The King's Blessing

PLEASE NOTE:

A 'sampi' is equivalent to our week except in one important matter, it lasts for 9 days not 7 (the calender is based on '3', so it's 9 days=sampi; 10 x 9/sampi = decadem; cycle/year = 3 x 10/decadems).

hi Pam,
the tension and uncertainty of the first chapter are well portrayed. The lack of control by which the MC's life is characterised, is demonstrated by the dream which foreshadows an inevitable fate and threatens with visions of tragedy and horror. Your writing supports the dark emotions and drives the storyline forward, while your voice is strong and at one point reminds us that those times have already passed.

Hi Pam.
I like the tension and the pace in your writing and prefer the first person in the beginning to the later version. The writing flows with a dreamlike quality which suits your subject-matter. Backed.
Ame

Beautiful descriptions and a good opener.
You have a great pacing to start things off and draw the reader in.
Your images really come to life.
The idea of your story is so creative and interesting.
Super work with this. I DO really like it. High rating from me.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

The King's Blessing
Pam Balsdon

I liked you short and long pitch, it drew me to the book. I then found the prologue was about Josanus . I was expecting a story about Faleese but she wasn't mentioned until the next chapter.

I thought the prologue was well written but quite complicated. I can’t decide if I like it or not. It wasn’t easy to follow with some of your strange terminology: “He had to take a Sopha”; “when a Bhopa dies his Sopha soon follows”! “to be Shazan was worse than death”. Maybe these are explained later on?

Don’t be afraid of commas and short sentences. It does make it easier to read. For example, look at the following sentence:

Jos had to escape that was clear and soon before they left the foothills and returned to the Empire, the problem was how?

Try reading it out aloud, you probably know where you want a short pause but a reader doesn’t. How about something like:

Jos had to escape. That was clear. And he had to escape soon, before they left the foothills and returned to the Empire. The problem was how?

Just a thought, but you know what you want to say.

Hopefully these comments will help and you’ll produce a great book. I’ve given you some high stars and will be watching your progress.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

Hi Charles

Thanks for the comment, I will take note of what you said and act on it in the next rewrite whenever that may be.

You're right about the prologue being about a different character. In fact Jos doesn't come into the story again until much later, but he does play a major part. I wanted the prologue to draw people in with immediate action, mystery and leave the reader with questions that aren't answered until much later; hence the limited information.

When Faleese arrives, her story is at a much slower pace as it is more about how she reacts to circumstances and what she goes through. She has a tough life, but whoever said life was fair? It certainly isn't fair to Faleese but we all have to learn to cope with what is given us.

I hope you get a chance to read more, especially about Nikkolye, I'd like to know what you think about his character.

Best Wishes
Pam

The King's Blessing
Pam Balsdon

I liked you short and long pitch, it drew me to the book. I then found the prologue was about Josanus . I was expecting a story about Faleese but she wasn't mentioned until the next chapter.

I thought the prologue was well written but quite complicated. I can’t decide if I like it or not. It wasn’t easy to follow with some of your strange terminology: “He had to take a Sopha”; “when a Bhopa dies his Sopha soon follows”! “to be Shazan was worse than death”. Maybe these are explained later on?

Don’t be afraid of commas and short sentences. It does make it easier to read. For example, look at the following sentence:

Jos had to escape that was clear and soon before they left the foothills and returned to the Empire, the problem was how?

Try reading it out aloud, you probably know where you want a short pause but a reader doesn’t. How about something like:

Jos had to escape. That was clear. And he had to escape soon, before they left the foothills and returned to the Empire. The problem was how?

Just a thought, but you know what you want to say.

Hopefully these comments will help and you’ll produce a great book. I’ve given you some high stars and will be watching your progress.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

What a bunch of exotic names, and I like crossbows too. There is an obvious underlying scenerio going on, and the suspense of what else could be added in a dream world leaves the door wide open. And I hardly ever see anyone use the word "nimbus" in a story either. Nice job, Peter B.
"The Bible I Thought I Knew"

I like this, and already see the seeds of a series here. Someone else addressed the punctuation problems. Those are fixable. A writer needs style and a good bag of imagination, which you have. I' like you to explain more of your character' role as introduced. I was confused. What are sophas and bophas and their duties? Explain about the parents, and the workings of the kingdom. It is backfill, but desperately needed in an imaginary kingdom. How old is main character? You refer to him twice as 7 but then mention he is a man. Why are boys sent to the temple, and what happens to the girls? These details would make your kingdom come alive! I like what I've read so far! Let me know when you fill in the gaps, i'd love to read it again !

