Book Jacket

 

rank 2800
word count 47882
date submitted 13.04.2011
date updated 18.04.2011
genres: Science Fiction, Fantasy
classification: moderate
complete

The Antitype

Katherine Salavarria

The Scarlet Order sends a small group of members to search for the missing vessel of their god, Hevan.

 

It has been 19 years since the civil war that banished the great Scarlet Order. The universe’s vessel to the god Hevan is dead, his replacement lost in one of the many galaxies. In a desperate attempt to restore the order, a small band of Scarlet members are sent on a last-chance mission to find the missing vessel, the Antitype, in hopes she will restore balance in the spiritual and physical world. But… are they too late?

This book is complete but the only book of the trilogy that is uploaded.

 
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tags

battle, cults, dragons, gods, knights, ships, space, spiritual, war

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37 comments

 

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lizjrnm wrote 1098 days ago

Unique and full of imagination. Shelved with pleasure. Starred too for talented writing!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Joshua Jacobs wrote 1061 days ago

I absolutely loved the beginning of this. I was enthralled by the writing style and this world you've created. The writing was immediate, gripping, and vivid. This is one of the best, most polished openings I've read on authonomy, and I can't wait to read more. The twist at the end was breath-taking. I always wonder when I come across novels like this why they haven't found a publisher yet. Good job! Six stars, no question.

Anjari the Shaman wrote 1092 days ago

Hey this was an awesome read. i only usually read about 3 chapters as i live a busy life and atually dont get alot of time at the moment. but pat yourself on the back, its awesome

Stark Silvercoin wrote 1087 days ago

The Antitype is a sweeping sci-fi epic that attempts to tackle some pretty large issues. Normally I tend to read sci-fi that is more based on a single character, you know, space pirate goes good or combat marine goes bad. The Antitype deals with issues of religion, creation, the balance of the spiritual and physical world, you know big picture stuff.

Author Katherine Salavarria has created quite an intriguing world. The descriptions are very detailed. The author has done a good job of defining the world for the reader, something that is absolutely necessary in such a complex tome such as this. Reading the book made me ask a lot of questions about the real world, as does all good sci-fi, which is never just about the plot that is set forth.

Although I very much enjoyed the book, I think the best part of it comes in the latter half of the work. When you get up to about chapter 20 through 25, you start to get some real action going and main characters become apparent. The 40s really fly. I would almost suggest throwing readers into some of that action right at the start, to provide a hook. Explaining the world and background is necessary, but if you try to do too much of it before readers realize that investing their time in your series is worth it, you will probably lose people. Even if you have to show something from the future and then warp back to the present, as the hero wonders how they got into this mess, it’s better than throwing a bunch of background at them too early.

I am backing The Antitype because this is a very ambitious project and author Katherine Salavarria handles it very well. We need more epic sci-fi and with a few minor tweaks here and there, this could be one of the greats.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Pat Black wrote 1068 days ago

Dizzying cityscape - reminds me of the best of Asimov's Foundation series. You also pepper the prose with action scenes with Hinn's deadly escape taking centre stage. Immediately we're in epic territory, and your blurb promises a lot of action. There's a bit of jargon - necessary in sci-fi or fantasy works - but it's never overpowering.

P

Ivan Amberlake wrote 1030 days ago

I love sci-fi and fantasy books and as soon as I came across The Antitype, I wanted to read some of it. I extremely love the cover. The short pitch is highly intriguing and totally works for me. The full pitch is a great hook for me to read this book.
The prologue is very well written and I like the way you describe young Hinn, whose aura burned with flames the color of suns. You masterfully show the emptiness with Hinn, I love your comparison of Richel with a virus.
Tiny nitpicks:
- The ceremony of a god … laid him before the god’s alter [should be ‘altar’].
- One of the guards yelled … of a explosion [an];
- Hesitation filled … their mind’s too mechanic [minds];
The ending is so exciting I want to go on.

