Chapter Forty Five
The Purpose of Life is Death
The Purpose of Death is Life
Flora was a beautiful baby girl, her eyes had a certain depth in them that made all these months a worth wait, Kathleen was exhausted but she managed to stay alive and well
“You look amazing for a woman who just had a hell of a delivery” I tell her holding her hand and finding comfort in her smile
“It was so worth it, I want to see her, please bring her to me I need to feel my child”
Kathleen whispers in exhaustion.
I ran out to get the nurse and tell her to bring the child to her mother.
As we approach Kathleen in the delivery room, the nurse hands her baby Flora,
Kathleen’s face lights up, as she holds her baby for the first time I witnessed a maternal side of her that I knew with time would come.
“My beautiful child, you were an answer to every prayer I ever had” She whispers to her sleeping baby smiling, her tears ran down her face, this time she was not withholding them or controlling herself but simply feeling the moment and happy to be alive.
Her eyes communicated much gratefulness and much emotion; her smile communicated much love and acceptance.
“I’ll be right back, there’s something I have to do” I tell her
“Where are you going Angel?” Kathy asks,
“I want to leave you alone with your daughter; I think you both have a lot to catch up on”
As I walk to the door she tells me;
“you were right…..’
“about?” I ask confused
“About wanting to keep me alive, from now on I want live and I will attend all the Dr. appointments necessary and ill do the chemo, whatever it takes”
Kathleen looked at her child with pride, with joy and satisfaction and says
“Now I have a reason”
I smiled and walked out.
I went to the hospital chapel and stood in front of the cross, I got on my knees and thanked God for his miracle, the lights were dim, the room was empty and quiet and I was never happier, he kept my best friend alive and baby Flora was born. I was certain he was giving us all a new opportunity to live, to start fresh.
I felt something I have not felt in a very long time,
happy and relieved.
I went out and bought Kathleen her favorite roses, white roses, a dozen of them and plants as I was sure she missed her green house.
When I walked in her room she was not there anymore. Her body was transported to the morgue.
The white roses fell from my hands, the petals scattered all over the floor, by my feet lay spread the roses Kathleen never got to see.
The specialist approached me; put his hands on my shoulder
“I am sorry, there was nothing else we could do…..she managed to remain this long because she was a strong woman and wanted her child to be amongst us now…that alone took strength and courage…she was very ill”.
Angel was speechless, he simply stood there, looked at the ceiling as tears fell from his eyes, he turned around and asked the doctor
“How could this happen? She was willing to get better and she managed to give birth and live…..how?”
“Trust me she made every effort possible, but her time was shortly counted in range of minutes and days……I am truly sorry….she was a beautiful woman….and she seemed happy”
Angel stood there in the hospital bedroom with the dim lights, with no idea what would follow this, what was next? He had lost the most significant person in his life, his best friend, his sister, his savior, his opposite, his equal…….. His companion in this difficult world was now gone, leaving him completely alone.
He understood it was God’s will, but why must his will always seem so dark and painful? Why must his will always test us until we can’t take it anymore….The most important question managed to surface after he thought of his loss….
What would be of baby Flora?
In India, I remembered how Indians viewed death as a passing state that the soul underwent, and that for a life to come another must perish. Indians respect death as part of the karmic cycle that will transport a soul from one body to another, while Christians believed in heaven or hell after death, in this case heaven. Buddhists believe in Nirvana after death.
I no longer knew what to believe, what is it that happens to a soul after it leaves the body? is Kathleen to be reincarnated in another body? Is she to go to heaven and be as happy as she deserves?
After my strange encounter with death years ago, my body died, yet I perfectly remember my soul in a state of freedom and blissful peace that disconnected me to all and at the same time connected me to all that was pure and beautiful, perhaps that is where Kathleen is at now.
I didn’t know anything anymore, for not religion nor any belief could erase the pain I felt in my soul.
I went home to the only place I knew Kathleen’s essence would be found, the green house in the roof, I stood there looking at her creations, her beautiful plants and flowers so full of life and energy, and without even looking I found next to the spot I sat in a letter…….followed by a poem, a poem dated with yesterdays day……..the poem was the first thing I read….
And Angel remembered the twenty second poem from that mysterious book he found in the beach that one night…..
I Used To
I used to be a dreamer
I used to fantasize about love
And I imagined myself in a better world …
Where beauty sprang and the roses danced
Where paradise was not just at a glance
But a storm so dark has passed my way
It has robbed me of all life’s treasures
And I’ve gone astray
Leaving me dark inside
With no peril of hope
And on leap of faith
Viewing everything from a tiny microscope
I would like to think
That the sun will come out tomorrow and brighten up my day
But all I can see is rain, rain, and more rain
And a beautiful moon dancing in a dark black sky
With my latent question, of just why? Oh God Why?
With no hope for a star to shine
And no mind to think luck could be mine
I’ve lost this war, for I cannot continue to fight
No longer will I search for an untrue light
I’ve been beaten down by dark grey clouds
Nothing has invaded my head but confusion and doubts
My my my, how will I get out of this one?
Maybe if I pray …
Here in my beautiful green house,
The light will soon come.
For my light in the darkness, my baby girl Flora
I love you,
Your mother Kathleen