The Shout of the Phoenix

The Shout of the Phoenix.
By Joel M. Taveras E.


Without sounding too patronizing, I think that the book is very well written and laid out for that matter—A fascinating prologue, I must say.
You’ve put to paper a story with deep emotional issues for your main character, Angel Olmos who’s suffered a near death experience after the roadside accident.
He questions his way of life, the puppet of a father rich and influential enough to have a bearing on any future he has.
The scene in the hospital gives great clarity to the reader as Angel passes between life and death, pulled back by a vision of a somewhat lost friend, his eyes, his voice—they were definitely his!
Emphasis of the miracle is apparent when the doctors and staff agree to seeing no one or hearing any voice either.
The plane journey is a good Idea to bring out the story, the old man next to him on the flight, listening to Angel as he pours out the events of his life. The ten hour flight should be ample and relieve any boredom—the old man is a good listener any way, he’s willing to hear all, and Angel’s keen to tell.
A great story here, and quite a long one so I shall be coming back to it more than a couple of times, but come back I will…most intriguing!
Highly starred for now!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

This story is so powerful beyond words. Excellent writing, although a few typos, nothing truly major.
The style of this book is intensely unique, separating a story that spans over the course of many years and many parts of the world, the characters are quite interesting,however none compare to Angel and his near death experience, the introduction and the way the prologue is set up is a clever way to hook the reader. And boy was I hooked! I will actually finish this book because it has all the makings of a delightful and insightful summer read.

6 Stars !
Best,
Jeremiah Trevors.

SHOUT OF THE PHOENIX
This is a story written with a wonderful flowing writing style that includes a mixture of poetry and philosophy. I’m glad you reviewed what is a Phoenix at the beginning; I know people use that reference all the time but wasn’t rally familiar with the inside scoop on “rising like a Phoenix” meant (guess I should read less “chick lit”. Angel makes a good main character; the description of how he feels as he’s dying is very well written. I don’t quite understand why parts of each chapter are written in third person, but okay. It gave an overall perspective on things rather than just a story told from one side. A small thing: several times you use “weather” when the word should be “whether”. Either way, this is good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Dear Joel,
There's a poetic quality to your work. Are you a philosopher, or, are you merely an exceptional writer with the ability to hook and keep your reader?
Often i find it hard to stay with a story. I tell myself that maybe it'll all make sense in chapter two, but some of the time that's where i put it down. With the Shout of the Phoenix, in spite of some typos along the way, i couldn't leave it. The candid way you tell the story grabbed me, you made it come alive, with awesome descriptions of the characters' surroundings.
Very well done, very enjoyable.
Six stars and i wish i could give you more. I want to see you on my shelf for a while.Thanks for sharing.
Maria xxx
The Path to Survival

Love the introductory description of what a phoenix is. Love phoenix literature in general. This is a real epic and poetic novel from what I've read and to be taken seriously.

Quite a well-written beginning. The prose has a lyrical quality to it, and the imagery of the phoenix juxtaposed to the trials that humans must rise above is lovely. Angel's transformative journey should resonate with readers. Best wishes with this and all your endeavors.
Kate

Great book ... gave it high stars ... gotta say you're a very good writer, and the introduction was fantastic. Though its not my kind of book i have to recognize it is well constructed, and i must get to the ending to give it a proper review. But so far so good ... Best, Evie (The Order of the Phoenix)

Return read:

this book is awesome! i meant to only peruse whiile making minor notes but i got sucked into Angel's journey and needed to find the answers with him...

this book reminds me a lot of Kate LaRue's Fade (see my shelf for link), I think you should read that, you'll probably love it as much as I do :)

highly starred - thanks for inviting me to read

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Lucette thank you so much for your comment !

Hi Joel,
Though it's been more than three months that I've read your book, I remember I liked the story. Today, I chose a random chapter to read, and it's 50 (48).

Your writing style is fluid, unrestricted and descriptive. I also found the dialogue parts well structured.

This city had been his home for years, and with no time it would be but a mere setting in which his soul learned to evolve and grow. (I loved this line).

