. 

“I’m happy for you but just be on guard for the triggers.  The things that drive you backwards towards old behaviors which let’s face facts, Hector, were very bad.” 

“Hey, I had a breakthrough, you said so yourself so don’t be a parade rainer.   Let me enjoy the moment.  Now I’m going to leave here with that chip back on my shoulder because of you.”

“My job is to bet the eyes in the back of your head.”  I closed his papers into the manila file on my desk.  “See you same time next week and don’t worry about your probee making the call this time but keep up the momentum or I’ll will feel like a failure and we can’t have that.”                                     

 

My second patient that morning was Laurel Jamison one of my borderline patients; smart, talented, beautiful and completely narsasistic.  But there was also something very special about Laurel.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on it as it remained somewhat elusive and that was why I accepted her as my patient recently, though granted, her wounds were fresh an deep and permanent.   My job was to simply keep her alive. 

“I want to have sex with him but then I think he would want more and I’m not capable of giving more.”  Laurel was “Listen Laurel, you don’t love the guy so really it would be just sex.  Is that what you want?  Loveless sex?” 

“It’s better than sexless love.” 

“You’re hopeless and times up anyway darling.” 

Laurel liked me, I knew that because she came back each week this month and I saw that as a good sign.  She confided that if her sister hadn’t died she’d never have gotten any help for all the other things that were so messed up about her.  As strange as that is, I understood what she was saying.  She had already been a tortured soul even before the tragedy.   When Laurel’s baby sister drowned, she was supposed to be watching her but instead Laurel was fooling around with a boy from school.  Her borderline tendencies went full throttle.  Then almost two months ago, Laurel’s mother committed suicide, and without a father Laurel was on her own at eighteen.

In four months’ time, Laurel had lost her family and she blamed herself and always would. I knew that.  Her guilt was almost unbearable at firsnext to me an droll my snow globes around and around.   She described the snow falling as tiny fairys with no rhythm and when they settles she said it made her sad.  Like it was an ending to something beautiful.  She said someday she was moving to the north pole.  Her mother had told her it was wher her father lived when she was growing up.  She damitted she knew her mother was schizophrenic, that she said things she believde to be true but were indeed false.  Still, she dreamed of living in a place where it snowed all the time.  Everything was blindingly white. 

I had known we had much work to do on Laurel’s stability but at least she spoke even if it wasn’t really directed at anyone in particular.  She’d pick up the snow globe and it was as if a key was turned and she relaxed just a bit, just enough to let in some light.  I had used the snow globe, a trick from early days of grad school to allow a patient to see the chaos of the snow but how physics will always allow the snow settle – their lives will calm down no matter how bad the storm.  It worked and I had always kept a snow globe on my desk, ironically finding Vermont to be the perfect setting.  It wasn’t the North Pole but it was still quite wintry all the same. 

There were sessions, Laurel paid for ninety minutes and  just sat curled in a ball in the arm chair, watching the snow settle only to shake the glass globe vigorously again.  I understood what she saw in that globe, it was like focal point for her pain.   Having read and reread her case file, I saw the connection and I let it be.  She casually admitted one session, globe in hand, she herself had contemplated suicide, the first few weeks it was a daily struggle not to buy a gun.  Somehow managed to get through that phase of grief.  After many hours of soul searching therapy, Laurel was able to, at the very least, contemplate intimacy.   I was proud of her for that and told her so before she left my office that day. 

Finally, I recalled being so grateful that so far two of the five of my patients both had okay sessions that morning. It was noon and time for me to meet Jane and Sophia at the doctor’s office. 

       

Chapters

8

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T.J. Evan wrote 8 days ago

You've got to be shitting me...oy! I just finished chapter seven and heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Mostly, though, I want to keep reading and figure out wtf is going on!! I'm definitely hooked. No real critiques other than I'd like to see more dialogue. Thanks for the nightly read, T.J. Evan. Oh, and I actually thought 'winnie the shit' was hilarious...

Alice Barron wrote 28 days ago

Very tense at the end of chapter three. What will all this mean for Matt and Jane? I like where this story is going. Very enjoyable first chapter. Reg and Jeb are out fishing when they notice a large crowd gathering around a fishing hole. The police have also gathered there. They deny to the girl that it is their fishing hole but Jeb left his fishing knife there earlier and his initials are on it. What is going on?