Donna
Jessup and teleporter

I like this, and already see the seeds of a series here. Someone else addressed the punctuation problems. Those are fixable. A writer needs style and a good bag of imagination, which you have. I' like you to explain more of your character' role as introduced. I was confused. What are sophas and bophas and their duties? Explain about the parents, and the workings of the kingdom. It is backfill, but desperately needed in an imaginary kingdom. How old is main character? You refer to him twice as 7 but then mention he is a man. Why are boys sent to the temple, and what happens to the girls? These details would make your kingdom come alive! I like what I've read so far! Let me know when you fill in the gaps, i'd love to read it again !

Donna
Jessup and teleporter

I like this, and already see the seeds of a series here. Someone else addressed the punctuation problems. Those are fixable. A writer needs style and a good bag of imagination, which you have. I' like you to explain more of your character' role as introduced. I was confused. What are sophas and bophas and their duties? Explain about the parents, and the workings of the kingdom. It is backfill, but desperately needed in an imaginary kingdom. How old is main character? You refer to him twice as 7 but then mention he is a man. Why are boys sent to the temple, and what happens to the girls? These details would make your kingdom come alive! I like what I've read so far! Let me know when you fill in the gaps, i'd love to read it again !

Donna
Jessup and teleporter

I like this, and already see the seeds of a series here. Someone else addressed the punctuation problems. Those are fixable. A writer needs style and a good bag of imagination, which you have. I' like you to explain more of your character' role as introduced. I was confused. What are sophas and bophas and their duties? Explain about the parents, and the workings of the kingdom. It is backfill, but desperately needed in an imaginary kingdom. How old is main character? You refer to him twice as 7 but then mention he is a man. Why are boys sent to the temple, and what happens to the girls? These details would make your kingdom come alive! I like what I've read so far! Let me know when you fill in the gaps, i'd love to read it again !

Donna
Jessup and teleporter

I like this, and already see the seeds of a series here. Someone else addressed the punctuation problems. Those are fixable. A writer needs style and a good bag of imagination, which you have. I' like you to explain more of your character' role as introduced. I was confused. What are sophas and bophas and their duties? Explain about the parents, and the workings of the kingdom. It is backfill, but desperately needed in an imaginary kingdom. How old is main character? You refer to him twice as 7 but then mention he is a man. Why are boys sent to the temple, and what happens to the girls? These details would make your kingdom come alive! I like what I've read so far! Let me know when you fill in the gaps, i'd love to read it again !

Donna
Jessup and teleporter

Hi Pam,

I like the story but there are some important aspects to the writing that need to be addressed. Mostly, it is a lack of commas and full stops. Many of your sentences run on too long, without the breaks they really need. In the opening chapter, the tension would be greatly heightened by breaking up the sentences into smaller pieces or even by just putting a few commas where needed.
I can literally see the stream of consciousness as it poured out of your head and onto the page, but it needs to be tempered by a little grammatical attention. Even reading the sentences aloud, you'll see easily where you need to slow things, pause them, or stop them completely.
Remember, brevity increase tension. Short and sharp keeps readers on their toes.
Having said that, as much as I love fantasy, its hard to make me keep reading after one or two paragraphs if its not perfectly written. You managed to make me keep going because there are great ideas here and generally good writing.
All the best
xxxSeven Everson

I began your book, and would love to read it later after editing. I strongly suggest that is necessary, since as a language arts teacher, I notice things like punctuation and such, and errors interfere with my enjoyment. I'll visit it later, since the idea intrigues me, and there is always room for fantasy and young adult stuff that includes Christian values. I encourage you to polish it up. Take a look at my nonfiction: Job Loss: What's Next? A Step by Step Action Plan and my blogs on www.bettyjackson.net

I find Faleese to be very relatable in the way she longs for independence, but also still clearly cares for her father and doesn't want to hurt him. The opening scene really does a fine job of creating a sense of dread for what is to come; on the one hand it makes me want to continue, but on the other I'm almost afraid to.

The way you evoke emotions from your reader is great, 'cause no one likes to read a story and not feel any connection to it. Faleese's confusion and uncertainty make her easy to sympathize with; I can't imagine how I would feel in her place.

It's so rare to read a YA story that depicts the MC's parents the way this does. They seem to be loving, and genuinely kind parents, who still have so much love for each other. I can't tell you how refreshing this is. The way you have written them to be so likeable and human makes Faleese's nightmare all the more awful.

Krista
If Brothers Were Pumpkins

Hi Pam
Just read your first chapter. This is a book that i will keep on reading. Lots of interesting stuff going on and I'm interested in seeing where you go with it.

Travis Lankford

Hi Pam
Just read your first chapter. This is a book that i will keep on reading. Lots of interesting stuff going on and I'm interested in seeing where you go with it.

Travis Lankford

This is a multidimensional tale of fantasy and betrayal, well-constructed with bright characterizations and a pacy flow. The author has explored a number of co-related themes to bring richness and depth to the story. It remains incomplete, but if the same degree of invention to put into an ending, this will end up a very good novel. Highly starred.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

Just finished the first chapter. It seems very fast-paced so far, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it appears that you are creating a different world, including some type of new social order (maybe I'm wrong, considering I haven't read a lot of the book yet). To me, that type of development takes a while. Introducing the characters so quickly along with the setting and the unknown problems just seemed like a lot to take in. I will definitely finish the rest to get a better feel of where you are going though. Someone mentioned previously that there is a lot of "wordiness," which I kind of felt in the first sentence... I'm a fan of commas to break up the flow of what I'm reading. Some sentences are a bit long, but it almost went well with the internal dialogue going on in each characters' heads. It's all about style in the end, though.

Ta Tod

Really appreciate the constructive criticism & will take it all on board in the next revision. It's always good to find out where your going wrong & I do intend to act on it!

Pam

Hi,
I took a new look at your opening. It's coming along nicely! You do a good job establishing your characters and setting the scene.
I think there are still some things to work on, mostly in terms of smoothing out and streamlining your story. It's a good tale, but there's still some wordiness you could trim down. Of course, ignore anything I say that you don't like, but here's what I would do if this was my work:
One thing to look for is a tendency to TELL either instead of showing or in addition to showing. SHOWING is much better, while TELLING makes it more like a news report and less like a novel. Examples: in the opening paragraph you don't have to say "...coming his way until too late" you can just have them collide. Another place to trim is your attributions (he said, she said). There are many times these are unneeded, such as when we can tell from the context who is talking. For example instead of "he shouted angrily whilst brushing" you can just say "he brushed down his dark robe angrily" and we will know he's the one who spoke.
I'm also seeing some run on sentences. If you have multiple phrases separated by commas, you often can make some of them periods and the sentences will be stronger for it. I.e.:
At last he turned down Apsum Way (cut comma, insert period) Checking behind to make sure he was no longer under watch, he straightened up to his full six foot five--he was easily the tallest man in Selcoom--and quickened his pace. (I did some rearranging there too. He would straighten up first most likely, and then quicken his pace, rather than the other way around. It's a minor thing to fix, but makes the writing much clearer if you put things precisely in order. Otherwise the reader was to mentally go back and rearrange the picture.)
The forge loomed out of the darkness (cut comma, insert period)
This sentence has some excess TELLING about his wife being affectionate, and unneeded attribution. Just show it, and we'll understand. here's my "scorched earth" version. The bits in parentheses I would cut:
A woman sat in the rocker next to it darning some wool socks (she was an even warmer welcome home.) "How was it [insert: ,my love]?" (cut: she asked as she looked up at her husband, radiating a smile full of affection)
He sighed (cut comma, insert period) She never missed anything
(cut: She watched him shake, insert: he shook)
(cut: Kell watched her husband fill, insert: He filled)
But definitely a good story in here, it just needs polishing.
Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/48620/ladle-beginagin/

Hi Pam, I took a look at chapter 2 (3 on here), thanks fro reviewing my book, I appreciate your comments. This is a mysterious tale, I love that I am questioning dreams after reading it. You have created some characters who are easy to warm to, the story flows smooth and is easy to follow. I can see the confusion with the word sampi, don;t worry, its hard to get an idea over sometimes, but when people understand within a common frame of reference it is ok, I would suggest indicating somewhere in the story that its so many nights or something.
Good Luck with this book.
Kindest Regards
Lenny

Pam,
Revisiting your work, I was once more immersed in the plight of Faleese consigned to the itinerant ways of her parents, ever on the move to evade a horrible tragedy in their destiny. Handed over to an Accepted Lady supposed to provide her a way out of her repressed existence, Faleese is on her own, without her parents' protection. She reaches deep inwards for a power lying dormant and wields it against the overlords causing the commoners constant misery. Your work has been buffed to a fine sheen and is a delight to read. Thank you so much for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Pam: Thank you for your message. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and will certainly do everything I can to promote your book. This is a very good book and worthy of publication. I've re-read parts of it and am a bit in awe of how much talent you have. Your voice is strong and your characters and imagery are outstanding. You have my prayers and very best wishes, dearheart, and thank you for letting me read your latest work.
Patricia

PLEASE NOTE:

A 'sampi' is equivalent to our week except in one important matter, it lasts for 9 days not 7 (the calender is based on '3', so it's 9 days=sampi; 10 x 9/sampi = decadem; cycle/year = 3 x 10/decadems).

