Book Jacket

 

rank 487
word count 106870
date submitted 19.04.2011
date updated 19.06.2013
genres: Thriller, Fantasy
classification: moderate
incomplete

Order and Chaos

Jenna Lynn McMahon

"Two perfect little disasters waiting to unleash their miseries on the world in pursuit of the ideal Existence."

 

Anaxandra Tanner was born in the slums of Existence, orphaned at age eight she was forced to live on the streets with her older brother and infant sister relying only on the charity of strangers and luck to keep from starving, freezing, or being enslaved/imprisoned by the Legion. When the dark under belly of Existence finally claims her innocence she sets onto a dark path delivering her straight to the hands of Chaos.

Prince Kaspar was born under mysterious conditions in the Palace of the Pharaohs where he grew under the watchful eyes of his father Pharaoh Jovan and his beloved nanny Sonja. Kaspar spent his childhood aspiring to join the Legion, like his cousin Cyril and trying to become the most Orderly man he could be while failing miserably when his love of photography and science drag him from his holy path created by the God Order.

Serious Editing/Rewrite Underway right now.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

assasin, dark, demons, dystopia, female protagonist, forbidden love, horror, multiple personality, oppression, order and chaos, pharaoh, polytheism, r...

on 8 watchlists

31 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

16

report abuse

28) Order's Enemy

Perhaps all people who live in poverty also live in invisibility. Ana lived in relative poverty and yet even she did not notice her. It was only when the old woman across the road said her name that Ana looked up. She was clearly in the grips of a grand fit trying to stop people walking by her on the street so she could say what she had to say to them. No one would even pause. She wore a skirt of an appropriate length according to the Orderic Laws of Female Decency but it had holes in it, probably because it was ancient. It was likely once a hoop skirt but it looked like a rag now. She had a makeshift shawl thrown over her shoulders which she clutched closer as if it could provide any resistance to the cold. Her boots were old and made from cheap leather, they were probably full of water from that puddle she keeps sloshing through, back and forth back and forth…

    Nenavysta would have just left the poor creature to her misery and ravings, no use in getting involved in a lost cause but Ana wouldn’t stop watching her.

    You’re going to get in trouble, Nenavysta said to Ana. Trying to draw her attention back to the pastry we’d been eating. She picked it up in her hand and stood leaving the patio of the bakery. Nenavysta sighed internally. We don’t have time for your bleeding heart. This is a bad idea.

    The old woman spotted us and scurried over. She looked like a crab all skin and bones and pointy elbows draped in moth-eaten fabric. Poor thing.

    “She strikes! She strikes closer to home than ever before!”

    “Ma’am you need to calm down,” Ana said in a soothing voice.

    “No, they won’t warn us, they are trying to cover it up! The Witch is near!” she hissed clutching our arm as if to keep us from walking away and ignoring her.

    “Take this,” Ana said putting a coin and the remainder of the pastry in the old woman’s hand. “If you don’t calm down now those soldiers will come over here and remove you.”

    Ana cocked her head in the direction of two men in official Legion uniforms standing on the street corner looking in their general direction.

    “They are trying to cover it up! The Witch is here, in Unther! Nenavysta Hradi, the demon, the monster…”

    The evil whore, the murderess, the blah, blah, blah, Ana sweetie we’ve heard this all before now walk away from her. You can’t help a crazy woman, she warned Ana.

    “I know why she steals the eyes! She doesn’t want to watch as Death takes them! She doesn’t want the gods to see her disgrace, she fears Order’s judgment! It’s the men today, but a Witch has no pity in her heart. Soon it will be the likes of us as well, then the children! Be careful. A young pretty thing like you…” the old woman’s voice trailed off as she focused on our eyes. She frowned and her grip tightened. Ana placed a hand over hers and leaned forward.

    She spoke quickly in a harsh tone trying to force the woman to understand her own warning.

    “Ma’am stop shouting, you need to calm yourself, those soldiers are watching us. You are creating a public disturbance they will come over here and drag you off screaming and shouting into one of the alleys and beat your skull in without a second thought. You are old, you are female, and you are raving mad. No one will stop them from killing you and they will if you don’t shut up.”

    “Green eyes…” the woman said touching our cheek. “My late husband said that the Witch had green eyes.”

    Nenavysta pushed Ana out of body and pulled their hands away from the old hag. She pulled a small silver blade from a hidden pocket in her coat and thrust it into the folds of the woman’s shawl. She gasped and fell into Nenavysta’s arms. Excitement trickled inside her and she stabbed the hag again. Ana was screaming inside their shared mind. Nenavysta looked around no one was looking but the crone was bound to start screaming. She twisted the knife and pulled it out, hiding it up her sleeve. The woman stood there shaking as if in shock and Nenavysta strode away.