In chapter three......We really don't know details yet, Coroner Obrien's our guy working on the case.......Obrien's should be O' Brien's.

A story that makes me want to read on. Giving 4 stars for now and will read on later.
Alice.

Seringapatam wrote 60 days ago

Liz, Matt and Jane. Wow, you have written this so carefully and such passion. So well done. This is the third book today that I was stuck to and another one that should have no problem moving forward. You have such a way with the narrative, its brilliant and with that and the cool flow you have going on, it cant fail. There are a lot of readers who like this genre come reading this book. I score this high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

SJ Bell wrote 89 days ago

Hi Liz- I read and enjoyed the first eight chapters of "The Weight of Paper". You have a solid story with an interesting premise. I like the MC, Matt, and find his feelings and actions to be authentic. Allow me to make some other comments:

"Don't Bogart the joint, dude." - Ah. Not exactly "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...", but it is a memorable opening line :)

"She pointed behind her to the crowd, seemingly irritated by their two boys." - Do you mean "the two boys"?

I am ok with a couple of teenagers smoking reefer in chapter one. Referencing LSD while describing a child in chapter two, however, makes me uncomfortable. I do not see the point.

"I was whining. Had I learned that from Jane?" - Good. This is a much better way to paint a picture of Jane and will surely strike a chord with every parent.

"Winnie the Shit" - Profanity has a place in literature, but again, I do not like it being associated with a child. What is the point you are attempting to make? That Matt thinks of Jane as a shitty little LSD user? I like the rest of the paragraph, though- the idea of Jane preferring to be upside down, etc. "Daddy, you're being so silly." "Little baboon". Yes, this part is endearing. But seriously, get rid of the LSD and shit references.

"Women were unfamiliar territory." - I like that Matt is having trust issues. It seems a realistic response to being abandoned by Sophia. I am having some difficulty with the tense, though, as it seems you frequently switch from present to past and then back to present again. For example, should this not be "Women are unfamiliar territory"?

"Dr. Matthew Einstein, yes that was my name..." - Another example of tense problems. Has his name changed? Shouldn't it be "...yes, that is my name..."?

"How unethical had my actions been?" - Pretty damn unethical, I would say. It is not about the therapist. It is about the patient. Matt has Jane but what does Sophia have? How much damage was done to her? One moment, Matt is wondering how a mother can leave her child and the next he is claiming that his actions were ethical because they resulted in the child. But this might be good- you have definitely left open the door for Matt to grow as a character. Hopefully, as the story unfolds, he will learn to accept responsibility for his actions.

The story takes an interesting twist at the end of chapter three. I am skeptical, however, that Sophia's body could have been well-enough preserved after so long a time for an autopsy to arrive at this startling conclusion. Eh, I will set aside my disbelief for the time being.

Ch. 5, second to last paragraph: "They needed to get out of there, he needed to go until he could figure out a way to keep Jane with him." - This must be re-written so that it remains in first-person POV. I like the overall feel of it, though. I am experiencing Matt's emotions, his near-panic at the thought that he might not be Jane's father, that he might lose her. It is good!

"I'd run a private DNA test..." - "I'd" can be a contraction for either "I had" or "I would". It is unclear which you intend.

"...wrinkled, piece of rag trench coat..." - Good description!

Several interesting details are revealed at the end of chapter six. This is well-written and I liked it, but for the bit about the marijuana roaches. As with Sophia's body, I find it difficult to believe that roaches would be preserved after two years. Unless this is a critical detail, I suggest you scrap it and simply go with the pop cans and beer bottles.

Ch. 7 - "Jane, on the other hand was bouncing from bed to bed, treating this as a marvelous adventure and my heart breaking my heart a little further." - rewrite needed.

I could be wrong, but I am unaware of an "at home DNA test kit" that does not require the completed test to be sent to a lab in order to generate the results- you might make this clearer, as it sounds like Matt intends to do the test himself.

Ch. 8 - Flashbacks can be great but I think there needs to be a better transition. You can't just say, "I remembered the day...". Instead, you need to tell us why Matt is remembering that particular day.

