Book Jacket

 

rank 487
word count 106870
date submitted 19.04.2011
date updated 19.06.2013
genres: Thriller, Fantasy
classification: moderate
incomplete

Order and Chaos

Jenna Lynn McMahon

"Two perfect little disasters waiting to unleash their miseries on the world in pursuit of the ideal Existence."

 

Anaxandra Tanner was born in the slums of Existence, orphaned at age eight she was forced to live on the streets with her older brother and infant sister relying only on the charity of strangers and luck to keep from starving, freezing, or being enslaved/imprisoned by the Legion. When the dark under belly of Existence finally claims her innocence she sets onto a dark path delivering her straight to the hands of Chaos.

Prince Kaspar was born under mysterious conditions in the Palace of the Pharaohs where he grew under the watchful eyes of his father Pharaoh Jovan and his beloved nanny Sonja. Kaspar spent his childhood aspiring to join the Legion, like his cousin Cyril and trying to become the most Orderly man he could be while failing miserably when his love of photography and science drag him from his holy path created by the God Order.

Serious Editing/Rewrite Underway right now.

 
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assasin, dark, demons, dystopia, female protagonist, forbidden love, horror, multiple personality, oppression, order and chaos, pharaoh, polytheism, r...

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30) Sisterhood

Ana woke up in her old cot on the floor across from Noralie. She was sound asleep; the sunlight was only just beginning to peak over the western mountains and filter through their bedroom window. Ana smiled, seeing such a familiar sight. Noralie had a habit of falling asleep with her mouth open and complaining that her throat felt dry in the morning. Just like when she had been four. Ana rose slowly from her cot trying to make as little sound as possible before she crept across the bedroom and down the stairs. The smell of Guineviva’s chicken soup wafted up the stairs and made Ana smile.

Fond memories of the two years she lived with Guineviva stirred and Ana felt as giddy as a young girl did.

“Good morning,” she said to Guineviva. There were a few customers in already enjoying the soup casting strange looks at Ana. “Need any help?”

Guineviva stared, not sure of what to say. “I prepared some dough you could put in a pan.”

Ana almost skipped across the room, put on an apron and got to work kneading the dough, just as she had when she was twelve years old. She hummed a simple tune quietly to herself as she worked. Guineviva tried not to stare at her but she did observe a drastic mood change in Ana and did not know what to make of it. Every time she looked at her, she did not know what to expect.

“Where is Devlin?” asked Ana as she placed the dough in the pan.

“He is at the Nightingale’s residence helping Kim take care of Tybalt.”

“That is good, his friends missed him,” Ana looked down at her gloved hands and tried not to think about all that may be said about her in her absence. She was scared the Tybalt would try to turn Devlin against her.

“If they don’t like me why are they letting me stay?” she asked.

“First of all I’m the one letting you say. This is my home and my rules. You are welcome as long as you want to be. Second of all it would break Noralie’s heart if we let anything happen to you and third of all, Tybalt’s terrified by you, and I never liked him much anyway,” Guineviva ranted. Ana chuckled.

“Thank you, but you’re scared of me too,” Ana said quietly.

“No I’m confused. I don’t know what to make of this entire situation and until it is sorted out I will treat you the same I treat Noralie or Devlin,” Guineviva sighed. They continued to work in the kitchen like in the old days and Ana seldom spoke for fear she would say something that would bring her worries back and upset Guineviva. Noralie came to help as well and she walked around dusting off Guineviva’s tables, counters, and decor.

But of course peace never lasted very long in Guineviva’s house.

A woman in her late thirties entered the soup kitchen carrying a small bag. Ana looked at the woman and felt the hair on the back of her neck raise. The woman was familiar in a way she could not explain to herself and this sort of occurrence disturbed her, it made her angry with the total stranger.

Perhaps she was an accomplice of Nenavysta’s that Ana had not known about, or the woman was a serial killer in disguise and was just waiting for the opportunity to pounce on Ana’s family, or worse, Nenavysta could have hired her. An assassin, to kill off all of Ana’s family in a manner that Ana would not be able to blame on Nenavysta. Ana’s thoughts were reeling in horror and her mind was stretching out into all the dark corners Nenavysta hid in searching for the reason as to why this woman was so familiar.

Ana put down what she was working on and marched over to where the woman stood, trying to rein in her outrage so as not to alarm anyone.

