Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 45670
date submitted 01.05.2011
date updated 24.05.2013
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Science Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Immortality Game

Ted Cross

A dead man wants a new body, a scientist wants his stolen mind back, and Zoya just hopes to survive the day.

 

Zoya has never done anything more exciting than putting makeup on the corpses at the morgue where she works, until the day she carries a package to meet her brother, only to see him thrown from a fourth story balcony. Chased by mobsters who always seem one step ahead of her, she encounters Marcus and his A.I. father. They open her brother’s package and find two unusual data cards -- one which helps turn the tables on the mob, and the second which holds the key to everlasting life.

(cover by Bradley Wind)

 
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cyberpunk, immortality, mafia, military, science fiction, sci-fi

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10

2:45 p.m.

 

Marcus wiped cold sweat from his forehead and gripped his queasy stomach.  He’d spent the past ten minutes retching in the toilet.  His ribs still felt bruised from the intense pressure of the flight.  At least being sick had dampened the feeling of fear as he approached customs.  Actual human guards with submachine guns stood near each customs kiosk, so it was a relief when Marcus’s palm scan returned a prompt green signal and the guard waved him through the gate.

Enabling wireless took longer than usual as his account negotiated payment and connectivity rules with the Sheremetyevo airport network.  Marcus was relieved when his father’s voice popped into his head. 

<Everything okay, Marcus?>

<Yes.  I’m through customs.  You said there...ah, I see a guy with a sign for me.>

Marcus nodded at the short blond man holding a sign with ‘Saenz’ printed on it.  The man grinned and led Marcus toward an exit.  A sleek black aircar hovered near the curb.

“Here you are, Mr. Saenz,” the man said in Russian.  The card in Marcus’s slot instantly translated the words.  Marcus nodded thanks to the man and thrust his traveling case into the back seat before climbing in after it.  The seat was incredible--smooth and deep.  Is it real leather?  No one uses real leather, do they?  If not for the excitement of being in such a strange place, Marcus figured he’d have trouble staying awake seated in such luxury.

“Destination?” said the flat male voice of the autodriver.

The Russian chip spelled out his desired response phonetically in easy-to-read letters that looked like they hovered in the air about six inches in front of his eyes.  It was awkward, but he read off the address his father had given him.  The door closed and the car rose quickly into the gray sky.

The sky...Marcus had known all his life about time zone differences, but it felt unnatural to have everything change so dramatically in so short a time.  It had been the middle of the night when the suborbital launched, and now his slot told him it was close to three in the afternoon.

<Have something to eat,> Jorge said.

<I can’t, Papa.  I still feel ill.>

<I knew it would be hard on you to fly.  I’m very grateful that you are helping me.>

Marcus shook his head, though he knew his father couldn’t see it.  <I worry that it is all a waste of time.  Do you honestly think they’ll be able to help you, even if they’re willing?>

<I don’t know, Marcus.  But they’re the first honest chance I’ve encountered.  The longer I live in the Web the further from human I become.  What will I be like if they can reconstitute me?  I’ve spent years absorbing far more data than any human can handle.  My ability to feel, taste, or smell is only simulated in my cradle code.  If I am ever to have a shot at a human life again, I must grasp the earliest chance.>

Marcus turned to look out the window of the speeding aircar.  He didn’t want to think about the possibility of his father becoming real again.  Massive groves of pale birches lined the banks of a grayish-brown river.  The buildings they passed had an alien look to them--oddly shaped wooden or concrete structures painted in shades of color Marcus had never seen before--and it struck home to him just what it meant to be in a country so different from his own.

Suddenly they were past the birch forest and zooming over desolate suburbs.  Marcus’s eyes were drawn to what could only be the center of Moscow, a thicket of immensely tall skyscrapers reaching to the gray clouds.  As they drew closer, he could see a veritable web of moving walkways strung between the buildings at all different levels.

<It’s amazing, Papa,> Marcus said.  <Such decay and misery and then...such fantastic wealth and modernity.  The vids I watched didn’t do it justice.>

<Here the wealthy live in the clouds,> Jorge said, <while the poor can only stare up at them.>

<So many people.  All those aircars.  I haven’t seen a city this full of life since I was a child.>

They passed the rest of the trip in silence, as Marcus absorbed the various views of this strange city.  He was struck hardest by the sheer amount of activity he saw.  He recalled only dimly when Phoenix had been filled with millions of impatient commuters, before Meshing took hold and turned the city into a ghost town.  He hadn’t read much about the effects of Mesh addiction on other countries; he’d assumed it was similar everywhere.  Apparently he was wrong, at least in Russia.

The aircar began descending into lower lanes of traffic as it drew close to their destination.

<Papa, does Meshing not affect them here?>

<Of course it does.  But you must understand, Marcus...it’s an addiction of the rich and middle classes.  The poor usually cannot afford upgraded slots or Web subscriptions.  Russia doesn’t have much of a middle class, and America, even after the recent civil war, has very few who are truly poor.>

The aircar slowed to a hovering descent near a row of ancient concrete apartment blocks.  Across a wide avenue from the buildings was a vast park that was clearly a refugee camp.

<We’re here, Papa.>  The door of the aircar slid up to allow Marcus to clamber out.  Three boys kicking a soccer ball stopped to stare at him.

<Shouldn’t have ordered such an expensive car, Papa.>  He studied the row of twelve-story buildings.  <This is a really bad area.  I wish you could smell this stench.  Must be the refugee camp.>

<Find the building marked with a six.>

<We landed right in front of it, Papa.>  The autodriver’s maps were accurate, at least.  Marcus walked up to the door set in a small arch.  On the wall to the right of the door was a metal pad with numbered buttons.  <Wow, this is really ancient stuff.  How do we get in?>

<It’s not connected to the Web.  Is there a buzzer?>

A rectangle of dirty plastic served as a window in the door.  Marcus peered through it and saw a hallway tiled in yellow and white.  An obviously broken elevator stood open near a stairwell.  To the left was a small desk and a wooden chair, but there was no one to be seen.