    “DEMON! WITCH! HATRED’S DAUGHTER! ANARCHIST WHORE!” The woman’s screams could be heard down the street but we’d already disappeared into the crowd and no one would ever hear the old woman’s accusing words for what she meant them to be. The soldiers on the street corner strode past us, they wore the tell-tale scarf around their arms, indicating they too followed the Blood Plague Campaign Nenavysta started six years ago. She saw one draw a club from his belt. She turned at the end of the street, leaning against the wall of a building and watched as the two men seized the old banshee and dragged her off. Nenavysta listened to her shrieks in the distance until they died.

    “It’s a shame when they go like that,” muttered a shopkeeper.

    “Yes, it’s a real shame,” she said smiling to herself as she turned the bloody knife over, and over in their hands. She turned and continued walking down the street.

Perhaps Ana’s altruism wasn’t such a waste of time after all. Too bad we couldn’t finish with the hag…

***

Ana opened Guineviva’s door trying not to make any noise and peered inside. The house was quiet and dark. The blinds were closed to keep out suspicious glances. She took off her coat and hung it on the coat hanger. She walked into the living area and stopped when she saw Guineviva lying on the couch. She was breathing slowly, sleeping. Ana picked up a blanket from the floor and laid it on top of Guineviva’s sleeping form. She’s been up all night and worked all day selling her wares to those with the money to pay and serving bread and soup to those who didn’t.

You’re not giving me the silent treatment are you? Nenavysta asked Ana.

“Noralie, I’m home,” she said when she passed by the stairs, she didn’t say it very loudly so as not to wake up Guineviva. Noralie has excellent hearing, her body’s way of compensating for her blindness I suppose.

She walked into the kitchen and picked up a filthy dish and decided to begin the washing, clearly Noralie and Guineviva were exhausted. Ana took off her gloves and flexed her fingers, the bandage on her left arm was too close to her hand so she simply used her left to move the dishes, trying her best not to get it wet. She turned on the water and watched the sink fill. Ana stirred the water with the fingers of her right hand.

Was it hot?

Was it cold?

She couldn’t be expected to know the difference, not with her fingers. She touched her cheek with the wet fingers and determined it was cold water; Guineviva must have stopped paying for heating at some point. Ana observed the burns on her hands and sighed. It used to aggravate her to no end the lack of feeling, the loss of touch. Then standing in front of the sink in her current circumstances it seemed ironic, or perhaps poetic…

She’s done a good job of forgetting and moving on though. I can’t change the past and neither can she, they don’t feel anything in their hands, the nerves and skin were too damaged from the fire.

Do you ever think about the families of your victims? Ana asked after a few minutes of silently washing dishes, she was still thinking about the woman.

No.

Did you kill the old woman’s husband?

You can’t expect me to know that.

That doesn’t answer my question, she said gripping the dish cloth tightly.

If he saw us and lived then no probably not, Nenavysta answered giving Ana a “friendly” reminder of who she was. She gasped and looked at the mental images Nenavysta pushed into her mind.

The blood, the screaming, the fire, the silence…

Please stop. She withdrew and the mental bombardment ceased. Ana got the point.

Don’t act so holy, you never think about the families either. At the very least you don’t care about the victims. Didn’t those boots you’re wearing belong to a noble from the North? You paid for your boat ticket back into Rest Shade with money you took off a corpse? Then the train ticket to Unther? Or did I imagine all those parts? I don’t have a care for money or items, I’m an entity.

It’s not the same, Nenavysta could hear the pleading in her voice. She didn’t just want to be different from me, she needed to be. She thought about the dead priest, the one that called the Legion to remove her father, about the cut on her wrist.

She needed to be different from Nenavysta. She couldn’t benefit from other people’s suffering. She needed her guilt. She needed to be the sympathetic one. Not that that takes very much effort. Nenavysta couldn’t care less.

She heard a door open and shut in the other room. Ana put down the dishcloth and walked over to the kitchen door as quietly as she could manage. She looked into the main room and saw the serving counter, the living area, the window, and the wooden floors.

“Guineviva is sleeping, we should be quiet,” the voice was male and very familiar. Ana jumped from the doorway and went straight for the pantry, she ducked behind it and curled up.

If you want them to stop treating you like a criminal, stop acting like you have something to hide, Nenavysta advised her.

No one knows about you yet, I want to keep it that way, Ana said clenching her teeth.

Very well, they’ll just go on believing you are the sadomasochist that hurt Tybalt and manipulated Ragnar it makes no difference to me, Nenavysta taunted.

“Where is Anaxandra?” asked Devlin.

“Who knows, she may have left town already, she might be upstairs sleeping, or she could be out…”

“I get the idea, Ragnar,” Devlin snapped. She heard the kitchen door creak and there were footsteps in the kitchen. Someone was opening and going through the cupboards.

“Do you know what Tybalt has been saying?”

