The Brotherhood of the Sword: The Call of the One

Alright, time for a Worldbuilder's crit. Whatever I say you are free to ignore, pinch bits of, or utilize in whatever way you see may help your labour of love.

ONE

The opening is good content wise, but writing-wise it's weak. For one thing, your commas are misplaced. Also, there's no atmosphere. 'A bad part of town'- for all that means! You're promising a great tale, immerse me in your world. The other thing was that the description is isolated- to give it meaning you need to give me the character's insight. So what if the moon was rising- is this good? Does the stranger hiss because he'll be seen? What's he risking coming to this side of town at this hour? It doesn't need to be an essay, but just a glimpse into the character's thoughts.

'All the elders watched'- this threw me. Where are they watching from? Doorways? A crystal ball? Again, you've given me their insight, which is good ('they knew his type') but because I'm not really connecting with them it's lost on me.

'looking as if he did not care'- show me more detail? 'He walked as if in the market at midday; a casual pace, not even bothering to check what could be following. A naive fool...'

'glanced over the brim'- if he's wearing his hat the brim of the hat is over his eyes. So he can't gaze over something above his eyes!

Okay, this opening should be cracking- it's got action and suspense. But there's no suspense! You broke into this so manner of factly it lost all impact it should have. I'd like more build up, more mystery. I can see you've done omniscient point of view (which is perfectly fine), but at the start I'd like more weight to be given to the stranger. Does he know the risk he's taking? Also, describe the area- dark streets? No lamps? Gangs hanging on corners? Smoky atmosphere? Stray cat munching garbage? The smell? The sounds? More immersion into the world! Connect us with the stranger's senses, so we know what's going through his head when he's about to be mugged.

'in a gory fashion'- weak! Give me details- severed intestines, torn muscle and skin flaps, oozing guts, pouring blood- go for it!

'...were heard'- this is passive voice for what definitely is NOT a very passive scene! 'He heard the voices of the soldiers. Damn- he hadn't expected a patrol to come by so swiftly. Time to make a move...' You need to tell me what's running through the character's mind.

Okay the ending to this again didn't compel me to read on. You have a brilliant concept- newcomers walks through bleak town area, commits a 4-man murder without so much breaking a sweat, and escapes, leaving those who find the bodies in terror. But to make this knockout, you've got to go back and flesh it out. More description of the town, more character insight for the stranger, and more visceral reactions (stomach knotting, sweating, heart pounding etc, maybe not so cliche) to make the reader sit up and think 'Whoa'.

TWO
You repeat the word blade- it's not needed the second time. 'The light blue longsword curved at a slight angle, bearing a brilliant white steak along its edge.'

'He was young and fit'- boooring! Show us- let him practice some strikes, show his agility/ strength/ etc, and then tell us how he earned his rank.

'crystal blue eyes'- very cliche, I see it all the time in published books. You have something even better to compare to: 'as blue as the ribbon that adorned his sword hilt.'

'that just swept'- do we really need to know the trajectory of the wind? Simply: 'His shoulder-length black hair blew in the open air of the castle courtyard.

Hmm, again this sibling rivalry, you could up the ante by being less 'describe the characters' and more 'show what the characters are doing and thence how they react to one another'. So:

'Across the ring Jerrod was frowning, gripping his own blade tight. Raven smirked; always the tough guy, his brother. But no matter how strong his younger sibling proved, he had yet to beat Raven in a fight...'

We're inferring what Jerrod is like through the filter of his brother, rather than you stepping in with labels saying who's who. It comes across more natural.

'He blew a kiss'- rather an odd gesture between brothers? But it might be customary in your world...

'the match quickly turns for the worse'- watch your tense. Up til now you've written in the past, so stick with it.

'where left'- you mean 'were left'

'died a slow painful death'- I'm yawning here. Not very original is it?

'was crown Queen'- was crowned Queen.

'the present was the most...' you don't need this. Just 'The Queen shook the past from her head.' Tells us all we need to know.

Okay...I'm torn here, really. Your story is fantastic- great characters and an intriguing plot. But the sparse description, lack of character insight, and somewhat padded out prose is letting down what is promising to be a real fantasy epic!

What I would suggest:

1. Get us into the character's heads more. Tell me what they're thinking. Also, show me how the characters relate to one another through their interactions. Rather than 'His brother hated him.' Develop their reactions, too, so we feel like we know them.