Pam, what is a sampi, i looked it up and it says a Greek letter M. It sounds like a season in you writing, from over the pond :) I love you writing and your descriptions of rooms, activities, and areas you incorporate, even light! I love that for mood setting... your plot is still building on page 3 and Faleese has met Hans. Farm life is hard work and all relationships seem to take second place to the work that needs done here. Characters have some special spiritual gifts that are also building the plot. Nice work. Blessings with your work! Writing for a living is no easy hoe. Roslyn
"I Am" Through the Ages

I love this... what a well-written, and gripping introduction. "All I ask is that you do not judge me too soon. I was a foolish child, a selfish youth, and a proud young woman; but as a mother I began to learn the lessons of life and grew into the person I was always supposed to be." YES! That is ME, too! Very easy to identify with and your natural writing style simply flows beautifully. Thank you for this wonderful work! High stars!

The King’s Blessing

This is a return review.

I enjoyed this - there’s suspense and mystery in the prologue and Freida’s voice and fear is well portrayed. You don’t, in the first couple of chapters at least, have an enormous cast of supporting characters, which helps us feel for those you do have. Frieda’s father is nicely drawn, and their relationship is lovely. I’ve added some more detailed thoughts below, including some close crit and my answer to your question about first vs. third person. I hope some of it’s useful to you - it’s a bit long.

Prologue

There’s a softness to the very beginning of this; you create the home and hearth so well and then destroy it so completely. Who is this stranger? And is it really a dream? The voice at the end of this chapter is good, I like being addressed directly. It’s proper invitation to read on. I definitely want to find out about the errors and mistakes that have been made - a great hook.

“tangible” is something that can be touched. Fear is always abstract, so it doesn’t work here for me.
“The serene face was as beautiful as my expectation” is lovely.

Chapter One

The Pa’s character really starts to come through in this chapter. The idea of him posing puzzles of logical to catch your MC out is nice, as is the idea that he has dreams that contain predictions. This chapter ends so dramatically - the scene seems to be set for the dream to come true!

“I could feel my body begin to shake uncontrollably”. I’d cut “uncontrollably” because beginning to feel something seems to imply a lack of control already.
Don’t use “&” unless you’ve got a good reason. In this type of writing, I can’t think of one.
“dais’ events” should be “day’s events” shouldn’t it? You’ve used the spelling “dai” quite a lot which confuses me. It’s not a very common typo so perhaps it’s deliberate.
“split into two separate tracks.” I don’t think you need “separate.”
The biting lip detail is very good. Excellent way of showing emotions without telling us. I also like the “slippery fish” simile.
“pushing its’ way” shouldn’t have the apostrophe.
“The normality’s” should be “The normalities..”

I read auto chapters 9 and 10, to have a look at the two ways you’ve written the story. For me, the first person is more immediate and easier to connect to. I prefer it. The problem you might have with later chapters, is if you want to switch the POV and tell a part of the story that Frieda is absent from. For example, you do this in chapter 7 with Brother Term. I would, I think, suggest writing it all in first person or none of it. So, Brother Term (or another character) would become “I” in this chapter. You would have to have some method for making it clear that the story is now not from Frieda, but that’s possible.

Good luck with this, I’ll be interested to see what you decide!

Lucy

This is heavy stuff, the dream. I mean the nightmare. Seeing my parents death would kill me. And according to Pa, dreams come true. Well, the author's was a nightmare so maybe same rule doesn't apply. Anyway, this is an explosive story, at least the first part. It slow down a bit in the middle but the author introduced punches to keep her readers interest i.e The road down the hill split in two. They took the right". This remind me of the film, Wrong Turn. I thought same thing was going to happen. Or did same things happened? I must read on. I love the intriguing and suspense aspects. I kept guessing what next and when.
A small criticism. The use of (.....) in the first part of chapter one seem out of place. The sentences are complete so why pretend there are omissions.

Pam, I prefer the first person. I feel it gives a much stronger 'voice' to your story and heightens Freida's emotions. The third person does works, so I guess it's more personal taste as to whether you prefer to hear the story from Freida or give a fuller account of the story in the third person. Go with your gut instinct.
This is both engaging and mysterious and I love the way you describe the countryside.
There are a number of grammatical issues -
Chap 1 -' fire place' should be fireplace
' deepness' should be depth
You also write 'dai' instead of day. You should write the word and rather than '&'.

Chapter 2 - '...and began scrapping the paint from the ...' should be scraping.
'normality's' shoudl be normalities

There are comma issues also but not so they stopped the flow of the story.

Overall, I really like the idea for this. You have believable characters and your description is wonderful. The whole image you portray of the travellers' way of life is quite charming and has a real sense of place and time.

Starring highly and wishing you all the best with this.

Debbie
Speedy McCready

Beautiful descriptions and a good opener.
You have a great pacing to start things off and draw the reader in.
Your images really come to life.
The idea of your story is so creative and interesting.
Super work with this. I DO really like it. High rating from me.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

I'm new to the site and trying to figure my way around, I read the first 3 chapters here and love it. I'll come back and add a proper crit soon.
Backed and highly starred.

