Book Jacket

 

rank 2998
word count 16843
date submitted 07.05.2011
date updated 10.07.2011
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Crime
classification: universal
incomplete

The Haunting of Hawthorne Hotel

Zachary Wilson

Detectives Jack Spencer and Leslie Sylvia embark on their first mission to get to the bottom of the "accidents" at the Hawthorne Hotel.

 

The first book of the Jack Spencer mystery series, Jack Spencer and his partner Leslie Sylvia are tasked to find out what exactly is going on at the Hawthorne Hotel. From demonic possessions to deadly accidents, the hotel is full of activity, and it's up for the dynamic duo to determine whether or not the hotel is actually haunted.

 
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crime, detective, fiction, haunt, hotel, jack, leslie, mystery, sleuth, spencer, sylvia, thriller

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The Haunting of Hawthorne Hotel

I never dreamed of becoming a detective. Just like all the other kids, I had farfetched dreams of being a firefighter, an astronaut, or maybe even the president of the United States. I don’t recall ever considering becoming a detective, but that’s the occupation I ended up choosing. Or rather, it was the occupation that ended up choosing me.

By the time my wife and I retired, we had an endless amount of stories to tell. Stories of the criminals we stopped together as a crime fighting duo, or of how many times we were able to defy death due to the perfect mixture of quick thinking and a little bit of luck. Each and every time one of our children or friends asked, we would tell them a different tale. We told hundreds of stories, never repeating a single one, and while some may have doubted them, each and every tale was true with no exaggeration on our part.

Although I would tell a different story each time, the beginning was always the same. I couldn’t tell one of my great tales without telling my audience how I became a detective. I would always begin each and every story with the same introduction: “It all began the day a mystery found me…”

***

On the day I graduated from high school, I was contacted by a secret organization called JDFA, or the Junior Detective Foundation of America. Every year, the president of the organization would choose ten young men and women who had just graduated from high school. To be chosen, one needed either exceptional grades, or very high SAT/ACT scores, be a leading figure in their community, and be under the surveillance of an elite JDFA agent. This was all conducted under the radar, since the JDFA was in fact, a secret organization, much like the CIA, and those who were not members of this group usually had no knowledge of its existence.

My life changed the day I received a letter from the JDFA president. Once I agreed to join, and to keep the organization a secret, they whisked me away, to undergo training. As for my family and friends, some of the JDFA agents covered for me in that aspect.

One day I was standing in front of a flood of happy families and fellow students at graduation, and the very next day I found myself standing at attention with the other nine candidates from around the country. I can remember the JDFA’s president’s speech very well.

“Hello, I am Nancy Stiles, the president of the Junior Detectives of America.” The woman paused as she was greeted with applause from all of the agents attending the ceremony, and us candidates as well. “This organization is one very dear to me. My husband Raymond and I founded this together, in the hopes to drastically reduce crime throughout the world.” She stopped talking again as everyone in the room began to clap once more.

“Our mission is to make the world a safer place by training the country’s most talented young adults to become the world’s greatest detectives. All ten of you young men and women that are standing in front of me are all very special people.  For the last three hundred and sixty five days, each of you have been under surveillance by the partner I have handpicked to be your mentor for the next few years in your training. And now I believe it’s time for you to meet that person.”

The only word that could describe my feelings back then was “nervous”. I normally never let my nerves get to me, but I knew that my partner was going to make a huge impact on my performance. You must stick with your partner for a total of five years, and then, if they decide that you have what it takes, you will be able to handle high-level missions alone, or with a team of your choice.

To match the number of candidates, there were ten JDFA agents for each of us to be paired with. The only thing running through my mind at the time was what my friend from the training camp had told me:

“Jack, I’ve heard a lot about the ten officers that we can be assigned to this year. You should cross your fingers that you don’t get Max, Leslie, or Blaine. Blaine is the oldest of the three, he’s known for failing every single rookie he gets assigned. Max has a bad record as well, he’s very harsh on the rookies and out of the ten rookies he’s trained, three of them have died in the field. Leslie is the youngest and newest JDFA officer. She is famous for becoming an officer with just one month of rookie training. She’s gorgeous, but everyone is expecting her to be insanely tough.”

