Book Jacket

 

rank 463
word count 124400
date submitted 19.04.2011
date updated 26.10.2012
genres: Thriller, Fantasy, Horror
classification: moderate
complete

Order and Chaos

Jenna Lynn McMahon

"Two perfect little disasters waiting to unleash their miseries on the world in pursuit of the ideal Existence."

 

Anaxandra Tanner was born in the slums of Existence, orphaned at age eight she was forced to live on the streets with her older brother and infant sister relying only on the charity of strangers and luck to keep from starving, freezing, or being enslaved/imprisoned by the Legion. When the dark under belly of Existence finally claims her innocence she sets onto a dark path delivering her straight to the hands of Chaos.

Prince Kaspar was born under mysterious conditions in the Palace of the Pharaohs where he grew under the watchful eyes of his father Pharaoh Jovan and his beloved nanny Sonja. Kaspar spent his childhood aspiring to join the Legion, like his cousin Cyril and trying to become the most Orderly man he could be while failing miserably when his love of photography and science drag him from his holy path created by the God Order.

Narrated by Chaos the Goddess of War, Blasphemy, Hate, Love, Beauty and Art.

First draft finished and posted. Now in need of editing.

Constructive criticism welcomed.

Enjoy!

Started autumn of 2009

 
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tags

assasin, dark, demons, dystopia, female protagonist, forbidden love, horror, multiple personality, oppression, order and chaos, pharaoh, polytheism, r...

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21

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23) Silence is Golden

Tybalt left after the meal but not before, he offered to stay and keep Ana company. She assured him that would not be necessary because Ragnar was supposed to be guarding the house. Tybalt said goodbye and walked out the door. Not ten seconds after the door closed and the lock clicked into place, Ana and Ragnar relieved themselves of their polite masks; she stood there glaring at him praying to Order for the strength not to fight with her brother’s “friend”.

“Where are my papers and my gun?” she asked.

“After last night you honestly thought I wasn’t going to go through your bag? Order have mercy Ana! What have you been doing since you were ‘taken’ away?” he shouted. He had given Ana a cane to help her walk. She leaned against it, put a hand to her forehead, and laughed without humour. She and Order never did seem to be on the same page.

“Do you think I ran away?” she asked.

“At first I thought you couldn’t have but after I thought a little more about last night, what I found in your bag, what Dr. Nightingale reported, and your little performance I don’t know what to think. Maybe...” Ana swung the cane like a bat and struck him on the leg he had been supporting most of his weight on. He crumpled and fell to the floor, he tried to get up but she struck him across the back. Ragnar collapsed and she rolled him over with her foot and put the end of the cane to his neck.

“Don’t you dare accuse me of abandoning my family,” she said. Her voice was low like a growl.

“Then why do you want to leave again without even seeing them?” he asked.

“They don’t want to meet her. They don’t know it yet but we know they won’t want to know us,” she said with a small dark laugh.

“What are you talking about?” her use of nouns confused him.

“What did you find in my bag?” Ana asked ignoring his question.

He swallowed the cane still on his neck. It was a far cry from a knife or a gun but he did not know how far she would go. He had not considered the cane a weapon but now he figured she might have made weapons out of less.

    “Are you really going to do it,” he asked watching her face go from dark to alarmed to just sad. Her head drooped and her hair fell in front of her face so he could not see her expressions.

“I don’t know,” she answered truthfully. Nenavysta had made her do many awful things in the past but so far, none of it has made a grand impact on life, as the commonwealth knew it. This new plan may change everything.

“How can you not know? Are you going to banish the heir to the throne of Existence, Order’s representative on Earth, to exile in the water’s of Chaos like a condemned criminal or are you not?” Ragnar demanded feeling his temper boil.

“Shut up, hard as it may be for you to believe but committing murder is something that one does not undertake lightly.” She pressed the tip of the cane on his throat harder.

“Especially not Prince Kaspar’s?” Ragnar asked swallowing nervously.

“Hmm, yes especially not Prince Kaspar’s.”

There was a knock at the front door and Ana withdrew her cane pulling Ragnar back to his feet. “Tell no one,” she threatened.