2. World-build more. Give me a taste of what life is like in your exotic new kingdom. Use it to help build atmosphere and tension. And relate the description to the characters.

3. Have another read (you'll be sick of it, I know) and tighten the prose. Strip out unnecessary words but still keep the meaning of your sentences.

4. Various spelling/ grammar nitpicks that we all make.

You have a magical tale here waiting to be told- let your writing do it justice! As with all things, practice makes perfect, so keep at it!

good luck and all the best

Sam241

Hi,
It moves with a relentless pace. However, a bit more work required, to ease out some of the crinkles. Chapter 3, second paragraph, you inexplicably change tense, from past to present, which throws a simple reader like me. Keep your tenses constant. I see they're drinking coffee ? Why not. It makes a change from rum or ale. Good pace, though sometimes I think it's so fast, it trips over itself. What is this world like ? The great fantasy writers create worlds with vivid description and quirky metaphors. Are the skies different from ours ? The rolling landscapes ? The smells of the tavern, the stink of the town ? I miss this, and I think a lot of readers want a good earthy feel of the world you're sharing with us

Regards,

Kenny

What I think might help most would be to switch from omniscient 3rd to close 3rd. The reason is that the omniscient POV allows a vagueness to slip into many of the descriptions, along with a little too much easy knowledge for the reader. If you change to close 3rd, then only what that POV character knows can be in the text, making for a cleaner story.

Try an experiment -- take a single chapter and rewrite it using close 3rd. I bet you would be amazed at how much better it is!

Hi there, read the opening of The Brotherhood and have left some thoughts, which I hope prove useful, and remember, are just my opinion. The basic opening is a good one, but is marred by overuse of adverbs and repetition. The syntax is also a little off. You may think I’ve been a tad harsh in my critique, but my intention is to help turn a promising book into a fabulous one. Good luck.
Pitch:
The long pitch is fine, giving an outline of what is to come. The short pitch is somewhat lacklustre and needs to be sharper. It’s the first thing a reader on authonomy will see, when browsing for something to read.

Part One.
The opening paragraph opens the story well, but is marred by unnecessary adverbs, repetition and wordiness: The moon was rising over the distant mountains, when a stranger (completely) dressed in black, walked down a cold, dank street in a bad part of town. All the elders watched him (particularly) (close), (they) knew his type and (they) knew he did not belong there. (He had too regal of a manner,) but he did not seem to care (that he was surrounded by filth).
I would suggest restructuring along the lines of: The moon was rising over the distant mountains, when a stranger dressed in black, walked down a cold, dank street in a bad part of town. All the elders watched him closely; they knew his type and knew he did not belong there. His manner was too regal, yet he didn’t seem to care that he was surrounded by filth.
To break this down: the 1st bracketed word is an adverb. Adverbs should only be used when necessary. You’ll notice I’ve omitted it. By simply saying the stranger was dressed in black, the reader will assume he’s only wearing the one colour. The 2nd bracketed word, again an unnecessary adverb. The syntax of this sentence is also marred by the word “close.” This should be “closely” and although it’s an adverb, in this instance it’s necessary to indicate the scrutiny of the elders and is sufficient to describe their anxiety. The following bracketed word of “they” does not need to be repeated, as I’ve demonstrated. I’m not suggesting that you use my version of your writing word for word, it’s merely an example of how to get round adverbs and repetition.
Repetition & pov: A local gang of thugs found this (man) interesting. .. The (man) looked harmless. .. This would be too easy, (they thought). Since the reader already knows about the MC, the use of the words “this man” is unnecessary, especially since you start the next sentence with “The man”. I suggest replacing “this man” with “him.” This would be too easy, they thought. How can we know what they’re all thinking, and is it likely they’d all be thinking exactly the same? I would suggest having one of the thugs vocalising this, ie: ‘This’s is gonna be easy,’ one of them whispered – something along those lines.
(Quickly) three of them surrounded him. Another adverb that’s not needed. Just: Three of them surrounded him. The reader will assume, since these thugs are up to no good, that they moved quickly.
...as he (slowly) lowered his hands. Lowering something is usually a gradual movement, so there’s no need for the adverb.
He then (gently) placed the bluish blade on his shoulder... The word “placed” indicates that he didn’t whack or slam the blade onto his shoulder, so again no need for the adverb.
Syntax: The one eyed man looked on in horror as (that) blade – as (the) blade...
The bodies slid (slowly) apart (into two pieces, in a gory fashion.) The word “slid” indicates the slowness of the bodies falling apart, so no need for the adverb, which you already used anyway in the previous paragraph. It’s obvious, without saying, that the bodies would separate into 2 pieces, no need to state it. The same with – in a gory fashion – this is implied. Better to describe the goriness than just state that it was gory. For instance: guts, entrails and blood spilled out.. . Show, not tell. The reader needs to “see” this event.