I stood there in place, praying I wouldn’t get Max, Blaine, or Leslie. I was hoping that I would get one of the other seven officers.

“Jack Spencer,” My heart skipped a beat as my name was called. “The officer that has been paired with you is our newest agent. She holds the record for the shortest time of any rookie to ever finish training. Meet Leslie Sylvia, your new mentor.” My heart sank, as the words hit me. I had been paired with one of the three officers I didn’t want to be with.

 

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Joshua Jacobs wrote 682 days ago

I like the intro to this. It sets the stage for what's to come and almost feels like we're gathering around the fire for a nice mystery. My only suggestion with the introduction is to watch your repetition of words. For example, you say "tell," "story," and "each" a lot. Just be aware and mix it up.

The way you tell the story reads naturally, and it feels as if you're sitting across from me telling me a story. It's an effective story-telling style, and you write with a strong, distinct voice.

I like the part where we see what Jack's friend told him about the officers. The second you do that, the reader knows he'll be paired with one of them, but the fact that you included three made it a mystery. I was hooked.

This is really well edited. It was nice being able to enjoy the read without having to consistently jot down too many notes.

The second chapter takes a little bit of time to get going, but it finally takes off with the intrigue of the message from the hotel manager. That, in addition to Jack learning about the hotel being haunted, created a nice mystery. It did end pretty abruptly, though. I felt like it had just started getting good and then it ended. I wasn't ready for the chapter to be over.

Suggestions: How about "the president of the organization chose tend young men..." instead of "would choose." I wonder if it would fit his voice and add a little character if after the last line of the opening chapter you wrote, "At least she was hot." Is "that JDFA had reserved me a room in" necessary? Isn't it kind of implied already?

Typo: There's a couple of problems with one of your sentences. It would read more smoothly as, "Max has a bad record as well. He's very harsh on the rookies and out of the ten he's trained, three of them have died in the field." I'm not sure why, but you switch to present tense with the sentence, "... I finally arrive at the destination of my first mission." Up to this point, the story had been told in past tense. The switch is jarring. Make sure you're consistent. Should be: "here's your room key," he says without looking up at me. This rule applies to the other times you do the same thing with your dialogue.

In the end, I loved the feel of this. It was a fun, mysterious, easy read. This is the type of novel I could see myself reading from cover-to-cover beside the pool. I look forward to taking a deeper look. Highly starred. Good job!

Sandeshan wrote 573 days ago

Zachary,

Your first chapter is good. However, I feel you could do better by giving more details about the JDFA and why the ten high school graduates are chosen exactly. Just sayin!! :)

Jannypeacock wrote 650 days ago

I honestly loved this. I really enjoyed the introduction. It set a great foundation for the story to build and I knew straight away that I really like your writing style.
I felt a bit like a kid in a group sneaking out at night to share ghost stories. You really nail the element of suspense. I was completely hooked by the end of chapter one.
Jack is great character. He is very believable and the story rides along easily on his back.
This is so well edited. I tried hard to find fault somewhere but I just couldn’t. Excellent.
Janny

CarolinaAl wrote 667 days ago

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A captivating start. A smart, likable main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "All ten of you young men and women that are standing in front of me ... " 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people. There are more cases where you use 'that' when 'who' is appropriate.
2) Hyphenate 'sixty five.'
3) "Jack Spencer," My heart skipped a beat as my name was called. Period after 'Spencer.'
4) Good end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "Here's your room key." He says ... Comma after 'key' and 'He' should be lowercase. 'He says' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation) and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name). There are many more cases of this type of problem.
2) "Is there a problem with your room Mr. Spencer?" Comma after 'room.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) Hyphenate 'button down.'
2) "I haven't seen my friend yet." I explain to the man. Comma after 'yet.' 'I explain' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are more cases where dialogue that is followed by a dialogue tag is punctuated with a period when a comma is appropriate.
3) "I'm very sorry sir." Comma after 'sorry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it is worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Nigel Fields wrote 670 days ago

Zachery,
I read through chapter five today and am thoroughly enjoying your work. Amateur sleuths are my favourite, and Jack and Leslie are very likeable. The fire scene went well. I will keep reading as I can. Five stars for now.
Best,
John

Joshua Jacobs wrote 682 days ago

I like the intro to this. It sets the stage for what's to come and almost feels like we're gathering around the fire for a nice mystery. My only suggestion with the introduction is to watch your repetition of words. For example, you say "tell," "story," and "each" a lot. Just be aware and mix it up.

