Thyadia

I think you're off to a good start. You definitely have a good grip on the description aspect of storytelling--I could picture everything clearly in my mind. However, I'm having trouble figuring out if Thomas' story is the main story or if the main story is yet to come...maybe it's just me, but you might want to clarify that.

I saw some mix-ups with the possessives and the plurals (persons vs. person's, bots vs. bot's, etc.), but that's an easy fix. Also, your dialogue might become much more potent if you start a new paragraph with each change of speaker--for sure it will help the story read easier and clearer.

Other than that, you've got a great story ahead of you to write! I'm interested to see how it turns out. Happy writing!

Bek Mars--author of DarkStar

Hi thanks for taking the time to read and be truthful about my book, I don't understand how people can't criticise a rough draft of anything. Just wanted to point out, the scene where Jack uses the toilet is more relevent later in the story, as it shows Thomas being cautious for some reason, which pay's off later. The heavy use of dialogue tag's stems to me writing children's picture books, I forget to up the age level sometimes.lol
lastly I opted to share the information about what as happened in history as a way of showing that even though we (humans) made mistakes in the past, we still do not learn from them later in the book. As for the other details I'm always glad when people point out small mistakes, it helps with the second draft.

Kind Regards Ryan

I thought this started very well. I don't usually like a preface in a novel, but this time it worked very well, drawing the readers attention into the book and making them want to read more. Chapter One also started very well, with subtle hints, such as the six fingers, the 25mph spped limit, and I particularly liked 'winter still in June'... Something is definately wrong, and you want to find out why.
After that however, I thought there were problems... I can see that you wanted to lead into the scene where Thomas was assaulted on the road, but I'm not sure that discussing Jacks need to use the toilet was the best way to do it. It might have been better employed filling in some background detail.
There was also a very heavy use of 'dialogue tags', (that is, he said, she said, Eliza chuckled, etc...) which isn't really required as for most of the time there are only two people speaking anyway. I'm also led to believe that it annoys editors, literary agents and publishers.
As the book progresses, you feel the need to fill in lots of over-detailed history... When I speak I don't feel the need to tell everyone I got the vote because of the Great Reform act of 1832, and neither should your characters. I think a lot of sci fi & fantasy writers get around this through adding a chronology as an appendix, or maps to the text.
There were also a few typo's - Eliza initially was described as a beautiful....women (instead of woman). The 'newly re erected GSK Pharmaceuticals' - Was that a re-erected building, or a newly reformed company.
Shortly before the chapters end, 'Cruising home with the road lit up....' is an incomplete sentence.

All in all, I thought this was promising, although it is still as you say only a 'rough draft'. It needs quite a lot of tightening up - which might reduce the word count substantially (no bad thing in itself).

R.W.,
I checked out you outstanding book, THYADIA. You have a real good book on your hands and I decided to back it. Please check out my novels DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, for your possible backing. Your help will be appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas