The Benjamin Exhibition

LF 40 Review,
Simon,
There’s so much in this that’s fantastic. The immediacy, the characterisation, the dialogue, the acute observations. I could go on, but you get my drift. I didn’t pick up any obvious typos so won’t be giving you a list of ‘corrections’.
For what it’s worth, this my purely subjective response.

Like others I struggled with the book’s relentless terror/horror. The reader is absolutely in amongst the action and, choosing the kid’s perspective, means we experience the helplessness as the drama unfolds.
The relentlessness may well be your main problem commercially. If I were an agent or editor I would be asking you to lighten the reader’s emotional load – and you do this brilliantly with asides and wit on many occasions but it doesn’t feel balanced at the moment.
The way you’ve presented it there’s a grim repetitiveness to the abuse (and I know it’s integral) that may put off readers and agents who think they’re going to get a ‘one note’ novel. If you take the first three chapters they seem to echo one another – each time Tommy’s in peril, Tommy’s attacked, Tommy hides (and I know that’s an oversimplification). You do move the story forward and subtly introduce necessary exposition but the reader has to work very hard to move through the awfulness of this situation.
That said, as a writer you remind me of someone like James Kelman – you are unashamedly choosing a style that risks alienating the reader but it is your style, it’s original, it’s effective and it does justice to your subject.
It would be easy to say throw in more jokes and make it into a kind of ‘Curious Incident ..’ type book but credit to you for not trying to ape someone else and credit to your for sticking with your vision.
Good luck with this project.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

I can see why this is book of the week! The writing is excellent. You use accents/dialect and particularly "Mam" very well, giving the reader a rounded view of the characters and setting but excluding any audience by making it difficult to read. The opening made me smile, it is very nostalgic and beautiful. I am yet to read your other book but if it's as good as this one, someone will snap you up eventually so don't give up, your writing deserves to be published!

Backed with ease!!!!

Laura

LF40 Review Supplement
These comments are made on the basis of my overall impressions on finishing an on-screen read of Part 3.
You really do have a great skill for weaving words. Your narrator is an eloquent observer which is great for the reader – not too much of the guesswork often involved in reading the memoir of the deprived, the undereducated. Some may find it incongruous to have so clear and able a voice attached to Tommy, who has had no means to develop it. I think of it as the mature (and, it turns out, successful – I do like a happy ending) adult expressing all this years later. I said this earlier, when commenting on the adult reflections of the infant Tommy. This works well.
Maybe because there was a pause between my finishing part 2 and starting the last seventeen chapters I found the whole drug dealing scene quite bewildering. I did not go back to remind myself who people were, hoping it would either become clear or not matter, but the book changed from a sparsely-populated childhood account to being a grown-up one crowded with characters. And bars and clubs. There was a period where Tommy was bouncing like a ball, kicked from one dive to the next, each peopled with its own inexplicable low-lifes. I clung on. Maybe this was your intention, to leave the reader as confused as Tommy himself, but I felt a bit irritated. Even now I am not sure I know who Michael Riley is.
You like the reader to wonder what is happening, and overall it is an enjoyable experience – the reader has learned to trust you that it does all hang together. There were times, though, when I felt that a bit less wondering and a bit more knowing would have been better.
Clara was well described, so accurate a characterisation of the type. I did not quite buy into her being so massively helpful to Tommy in the end – maybe I missed something. So much effort would be explained by love – I’m not convinced she felt this, and Annie’s presence sort of rules it out – or greed. Greed is more in line with the character, but her access to material gain by acting as Tommy’s artistic agent comes too late to avoid the reader asking himself why she did so much. Maybe it’s there and I overlooked it, but an earlier hint of some sort would have been helpful.
Finally, there is something I cannot define (how helpful is that?) lacking in Annie. We are made aware of how important she is to Tommy, but not quite why. OK, they comforted one another as scared/confused children – but she did run off at key moments, and was absent for so long that the immediacy of their attraction felt rushed. The picture in my mind of this key character is not clear enough. You describe beautifully the eyes of a chance encounter in a bar, but I don’t even remember the colour of Annie’s.
Rather than provide a list of nit-picks I attach your document highlighted. Yellow is a nit-pick, red something I thought did not work, green something I really liked. I was not completely diligent in all this, there would have been far more green.
Simon, The Benjamin Exhibition is excellent. So much great stuff in there, really breathtaking similes, witty asides, a compelling story, good characters. I hope you get it published.

Hello Simon,
As promised I read your work because you backed mine – thank you. Having been exposed to a drunken step-father as a child, I can’t stomach this kind of story. Maybe that’s why I prefer fantasy and science fiction. I could happily have wrung Daryl Boyd’s neck on page 1. Anyway, I read the first four chapters and couldn’t find any errors, especially seeing that it was a five-year old’s point of view. But there’s the rub, I think it’s a bit to mature for a kid that age. I’m not at all found of first person tales as a reader because they force me to play the protagonist. In third person writing, there is so much more scope for exploring the thoughts of all the characters.
Having said all that, I must say that you paint an accurate picture of life under the influence. I found no glaring faults in your writing or style. Cos is a tricky one – not sure if editors will like it – maybe ‘cos or ‘cause are more acceptable??
People like Mam and Daryl should be neutered at puberty to clean up the human gene pool.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

Simon,

Further comments as promised.

Chapter 7

‘She opens the door and stop’s dancing’ – should be ‘stops’ – no apostrophe

I like this chapter. Annie seems to bring a little laughter in, she talks non bloody stop, and I like his non-reaction. Listening to her talk about ‘pointless stuff’ made me laugh.

Now, the image on the cover doesn’t match Annie in my opinion, but I doubt this is what you were after? In any case, the cover is fantastic, and the more I read of this, the more it ties in.

So, chapter 18

‘Radgy’ voice? I think I highlighted this before – would love to know what it means!

So, Annie is back. I have to tell you now, I'm going to need to read the chapters in between too! I really, really like this. I liked it before, but the re-introduction of Annie in this chapter has sealed it for me.

Very well written. It almost felt like a homecoming – god, how corny does that sound? But it feels like Annie is about to become his anchor. A sweet thing from his awful childhood. Really interested to see how this all pans out.

His 16 year old voice works well, I like that it's still undeniably him. The rambling sentences are still there, but they're nowhere near as childlike.

I have a ton of catch up reads to do, but I will absolutely be reading chapters 8-17, and I’d be happy to read whatever else you have if it’s not up on Autho.

Hello, Simon I added your book to my watch list and will read it in the next week. It sounds very interesting, so say the least!

If you have some time, I'd appreciate you reading a few chapters of Kissing Your Elbow.

Thanks and Good Luck!

Susan Stocker
Kissing Your Elbow

Wow, Gauis, don't hate me but...I like this one more than your other. What is a Geordie? Why are they not liked?

CH1 Superbly written. Had me from start to finish. It has a familiar feel to it. Drunk abusive father, caring but ineffectual mother. This not the sort of book I normally read but as a 'drop in' I felt it ticked the boxes for this genre and style. The title is very different, the cover has a tug to it. I believe there is a significant audience for this on Authonomy.
Good luck

Hey Simon

LF40 Review – obviously ignore what you want to

Cover – I liked this. Kind of reminds me of some of the street art I’ve seen around (the little girl). No idea if it’s in the Banksy vein, but I liked it. Gives off the image that the book will be gritty but have something behind it, if that makes sense.

Pitch – If I’m honest, it didn’t grab me much. It seemed to read as a childrens book pitch. The ‘ugly Aunty’ is what did it, I think.

Part 1
I like the Italia 90 reference. It instantly feels familiar – although I admit I was too young to really care at the time.

The first line – for some reason I wanted the ‘you’ to read as ‘I’.
‘Everybody cheers’ – made me think there were more people in the room than they were. Like a family gathering or something. Maybe ‘We all cheer’?

You create the imagery well. The pausing of a video effect and the eerie silence after was something I liked. I just know there’s going to be trouble ahead. The unit of 3 which you’ve described so far seems so rose tinted that it has to be the prelude to something dark.

‘Bells’, it says, but it doesn’t ring, it crashes – nice line

‘Praying like always that Nana hadn’t died’ – the praying jarred. Personally, I’d have put wishing, especially coming from a child’s POV.

Lyrics are generally in italics.

Nice first chapter. You’ve managed to get into the head of a child really quite well. The safe place under the stairs, the rambling sentences. It’s enough for me to keep reading.

Chapter 2 – as a note, your chapter 1 was called Part 1. Not sure if the inconsistency is on purpose?

This is a nice start. Again, emphasising the closeness between the mum and two brothers until Daryl shows up. It creates a nice image with the bodies tangled up watching the sunlight in that early morning haze when everything seems fine until the day starts.

‘There’s just the cold on my arm where Benjy’s neck touched’ – the last 3 words jarred. Felt like you’d missed a word here.

‘Talking hissy fast’ – had no idea what this meant, same with ‘radge’ – did you mean rage? I can see that you’re using local dialogue though I have no idea where. Just be careful about using slang where some people might not understand what you mean.

Again – nice imagery. Crushed up Weetabix, the smell of Nana and the black curls around the gold ring. Like the sense of trauma masked behind trying to be brave.

Chapter 3

I really like the first line here. Killing the house, pulling out the stuff that makes it alive. So much more emotive than just saying he’s bashing the walls and doors in etc.

Princess Leah – Princess Leia

The conversation with his Nana - I don’t know. It kind of felt like an info-dump to me, but I like the stubbing out of the cigarette even when it’s out. Him touching her arm and it making her lips go tight – I wasn’t sure about this. The comparison to the photo I mean. I’m guessing that the photo in question is her on her wedding day? If so, going by how she’s described Benjamin, I’d have expected her to be happy. She’s marrying for love obviously since she’s ignored her mum’s advice. But the comparison of her mouth tightening when she’s talking about her own mortality to the picture took the edge off it. It made me wonder – did she have some idea at the time that marrying him was a mistake? Make sense?

The hole in the wardrobe door – you’ve already made a comparison of it being like teeth (although last time it was monster’s teeth). Nothing major, just thought I’d highlight it. Same with the fiery orange of the rainbow blanket.

‘The wardrobe groans when you open the door’ – Again, I felt like this would read better as ‘I’ instead of ‘you’.

Chapter 4

‘The smile ache’s on my face’ – should be aches

So Benjy’s five? I don’t know why but from your earlier chapters I had the impression he was a toddler?

The jump from buying the ticket to being on the train where it jerks forward felt a bit weird, almost like it happened too quick?

I like him nipping himself to feel pain and make himself feel better. Not like it as in, like it, but like it as in its something most of us do when we’re in that situation where the feelings get too much. Nicely written.

When they’re at the post box – ‘Mam doesn’t say’ – say what?

I like the obvious torment from the mum even though she says nothing about Benjy, really. You’ve handled his thoughts well, feeling like his mum hates him and wishes it was him taken instead of his brother. This must be a very natural reaction.

Chapter 5

Love the line about keeping the videos separate so they don’t shoot each other. Great way to get into the POV of a child.

I also liked the twist of Daryl being seemingly nice, and then dropping in the line about the devil. What an evil guy – as if I didn’t know that already.

Chapter 6

The gravelly way John Wayne walks – jarred a little. Usually when I hear the word ‘gravelly’ I’m thinking of someone’s voice?

Him drawing out the scene from the film, again, really good imagery and POV here. It’s something all children do and the line about them maybe taking his mum along – really shows the growing isolation I felt. It feels like he’s waiting for his dad to come along and save him, it’s so sad really, but again, perfect mindset for a child that age and in that circumstance.

‘Siggy pavement’?

Overall impressions of this – I liked it. As I’ve said, your POV is very strong and the descriptions of his family and the isolation he feels is very strong. I don’t usually like dialect in dialogue, but I think it works, particularly for Daryl’s character. It’s a very emotive piece of work, and something that a lot of kids will relate to. I’m not sure though who this is aimed at. As far as lit. fic goes, it’s very accessible. It reminds me of Blood Brothers for some reason, and because of that I’d say it has a definite adult AND teenage market. Quiet easily something I’d expect to see in an English lesson due to it’s content, even with the smattering of bad language.

Criticisms? Don’t actually have any. I think maybe I’d like to know what he’s like in his later years by some point where I’ve read up to as at the moment, it feels very much like the story is only set in these early years, but judging by your pitch this is not the case.

I’ve given you five stars based on what I’ve read and it’s worth a spin on my shelf once the backlog is cleared.

Silva

This story is sensitive, touching and very moving. I cannot add to what Margaret has commented below and agree this book deserves to succeed. Well done.
Kind Regards.
Bradley (Tricia)

Simon, As I promised I read Benjamin first - and like others found it a searing, moving and, most oddly, endearing experience. Tommy is real, and so, so fragile yet somewhere in there he has strength and a particular compassion of his own. And self respect, at least in the earlier days. The blinks of bravado, however ill judged, and his repeated protection of his mum tell us that, even when he appears to walking out of his old life into a new and much murkier one. The reader latches on to those qualities, and hopes.

You know how to project inner torment and how it can become entrenched, even as the child grows and matures. The way you depict the lasting results of abuse and childhood confusion is an object lesson for all writers, and indeed for care workers and anybody involved with children at risk who may not be as imaginative and understanding as they should be. The balance and structure of The Benjamin Experience is well nigh perfect and I feel confident that you will continue the careful handling in the rest of the story. This book deserves to succeed and I shall star it highly.