Marcus backed up a couple of steps and looked around.  His eyes alit on a wide open second floor window, jagged bits of glass along the top and sides of the frame.

<Strange.  There’s a shattered window here, looks like it happened recently.  What floor was your address?>

<Tenth.>

<Oh.  This place is giving me the creeps.>  Marcus kept feeling as if someone was sneaking up on him, but no one was there each time he turned to look.

<Can you climb through the window?>

Marcus walked closer to the broken window and peered up.  <Nah, it’s too high.>  He glanced down at the scattering of glass.  The soil near the wall looked like someone had landed in it.  He knelt down to examine the area.

<Looks like someone fell or dropped out of the window.  Lucky they didn’t cut themselves badly.>  A bit of black with a clean white patch caught his eye, and he reached out to pluck an unusually long slot card from the dirt.  Marcus was about to comment on it when the door to his right swung open and a middle-aged couple emerged.  They didn’t see Marcus as he leapt to catch the door before it shut.

<I’m in, Papa.  Someone opened the door.  And I found a slot card...though it’s weird, too long.>  He held it up to look at the white label.  <Three letters and a date.  Friday.  Whatever it is, it’s very recent.>

<Get up to the tenth floor, Marcus.  I’m dying to know why such important data was accessed in such a run-down neighborhood.>

<Okay, but I’ll have to take the stairs.>  He stuck the card into a pocket of his coat.

Jorge’s laughter filled Marcus’s head.  <Bet you wish you’d done those exercise sims now, eh?>

Marcus ignored his father and set off up the first flight of stairs.  He was huffing badly when he reached the third floor.  <I’ve gotta rest.>  He put his hands to his knees and bent over.

<Twenty-six years old and you can’t climb three stories without half dying.>  Jorge sounded like he was trying to make a joke, but Marcus heard the undercurrent of concern.

<I’ll be all right in a minute.>  He wiped sweat from his brow with his coat sleeve.  Marcus thanked God for whomever had invented the solar coat.  It used the same microscopic layer of solar cells that were used on cars, and the energy was used by the coat to provide heat or cooling as needed.

Ten minutes and several rest stops later, he reached the tenth floor and walked down the thinly carpeted hallway to the burgundy door marked ‘1012’.  He pushed the buzzer and waited.  A minute passed and he pushed it again.  <No one’s home.>

He put a hand on the cool metal of the door, and it opened with a click.  <Hey, it’s not locked.>

<Be careful, Marcus.  That doesn’t seem right.>

<Tell me about it.>

The tiny entrance hall had warped wooden flooring.  The coat and shoe racks held only women’s apparel.  A flowery umbrella hung from the end of the coat rack.  Straight ahead was an open doorway to what was clearly a kitchen.  Marcus’s gaze was drawn to a picture of a young woman on the opposite wall.  She was pretty, though not in a classical sense.  She had long black hair and high Slavic cheekbones.  Her prominent nose told him she likely had some Jewish blood.  Her eyes were very slightly turned down in the corners, and though she was smiling, the eyes and mouth together gave her a sad look.  Marcus knew he could never be bold enough to approach such a woman, but there was a primal part of him that wanted to hold her, to tell her everything would be all right.

<Marcus...?>

Marcus forced his eyes away from the captivating portrait.  A door on the left led to a dark bedroom, while the hall to the right led to a well-lit living room.  Marcus took two steps in that direction and froze.

“Madre de Dios!” he said aloud, clutching at his suddenly heaving stomach.

<What is it!  Are you all right?>

Marcus started panting in order to stop himself from retching.

<Marcus, you’re scaring me!>

Marcus tried to collect himself.  <Sorry, Papa.  What have you gotten us into?>

<I can’t see, Marcus!>

<There’s a dead woman seated at a table.>

<You sure she’s dead?>

<Her...>  Marcus fought down bile again.  <Her head is twisted around backwards.  She’s dead.>

The only time he had ever seen a dead person was after his father’s sudden, massive stroke.

<Marcus, you need to-->

<No!>  Marcus spun and trotted into the corridor, closing the door behind him.  <I’ve got to get out of here, Papa.  You’re gonna get me killed.>

<Marcus-->

<No!>  It took all his willpower not to run to the stairwell.  Marcus breathed heavily and forced one foot in front of the other.  He felt dizzy and stopped with one hand on the wall to steady himself.

<It’s okay, Marcus,> Jorge said.  <It’s going to be okay.>

<No,> Marcus said.  <It’s not.>  He took another step and froze, as a bulky man with a crew-cut, a fleshy red face, and a coat that no one should be wearing in summer stepped through the doorway from the stairs.  The man paused a moment and glared at Marcus, then clomped forward on heavy-soled boots.

The man looked like he might walk right by, so Marcus turned his eyes to the floor and started walking slowly toward the stairs.  He glanced up as they drew near each other, and he saw the man staring at him with a smirk on his face.  Marcus couldn’t help himself and sped up, hoping somehow to put the man behind him, but the man reached out and snagged him by his solar coat, shoved him against the wall.

“Who are you, cocksucker?”  The man loomed over Marcus like a giant, and squeezed his hand around Marcus’s larynx.

Choking for air, Marcus had trouble reading the phonetic translation of how he wanted to reply to the man.

