The Webspinner

I've been trying to leave comments but the bloody comment box didn't work. (Except that I can click the submit button.) Now it's working. Ok, I'm reading as fast as I can! Bloody good! I'm not going to go into any detail yet because I'm only on page 9 and I want to get this one read! As usual the writing is fine style and you have me in.
(I'm checking my fact sheets re the details on the heroin stuff and Nixon etc . I lived in the US in 1968-69 when Nixon was in power with Spiro Agnew and was (sort of) politically active in a rock'n'roll sort of way. My then wife was a singer with a band called the Emotions. Ended up being kicked out of the US in 1970 November. The period is "MY time lol! I'll give you a full crit when I've read it. So far, great reading as usual. Backed.

Clive - the read I promised and am not looking for a return. It helps me with my own editing to read others. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish.

The synopsis isnt a standard one but the timeline in history and the words 'well researched' are sufficient to encourage me. I will add that I had misgivings of a repeat of the Marsailles 'French Connection' approach.

First Chapter gritty opening, setting the scene with an MC (?) and sufficient action to tug in the reader. The historical drop on his background was about right for that opening. Good dialogue - my only sense was it was slightly overdone and could be edited a little tighter, and faster, by removing some of the references to a faulty radio. In reality he would not have been given quite so long. I started to do the maths for the 425 kilos and the American market but stopped - presume you have done that. A street sale value may have tweaked the reader but a minor point.

Chapter 2 - a shift in pace with action sitting alongisde a more descriptive backdrop and scene setting - the sign over the entrance to the prison is a nice touch and something that helps a reader visualise the place. Small comment - we move from 'The Customer' to 'the man' - not sure why it jars with me and shifting to simply 'he' earlier may be better.

Despite the build of tension the action when it happens is unexpected and works well - a 9 mm dumdum shot so close should tear a huge exit hole in a man. The scene works well overall, however the jump from Malbec escaping, to his memory of being with Danielle didnt work as well - I had to recheck the names - I thought his memory was of the wine and not the arrest, so started reading that as a new scene, then realised it was the same man. From there the dialogue in the car works well and you continue with a strng build of characters. I'm not sure the French would refer to the gun as coming from the Brits ' another nickname perhaps the full British or even' The Roast Beef'?

SDECE build also works with good dialogue but perhaps could be tightened up a little. I'm familiar enough with the history there but perhaps others less well acquanted would be focusing on understanding the history and not staying with the story - small point. That same lesson then becomes a science one on the prification of heroin and one I feel may be better introduced into the story by a character and not as simple backdrop.

Chapter 3 and neat twist with Malbec reappearing in an SDECE safe house and another touch with the Australian link.

Chapter 4 and the jump to Australia and Vitelli. It reads as well as before, no typos and some good dialogue, with supporting backdrop. One issue I am finding is remembering all the characters - may be too many too early. I've the boat captain and the customs agent who arrested him in Chapter 1; I've Malbec and later Ricard SDECE, as well as Lebreton and Colonel Bernier. Non are yet a main chacter and I'm still trying to recall how each one fits into the story. That's causing me to pause and look back.

You now throw in Raoul and Baker with Patrick Guinane and finish with Davis, Yeldham and Wyman. I've come to the stage where there are too many threads to early and instead of reading I'm consciously having to pause and assess how each sits within the story so far.


Overall a fair read and one sitting well below where it could sit on the Authonomy table. Writing is good and pace is about there. Introducing less characters so early may not only make this easier for the reader to absorb but also speed up the action a notch. Not going to shelve you as you've said you're not interested but will star as above average. Did check the reasearch wherever possible and nothing glaring. Best. Steve

Chapter 13, how about talk about the two things that happened rather than say two things happen simultaneously. Apart from that all is fine hence six stars

There's two kinds of drug dealers, ones that need a forklift and ones that don't. No matter how hard they try to keep an even keel, there is always someone ready to mess up a good dope deal, greed I suspect. I had no idea about Australia and them being caught up in it all back in the late sixties. But, they had been close to the orient opium for centuries before Viet Nam happened, I wonder why it took so long to take hold? And after all that has happened, now everything is going sideways, ugh. I'm gonna have to order the final chapter, extensive writing and elaborate undertaking. Good job, Peter B.