Reading the comments below there is little I can add. I am inclined to agree about the title, and can understand Americans heading off in the wrong direction. How about using Benjy instead? Losing Benjy? Missing Benjy? Or... In the last chapter posted you use the phrase 'shark's bite', or something similar, but maybe that is too stark and misleading, too negative of Tommy's persona. Or Our Broken Pinocchio? Except it turns out that Tommy is the broken one, for I sense that Benjy may come back into the story and may even be the stronger brother.

I wish you every success with this. From what I see, I think this is just about ready to be sent out to agents, unlike most of the submissions here. I shall have a look at Charlie as well - and feel sure that it will be worth reading. It is always worth having a second offering when approaching an agent, because it shows that you can produce one. I also think your word length is spot on and your topic is highly topical. So off you go and succeed!

Margaret Woodward : Kilbaddy

Whilst reading this, I felt my heart breaking.
This isn't something I would usually read, but I recognise talent none the less.
I think it's your child-like narrative I love the most, and in particular, the comparisons that only a child would make. Like the colour comparisons of the rainbow blanket with the grass on the playground etc. And the broken pinocchio and blood like ribena.
In short, I think this is amazing.
I shall keep you on my WL until I have space to back you. I'll rate you 6 stars for now.

Thank you for a truly compelling read.
I wish you the best of luck.

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

I endeavoured to post a response to this last night, but it failed to deliver. Will try to recapture the gist.

I wasn't altogether sure what was happening in this highly intimate tale: a child clinging to the scent of his mother, shoved against fear, poverty, emotional and physical, but with a mind that sears through and records (beautifully) each movement (of his need), as it shifts away from him.
The floorboard part also had me confused, the monstrous hirsute hand; not sure what it meant, is it real?
The writing forms a lineage. Memory, retracing the morsels of human good, tearing the scraps of nutriment from his love for mam and brother.
I read into a few chapters and met the bullies and the hard men; believable, recognisable, as the author knows and recalls them well. The mam so clung onto, turns her back and leans toward something far more dangerous. I felt a sense of unease, of unworthiness; a life that could so easily have been checked and changed. A carelessness of choice that is both infuriating and piquant. The voice embroiders the edges of squalor, giving selvedge, but one fears for the voice, of being found out, that beauty being snuffed out, or that the voice will be corrupted by expediency.

The pages I read were a spotlight on the hard life, gritty and without compromise. I confess to not reading so far into it, but, from what I understand, publishers only read a few thousand words, so thought it would be a fair amount for an appraisal.
I like to use the 'left on the train' test. If found, this would be absorbing. The writing of a convincing calibre, but perhaps I would be glad to put it down, for a while, at least. But am in two minds, and would possibly regret leaving it behind altogether. I want to know how the wee man gets along.
It has a scent it's own.

I will star this for the time being, and back it later in the month.

Very best wishes to you, and good luck with your work

The Benjamin Exhibition:

It was your Book Cover that brought my attention to your book, and I don't read pitches before reading, but I did read the prologue.

This is not the kind of book I like reading, but bloody hell, your writing, and wee Tommy, sure kept me reading through the first chapter. I will read more, of course, and will definitely shelve this when I give the others on my W-list their promised turn.

Cáit :o)

Hi Simon
The Benjamin exhibition--

Just read the first eight chapter , of this down to earth story.
my heart goes out for poor Tommy and he survives in the grim surroundings.
told in the first person narrative, it comes across as a sad, and heart-breaking tale.
Have to admit that i enjoyed what i read, and had no problem turning the pages to read more.
compelling and well written.

good luck with it Simon
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'
oblige and glance at mine if time, also about a young boy growing up in dublin in the 40s

So I read this. All you had up of it, anyway. What amazingly beautiful work this is.

I know I saw apostrophes out of place here and there, but I was too engrossed in the read to give a damn and far, far too fascinated to bother writing them down.

Lovely insights here. The desperate way we cling to rituals; the painful ways we choose to punish ourselves; the way what we become is decided by others. The last chapter here left me in shreds of anxiety - one of the best sex scenes I've read, and then the hint of the horror which seems about to come. Which wasn't there, and maybe just as well, or I'd be reading still, and probably having a panic attack.

Yet another book that gives me cause to say: Why read a few chapters? Read everything he gives you, and be glad of it.

LF40 review The Benjamin Exhibition (a title with uncertain meaning)

This is a seriously beautiful piece of writing. I've read to chapter 9 and intend to continue, but will comment on it so far - not just on the work but on other comments here. It's important to know that not all your readers agree!

I expected this to be a gruelling read and was relieved and delighted to find it wasn't. The implicit and actual abuse was not the whole story and didn't oppress. This is largely due to the 1st person narrative. By allowing us to feel the boy's undaunted spirit in the face of parental terrorism, to witness the emergence of his survival instincts, the depth of his love and the humour in his hate, you created an atmosphere more of hope than horror. Your writing taps the poetry of the human spirit.

Although Beni's voice in the prologue is exquisite - the immediate and permanent shift to Tommy's pov was confusing for awhile. I don't subscribe to the view that a reader should never have to go back and think over a previous passage - but the writer needs a reason to shift pov. For example: are we going to link up with Benji's story later so need to hear his voice at the outset? If not, perhaps the prologue, as beautiful as it is, just doesn't belong.

I don't have difficulty with the terms 5 year old Tommy uses. His circumstances are unusual so his language will be...kids pick up phrases they hear with amazing ease so Tommy's voice tells us a whole lot about his life experience that the narrative doesn't need to spell out.

After the initial removal of Benji, there is a simmering tension that carries us through the early chapters, always threatening something catastrophic, but holding off, and holding our attention. Description is rich and yet sparse, suggesting more than is ever said. To quote just one example at random. '... a sound coming out of her like our dodgy kitchen tap.'

There is a level of confusion in the first few chapters, as we only get a rough idea of what is going on - but I found it consistent with the child's confusion - the inability to fathom the adult world and in particular, this dysfunctional one. In contrast and appropriately, as Tommy gets older, his descriptions of events have more clarity.

This is the kind of book I want to hold in my hand, not scroll down pages on my computer! It is a book I'd read more than once; it could become the kind of classic I dip into again and again.

j.marie

Just a few typos:
In chapter 6: and I remember [of] his hand on Mam’s mouth, making her sound like a baby, and how we always have to do what Daryl says, in case he gets in a [radge].
Chap 9: I’m in a big hurry to get [o] school. 

i'm really enjoying this, dark as it is. i've given lots of stars- for whatever that's worth- and as soon as i next shuffle things around, i'll find you a spot on my shelf. i look forward to reading on.