I know I have a bias in favor of first person, but only when you use it to deepen a sense of the main character, by showing what or how they think or feel. On the other hand, it's really frustrating to let go of some scenes as a result, due to the absence of the main character. I think you do well from both perspectives, so it's more a matter of those trade-offs. If there are too many vital scenes that you would lose, go with third person. If, on the other hand, you find your main character's voice far stronger in first, go with first. You've created an intriguing world with great imagery and description.
Critique-wise, I do think you could tighten up the writing, especially grammatical problems or punctuation errors, especially commas that show up in places they shouldn't. Often it seems like you could delete them, or convert them to periods. Some sentences were a bit garbled, and I've noted my thoughts on cleaning them up below. Please, of course, just ignore any of my comments if they displease you!
I would change: "scrambling out of bed, barely noticing the dusty floor, the window became reachable destination". Right now, the window is the subject, scrambling is the verb, it's a little confusing. I'd say something like: "I scrambled out of bed, barely noticing the dusty floor. The window became a reachable destination."
"nothing but cobwebs inside (cut: comma)(insert: period)
"I noticed (cut comma) my slip"
Another one that gave me a hard time: "Tugging them on quickly a realization dawned on me, "How did I get into bed?" (That doesn't sound like a realization. She could have a realization "I had no idea how I got in bed."
Maybe, "As I tugged them on it dawned on me that I had no idea how I got to bad the night before."

In a later chapter, maybe 8, "By letting his words hang in the air Term was made to shuffle uncomfortably" is grammatically awkward because Term is the subject, but he's not the one letting his words hang. I think you're trying to say something like "By letting his words hang in the air, the Lord of Darkness made Term shuffle uncomfortably."
Okay, that's enough picking on minutae.
If you can clean up those pesky types of problems you've got a great story here that's fun to read. Best of luck with it!
And If you like children's literature, I'm hoping you'll enjoy taking a look at my novel, The Lost Wink.
Cheers,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Dear Pam: I like the first person narrative the best. This is an absolutely charming story and you are an excellent writer - as good as any professional writer I've ever read. I read every chapter that you have posted because your book thoroughly intrigued me! I'm very fond of good imagery and your imagery is wonderful, wonderful! I became completely lost, absorbed in your word pictures of Frieda's gypsy life with her dear parents, of the trip to Rowenfield, and of the cottage into which they moved. The trip to the palace with Lady Salene was sad both because Freida had to leave Hans (or so I thought until he came back into the picture as a guardsman in ch.6) and because Lady Salene turned into such a witch!

Your descriptions, imagery, are so good in the first four chapters that I really didn't want to leave Freida's life with her Pa and Mother and struggled a bit to keep going with the story as Freida left for the castle. Without knowing the ending of your book, I'm not quite sure where her being Accepted and telling her dreams to the King will lead. But because you built Freida into such a strong, captivating character, I wanted to keep reading to find out what happened with her.

The only suggestion I have is that you continue your beautiful imagery throughout all of your book. It's the imagery and the characters that hold this reader's interest - even more than the plot (although, of course, a plot is necessary). Your descriptions allow a reader (at least this reader) to enter a pastoral, serene world with loving parents which is simply mesmerizing - better than a movie! I want to read the rest of your book and will buy it once it's published. Let me know. a new fan, :-) Pat p.s. a bunch of stars and staying on my wl waiting for an empty spot on my shelf!

Hi there Pam,

I have no memory of how I came across your book but I did somehow so here I am!

To start off you have a great premise. I liked the dream idea and the rural/feudal setting. As others have mentioned you have a talent for observation and description and there's some really nice language here. The end of the third chapter brings a very nice moment of drama and you handled it very subtly.

My main criticism of the plot is that the central character acts a little bit helpless in the three chapters I've read. I know she's supposed to be scared by her new abilities but it seems to me there's no barrier to her using them. It seems she should be comfortable with them anyway considering that her dad has the same abilities. Why doesn't she simply tell her parents about her dream so that she can save their lives? For me this would be the most pressing factor.

In terms of style I'd say you're already doing very well but you need to tighten up your punctuation and try to break some of your long, running sentences down into shorter ones in order to improve general readability.

Here are my close comments

FIREPLACE
- one word

rough table and dresser where Ma sat SEWING

home; as I watched, thin wisps of smoke
- second comma

disturbance AT the EDGE of my awareness.

NEVERTHELESS
-one word

a heavy black robe, HOLDING a burning brand
-also I wasn't sure what a brand was in this context

Other dreams, other memories, shift like flowing sand as the wind of experience, CHANGE AND force their own will upon them.
- not entirely sure about this sentence

Chapter 1
anything; I even tried to recite A few prayers,

I threw myself into my old life as if it was a slippery fish that would escape my grasp at any moment.
- mixed metaphor, revise

symbols, a skill he said THAT might come in useful one dai,
- also using dai instead of day. This feels like a token effort. Either you introduce a lot more linguistic variations or you forget them altogether. If not, it's just English with one word spelt wrong (a second word is used later I know but this still isn't very comprehensive)

up in making me contradict myself and GETTING tongue tied.