“I won’t,” he said rubbing his throat.

Hello, Ragnar, Ms. Tanner, anyone in there?” Dr. Nightingale’s voice came through the door. Ragnar opened it.

“Have you begun shooting at each other again?” Dr. Nightingale asked coming in the front door.

“Oh hello. It is nice to finally speak to you,” Ana said limping away from the doorway and leaning against the kitchen counter.

“So what was your occupation before you came here?” asked Dr. Nightingale. Settling herself into an armchair in the living room.

“No beating around the bush with you,” Ana’s voice revealed she was exasperated with the questions.

“Well you bear more battle scars then a Legion Soldier.”

Ana’s lips twitched.

“Don’t drug me again,” Ana’s smile was bittersweet.

“Answer my question.”

“For my occupation I get involved with some nasty characters and I’ve learn how to handle myself.”

“Are you a prostitute? Career criminal? You’re a good liar.”

“Thank you. No I’m not a prostitute, closer to the latter.”

“How’d you get your burns?”

“I do respect you and your forwardness, it is a bold trait which I also find admirable but, Kimmy, don’t make us hate you. Let’s just leave it at she was a little reckless on the job one time.”

“Very well then. I have a feeling that you are one of those girls that goes through men like socks so if you would please not tease Tybalt I think we would all appreciate it. The man is too... trusting for his own good especially with regards to females and he buys your sweet and innocent act like candy.”

“Don’t worry Kimmy your brother seems like a good man he won’t pay for us,” Ana smiled. Kim Nightingale was not stupid she noticed Ana had been speaking in the first person plural or third person. It made her curious but she did not want to press. She was good at hiding it but Ana made her very nervous.

“Just don’t fool with him, he’s stupid when it comes to women,” Kim said.

“I doubt it,” Nenavysta sneered.

“Well you should get some rest.” Ragnar said rubbing his temples, hoping his interruption could be enough to stop them from getting into a catfight.

“Are you joking? I am not tired I just slept all day, which is your fault so you go to bed and have sweet dreams or terrible nightmares. I am staying up.” Ana made a B-line for the kitchen. Ana’s head was aching and because she could not tell whether that was because of Nenavysta or her interrogation, she wanted a drink. Nenavysta had a harder time taking control when Ana was drunk.

“Well then I’ll stay the night. I’m not tired yet either,” Kim and Ana began staring each other down.

We can take her, thought Nenavysta.

That is not the problem. We are injured we will just be limping away to hide in a hole and starve for another two weeks until we can travel and even then another three weeks before we are back to normal again. Ana argued.

“Trust me Kim I’m not going anywhere. Besides if, the Unther Cabal is as great as Tybalt makes it out to be. Hiding from you, people would be hard. I’m staying two weeks.”

You were supposed to get us out today! Nenavysta roared.

I said that when I waking up from horse tranquilizers you should have known better than to listen to me.

“Hello?”  Kim was snapping her fingers in front of Ana’s face.

“Yes?”

“Come on space case answer my question.”

“What was your question again?” Ana asked.

“Why did you just pour all the wine down the sink?” Kim asked her tone full of attitude. Ana looked down and saw two empty wine bottles and the sink running.

Ana cursed.

Chapters

21

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jlbwye wrote 377 days ago

Order and Chaos. Your pitches promise much, but you dont show any link between Anaxandra and Prince Kaspar? Maybethere is none...
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits, hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. A bustling beginning, rich in atmosphere, and already I'm identifying with those children, even though they are being forced into petty crime.
Do you want nits? Words repeated close together are best searched out and avoided: were out, caught.

It is unusual having the authorial first person intrude in a story. I find it appealing. It has the feel of a children's story in this chapter. (Oh - I've just realised who the narrator is!).

For some reason, I cannot access Ch.2.

Ch.3. Your pitches help me bridge the gap.
There are some unnecessary words which if searched and deleted, make a story flow better: already, eagerly, finally, exactly, just, almost, always (Ch.4) completely, began to.

And look out for repeated meanings: you dont need to say Kaspar was terrified, you say it well enough when a shiver is sent down his spine.