“Hello, does a Guineviva live here?” the woman asked.

“Why do you want to know?” Ana asked crossing her arms and keeping her voice low so that she would not alert Noralie.

The woman had silver eyes and very short blondish hair, she barely came to Ana’s shoulders, she was only five feet tall.

“I don’t know who sent you but if you ever come near here again...”

“Ana!” Noralie chirped skipping over to her side. The woman shifted slightly and Ana shoved Noralie backwards and grabbed a knife off the counter. The people in the soup kitchen gasped and watched the drama unfold. Ana stood defensively between Noralie and the woman, her face twisted in anger.

“Stay away from us,” Ana shrieked. Guineviva came down the stairs.

“Anaxandra Tanner what in Order’s name do you think you are doing!” Guineviva roared helping Noralie get back onto her feet.

“Please stop I’ll leave,” the woman said backing into the wall horror-struck.

“Sonja?” Guineviva asked looking at the woman.

“Sister, who is this girl?” the woman asked.

“Sister?” Ana asked looking from Guineviva to the woman. Guineviva and Sonja were both petite, light haired, with the same silvery eyes.

“Ana would you put that knife down for goodness sakes! This is my little sister Sonja,” Guineviva said running over and hugging her. Her face was streaked with tears of happiness.

“It’s been a long time,” Sonja said hugging Guineviva back. 

“I thought you were dead. They took you away and I never heard from you again. Come sit.”

“Oh it’s a very long story and if you don’t mind I’d rather not tell it right now,” Sonja said sitting on a stool next to the counter. She had very sad eyes, Ana thought.

“Well where have you been at least?” Guineviva asked as she began to prepare tea for the group.

“I was in the Palace of the Pharaohs’ working as a nanny and maid.”

“Why did they let you leave? This is the first time I personally have ever heard of any slave being let go. You either die serving a nobleman or you marry out of it which happens only once per every million deaths,” Ana sniped. Guineviva struck Ana with a rolled up newspaper making Noralie giggle.

“Actually I think that’s a good question. Our mother was taken away to be a slave. Is there any chance she could come back,” Noralie said standing up for Ana. Sonja’s mouth fell open looking at the girls. She felt like they had thrown a glass of cold water in her face. There before her was sweet calm Noralie who had an aura about her like a spring flower, Sonja couldn’t imagine her being an orphan and all that that entails in Existence. Then to Noralie’s left and front, whom Sonja believed had intentionally positioned herself between Noralie and she was Ana: edgy, aggressive, over defensive Ana who had held a knife to her not ten seconds after she walked in the front door. Looking into Ana’s eyes she supposed that Ana was used to that type of first impression but Sonja had lived a long time in the palace and had been surrounded by damaged men, women and children alike. She knew everyone copes with hardship differently and she knew that Ana had good reason to be this way. They always did.

“I made a deal. I want to tell you dear why I am out and your mother is not but my situation is unique and if I tell you, why I am out and you tell anyone else. Then I will be killed.”

“Are you involved with some kind of conspiracy?” Noralie asked.

“Noralie!” Ana snapped which was not really an objection to her sister’s rudeness.

“I suppose you could say that but it is a little more personal than that,” she said taking a tentative sip from her tea. “Are these all the kids staying with you?”

“No our big brother Devlin lives here too,” Noralie answered.

“That’s wonderful that you’re all together,” Sonja said smiling at Guineviva. Ana marvelled at how much they looked alike and looked at Noralie whom looked surprisingly like their father, but more feminine.

“What was it like?” Ana asked.

“What was what like?”

“Being a slave, living in that big palace? You didn’t happen across a woman named Cyma Tanner? Did you?” Ana asked trying not to sound desperate. Sonja thought carefully and sipped her tea before answering.

“I cannot recall meeting a woman that looks like either of you girls or that goes by that name. I’m sorry honey but being a slave is not easy. You need to do what your told when you are told no matter what. It is horrible and you have no rights. Not a lot of people can tolerate that sort of treatment they go mad or lose all sense of themselves.”

Ana frowned at the ground then stood and walked out the door.

“Was it something I said?” asked Sonja.

“Forgive Ana we’re still growing into her habits and she’s still growing into us,” Noralie said taking a sip of the tea; she had been nursing since waking up that morning.

“What do you mean by that? She hasn’t always been here?”