Pa seemed to know exactly where we were going.   “Where are we going?”
-repetition here sounds silly

“We’re going home.” When it did come,
-full stop (period) after home. - rules for laying out speech here... http://www.youngwritersonline.net/showthread.php?t=20

to ward off ANY MORE questions

my side and began SCRAPING the paint from the boards with my nails.

The NORMALITY of our traveling life carried on regardless,

I don't know when your story is set but I felt talking about gravity was a rather modern concept and it didn't fit

bundled into the house AMIDST a mass
- delete of

Discovering that Pa was the youngest of nine siblings, of which only six survived, the others dying in infancy, was alarming; all the remaining ones were married with large families of their own and they were all in the maternal home to welcome us.
-long sentence. You often use semi colons and commas when it would be better to start a new sentence. Give the readers a chance to breathe.

Looking around(,) the family resemblance was easy to see(.) Several of the men had the same square shaped head that I teased Pa about(.) With it went dark curly hair, WHICH WAS now Thin on many heads(,) deep set brown eyes sat above a prominent nose, with a firm(,) square chin and MOUTH.
-I've re-punctuated this (changes in brackets.) It was previously one long, confusing sentence.

CH 2

the window became A reachable destination.

It was much easier to believe such an obvious lie (delete comma) in the bright sunshine.

The main room of the cottage was much as I remembered
- add I

soon revealed TO BE my parent’s room,

“I’m not hungry,” I MUMBLED despondently.

I often manage it on Elder's Dai,
-apostrophe

lot of trouble that dai, and was grounded for the rest of the sampi
- grounded is too modern / American

When I could (delete comma) escape after our return to the cottage and go to the copse I did;

Each other's
- apostrophe

The sense of relief this brought was tangible; despite the cold, the silence it brought was soothing,
- two broughts

intention of seeking out its meaning.
-delete apostrophe

shelter in one of THE less reputable Inns

the Tinkers were suspected but no motive could be found.
- isn't wanting food a motive? - perhaps you mean no evidence could be found?

board and lodgings at the inn at the Landlord's expense,
Small i for inn and apostrophe for landlord's


Remembering that DREAMS were not supposeD to come true,

Ma’s raised voice, competING

An uncomfortable awareness disturbed me again, this time I knew what it was, and reaching for the chamber pot from under my bed and went through the ritual before climbing back into bed.
-confusing revise

Pushing it open feeling the cold of the bars as it responded smoothly to my touch; stepping through, a large stone room full of light greeted me; long tables, chairs, tapestries, music, food and richness, met my eager gaze.
-also confusing

I hope all that helps.

My biggest tip for you would be to join YARG - http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/92583/young-adult-reading-group-yarg-ii/ in order to get more comments, feedback and support.

Good start, best of luck,

Benedict

I read this two weeks ago and have only just now been able to find the time to post my comments about your intriguing mss.

I love your attention to detail and descriptive phrases. They light up my mind and made me want to read more.
The plot is fascinating and driven. I could never predict with authority how each scene would play out. And in my "readers mind," that works for me! :)
I only wish I didn't feel so far removed from your MC. I have this feeling that she is a powerful character with amazing potential but i never truly connected in either the first or third person. I can't put my finger on the pulse of it ; but I do plan to come back and re-read it when I get the chance.

Blessings and best wishes,
Laura A. Diaz
They Call Me Blanca

Hi Pam.
I like the tension and the pace in your writing and prefer the first person in the beginning to the later version. The writing flows with a dreamlike quality which suits your subject-matter. Backed.
Ame

Hi there,

I have read chapter 8, and I will say that it is much stronger than the prologue. The writing is much tighter, the descriptions are better crafted, and the tone is well set for intrigue. I like this a lot. I've included some notes on some things you might want to consider. These are only my opinions, so feel free to ignore what you don't agree with.

- In order to attract more readers, I would suggest revising your pitches. As they are, they don't reveal much about the story you are telling. Adding some information about the main theme(s) or story arc, or about the kinds of conflict the characters will face might interest more readers.
- I am not sure if it's because I skipped chapters and jumped in at chapter 8, but I had no idea who the men were. They are both referred to as 'he' until Tad mentions a Brother's name later on. I found this confusing, especially during the dialogue since the tags didn't identify who the speakers were.
- 'Looming' and 'loomed' are both used in close proximity to one another. You might try changing that up a bit. It's a small thing but thought I'd mention it anyway.
- The last thing is that in the second half of the chapter, there is a shift in point of view, as it begins with Tad's and ends with his wife's.

Nice job here. I'm glad I read on. :)

Dyane

PLEASE NOTE!

CHAPTERS 1-7 ARE IN FIRST PERSON, CHAPTERS 8-11 ARE THE SAME STORY IN THIRD PERSON, PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHICH ONE IS BEST!

THANKS ALL

PAM

Hi,

I have read the prologue. Rather than wait to compile all my comments into one giant review, I’ll post them as I go. Please remember that these comments and suggestions are only my opinion, so feel free to take or ignore them as you see fit. :)

Over all, the writing is poetic and it flows well. I think I am glad you chose to change to the third person POV, as it felt strange to be so directly addressed by the narrator.

As a whole, I am not yet sure of the relationship between the dream and the MC’s monologue at the end. The dream relates a horrific event but no where does it allude to the MC doing anything that is ‘foolish child’ or ‘selfish’, which is the essense of her discourse. I wonder if you should consider revising the dream so that somewhere there is a hint reflecting what the MC is talking about. Right now, they seem like two separate entities.

In the dream sequence itself, after time 'stops' when the MC looks into the woman’s eyes, the scene changes dramatically without notice (from Ma sewing and Pa with his pipe to the fire). I think it would help the flow and consistency of the read if you indicated that the scene changed once the MC looked into the woman’s eyes.

Some corrections to consider : ‘…; these both leapt out of the vision in her eyes.’ I think this sentence may need to be revised, as I wasn’t sure what it was referring to.

‘…burned into me, HE…’ I think here, you should put a period rather than a comma.

‘My initial confusion…’ I would suggest just starting, ‘Confusion…’ It’s more direct and less wordy.

‘…wind of experience, need and change…’ This seems too wordy. I would suggest choosing the one of the three that best resumes what you want to say.

Nice start to your book! I'm looking forward to reading more. If you would like more info on anything I wrote, just let me know.

Best,
Dyane

Hi,

I have read the prologue. Rather than wait to compile all my comments into one giant review, I’ll post them as I go. Please remember that these comments and suggestions are only my opinion, so feel free to take or ignore them as you see fit. :)

Over all, the writing is poetic and it flows well. I think I am glad you chose to change to the third person POV, as it felt strange to be so directly addressed by the narrator.

As a whole, I am not yet sure of the relationship between the dream and the MC’s monologue at the end. The dream relates a horrific event but no where does it allude to the MC doing anything that is ‘foolish child’ or ‘selfish’, which is the essense of her discourse. I wonder if you should consider revising the dream so that somewhere there is a hint reflecting what the MC is talking about. Right now, they seem like two separate entities.

In the dream sequence itself, after time 'stops' when the MC looks into the woman’s eyes, the scene changes dramatically without notice (from Ma sewing and Pa with his pipe to the fire). I think it would help the flow and consistency of the read if you indicated that the scene changed once the MC looked into the woman’s eyes.

Some corrections to consider : ‘…; these both leapt out of the vision in her eyes.’ I think this sentence may need to be revised, as I wasn’t sure what it was referring to.

‘…burned into me, HE…’ I think here, you should put a period rather than a comma.

‘My initial confusion…’ I would suggest just starting, ‘Confusion…’ It’s more direct and less wordy.

‘…wind of experience, need and change…’ This seems too wordy. I would suggest choosing the one of the three that best resumes what you want to say.

Nice start to your book! I'm looking forward to reading more. If you would like more info on anything I wrote, just let me know.

Best,
Dyane

THE KING’S BLESSING

I promised you I would return the read and here I am. Now, as I tell everyone take what rings true and pitch the rest. I’ll give you my honest opinion over your first two chapters since your first chapter on Autho is a prologue.

CH 1/Dream scene

I like that this started with a dream. I found this engaging and you are good with descriptions. However, it is blatantly obvious that we have different writing styles. There are times when I think you need a period but you use semi colons. Also, I’m not a fan of capitalizing dialogue. I think it look unpolished and a bit unprofessional in general. I’d consider removing this if I were you.

CH 2

I’m seeing issues with some punctuation within the dialogue. I’d take a look at this when you go through and do edits. For example,: “I don’t want you to tell me what happened unless you want to,” He paused and pulled away from me again,.... “In this instance, you need a period and not a comma within the dialogue.

I’m going to second what a few of your other reviewers have said. I’m not a fan of the first person narrative. It works in some cases, and even then it is VERY tricky. You have to have a real finesse for the first person to pull it off. I’ve seen a handful of people on Autho do this in a way that I could see being published. I’m not saying that this can’t be worked with in your story, but I’m getting too much of her thoughts and not enough action of what is going on. I felt the read started to slow and it lost me. I kept telling myself to refocus. I want to feel pulled along in the story, unable to take my eyes off the page. I’m not getting that here. I think more dialogue will help as will more action beyond her thoughts. Good luck with this. It seems to be a solid idea for a story and with a bit of polishing and hard work I believe it could go far.