Ch.4. The narrator recounts Ana's abduction in a detached, matter-of-fact manner, and yet I am gasping with the girl, and can feel that black bag over her head. You've shown it well.

Ch.5. I like that intimation: 'Sage looked like the sort of girl that Devlin would watch as she passed by...' it speaks volumes. Oh, poor Ana.

I can see this is an epic story, which you have enjoyed telling. It is developing a flow of its own, and the narrator lends a sense of dread to the action.
Your grammar needs editing in places, and there is work to be done to refine your style, but we all have to edit and re-edit, and it's always worth it in the end.
I wish you the best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Walden Carrington wrote 703 days ago

Jenna,
Order and Chaos is an incredibly imaginative account. This has great appeal to readers of the fantasy genre. I enjoyed my visit to this extraordinary tale which sweeps the reader away to another world.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Lucia13 wrote 739 days ago

I've read all 49 chapters and would have kept going if it were uploaded. Please, feel free to send me the last chapters if you'd like, or message me if you post them. First of all, you have natural talent. You should see the utter crap I wrote at your age. If you decide to pursue creative writing in college, perhaps I can lend you some knowledge-- especially if you live in the United States. You are right-- you do have an original story. I normally don't read in this genre, but I honestly haven't come across anything like this. I love it. I was so absorbed into your characters and I swear, half of the time, my stomach was in knots with worry over what would happen to Ana. It was just a really cool story. I loved how the psychology is wrapped into everything.

There is such innocence to your story, really, if you could breathe life into a virtue, your story did it! One of my favorite lines was at the end of Chapter 4, "...but innocence is a virtue that she is useless with." Gosh, I had to go back and read it several times because it took my breath away. Ana is just so lovely and The Witch...frighteningly powerful. Like ying-yang in a person.

The whole order-chaos thing is phenomenal. I LOVED that Chaos was telling the story. It was so clever and his little asides as I was reading were delightful. Also, so witty was the idea of having the kingdom be named "Existence."

To me, this was almost like an inside-out fairy tale. It also has this steam punk flare to it, as all of the scenes I visualized in shades of brown and gray, except for the ones that Kaspar was in-- his scenes were green.

I loved the references to stars, and eye color. I'm all over the place with this review, really, I should sleep on it and collect my thoughts on it for a night, but I'm so glad I read it, I'm just bursting. And now, I'm left with them stuck on the island and I'm wondering how they'll get off.

I love your short pitch, but would like to see a snappier long pitch. If I was any good at them, I'd help.

I did find a few grammar corrections here and there, and I'll message them to you. It was all very minor things and nothing blaring, just the sort of things all writers do while they're typing. I'd also suggest having it proofed for commas, but, again, even some of the best writers on this site argue over comma placement, so, to me, it is subjective. Really, a lovely story that I was so glad to read. This is an easy full 6 stars.

CMTStibbe wrote 758 days ago

Order and Chaos by Jenna Lynn McMahon

A very intriguing Prologue about the Histories of Before, The monument of St. Kaspar, harsh movements and the possibilities of a boy and a girl meeting. I am definitely coming back to read a few chapters of this fascinating premise. In the meantime, I have starred it highly. The style of writing is crisp and fast paced and I am longing to find out what happens to these children.

Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Seringapatam wrote 41 days ago

Jenna, Other than the couple of comments below you have sold it to me. I think there is a lot here that will hook the reader and your use of your characters is great. Nice descriptions throughout and a great pace to the book. You are a good story teller. Although not my bag, I enjoyed what you have written. There is going to be a big calling for this genre I think. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

patio wrote 181 days ago

This a powerful piece.