Anyway, this seems a good start and I am glad you have shared it. It needs some polish, obviously, but all works-in-progress do. There are many tense issues and a handful of POV problems. A good editing is required. But the story is pretty solid. The main character's motivations are strong. His responses are believable. His feelings seem authentic. The best part is the mystery. How did all of this happen? I expect it will be a fun ride for the reader as they find out, with many twists and turns along the way.

Good luck with it!
SJ

Sheena Macleod wrote 89 days ago

Liz, I read the first three chapters of 'Weight of paper'. This is a really good read. You have a talent for writing in a way that makes the passages just flow by. Intriguing, cleverly written and full of suspense. I had this on my wl and wish I had got round to reading this earlier. I will read on and provide further comments as i go.
My kind of read.

High stars
Sheena
The Poish Plot

Michelle Richardson wrote 94 days ago

Hi there Liz, I found this so difficult to put down - great writing and such a lovely insight into the relationship between Matt and Jane. I will place this on my Wl to read more and will have to switch around some books to make room on my shelve . High stars from me and hope this does really well x
Michelle - 43 Primrose Avenue

jenniedavidson wrote 97 days ago

Hello Liz,
I loved the boys at the beginning, their conversation and the way their thoughts swirled around why people might be at their hole, made me smile... that has to be dead on. I also liked the father/daughter relationship, so believable in its nature. The mystery surrounding the finding of Sophia's murdered body is something that makes you read a little faster and leave you wondering what the hell is going on. How can you not want answers... :)
I think you've got a really good story going here with minimal errors. I look forward to reading more when I have time as the story is lingering with me.
Well done,
Jennie

cowgurl4Jesus8912 wrote 98 days ago

I loved this! I would get to end of the chapter thinking I knew what was going to happen. Then I would have to read the next, and if I had other things to do all I could think about was getting back on the computer to find out what was happening!

Good Job! =)

carol jefferies wrote 109 days ago

Hi Liz,

I've just enjoyed reading the first few chapters of your book 'The Weight of Paper,' which I was attracted to my the image you used as well as your pitches.

It is well written and quickly paced with an intriguing plot.

I intend to read some more.

Good Luck with it,

Carol Jefferies
(Love for Lilian)

mark01684 wrote 128 days ago

Great opening three chapters. I like the flow. Very easy on the way. Little hints hook the reader drawing them into the story. I like the subtlety of that. I also think that you cleverly drip feed the growing cliff hangers, turn the page, reveals bit more etc.
Is there a typo? "Welp" did you mean "well"? Also you speak of Obrien. Do you mean O'Brien?
I reviewed the weight of paper because it was the least reviewed of your work, so I hope you don't mind.
There are a number of complex threads in this story, the indiscretion, the disappearance of Sophia, the birth of Jane and Sophia's missing uterus. Wow, talk about a deep and complex story.
I feel a little mean picking holes in this story because it's so good. It's way beyond my simple jottings.
Good work. High stars and on book shelf as soon as space pops up.
Mark01684

mick hanson wrote 137 days ago

I'm really quite knocked out by the way this is written. It's intriguing to say the least, and when I reached the bit about it being "anatomically impossible" for her to have had the child an added dimension entered the story. Added to this is the cool pace in which it jogs along and of course the realisation that you "is" a woman writing about an MC who is a geezer - well you do it well, but beware of stereotypes is all I can say about that. I have no problem in crossing into a genre I wouldn't ordinarily read because in this case it is so well written, and a novel set in a very modern up to date US police department is a far cry from my own rural Sussex. Full backing I wish you all the best - Mick (It Was A Kind of Cold, Grey Morning)

Kit Masters wrote 148 days ago

Hiya, really enjoyed what I have read here.
As it started I thought I was going to be writing a comment about your excellently constructed third person as the first chapter is told.
Then you go into the first person and you introduce your characters well in chapter two and the interest and pace continues into the third.

Here I think you miss a trick slightly, in that you really gloss over the back story to him and Sophia, that may be intentional, that you'll reveal more to the reader later, but the beauty of first person is that you can tell the reader so much about what the narrator is thinking and feeling, the stuff you cannot include for believable third person.
You could for instance have him say something like, "Sophia came back into my life, with the surprise news of Jane, my daughter... that's a bit too painful for me to talk about now, but I'll give you more details when I'm feeling ready for it a bit down the line."
It's just a thought but I really feel that with first person you've got to give us a reason why the person is writing, you've got to talk to your reader directly, to make it believable.