Chapter 1 starts with very beautiful descriptions of a woman in front of a mirror. It’s easy to visualize. What happens to the woman is intriguing and I want to read more. Well, that was a dream. Or a nightmare. I love dreams in books, maybe because I use them in my book and like comparing to what other writers have. Your dream is definitely well-written. Now that Hayden and Master Bon Jaro meet I want to know more about these characters and the matter they are discussing. I’ll definitely return for more.
This totally deserves full marks and I’m really happy to be reading this extremely well-written book.

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

mmallico wrote 1044 days ago

Very believable characters and an excellent plot! Definitely worth a backing.

Andi Brown wrote 1047 days ago

Hi Katherine,

I should say at the outset that I am grossly unqualified to evaluate this work fairly. Fantasy is a genre I never, ever read -it's almost like a foreign language to me. That said, I can recognize good writing when I see it, and you write very well indeed. You have lots of imagination, you draw the reader in immediately, and your use of language is quite skilled. I'm giving you lots of stars for the book. Good luck with it.

Best,
Andi
Animal Cracker

J. C. Rutledge wrote 1050 days ago

Wonderful writing and great creativity. I can see how much work you've put into designing your universe and I'm impressed. Here I was thinking I had a hard time of it trying to design an entire world :D

Your characters are strong and well developed. I haven't read the whole book, so I can't really comment on the plot, but I can tell it will be great.

One thing I found odd (and you may very well have your reasons for it) is that in a universe with multiple gods, there are only two, unless it's only two with Antitypes. The fact that they have elemental properties suggests that there should be gods of other elements as well. Maybe something to think about :)

There are a fer minor errors in there, but nothing that editing run you're planning on doing won't fix :P

Great work and good luck!

El Womble wrote 1056 days ago

This is a really well constructed story that's let down a little by poorly crafted writing. The prose needs a fair bit of work, and at present that gets in the way of my enjoyment. I want to get lost in a world like this, not be stumbling over the writing.

You're also missing quite a few opportunities to pull readers in, for example "The perfect hiding place for the Order, which was now hiding from its enemies." Who else would they be hiding from? Add depth by replacing unnecessary detail with colour. I don't want to tell you how to write but I mean something like "The perfect hiding place for the Order, concealed from their enemies these past six years".

Could you have written this without watching Star Wars? Honestly? Masters, apprentices, auras etc. I'd consider varying the language a little if I were you, research hierarchies in medieval orders of knights.

As I said, the story telling is excellent, but it needs a bit of work.

I can definitely see this getting published if you put in the hours.

~Evangeline~ wrote 1058 days ago

Hi Katherine

As promised, a read of the THE ANTITYPE. As always, my comments are only valid if they strike a chord with you. Otherwise, they can be ignored.

You seem to have a story and a strong vision here. I think, however, you have a lot of work to do with your prose if you are going to do it justice. It' needs to be tightened, given more urgency, and some of your imagery needs to be toned down or corrected.

If we look at your first paragraph - which I pick on because it should be your best writing:

- A suggestion, I don't like THE GREAT CITY ... THE MAIN STREET. Consider naming the city and the street. As in "Paris stretched out on either side of the Champs Elysee .." or "Trantor stretched out on either side of Imperial Boulevard". I think it would give more impact to your opening.

- You can remove "MARCHING ALONG IT". What else would a procession be doing?

- I would also remove "OF THE MASS" and make the verb that goes with MAJORITY plural. Majority, can I think, go either way but in this context I feel that "The majority were .." reads better.

- DESPITE THE FACT is just plain ugly. Perhaps something like: The majority were cheering, their cries echoiing to the heavens, despite the guns pointed in their direction.

- The sentence about colours and treason is off-putting. I suggest removing the reference to treason. Let the politics come out naturally in subsequent paragraphs.