Suggestions? chap. 2...Is it kerbside or curbside? And the bldg. 5 "storeys" spelling didn't look right to me?

chaps 11& 12

11 could do with a bit of downsizing on the office talk, although the details are important.
12 is very convincing, and even a non-card-player can appreciate the rising tension, the intoxication with whiskey and money, and the consequences of the two players clashing and blowing a valve. I enjoyed the subtle bits of psychology which are woven in as part of the story, as they sound plausible and fit the plot.
They also make the characters more three dimensional and interesting as the common method of blunt stereotyping has been avoided.
Therefore, the rape scene was delayed and when it happened it wasn't overdone although quite rough, while the aftermath brought some unexpected diffusion of general tension. I thought that was well observed.

chaps 9&10

Did you mean Clausewitz?

I lapped up the Lavois back-story as it entailed some info I'm familiar with. Just to mention, that the clearance papers for possible Nazis after the war which L. seems to have been involved in as part of his job was called a 'Persil Certificate'.

There was one incident of wording which could be slightly misleading. 'Cosima got out to stretch her legs.Ten minutes later Malbec drove away leaving Maria bound with her own stocking', sounds as if he drives off without them. I didn't notice any other inconsistencies.The tension, pace and timing all contribute to a gripping story. We are left with the question, when the bodice will be further investigated. A deliberate end-of-chapter hook ? I'll have to read on.

chaps 7&8

I liked the personal touches of involving family in the game of life, where Croffman's decisions are driven by the love for his son, and Yusef grieves a father in whom he never confided his innermost thoughts or feelings. And Cosima is splitting up over a job which is threatened by her brother's existence. All nice and complicated like the real world.
I'm still struggling with names and places, especially as the action jumps around quite a bit, and not only normal names are used, but also abbreviations, i.e. Harold and Harry, Richard and Dick. The lack of some kind of division highlighting the beginning of new scenery in the following paragraphs adds to this. Some books I've read on here indicate the location in question before, like a subtitle, and that can help orientation on part of the reader.

The sex appeal of the stewardess was convincing and is an example that the author can tackle all sorts of literary perspectives with ease. Apart from the above criticism I enjoyed many a punchy expression and found many a sentence full of wisdom and insight, i.e. about the opium workers, about police investigations, about motivation amongst the crime fraternity. The hook in chap 8 is a brilliant one.

chaps 5 and 6

The more I read the more I realise the intellectual and historical properties with which this book is charged. I'm trying to retain details of each scene as every speck of information has some bearing on the story. In chapter 5 I'm struggling again a bit as new characters are introduced (i.e. Marenche, Tropel and Lavois :-))) to add to the spectre of an international corroboration of global dimension, although I cannot fault the writing which is clear and concise. (The WW 11 was a hoot). A true game of chess is being played out and the diversity of moves is mindboggling. I'm deeply impressed with how you managed to draw everything together into a fictional story with convincing and believable characterisations.

I loved the slipping in of Marcus Aurelius and I can only applaud the choice of quoting an empirical viewpoint when nowadays this aspect can be forgotten over individual splinters depicting a personal perspective.

Chapter 6 is my favourite so far. The contrast between Yusuf's Turkish personality who clambers for recognition, promotion and general betterment, and Croffman who remains some kind of mysterious Bond figure, comes across as a great story where your writing tools are being applied to perfection. Characterisation, description, dialogue or pace are all brilliant in my view, and the reader is able to settle in the different scenes, while getting a glimpse of the action, also getting involved in the tension and minor hang-ups and being able to savour with Yusuf the little steps forward towards clinching a sliver of success.

By the way, Umm Kultham has weasled his way into my heart and I can hear his siren voice!

Ame

chaps 3 and 4

These chapters flow nicely and I had no issue with names or sequences. I did marvel at the fact that you called Pissaro and Seurat minor impressionists. Rene's make-up session added a colourful touch and created extra interest for my female senses.

It seems that a harmonious balance has been struck between staunch crime politics and some daily events charged with emotional content, i.e. the beach scene introduces dialogue which lightens up the heavy duty atmosphere with snippets of sun-kissed interaction. I had a laugh at the 'mens sana . . .' translation and enjoyed the champagne/water discussion. The pace is good and the bits of backstory here and there fit in well without overstretching the reader's curiosity or taunting it with too generous a lashing of tell-tale politics.