<Papa!  He’s gonna kill me!>

<Who?>

Marcus had forgotten that Jorge had no means of seeing what had happened.  <A big man is pinning me to a wall, looks like he wants to kill me.>

<Tell him you’re a diplomat.>

<I don’t think this guy will care!>

Regardless, he choked out, “Dip-di-diplomat.”  He realized he’d spoken in English, then saw that the translation was exactly the same, except the stress should have been on the last syllable.

“Diplomat?”  The man hawked and spat on the floor.  “Foreign pig!  Why did you come here?  Tell me now.”

Blood pounded in Marcus’s ears as he struggled to breathe.  It was difficult to read the translation.  “Looking for...something.”

“In that apartment?  What could you be looking for in that apartment?”

“Can’t...breathe!”

The man relaxed his grip slightly, and Marcus gasped for air.

“Tell me now, or I’ll break your fucking neck!”  Marcus had never been in a physical confrontation before, and he’d never seen anything like the brutal expression on the man’s face.

“A...a card.”

The man’s stare turned cold.  “Did the general send you?  How do you know about the cards?”

“What general?  I’ve never seen a general,” Marcus said.

“Fuck your mother, start talking.”

Marcus’s mind scrambled for something to say.  “I...I don’t know.  I was just told to come here and pick up this card.”

“What card?”

<What card?> echoed Jorge.

<How are you hearing what I’m saying?> Marcus said to his father.

<I can’t hear you,> Jorge said.  <I’m reading the translator card.>

“It’s in my pocket,” Marcus said, flapping his right hand at his coat.

“Pull it out.”

Marcus stuffed his hand into his coat pocket and fished out the card he had found below the broken window.  He held it up so the man could see it, and saw the man’s eyes widen.

“Where did you get this?”  The man snatched the card from Marcus and held it up to his eyes to read the label.  “Was this in the apartment?”

<Don’t say yes, Marcus.  Tell him you found it.>

Marcus shook his head.  “I found it...on the floor over there.”  He pointed to the end of the hall past the open apartment door.

“Who sent you here?”  The man reached into his coat and drew a gun, stepped back and pointed it in Marcus’s face.

Chapters

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HarperCollins Wrote


It is the year 2138 and the world is a very different place. Most of the rich are Mesh addicts, plugged into a virtual world on a permanent basis. The poor lead a very different existence, still far more technologically advanced than today but without the ability to escape into the virtual world for great lengths of time.

Zoya is a young Russian woman caught up in the theft of some data cards that are of great importance to the military and a particularly evil bunch of gangsters. Marcus is an American student, kept off the Mesh by his AI father, a virtual version of the man who saved the world by restoring the internet some years before. Marcus is sent to Russia by his father, who also has in interest in the cards. The paths of Marcus and Zoya cross and they soon find themselves on the run in an increasingly dangerous Moscow.

This is an entertaining and imaginative technothriller. The fictional world is well realised and believable. The technology is fascinating and not over explained, allowing the reader to get used to it and understand it as the story unfolds.

The plot is complex and in places is hard to follow at times. It shouldn’t be simplified too much, as it works very well for most of its length, but there are a few episodes and scenes which could be rewritten to avoid any confusion.

As is often the case with this sort of book, there are some sections of dialogue that are unrealistic and clearly used to help develop the plot. These are best avoided and the book would benefit from these being removed or reworked.

Characterisation is strong; we get a real sense of who is who and what makes them tick. That being said, the many Russian gangsters do sort of blend into one at times and it can be hard to tell them apart, some attention to this issue would help a lot.

There were a few places where I felt the plot dragged a bit, or didn’t make sense, and these interrupted the strong pace of the story. The scene in which Marcus and Zoya first meet is a good example. They seem to hang around in a dangerous place for too long, have a lengthy conversation about the state of politics in America, fight a few gangsters and deal with the deal of her mother. This really bogged things down and would benefit from revision.

I am, however, only really picking out things that would potentially make a very good book even better. This has very strong potential and I would certainly recommend it to the authonomy editorial board for consideration for publication.

Charlotte Elise wrote 73 days ago

Hi Ted,

First of all, thank you for writing such a good sci-fi! The Immortality Game reads with the essence of a quality science fiction novel for so many reasons. I've read four chapters so far and can't wait to come back to read more.

Chapter 1
The sibling dynamic is well presented here, as they act naturally as brother and sister. Georgy seems like he has an interesting backstory, and despite the fact he's dragging his sister into his troubles, he's likeable too. Also, Zoya is a great name.

Chapter 2
Toward the end of this chapter I found some of Jorge's lines to be a bit wordy, and it broke the flow of otherwise well written, natural dialogue. I like that Marcos' final reason for doing as eDad wanted was for the sake of his mother and family, and not just because he was talked into it. It gives his character some extra merit, and also makes him more actively involved in what he's going to do, rather than just doing what someone else says.
Despite not really knowing what Meshing is yet, I really like it being presented as an addiction. I find addictions in stories (ones other than the usual alcohol and drugs) really interesting as to how they affect characters. The fact that Marcos also suffered the same gives him a little bit of darkness in his character and past, and to me there is nothing better than a flawed character!
A couple of things that stood out to me were the disposable plate described as clattering on the table, whereas I'm thinking of a plastic or paper plate that wouldn't make much sound at all. That's just me though.
The other is mentioning a place called Sedona. Because I don't live in Phoenix, it doesnt mean much to me as a reader that this is as far as Marcos has ever traveled.