“I don’t feel inclined to describe the whole situation but if Ana ever starts acting strange just step back and let her be,” Noralie said standing and getting to work washing dishes.

Sonja looked at the door and could not keep her mind from wandering. She decided that despite Ana’s unpleasant nature she wanted to get to know the girl a little better.

 

Chapters

18

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jlbwye wrote 402 days ago

Order and Chaos. Your pitches promise much, but you dont show any link between Anaxandra and Prince Kaspar? Maybethere is none...
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits, hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. A bustling beginning, rich in atmosphere, and already I'm identifying with those children, even though they are being forced into petty crime.
Do you want nits? Words repeated close together are best searched out and avoided: were out, caught.

It is unusual having the authorial first person intrude in a story. I find it appealing. It has the feel of a children's story in this chapter. (Oh - I've just realised who the narrator is!).

For some reason, I cannot access Ch.2.

Ch.3. Your pitches help me bridge the gap.
There are some unnecessary words which if searched and deleted, make a story flow better: already, eagerly, finally, exactly, just, almost, always (Ch.4) completely, began to.

And look out for repeated meanings: you dont need to say Kaspar was terrified, you say it well enough when a shiver is sent down his spine.

Ch.4. The narrator recounts Ana's abduction in a detached, matter-of-fact manner, and yet I am gasping with the girl, and can feel that black bag over her head. You've shown it well.

Ch.5. I like that intimation: 'Sage looked like the sort of girl that Devlin would watch as she passed by...' it speaks volumes. Oh, poor Ana.

I can see this is an epic story, which you have enjoyed telling. It is developing a flow of its own, and the narrator lends a sense of dread to the action.
Your grammar needs editing in places, and there is work to be done to refine your style, but we all have to edit and re-edit, and it's always worth it in the end.
I wish you the best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Walden Carrington wrote 728 days ago

Jenna,
Order and Chaos is an incredibly imaginative account. This has great appeal to readers of the fantasy genre. I enjoyed my visit to this extraordinary tale which sweeps the reader away to another world.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Lucia13 wrote 764 days ago

I've read all 49 chapters and would have kept going if it were uploaded. Please, feel free to send me the last chapters if you'd like, or message me if you post them. First of all, you have natural talent. You should see the utter crap I wrote at your age. If you decide to pursue creative writing in college, perhaps I can lend you some knowledge-- especially if you live in the United States. You are right-- you do have an original story. I normally don't read in this genre, but I honestly haven't come across anything like this. I love it. I was so absorbed into your characters and I swear, half of the time, my stomach was in knots with worry over what would happen to Ana. It was just a really cool story. I loved how the psychology is wrapped into everything.

There is such innocence to your story, really, if you could breathe life into a virtue, your story did it! One of my favorite lines was at the end of Chapter 4, "...but innocence is a virtue that she is useless with." Gosh, I had to go back and read it several times because it took my breath away. Ana is just so lovely and The Witch...frighteningly powerful. Like ying-yang in a person.

The whole order-chaos thing is phenomenal. I LOVED that Chaos was telling the story. It was so clever and his little asides as I was reading were delightful. Also, so witty was the idea of having the kingdom be named "Existence."

To me, this was almost like an inside-out fairy tale. It also has this steam punk flare to it, as all of the scenes I visualized in shades of brown and gray, except for the ones that Kaspar was in-- his scenes were green.

I loved the references to stars, and eye color. I'm all over the place with this review, really, I should sleep on it and collect my thoughts on it for a night, but I'm so glad I read it, I'm just bursting. And now, I'm left with them stuck on the island and I'm wondering how they'll get off.

I love your short pitch, but would like to see a snappier long pitch. If I was any good at them, I'd help.

I did find a few grammar corrections here and there, and I'll message them to you. It was all very minor things and nothing blaring, just the sort of things all writers do while they're typing. I'd also suggest having it proofed for commas, but, again, even some of the best writers on this site argue over comma placement, so, to me, it is subjective. Really, a lovely story that I was so glad to read. This is an easy full 6 stars.

CMTStibbe wrote 783 days ago

Order and Chaos by Jenna Lynn McMahon

A very intriguing Prologue about the Histories of Before, The monument of St. Kaspar, harsh movements and the possibilities of a boy and a girl meeting. I am definitely coming back to read a few chapters of this fascinating premise. In the meantime, I have starred it highly. The style of writing is crisp and fast paced and I am longing to find out what happens to these children.

Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Seringapatam wrote 66 days ago

Jenna, Other than the couple of comments below you have sold it to me. I think there is a lot here that will hook the reader and your use of your characters is great. Nice descriptions throughout and a great pace to the book. You are a good story teller. Although not my bag, I enjoyed what you have written. There is going to be a big calling for this genre I think. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

patio wrote 206 days ago

This a powerful piece.

A small criticism. In the opening chapter you used "wives" then "men". I would advise you use "WOMEN and MEN or WIVES and HUSBAND. That way everything flow

DesiS. wrote 236 days ago

Order and Chaos- Chapter one or (chapter 1,2,3)- Good start- vivid description make a believable world. What I struggled with is it is so dark and joyless it was difficult to read. This might be cause I look for something different, more adventure and romance, so when it was in the romance, thriller genres I thought it would be a good fit. Ana's recurrent victimization was difficult and then when she becomes violent cause of her psychiatric issues she turns into a character that I have a hard time feeling any sympathy for. I think this was more correctly promoted as horror. In addition, after she attacks Tybalt (a man who was nice to her) it seem that most of the characters, including his sister Kim are also unsympathetic in some way as to make him a villian in the story and later he is turned into a villian- when it is he who is initially victimized. Why would Kim take Ana to her brother's house after she almost killed him?" Once the characters learn this they seem to okay with a serial killer living with them. It is not until Chapt 34 that Kasper and Ana meet and this is the most interesting part of the story- I wish I could have seen more of them together. One thing that I did like- was that chaos who was narrating much of the story was an alter- I thought that was a clever bit of writing.


I know you said this was a rough draft- one thing to edit for is comma usage and run on sentences. These editorial issues were too numerous to make notes of. Some other editorial issues are as follows- "The wealthier classes of people viewed those like Ana and her Brother like Vermin and treat them like poorness is contagious. (something awkward with this sentence.) and "He was getting tired of her antics he went to school before his parents left and he missed his friends. (run on sentence?) Chapter one didn't have the feel of being narrated, you do get the first indication of an outside narrater in Chapter 2, and the since of it is very strong in chapter 3- but the narrator is not introduced- I would have no idea of who it is except for it being included in the long pitch. Chapter 3 is repeated twice. Chapter 14- as in some other chapters there are some run on sentences. Chapter 15- "...he didn't have the copasity (capacity?) to work about hr (her?) empty threat. Chapter 19- "You were really going to try and shot (shoot?) me?" Chapter 26 "For the people who gave her the drugs. (incomplete sentence?) Chapter 32- Ragnar couldn't help but compare her to a baby bird that some cat had caught and the (then?) Chapter 34- ...he said raising he (her?) hand to his lips for a police kiss..." Chapter 35- "If she flipped just to get us caught by the Legion in the palace the (then?) fuck her." Chapter 36- "...I would tel the just to spite you,..(something missing) Chapter 37- "...indifferent to the bad things the (that?) happen to his sister and the bad things she does." and "understand I that mean no harm when I say. Your Ana is dead. (use comma instead of period?) Chapter 39- "That is you (your?) half of the island and this is mine." Chapter 41- "...it (if?) anything it was a tent. Chapter 42- Is it "Botnay for Serial Killers" or "Botany for Serial Killers"? and "Benedict wanted o (to?) look at the plants..." and "Really I thought we were past all this distrust and the. (incomplete sentence) Chapter 45 "She pretended to e (be?) looking at the rocks..." and "...he had taken photographs f the trees,..." Chapter 47- "Dante's nut opened and blood stained the wife front of his shirt"- Did she really cut his nut or do you mean gut? That would make more sense if his shirt was bloody and not his pants. Chapter 50- "...they has cut us off from all tour (our?) basic necessities and now they are just waiting for us to snap!" Chapter 51- "...glared at Devlin trying to suppress his furry (fury?) as he was always told to do." and "...my family was dysfunctional with its power grabbing, history of insect (incest?)..." Chapter 52- "He knows they are friends but e (he?) can barely look at her anymore..." and "...he wasn't a pervert and he (was?) nice?" Chapter 54 "Look me n the eye and ..." Chapter 65 "H (He) blinked, taken off guard once again by her directness." Chapter 67 "Life was peaceful, like it never been before o (or?) ever would be." again." Chapter 69 -"Let me see you (your?) identification papers." and "...I shouted getting reading (ready?) to do my own damage..." and "Wow did I just here (hear?) Kim suggest she wanted to be a mom?" Chapter 71- "...right now with the fact that they now (know?) where I live..." and "We are trying to help or would you rather hope (hop?) on a train to the war zone..." Chapter 72- "He wanted the best from (for?) her and since the..." and "Have (you?) thought of any names if he's a girl?" and "...Cyril might rty and unveil the (that?) Kaspar wasn't even royal." and "...I can't sit by and listen to by (my?) wife smear a good woman's name..." Chapter 74 -"They're (Their?) rooms have been picked out..." and "...mentally balanced and yet he fell n (in?) love with me." Chapter 75- "It slid into the window causing he (the?) glass to crack."