There are similar issues throughout. Nothing that cannot be corrected by reading out loud and editing ruthlessly. I must just mention two other pieces that stopped me, the reader, from continuing smoothly through your first chapter:

HAD ONCE BEEN BURNING - Ick.

A MIXTURE OF FIRE AND ICE - I appreciate you are reflecting the twin Gods here. But to me, the reader, a mixture of fire and ice is warm water. So I would recommend rethinking your imagery here.

I hope this helps

Sincerely

Evie

JaredFladeland wrote 1059 days ago

You've definitely built something complex with this, with layers.

I can appreciate that.

For my personal taste, though, there's action without being action. I never feel drawn in because there seems to be a barrier between the action. There's lots of description, but I don't feel the action.

I think in the end, it's simply not a style I resonate with. In this particular genre, I have a very specific style of writing that I enjoy, otherwise I have a hard time getting into it.

Sorry that I don't have more positive things to say, I just had a hard time getting into it. But I was glad to back it and read it! I don't feel like I wasted any time whatsoever, just wasn't my cup of tea.

Su Dan wrote 1061 days ago

very good story- great plot, excellent narrative. you tell this tale with great skill and perfect description...already backed:- 6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Joshua Jacobs wrote 1061 days ago

I absolutely loved the beginning of this. I was enthralled by the writing style and this world you've created. The writing was immediate, gripping, and vivid. This is one of the best, most polished openings I've read on authonomy, and I can't wait to read more. The twist at the end was breath-taking. I always wonder when I come across novels like this why they haven't found a publisher yet. Good job! Six stars, no question.

Vice Captain Sam wrote 1061 days ago

Okay, as promised, a read of the Anti-Type. As always, whatever I say is only my opinion, and you don't have to listen at all if it's missing the point.

Pitch is concise and interesting.

PROLOGUE

First paragraph- it took me a while to realize what was happening. You describe it well, but I'm not really getting a vibe of a restless crowd watching a parade.

'constantly' used twice in that one paragraph too. And you could cut the passive: '....guns were aimed in their direction.' Makes it slicker to read.

'even if they were innocent of treason'- what does the last bit mean? It's treasonous to wear red? In which case, they're not innocent, because they were wearing red...

Writing picks up a bit when Hinn appears. You've got an easy flowing style and some interesting descriptions.

Wow, you sucked me in quick! I love the contrast between ice and fire and the whole situation Hinn has to face.

The action at the end kinda got lost on me. It's written so similarly to the start I didn't really get a sense of change in tension and drama. I think possibly you could bring it out a little more.

Otherwise, well, you've blown me away! Being a lover of RPG games this is precisely the kind of story opening that'll have me hooked.

ONE

A little bit of word repetition (veins), and the sentences could be tightened further (some excess 'that's and things). I like the descriptions though, they're easy to read and don't get in the way of the story.

Pace slows a little with the backstory of new characters coming through. Didn't bother me too much, though, but take care not to go overboard.

I think you could get us closer to Hayden's thoughts. I wasn't really sure what he thought about things. Give me his impression of his surroundings, that might help bring to life the description a bit more.

I'm racing through this! :)

TWO

Hmm, all the new names and constant pauses to explain to me what's going on is putting me off a little. Also, I have no idea as to how this event is in any way significant compared to before. More impressions from the main narrator would help. How do the characters react to what's happening? You mentioned it was new for a Knight to be made an apprentice- why? What's changed? And how do the characters feel about the change?

Otherwise, great stuff. Riveting prose, a strong, mature style, and a plethora of interesting characters and setting. Just try to bring the characters more to the front, let them lead the story, and try not to bog us down with too much backstory or scene-setting.

Excellent work!

Good luck and all the best

Sam241

Pat Black wrote 1068 days ago

Dizzying cityscape - reminds me of the best of Asimov's Foundation series. You also pepper the prose with action scenes with Hinn's deadly escape taking centre stage. Immediately we're in epic territory, and your blurb promises a lot of action. There's a bit of jargon - necessary in sci-fi or fantasy works - but it's never overpowering.