6 stars remain for this strong story...
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Joel, There are some strong comments here, but I loved this book. I think sometimes when we write a lot we tend to read something as a writer and not a reader. I am not saying folk are wrong and yes there are some minor editing issues, but take a pat on the back. the way you have mixed the written word with poetry and delivered it in this manner is really cool. I liked this a lot and will be scoring it high.
Sean Connolly British Army on the Rampage. (BAOR)

Hi Joel, I checked out chapter 4 (5 on here). You have a talent for telling a story, I like the way you present the flashback in the story that tells Angels story. The dialogue is good and it is clear you have put a lot of work into this. I enjoyed the read, I like characters who seem good but also have a dark side, I may return (when I get chance) to see if I can find the good side of him. Good Luck with this book.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

Hi Joel,
I just came across your book while I was searching an interesting book to read. Here are my comments;

Your first person voice is flawless and obviously you're a talented wordsmith. The pace is timely and I liked the opening paragraph...it was strong.

The transition of life and death, as well as the angelistic approach is reflected in an authentic manner.
I gave you 6/6 stars and wish you a lot of success with THE SHOUT of the PHOENIX.

Lucette Cohen Fins- Ten Deep Footprints

This book has a poetry all of its own. Though it is not my style of book I found it on the whole well written and well paced.
I would suggest you relook at chapter one again where you have several times mixed up your past and present tenses.That is nit picking on my part but it will help it to flow better.
Those and a few missing words in chapter two will all be ironed out in the editing stage.
Good Luck
Owen Dorr.

Tod thank you so very much for your suggestions ! And for taking the time to read my tale ...

Best,

Joel

This is an intriguing tale! I found myself compelled to read on as I tried to grasp the story, so clearly you're doing something right! It has a hypnotic rhythm to it that works quite well.
Critique-wise, if I was to work on just one thing it would just be to carefully line edit for errata, as I found quite a few. All chippy stuff, but they add up:
Chapter one: "Weather a person believes..." should be WHETHER a person believes...
Weather read in bokos see in movies or hear... should be WHETHER read in books SEEN in movies or HEARD...
"do on to others" should be "do unto others"
Chapter two:
he wont be able should be WON'T be able
"the older man sitting next to him was chatter..". should be something, but I'm not sure what you meant by chatter here.
"As I was crossing the street in Spring st..." should b AT Spring St.
"detaching itself form..." should be FROM
"the monitor loose it's pulse" should be LOSE it's pulse.
Those were just the first ones I stumbled upon, so my guess is there's probably lots more to fix. As I said, chippy stuff, but lots of it. Worth fixing, for sure, as once those are out of the way the rest is really good stuff.
Best of luck with this!
And if you have any interest in children's literature, please do visit the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Interesting book so far. I have only read a brief portion for now. Will certainly have another look at it as time permits. Just wanted to say it appears to be well written and you do a good job in the beginning couple of chapters that I have read.

Regards,
Walt

I have read the prologue and first chapter of "The Shout of the Phoenix" and I can confirm what some other reviewers have said about this book having some poetic writing. Particularly as Angel transcends toward Heaven (presumably), leaving his body behind, the writing is very strong and descriptive, with passages like "I could not sense or hear anything for all that I knew was that I was one with the clouds, an essence..." This is nicely done.

That said, this still does seem to be a piece in the early stages, still requiring editing and revision. It's interesting, but I would love to see it with more polish.

Here are some areas I might consider thinking about and revising:

1) The introduction. Is it actually necessary? Perhaps. It's not bad, really, but my question would be if what is said here really adds on to the story and how? The description/explanation of the phoenix is done well here, and even though I already knew about the phoenix, I imagine other readers might appreciate the refresher.

2) There seems to be too much going on. I wanted to get into the actual story, but between the introduction, the italicized scenes on the plane, and the poem, it just seemed to be very cluttered. I would consider what scenes/thoughts are vital to getting the main story across, and pare down a bit more. I'm not saying get rid of the three parts I mentioned, but that the three of them together seem to be blocking the complete enjoyment of the story.

3) I hate to say this, but I feel I have to. The near-death experience at the beginning is well done, but in terms of stories, it's quite frankly been done already, and often quite well. The problem when one writes a scene that's been done many times is that it might tend to be cliche. The poetic nature of your writing does help the scene stand out a bit, but I do think you could do more to make yours more special. More detail would be great, perhaps of the accident, maybe especially of the man who called the narrator back. (There's also the option of cutting the scene and starting later, but I have the feeling that this scene will be required reading for what lies ahead.)

4) Editing is a must here. I wouldn't focus on editing until after you've had time to do some serious soul-searching and rewriting, and you are totally happy with the story you've produced. However, when you're completely happy, fix up any errors (but maybe fix up the first few sections now so they shine.)

Some errors I noticed:

--the misspelling of "lose" as "loose"

--Lucky for him, the old man next to him was a chatterer (not "chatter")

--Comma splices like the one in "After my spirit drifts upward..." That comma really should be a period. (There are other comma splices; watch for them.

There are some interesting and promising points to this beginning, but I'd like to see a more polished, more focused version of this. Please let me know if you make changes.

Daniel RIder
"Indian Summer"

One thing that is unmistakable is your passion for your story, and from what I read it is a story with a definite potential in its genre. Nevertheless, it is still a work in progress.

{The Shout of the Phoenix} – Joel M Taveras E
I read the prologue and first two chapters, and must say I was touched by the spiritual flair of your writing. I like the premise and you engage the reader with your protagonist’s thoughts and spirituality.

The symbolic use of the ‘phoenix’ is terrific, and highlights some of the themes you explore – to do with the cycle of life, growth, death, rebirth.. Also reminds me of some parts of my book, because I use fire symbolically also!

The poetic touches to finish the chapters off are very nicely done, and add something unique to your writing.
I hope to return for more soon. Best of luck with this!
Thanks so much for your comment on my book, it means a lot to me that you enjoyed what you read!

Cara
‘The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction’

----
p.s. here are some more detailed editorial notes I made, hope they will be useful to you! All humble suggestions of course, so feel free to take or leave anything!

Prologue

First line, do you mean ‘they were only the settings of events in my life that forced me to look at things quite differently’? not sure the sentence just confused me a little.

I’d full stop and say; ‘500 years. Eventually that fire consumes ::the:: bird and it is burned until it ::turns to:: ashes.’

‘whether’ not ‘weather’

Chapter 1

I’d remove some of the ellipses in opening para perhaps, so as not to overdo the effect?

I’d have comma and ‘the meaningless, never-ending love affairs’

comma and I’d say; ‘It was a beautiful and sunny fall day, and as I walkd the streets, I could not help….’ → removes repetition of ‘day’

Perhaps ‘looking down I see my immobile body in a hospital bed, my eyes open and my :breath: gone’ (not ‘breathe’, it is the verb)

‘heaven’, I think needs capitalization?

Comma; ‘spirit merge with my body, and before I could even think twice…’ also ‘merging’ with the clouds, perhaps another verb instead of ‘merging’ to eliminate the repetition of ‘merge’?

Chapter 2

‘Days later I came out’ I’d have as the start of a new para, as this one is quite long and the focus shifts

‘The person I thought…’ this is quite long, perhaps split/punctuate the sentence more?

Perhaps ‘I was shocked to find my body intact as if nothing had happened. Released from the hospital, I was surprised….’ Thoughts?

Commas; ‘Kathleen, my better half, was in shock…’

Perhaps ‘Kathleen ::prepared:: for her trial’, got ready a little clumsy?

Hi Joel,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth and disregard what you disagree with.
Overall Impression: I like this a lot. It might have more of a select audience, but for those who do enjoy this kind of read (like myself) will get a real treat.
Prologue
Ellipses are three dots, not four.
I think there’s some inconsistency here, or there needs to be clarification. The narrator says he/she has not changed, then says there’s a transformative change. Yet, “transformative” is a form of transform, in which at its roots means to change in some way. So how has he/she not changed? Also, how is “transformative change” different from saying “transformation?” Might just be me. I may not be getting some terminology that’s essential to understanding this opening.
“Phoenix bird” is a little redundant, and bird is unneeded since you explain that a Phoenix is a bird in the next paragraph.
“eventually that fire consumes…” This part needs to be a new sentence. Otherwise, it’s a run-on with two independent clauses connected by a comma.
The ellipse after “ashes” should also be a period, followed by a new sentence. I would suggest dropping these ellipses. They serve more as a distraction than anything else here.
“From those ashes” needs to be followed by a comma, as it’s a subordinate clause
“mortal human” is also a little redundant. Is there such thing as an immortal human?
This is very deep stuff, and really interesting. I love reading these kinds of ideas. I could hope for a little more subtle sprinkling of these ideas rather than pulling the reader from a story by offering explanation, but it is fun to read and well written.
Chapter One
“never ending” should be hyphenated here, and “never-ending” and “meaningless” should be separated with a comma (sequences of adjectives should be separated by commas).
“never understood” I wonder if “misunderstood” might be a better word choice here.
Add a comma after “23”
Again, there’s a whole lot of explanation before getting to the actual story. I wonder if there’s a better way to structure it.
You use “day” twice in close proximity (same sentence). “The day was beautiful…” and “on this lovely fall day”
After “lovely fall day,” you need a period. Otherwise, it’s a run-on.
This is really a unique, well-thought-out story. I love this kind of writing—deep and prompting heavy thought. My biggest suggestion is to polish the grammar and prose and to reassess parts of the structure. Not that I would change the structure, it’s excellent. I just wonder if it takes a bit too long to get to the story. It’s a balancing act, for sure, and I’m not sure I have the solution to it. This was just an impression upon reading the prologue and first chapter. Obviously, you’re more of an expert of your story than I am, so there might be a very good reason you chose to do this.
All that said, I really do enjoy this. Your writing is clear and philosophical in almost a lyrical way. Very captivating.
Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

The Shout of the Phoenix.
By Joel M. Taveras E.


Without sounding too patronizing, I think that the book is very well written and laid out for that matter—A fascinating prologue, I must say.
You’ve put to paper a story with deep emotional issues for your main character, Angel Olmos who’s suffered a near death experience after the roadside accident.
He questions his way of life, the puppet of a father rich and influential enough to have a bearing on any future he has.
The scene in the hospital gives great clarity to the reader as Angel passes between life and death, pulled back by a vision of a somewhat lost friend, his eyes, his voice—they were definitely his!
Emphasis of the miracle is apparent when the doctors and staff agree to seeing no one or hearing any voice either.
The plane journey is a good Idea to bring out the story, the old man next to him on the flight, listening to Angel as he pours out the events of his life. The ten hour flight should be ample and relieve any boredom—the old man is a good listener any way, he’s willing to hear all, and Angel’s keen to tell.
A great story here, and quite a long one so I shall be coming back to it more than a couple of times, but come back I will…most intriguing!
Highly starred for now!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

This story is so powerful beyond words. Excellent writing, although a few typos, nothing truly major.
The style of this book is intensely unique, separating a story that spans over the course of many years and many parts of the world, the characters are quite interesting,however none compare to Angel and his near death experience, the introduction and the way the prologue is set up is a clever way to hook the reader. And boy was I hooked! I will actually finish this book because it has all the makings of a delightful and insightful summer read.

6 Stars !
Best,
Jeremiah Trevors.

Rough, very rough, as in lots and lots of errors. As far as the story, a privileged man questions his excessive lifestyle as it's taken away, which one might relate to if they also had a trust fund, which I don't. I made it to Chapter 11. My advice: continue to write, hone your skill, and revisit this later.