Chapter 3
This has been my favourite chapter so far. It's suddenly so tense, I'm captivated immediately. By the end of it I wondered if it would be better as the first chapter, as it has the best hook so far. Of course, doing that is never as easy as just suggesting it.
Also, I didn't read your long pitch before reading the story so Georgy's fate really surprised me! And I'm a bit sad he died, I quite liked his character already. It's a good way to get another character moving though, in this case Zoya who seemed reluctant to have anything to do with his trouble, is now thrown right into it.
In her first section you say the fire escape forced her to walk into the street. This threw me a bit as I thought she was already walking in the street. Is she now walking into another street?

Chapter 4
This one took me by surprise also, but obviously for the twist in the middle. I like it. All four chapters have been so different, it's kept everything interesting and kept me on my toes, so to speak (type). Another character being pulled into the story has me even more interested to find out what all the fuss is about and how they're all going to interact when they, I assume, cross paths.

Throughout the chapters I have especially loved the science fiction elements you've added, such as the suborbital travel, Meshing, existing digitally and the slots behind the ears. These are subtle ways of bringing us into this sci-fi world, rather than shoving it in my face trying to constantly remind the reader that its futuristic. Yours has none of that, its just the right amount to make it believable and doesnt make me stop and wonder what this tech stuff is.

Anyway, I obviously don't have a bad word to say about this! The multiple viewpoints are well handled, its well written and engaging and deserves high stars and a backing from me. Good luck on your short rest of the way to the desk!

Charlotte Elise
Saving Isondier.

FireweedFiend wrote 93 days ago

The Immortality Game is masterfully orchestrated, introducing the reader to a future that is both original, and completely believable, while conducting several stories and characters through an aria of adventure, suspense, and some pretty gritty murders. From the Mormons unintentionally coming out on top, to Meshing, there is not any part of this world that feels implausible.

I love the dynamic between the characters, especially Marcus and Zoya, and I even feel a bit of empathy for Tavik- I mean, the guy is clearly not all bad, just mostly. Is there a mailing list for when this gets published? I need this in my library, like, yesterday.

Brennon

Parogar wrote 163 days ago

You have an excellent writing style. Everything from your word-usage to sentence structure are all on par with what I'd tend to find in a published book, and your pacing is also good enough that one paragraph flows into another with very little abruptness or confusion.

Now, since you're writing a multiple POV story, I know it won't be revealed until later on where the POV characters intermingle, so I didn't feel that the story was at all disjointed from the switch. What I did think, however, is that the story (intentionally) makes certain elements just a little bit too ambiguous. In the first three chapters, I was able to follow them quite easily due to the skillful writing, but it was only as I reached the end of chapter three that I realized I actually didn't have that much of a clue as to what was really going on in the grand scheme of things; in terms of plot.

In Chapter 2, the techno-talk was a bit confusing. It went on a bit, and I really just couldn't follow it as well as I'd hoped to be able to. My recommendation for chapter 2 would be to reduce the technobabble just a pinch because after a point it becomes jarring. But for all three chapters overall, I think giving just a few more "hints", without reveling everything. I think I know what you're going for. There's a world of mystery and plot waiting to be discovered for the reader, but I think giving us just a bit more reason for the urgency and conflict early on will help to more firmly plant the reader into the tension.

If I had to be completely honest with you, there's probably a bunch of plot things I could criticize if I re-read it, but the writing was so good that I didn't notice them. Maybe I'm just overly enthusiastic because this was one of the few things I've read so far on Authonomy since RJ's where I could actually, 100% place myself inside of a character's head. Honestly, if you can get a reader that far, they'll usually come along for the ride no matter what genre or story you're telling.

The first and third chapters were my favorite of the three, especially the scarier third, with Georgy and the "gangsters". The second one was a bit muddled in shadows, and by that I mean it was purposely (I think you did it on purpose) a bit confusing.

I'd buy this in a bookstore because the writing is indistinguishable from other published authors--by that I mean I can't look at it and say amateur author!--and it had a gripping first chapter. I don't feel as if you're trying to teach me new words, and I don't get the sense that you're trying to teach me anything, really. The story comes off like just that; a story. It reads like someone who has a tale they want to tell, and they're doing so in the most accessible way they can.... minus the technobabble.

Sylvia wrote 174 days ago

Aside from one small issue, I found this story astonishingly well written and completely gripping.

It's difficult to imagine how you thought up the characters: a protagonist who does beauty treatments for corpses, then a fat student with his father plugged into his brain: 'Something I've been searching for ever since I died.' Despite this strangeness and the future setting, the people are totally believable and the reality is as gritty as it gets, especially the encounter between Georgy and Tavik. I also like the notion of Mesh, which is a strong possibility even now.

Poplar seeds floated like snowflakes on the summer breeze … This is one of those descriptions that can only come from close familiarity to a place. (I've since seen from your bio that this is the case.) It not only brings the story alive, it also makes it feel authentic.

From the chapters I've read, I'd definitely buy this novel. It should get a great review from HC and It should be published. Starred and on my shelf until it makes the desk.

My only gripe is the opening paragraph:

It would be too easy to say one hates working with corpses … This is too impersonal for a first line. Who is one? The narrator? The character? The queen?

… onto the grossly fat man on the stainless steel slab … is it possible to avoid the repeat of 'on' or make it less noticeable. I know this is picky, but it is the opening paragraph.

liberscriptus wrote 452 days ago

Pardon my French, but holy $#@! this is amazing! I just read what you have posted and was quite sad when I got to the end. Fast-paced and exciting with a great premise and so many sticky moral dilemas! What is life? What is intelligence? Is Jorge sentient or a convincing imitation? If he were transfered to a clone body, would he be alive then or would that clone be a new imitation? And the idea of New Eden if fascinating - would it be worthwhile to spend a lifetime on a ship so that your descendents could live in a new world?

In my opinion, raising questions is what the best of sci-fi is all about, and clearly you've done lots of that, so great job there! I also find it interesting how you depict the Western US as a Mormon-ruled theocracy - quite an interesting what if there. I think it's great how you blend elements of the familiar world we live in with the speculative future you've created. The character dynamics are also very interesting - how Zoya goes from an average woman to a fugitive in the blink of an eye and how she handles it. I'd love to see how she and Marcus, who seems very much an obedient daddy's boy, interact...

The only critique I have is that I feel as though some parts lack physical descriptions of the characters and surroundings, so it's hard to visualize what's going on in some scenes. But other than that, it's very well-written and flows well... I'm so bummed I can't finish it!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

janimarei wrote 5 days ago

I love sci-fi and the first few chapters have me hooked. I'll definitely be back for more when time permits.

stearn37 wrote 14 days ago

Hi
Well done on the superb review.
I will be first in line to buy the book.
Good luck and I hope ir is a best seller.
Cheers,
John Stearn
Author of Derilium

Scott Toney wrote 14 days ago

Congrats on the wonderful review! :)

CATHERINE SHAW wrote 14 days ago

Brilliant. Well done!!!

AuthorGirlAngie wrote 15 days ago

Ted, looks like you've done a great job on this book and I wish you the best of luck!

AuthorGirlAngie wrote 15 days ago

Ted, looks like you've done a great job on this book and I wish you the best of luck!

carolinecutting wrote 16 days ago

Hiya, only had time to read the first two chapters and already I'm hooked. I love your reference to digital copying of the mind, fantastic!
Caroline

MickeyCee wrote 19 days ago

Hey Ted

Only this far today but can't wait to get back to the book, later. Love the characters, the plot and the suspense.

Mickey
Charlie and the Witches Coven

LValder wrote 22 days ago

Very engaging characters, fast paced, not predictable, great descriptions and damn good writing. I think you have a winner here. My one semi-negative comment is I did not buy the part about the gangster Tazik being in love with Zoya, you need to build that in sooner or ? When it was first mentioned (I guess she's not going to marry me.) I thought he was making an ironic joke, then later you hinted that he did love her, very hard to accept this. That one part was the only thing that knocked me out out the suspension of dis-belief- everything else tracked pretty true. The other thing I hope you do is keep the characters true to themselves, a good arc is fine but I'd hate to see the American kid suddenly become a toughguy/super hero or? Have you written ch 23 yet?
Love to continue reading it let me know when you have more chapters, thank you Laurie Mains, The Zen Gene / ISS

aw findlay wrote 27 days ago

good fast paced read, nice one!

aw findlay wrote 27 days ago

good fast paced read, nice one!

aw findlay wrote 27 days ago

good fast paced read, nice one!

T M Robinson wrote 32 days ago

I've only read the first chapter.
The writing is good, but there are a few places where the prose could use a bit of editing. References to 'Pre-dark time' and 'quaint times' sound out-of-place and forced. Why not just drop them out. If you want to tell the reader it's a post-apocolyptic novel then just say it.

You make reference to your protagonist fearing corpses at one time but don't explain to the reader why she feared them or why she stopped fearing them. If this has no relevance to the story- why is it there?

Your descriptions are good but sometimes contain unrelated information that only slows the tempo.i.e.: tied off with twine the way mother always did it - this doesn't tell the reader anything. We don't know what 'it' is.

The last paragraph has reference problems. 'Fear made it difficult to swallow. The last reference was to the package. 'It' will lead you into all kinds of problems. I would suggest doing a search on 'it' and replacing where possible with a more precise word, or better yet- fear consticted her throat. - convey your thought clearly.
- 'her hand brushed the clammy skin of the corpse. An image filled her mind of Georgy laid out on the slab while she rouged his cheeks." Georgy's cheeks or the corpse's cheeks? Remove doubt by saying 'her brother's' or 'the stiff's' Precision in word selection is important when presenting a clear image to the reader.

Best of luck

Alice Barron wrote 37 days ago

Hi there. I saw a thread recently which indicated that the books near the editor's desk may require support. I don't think you do. Your book is flying. Then again, just in case I am wrong I decided to read a little bit of your book and star it and offer it some support.
I read two chapters. It's quite good. I like the dialogue between brother and sister and then again between father and son.

I wasn't so sure about the sentence in chapter one that says.....the stronger one.....to me, the stronger one indicates you are referring to someone. Would you consider writing....and the strong whiff of embalming fluid.

Should air of the room be air in the room?

These guys are brilliant, almost as smart as me even........I don't think you need even in this sentence. Try reading it out loud. Does it sound right, now? It sounds like even is a persons name, to me.

Okay, you can tell me to go away now! Starred.
Alice.

Maevesleibhin wrote 42 days ago

This is truly engaging and very well written. I am in chapter 10 and will read further before commenting, but this gets my backing and top stars.
Best,
Maeve

George Fripley wrote 50 days ago

Hey Ted,

I enjoyed this. I couldn't really find much fault with it. The pace was good, I didn;t find myself skipping through (which I have a tendency to do) and I thought that Zoya was a character that drew people in. Her relationship with Marcus is genuine and this sets the book up. I will be abck to read more later.

George

Ivan Amberlake wrote 55 days ago

Just finished Chapter 22 and found it amazing! Just as the action keeps coming there's also some of the back story inserted, but in a way that the story flows nicely. Loved Marcus's story and more talk about the futuristic world. The ending ... superb! Look forward to reading the next chapter. Only don't know when it's coming *sigh*

Kestrelraptorial wrote 64 days ago

I like the character names in this story. Zoya, caught in a race for military technology that can copy the sentient brain of a creature . . . to extend life and space travel, and several competing parties trying to retrieve it. I’ll admit that apart from this plot, the story was a bit hard to follow, though I liked the chapter with Xax exploring the caverns and running from the basilisk.