P

Lady Midnight wrote 1072 days ago

Hi Katherine. Have just read the prologue of The Antitype and very much enjoyed it. I’ve left a few thoughts that I hope prove useful. Backed.

The pitch is short and tight, providing just enough information to entice the reader in.
Prologue.
The first four paragraphs set the scene, with vivid imagery. The air of celebration is skilfully overshadowed by a presentiment of fear and doom.
The fifth paragraph again contains good description, however the words: “him”, “he” and “his” are overused and need to be thinned out. For example: Wrist and ankles shackled, an air of pain surrounded him, but there were no visible injuries. In fact no one had dared touch him. A handful of elite soldiers surrounded Hinn with guns aimed. They were ordered to stop any attempt at trickery, by whatever means necessary.
The same applies to the following two paragraphs, I would suggest perhaps using alternatives to “his” and “him” wherever possible, perhaps by using Hinn’s name occasionally.
Description: It was as if the coldest part of space had taken residence in his body and forced out every bit of warmth and life. Loved this, your skill at depicting you character’s emotions are excellent.
Repetition: The ceremony of a god (taking) an already (taken) Antitype... the two bracketed words are very alike. Would suggest replacing the 1st with: possessing.
Unnecessary adverb: ...as it (slowly) began to race inside his chest. I don’t think you need the bracketed word, apart from being an adverb; it clashes with the word “race”. I think the sentence flows better as: ...as it began to race inside his chest.
Typo: ...with the force of (a) explosion. Bracketed word should be “an”.
Typo: ...their (mind’s). The apostrophe makes the bracketed word singular, for the plural there should be no apostrophe: Minds.
However Hinn knew he did not have time to waste on (explaining) how he had been able to kill them. Explain to who? If this is to his rightful god, you need to make this clear, if it’s to himself, it might be better to rephrase along the lines of: However he did not have time to agonise over their deaths, or: However he did not have time to rationalise their deaths to himself.
Syntax: Hinn found a chair and tied the belt around a low hanging rafter after climbing onto the piece of furniture. This is a bit wordy and clunky, suggest something like: Hinn climbed onto a chair and then tied the belt around a low hanging rafter.

the dragon flies wrote 1082 days ago

[Antitype]
You really didn't try to make it easy on yourself when you started writing this book. It is well written, but it still lacks emotion. I mean, when Hinn killed himself, I couldn't help but say: okay, what's next?

If this really is so important, make it important and let us feel how this hurts us.

H.W.Ryan wrote 1086 days ago

This book is right up my street, I've only read the pro and chapter 1 but it's definatley a keeper, going on my watchlist for now but will soon be on my bookshelf. Good work. ; )

Ryan

mirnian wrote 1087 days ago

Hi Katherine,

Thanks for the head's up. It's an interesting beginning, and with some work it could be pretty good. I'm hardly an expert, but I do have a few thoughts. There wasn't enough explanation of what is going on. I had to go back and reread sections to understand who was what and what all the fuss was about. And unfortunately, I didn't feel any sense of loss when Hinn killed himself. This would be a very effective first chapter if I were shocked by his death, but I didn't really care.
There were also some grammatical and spelling mistakes (see below), which I only noticed because I'm an English teacher.

"just how bad they had grown over the centuries" - saying they're bad doesn't make me think they're bad. You should give a more vivid example. SHOW how their bad.
"alter" - it's "altar" actually
"their mind's too mechanic" this is a common mistake, but plurals never have apostrophes. It should be "their minds too mechanical" (mechanic is a noun, not an adjective).
Anyway, I hope some of my comments will prove helpful. Good luck on your continued writing! I enjoyed it!

Nick Kotar
Raven Son

andrew DOYLE wrote 1087 days ago

Please visit the www,orbisavalon.com you may be very interested as to how The Lost Monks of Avalon
is portrayed....this is the world I live in......you should also visit Kindle ebook The Silent Apostle...I could guide you through to ebook for your script if you wish...just let me know..