I hope that all makes sense and that this has been some help.
All in all though I find your writing very readable and I think you've got a very interesting premise going straight away!

Kind regards
Kit

evermoore wrote 210 days ago

LIz...You write 'real'. Your way with words has allowed me to feel I'm there with living people that are just as normal as they come. From your opening chapters with a single dad and his little girl, (which had me smiling) to the scenes when he'd been needed at work. The shift is flawless and flows in a way that captures your reader into needing to continue on. You have a gift and I'm giving you high stars for that alone.
You're on my watchlist and I look forward to seeing it published!

Linda

Helen Laycock wrote 226 days ago

P.S. I've rated the book well!

Helen Laycock wrote 226 days ago

Liz, I've got to the end of Chapter Eight.

You tell a good, fast-moving story with well-defined characterisation and cliffhanger chapter endings. You've also created intrigue in a believable world. I hope you see it to completion.

There were a few typos which caught my eye:

Chapter 3 - 'slow done, son', should, I imagine, read 'Slow down, son.'

Did you want to put 'See ya later alligator' in speech marks, since it was overheard? (sorry, didn't note down whether ch 3 or 4 there)

Chapter 5 - 'Deedee vehicle'. Should that be 'Deedee's vehicle'?

Also there was a sentence in Ch 5 that seemed out of context: 'They needed to get out of there...with him.' It seems like the PoV changed from first to third person here.

Chapter 6 - 'Nothing' man'. Did you mean to hit a comma here, not an apostrophe?

Chapter 7 - I didn't understand this phrase: 'no light sot sirens'. I guess it was meant to read 'no lights or sirens'.

Chapter 8 - spellings of narcissistic and conscientious, plus one more anomaly: 'she damitted' . . . which should be, I think, 'she'd admitted'.

I hope that's helpful.

Good luck.

Helen

Helen Laycock wrote 226 days ago

Ah, I've read as far as to the end of Chapter Three and you've got my attention, Liz!

I'm certainly enjoying your writing style. You have created realistic relationships between your characters and the scenes created are visual.

I look forward to reading more . . . as soon as I have time.

Helen

levielm wrote 227 days ago

Excellent plot lines and story arc. Nice job with the whole DNA mystery and the trickery done on Matt w the original +DNA, now -DNA.

Easy to read style and nicke hooks at the end of each chapter to keep readers turning.

I confess, I got lost in #8, What happened to the plot...It left me dangling in the open. This is a great story that could be a wonderful full length novel. PLease push it to absolute completion.

Best. j

levielm wrote 227 days ago

Excellent plot lines and story arc. Nice job with the whole DNA mystery and the trickery done on Matt w the original +DNA, now -DNA.

Easy to read style and nicke hooks at the end of each chapter to keep readers turning.

I confess, I got lost in #8, What happened to the plot...It left me dangling in the open. This is a great story that could be a wonderful full length novel. PLease push it to absolute completion.

Best. j

singfam wrote 251 days ago

Wow. You have the gift of writing! :-) Smooth! Great voice! Fun, unique personalities popping out everywhere. :-) Mystery at every turn, written as though it could be real. Your writing brought me right in to "the movie" of your story. I felt like I was watching an episode of "Bones" or "CSI." Really great. Not a book that I would pick off the shelf because of the language etc, but you grabbed me right from the start and held me tight through the whole thing. I wondered how you would finish the book by the 8th chapter, though. ( Your intro gives the impression that you have downloaded the whole thing. -I have a hard time picturing 86,000 words- but I guess its more than what you have here) :-) hahaha!

Anyways! great stuff! I love the little nuances of action and personality that bubbles up around your characters throughout every page of your story. I love how you introduce your characters minimally at first as the story needs them, then add to their character more deeply as our curiosity asks for it. You have a natural ability, very intuitive as to what, and how much and when, things should be disclosed to keep the story alive and moving fast and strong.