SHOUT OF THE PHOENIX
This is a story written with a wonderful flowing writing style that includes a mixture of poetry and philosophy. I’m glad you reviewed what is a Phoenix at the beginning; I know people use that reference all the time but wasn’t rally familiar with the inside scoop on “rising like a Phoenix” meant (guess I should read less “chick lit”. Angel makes a good main character; the description of how he feels as he’s dying is very well written. I don’t quite understand why parts of each chapter are written in third person, but okay. It gave an overall perspective on things rather than just a story told from one side. A small thing: several times you use “weather” when the word should be “whether”. Either way, this is good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hello Joel, you have a very interesting, hard core book here, not my usual genre, however, I understand that some may truly relate to it. As I was reading I wondered what it was that compelled you to write a fiction such as this. I usually like to get into the mind of writers to discover the inspiration that compels them to write. Oddly, as a fiction, for some reason, I had to keep checking it to verify whether it really was a fiction novel. It resounded to me as being a Non Fiction - strange hey?

I want to congratulation you for putting this story together. You truly do emphasise
the struggle had by a gay man wanting to do right, wanting to live right, yet is torn between his desire of lust and his need for love. I usually don't focus on spelling errors, because they can be easily fixed, however, there were quite a few that I felt I should bring them up to you.

Breathe - should be breath - Chapter 1-3
Loose - should be lose - Chapter 1-3
Vane - should be vain - Chapter 2 or 3?
Safe - should be save - Chapter 4
Looser - should be loser - Chapter 4

All the best, Joel. Salwa. :)

Shout of the Phoenix. Sorry it's taken so long to get to your book. Your pitches promise an epic story.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits. Hope you dont mind -

Ch.1. An exploratory Prologue which sets the theme and provides a taste of your easy flowing style of writing.
Do you want nits?
Be careful to search out words repeated too close together and too often: that, people (Ch.2) knows, was, never.

And I think you mean 'whether a person believes or not...' and (Ch.2) your 'breath gone...'

There are some unnecessary words which can safely be deleted to improve the flow and emphasise the message: only, actually, (Ch.3) right.

Ch.2. So you had a near death experience ... they are so dramatic and life-changing - I can imagine! 'freedom and tranquility in every fibre of my being.' Great words, telling it all. And then the pull of a loved one's prayers.

Ch.3. Yes - it was God who brought you back - you still have work to do in this world, and I admire your stamina in completing your epic book. That's an interesting hook, too - the Diogenis relationship.
I like the way you end each chapter with a poem from the mysterious book, and you have given the structure of your story considerable thought.

There is much editing to be done, but your story is worth it, and we all have to edit and re-edit, and re-edit....
Multi-starred.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

Maria, thank you so much for taking the time to read TSOTP your review was splendid, i often do the same and really wanted to grab readers from the very start, thank you for letting me know i effectively did that with you. Means a lot and undoubtedly i will be looking at Path To Survival !

Best,
Joel

Dear Joel,
There's a poetic quality to your work. Are you a philosopher, or, are you merely an exceptional writer with the ability to hook and keep your reader?
Often i find it hard to stay with a story. I tell myself that maybe it'll all make sense in chapter two, but some of the time that's where i put it down. With the Shout of the Phoenix, in spite of some typos along the way, i couldn't leave it. The candid way you tell the story grabbed me, you made it come alive, with awesome descriptions of the characters' surroundings.
Very well done, very enjoyable.
Six stars and i wish i could give you more. I want to see you on my shelf for a while.Thanks for sharing.
Maria xxx
The Path to Survival

Bill thanks a million !
Joel

First I want to thank you, Joel, for backing "The Doctor of Summitville," especially now that it's in review after nearly three years on the site. There's still the danger of slipping off the editors' desk as other books rise, and you're helping me hold steady. Second, I want to say how much I've enjoyed and admired "The Shout of the Phoenix," which expresses Angel's life experiences so frankly and vividly. Some editing is needed, but the intensity of those experiences comes through with a powerful impact. I'll gladly back your book after keeping earlier promises. --Thanks again and best of luck, Bill

David a million thanks for reading and for the
Comment !
JT

Joel, this is lyrical, visionary writing that challenges and inspires. The search for meaning and purpose in life is universal subject matter with great potential. I did notice a typo in the prologue. it should be "do unto others" not "do on to others". But well done and high stars.
David

The prologue is the highlight for me. I admire your attention to detail. You described the Phoenix well. That made me turn the pages but I wasn't gripped as I was reading the mentioned. I am sure its a great story and with time I would read all

Love the introductory description of what a phoenix is. Love phoenix literature in general. This is a real epic and poetic novel from what I've read and to be taken seriously.

rikasworld : Thanks a million !