Andrew David Doyle

Stark Silvercoin wrote 1087 days ago

The Antitype is a sweeping sci-fi epic that attempts to tackle some pretty large issues. Normally I tend to read sci-fi that is more based on a single character, you know, space pirate goes good or combat marine goes bad. The Antitype deals with issues of religion, creation, the balance of the spiritual and physical world, you know big picture stuff.

Author Katherine Salavarria has created quite an intriguing world. The descriptions are very detailed. The author has done a good job of defining the world for the reader, something that is absolutely necessary in such a complex tome such as this. Reading the book made me ask a lot of questions about the real world, as does all good sci-fi, which is never just about the plot that is set forth.

Although I very much enjoyed the book, I think the best part of it comes in the latter half of the work. When you get up to about chapter 20 through 25, you start to get some real action going and main characters become apparent. The 40s really fly. I would almost suggest throwing readers into some of that action right at the start, to provide a hook. Explaining the world and background is necessary, but if you try to do too much of it before readers realize that investing their time in your series is worth it, you will probably lose people. Even if you have to show something from the future and then warp back to the present, as the hero wonders how they got into this mess, it’s better than throwing a bunch of background at them too early.

I am backing The Antitype because this is a very ambitious project and author Katherine Salavarria handles it very well. We need more epic sci-fi and with a few minor tweaks here and there, this could be one of the greats.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Intriguing Trails wrote 1090 days ago

The Antitype
Fiction, Fantasy, 3rd multiple,

Pitch: Good and interesting. It raises questions that beg answers.

Premise, A battle between the gods and a search for a lost vessle to restore order ... Interesting.

Characters: The descriptions of the physical beings are quite good. However, there is no clear MC.

Setting: The author is very good with descriptions, yet the settings are very vague and unsubstancial. Not sure if this is happening in a spaceship or on a planet or if it's just a dreamworld with all the characters in empty space.

Pacing: Through Ch 2, I found the pacing to be clunky. There is a lot of information and back-story intertwined with present action. The pace picks up late in Ch 1, only to drag again in Ch 2. IMO, the MS would benefit from starting with the Ice God taking the vessel and moving forward from that point. Use ACTION=REACTION to engage the reader and keep things flowing a little more smoothly. Jumping back and forth is quite confusing to the readers who don't know anything about anything.

Hooks: the hooks at the end of the Chs are inviting and pretty strong.

Mechanics: Excellent. I didn't notice any issues at all with punctuation or proper sentence structure.

Suggestions: Revision ... As it reads now, it is just too confusing to figure out what is going on. The plot needs to be clearly drafted. Try writing a synopsis of this book, describing in 2 sentences what happens in each Chapter. Then ask yourself if this story line is dramatic and if the Chapters drive the plot forward. Then revise the chapters to keep the plot strong. Use ACTION=REACTION=ACTION=REACTION to keep the reader engaged. Remember that the PLOT, crisp and clean and compelling is what the story is about. Long descriptions of character's attributes can be detracting and only come across as telling, not showing. Read "Dust in the Wind" to get a clear picture of how to SHOW and how to drive a plot. It is one of the best books on this site, IMO.

I think that the author displays a lot of talent and the visual aspects are very good, when employed. The mechanics are very strong and that is so important! Good work!

Holding on WL until a space opens on my shelf. I'll be happy to review again if a revised edition is posted at a later date.
Raechel
Echo

M. A. McRae. wrote 1090 days ago

You writing is good, and you have made a complex and colourful world. My only criticism is that it is a little too hard to follow to start with. (I read 3 chapters and dipped into a few more.) Just one person's opinion, but I wonder if it would be better to try and stick more to one main character to begin with. In that way, it is easier to begin to understand the new world we have been introduced to. As it is, there is the antitype in the 1st chapter, whom we begin to follow, but then he's dead, and then there's a girl with colours on her skin, and then there's a ceremony. I know I could re-read and continue reading, and things would become clear, but to get your average reader involved from the start, it's better not to have them scratching heads.
Summary: You have a very promising story, and your writing is good, but I think the organisation of your story could be improved. Just one person's opinion, and you pay as much or as little attention to it as you see fit.
Well done and to be backed, Marj.

Penny Leigh wrote 1091 days ago

Hmm, THE ANTITYPE--

Genre-Science Fiction, Fantasy, 3rd person

Pace-Kind of slow at the beginning

Plot-Intriguing, the details are well done

Mechanics-nothing too bad

Over all-Thought the story was interesting, there's promise in it and the writer knows what to say to get the reader into her world. Rated. :)

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Weaver Reads wrote 1091 days ago

You're on my watchlist! :)

Anjari the Shaman wrote 1092 days ago

Hey this was an awesome read. i only usually read about 3 chapters as i live a busy life and atually dont get alot of time at the moment. but pat yourself on the back, its awesome

Juliusb wrote 1093 days ago

Hello Katherine,

Your book is an intriguing piece, given that it peeps into the God's unknowns of scriptural realms from the physical world. I will find time to peruse through it. Do likewise, please, with my "Destined To Triumph" and back it if you find it deserving so.

Be blessed per now, wishing you a joyful Easter. He is risen. He reigns. He is better placed to inquire from Him where your scarlet is sent.

Love,

Julius Babyetsiza

Fred Le Grand wrote 1093 days ago

Hi,
Further to your forum request….
The story is very good and by and large your writing is also very good – readable and fluent. A few little comments because you can tighten your writing considerably by using less –ly adverbs and less words generally:
The word ‘constantly’. You use it twice in the first para and it adds nothing to either sentence. Remove it from both and the para reads much better.
‘His aura which had once been burning with flames the color of suns’ could be: ‘His aura, once aflame with the color of suns…’ 9 words as opposed to 13.
‘The sentence ‘The ceremony of a god taking an already taken…’ seems clumsy. You may wish to re-word it.
‘The tense silence was suddenly broken by the hoarse whisper of Hinn’ Could be: ‘Hinn’s hoarse whisper cracked the silence like a..’ You can fill in the simile yourself 
Just a few suggestions from a fellow amateur writer.
Best of luck with this thrilling story.

Cariad wrote 1093 days ago

On my watchlist, will read tomorrow. Bedtime now. :)
Cariad.

NMott wrote 1093 days ago

Hi, I see in the pitch that this is complete at ~48K words. As this is Adult SF/Fantasy, it would need to be +80K words to be seriously considered by an agent or publisher. Maybe amalgamate the planned trilogy into one book.
Also, when it comes to dealing with gods 19 years is a mere blink of the eye, so maybe consider making it 19 thousand years instead.
All the best with the book,
NaomiM

GriffinsMustFly wrote 1094 days ago

You have a great first chapter! You step right into the action, which is great, and you start instantly describing the situation and what's going on without bothering to tell too much backstory.

Parisael wrote 1095 days ago

I think the story so far is really cool - has a star wars kind of theme, you know? I like the way you write your sentences, and sort of pack the information in without overwhelming the reader. I'll look forward to reading the whole story and seeing how it turns out! Definitely a 6 star rating so far!

Emily Rebecca wrote 1097 days ago

Katherine,
Just had a chance to read some of this and I like what I've read. You have a very interesting story idea and I want to see how it all plays out. The only thing I would tell you to look out for at this point is making it sound too much like Star Wars. It was one of the first things that came to mind when you start talking about the Knights and Masters. Otherwise, very nice.
Best of luck!
Em

Emily Rebecca wrote 1097 days ago

Katherine,
Just had a chance to read some of this and I like what I've read. You have a very interesting story idea and I want to see how it all plays out. The only thing I would tell you to look out for at this point is making it sound too much like Star Wars. It was one of the first things that came to mind when you start talking about the Knights and Masters. Otherwise, very nice.
Best of luck!
Em

Jannypeacock wrote 1097 days ago

Hi Katerine.
I don’t read fantasy often but I’ve learned since I came to Authonomy to broaden my taste and in the case of the Antitype it’s been an enjoyable find.
Your descriptive capabilities are very impressive. Very detailed bit certainly not written with a heavy hand. The opening paragraph is very good indeed and literally throws the reader into the crowd.
Hinn’s a great name, very original and fits in well with your YA audience.
Once little type, half way through first paragraph. ‘god’ Should have a capital (I think).
I was very impressed with this. I think a little editing and you could have a real gem on your hands. In fact I’m a little jealous of your talent (in a good way). I wish I could have written with your skill when I was still in college.
Keep up the great work.
Janny.

Akemitsu Honda wrote 1097 days ago

I searched for fantasy stories and I stumbled on 'The Antitype'. What I like about your story is how you manage to give life to your characters (especially the 'Antitype') and make us feel bad about what's happening to them. Didn't read it all yet, because I'm writing my fantasy story too (yea there's an 'Order' in it too, hence the good opinion haha :P)...

However I'd like to encourage you to keep on writing and I hope this is becoming more popular (on my book shelf already). Thanks for the nice read up this far!!!

A.k.h

SusieGulick wrote 1098 days ago

Dear Katherine, Thanks so much for letting me read more of your story. :) In ch.26, I love Hayden's sensitivity to Lim :) - it made me smile ear to ear. :) Well, it seems that there is still more to come, so how many chapters is there in your story? :) It is so action-packed & exciting. :) Love, Susie :)
typo in ch.26, 11 paragraphs up from the bottom: "you're" should be "your power is growing"

lizjrnm wrote 1098 days ago

Unique and full of imagination. Shelved with pleasure. Starred too for talented writing!

Liz
The Cheech Room

SusieGulick wrote 1099 days ago

Dear Katherine, I love the intrigue a small band of members of the Scarlet Order, sent to find the missing vessel, the "Antitype," as your pitch portrays. :) I was totally surprised at the ending of your prologue, after, "a tear traced its way down his cheek" & "the leather belt" incident when Hinn went "to see the queen of the United Planets" - it reminded me of when Samson prayed when his hair started to grow back & God answered his prayer & I could hardly wait to see what would happen next. :) Starting chapter 1 with a dream was very touching. :) As I read through your story, I was disappointed to not see the last chapter because I always like to see what happened at the end, but according to your pitch, there seems to be hope. :) Love, Susie :)

ChrisMcKenna wrote 1099 days ago

Seems like you have the makings of a good story here. The world in which you are setting it seems well developed and in some ways unique.

Couple of things you might want to think about:

I wasn't too sure about some of the details of the world setting. You mention the solider has guns and are in coloured uniforms, so my first thought was Napolionic times. Yet later there is talk of Galaxies, making me think we are in a future time. Maybe you need something more in the setup.

The writing is is very good and I like some of your descriptions. However, be careful with word repeating the same words too often. I think at one point you have "speeder" used one one after the other.

Last thing you might want to think of is that maybe you are trying to tell us too much too soon? In some parts, while it's good to have depth to the story, maybe you are trying to push to much forward rather than letting people pick up on it indirectly. Do you even need the first bit?


Paul T. Hughes wrote 1100 days ago

Enjoying the first couple of chapters so far. One thing that I woudl comment on is that with fantasy it is sometimes difficult to follow all of the new threads that are being introduced to you at the same time. Perhaps I'm reading too late at night but at times I would have liked a little more explanation or character and situation. I know that this is a difficult balance if you are trying to maintain a little mystery and intrigue at the same time.
Anyway, I'll still keep reading and rate it after another few chapters.
Paul

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