The Black Hole
My mother had said things to me that I had deeply latent in my mind for her words somehow correlated with Virginias. Virginia who I missed so much was gone and I felt an eternity would pass before I would see her again. I tried getting in touch with Fabio but he would not return any of my calls, nor my emails nor my messages.
With time I still had not found a job, despite my daily efforts to try and find the simplest job my reputation had extended to the worst of depths and the day of the eviction came sooner than I thought. My body began showing some strange rashes that were beginning to scare me, and after my visit with the doctors I was ready to learn of the diagnose…. “Mr. Olmos, please come in” the doctor tells me after I waited for about an hour, taking me to a small private office in the back.
I knew what this meant and as I walked I trembled in fear and anxiety.
“I regret to inform you this, but your body has been acting out due to its weak immune system, Mr. Olmos I regret to inform you this, but you are HIV positive.”
I did not react for at least a minute, I was shocked and felt even worse than I did when I had regained consciousness the day of the accident, for that was an external wound, this was an internal one and not knowing what to do next I ran from the Doctors office as soon as I could. I had taken a blood test a few days earlier like I always do, but I never expected this.
I got home and still could not react, and frankly I did not have time to do so, I have two hours to pack my things and get out of my apartment. I left it all behind, and by midnight I was out. The landlord would not hear of it of giving me a chance and simply told me to go. Though my lease was not up I had to give up my loft for it was now property of the government. It began to rain and pour like I’ve never witnessed before, I was standing there under the rain with one suit case, where would I go? A shelter? What would I do! I had acquired a terminal disease that would eventually kill me, I lost my apartment my home and all the money I thought I would inherit with my whole future breaking into pieces right before my eyes, mother was far away and could no longer advice me and give me words of wisdom, father was in prison and could not help me, Israel hated me with a passion, Fabio broke up with me over a God dam text message, my friends were gone, and my family name meant nothing anymore and no more doors could be opened thanks to it which made me feel like a nobody, invisible, like dust dissolving in the wind, like nothing. There under the rain, in the darkest of nights my soul kept on wondering what would I do with my life at this point, what direction to take? What path to follow? my soul no longer felt a void, it felt a deep black hole no one and nothing could fill up. I kept on wondering if this is why I came back after the accident, is this why I had survived?
To suffer even more than I ever had, alone and misguided I felt desperate and life as I knew it was over. Who to turn to after this? What to do…..
Desperate and in the brink of madness I was quickly loosing balance and slowly losing any sanity left.
I could not stop crying and it was just so cold, I was hungry and tired scared and alone. It wouldn’t stop raining and I could not take it anymore. I was in a corner near my old apartment and tried to wait for the rain to pass, still with my suitcase sitting on the steps of an unknown house I tried to figure out what to do next, but my mind was blank and all I could do was stare at the falling water. I saw no way out of this black hole I was in, I felt drowning in my sorrow and never felt so defeated as I did that night, so desperate was I that I took a cab to the nearest bridge, which was the Queens Borough. I got off the cab leaving my suitcase behind, I ran to the bridge under the rain and just stood there observing the water and looking at the moon. I ran out of the cab towards the center of the bridge. In sorrow, in a state of weakness and self pity I thought of the worst.
There in the bridge I wondered, had I self destructed? Had I brought this upon myself? Was Israel right? Was I a dark sinner who God was punishing?
Suddenly the rain stops, now is only drizzles and drops and I stand there alone in the bridge, looking at the water as if for consolation to end my inner turmoil and torment, suddenly all these thoughts came to my mind, the truck accident, and my profound curiosity to try and understand why was I back here? For a mission? For simple coincidence? Why had everything turned so dark? Why so many packed events?
I looked at the reflection the water beneath me showed and it was a clear picture of defeat, failure, loss and pain. This pain knows no end, I feel alone, misguided, and trapped. Like a scorpion, I had self destructed…. Destroyed by my own venomous lust. I know in the depths of the ocean I can find relief. Water is meant to purify and cleanse, I may not be forgiven but I must take the only path I have left and as I looked at the water before I leaped Virginia’s words came rushing to my head,
“Life is full of choices, full of paths and directions, it is up to us to choose the right one, and if there is pain or sadness or discomfort then you’re not in the right path nor have you taken the correct direction, re examine your life and fill that void with a purpose that will give you all the answers you need to be happy”
I took a step back and wondered if she was right, I wondered if this was the right path to take, from a promiscuous sex addict to an alcoholic, drug addict, and now suicide?