I only read the first chapter.
Damn.
I can't help but be reminded of The Hours, which I just finished reading. Not in how it's written necessarily or in its theme, but in how it made me feel. Quite the buzz kill. Brilliant. But a truly depressing account of a family's struggle with abuse and poverty. I generally don't read books that speak of harming children (I have two and am anxious enough, thank you), but I hope to return to read through chapter two. For me, reading this book will take place in segments, over time so as not to drag me down into the unrelenting despair that emanates form your emotional narrative and flawless dialogue. I will come back though. Your writing is that good. Six stars. JKinkade

Much apology for taking so effing long with this - and feeling ashamed because it's not really much of a review. I just read the whole lot again.... and the knots inside were there again ... the sadness, empathy, sympathy ... a lot of emotion for this lad Tommy and what he's had to endure.

I like the way you write and how you capture the head and mind of a young boy, I feel, very well ... I'm there with him, experiencing his fear, his longing, his guilt and his pain.

I love how you describe his relationship with Annie - and laughed loudly at her request for them to be naked - and Tommy's shyness .... I thought this was really well done.

I enjoyed all of this and will buy it when it's published, which it will be....

All the best, Mate ..

Mick

LF40 review:
Hello Simon
Prologue
I found the opening paragraph immediately inviting. But I was confused as to where the boys were. At one point I thought they might be curled up in the wardrobe, since you mentioned the hole in the door, “jagged as a monster’s teeth” as you memorably described it. But it appears they were in bed. The problem for me was that although the blanket was described in great detail, the rest of the setting was vague. I had difficulty imagining the scene from the way you described it. Why was the wardrobe door open for instance?
The use of ‘he’ is overly ambiguous in my view. ‘He’ sometimes refers to Tommy, and ‘He’ ( capitalised) could refer to a number of different things, including the narrator’s alter ego ( a common device among Authonomy authors). It was only in chapter 1 that I realised who He was.
The additional bits in red improve the narration in my opinion.
I’m not sure why this is designated ‘prologue’or why it is uniquely written from Benjy’s viewpoint.
Chapter 1
The change in narrators is a bit surprising.
“snake bitch tattoo” did not strike me as thoughts of a 5 year old.
The description of the broken arm and blood like Ribena seems to me to be just the sort of tone you are aiming at, vivid, sophisticated, but still within the vocabulary of a child.
I’m in two minds about the way you introduce Daryl. On one hand, he is something of a pantomime villain, not a real person, but a force of evil to propel the story. On the other, to the boys, he may well be a pantomime villain.
Chapter 2
Radge should read rage.
This is quite confusing, since it follows on from the prologue, but without any real reference to chapter 1 apart from Daryl’s abusive behaviour. I gather that chapter 1 takes place first, the boys go to hospital which leads to the social turning up in the prologue which is continued in chapter 2. But I had to read back to understand this.
There also is a reliance in the first 3 chapters on hiding as a device.
Chapter 3 really came to life for me. This chapter achieved your aims very well indeed and in some ways, I wished you had started here. The interaction between Tommy and grandma was touching. The pace of this chapter is less frantic than the opening 3 and it benefits the narrative, I think.
The “dragon’s teeth” hole is an admirable metaphor for both the violence in the house and the separation of the two boys, but it again I was somewhat confused by its use. It seemed to me you contrived Tommy putting his hand in it, just to use it.
Chapter 4 continues in the same vein as the previous, although now it begins to get a bit bogged down in details.
Chapter 5 seems like a good opportunity to flesh out Daryl. You depict him again as a nasty piece of work, this time psychologically bullying Tommy. I don’t know about this. Perhaps I would prefer a little more light and shade about the character.
Short Pitch: Tells the audience what it is all about, but would not particularly entice me to read it.
Long pitch: Much the same as the short pitch.
I read this especially with the specific points you asked me to consider in mind: clarity and capturing the tone of a 5 year. It is quite a feat of juggling to make a book both appealing to literate adults but to remain true to the feel of a 5 year old narrator. I’m not sure if it is quite there yet, but you’ve made a more than valiant effort at it. But it’s been a long time since I was 5 and I’m no authority on this type of literature.
Clarity was a problem for me, especially in the opening 3 chapters.
Good luck.
Daniel
‘Headless’

LF 40 review of The Benjamin Exhibition by Simon Van der Velde
This book is about growing up abused and deprived in a poor Northern town and so might not appeal immediately to the fun-loving Authonomist, but it is thought-provoking and skilfully told. The situation confronted by the MCs – two brothers - is too common and we need to understand how people’s lives are effected. From Dickens on such stories have often been told and need continually retelling. Van de Velde does an accomplished job, making us experience the abuse whether we want to or not – I do not – and making us angry and sad. There is humour, but the reader is too busy being angry or sad to notice much. Overall, a good book and worth reading and, in my opinion, starring.
Prologue
Very well-written and my heart is sinking. Misery, I can feel it in the first few lines. That’s good – your aim – but I don’t enjoy this type of work. I read Doyle’s ‘The Woman who Walked into Doors’ and think it scarred me.
I like the opening, it tells us pretty much all we need to know about the domestic situation. The use of the capitalised He etc is good – but I am glad when the name appears.
I thought the inclusion of ‘red like His face’ in the sentence which was positive, ending with ‘It’s beautiful’ was odd. Sensing what is to come, it seems strange that Benj puts Him in anything good.
Ch1
I’m not sure about these ‘cos’s. OK, it’s a child talking but the narrative uses many unchildish words.
I’m hating it, by the way, which is good Misery.
Ch 2, 3
Back to the ‘cos’ thing. The narration is excellent, fluent, many good images and childish reflections. But it is definitely an adult voice recounting a child’s feelings. Which is good – I have trouble with books entirely written as a five year old or as a pidgin-speaking freed slave or whatnot – but still the ‘cos’ is inconsistent.
Comment from after I had read through to chapter 9: I think there may be something of a recurring problem with the age of the protagonists – either that or Tommy is very precocious. In general you do not have many logic / chronology / credibility issues but I think this might be one. If the reader is uncomfortable or feels he has not understood you risk losing him.
Ch5
The Devil threat - this is a new sort of cruelty from Daryl, psychological. I did not feel it completely developed, so Tommy’s fear was not credible. Maybe something about where Tommy gets his perception of what the Devil represents – from his religious Nan perhaps. The bit in the Church about choosing the devil over the deep blue sea is brilliant.
Ch 7
I’m thinking that we’ve heard Tommy’s guilt thing about Benjy being taken often enough now.
I like the new character, Annie – great that you got so far with so few – but the description of Annie did not inform me of her appearance adequately.
Ch 8
It would help to have a new indication of Tommy’s (and Annie’s) age, given the bedroom intimacy.
Overall: well-written and horribly fascinating. I have only read 1-10 and am interested enough to go further, despite my position as a selfish and superficial person, that there is enough misery in the world without spending my leisure hours reading about it. Well done.
Timothy F J (The Umbrella Men)