A small criticism. In the opening chapter you used "wives" then "men". I would advise you use "WOMEN and MEN or WIVES and HUSBAND. That way everything flow

DesiS. wrote 211 days ago

Order and Chaos- Chapter one or (chapter 1,2,3)- Good start- vivid description make a believable world. What I struggled with is it is so dark and joyless it was difficult to read. This might be cause I look for something different, more adventure and romance, so when it was in the romance, thriller genres I thought it would be a good fit. Ana's recurrent victimization was difficult and then when she becomes violent cause of her psychiatric issues she turns into a character that I have a hard time feeling any sympathy for. I think this was more correctly promoted as horror. In addition, after she attacks Tybalt (a man who was nice to her) it seem that most of the characters, including his sister Kim are also unsympathetic in some way as to make him a villian in the story and later he is turned into a villian- when it is he who is initially victimized. Why would Kim take Ana to her brother's house after she almost killed him?" Once the characters learn this they seem to okay with a serial killer living with them. It is not until Chapt 34 that Kasper and Ana meet and this is the most interesting part of the story- I wish I could have seen more of them together. One thing that I did like- was that chaos who was narrating much of the story was an alter- I thought that was a clever bit of writing.


I know you said this was a rough draft- one thing to edit for is comma usage and run on sentences. These editorial issues were too numerous to make notes of. Some other editorial issues are as follows- "The wealthier classes of people viewed those like Ana and her Brother like Vermin and treat them like poorness is contagious. (something awkward with this sentence.) and "He was getting tired of her antics he went to school before his parents left and he missed his friends. (run on sentence?) Chapter one didn't have the feel of being narrated, you do get the first indication of an outside narrater in Chapter 2, and the since of it is very strong in chapter 3- but the narrator is not introduced- I would have no idea of who it is except for it being included in the long pitch. Chapter 3 is repeated twice. Chapter 14- as in some other chapters there are some run on sentences. Chapter 15- "...he didn't have the copasity (capacity?) to work about hr (her?) empty threat. Chapter 19- "You were really going to try and shot (shoot?) me?" Chapter 26 "For the people who gave her the drugs. (incomplete sentence?) Chapter 32- Ragnar couldn't help but compare her to a baby bird that some cat had caught and the (then?) Chapter 34- ...he said raising he (her?) hand to his lips for a police kiss..." Chapter 35- "If she flipped just to get us caught by the Legion in the palace the (then?) fuck her." Chapter 36- "...I would tel the just to spite you,..(something missing) Chapter 37- "...indifferent to the bad things the (that?) happen to his sister and the bad things she does." and "understand I that mean no harm when I say. Your Ana is dead. (use comma instead of period?) Chapter 39- "That is you (your?) half of the island and this is mine." Chapter 41- "...it (if?) anything it was a tent. Chapter 42- Is it "Botnay for Serial Killers" or "Botany for Serial Killers"? and "Benedict wanted o (to?) look at the plants..." and "Really I thought we were past all this distrust and the. (incomplete sentence) Chapter 45 "She pretended to e (be?) looking at the rocks..." and "...he had taken photographs f the trees,..." Chapter 47- "Dante's nut opened and blood stained the wife front of his shirt"- Did she really cut his nut or do you mean gut? That would make more sense if his shirt was bloody and not his pants. Chapter 50- "...they has cut us off from all tour (our?) basic necessities and now they are just waiting for us to snap!" Chapter 51- "...glared at Devlin trying to suppress his furry (fury?) as he was always told to do." and "...my family was dysfunctional with its power grabbing, history of insect (incest?)..." Chapter 52- "He knows they are friends but e (he?) can barely look at her anymore..." and "...he wasn't a pervert and he (was?) nice?" Chapter 54 "Look me n the eye and ..." Chapter 65 "H (He) blinked, taken off guard once again by her directness." Chapter 67 "Life was peaceful, like it never been before o (or?) ever would be." again." Chapter 69 -"Let me see you (your?) identification papers." and "...I shouted getting reading (ready?) to do my own damage..." and "Wow did I just here (hear?) Kim suggest she wanted to be a mom?" Chapter 71- "...right now with the fact that they now (know?) where I live..." and "We are trying to help or would you rather hope (hop?) on a train to the war zone..." Chapter 72- "He wanted the best from (for?) her and since the..." and "Have (you?) thought of any names if he's a girl?" and "...Cyril might rty and unveil the (that?) Kaspar wasn't even royal." and "...I can't sit by and listen to by (my?) wife smear a good woman's name..." Chapter 74 -"They're (Their?) rooms have been picked out..." and "...mentally balanced and yet he fell n (in?) love with me." Chapter 75- "It slid into the window causing he (the?) glass to crack."