Chapter five was the first I was reminded that this world has a futuristic setting, when Zoya signals for an air taxi. Why is she able to negotiate the price down to ‘criminal’, especially when, if they happen to be pulled over, the price for a fine is very expensive? I doubt she’d be able to haggle much if at all.

Tavik and Bunny are scary they way they keep popping up and killing anyone they perceive to be in their way, or who knows something. So over-protective of their secret technology. The last chapter – they’re still right on Zoya and Marcus’ tail, after having killed everyone close to her, and still no resolution. You know, I’d really be interested in a story that explores life on a generation ship.

stearn37 wrote 70 days ago

Hi
I have given this a full six stars and it has been put on my watchlist so i can read more over the next few days.
It will be back once i have a gap on my shelf.
From
John Stearn
Author of Derilium

Charlotte Elise wrote 73 days ago

Hi Ted,

First of all, thank you for writing such a good sci-fi! The Immortality Game reads with the essence of a quality science fiction novel for so many reasons. I've read four chapters so far and can't wait to come back to read more.

Chapter 1
The sibling dynamic is well presented here, as they act naturally as brother and sister. Georgy seems like he has an interesting backstory, and despite the fact he's dragging his sister into his troubles, he's likeable too. Also, Zoya is a great name.

Chapter 2
Toward the end of this chapter I found some of Jorge's lines to be a bit wordy, and it broke the flow of otherwise well written, natural dialogue. I like that Marcos' final reason for doing as eDad wanted was for the sake of his mother and family, and not just because he was talked into it. It gives his character some extra merit, and also makes him more actively involved in what he's going to do, rather than just doing what someone else says.
Despite not really knowing what Meshing is yet, I really like it being presented as an addiction. I find addictions in stories (ones other than the usual alcohol and drugs) really interesting as to how they affect characters. The fact that Marcos also suffered the same gives him a little bit of darkness in his character and past, and to me there is nothing better than a flawed character!
A couple of things that stood out to me were the disposable plate described as clattering on the table, whereas I'm thinking of a plastic or paper plate that wouldn't make much sound at all. That's just me though.
The other is mentioning a place called Sedona. Because I don't live in Phoenix, it doesnt mean much to me as a reader that this is as far as Marcos has ever traveled.

Chapter 3
This has been my favourite chapter so far. It's suddenly so tense, I'm captivated immediately. By the end of it I wondered if it would be better as the first chapter, as it has the best hook so far. Of course, doing that is never as easy as just suggesting it.
Also, I didn't read your long pitch before reading the story so Georgy's fate really surprised me! And I'm a bit sad he died, I quite liked his character already. It's a good way to get another character moving though, in this case Zoya who seemed reluctant to have anything to do with his trouble, is now thrown right into it.
In her first section you say the fire escape forced her to walk into the street. This threw me a bit as I thought she was already walking in the street. Is she now walking into another street?

Chapter 4
This one took me by surprise also, but obviously for the twist in the middle. I like it. All four chapters have been so different, it's kept everything interesting and kept me on my toes, so to speak (type). Another character being pulled into the story has me even more interested to find out what all the fuss is about and how they're all going to interact when they, I assume, cross paths.

Throughout the chapters I have especially loved the science fiction elements you've added, such as the suborbital travel, Meshing, existing digitally and the slots behind the ears. These are subtle ways of bringing us into this sci-fi world, rather than shoving it in my face trying to constantly remind the reader that its futuristic. Yours has none of that, its just the right amount to make it believable and doesnt make me stop and wonder what this tech stuff is.

Anyway, I obviously don't have a bad word to say about this! The multiple viewpoints are well handled, its well written and engaging and deserves high stars and a backing from me. Good luck on your short rest of the way to the desk!

Charlotte Elise
Saving Isondier.

Robert Liddle wrote 74 days ago

I keep looking for another book on this site as good as this one, but I can't find it. Great story, great writing, and great science fiction. Six stars and a backing.

Jimmy Wearne wrote 79 days ago

Great 1st chapter - the only thing that threw me is the use of 'one' in the first sentence - usually that comes with 1st person POV. I would try 'she' or writing something different - I think you could write a better opening line. also shoudn't the fat man be lying on the stainless steel slab? You're missing a verb there and the sentence probably could use another comma, when I read it out loud I take a break. Everything from there flows really nicely - love the name Zoya - I would put "Hey little sis..." down a paragraph after the action - very engaging overall - only other suggestion is when you have that military style opening date, place time - I would like to see after Moscow - Central Morgue or whatever you want to call it. Highly starred and I'll back you because you deserve to make editors - I would just really think about a better opening line before you get there.

If you can return a read at some point that would be great.

Cheers

Jimmy

emarie wrote 87 days ago

Excellent writing. You pull the reader in immediately and then their hooked. Watchlisted.
--emarie
Jacksom Jacob Henry Brown, III

Markal wrote 91 days ago

Excellent premise, great concept, and right up there with any current sci-fi story.
Your characters are believable and their dialogue isn't forced or false, and your writing flows, no jarring sentences, no having to read anything more than once to understand it's meaning.
As I said, a great story, and I thoroughly enjoyed what I read. Many stars.

Mark.

MiriamNConde wrote 92 days ago

I think this has an intriguing plot. You do well writing with different perspectives. I also like the colorful descriptions. You left me wanting more.