Nitpicks:

Ch2
Para 1 – Daryl is in a ‘radge’. Is that intentional or is it ‘rage’?
In the cupboard there’s an ‘e’ missing off ‘breathe’
Ch4
I’m not sure that a deprived 5-year old would have the reading and counting skills Tommy seems to have here.
Ch 5
Missing apostrophe in ‘it’s’ in : I don’t think about Daryl and the devil for ages, not till its late and I’m back in bed watching….
Suit not suite
Ch 6
Another ‘radge’. Must be Newcastle?
Ch 10
Rumplestitlskin shd be Rumplestiltskin

F40 review,
I love your writting style, it is gritty and I love how closely pay attention to detail. Like how they were playing soccor and his cury hair that stayed in place. Some of it was a bit hard to follow being first person narrator I loose that big picture that I am used to with third person narration. But I love the subtle emotions you get to in dialogue and the reflections of your characters. The last character monlogue on the first paragraph, where he thought everything was his fault, sent chills down my spine. I love it, I wish you the best of luck. If you have time, maybe you can look at my book, it would mean a lot. I also decided to back your book, it just really stands out to me as being beautiful.

I read the prologue and Chapter 1 and I'm impressed beyond measure. This is an intense and compelling read. I would love to make suggestions on this but I seem to be immature yet to do so. The person who wrote the comment before me has good points. I have only words of praise for you - judging by the criteria 'Would I buy this book if I chanced upon it in a bookstore?", The Benjamin Exhibition would definitely go to my real shelf.

Ivan

Great cover – Bradley is really brilliant isn’t he.

Short pitch is good. Long pitch is a bit rambling and seems to go into too much detail. that is only my very humble opinion and please ignore anything I say. As you seem to be aware I simply comment as a reader in a very gut reaction sort of way.

My very first impression is that the thoughts are rather advanced for a five year old, the vocabulary seems a little too mature. Although the flow is good and the story is gripping I feel as though it might work better if it told as a memory, I just don’t feel that this is a five year old boy narrating. (I don't really like prologues but I don't think that is really relevant here)

Please don’t misunderstand I am finding it very atmospheric and really I do care about the children and the mother. Your characters are believable and the situation that they are in is vivid and that they are under threat comes across clearly. I just don’t think that you have really caught the age yet. I really think that this would work well as reminiscence if it could fit in the story. It is dramatic and real but just not told in a little child’s voice . For example in the cupboard when Benjie is leaning on the boards and your MC has his leg trapped. He wouldn’t think “The absence of Benjy’s breath” that is just far too mature for a teeny one and five is still teeny. Unless I am misunderstanding your aim here. Your writing is great and I am sure that this can be fixed and the story is really enthralling.

The dialogue from the older characters is convincing and realistic and truly my heart is sore for these poor children.

I hope that some of this is of help with your first chapters and I do truly believe that this story is worth the work and I wish you the very best of luck with it. If I have misunderstood and this was written as a reminiscence told by the MC at a later date then I apologise and commend you on the work.- Diane

I've only read the first chapter and I must say it is quite the story. Well deserved stars and have placed you on the shelf. I rarely make comments but I do back what i like.
Always J

Rite, fml, i'm being serious when i say this, i actually felt moved by ur pitch!!! never happened before - maybe i can relate to some of what Tommy's gone thru. iv not even started on the story yet. hav ppl said the same about ur pitch? it felt like a story in itself! very impressive. u seem to b about to deal with really complex emotions in a way above most other writers on this site - seems like theres lots of pitches about violence and murder and rape, when actually u can have far more depth when u look at emotions like guilt and blame. bravo. now on to the story................................ .................... ok, read the opening. By Him are you referring to god, coz if not i'd have it as him in italics. like the metaphors, blanket like monsters teeth, gives an ominous feel. Benjy's going to mis COS - is that a word? wudnt it be 'cause ? dunno. i get the feeling from reading this that your a way better writer than me so don’t think i can make suggestions to improve ur writing itself. I like how 'real' it feels, Mr Men, Gazza, Dolly Parton, old weetabix, sunderland won the cup, makes it feel like its happening in real life, and we can imagine ourselves in the story. Chpt 2, 2nd paragraph is indented and all the others aren't - not that it affects ur writing but mite make it look nice if they were all the same. Finding their mam a bit scary now, the way she speaks nicely to them while mistreating them. creapy. overall i found the first two chapters a bit heavy on the abuse, but thats personal preference i guess. good dialogue - mam, Fokker, fockin, ya cunt etcyou get a sense for the dialect. chapter 3 cos... should b a space before the ... which is normal convention. Not my genre but the writings obviously top notch. will read on! :-)

This seems like a story that’s been inside you for ages that you just had to write, a story you know so well that it just tumbles onto the page. It has an authentic feel to it and I’m rattling through, ten chapters in without really realising. I particularly liked :

‘I can hear boxes thumping, him moving around downstairs, killing more of our house, pulling out the stuff that makes it alive.’

and

‘But old drink that smells of sick and blame’

Compelling reading, Simon, I hope this does well for you.

Ellie

THE BENJAMIN EXHIBITION

a LF40 review

I see authonomy as largely being about writing community help and marketing - hopefully you'll see some of that reflected in my review.

COVER: Site generic. most of the time I see them I can't help but think the writer isn't serious about posting and participating on the site. I know that might not be the case but if I were a roaming agent/editor I may skip on by a cover of that sort...and well...covers are sort of something I focus on:
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/51100/free-book-cover-/
contact me should you like one.

TITLE: being from the states, I immediately thought "might be about Benjamin Franklin?" after reading the rest of your marketing package here (SP/LP) I'm not sure the title is quite clear. One would think something in the LP might clarify? might not be necessary.... anyway I think the title is fine but wouldn't catch my interest in a store.

SHORT PITCH: Good, has me interested.

LONG PITCH: First paragraph reads like a generic abuse story (sorry) There's an unnappealing clunkiness to the second paragraph. ...something in the comma sentences. Third paragraph makes me more interested and distances the generic feeling of that first paragraph.

TEXT: Gah, another prologue...I can't believe the number of prologues I find on Authonomy and how few I find in bookstores. I share this link and have for a while. I think the best bits are in the comment section or at least that's what I remember: http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2010/02/why-prologues-often-dont-work.html
Yours is short so has that helping it. You might break up the Prologue and chp 1...separate for Authonomy?

That first line isn't working for me. I'm trying to envision it and its slowing me up from the start. Is that his thigh on his neck? heh. Same deal with the Sometimes mam line in the same first paragraph....although i like that better than the first

You've got a lovely gritty feel here. I especially liked the use of the ashes.