The only part that I would add just a little more disclosure, was with Matt. I got kind of confused for a while as to what his profession was, and what his relationship was with Sophia. One word at the beginning somewhere could head my brain down the "therapist" road, instead of letting it run down the "police man" road when the chief calls for him. My brain also missed the clue that he hadn't been married, so it quickly turned down the "happily married to Sophia" road by default. So with both of these "programs" running in my head, I was very confused with the paragraph that tried to explain his history with Sophia. Even the words "there were issues" weren't enough to put my brain on the "oh, he's a therapist" track. I had to re-read the paragraph two to three times to put it all together, pull my brain back and set it down the right track. :-)
Hope that makes some kind of sense.
Found a couple edits in Chapter 7 maybe getting tired by then? :-) Looks like missing words?
"my heart breaking my heart a little further" ??
"There was missing child photo" ??
"It would come to him like it always did, he just had to be patient, usually reared its ugly head of truth while he slept"?:?
( I love the last part of that one by the way! ) :-) but I think that could be 2 or 3 sentences.

Otherwise, totally awesome writing. Great story, great plot, great title, and awesome book cover. :-) Absolutely perfect! :-)
Good luck to you! I'm sure we'll see this one out at the bookstores before too long. :-)
I'll put you on my "gotta back this one" list. :-) I try to rotate the shelf some. :-)
I need you to put the rest up so I can read the end by-the-way! lol!!!

Jeannette Singleton
Journey to Kalado're

StrikeAMatch wrote 299 days ago

This review is for: Liz Hoban’s The Weight of Paper
Date: 08.22.2012
Review By: Elizabeth Raine
Chapters: 1-2
Short Pitch – This is what actually hooked me. I was debating between it and the other you’d written, but this pitch stood out. It caught my eye. (because I’m more into this type of novel)
Long Pitch – It is really good. I like how the short pitch is told in first person to accompany the novel. It pulls the reader in as well. Great job.
Chapter One: I like how the entire thing was introduced. Meeting two brothers who ice fish as well as get high. With the way it is written they really jump off of the page. Kind of like the reader is there or watching a really good film. It ends with a hook, which Is perfect for any writer, if you ask me. A chapter that ends with a hook, makes the reader continue. Which is exactly what it did for me. Well writte, I couldn’t find any mistakes.

Chapter Two: From the very first two paragraphs the second chapter is already off to a great start. The characters are completely loveable. It’s like you just can’t get enough and the chapter just flies by. Matt, Deedee, and Jane are the perfect chapter two pairing. The reader(or at least I did) ends up liking the small remarks from Matt to Deedee as well as the little girl who brightens up the entire chapter. Really well done. I couldn’t find any mistakes, well done!
Watched Listed. Backed. 6/6 stars.
~ Elizabeth.

Petre Quincy wrote 309 days ago

I like this, one of the more interesting books I've discovered in my short time here. I have a query/criticism about chapter 1. Do Rog and Jeb show become major characters later on? I didn't read past chapter 3, but I get the impression they may be "one hit wonders" in their words. And if so, wouldn't it be better to trim chapter 1 to a single page? Just saying'.

Lynne Heffner Ferrante wrote 313 days ago

My favorite genre of all times! I intend to read both books to the end. I am already hooked by this story so far. Very well planned and written and very Grisham, in the best possible way.

Lynne Heffner Ferrante
An untenable Fragrance of Violets

Searcher wrote 340 days ago

Hi Liz, Again, your writing is excellent!

I'm guessing in Chapter 1 that a body may have appeared in the ice hole. Since the real action starts later in Chapter 3, I was wondering if you should give an indication of the body in Chapter 1, if indeed that's what it was. Possibly the girl mentions it or somehow they see a hand, some material ... something? (Maybe instead it was about the knife the boys left). In that case, it won't fit! I think the story is very good and although the 1st chapter is written excellent, it still may need something to hook the reader. I know when I had to go back and make changes in my 1st chapter I didn't want to but after I did, I actually liked it better.

Chapter 5 .. like the DNA test proving his paternity!

Just a thought but please ignore this if it doesn't fit for you! (I am thinking it was probably about the knife!) Lots of stars!

Jane

SteveSeven wrote 340 days ago

Hello Liz, This is also a great book with good characters and plot. As a former book-dealer, I know that your subject would be very appealing. You build good suspense from chapter to chapter and it all flows well. I cannot understand why this book does not have as much support as the Pickle. Still, I love it! Kind regards, Steve.