Thank you for posting the entire story. I love it when the writers let us read the entire story. I hope this was helpful. Good luck to you. Desi.

jlbwye wrote 377 days ago

Order and Chaos. Your pitches promise much, but you dont show any link between Anaxandra and Prince Kaspar? Maybethere is none...
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits, hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. A bustling beginning, rich in atmosphere, and already I'm identifying with those children, even though they are being forced into petty crime.
Do you want nits? Words repeated close together are best searched out and avoided: were out, caught.

It is unusual having the authorial first person intrude in a story. I find it appealing. It has the feel of a children's story in this chapter. (Oh - I've just realised who the narrator is!).

For some reason, I cannot access Ch.2.

Ch.3. Your pitches help me bridge the gap.
There are some unnecessary words which if searched and deleted, make a story flow better: already, eagerly, finally, exactly, just, almost, always (Ch.4) completely, began to.

And look out for repeated meanings: you dont need to say Kaspar was terrified, you say it well enough when a shiver is sent down his spine.

Ch.4. The narrator recounts Ana's abduction in a detached, matter-of-fact manner, and yet I am gasping with the girl, and can feel that black bag over her head. You've shown it well.

Ch.5. I like that intimation: 'Sage looked like the sort of girl that Devlin would watch as she passed by...' it speaks volumes. Oh, poor Ana.

I can see this is an epic story, which you have enjoyed telling. It is developing a flow of its own, and the narrator lends a sense of dread to the action.
Your grammar needs editing in places, and there is work to be done to refine your style, but we all have to edit and re-edit, and it's always worth it in the end.
I wish you the best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Emma.L.H. wrote 410 days ago

Hello, Jenna. You have a good story here. Your characters are well thought out and the dialogue is believable. I noticed a few typos; take them as you will.

The boy, Devlin spotted the man... needs another comma after Devlin.

"Are you okay," the girl asked she ran to her brother trying not to jostle the toddler... This is a question and needs a question mark after the speech. It also needs either the word 'as' after 'asked' and a comma after 'brother' or a full stop after 'asked'.

All in all, a good first chapter. A little tweaking would make the story flow better and would make it more enjoyable to read. I've kept you on my WL so I can read more and have rated it highly. Well done.

Tarzan For Real wrote 446 days ago

So far so good with the story. Can't wait to continue on. Good and believable dialogue between the characters.

Some suggestions:

1) The story could have a little more detail with the children.
2) I know you are building the believability of the characters but bring a few more hooks to entice me to read on.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 497 days ago

ORDER AND CHAOS
This is a good story. You have a way of creating very believable and sympathetic characters. As well as an ability to add a great deal of detail in your story. Makes a reader want to follow this to see where it will lead. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

orma wrote 541 days ago

From the Women Only thread.
I liked this story and immediately empathised with the children and their plight.
I do tend to get emotionally involved with characters in a book , so I love it when I can relate to them in a story.
Your story is also very imaginitive. It wasn't a complicated read either, which is good.
It's one of those stories you can get lost in, sort of stepping into another reality.
There isn't much wrong, that I can see, with your work. You said it needed editing, but not that much.
If this is a first draft, it's brill.
I wish I had the time to read all the chapters, but my reading list is huge!
Had to drag my eyes away!
Anyway this is a very good MS and I wish you good luck with it.

ozhm wrote 576 days ago

Highly original and imaginative with clear and interesting characters. I'm also impressed by the way you've woven the details of their world into the narrative in such a way that we become familiar with it without chunks of exposition. I've enjoyed what I've read so far.

At the moment, I get the feeling that you've rushed to get it all down without worrying too much about sentence construction etc - and good for you! But it might be worth your while, now, to look at it carefully with those things in mind. Some of your sentences are very long - lots of 'ands' - and in some places you've mixed tenses within a sentence. Best of luck with it.

Bea Sinclair wrote 646 days ago

Not my usual genre of choice but I thoroughly enjoyed this. Backed and high starred.
Good luck Bea

Su Dan wrote 646 days ago

easy to read, narrative helps your book...interesting story...a touch of editing, but not much...
l have backed...
read SEASONS...

Brian Bandell wrote 651 days ago

You did a nice job creating a fantasy world and coming up with characters. Your writing is clean and descriptive, although I'm not crazy about the first-person narrator. There's a lot to like here. The issue is the few few pages.

The prologue is a bit hard to follow. A lot of things you are eluding to there aren’t clear. I prefer chapter one as the starting point.

I like Ana and Devlin. Despite the stealing, I understand that they are desperate and just trying to survive. This is a good opening.

The Tanners chapter with Guineviva had a lot of excitement and drama.

This is good work. I like the world you created, it's just that the introduction to the way it works is a little rough and confusing. Try to smooth it out. I'll back this.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Lucia13 wrote 655 days ago

I've finally returned to read the latest chapters you've posted. Even after all of this time, I was swept back into your story. I still love the characters and holy crap! Ana's pregnant! I have to find out what happens. This is still an awesome story-- very unique. You have a lot of elements I've not encountered in books before. Lots of luck with this!

CarolinaAl wrote 670 days ago

I read your prologue and first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. An interesting main character. Good descriptions. Excellent world building. Good tension. Good pacing. The narrative mixes present and past tense. It's best to stay in one tense.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) ' ... simply because it is I, Chaos who will tell you the truth.' Comma after 'Chaos.'
2) ' ... declared the following people Impure and to be executed on site: ... ' 'Site' should be 'sight.'
3) 'Two perfect little disaster waiting to unleash their miseries on the world ... ' 'Disaster' should be 'disasters.'

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) " ... you'll see when mom comes back we'll ... " Capitalize 'mom.' When a kinship term is used as a name it becomes a proper noun and, as such, is capitalized.
2) "If she isn't dead than she's working her fingers to the bone as a slave." 'Than' should be 'then.'
3) "I'm sorry Ana." Comma after 'sorry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Same thing with "Happy birthday big brother." Comma after 'birthday.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al

KGleeson wrote 685 days ago

You have a very strong prologue that rings out like an opening of a Greek tragedy or a Shakespeare play. It commands attention and sets up the novel for something very dynamic. In the first chapter you might consider setting the first paragraph into the prologue since it has the same voice as the prologue. The rest of the first chapter you have in Ana's point of view so that gives the story a tighter focus, more personal which is a different voice from the prologue (except for the one place where you say "I guess" when she's stealing the food which you might want to consider deleting).

This is an interesting premise and the story has a strong opening. I will try and get back to read more. Kristin

AlexzandraGoode wrote 695 days ago

Hi Jenna,

Yours was the first thread pitch I picked up to read on and I've finally managed to get through about half of it. Firstly, I have to be honest and let you know that this kind of fantasy really stumps me, because I'm just too much in the realistic world to imagine most of what's laid out for me on the page. I can see how vivid your description is, and I commend you on the detail you've put into creating this family. The twist in the first chapter with Ana stealing really made me sit up and take notice, and it was the perfect amount of excitement to pull the reader in. I'm not a massive fan of 'My tale begins,' but that's probably just me! Your descriptive writing certainly matches your genre, and I was instantly able to picture Ana. I don't feel like I'm fully understanding the story, but I enjoyed what I read! This is definitely one for people with more scope for imagination than me - I tend to write about relationships ;) Star rated though because you deserve it!

Alex
F.M.F.
P.S. You might agree with me on this thread, seeing as you have a prologue!
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/77701/a-prologue-title-for-our-books-/

Walden Carrington wrote 703 days ago

Jenna,
Order and Chaos is an incredibly imaginative account. This has great appeal to readers of the fantasy genre. I enjoyed my visit to this extraordinary tale which sweeps the reader away to another world.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

stephen racket wrote 717 days ago

Fantasy isn't really my genre but I think this is original, imaginative, and deserves a place on my WL. I like the prologue and think you set the scene extremely well. Starred generously and on my WL for further reading. Good luck with this.

kenny hill wrote 720 days ago

An interesting beginning. Interesting, because of the peculiar style you've adopted. The prologue, written in a vaulting, semi-biblical tone, bends strongly to the narrators voice. Spoken in quasi- journalistic syntax, it sounds like a judgement being pronounced. Perhaps that was the plan. After all, the opener is highly portentious, and Chaos, presumably, isn't to be treated lightly. But for me, it sounded a little stiff. A little stilted. I might expect to read such writing in the decision of a court case. But here, in the land of Fantasy, despite the darkness, there has to be a willingness to understand the reader.