If I'm reading this right, Guinane sounds a fast, strong and slippery shifter who overindulges and consequently hurts himself, while Croffman's bulky shadow is making its presence known in a pop-up fashion in very different scenes. He's not saying much which adds to his mystique. Yeldham's cool office manner seems to cover up the character of a determined crime-worm who will make a formidable opponent. Dry armpits in that kind of heat? I'd be wary of this person if I met him. And the noose is already pulling tight on Vitelli. Great set-up of characters.

Apart from introducing the main players, you touched on some contradictions concerning male/female relationships. Guinane shows facets of regret concerning the past while still living it up with the odd opportunist. Helen's got herself involved with somebody dubious, while appearing to be a nice and orderly woman. That promises to create some sparkly moments filled with social as well as sexual tension.

You have avoided creating stereo-types by showing a contrast of weaknesses and strengths. I particularly liked the aspect of Harry's personal involvement and his viewpoint as a caring parent. Your book seems unusual in this area, as it offers an omnipotent perspective, while a lot of books these days only cover the world seen through the eyes of one or maybe two people. I do not have a preference for either style, but your choice of narrative seems to offer a wider horizon to discuss the world at large.

'Facing each other in the office had become unbearable for both men' needs a reference to Harry, but that's my only nitpick. I'm getting the taste and anticipate a brilliant plot.

Ame

Hi Clive,
I've started your book and shall comment as I go along. I thought the Prologue served as a hot intro into how the other half live and commit their crimes in leisure, and the tension was well upheld throughout. I had no problems understanding what was going on - the boat carrying illegal goods and Customs having sussed the plot. I enjoyed the cat-and-mouse dialogue, with aspects of power-wrangling pushing events forward. You managed to rake up sympathies on part of the Captain, as a distinct feeling of disappointment gripped me when the plastic bags were carried off.

Chapter 2 was more controversial from a reader's point of view. The prison break was covered in a matter-of-fact style, showing a lack of sentimentality which seemed rather authentic. But I struggled a little with the wealth of diverse information, the French expressions, the names, the different aspects of politics and crime.

This kind of story-telling creates a colourful scenery, being diverse while covering different parameters, but it could also confuse the reader to the point where he finds himself no longer in control of the happenings. History and fact mixed with fiction creates a sense of something real and truthful, but it can at times interrupt the flow. I wonder if a dotted line would help to separate past and present, news and novel.

Rene is a distinctly clever person and his character could be backed by a couple more descriptive sentences, what he looks like, how he acts and dresses, what he eats for breakfast and how he likes his women.

My favourite sentence in this chapter was : 'His wife would be annoyed at yet another ruined dinner'. That was beautifully personal, showing different sides pulling in different directions, without further explanation being necessary to explain the workload and trouble this case would cause.

Cesari's story was haunting and really interesting as a backdrop to the events.

Ame

WEB SPINNER
This is a book with a dramatic beginning: a smuggler’s boat about to be boarded and searched. It’s a good way to both introduce the captain and set the story in motion. I barely remember the “French Connection” (I think of that more as a hockey term), so basing the story on that gives this not only a good historical basis but ensures all of this sounds real. A good read, I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I don't understand the discourse that goes on inside the head of a man who is getting ready to be fired on and his ship sunk. He talks about suing, which I don't know how you do after you're dead. The other ship keeps giving him this time limit that seems to come and go with a new time limit. Such a none chalant attitude for a captain, or whatever, to have with a crew of people.

Things like "conversations with picturesque flourishes" is not described in something called "Whim of Times." What is that picturesque of? Where is the flourish? It just seems those words were put together because they sound nice (which they do). In fact, to me, that entire paragraph doesn't make sense. "A free day for a freebooter" some how is funny. At least Boucan was amused when he thought it, but how is that funny? And what does it have to do with leap year?

"Then he woke up." To what? Smuggling paid more? Life was better than whatever he was? Because we don't know how much he was paid as a soldier, if he was struggling and needed extra income. What did he "wake up" to? What realization? It is not clear. You write that people were curious on why he had a fishing boat that never carried fish. Then you write that no one would be foolish enough to think of Boucan a fisherman. Those statements are contridictory. If they knew he wasn't a fisherman no one would wonder why there were no fish.

The "Who knew. Who'd talk. Why . . ." sentence is completly not understandable to me. They want to inspect the ship, what does that have to do with "pissing in pockets?" I could go on.

Perhaps it's just me. I don't get it - the language, the reasoning. I found wherever you had narrative I was completely at odds on what you were saying. I did, however,understand the dialogue quite well and I enjoyed the tension and Boucan trying to get them to hold off by saying his radio was faulty.