“No, what has he been saying?” Devlin sounded tired, frustrated and angry.

“I overheard him saying to Kim that the Unther Cabal should put Ana on trial, like a proper criminal.”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! The Cabal only exists so that its members are safe from prosecution and we can have safety. Putting Ana on trial and punishing her would send the wrong message,” Devlin said.

Ana flinched at his words, they were too cold, too analytical.

“She’s your sister, Devlin. You need to stand up for her because if the other night is any indication Ana won’t stand up for herself.”

“She tried to commit suicide, Ragnar. Ana has clearly given up on herself, so why should I care; all that is going to come out of this is suffering. She comes back here after years of no contact, not a letter, not a call, nothing. All that is going to happen is Noralie is going to get attached to her and she’ll go off and die or worse.”

Ana saw Ragnar’s feet as he walked past where she hid and she stiffened.

“I think we still need to hear her side of the story. You can’t judge her based solely on what Tybalt says.” Ragnar stopped by the space beside the pantry where we hid. He looked down at Ana and in his eyes she saw a fight. He wanted to be compassionate but he found it hard.

You should tell them. It’s not like they can turn us over to the Pharaoh and we have friends in the Legion if they did tell. They have a lot more to lose if they are found out than we do. I thrive on hate; you’ve withered into a useless twit. Let them hate me. I don’t care.

I fear it’s too late to blame you.

Ragnar walked out of the kitchen with Devlin. She heard the front door close.

Not yet.

Ana unfolded her clenched fists to see blood, her fingernails had been digging into her palms, enough so to draw blood, and she’d never felt it. Ana’s limp quivered and she bit it. She didn’t want to cry. Not hiding in the corner of the kitchen from her own family. She was too proud. She was also too scared of what those tears would confirm.

“Ana?”

Ana’s head shot up at the sound of Noralie’s voice. She quickly wiped away the tears and stood up.

“Noralie, how are you?” she asked lamely.

“What did Devlin and Ragnar want?” she asked.

“Not much, they were just looking for… food; you know boys and their stomachs,” she said faking a light-hearted laugh. Noralie had her arms folded across her chest and tapped her foot.

The kid is too smart for you Ana, Nenavysta laughed.

Shut up.

“Where did you go today?” Noralie asked.

Ana thought for a moment before answering her, “The market.”

“Why?”

“I just wanted to go someplace to think.”

“You can think here,” she said. Ana blinked and looked at Noralie’s overcast eyes.

“I’m sorry, Noralie. I promised I won’t leave you like that again. Things are just… complicated right now.”

“I could hear Devlin and Ragnar you know.”

Ana sighed, “I figured as much.”

“What will you do if they do put you on trial? You will defend yourself, right?”

“Of course.”

“Swear it!” The intensity of Noralie’s expression surprised Noralie. “Devlin may have given up on you but I know that you’re good! I just know it. Now promise. You won’t just take whatever the Nightingales throw at you.”

“I swear.”

“Say it like you mean it,” Noralie demanded.

“I swear Noralie, if I’m going to give up and die like Devlin said it will not be because of scum like Tybalt Nightingale or his precious rebel society,” Ana snapped channeling the force and outrage she sensed coming from Noralie.

“That’ll do,” Noralie said with a weak smile.

 

Chapters

16

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
jlbwye wrote 402 days ago

Order and Chaos. Your pitches promise much, but you dont show any link between Anaxandra and Prince Kaspar? Maybethere is none...
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits, hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. A bustling beginning, rich in atmosphere, and already I'm identifying with those children, even though they are being forced into petty crime.
Do you want nits? Words repeated close together are best searched out and avoided: were out, caught.

It is unusual having the authorial first person intrude in a story. I find it appealing. It has the feel of a children's story in this chapter. (Oh - I've just realised who the narrator is!).

For some reason, I cannot access Ch.2.

Ch.3. Your pitches help me bridge the gap.
There are some unnecessary words which if searched and deleted, make a story flow better: already, eagerly, finally, exactly, just, almost, always (Ch.4) completely, began to.

And look out for repeated meanings: you dont need to say Kaspar was terrified, you say it well enough when a shiver is sent down his spine.

Ch.4. The narrator recounts Ana's abduction in a detached, matter-of-fact manner, and yet I am gasping with the girl, and can feel that black bag over her head. You've shown it well.

Ch.5. I like that intimation: 'Sage looked like the sort of girl that Devlin would watch as she passed by...' it speaks volumes. Oh, poor Ana.