MiriamNConde
The Immortality Experiment

FireweedFiend wrote 93 days ago

The Immortality Game is masterfully orchestrated, introducing the reader to a future that is both original, and completely believable, while conducting several stories and characters through an aria of adventure, suspense, and some pretty gritty murders. From the Mormons unintentionally coming out on top, to Meshing, there is not any part of this world that feels implausible.

I love the dynamic between the characters, especially Marcus and Zoya, and I even feel a bit of empathy for Tavik- I mean, the guy is clearly not all bad, just mostly. Is there a mailing list for when this gets published? I need this in my library, like, yesterday.

Brennon

D. S. Hale wrote 99 days ago

You write like a pro. Smooth. Clean. The tension mounts as the reader continues. This is one of the best pieces i've seen on here. if this was a printed book, I'd buy it now. no way that i couldn't! i want it to be in my library. No wonder you have climbed the charts to #11. Great job! I am giving you 6 stars, and a promise to get on my shelf as soon as the next round of editor's picks. I love it, and highly recommend it!!!

Sincerely,
Donna
Jessup and the Teleporter

Oh, I forgot you were an old man, and we were in a restraunt! lol Let them stare. you have mesmerized this girl, and no gold digging for me! This is real!! lol

Lara wrote 104 days ago

I don't usually read this genre but this one really impressed me. The quality of the writing as well as the ideas meant I had to back it. Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

GJC wrote 104 days ago

Ted,
I was told to take a look at your book because I might enjoy - and although I have only just started reading on here, \i have to say this is great writing. I like your spare style, very different but still enjoyable. Works with the setting and story, and the pace of the reading is great. This isn't much of a comment right now, but I want to let you know how impressed I was. I see your book is highly ranked, but I want to add it to my shelf because it deserves to make the top.
GJC

berniemint wrote 117 days ago

Read first 5 chapters and although cyberpunk is not my thing, I found the writing tight, fast-paced and compelling. A well-visualised world brought to the reader with clarity and authority. Good luck with the desk!

Trenor wrote 126 days ago

Great premise. Expertly written. I think you are on to something here.
High stars!

Trenor
The Lords of Invention

Susanna Clayson wrote 128 days ago

Hi Ted,
spotted you in Mary Jane's messages and though i can't claim to have read much (i shall return!) yet i can see the quality of the writing in a genre i would not usually gravitate towards. You deserve to reach the desk and how tantalising to be this close. i shall find a place on my bookshelf til Feb and wish you all the best with both your books.
good luck
Susanna
Eccles Cake Collection

D M Sharples wrote 131 days ago

Ted,

Having returned to the site after a bit of a break from writing, I am glad to see that it is still going strong, and that work of a standard such as this is climbing its way up towards the desk. I've gone through the first five chapters, and have only stopped because I've things I have to do today. I could've quite happily carried on with this, as it is really quite a wonderfully written piece. Your style is easy to read, yet not too simplistic, with an almost perfect structuring.

I enjoy the short(ish) chapters, not only do they make it easier to read on the site, but they keep the reader's interest held from one to the next, never getting bogged down in too much description, unnecessary exposition, or other such trappings of writing. The characters are almost instantly 'there' for me; I can conjure the images of each part of the story with little to no effort - a task that shows you have a clear understanding of how much to show the reader before letting them create the rest, customising their reading experience. A mark of a skilled writer. And the imagery you do provide is wonderful: the poplar seeds, the funnel cloud skyscrapers, both absolutely wonderful descriptions that satisfy on several levels - subtlety, familiarity, clarity...all within those few words.

I do try to offer some form of constructive criticism where I can, but I struggle here as I found myself being sucked in and forgot that I should be looking for things to point out. The only part I could offer such comments on would be during the first chapter, where I thought some of the interactions between Zoya and Georgy leaned more towards the romantic than of brother and sister, primarily due to word choice. For example, being "swept into the arms of her brother", sounds a bit odd. A couple of other similar instances occurred in that chapter, and personally I would consider rewording them.

Overall then, this is a very good, finely polished and accomplished piece of writing. Great stuff.

DM

Tlank wrote 133 days ago

This reads like a good detective novel, I like it! One chapter in and curiosity has me, I will be reading more. You may be right, no need for politickin.

Travis Lankord

RVH wrote 136 days ago

Ted,
I came across your book through a friend's bookshelf and decided to have a look. I found your writing style easy to read and even easier to immerse yourself in. The chapters are short enough not to discourage the reader and the tech terms easily absorbed. Highly rated and enjoyed.

Cheers,
Robyn
Elendra - Tides of Easthaven

subra_2k123 wrote 139 days ago

Hi Ted,
At last I found someone who can speak my language. In an age of highjacked researchers( Newton, Einstein and all other folks making good money, spending their research on an eternal question of " how to make CeraVe 1% more smoother on skin than Nivea). The Immortality game is a peep in to future. Wonderful story that satiate the appetite of Sci. fi lovers. Highly starred and feel proud about doing so.

venkatarama
Ozoneraser

Mary Jane Fahy wrote 142 days ago

Fab, on my WL for reading later after I've finished my mountain of ironing.
M.J

Mary Jane Fahy wrote 144 days ago

On my WL & high-starred.
M.J

Graham Jon Don Lench wrote 146 days ago

I have just read the first two chapters and must say thoroughly enjoyed the story so far. I like the ideas, it didn't go over the top with the technical side of things and will read more tomorrow as the story pulled me right in. It is well written, the chapters so far are concise and to the point, and I love the concept of downloading our 'mind' or personality, very intriguing.
I have starred and backed as I will continue to read more.