Thank you for posting the entire story. I love it when the writers let us read the entire story. I hope this was helpful. Good luck to you. Desi.

jlbwye wrote 402 days ago

Order and Chaos. Your pitches promise much, but you dont show any link between Anaxandra and Prince Kaspar? Maybethere is none...
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits, hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. A bustling beginning, rich in atmosphere, and already I'm identifying with those children, even though they are being forced into petty crime.
Do you want nits? Words repeated close together are best searched out and avoided: were out, caught.

It is unusual having the authorial first person intrude in a story. I find it appealing. It has the feel of a children's story in this chapter. (Oh - I've just realised who the narrator is!).

For some reason, I cannot access Ch.2.

Ch.3. Your pitches help me bridge the gap.
There are some unnecessary words which if searched and deleted, make a story flow better: already, eagerly, finally, exactly, just, almost, always (Ch.4) completely, began to.

And look out for repeated meanings: you dont need to say Kaspar was terrified, you say it well enough when a shiver is sent down his spine.

Ch.4. The narrator recounts Ana's abduction in a detached, matter-of-fact manner, and yet I am gasping with the girl, and can feel that black bag over her head. You've shown it well.

Ch.5. I like that intimation: 'Sage looked like the sort of girl that Devlin would watch as she passed by...' it speaks volumes. Oh, poor Ana.

I can see this is an epic story, which you have enjoyed telling. It is developing a flow of its own, and the narrator lends a sense of dread to the action.
Your grammar needs editing in places, and there is work to be done to refine your style, but we all have to edit and re-edit, and it's always worth it in the end.
I wish you the best of luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Emma.L.H. wrote 435 days ago

Hello, Jenna. You have a good story here. Your characters are well thought out and the dialogue is believable. I noticed a few typos; take them as you will.

The boy, Devlin spotted the man... needs another comma after Devlin.

"Are you okay," the girl asked she ran to her brother trying not to jostle the toddler... This is a question and needs a question mark after the speech. It also needs either the word 'as' after 'asked' and a comma after 'brother' or a full stop after 'asked'.

All in all, a good first chapter. A little tweaking would make the story flow better and would make it more enjoyable to read. I've kept you on my WL so I can read more and have rated it highly. Well done.

Tarzan For Real wrote 471 days ago

So far so good with the story. Can't wait to continue on. Good and believable dialogue between the characters.

Some suggestions:

1) The story could have a little more detail with the children.
2) I know you are building the believability of the characters but bring a few more hooks to entice me to read on.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 522 days ago

ORDER AND CHAOS
This is a good story. You have a way of creating very believable and sympathetic characters. As well as an ability to add a great deal of detail in your story. Makes a reader want to follow this to see where it will lead. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

orma wrote 566 days ago

From the Women Only thread.
I liked this story and immediately empathised with the children and their plight.
I do tend to get emotionally involved with characters in a book , so I love it when I can relate to them in a story.
Your story is also very imaginitive. It wasn't a complicated read either, which is good.
It's one of those stories you can get lost in, sort of stepping into another reality.
There isn't much wrong, that I can see, with your work. You said it needed editing, but not that much.
If this is a first draft, it's brill.
I wish I had the time to read all the chapters, but my reading list is huge!
Had to drag my eyes away!
Anyway this is a very good MS and I wish you good luck with it.

ozhm wrote 601 days ago

Highly original and imaginative with clear and interesting characters. I'm also impressed by the way you've woven the details of their world into the narrative in such a way that we become familiar with it without chunks of exposition. I've enjoyed what I've read so far.