I can see this is an epic story, which you have enjoyed telling. It is developing a flow of its own, and the narrator lends a sense of dread to the action.
Your grammar needs editing in places, and there is work to be done to refine your style, but we all have to edit and re-edit, and it's always worth it in the end.
I wish you the best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Walden Carrington wrote 728 days ago

Jenna,
Order and Chaos is an incredibly imaginative account. This has great appeal to readers of the fantasy genre. I enjoyed my visit to this extraordinary tale which sweeps the reader away to another world.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Lucia13 wrote 764 days ago

I've read all 49 chapters and would have kept going if it were uploaded. Please, feel free to send me the last chapters if you'd like, or message me if you post them. First of all, you have natural talent. You should see the utter crap I wrote at your age. If you decide to pursue creative writing in college, perhaps I can lend you some knowledge-- especially if you live in the United States. You are right-- you do have an original story. I normally don't read in this genre, but I honestly haven't come across anything like this. I love it. I was so absorbed into your characters and I swear, half of the time, my stomach was in knots with worry over what would happen to Ana. It was just a really cool story. I loved how the psychology is wrapped into everything.

There is such innocence to your story, really, if you could breathe life into a virtue, your story did it! One of my favorite lines was at the end of Chapter 4, "...but innocence is a virtue that she is useless with." Gosh, I had to go back and read it several times because it took my breath away. Ana is just so lovely and The Witch...frighteningly powerful. Like ying-yang in a person.

The whole order-chaos thing is phenomenal. I LOVED that Chaos was telling the story. It was so clever and his little asides as I was reading were delightful. Also, so witty was the idea of having the kingdom be named "Existence."

To me, this was almost like an inside-out fairy tale. It also has this steam punk flare to it, as all of the scenes I visualized in shades of brown and gray, except for the ones that Kaspar was in-- his scenes were green.

I loved the references to stars, and eye color. I'm all over the place with this review, really, I should sleep on it and collect my thoughts on it for a night, but I'm so glad I read it, I'm just bursting. And now, I'm left with them stuck on the island and I'm wondering how they'll get off.

I love your short pitch, but would like to see a snappier long pitch. If I was any good at them, I'd help.

I did find a few grammar corrections here and there, and I'll message them to you. It was all very minor things and nothing blaring, just the sort of things all writers do while they're typing. I'd also suggest having it proofed for commas, but, again, even some of the best writers on this site argue over comma placement, so, to me, it is subjective. Really, a lovely story that I was so glad to read. This is an easy full 6 stars.

CMTStibbe wrote 783 days ago

Order and Chaos by Jenna Lynn McMahon

A very intriguing Prologue about the Histories of Before, The monument of St. Kaspar, harsh movements and the possibilities of a boy and a girl meeting. I am definitely coming back to read a few chapters of this fascinating premise. In the meantime, I have starred it highly. The style of writing is crisp and fast paced and I am longing to find out what happens to these children.

Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Seringapatam wrote 66 days ago

Jenna, Other than the couple of comments below you have sold it to me. I think there is a lot here that will hook the reader and your use of your characters is great. Nice descriptions throughout and a great pace to the book. You are a good story teller. Although not my bag, I enjoyed what you have written. There is going to be a big calling for this genre I think. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

patio wrote 206 days ago

This a powerful piece.

A small criticism. In the opening chapter you used "wives" then "men". I would advise you use "WOMEN and MEN or WIVES and HUSBAND. That way everything flow

DesiS. wrote 236 days ago

Order and Chaos- Chapter one or (chapter 1,2,3)- Good start- vivid description make a believable world. What I struggled with is it is so dark and joyless it was difficult to read. This might be cause I look for something different, more adventure and romance, so when it was in the romance, thriller genres I thought it would be a good fit. Ana's recurrent victimization was difficult and then when she becomes violent cause of her psychiatric issues she turns into a character that I have a hard time feeling any sympathy for. I think this was more correctly promoted as horror. In addition, after she attacks Tybalt (a man who was nice to her) it seem that most of the characters, including his sister Kim are also unsympathetic in some way as to make him a villian in the story and later he is turned into a villian- when it is he who is initially victimized. Why would Kim take Ana to her brother's house after she almost killed him?" Once the characters learn this they seem to okay with a serial killer living with them. It is not until Chapt 34 that Kasper and Ana meet and this is the most interesting part of the story- I wish I could have seen more of them together. One thing that I did like- was that chaos who was narrating much of the story was an alter- I thought that was a clever bit of writing.