Love the introductory description of what a phoenix is. Love phoenix literature in general. This is a real epic and poetic novel from what I've read and to be taken seriously.

Beautiful, poetic...I love when writers give us their view on happens to a person when they die and what changes in their lives, and you paint it well. You created an intellectual adventure that relates to some of the darker aspects of life as well as finding a purpose...I love it.

Muntsi.. Thanks a million for your kind review, really glad
You enjoyed what you read thus far ;)
JT

Beautiful, poetic...I love when writers give us their view on happens to a person when they die and what changes in their lives, and you paint it well. You created an intellectual adventure that relates to some of the darker aspects of life as well as finding a purpose...I love it.

I did have chance to read your book and this is my feedback.
Love the tittles... could be seen as costantine with KEANUE REEVES...
Couples articles or dialogues missing but it is not huge and can be corrected.
reincarnation / spiritual touch / feeling ..love it...
an overall..well done work..you have written all the concept that nedeed. well done and wishing you all the best... x

Hi Joel-Great book! Read up to C3. Loved the prologue-one tiny error, at least I think it was an error-weather should be whether. Found your blurb on Egyptian mythology fascinating and love books that start with real legends or history. The phoenix is also a highly respected bird in Freemasonry as you probably know. Liked the dream-in the second chapter-very original. It kept me wondering how it will tie into the story later on. I think you are onto something here. Highly starred and highly recommended. Dina Rae

Hi Joel-Great book! Read up to C3. Loved the prologue-one tiny error, at least I think it was an error-weather should be whether. Found your blurb on Egyptian mythology fascinating and love books that start with real legends or history. The phoenix is also a highly respected bird in Freemasonry as you probably know. Liked the dream-in the second chapter-very original. It kept me wondering how it will tie into the story later on. I think you are onto something here. Highly starred and highly recommended. Dina Rae

A G Chaudhuri,

Thank you for taking the time to check the Phoenix out...Interesting how the "Like I did part" seems to resonate for many people as the appropriate closure for the prologue... will have to consider tweaking that. Really glad you enjoyed "Your Eyes" I know poetry is not for everyone. Again, thank you so much for your time and i do hope you read further, your positive review means a lot ! I'd say good luck to you but you are already at #1!! :) CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT!

Best, Jt

Dear Joel,

Here’s my review of ‘The Shout of the Phoenix’.
Great title and great cover followed by a very well written long pitch. The short pitch can be improved by keeping it short and direct, instead of mentioning all the things that can easily find their place in the longer version.

The prologue was good. The phoenix has always fascinated me as a symbol of regeneration. You’ve nicely linked the mythology with your story and ended it brilliantly with the stylish ‘Like I did’. The rest of the text that follows these three words felt rather redundant and may be accommodated in the next chapter for better effect.

Beginning of chapter 1, the italicised portion was in 3rd person, which was again quickly restored to 1st person in the very next paragraph. That got me a little confused with regards to the exact settings and sequence of events.

It took me a while to realise that the narrator was actually describing an NDE. Some of it may need to be worded more strongly, e.g. # spirit and soul have been used in the same context, # monitor loosing its pulse doesn’t sound too good, and # in spite of pitch black, silence and stillness, being able to see strangers trying to resuscitate the body felt contradictory. The ‘teardrop’ was an excellent touch – very dramatic and apt. And then, there was the absolutely soulful ‘Your Eyes’.

The writing is quite lucid and apart from a few typos, missing articles, etc. that can be easily corrected; there are no major errors. Your spiritual and metaphysical leanings are quite evident in your writing style that has a sublime and dreamlike quality. I look forward to reading the rest of this story. Best of luck with it.