At the moment, I get the feeling that you've rushed to get it all down without worrying too much about sentence construction etc - and good for you! But it might be worth your while, now, to look at it carefully with those things in mind. Some of your sentences are very long - lots of 'ands' - and in some places you've mixed tenses within a sentence. Best of luck with it.

Bea Sinclair wrote 671 days ago

Not my usual genre of choice but I thoroughly enjoyed this. Backed and high starred.
Good luck Bea

Su Dan wrote 671 days ago

easy to read, narrative helps your book...interesting story...a touch of editing, but not much...
l have backed...
read SEASONS...

Brian Bandell wrote 676 days ago

You did a nice job creating a fantasy world and coming up with characters. Your writing is clean and descriptive, although I'm not crazy about the first-person narrator. There's a lot to like here. The issue is the few few pages.

The prologue is a bit hard to follow. A lot of things you are eluding to there aren’t clear. I prefer chapter one as the starting point.

I like Ana and Devlin. Despite the stealing, I understand that they are desperate and just trying to survive. This is a good opening.

The Tanners chapter with Guineviva had a lot of excitement and drama.

This is good work. I like the world you created, it's just that the introduction to the way it works is a little rough and confusing. Try to smooth it out. I'll back this.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Lucia13 wrote 680 days ago

I've finally returned to read the latest chapters you've posted. Even after all of this time, I was swept back into your story. I still love the characters and holy crap! Ana's pregnant! I have to find out what happens. This is still an awesome story-- very unique. You have a lot of elements I've not encountered in books before. Lots of luck with this!

CarolinaAl wrote 695 days ago

I read your prologue and first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. An interesting main character. Good descriptions. Excellent world building. Good tension. Good pacing. The narrative mixes present and past tense. It's best to stay in one tense.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) ' ... simply because it is I, Chaos who will tell you the truth.' Comma after 'Chaos.'
2) ' ... declared the following people Impure and to be executed on site: ... ' 'Site' should be 'sight.'
3) 'Two perfect little disaster waiting to unleash their miseries on the world ... ' 'Disaster' should be 'disasters.'

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) " ... you'll see when mom comes back we'll ... " Capitalize 'mom.' When a kinship term is used as a name it becomes a proper noun and, as such, is capitalized.
2) "If she isn't dead than she's working her fingers to the bone as a slave." 'Than' should be 'then.'
3) "I'm sorry Ana." Comma after 'sorry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Same thing with "Happy birthday big brother." Comma after 'birthday.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al

KGleeson wrote 710 days ago

You have a very strong prologue that rings out like an opening of a Greek tragedy or a Shakespeare play. It commands attention and sets up the novel for something very dynamic. In the first chapter you might consider setting the first paragraph into the prologue since it has the same voice as the prologue. The rest of the first chapter you have in Ana's point of view so that gives the story a tighter focus, more personal which is a different voice from the prologue (except for the one place where you say "I guess" when she's stealing the food which you might want to consider deleting).

This is an interesting premise and the story has a strong opening. I will try and get back to read more. Kristin

AlexzandraGoode wrote 720 days ago

Hi Jenna,

Yours was the first thread pitch I picked up to read on and I've finally managed to get through about half of it. Firstly, I have to be honest and let you know that this kind of fantasy really stumps me, because I'm just too much in the realistic world to imagine most of what's laid out for me on the page. I can see how vivid your description is, and I commend you on the detail you've put into creating this family. The twist in the first chapter with Ana stealing really made me sit up and take notice, and it was the perfect amount of excitement to pull the reader in. I'm not a massive fan of 'My tale begins,' but that's probably just me! Your descriptive writing certainly matches your genre, and I was instantly able to picture Ana. I don't feel like I'm fully understanding the story, but I enjoyed what I read! This is definitely one for people with more scope for imagination than me - I tend to write about relationships ;) Star rated though because you deserve it!