Overall, i enjoyed the prologue...which is unusual for me.

and the first chapter was full of melodrama that made me feel bad for the kids but if I'm honest, not really care about what the rest of the story might hold. It's abuse scene and I've used them in my other novel and even so...I'm not a fan. heh.who is, I suppose, but there was nothing really there to link me into a greater picture, the promise of something grander. From the pitches I know it to be true and I think there could be something to hook me but I wasn't by the end of one. I can see you've got the writing chops, quite talented, so no doubt others will be drawn to this tale and I wish you the best of luck.

LF40 Review

I have to say that your first two chapters were so well constructed that they almost too my breath away. Very impressed and it's rare that I'm impressed so early on.
As the intro moved on though I was confused about exactly where she put the boys and why - I didn't really follow everything. "Social" I'm assuming is "Social Services" or "Social Workers" - or is that very American of me and there is something I am not getting.

Love the way chapter 1 ends. Chilling. I did find it hard to follow all of the cultural (English?) references even though I have traveled in the UK quite a bit and lived in Dublin for a year. So if some of it was tough even for me you might want to think about that - if you plan of having this published outside of the UK. "Bells" for example meant nothing to me. Gazza, Lineker, Bobby Robson...Geordie? But I am struggling with the same kind of thing in my writing too...what religious/Jewish references to use - which to translate - which to leave out - how not to alienate readers etc.

Chapter 2 -

Spelling mistake in the first section heading "Speparation"

Not sure about this cabinet - at first I thought it was just the boys hiding in it. Why is the mother in there too? how big is this cabinet?

Not quite sure about the timing in this second chapter. Did this happen before or after the Prologue?

Excellent stuff though. The writing is wonderful. But I still find the cabinet confusing. Are there different compartments that they can hide in?

Chapter 3

Love the image here "jagged as a dragon's teeth"

Chapter 4

This is a very poignant and sad story - told artfully from the perspective of a little boy with a unique voice. Extremely well written. I will read more when I can.

- Rena

LF 40 Review cont'd.

In the next three chapters the reader follows Tommy's young years in his new location, Newcastle, now minus his brother but still submitted to the physical and emotional abuse of his mother's boyfriend and his own sense of shame and guilt about his brother. The narrative continues in first person so the reader sees Tommy's world directly through his eyes and voice. The authentic narrative increases its power as Tommy falls more and more into the grip of his own self punishment and Darryl's. It is an all too common story on the poorer estates of Britain, Ireland and America and I suspect many other places in the world, but the power of Tommy's personal story is more compelling because of it. The underlying question present in this section of the narrative is who is culpable in this tale of a child's damaging journey. Who begets the Darryls and the Moiras of this world and who allows them to persecute innocent young children. Will Tommy become part of that never ending cycle of abuse or will something or someone redeem him. The story is so compelling it leads the reader on to find out the answer.

In chapters 4, 5, and 6 the child's narrative continues to come across with such perfect authenticity for the most part it can only be due to the skill and craft of the writer who has an ear not only for regional expressons but a child's manner of expressing them. The regional tone is not layered thickly so that the reader has to wade through dialogue and struggle to understand, there is just enough to contribute to the sense of setting. There were only a few places where I thought the child's viewpoint was stretched. That was in Chapter 5 where he says there were "smells of sick and blame" coming from (I think) his mother. I could see him thinking of the sick at age 6 but I think blame is stretching it for that age. Later on the card he reads the "Abuto Placacios" which is a big mouthful to read at age 6. You might consider just having him recite the letters in his head if the phrase is critical to the story later on. In chapter 5 you have him reciting the postcard and I believe he's about the same age then. This seems a lot for him to read, given his circumstances. You might consider having him say, "this is what I think it should say" or that his Nan read it to him and he memorized it. You might have meant that already, but it wasn't clear to me. The final bit was Nan's conversation in church that he remembered. The wording really clanked as too adult. Even though he's remembering it, since he was so small at the time I would think he would remember it a little less adult than it comes across. Just one minor nit you might not have caught: Chapter 4 you write towards the beginning: "The smile ache's on my face." I took it to mean The smile was an ache on my face. But all of these are only minor things to what is a very compelling novel and one of the few I will dip into until I read all that's posted. Kristin

LF 40 Reivew

Based on the first three chapters I read I found this a gripping read that conveys such tension and drama through a child's point of view, no easy feat. With great deftness the author is able to allow the story to unfold through the child's dialogue and internal world in such an oblique but nonetheless clear manner that not only gives the flavour of the U.K. northern setting of the book but also the dire situation the child endures.

As the chapter unfolds we come to learn how Tommy's situation has deteriorated since his Nan's death and the great sense of responsibility he feels for his younger brother, a responsibility that is too great for his very young years. With indirect references and language Tommy lets us know that he feels responsible but that the violence of Daryl and his ilk is all too much for him as his fear grips him. The language like "burny" on his leg and "cowboy picture on the wall" as well as the use of "cos" and other terms all support the understanding that the reader is seeing the world through young Tommy's eyes. Through these strategies the author skillfully lays the foundation for the huge burdern of guilt that will factor in Tommy's life.

A friend of mine wrote a book that was published from two children's point of view, set in Newcastle and one endured much abuse in the family home. It gained great praise for its chilling authenticity, especially the abused child and the real sense of that child's viewpoint. These three chapters remind me of that book and, in my view, succeeds just as well.

Just one little nit to call to your attention and that is in chapter 3 , second paragraph you repeat "the night" in the sentence.."the night, the first night.." This deserves top stars. I'll read on tomorrow and give further comment. Kristin

- The Benjamin Exhibition -

(Based on the prologue and chapters 1 to 5)

I’m usually not a great fan of books written from a child’s point of view for some reason but there is something immensely readable about this. The narration feels very natural and the vocabulary is very fitting for a child of the age of the narrator (perhaps the one exception being ‘juddered’ in chapter 2). On top of that there is an excellent use and pitch of dialogue that gives a very nice, readable rhythm to the prose. The first person present point of view is also managed well and helps to give the reader that child’s sense of seeing everything around them in that kind of half-understood way.

I liked the theme of loss, in terms of the main character’s relationship to his grandmother and his absentee father. The theme of guilt and cowardice is something I’m interested in my own writing so I was intrigued by this here. There is something heart wrenching about the way Tommy blames himself for Benjy being taken. I personally would have liked a little more exploration of the guilt/cowardice in what I read though, maybe more of Tommy thinking about his brother.

The abuse/assault of the kids by the mother’s boyfriend is another powerful element somehow made bearable in the reading by the child’s POV. The only issue I had there was that I didn’t quite get in the reading of chapter two why the hitting began. It only became clear to me towards the end. I also wondered whether a bit of tension before it began, more build-up, would have added to the effect.