I know you said this was a rough draft- one thing to edit for is comma usage and run on sentences. These editorial issues were too numerous to make notes of. Some other editorial issues are as follows- "The wealthier classes of people viewed those like Ana and her Brother like Vermin and treat them like poorness is contagious. (something awkward with this sentence.) and "He was getting tired of her antics he went to school before his parents left and he missed his friends. (run on sentence?) Chapter one didn't have the feel of being narrated, you do get the first indication of an outside narrater in Chapter 2, and the since of it is very strong in chapter 3- but the narrator is not introduced- I would have no idea of who it is except for it being included in the long pitch. Chapter 3 is repeated twice. Chapter 14- as in some other chapters there are some run on sentences. Chapter 15- "...he didn't have the copasity (capacity?) to work about hr (her?) empty threat. Chapter 19- "You were really going to try and shot (shoot?) me?" Chapter 26 "For the people who gave her the drugs. (incomplete sentence?) Chapter 32- Ragnar couldn't help but compare her to a baby bird that some cat had caught and the (then?) Chapter 34- ...he said raising he (her?) hand to his lips for a police kiss..." Chapter 35- "If she flipped just to get us caught by the Legion in the palace the (then?) fuck her." Chapter 36- "...I would tel the just to spite you,..(something missing) Chapter 37- "...indifferent to the bad things the (that?) happen to his sister and the bad things she does." and "understand I that mean no harm when I say. Your Ana is dead. (use comma instead of period?) Chapter 39- "That is you (your?) half of the island and this is mine." Chapter 41- "...it (if?) anything it was a tent. Chapter 42- Is it "Botnay for Serial Killers" or "Botany for Serial Killers"? and "Benedict wanted o (to?) look at the plants..." and "Really I thought we were past all this distrust and the. (incomplete sentence) Chapter 45 "She pretended to e (be?) looking at the rocks..." and "...he had taken photographs f the trees,..." Chapter 47- "Dante's nut opened and blood stained the wife front of his shirt"- Did she really cut his nut or do you mean gut? That would make more sense if his shirt was bloody and not his pants. Chapter 50- "...they has cut us off from all tour (our?) basic necessities and now they are just waiting for us to snap!" Chapter 51- "...glared at Devlin trying to suppress his furry (fury?) as he was always told to do." and "...my family was dysfunctional with its power grabbing, history of insect (incest?)..." Chapter 52- "He knows they are friends but e (he?) can barely look at her anymore..." and "...he wasn't a pervert and he (was?) nice?" Chapter 54 "Look me n the eye and ..." Chapter 65 "H (He) blinked, taken off guard once again by her directness." Chapter 67 "Life was peaceful, like it never been before o (or?) ever would be." again." Chapter 69 -"Let me see you (your?) identification papers." and "...I shouted getting reading (ready?) to do my own damage..." and "Wow did I just here (hear?) Kim suggest she wanted to be a mom?" Chapter 71- "...right now with the fact that they now (know?) where I live..." and "We are trying to help or would you rather hope (hop?) on a train to the war zone..." Chapter 72- "He wanted the best from (for?) her and since the..." and "Have (you?) thought of any names if he's a girl?" and "...Cyril might rty and unveil the (that?) Kaspar wasn't even royal." and "...I can't sit by and listen to by (my?) wife smear a good woman's name..." Chapter 74 -"They're (Their?) rooms have been picked out..." and "...mentally balanced and yet he fell n (in?) love with me." Chapter 75- "It slid into the window causing he (the?) glass to crack."

Thank you for posting the entire story. I love it when the writers let us read the entire story. I hope this was helpful. Good luck to you. Desi.

jlbwye wrote 402 days ago

Order and Chaos. Your pitches promise much, but you dont show any link between Anaxandra and Prince Kaspar? Maybethere is none...
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits, hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. A bustling beginning, rich in atmosphere, and already I'm identifying with those children, even though they are being forced into petty crime.
Do you want nits? Words repeated close together are best searched out and avoided: were out, caught.

It is unusual having the authorial first person intrude in a story. I find it appealing. It has the feel of a children's story in this chapter. (Oh - I've just realised who the narrator is!).

For some reason, I cannot access Ch.2.

Ch.3. Your pitches help me bridge the gap.
There are some unnecessary words which if searched and deleted, make a story flow better: already, eagerly, finally, exactly, just, almost, always (Ch.4) completely, began to.

And look out for repeated meanings: you dont need to say Kaspar was terrified, you say it well enough when a shiver is sent down his spine.

Ch.4. The narrator recounts Ana's abduction in a detached, matter-of-fact manner, and yet I am gasping with the girl, and can feel that black bag over her head. You've shown it well.

Ch.5. I like that intimation: 'Sage looked like the sort of girl that Devlin would watch as she passed by...' it speaks volumes. Oh, poor Ana.

I can see this is an epic story, which you have enjoyed telling. It is developing a flow of its own, and the narrator lends a sense of dread to the action.
Your grammar needs editing in places, and there is work to be done to refine your style, but we all have to edit and re-edit, and it's always worth it in the end.
I wish you the best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Emma.L.H. wrote 435 days ago

Hello, Jenna. You have a good story here. Your characters are well thought out and the dialogue is believable. I noticed a few typos; take them as you will.

The boy, Devlin spotted the man... needs another comma after Devlin.