I may be many things but above all I was raised a Catholic and this is something Christ would condemn me for…along with all the other self indulgent sins. I questioned if this was the right direction, escaping life itself. I looked again at the water and at myself standing in this bridge wondering, am I really going to do this? and Virginia’s words kept
interfering with my thought process as well as my mother’s words, “trust in your path and in the flow of life, Angel, I know things seem difficult now, but I know you will find your path and you will rise above it, God will not abandon you…if you don’t abandon him…this is only a test, use it well to prove yourself to our creator, everything happens for a reason.”
If I jump I know for a fact I will be abandoning him.
Were they right? Am I being a coward for taking the easy way out? If this was just a test, then why so hard? Why had my life turned upside down, or so I kept on questioning. Why was I trapped in an hour glass of slowly moving sand?
What was the point of going forward if I had lost absolutely everything I had and left with nothing? How can you be at the top of the ladder and suddenly within instants be so beneath it you can’t even explain how you got there?
After careful consideration and trying to figure out if what these two women who I love said is true, I stepped back and looked at the moon, the moon was full and beautiful, and every night I looked at her hoping she would give me answers and I realized I was being a coward and that life was getting hard, but that I deserved it for the irresponsible life style I led. After all, I was born in a golden crib and raised as the heir to a powerful inheritance, fucked almost every guy in New York and snorted so much cocaine I’m surprised I’m still alive. It seemed like the treatment from life I deserved - the wakeup call I needed to look at the reality of things.
Standing there I realized I had a choice, to jump and end it all like a coward in disgrace, or gracefully embrace the life carved before me.
And so…I make my choice…
I choose to make it till the end
I choose to not quit
I choose to stay here to try as hard as I can
I choose to do my very best
I choose be the strongest I can be
I choose not to be destroyed
I choose to fight
I choose to move forward
I choose to succeed
I choose to make it to the top
I choose to be invincible
I choose to let nothing block my way
I choose to let nothing get in my path
I choose to do this
This is only a passing moment … Nothing lasts forever
In the end, only the strong survive
Look around, this is little compared to what others go through
I choose to be undefeatable
I choose to be unbreakable
I choose to survive and stay alive.
I choose to Honor the gift God gave me.
So I walked away from the bridge wondering what had possessed me to do such a thing. I walked randomly with no direction for I just wanted to wash the pain out, it kept on raining but I didn’t care… I let the water cover me, what did I care. I walked all the way up to Columbus Avenue, all I remember Is that it was about 6am and I did not have my suitcase, that my clothes were wet and that it must have been the longest night of my life but at least the rain had stopped and the sun was almost out. I sat by the stairs in the Metropolitan Opera House, and I could not help but fall asleep. I don’t know why I ended up there, maybe I walked until I fatigued.
When I opened my eyes it was night time. A rush of people were coming down the steps out of the Opera House, everyone looked so elegant and fabulous, a group of people stampeding out of the Opera house in Versace, Hugo Boss and Dolce, God how embarrassed was I, a bum waking up in the steps of the Metropolitan Opera House with wet clothes hoping to not be recognized by anyone
“Angel!!!” screams a woman from a far, I turn around and it’s a woman dressed in a silk black dress looking amazing and elegant, I don’t recognize her from a far but I do see the shinning jewels so I get closer, and as she runs towards me I discover its…. Kathleen.
I had never in my entire life actually prayed with real devotion , but tonight I hoped some strength would be delivered to me, some hope, and some help from above, I needed a sign to go on, I needed something higher than myself, I needed…
And Angel remembered the sixth poem from that mysterious book he found in the beach that one night…..
Clear my skies and give me a reason to live
Deliver me the power to learn how to give
Save me from drowning in my own turbulent water
Deliver me the knowledge in every needed matter
Rescue me from the cliff and imbalance I find myself in
Deliver me from the clouded black shadows of eternal sin
Deliver me peace to carry on
Give me strength to last long
Deliver me from eternal slavery
Free my spirit into lasting bravery
Rescue this soul which slowly drowns in sorrow
Deliver me faith and hope to make it till tomorrow
Deliver me from the grave I sadly carved for my self
Help me rise to power, joy, and wealth
I’m like a glass that’s slowly braking
Full of cracks that can lead to my undertaking
Deliver me stability to prevent myself from breaking
Don’t let me be a soul that’s shattered and forsaken
Then I realize I may not carry on
And I look at my reflection and it sings to me a song
It tells me I can do it, I can survive
That I must rise above my self
Stand before my grave
And finally feel alive.