In terms of other nits, I couldn’t quite get the physical layout and what was happening when Tommy and Benjy were hiding in the cupboard in chapter 2. The descriptions didn’t seem to give me a mental image. I also wondered about the use of the Dolly Parton lyrics. Would there be a copyright issue there? In chapter five, I didn’t quite catch/understand the devil theme. This could well be because I had the dead eyes from reading from the screen though and was just too tired to take anything in.

Overall, very well written and readable stuff. Deep and intelligent between deceptively simple prose too.

All the best with it,

Ross

I've read the first chapter and am thrilled with the quality of writing. The scenes are played out with attention to detail. While Dolly Parton's 'Jolene' is playing, something bad unfolds. Something that makes Tommy feel like a coward. All the best!

There is still editing to do, but this is well on the way to beings a competting book. I've read seven chapters and will read more when time allows. Backed and full set of stars for Tommy and Benjie. And Annie. Cheers! -Liz (Meggie Blackthorn)

Simon,
I read the prologue and chapter one. Excellent job showing young Tommy’s POV and the tragedy that befalls his little brother; built-in tension. While the subject matter is not easy reading, the writing is.
Five stars.
Jt

Simon,
Just got to the end of part two. I'm so glad you posted ch18, poor Tommy, I feel as though I've gone through all his trauma's with him. The football match, and for once Tommy is the man and you hold your breath hoping it will last but knowing that it won't. As part two progressed I was getting really worried for him, like he was one of my own. Everything building up, knowing he's a good lad at heart and wondering whether things will get to the point where he'll forget who he is. His distress and anger at Benjy's birthday card was so emotional...but then just when I think he's gone too far...Annie's back and I'm so happy for Tommy.
You know I'm totally sold on this, it's an emotional, gritty read about real life, which isn't always pretty, but there is such warmth in the relationship between Tommy and Annie and in Tommy's fierce loyalty toward Benjy.
Great writing Simon.

I do hope there's a happy ending...

Babs

Hi,

You are a very powerful writer. Love your voice - you really capture the personality and the thoughts of the narrator. I love your sort of elliptical style - you allude to events without hitting us over the head, letting them unfold gradually. This is true artistry. Very well done indeed. I'm giving you many stars and placing you on my watch list for now, as I've just juggled my shelf a bit.
I hope you'll find the time to check out Animal Cracker. Very different from yours, but you might enjoy it.
Best,
Andi Brown
animal Cracker

Engrossing story, Simon, and well-written. Told well as a child would tell it. I like the style -- reminds me of Alan Sillitoe, the way the novel 'Birdie' is told and Stephen King's 'Hearts from Atlantis.' I've read the first 4 Chapter. and am interested to get to where he meets Annie.

The title doesn't baffle me -- "Benjy' is pretty obviously short for 'Benjamin.' Sounds like they're half-brothers? Same mother, different father? A lot of childhoods go this way. More stories like this need to be told. I hope, for your sake, it's not autobiographical. It seems that real. Write on!

Best,
Steve

The Benjamin Exhibition. The title baffles me, and the cover tells me nothing at all. Bradley Wind on this site offers very good free covers. He's well worth trying.
Your pitch gives me rather an unattractive slant to the book. I like a hopeful, positive read, and am not sure there's going to be a satisfying ending. But here goes.

Prologue. Excellent writing, and drama, from Benjoy's VP.

Ch.1. I make notes as I write, but dont pretend to be an expert. We're in Tommy's head now. He must be the elder of the two? What on earth is a manky tash? More drama, and I have to read on.

Ch.2. Surely you mean the title to be Separation? And do you mean Daryl is in a rage? The boys spend alot of time in the cupboard... I wonder what happened at the hospital. You build the tension well.

Ch.3. And you leave the reader hanging while you go back in time. Clever.
I think you mean Tommy tries to breathe the smell of Benjy. I wonder what Tommy knows for sure -

Ch.4. More poignancy, and you write very well, but I still dont know what Tommy knows for sure.

I cannot fault your style, or the way you develope the plot, but I wonder where all this negativity and tragedy is going to end? I believe readers are looking for some sort of escapism or entertainment when they pick up a book, and so far all you've given me is depressing events seen through the eyes of a child. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? And if so, I'd consider bringing it out in some way before Ch.4., or you may lose many readers.

Perhaps a Prologue looking at Tommy in the future, having survived his childhood and matured into someone we can positively relate to and admire...

I hope this helps. Editing a book is tedious and necessary, as you must know. We all have to do it!

Multi-starred, because your writing is impeccable.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

Well, I read the first chapter, but I'm truly not sure if I can go on. Stories of abuse like this really bother me, maybe because I have kids of my own, and I'd kill the first person who tried to hurt them. But I think you've struck a chord here, and the voice you have in your first chapter is spot-on and painfully vivid. You do a good job of putting the reader into the horrible moment and invoking strong emotions. Well-done for that.
Jess

Dear Simon,
I read the first three chapters and you certainly have something special here.
By telling this harrowing tale through the eyes of a child makes it all the more powerful. The innocent language and vivid descriptions of each scene pulls on the heartstrings.
The harshness of the words and situation are made easier to bear by the innocence of the whole experience.
I am not someone who usually can tolerate reading this kind of thing. Being a mother and someone who found it difficult to have kids, I can't stand hearing these stories of abuse and neglect. For me by the end of chapter three my tolerance for the mother and Daryl is all but gone. I know there is probably some light at the end of the tunnel and some reprieve from the torrid life Tommy leads, but I find it hard to read on and endure his pain.
That being said, you sure can write and are very talented. I can see you having a publishing contract if not for this work than for another, I see you have one other book posted. Not sure how you're going with all that. I don't know if you have tried to get feedback elsewhere. Another good site is YWO, they tend to give good honest critiques and I could see this piece getting put in the top ten where you get a free professional review.
Not sure if any of that helps, but knowing you can evoke emotions in your readers is a good starting point, not everyone has the talent to do that, so well done.
6 Star rated and I will back this in the coming month,
Cheers Jacoba

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A captivating, ominous start. A sympathetic main character. Good deep point of view. Vivid descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Come on Benjy,' I say. Comma after 'on.'
2) Quickly, Benjy, quickly,' I say. Put an opening quote mark before 'quickly.'

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'Go on, Benjy.' I whisper like a shout. Comma after 'Benjy.'

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) 'Bet you didn't know that, did you.' Insert a question mark after 'you.'
2) 'You see. Tommy, your mam and dad are the sort of people that'll always be kids ... ' 'That'll' should be 'who'll.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
3) 'You're mam needs a man,' she said. You're (contraction for you are) should be your (possessive pronoun).
4) 'That makes me feel like everything'll be okay ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'feel.' Just describe the feeling so the reader can experience it along with Tommy. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'makes me feel' will be implied.

I hope this critique helps your further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a fabulous day.