"Are you okay," the girl asked she ran to her brother trying not to jostle the toddler... This is a question and needs a question mark after the speech. It also needs either the word 'as' after 'asked' and a comma after 'brother' or a full stop after 'asked'.

All in all, a good first chapter. A little tweaking would make the story flow better and would make it more enjoyable to read. I've kept you on my WL so I can read more and have rated it highly. Well done.

Tarzan For Real wrote 471 days ago

So far so good with the story. Can't wait to continue on. Good and believable dialogue between the characters.

Some suggestions:

1) The story could have a little more detail with the children.
2) I know you are building the believability of the characters but bring a few more hooks to entice me to read on.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 523 days ago

ORDER AND CHAOS
This is a good story. You have a way of creating very believable and sympathetic characters. As well as an ability to add a great deal of detail in your story. Makes a reader want to follow this to see where it will lead. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

orma wrote 566 days ago

From the Women Only thread.
I liked this story and immediately empathised with the children and their plight.
I do tend to get emotionally involved with characters in a book , so I love it when I can relate to them in a story.
Your story is also very imaginitive. It wasn't a complicated read either, which is good.
It's one of those stories you can get lost in, sort of stepping into another reality.
There isn't much wrong, that I can see, with your work. You said it needed editing, but not that much.
If this is a first draft, it's brill.
I wish I had the time to read all the chapters, but my reading list is huge!
Had to drag my eyes away!
Anyway this is a very good MS and I wish you good luck with it.

ozhm wrote 601 days ago

Highly original and imaginative with clear and interesting characters. I'm also impressed by the way you've woven the details of their world into the narrative in such a way that we become familiar with it without chunks of exposition. I've enjoyed what I've read so far.

At the moment, I get the feeling that you've rushed to get it all down without worrying too much about sentence construction etc - and good for you! But it might be worth your while, now, to look at it carefully with those things in mind. Some of your sentences are very long - lots of 'ands' - and in some places you've mixed tenses within a sentence. Best of luck with it.

Bea Sinclair wrote 671 days ago

Not my usual genre of choice but I thoroughly enjoyed this. Backed and high starred.
Good luck Bea

Su Dan wrote 672 days ago

easy to read, narrative helps your book...interesting story...a touch of editing, but not much...
l have backed...
read SEASONS...

Brian Bandell wrote 676 days ago

You did a nice job creating a fantasy world and coming up with characters. Your writing is clean and descriptive, although I'm not crazy about the first-person narrator. There's a lot to like here. The issue is the few few pages.

The prologue is a bit hard to follow. A lot of things you are eluding to there aren’t clear. I prefer chapter one as the starting point.

I like Ana and Devlin. Despite the stealing, I understand that they are desperate and just trying to survive. This is a good opening.

The Tanners chapter with Guineviva had a lot of excitement and drama.

This is good work. I like the world you created, it's just that the introduction to the way it works is a little rough and confusing. Try to smooth it out. I'll back this.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Lucia13 wrote 680 days ago

I've finally returned to read the latest chapters you've posted. Even after all of this time, I was swept back into your story. I still love the characters and holy crap! Ana's pregnant! I have to find out what happens. This is still an awesome story-- very unique. You have a lot of elements I've not encountered in books before. Lots of luck with this!

CarolinaAl wrote 696 days ago

I read your prologue and first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. An interesting main character. Good descriptions. Excellent world building. Good tension. Good pacing. The narrative mixes present and past tense. It's best to stay in one tense.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) ' ... simply because it is I, Chaos who will tell you the truth.' Comma after 'Chaos.'
2) ' ... declared the following people Impure and to be executed on site: ... ' 'Site' should be 'sight.'
3) 'Two perfect little disaster waiting to unleash their miseries on the world ... ' 'Disaster' should be 'disasters.'

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) " ... you'll see when mom comes back we'll ... " Capitalize 'mom.' When a kinship term is used as a name it becomes a proper noun and, as such, is capitalized.
2) "If she isn't dead than she's working her fingers to the bone as a slave." 'Than' should be 'then.'
3) "I'm sorry Ana." Comma after 'sorry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Same thing with "Happy birthday big brother." Comma after 'birthday.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al

KGleeson wrote 710 days ago

You have a very strong prologue that rings out like an opening of a Greek tragedy or a Shakespeare play. It commands attention and sets up the novel for something very dynamic. In the first chapter you might consider setting the first paragraph into the prologue since it has the same voice as the prologue. The rest of the first chapter you have in Ana's point of view so that gives the story a tighter focus, more personal which is a different voice from the prologue (except for the one place where you say "I guess" when she's stealing the food which you might want to consider deleting).