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 363 days ago

Another excellent novel! I read all eight chapters to get a good 'feel' of the story. I love the way you end each chapter with some kind of hook so the reader can't wait to get on to the next. The close bond between Matt and Jane is well portrayed which makes it all the more shocking when chapter 3 reveals that Sophia is not Jane's mum so who on earth is Jane? I felt really upset for Matt and how much of a devastating blow this must have been for him. Good trick of the trade. Build up the characters to a level that the reader cares about what happens to them. I like your writing style very much. It flows easily and makes for a good read. I always see your books as making good films or is that jumping ahead a bit! Well done and I am looking forward to more chapters being added.

Kim (Pain)

Harehound wrote 412 days ago

Liz,
I am not really the right person to crit this genre but you were kind enough to take an interest in "Conclusive" so I have read (very swiftly) all the chapters that you have uploaded. The pace is fast and the scene-changes equally so. I think that is right for this genre - although I did find the quick changes from description to action and back in the first chapter a bit disorientating.

I imagine that it is written for the reader who likes fast-paced action-packed crime-thriller stuff, with a decent about of mystery thrown in - in which case i think you are writing this very well and I imagine that your readers will stay with the book. It is one hell of a sight better than the vast majority of crime stuff that is around so I really hope - and think - that you will find a publisher for it.
Harehound (for Belia) - 'Conclusive"

Monica Pride wrote 490 days ago

Hey there,
I just checked out the first couple chpts. after looking at your page, and this is a really great read! But actually, I was going to ask you to check out my book, Words God Gave Me, because I saw you are a top talent spotter, then got to reading yours. Love the title, thats what drew me in. I like it so much, I put it on my watch list. You don't have to do the same unless you actually enjoy my book. I am looking for constructive criticism, feed-back, and advice, especially since you have written considerably more than I. I have started three others, but they may take a while to finish.
Words is some auto-biographical, some tesitmonial, and fully poetic. It's a true-life story.
I thank you in advance for reading and commenting on it,
Monica Pride

Su Dan wrote 575 days ago

you writing style is original; it had a type of rythym that gives your book character and great feel...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

writerwithacause wrote 602 days ago

Hello,
This is a really good book. I stopped reading at chapter 5 because I didn't want to get to 8 and have to wait. I do have a question at the beginning in one of the first few chapters I thought you said that Matt was there when Jane was born and now you are saying he wasn't there. The story is easy to read and very believable. I'm shelving. Lisa

Hermione wrote 603 days ago

Not sure I'm reading this right... you've been on the site for more than two years,you have three books, all unfinished, all apparently excellent, but you have a book with an editor. Is that one finished? I'll happily give you six stars, but I need endings, otherwise what's the point?

Iceman61 wrote 684 days ago

Liz,you've got to post more of this, it's so good. Chapter 8 needs some editing for misspellings, nothing too severe, though.

Are you aware that you do a double space between all your sentences? I noticed it because it's something I used to do until an editor pointed it out.

If this is complete, you should be submitting this to agents. As with your other works you can tell a story in a professional manner. You could so easily find yourself with a publishing deal. Keep going for it.

Gary Sweeney Some Time In New York.

strachan gordon wrote 727 days ago

dear liz,thankyou so much for backing 'A Buccaneer' over the next few days I will try to access some of your work and give you some feedback,Strachan

Jen Small wrote 727 days ago

the scenes are set very well in this, which is good for a person like me, who likes loads of description in which to place the characters. i like the way the tension builds,too.
one to watch
jen

Mildred Colvin wrote 734 days ago

This is written in a way that keeps the reader reading. Very good job!
Mildred

DreamWalking wrote 745 days ago

This is my favourite of the three books you have on here. You are a natural story teller and I like the way you build the plot. Your characters are very believable and three dimensional. I have learned a lot from reading some of each of your books.
I look forward to seeing the finished products.
all the best
Aka

pilot/writer wrote 769 days ago

Excellent writing and a book I hope gets fully posted because I want to read more. Who is Jane?

HS
Priority Gal

dee farrell wrote 778 days ago

Chapter 1-3

This is a strong story from the opening paragraph. The plot develops easily, and I like the way we are introduced to the main character in small doses rather all the info in one paragraph. We have time to reflect and absorb his character, etc., instead of being inundated with details.
But it is in the details that the author sets up the conflict, pairing the absurdity of a man smoking outside a cancer center with a "mother" without a uterus. The author is skillfully leading us into the mystery, and bingo, we're hooked.
Nicely done.
Dee Farrell
Warrior Heart

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