When something is not understood by me I usually just comment on what I do like because it would take too much to change everything that I find problems with. Evidently the four people who bookshelved it did not have the same problems I did. So I left it at that. I hope here you find more of what I meant and I do apologize for being so vague before.

Abby

Read only the first chapter. Some of the narrative I found hard to understand. But the dialogue was excellent. It was gripping, filled with tension and easy to follow. It was well-written.

Abby

Why do you bother with comments like this which are utterly useless to the recipient?

Read only the first chapter. Some of the narrative I found hard to understand. But the dialogue was excellent. It was gripping, filled with tension and easy to follow. It was well-written.

Abby

HI I have just read the first 2 chapters. I like this very much. I dont skim and like to take my time. I dont always read the whole book but yours i will.

Not only is the style good, the plot is excellent. You have a good balance of story and information. So i will pop this on my watch list and continue reading later when i will write you a longer critique as that is what you are after.

kate

Off the rails

Thank you Odette/Kate. I await your verdict.

HI I have just read the first 2 chapters. I like this very much. I dont skim and like to take my time. I dont always read the whole book but yours i will.

Not only is the style good, the plot is excellent. You have a good balance of story and information. So i will pop this on my watch list and continue reading later when i will write you a longer critique as that is what you are after.

kate

Off the rails

Read my profile & get back to me if you feel like doing some real work. I don't do skims.

Crisp writing. I find boats, and anything to do with boats, beyond boring, but read with interest through the opening chapter. Ordinarily i would not have, so, for me, you've obviously done something right.

I don't see a problem with the style of writing, nor with the prose, so i would say carry on with what you're doing.

Would you, or anyone reading this, be kind enough to have a read of the novel I’m currently writing, and uploading to authonomy, called ‘A Very English Affair’ and leave a comment, back it, add to a watchlist or whatever you feel. Thanks.

Crisp writing. I find boats, and anything to do with boats, beyond boring, but read with interest through the opening chapter. Ordinarily i would not have, so, for me, you've obviously done something right.

I don't see a problem with the style of writing, nor with the prose, so i would say carry on with what you're doing.

Would you, or anyone reading this, be kind enough to have a read of the novel I’m currently writing, and uploading to authonomy, called ‘A Very English Affair’ and leave a comment, back it, add to a watchlist or whatever you feel. Thanks.

It is a great start, racy, fast-moving and the reader is immediately involved. For me, both chapters 1 and 2 were marred with bits of backstory awkwardly spliced in - I prefer a straighforward narrative. I dipped into a few more chapters, and found what appears to be a well developed plot, and the writing is always very competent. I think you will need to work on this in order to smooth out the edges, but it has a great deal of promise. To be backed, Marj.

The moment of truth indeed! How you 'finally finished reading' is a mystery since the ending is not available on Authonomy except by contacting me & requesting it. All your earlier comments equally reveal that you're just another Authonomy freeloader who wants people to read their own book but can't be bothered to do more than skim others & dash off a few lines of generic waffle.

Well Clive --

I finally finished reading. I have no severe crit for you, only a few tweakings:

By CH 11 when Lavois and Tropel show up again, I´d lost track of them. I´d like less of a backstory for them, and more for Croffman. I can picture Malbec and Vitelli clearly, but Croffman eludes me.

Pat and Boya -- They make a good pair, but don´t seem to bond much. I´d expected a more solid relationship from them after what they´d been through ... jokes ... old stories in their waiting and watching scenes. Perhaps we can know more about Pat through Boya.

The moment of truth, when Pat discovers where Malbec & Friends are -- I would describe this key scene as rational, controlled. I´d prefer to go through the opening of the floodgates step by step and then feel the fireworks of sudden realization.

I enjoyed your story immensely.

Elina
CLASH

Well Clive --

I finally finished reading. I have no severe crit for you, only a few tweakings:

By CH 11 when Lavois and Tropel show up again, I´d lost track of them. I´d like less of a backstory for them, and more for Croffman. I can picture Malbec and Vitelli clearly, but Croffman eludes me.

Pat and Boya -- They make a good pair, but don´t seem to bond much. I´d expected a more solid relationship from them after what they´d been through ... jokes ... old stories in their waiting and watching scenes. Perhaps we can know more about Pat through Boya.

The moment of truth, when Pat discovers where Malbec & Friends are -- I would describe this key scene as rational, controlled. I´d prefer to go through the opening of the floodgates step by step and then feel the fireworks of sudden realization.