Some further editing, perhaps ?

celticwriter wrote 722 days ago

Hi Jenna, simply rebacking your very interesting journey.
blessings,
jim

monicque wrote 725 days ago

Yikes! I was scared to read after the first sentence!! But I did read on.
Well done. I liked the short chapters. I read the first three, because I don't have time for much more at the moment.
Thank you for messaging me, and asking me to read your work. Thanks for sharing. :)
I have rated and backed your work.
Monicque.

M. A. McRae. wrote 725 days ago

You have an extremely good story here, related by Chaos, who is the enemy of Order in the place of Existence. The children quickly come to life in our minds, and we care about what happens.
Those are the good things. Here is what I think you need to work on, and note that each opinion you get is only that - one person's opinion.
First, choose a tense - past tense is best because it is easiest to do, and easiest to follow. Then stick to it without exception. Wandering tenses are a real flaw in a piece of writing.
Second, you need to tighten up on the organisation of the story. eg, in Ch 2, you speak about the children's circumstances, missing mother etc, and then repeat it in the next chapter. At 101,000 words and incomplete, it will only help the story if you chop out repetition. So many say that a first novel should not be too long.
Third, I was impressed with the first chapter, as I saw no errors, but quite a lot of errors creep in from the second chapter on. eg. Ch 3, 'shall' for 'shawl' and 'retched' for 'reached.' You need to do a lot of editing.
But again, remember what I said at the very beginning. This story has tremendous promise.
To be backed just as soon as I have a space free. Marj.

Always bright wrote 732 days ago

Different way to start a book but must say cought my interest. I'm on the site to find good books and back my mother. So far am impressed. Have rated and WL for further reading.
Always J

Lucia13 wrote 739 days ago

I've read all 49 chapters and would have kept going if it were uploaded. Please, feel free to send me the last chapters if you'd like, or message me if you post them. First of all, you have natural talent. You should see the utter crap I wrote at your age. If you decide to pursue creative writing in college, perhaps I can lend you some knowledge-- especially if you live in the United States. You are right-- you do have an original story. I normally don't read in this genre, but I honestly haven't come across anything like this. I love it. I was so absorbed into your characters and I swear, half of the time, my stomach was in knots with worry over what would happen to Ana. It was just a really cool story. I loved how the psychology is wrapped into everything.

There is such innocence to your story, really, if you could breathe life into a virtue, your story did it! One of my favorite lines was at the end of Chapter 4, "...but innocence is a virtue that she is useless with." Gosh, I had to go back and read it several times because it took my breath away. Ana is just so lovely and The Witch...frighteningly powerful. Like ying-yang in a person.

The whole order-chaos thing is phenomenal. I LOVED that Chaos was telling the story. It was so clever and his little asides as I was reading were delightful. Also, so witty was the idea of having the kingdom be named "Existence."

To me, this was almost like an inside-out fairy tale. It also has this steam punk flare to it, as all of the scenes I visualized in shades of brown and gray, except for the ones that Kaspar was in-- his scenes were green.

I loved the references to stars, and eye color. I'm all over the place with this review, really, I should sleep on it and collect my thoughts on it for a night, but I'm so glad I read it, I'm just bursting. And now, I'm left with them stuck on the island and I'm wondering how they'll get off.

I love your short pitch, but would like to see a snappier long pitch. If I was any good at them, I'd help.