Seringapatam wrote 146 days ago

Ted. Excellent book. I nearly broke my three chapter rule. I love the way you get your point over in a nice flowing style. I can see big things for this book. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)

Ellie S Lee wrote 149 days ago

What an imagination you have here and how well sustained, such beautiful writing too but not at all showy, never overwhelming the story, simply great quality. I’ve ventured beyond my comfort zone with this and you had me riveted. Very well done

subra_2k123 wrote 150 days ago

eerie but compelling read. highly starred.

venkatarama
Ozoneraser

Andrea Taylor wrote 160 days ago

This is well written and interesting. It leads the reader in step by step with just enough info to keep us wanting more. What more can one ask of a book? Very good!
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

subra_2k123 wrote 161 days ago

Ear slots...Apartment voices...these are exactly the kind of things that makes Sci-Fi so interesting and attention grabbing. Your plot seems to be well built and the beginning is done well. Marcus interacting with what I believe is his dead father is quite intriguing. Being a fan of Science fiction, I must say I deeply enjoyed reading the first three chapters and this is the kind of book I would gladly spend my money on.

Good Luck,
Venkatarama

Parogar wrote 163 days ago

You have an excellent writing style. Everything from your word-usage to sentence structure are all on par with what I'd tend to find in a published book, and your pacing is also good enough that one paragraph flows into another with very little abruptness or confusion.

Now, since you're writing a multiple POV story, I know it won't be revealed until later on where the POV characters intermingle, so I didn't feel that the story was at all disjointed from the switch. What I did think, however, is that the story (intentionally) makes certain elements just a little bit too ambiguous. In the first three chapters, I was able to follow them quite easily due to the skillful writing, but it was only as I reached the end of chapter three that I realized I actually didn't have that much of a clue as to what was really going on in the grand scheme of things; in terms of plot.

In Chapter 2, the techno-talk was a bit confusing. It went on a bit, and I really just couldn't follow it as well as I'd hoped to be able to. My recommendation for chapter 2 would be to reduce the technobabble just a pinch because after a point it becomes jarring. But for all three chapters overall, I think giving just a few more "hints", without reveling everything. I think I know what you're going for. There's a world of mystery and plot waiting to be discovered for the reader, but I think giving us just a bit more reason for the urgency and conflict early on will help to more firmly plant the reader into the tension.

If I had to be completely honest with you, there's probably a bunch of plot things I could criticize if I re-read it, but the writing was so good that I didn't notice them. Maybe I'm just overly enthusiastic because this was one of the few things I've read so far on Authonomy since RJ's where I could actually, 100% place myself inside of a character's head. Honestly, if you can get a reader that far, they'll usually come along for the ride no matter what genre or story you're telling.

The first and third chapters were my favorite of the three, especially the scarier third, with Georgy and the "gangsters". The second one was a bit muddled in shadows, and by that I mean it was purposely (I think you did it on purpose) a bit confusing.

I'd buy this in a bookstore because the writing is indistinguishable from other published authors--by that I mean I can't look at it and say amateur author!--and it had a gripping first chapter. I don't feel as if you're trying to teach me new words, and I don't get the sense that you're trying to teach me anything, really. The story comes off like just that; a story. It reads like someone who has a tale they want to tell, and they're doing so in the most accessible way they can.... minus the technobabble.

MiriamNConde wrote 164 days ago

Thanks for telling me about authonomy! The Immortality Game is now on my watchlist. I can't wait to see it published.

Michael Matula wrote 169 days ago

Excellent work. Great, clean writing that has a very nice flow to it, along with some wonderful little details and a really engaging concept. I love the setting, as I don't think I've read anything that takes place in future Moscow before, and I really like Zoya as a protagonist. The sections with her worked especially well for me in the three chapters I've read so far. Chapter two did slow down a bit for me, as while I really liked the AI father, the Marcus character seems a bit immature to me and hasn't quite hooked me yet.

This is highly polished, though (the only things I might have possibly changed were incredibly minor, and may simply be personal preference, like: “Reluctantly(,) she enabled” / “Years ago(,) Phoenix”/ and I might make it something like “crumbling concrete (and) a blur of gray sky” instead; again, though, all of these instances may be perfectly fine.)

Overall, I thought this was a terrific start to the book, and the first three chapters definitely made me interested in reading more.
Full stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless
What, the Elf?

Sylvia wrote 174 days ago

Aside from one small issue, I found this story astonishingly well written and completely gripping.

It's difficult to imagine how you thought up the characters: a protagonist who does beauty treatments for corpses, then a fat student with his father plugged into his brain: 'Something I've been searching for ever since I died.' Despite this strangeness and the future setting, the people are totally believable and the reality is as gritty as it gets, especially the encounter between Georgy and Tavik. I also like the notion of Mesh, which is a strong possibility even now.

Poplar seeds floated like snowflakes on the summer breeze … This is one of those descriptions that can only come from close familiarity to a place. (I've since seen from your bio that this is the case.) It not only brings the story alive, it also makes it feel authentic.

From the chapters I've read, I'd definitely buy this novel. It should get a great review from HC and It should be published. Starred and on my shelf until it makes the desk.

My only gripe is the opening paragraph:

It would be too easy to say one hates working with corpses … This is too impersonal for a first line. Who is one? The narrator? The character? The queen?

… onto the grossly fat man on the stainless steel slab … is it possible to avoid the repeat of 'on' or make it less noticeable. I know this is picky, but it is the opening paragraph.

Blancherose wrote 184 days ago

This is a fast paced science fiction with plenty of action and with a mind stretching plot.
It is true that some of your setting need a little more foundation or imagery for the reader to better visualize what is going on, but a great read. Congratulations!
Blessings Roslyn
"I Am" through the Ages

FGCollinse wrote 195 days ago

I really like the opening chapter of your book. Backed.