The Haunting of Hawthorne Hotel

I like the intro to this. It sets the stage for what's to come and almost feels like we're gathering around the fire for a nice mystery. My only suggestion with the introduction is to watch your repetition of words. For example, you say "tell," "story," and "each" a lot. Just be aware and mix it up.

The way you tell the story reads naturally, and it feels as if you're sitting across from me telling me a story. It's an effective story-telling style, and you write with a strong, distinct voice.

I like the part where we see what Jack's friend told him about the officers. The second you do that, the reader knows he'll be paired with one of them, but the fact that you included three made it a mystery. I was hooked.

This is really well edited. It was nice being able to enjoy the read without having to consistently jot down too many notes.

The second chapter takes a little bit of time to get going, but it finally takes off with the intrigue of the message from the hotel manager. That, in addition to Jack learning about the hotel being haunted, created a nice mystery. It did end pretty abruptly, though. I felt like it had just started getting good and then it ended. I wasn't ready for the chapter to be over.

Suggestions: How about "the president of the organization chose tend young men..." instead of "would choose." I wonder if it would fit his voice and add a little character if after the last line of the opening chapter you wrote, "At least she was hot." Is "that JDFA had reserved me a room in" necessary? Isn't it kind of implied already?

Typo: There's a couple of problems with one of your sentences. It would read more smoothly as, "Max has a bad record as well. He's very harsh on the rookies and out of the ten he's trained, three of them have died in the field." I'm not sure why, but you switch to present tense with the sentence, "... I finally arrive at the destination of my first mission." Up to this point, the story had been told in past tense. The switch is jarring. Make sure you're consistent. Should be: "here's your room key," he says without looking up at me. This rule applies to the other times you do the same thing with your dialogue.

In the end, I loved the feel of this. It was a fun, mysterious, easy read. This is the type of novel I could see myself reading from cover-to-cover beside the pool. I look forward to taking a deeper look. Highly starred. Good job!

Zachary,

Your first chapter is good. However, I feel you could do better by giving more details about the JDFA and why the ten high school graduates are chosen exactly. Just sayin!! :)

I honestly loved this. I really enjoyed the introduction. It set a great foundation for the story to build and I knew straight away that I really like your writing style.
I felt a bit like a kid in a group sneaking out at night to share ghost stories. You really nail the element of suspense. I was completely hooked by the end of chapter one.
Jack is great character. He is very believable and the story rides along easily on his back.
This is so well edited. I tried hard to find fault somewhere but I just couldn’t. Excellent.
Janny

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A captivating start. A smart, likable main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "All ten of you young men and women that are standing in front of me ... " 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people. There are more cases where you use 'that' when 'who' is appropriate.
2) Hyphenate 'sixty five.'
3) "Jack Spencer," My heart skipped a beat as my name was called. Period after 'Spencer.'
4) Good end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "Here's your room key." He says ... Comma after 'key' and 'He' should be lowercase. 'He says' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation) and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name). There are many more cases of this type of problem.
2) "Is there a problem with your room Mr. Spencer?" Comma after 'room.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) Hyphenate 'button down.'
2) "I haven't seen my friend yet." I explain to the man. Comma after 'yet.' 'I explain' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are more cases where dialogue that is followed by a dialogue tag is punctuated with a period when a comma is appropriate.
3) "I'm very sorry sir." Comma after 'sorry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it is worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Zachery,
I read through chapter five today and am thoroughly enjoying your work. Amateur sleuths are my favourite, and Jack and Leslie are very likeable. The fire scene went well. I will keep reading as I can. Five stars for now.
Best,
John

I like the intro to this. It sets the stage for what's to come and almost feels like we're gathering around the fire for a nice mystery. My only suggestion with the introduction is to watch your repetition of words. For example, you say "tell," "story," and "each" a lot. Just be aware and mix it up.

The way you tell the story reads naturally, and it feels as if you're sitting across from me telling me a story. It's an effective story-telling style, and you write with a strong, distinct voice.

I like the part where we see what Jack's friend told him about the officers. The second you do that, the reader knows he'll be paired with one of them, but the fact that you included three made it a mystery. I was hooked.

This is really well edited. It was nice being able to enjoy the read without having to consistently jot down too many notes.

The second chapter takes a little bit of time to get going, but it finally takes off with the intrigue of the message from the hotel manager. That, in addition to Jack learning about the hotel being haunted, created a nice mystery. It did end pretty abruptly, though. I felt like it had just started getting good and then it ended. I wasn't ready for the chapter to be over.

Suggestions: How about "the president of the organization chose tend young men..." instead of "would choose." I wonder if it would fit his voice and add a little character if after the last line of the opening chapter you wrote, "At least she was hot." Is "that JDFA had reserved me a room in" necessary? Isn't it kind of implied already?

Typo: There's a couple of problems with one of your sentences. It would read more smoothly as, "Max has a bad record as well. He's very harsh on the rookies and out of the ten he's trained, three of them have died in the field." I'm not sure why, but you switch to present tense with the sentence, "... I finally arrive at the destination of my first mission." Up to this point, the story had been told in past tense. The switch is jarring. Make sure you're consistent. Should be: "here's your room key," he says without looking up at me. This rule applies to the other times you do the same thing with your dialogue.

In the end, I loved the feel of this. It was a fun, mysterious, easy read. This is the type of novel I could see myself reading from cover-to-cover beside the pool. I look forward to taking a deeper look. Highly starred. Good job!

Zachary,
The Haunting of Hawthorne Hotel is a very suspenseful narrative. It's hard to imagine having to keep a suspect list of the people you meet and having to conceal it from them. The description of this opulent hotel from the lobby reminded me of the Brown Palace Hotel in Denver with its eight-story atrium where I stayed one very expensive night in the Molly Brown suite as part of the research for Chapter Seventeen of my story. I'm generally not drawn to the thriller genre, but the luxury hotel where this story takes place with its history of strange events reminded me so much of the Brown Palace Hotel which has its own strange history spanning more than a century. Jack Spencer and Leslie Sylvia make quite a pair and as far as detective stories go, this is one of my favorites. An opulent hotel with a history is a great place to visit in a work of fiction.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

LIke the first person perspective. Nice lead up to your mystery. Well done.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and Last Degree

Zach,
This has a nice feel to it with contemporary forthright prose yet colorful. I like Jean's mention of the Hardy Boy feel, which sells me on this. And yet this is original. I will pop back and read more and rate then. But your Hawthorne Hotel mystery is off to a good start.
Best,
John B Campbell

Wow. This is really good! But I think the first chapter is way too long and it might scare off a lot of people. Have you considered breaking it into two or three chapters? A very fun read. Hardyboy-esque. Good luck with it! JK

Well, I actually had it all in one document, so this would be split into several chapters. I will get around to that once I get most of it finished. Thank you very much for reading and commenting! I appreciate it!

Wow. This is really good! But I think the first chapter is way too long and it might scare off a lot of people. Have you considered breaking it into two or three chapters? A very fun read. Hardyboy-esque. Good luck with it! JK