This is an interesting premise and the story has a strong opening. I will try and get back to read more. Kristin

AlexzandraGoode wrote 720 days ago

Hi Jenna,

Yours was the first thread pitch I picked up to read on and I've finally managed to get through about half of it. Firstly, I have to be honest and let you know that this kind of fantasy really stumps me, because I'm just too much in the realistic world to imagine most of what's laid out for me on the page. I can see how vivid your description is, and I commend you on the detail you've put into creating this family. The twist in the first chapter with Ana stealing really made me sit up and take notice, and it was the perfect amount of excitement to pull the reader in. I'm not a massive fan of 'My tale begins,' but that's probably just me! Your descriptive writing certainly matches your genre, and I was instantly able to picture Ana. I don't feel like I'm fully understanding the story, but I enjoyed what I read! This is definitely one for people with more scope for imagination than me - I tend to write about relationships ;) Star rated though because you deserve it!

Alex
F.M.F.
P.S. You might agree with me on this thread, seeing as you have a prologue!
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/77701/a-prologue-title-for-our-books-/

Walden Carrington wrote 728 days ago

Jenna,
Order and Chaos is an incredibly imaginative account. This has great appeal to readers of the fantasy genre. I enjoyed my visit to this extraordinary tale which sweeps the reader away to another world.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

stephen racket wrote 742 days ago

Fantasy isn't really my genre but I think this is original, imaginative, and deserves a place on my WL. I like the prologue and think you set the scene extremely well. Starred generously and on my WL for further reading. Good luck with this.

kenny hill wrote 745 days ago

An interesting beginning. Interesting, because of the peculiar style you've adopted. The prologue, written in a vaulting, semi-biblical tone, bends strongly to the narrators voice. Spoken in quasi- journalistic syntax, it sounds like a judgement being pronounced. Perhaps that was the plan. After all, the opener is highly portentious, and Chaos, presumably, isn't to be treated lightly. But for me, it sounded a little stiff. A little stilted. I might expect to read such writing in the decision of a court case. But here, in the land of Fantasy, despite the darkness, there has to be a willingness to understand the reader.

Some further editing, perhaps ?

celticwriter wrote 747 days ago

Hi Jenna, simply rebacking your very interesting journey.
blessings,
jim

monicque wrote 750 days ago

Yikes! I was scared to read after the first sentence!! But I did read on.
Well done. I liked the short chapters. I read the first three, because I don't have time for much more at the moment.
Thank you for messaging me, and asking me to read your work. Thanks for sharing. :)
I have rated and backed your work.
Monicque.

M. A. McRae. wrote 750 days ago

You have an extremely good story here, related by Chaos, who is the enemy of Order in the place of Existence. The children quickly come to life in our minds, and we care about what happens.
Those are the good things. Here is what I think you need to work on, and note that each opinion you get is only that - one person's opinion.
First, choose a tense - past tense is best because it is easiest to do, and easiest to follow. Then stick to it without exception. Wandering tenses are a real flaw in a piece of writing.
Second, you need to tighten up on the organisation of the story. eg, in Ch 2, you speak about the children's circumstances, missing mother etc, and then repeat it in the next chapter. At 101,000 words and incomplete, it will only help the story if you chop out repetition. So many say that a first novel should not be too long.
Third, I was impressed with the first chapter, as I saw no errors, but quite a lot of errors creep in from the second chapter on. eg. Ch 3, 'shall' for 'shawl' and 'retched' for 'reached.' You need to do a lot of editing.
But again, remember what I said at the very beginning. This story has tremendous promise.
To be backed just as soon as I have a space free. Marj.

Always bright wrote 757 days ago

Different way to start a book but must say cought my interest. I'm on the site to find good books and back my mother. So far am impressed. Have rated and WL for further reading.
Always J

Lucia13 wrote 764 days ago

I've read all 49 chapters and would have kept going if it were uploaded. Please, feel free to send me the last chapters if you'd like, or message me if you post them. First of all, you have natural talent. You should see the utter crap I wrote at your age. If you decide to pursue creative writing in college, perhaps I can lend you some knowledge-- especially if you live in the United States. You are right-- you do have an original story. I normally don't read in this genre, but I honestly haven't come across anything like this. I love it. I was so absorbed into your characters and I swear, half of the time, my stomach was in knots with worry over what would happen to Ana. It was just a really cool story. I loved how the psychology is wrapped into everything.

There is such innocence to your story, really, if you could breathe life into a virtue, your story did it! One of my favorite lines was at the end of Chapter 4, "...but innocence is a virtue that she is useless with." Gosh, I had to go back and read it several times because it took my breath away. Ana is just so lovely and The Witch...frighteningly powerful. Like ying-yang in a person.

The whole order-chaos thing is phenomenal. I LOVED that Chaos was telling the story. It was so clever and his little asides as I was reading were delightful. Also, so witty was the idea of having the kingdom be named "Existence."

To me, this was almost like an inside-out fairy tale. It also has this steam punk flare to it, as all of the scenes I visualized in shades of brown and gray, except for the ones that Kaspar was in-- his scenes were green.