Pam,

Great potential, but for me the pace was too fast and the style too slow. Is it a strange contradiction? Re the former, I found it a struggle to assimilate what was happening and keep up with the pace at the same time. And I don’t think the language helped. That the story takes place at a certain time past and you are trying to write it in the style of the time is, to my mind a mistake: that style is too formal and stilted to let you inject real texture colour and passion into the narrative. And with texture, colour and passion it could be a great narrative.

To me, the first person doesn’t help – but then I have always had an aversion to first person narratives – to me the I is too introspective and too inhibited to let it all hang out.

But take it or leave it… we all have differing ideas on what is good writing, about which, of course, Somerset Maughan said, ‘there are three rules – but nobody can remember what they are’; and, at the end of the day, this is your baby and that’s where the buck stops. So very good luck.

AJB

I had a chance to read the first few chapters of your book. I found it difficult to read, due to the fact it didn't hold my interest. However that does not take away any compliments to your writing skills. You are a powerful writer. You use words brilliantly in your narrative descriptions. Thank you for sharing this story.
Sincerely, LFRJ of IBFC

Dear Pam,

I finally found time to read the first few chapters of your book. I liked the dream idea and was immediately drawn into the story. I wanted to know more about your protagonist. After reading the first four chapters I still didn't have a clear picture of her in my mind.

This is a lovely fantasy and has a wonderful fairy tale quality. I would be intrigued to know where you take the story next. Keep going. Best of luck.

Tracey

i like the first chapter and how you start off with her having a bad dream. i wanted to keep reading and find out what it was about and why she had it. your description is spot on but i think your book would benefit from having a little more dialogue as well as the paragraphs being broken up a bit more. you have a strong voice and i feel like i can safely say i know who your main character is.
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

As promised, I have returned to read your book. And, I'm most impressed. This is my kind of fantasy -- a world and culture that you have built, characters who are intensely human with conflicts that make sense. There's magic and reasons to keep magic a secret. I've only read the first two chapters and I'm already wishing you had more than five chapters.

There are some mechanical issues in your writing. You have gerunds that don't really agree with the sentence they're apprended to ... that usually happens when you're trying to tighten the writing by combining sentences. Try reading it aloud to catch them. There's a "mettle" gate that should be a "metal" gate. There's some connector words missing. All these are just editing issues. And there's some punctuation issues. Overall, though, this is a well-written story, that deserves attention.

Lauri (Lela Markham - The Willow Branch)

Your writing is wonderful, using all the senses in your description.
I kind of felt that I didn't know enough about your MC though, perhaps it's just me. I think you have the making of a great story and I will definately be reading more.
I was drawn to your story as mine also has dreams/premontions. I love that it started with a dream straight away. I've added you to my WL for now.

Luciana
Burning Angel

You're good at being descriptive without being overly wordy. The only thing I wasn't crazy about writing-wise, is your use of the word 'stuff'. I know it was dialogue, and obviously that's how people talk, but I don't know, it was just ingrained in me at an early age by a former teacher of mine not to use the word 'stuff' lol.

Pam,
You have a refreshingly unique writing style long on prose and sparse on dialogue. I enjoyed every moment shared with Frieda because she's such a sympathetic character despite her foibles. Your plot flows well with your POV in the first person focusing on the action at hand with little time for backstory that gives immediacy to the narrative. Thank you so much for the delightful read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hmm, I like your pitch -- political and religious intrigue. Sounds, uh, intriguing. I've watch-listed your book. Unlike some people, I will read your book and comment on it. Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch).

hi Pam,
the tension and uncertainty of the first chapter are well portrayed. The lack of control by which the MC's life is characterised, is demonstrated by the dream which foreshadows an inevitable fate and threatens with visions of tragedy and horror. Your writing supports the dark emotions and drives the storyline forward, while your voice is strong and at one point reminds us that those times have already passed.

Hi Pam

I was able to read a number of your chapters. You write well! There are a few little spelling mistakes and wandering apostrophes here and there to tidy up, which I'm sure you will do in time.
This is really not a genre I enjoy very much, but I see that you have an interesting alternate reality here that comes from an imaginative and creative mind.
I don't think that it's my general lack of interest in the genre that made me feel as I read that I was running to catch up. There's something about the first chapter that made it complicated for me to get to know the characters and there world. I'm not suggesting an introductory narrative, but I felt rather that I had dropped into the middle of something strange and had not yet warmed up to the main character sufficiently to want to stay with her. Can you think of another hook to get started and some way to introduce us to her and her world before we get into the thick of things?

Awarded with stars.
Fr. Ambrose
"The Holy Innocents"

brilliant descriptive narrative takes this story along nicely...interesting, and compelling...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...