Al

I'm completely taken with this, Simon, still reading and will be back with more indepth comments soon.

Congrats, mate ;)

Mick

The opening scene is great. It has a solid conflict and a nice flow to it. I remembered there being a regional barrier here, so if I say anything that doesn't apply, feel free to throw it out. I have no problems with the plot or characters, as both are believable and interesting to follow. Present tense is hard to nail really well, and at moments it seems like you slip into the pitfall of the passive/present action. It is a pretty quick fix with slight rewording. Of course, if it's a regional thing, just disregard it.

Structurally, I started repeating myself, mostly about subtle verb usage. So these comments are restricted to the opening, but are also contained within the remainder:

(Tommy’s arm is … He is in the house.)
Strong visuals for the opening.

(It’s day outside.)
Did the character suddenly realize it was day? Also it's not something limited to the outdoors. It seems like you're going for the dark indoors vs. light outdoors visual.

(a monster’s teeth.)
Peculiar wording. 'The teeth of a monster' may flow smoother.

(and they put her in a hole.)
I like the character, but I'm having trouble pinpointing the age. Feels young no doubt.

(blue stripey blanket instead)
Stripy? Maybe a regional difference.

(cos we knew He was right.)
He is capitalized in more than on place mid-sentence. It's hard to know if it's intentional for emphasis or not.

(I’m looking at the blanket now,)
'Now' doesn't serve a function. Adds a time perspective. The sentence works well without it.

(It’s beautiful, and what makes me smile is knowing that she was right. He was wrong.)
I like this. I think the flow would be even sharper here: 'I smile knowing that she was right. He was wrong.' Could be a function of regional aesthetic, so if it is, disregard my ignorant statements.

(A hand moves … dry bark, like a dog.)
Strong visuals.

(I close my eyes waiting for her to speak so I know if it will be a bad day.)
Great line. Says a lot about the relationship.

(She’s holding him against her chest)
There are some lines line this that step into the present tense/passive category. 'She holds him' words better as it's an active action. 'She is holding him' sounds like actions have already happened and they're being conveyed through a third party.


(Her face is broken, a sad clown with black smudges on her eyes. Tommy’s face is white, mouth open, sucking in air. I see his scream on its way.)
These are strong visuals. The word 'is' is starting to come up quite a bit. This could be an indication of telling the retrospective action. A great present tense is hard to nail, so I'm being a bit picky about it. 'Her face is broken' works better than 'Tommy's face is...' Seems like Tommy needs an active action. A retrospective understanding of the mother's expression works because of the disconnect and dependency.


(‘They’re coming for you,’ Mam says. ‘the social.’
And then they’re gone.)
At first this reads strange, as it seems like 'the social' already came and left, and then the character is left looking at a pile of ash on Tommy's pillow. May need clarification that this is not the case.

(I’m standing in the doorway ... head, and pushing him inside.)
Good scene here. A solid conflict.

(We’re both screaming now)
'We are both screaming now' is passive. 'We scream...'

(and I’m banging)
and I bang on

(She’s cuddling him)
She cuddles

(She’s smiling over)
She smiles

Stampman’s Orphans Review

A beautiful description of twins (at least I assume they are twins) and a dramatic and emotional ending to the prologue. Later on I discovered they are brothers, but they felt closer than that given the opening image of two little boys like two babies in the womb.

I liked the device of the rainbow blanket, but was confused by it at the same time: if it’s a rainbow, how come it’s blue and white striped, or did I read that wrong?

I began to read the second half of Authonomy Chapter 1 (Part 1) and wasn’t sure why it was there, then there was another dramatic climax and it all started to come clear: clever.

Authonomy Chapter 2 – the spelling of rage (radge) is, I assume, a typo. I found the scene with the two boys stuffed together in the dark gripping, but a trifle confusing. The child’s viewpoint was good and convincing, though I wasn’t totally sure what sort of hole they were hiding in or what was happening at certain points in the narrative.

Authonomy Chapter 3 – “killing more of our house, pulling out the stuff that makes it alive” is a striking and well written image. Again, convincingly and poignantly written from the child’s view point. At times I found it a little confusing, which is presumably how a child would find it, but I wonder if there is a way to keep the childish confusion without confusing the adult reader?

All in all a strongly written piece, which evokes the emotions and terror of the child protagonists (yes, I know they get older in the book, I skipped to the later chapters, but it is the earlier chapters I’m commenting on here.)

Good luck with this.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

HI, Your pitch is excellent, thought provoking, and involving. Great plot.....Soon, I will finish your book and comment. With best wishes. Dr Ajay Kansal

I'm not an expert at this, but I know what I like to read, so keep that in mind. I found the paragraph starting with 'I'm looking at the blanket" to be confusing. You describe the wool as being a blue color with gold and fiery orange, red like his face. By the time I read 'red like his face', I had to go back and read the paragraph again. I thought I might have missed what part of the blanket reminded you of his face.. and then you write, 'and green as the grass...' again, I didn't know what was green. His face? part of the blanket?..... In the next paragraph, a hand moves between..... who's hand, I thought it was maybe His hand, which breaks the flow of the story while I as a reader is sorting it in my head...

You have such a nice way of describing settings (I loved the "shouting......like a dog") I could picture that and feel that. You do an excellent job of painting a picture of emotions, settinigs, but too much can throw the reader, at least it threw me.

I hope that helps you and I am sorry I wasn't more specific in my first review.

Susan

The scene in the prolog grabbed me and I read it through while feeling the grip of emotion. I think the story and how you write is very good, but there were a couple of places that I felt were a little confusing and I had to go back and read them again. I think the prolog is appropriate and I would leave it in, but just make sure its pared down to the bones of the story so the reader gets it, and can hardly wait to get to Chapter 1. Good luck to you.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

The beginnins is captivating and totally focussed on the moment. Sometimes confused, but likeably so because it's the thoughts of a terrified boy, who tries to savour the happy moments of the time whenhe and his brother are with their mam. The child's voice gives gripping snatches of his life. This story is told in such a fresh way that I think it's headed for fame.

Until I get to the end of Chapter 1, I don't know the time gap between that and the prologue. I'm not sure a prologue is necessary. It's in cronological order as far as I can see, and a prologue is not liked by many agents.

Writing I love and admire among the many:
Love the image of close body contact.
'He sucks so hard it looks like it hurts'.
'Things go quiet for ages, longer than I can hold my breath ...' (haha)

Nits:
I don't understand '...the first go.' Go where, why?
After' ...they put her in a hole', you should start a new paragraph. I got completely mixed up and thought He was the Devil and pulled them down into the hole.
'... most of all'. (New sentence.) 'Cos ...
'A hand moves between us, mine or Tommy's. (confusing. he'd know if it was his own hand. I don't know what's happening.)


Francene. Still Rock Water.