I loved the references to stars, and eye color. I'm all over the place with this review, really, I should sleep on it and collect my thoughts on it for a night, but I'm so glad I read it, I'm just bursting. And now, I'm left with them stuck on the island and I'm wondering how they'll get off.

I love your short pitch, but would like to see a snappier long pitch. If I was any good at them, I'd help.

I did find a few grammar corrections here and there, and I'll message them to you. It was all very minor things and nothing blaring, just the sort of things all writers do while they're typing. I'd also suggest having it proofed for commas, but, again, even some of the best writers on this site argue over comma placement, so, to me, it is subjective. Really, a lovely story that I was so glad to read. This is an easy full 6 stars.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 771 days ago

Jenna,
What a way to start a book with Chaos himself playing anchorman, giving away the backstory with the irrefutable authority he wields. Your descriptive prose in "Order and Chaos" proceeds in a stately manner carrying your reader on a journey fraught with twists and surprises. Anaxandra and Prince provide an interesting dyanmic to the story that completely won me over to their cause.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

briantodd wrote 772 days ago

Energetic and imaginative tale which is bubbling with ideas and interest. My own view is that your decision to have the God, Chaos as the tales narrator weakens the structure. Why would a God be interested in these human characters? Why not keep the narrator hidden from the reader ? A lot of your work is directly inspired by the mythology of Ancient Greece. 'Greek Myths' by Robert Graves might provide further inspiration for you.

Stephanie L. Prater wrote 779 days ago

I like the narrative voice and you clearly have a fabulous imagination. The idea of having Chaos herself tell the story was very intriguing and one of the reasons I'm backing this! You've got an interesting concept all together. My only concern was that it's narration heavy. I'd consider balancing it out with more engaging action and dialogue, especially since it's Ya. What do you think?

P.S. Just throwing this out there, but when my manuscript was reviewed by Harper Collins after it won a contest on another website, Harper Collins said in the review that YA works over 100,000 words are a concern. It effects the pace. You tend to write more lesiurely (or I do) and the length is felt more by younger readers... Just something to think about.

tricia_d wrote 780 days ago

First off, you’ve got a great story here and I like your unique way of telling it. Please don’t let my nitpicky comments detract from this- I only want to point out certain elements you may want to look at to make your story even better. As we both know, it’s hard to proofread your own work- readers tend to find problems in my story I’ve overlooked even after reading it a million times.

Prologue: You might receive some criticism from others on the site about the sins of “telling vs. showing.” I happen to like the setup here- it’s like sitting in front of a fire and listening to a good storyteller. You’ve painted a world riddled with danger and intrigue, so this makes me want to read more.

Chapter One: You do a great job explaining the world you’ve built, but you could probably get away with weaving these elements into the story as you go. Your dialogue and descriptions are wonderful throughout the whole document. I found a couple minor grammatical issues, but everyone has these. For instance, in paragraph 7, their should be they’re. In para 8, “Mom isn’t coming back yet get it…” (split it into two sentences.) And: "Ana watch..." should be "Ana watched...".
My favorite character so far is Ana. You’ve done a good job turning her into a sympathetic character. I feel sorry for her and can feel her hunger as my own. Great tension as she contemplates stealing food, but your mention of Noralie’s blindness kind of pulls me from the story- this is another place where you might want to weave this fact into the story in a different way. You’ve already established yourself as the narrator, so it’s OK to step back and let the story unfold.

Chapter Two: I like Gueneviva. I found a little intermixing between the use of past and present tense, but for the most part, this chapter flows well.

Chapter Three: Your description of Kaspar leads me to believe he will be a pivotal character in this story. I LOVE the line “…lacking the sight to recognize it and the spark to ignite it.” Beautiful descriptions in this chapter.

Overall, I like your style of writing and I think you bring a unique voice to the story. I’m anxious to see how you tie all these compelling characters together, so I will continue to read and comment as I go. For now, I can say, "well done." This is quite impressive so far.

Karin O wrote 781 days ago

Hey Jenna! Nice hat by the way! I've really been enjoying this so far! I can't wait to find out the ending! :D I really love Chaos' point of view too. Very well written!
-Karin O

CMTStibbe wrote 783 days ago

Order and Chaos by Jenna Lynn McMahon

A very intriguing Prologue about the Histories of Before, The monument of St. Kaspar, harsh movements and the possibilities of a boy and a girl meeting. I am definitely coming back to read a few chapters of this fascinating premise. In the meantime, I have starred it highly. The style of writing is crisp and fast paced and I am longing to find out what happens to these children.

Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

celticwriter wrote 786 days ago

Hi Jenna, how could anyone NOT want to read the work of a woman unafraid to wear a Wicked hat? :-) Looking forward to reading your work. On Watchlist for now.

sincerely,
jim

1