My rating: 5 stars

Best regards,
AGC

Red2U,
Definitely come back ... Thank you for the complement, will have to check Illusions of Comfort soon! :)
Best,
Jt

Ashley,
As far as feedback goes I def welcome all feedback negative and Offcoarse positive..
The idea is to see others point of view and take all criticism as constructive ;)
Really glad you enjoyed the opening ;) and absolutely the whole book is uploaded .. Hope you can browse
So that you might fall a little in love with the rest of the story .. The beginning is certainly good but the ending
Is even more powerful and captivating .. Or at least I would like to pressure.
A million thank for your kind words !!!
Jt

THE SHOUT OF THE PHOENIX

I love the story of the phoenix in the beginning. So your book caught my eye. I love your opening. In general it works well, but I think a great hook would be to end on the note where you say, “Like I did...” This really compelled me to read on and for some reason the rest of your prologue lost momentum for me. BUT that’s all relative because it’s still good, I just think it’s REALLY strong ending on the “like I did” part. I didn’t ask you to swap reads and I don’t know what type of feedback you are looking for/if any so I’ll just watch list you for now. But I'll definitely be back for more. It's been awhile since a book on Autho has caught my eye quite like this one. 6 stars from me. Oh and out of curiosity have you uploaded the whole book?


Ashley

A true believer in re-incarnation I read the first 3 chapters. I love the part about the Phoenix. I think this book has great potential and have rated it well. I hope to get back to read more.
Cheers, Red
Illusions of Comfort

Eden thanks ...Poetry plays a big role in the story so very grateful you enjoyed it! And most importantly thank you for letting me know the introduction is effective :) That is what i was aiming for Thank you!

I stumbled across your book...don't remember how. But the opening. Oh boy it sucked me right in! The imagery of the phoenix was beautifully written. Well done! I loved that scene. It almost read like poetry.

Ash-THE SIREN'S HEART

Thanks you so very much Fran :) Powerful words... will do my very best to deliver exactly that and have my work live up to that ! Soon on list is TRAPPED!!

Dear Joel

This is writing on an epic scale, with heartfelt emotion and great candour. As others have suggested, there is room for an edit, nevertheless you have the makings of a wonderful tale.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Hey Kaal ...So pleased to hear you are liking it so far...especially when in the beginning the character is a bit...well as a previous reviewer described "not identifiable" so given your parallels to Angel I'm very pleased ..Further reading should prove more gratifying as the character does develop into a new person.. lets hope you can relate to him as well ha .. Yes i wrote all the poems, carefully making sure they matched the chapters and linked to the story ..Definitely working on polishing this and I'm glad you too like Paul Coelho..Veronica Decides to Die was powerful! Thank you very much for reading and a millions thanks for the comments !! I will very soon be reading yours.
Best,
Joel

Kia ora Joel,

Reading this was like reading my own life story - there are so many similarities... Therefore, I'm a little disturbed to read that another reader described the MC as unlikeable! I loved the poems - are they yours? I can see an influence of William Blake there...I also write poetry and got into Blake in a big way when I lived in Nepal.

Yes, there is a bit of polishing needed -but I don't know - I like the rawness of the writing -it seems more real, more personal this way. One typo you might want to see to: 'weather' should be 'whether' ;) I've read four chapters so far and enjoying it immensely - I too had a bit of a health scare very recently, so this seems like the universe conspiring (as Paulo Cuelho wrote) in a very nice way.

For what its worth -6 stars
And you'll be on my shelf very soon

Best wishes
Kaal Kaczmarek

Thank you Elle :) Well my main issue is with editing i really need an editor to look it over but i suppose the question is ..is the structure effective..? given it takes place in various countries and goes back and forward in time i still have that to work that out ..or not lol Hope you liked it Elle and Thank you so very much!!

I read the first 6 chapters and all the comments. I don't have a problem with first person– some of the greatest books are in 1st person, although romance editors often whine. I also didn't think the chapters were too short, especially compared with, say, James Patterson (or Diary of a Bad Housewife).

Overall, I am pleased to back it.