The way you tell the story reads naturally, and it feels as if you're sitting across from me telling me a story. It's an effective story-telling style, and you write with a strong, distinct voice.

I like the part where we see what Jack's friend told him about the officers. The second you do that, the reader knows he'll be paired with one of them, but the fact that you included three made it a mystery. I was hooked.

This is really well edited. It was nice being able to enjoy the read without having to consistently jot down too many notes.

The second chapter takes a little bit of time to get going, but it finally takes off with the intrigue of the message from the hotel manager. That, in addition to Jack learning about the hotel being haunted, created a nice mystery. It did end pretty abruptly, though. I felt like it had just started getting good and then it ended. I wasn't ready for the chapter to be over.

Suggestions: How about "the president of the organization chose tend young men..." instead of "would choose." I wonder if it would fit his voice and add a little character if after the last line of the opening chapter you wrote, "At least she was hot." Is "that JDFA had reserved me a room in" necessary? Isn't it kind of implied already?

Typo: There's a couple of problems with one of your sentences. It would read more smoothly as, "Max has a bad record as well. He's very harsh on the rookies and out of the ten he's trained, three of them have died in the field." I'm not sure why, but you switch to present tense with the sentence, "... I finally arrive at the destination of my first mission." Up to this point, the story had been told in past tense. The switch is jarring. Make sure you're consistent. Should be: "here's your room key," he says without looking up at me. This rule applies to the other times you do the same thing with your dialogue.

In the end, I loved the feel of this. It was a fun, mysterious, easy read. This is the type of novel I could see myself reading from cover-to-cover beside the pool. I look forward to taking a deeper look. Highly starred. Good job!

Walden Carrington wrote 683 days ago

Zachary,
The Haunting of Hawthorne Hotel is a very suspenseful narrative. It's hard to imagine having to keep a suspect list of the people you meet and having to conceal it from them. The description of this opulent hotel from the lobby reminded me of the Brown Palace Hotel in Denver with its eight-story atrium where I stayed one very expensive night in the Molly Brown suite as part of the research for Chapter Seventeen of my story. I'm generally not drawn to the thriller genre, but the luxury hotel where this story takes place with its history of strange events reminded me so much of the Brown Palace Hotel which has its own strange history spanning more than a century. Jack Spencer and Leslie Sylvia make quite a pair and as far as detective stories go, this is one of my favorites. An opulent hotel with a history is a great place to visit in a work of fiction.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

billysunday wrote 697 days ago

LIke the first person perspective. Nice lead up to your mystery. Well done.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and Last Degree

Nigel Fields wrote 712 days ago

Zach,
This has a nice feel to it with contemporary forthright prose yet colorful. I like Jean's mention of the Hardy Boy feel, which sells me on this. And yet this is original. I will pop back and read more and rate then. But your Hawthorne Hotel mystery is off to a good start.
Best,
John B Campbell

ZachEW wrote 743 days ago

Wow. This is really good! But I think the first chapter is way too long and it might scare off a lot of people. Have you considered breaking it into two or three chapters? A very fun read. Hardyboy-esque. Good luck with it! JK


Well, I actually had it all in one document, so this would be split into several chapters. I will get around to that once I get most of it finished. Thank you very much for reading and commenting! I appreciate it!

J.Kinkade wrote 743 days ago

Wow. This is really good! But I think the first chapter is way too long and it might scare off a lot of people. Have you considered breaking it into two or three chapters? A very fun read. Hardyboy-esque. Good luck with it! JK

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