Alex
F.M.F.
P.S. You might agree with me on this thread, seeing as you have a prologue!
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/77701/a-prologue-title-for-our-books-/

Walden Carrington wrote 728 days ago

Jenna,
Order and Chaos is an incredibly imaginative account. This has great appeal to readers of the fantasy genre. I enjoyed my visit to this extraordinary tale which sweeps the reader away to another world.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

stephen racket wrote 742 days ago

Fantasy isn't really my genre but I think this is original, imaginative, and deserves a place on my WL. I like the prologue and think you set the scene extremely well. Starred generously and on my WL for further reading. Good luck with this.

kenny hill wrote 745 days ago

An interesting beginning. Interesting, because of the peculiar style you've adopted. The prologue, written in a vaulting, semi-biblical tone, bends strongly to the narrators voice. Spoken in quasi- journalistic syntax, it sounds like a judgement being pronounced. Perhaps that was the plan. After all, the opener is highly portentious, and Chaos, presumably, isn't to be treated lightly. But for me, it sounded a little stiff. A little stilted. I might expect to read such writing in the decision of a court case. But here, in the land of Fantasy, despite the darkness, there has to be a willingness to understand the reader.

Some further editing, perhaps ?

celticwriter wrote 747 days ago

Hi Jenna, simply rebacking your very interesting journey.
blessings,
jim

monicque wrote 750 days ago

Yikes! I was scared to read after the first sentence!! But I did read on.
Well done. I liked the short chapters. I read the first three, because I don't have time for much more at the moment.
Thank you for messaging me, and asking me to read your work. Thanks for sharing. :)
I have rated and backed your work.
Monicque.

M. A. McRae. wrote 750 days ago

You have an extremely good story here, related by Chaos, who is the enemy of Order in the place of Existence. The children quickly come to life in our minds, and we care about what happens.
Those are the good things. Here is what I think you need to work on, and note that each opinion you get is only that - one person's opinion.
First, choose a tense - past tense is best because it is easiest to do, and easiest to follow. Then stick to it without exception. Wandering tenses are a real flaw in a piece of writing.
Second, you need to tighten up on the organisation of the story. eg, in Ch 2, you speak about the children's circumstances, missing mother etc, and then repeat it in the next chapter. At 101,000 words and incomplete, it will only help the story if you chop out repetition. So many say that a first novel should not be too long.
Third, I was impressed with the first chapter, as I saw no errors, but quite a lot of errors creep in from the second chapter on. eg. Ch 3, 'shall' for 'shawl' and 'retched' for 'reached.' You need to do a lot of editing.
But again, remember what I said at the very beginning. This story has tremendous promise.
To be backed just as soon as I have a space free. Marj.

Always bright wrote 757 days ago

Different way to start a book but must say cought my interest. I'm on the site to find good books and back my mother. So far am impressed. Have rated and WL for further reading.
Always J

Lucia13 wrote 764 days ago

I've read all 49 chapters and would have kept going if it were uploaded. Please, feel free to send me the last chapters if you'd like, or message me if you post them. First of all, you have natural talent. You should see the utter crap I wrote at your age. If you decide to pursue creative writing in college, perhaps I can lend you some knowledge-- especially if you live in the United States. You are right-- you do have an original story. I normally don't read in this genre, but I honestly haven't come across anything like this. I love it. I was so absorbed into your characters and I swear, half of the time, my stomach was in knots with worry over what would happen to Ana. It was just a really cool story. I loved how the psychology is wrapped into everything.

There is such innocence to your story, really, if you could breathe life into a virtue, your story did it! One of my favorite lines was at the end of Chapter 4, "...but innocence is a virtue that she is useless with." Gosh, I had to go back and read it several times because it took my breath away. Ana is just so lovely and The Witch...frighteningly powerful. Like ying-yang in a person.

The whole order-chaos thing is phenomenal. I LOVED that Chaos was telling the story. It was so clever and his little asides as I was reading were delightful. Also, so witty was the idea of having the kingdom be named "Existence."

To me, this was almost like an inside-out fairy tale. It also has this steam punk flare to it, as all of the scenes I visualized in shades of brown and gray, except for the ones that Kaspar was in-- his scenes were green.

I loved the references to stars, and eye color. I'm all over the place with this review, really, I should sleep on it and collect my thoughts on it for a night, but I'm so glad I read it, I'm just bursting. And now, I'm left with them stuck on the island and I'm wondering how they'll get off.

I love your short pitch, but would like to see a snappier long pitch. If I was any good at them, I'd help.