'The Brotherhood of the Sword' is a fantasy tale of two brothers, Raven and Jerrodd, abandoned at birth, who grow up in a royal household. They are very different and Jerrodd is jelous of Raven's easy superiority. He plots with Lord Dragon, a rebellion is started and Raven and Queen Uness are forced to go on the run. The tale actually starts with Raven's return, seeking retribution with his flashing sword which slices his enemies in half. The whole tale flows along at a fast pace. The component parts of a quality moral fable are in place but I think the author has to work more on characterisation and motivation of his principles. Queen Uness to me should have been above the drinking exploits and fighting in the second chapter. What sort of example is that for a queen to set her people?

can I use this as my long pitch this is an area I have always had trouble with

Hi.

Just a few observations. Please understand, I am in no way qualified to ctitique, but I'll do my best.

Like a lot of High Fantasy on this site, there are strong echoes of the traditional sword and sorcery style of literature - advocated ( if not created ) by elder statesmen such as Robert E Howard, H P Lovecraft, et al. This seems to be a fairly constant theme, and one which you have, I think, chosen to emulate, whether unwittingly or not.
The story moves along at a fair pace. There could I think be more fluidity, and the dialogue was a little stilted. Then again, even modern masters of Fantasy seem to lend this approach, which seems to be a trademark for this genre, I dare say, a legacy of Tolkein. However, I thought the dialogue could be tighter, and possibly a little subtler - Raven could talk with more irony when addressing his brother, though you made it clear the bitterness Jerrod felt, and you achieved that well.
A few points, for your consideration ; in the preamble, you refer to the ' bad part of town'. Needless mention, for the reader can ( and should ) guess this from the narrative ets. Show, not tell...blah..blah...
' Regal of a manner' should be regal manner ; would the Queen - even one as familiar as she is with the protagonist - say 'damned'. This jarred with me, and suddenly this character lost credibility ; the word bonny, I think, should be boney.
I couldn't read it all, but will do so over the course of the next few days. On the whole, a good rattling story, steeped in the strong traditional High Fantasy genre. A bit of twiddling here and there, a little tuning.
Best wishes

kenny

'The Brotherhood of the Sword' is a fantasy tale of two brothers, Raven and Jerrodd, abandoned at birth, who grow up in a royal household. They are very different and Jerrodd is jelous of Raven's easy superiority. He plots with Lord Dragon, a rebellion is started and Raven and Queen Uness are forced to go on the run. The tale actually starts with Raven's return, seeking retribution with his flashing sword which slices his enemies in half. The whole tale flows along at a fast pace. The component parts of a quality moral fable are in place but I think the author has to work more on characterisation and motivation of his principles. Queen Uness to me should have been above the drinking exploits and fighting in the second chapter. What sort of example is that for a queen to set her people?

I have read chapter 6 and I

was able follow and

understand the story:

The very first pagraph

introduces the topic well

with "... Lord Dragon ....

In his hand wa a bucket of

raw flesh...' - probably of

human being.

"why Zorn, is that fear I

hear in your voice?" -

typical of a Doom's Day

leader!

"Lord Dragon laughed ut loud

his voice echoing in the

large room ..." - typical of

hollows. It comes out well.


Yeah, from reading chpter 6,

your story works on a micro

level. It should works, I

guess, as well on the whole

chapter 2 thin bonny - thin bony?
chapter 3 nearest keen - nearest kin?

Read all that you have posted. This has the makings of a good YA fantasy story. If you read the Harper collins review on John Booth's Shaddowden book you will see exactly what a mainstream publisher is looking for.
Good luck wiht your writing.