I did find a few grammar corrections here and there, and I'll message them to you. It was all very minor things and nothing blaring, just the sort of things all writers do while they're typing. I'd also suggest having it proofed for commas, but, again, even some of the best writers on this site argue over comma placement, so, to me, it is subjective. Really, a lovely story that I was so glad to read. This is an easy full 6 stars.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 746 days ago

Jenna,
What a way to start a book with Chaos himself playing anchorman, giving away the backstory with the irrefutable authority he wields. Your descriptive prose in "Order and Chaos" proceeds in a stately manner carrying your reader on a journey fraught with twists and surprises. Anaxandra and Prince provide an interesting dyanmic to the story that completely won me over to their cause.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

briantodd wrote 747 days ago

Energetic and imaginative tale which is bubbling with ideas and interest. My own view is that your decision to have the God, Chaos as the tales narrator weakens the structure. Why would a God be interested in these human characters? Why not keep the narrator hidden from the reader ? A lot of your work is directly inspired by the mythology of Ancient Greece. 'Greek Myths' by Robert Graves might provide further inspiration for you.

Stephanie L. Prater wrote 754 days ago

I like the narrative voice and you clearly have a fabulous imagination. The idea of having Chaos herself tell the story was very intriguing and one of the reasons I'm backing this! You've got an interesting concept all together. My only concern was that it's narration heavy. I'd consider balancing it out with more engaging action and dialogue, especially since it's Ya. What do you think?

P.S. Just throwing this out there, but when my manuscript was reviewed by Harper Collins after it won a contest on another website, Harper Collins said in the review that YA works over 100,000 words are a concern. It effects the pace. You tend to write more lesiurely (or I do) and the length is felt more by younger readers... Just something to think about.

tricia_d wrote 755 days ago

First off, you’ve got a great story here and I like your unique way of telling it. Please don’t let my nitpicky comments detract from this- I only want to point out certain elements you may want to look at to make your story even better. As we both know, it’s hard to proofread your own work- readers tend to find problems in my story I’ve overlooked even after reading it a million times.

Prologue: You might receive some criticism from others on the site about the sins of “telling vs. showing.” I happen to like the setup here- it’s like sitting in front of a fire and listening to a good storyteller. You’ve painted a world riddled with danger and intrigue, so this makes me want to read more.

Chapter One: You do a great job explaining the world you’ve built, but you could probably get away with weaving these elements into the story as you go. Your dialogue and descriptions are wonderful throughout the whole document. I found a couple minor grammatical issues, but everyone has these. For instance, in paragraph 7, their should be they’re. In para 8, “Mom isn’t coming back yet get it…” (split it into two sentences.) And: "Ana watch..." should be "Ana watched...".
My favorite character so far is Ana. You’ve done a good job turning her into a sympathetic character. I feel sorry for her and can feel her hunger as my own. Great tension as she contemplates stealing food, but your mention of Noralie’s blindness kind of pulls me from the story- this is another place where you might want to weave this fact into the story in a different way. You’ve already established yourself as the narrator, so it’s OK to step back and let the story unfold.

Chapter Two: I like Gueneviva. I found a little intermixing between the use of past and present tense, but for the most part, this chapter flows well.

Chapter Three: Your description of Kaspar leads me to believe he will be a pivotal character in this story. I LOVE the line “…lacking the sight to recognize it and the spark to ignite it.” Beautiful descriptions in this chapter.

Overall, I like your style of writing and I think you bring a unique voice to the story. I’m anxious to see how you tie all these compelling characters together, so I will continue to read and comment as I go. For now, I can say, "well done." This is quite impressive so far.

Karin O wrote 756 days ago

Hey Jenna! Nice hat by the way! I've really been enjoying this so far! I can't wait to find out the ending! :D I really love Chaos' point of view too. Very well written!
-Karin O

CMTStibbe wrote 758 days ago

Order and Chaos by Jenna Lynn McMahon

A very intriguing Prologue about the Histories of Before, The monument of St. Kaspar, harsh movements and the possibilities of a boy and a girl meeting. I am definitely coming back to read a few chapters of this fascinating premise. In the meantime, I have starred it highly. The style of writing is crisp and fast paced and I am longing to find out what happens to these children.

Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

celticwriter wrote 761 days ago

Hi Jenna, how could anyone NOT want to read the work of a woman unafraid to wear a Wicked hat? :-) Looking forward to reading your work. On Watchlist for now.

sincerely,
jim

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