I did find a few grammar corrections here and there, and I'll message them to you. It was all very minor things and nothing blaring, just the sort of things all writers do while they're typing. I'd also suggest having it proofed for commas, but, again, even some of the best writers on this site argue over comma placement, so, to me, it is subjective. Really, a lovely story that I was so glad to read. This is an easy full 6 stars.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 771 days ago

Jenna,
What a way to start a book with Chaos himself playing anchorman, giving away the backstory with the irrefutable authority he wields. Your descriptive prose in "Order and Chaos" proceeds in a stately manner carrying your reader on a journey fraught with twists and surprises. Anaxandra and Prince provide an interesting dyanmic to the story that completely won me over to their cause.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

briantodd wrote 772 days ago

Energetic and imaginative tale which is bubbling with ideas and interest. My own view is that your decision to have the God, Chaos as the tales narrator weakens the structure. Why would a God be interested in these human characters? Why not keep the narrator hidden from the reader ? A lot of your work is directly inspired by the mythology of Ancient Greece. 'Greek Myths' by Robert Graves might provide further inspiration for you.

Stephanie L. Prater wrote 779 days ago

I like the narrative voice and you clearly have a fabulous imagination. The idea of having Chaos herself tell the story was very intriguing and one of the reasons I'm backing this! You've got an interesting concept all together. My only concern was that it's narration heavy. I'd consider balancing it out with more engaging action and dialogue, especially since it's Ya. What do you think?

P.S. Just throwing this out there, but when my manuscript was reviewed by Harper Collins after it won a contest on another website, Harper Collins said in the review that YA works over 100,000 words are a concern. It effects the pace. You tend to write more lesiurely (or I do) and the length is felt more by younger readers... Just something to think about.

tricia_d wrote 780 days ago

First off, you’ve got a great story here and I like your unique way of telling it. Please don’t let my nitpicky comments detract from this- I only want to point out certain elements you may want to look at to make your story even better. As we both know, it’s hard to proofread your own work- readers tend to find problems in my story I’ve overlooked even after reading it a million times.

Prologue: You might receive some criticism from others on the site about the sins of “telling vs. showing.” I happen to like the setup here- it’s like sitting in front of a fire and listening to a good storyteller. You’ve painted a world riddled with danger and intrigue, so this makes me want to read more.

Chapter One: You do a great job explaining the world you’ve built, but you could probably get away with weaving these elements into the story as you go. Your dialogue and descriptions are wonderful throughout the whole document. I found a couple minor grammatical issues, but everyone has these. For instance, in paragraph 7, their should be they’re. In para 8, “Mom isn’t coming back yet get it…” (split it into two sentences.) And: "Ana watch..." should be "Ana watched...".
My favorite character so far is Ana. You’ve done a good job turning her into a sympathetic character. I feel sorry for her and can feel her hunger as my own. Great tension as she contemplates stealing food, but your mention of Noralie’s blindness kind of pulls me from the story- this is another place where you might want to weave this fact into the story in a different way. You’ve already established yourself as the narrator, so it’s OK to step back and let the story unfold.

Chapter Two: I like Gueneviva. I found a little intermixing between the use of past and present tense, but for the most part, this chapter flows well.

Chapter Three: Your description of Kaspar leads me to believe he will be a pivotal character in this story. I LOVE the line “…lacking the sight to recognize it and the spark to ignite it.” Beautiful descriptions in this chapter.

Overall, I like your style of writing and I think you bring a unique voice to the story. I’m anxious to see how you tie all these compelling characters together, so I will continue to read and comment as I go. For now, I can say, "well done." This is quite impressive so far.

Karin O wrote 781 days ago

Hey Jenna! Nice hat by the way! I've really been enjoying this so far! I can't wait to find out the ending! :D I really love Chaos' point of view too. Very well written!
-Karin O

CMTStibbe wrote 783 days ago

Order and Chaos by Jenna Lynn McMahon

A very intriguing Prologue about the Histories of Before, The monument of St. Kaspar, harsh movements and the possibilities of a boy and a girl meeting. I am definitely coming back to read a few chapters of this fascinating premise. In the meantime, I have starred it highly. The style of writing is crisp and fast paced and I am longing to find out what happens to these children.

Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

celticwriter wrote 786 days ago

Hi Jenna, how could anyone NOT want to read the work of a woman unafraid to wear a Wicked hat? :-) Looking forward to reading your work. On Watchlist for now.

sincerely,
jim

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