I enjoyed your story immensely.

Elina
CLASH

Ann,
I thank you again for the most informative review I’ve ever received on Authonomy.
I suspect the spelling issues are simply the differences between USA & UK spelling. I personally prefer the latter. To me an ‘ass’ is an animal, whereas the derriere is an ‘arse’ - likewise with words like ‘honour’ ‘labour’ etc. Your countrymen decided to change the spelling over time, but that doesn’t mean that I have to follow along.
John Le Carre & many others still write in English English, and manage to sell their books. That’s the language I was raised in, & I’m not going to pretend that I’m an American.
My grammar is my own, subjective; but it is based on 20 years as a professional journalist, subjected to the hard eyes of professional sub editors, & my reading of great writers over almost four decades.
I know the so-called rules, & have reached the stage where I feel qualified to bend them to my own purpose.
But I will certainly review everything you’ve mentioned. I’m aware that there is a fine line between arrogance & ignorance, hubris & blind spots.
With thanks,
Clive,

When I started reading the revision, one thing I noticed right away, was that your structure remained basically the same. I guess I was expecting more sweeping changes. I stick by my original comment which is that you introduce too many characters and storylines for most readers to get their heads around (no doubt Ludlum was told the same thing). However, the quality of your writing is extremely high. Much, much better than the majority of the books I've encountered on authonomy, although there are grammar and spelling issues.

Some of these comments may seem random, but I essentially made them as I went along, although in some cases, I doubled back and added more.

There's too much good stuff for me to mention it all specifically, but I did find myself thinking, particularly in the Boya/Croffman scene (and many others) that you provide such rich local details that I completely believe in your story world.

LOVE THIS LINE: After breakfast he approached the receptionist carrying that international badge of innocence, the strap-hung Pentax with phallic, long-range lens. It's a great example of the kinds of gifts for readers, you include. And it's just because I'm lazy that I haven't marked a bunch more.

I still found I was most connected to Patrick. Other characters, not so much. And I'm mostly interested in Croffman because of his connection to Patrick and Helen. And you left me a bit dissatisfied in that regard!

NOTE HERE: It had taken just fifteen minutes the previous evening for her fiancé to turn into a stranger, in the car coming back from the airport. Now he was just someone she had once known. She was still dazed by the stupefying injustice.‘Grounded?’ exclaimed Emin. ‘What do you mean? That’s insane. You’re one of the best hostesses we’ve got.”

In this scene between Emin and Cosima, you give away the ending at the beginning, although, I wasn't exactly sure Emin was the fiance referred to until I read further and then doubled back. You can clean this up easily.

The scene where you tell me some of Croffman's background is choppy. It was a surprise that he had a son, was a war hero, etc. Not sure what I'm suggesting here. Just that I've seen quite a bit of Croffman before I learn anything about him. I found this whole section choppy. And here was an opportunity for me to connect with a character and begin to root for him. I like the idea of a man who's done what he has, but is still undone by the thought of his son's difficulties. However, you didn't get the emotion across here, where you did in other places. I actually think you presented Sadi more appealingly than you did Croffman. And at the very end of the story, you reinforce Croffman's humanity when he gives Helen a gun.

I LIKE THIS: The Director was a very average‑looking man in those middle years when men are either seeking refuge from their regrets or working intently in anticipation of achievement.

In the scene with Guinane and Yeldman, you repeat the information about Croffman. I like this version better.. it's clearer. I finally discover the child has a brain tumor. I suggest you cut the earlier Croffman scene that covers this information, and stay with this one.

It's a good technique to keep a reader hooked for a time, but I think the very long back story on Henri Lavois will make readers impatient. It is, however, another example of your meticulous approach to your story and to the wealth of your research. Just don't overdo that, because many readers will either start skimming, or stop reading.

The whole hijack scene and the escape from the aircraft is done well. And of course, this is where we see Cosima again... perhaps consider moving the scene with her and Emin closer to the hijack??

LIKE THIS: A nice line for the women that; a whiff of cordite blended with a dash of sensitivity.

I liked the scene between Pat and Helen... waited a long time for it. It could be fleshed out, however.

Enjoyed, very much, the description of the valley of Goreme. Recently heard a travel show that talked about this, which was the first I'd heard of it.

There's some good stuff in the poker game, but it goes on too long. I suggest trimming it to the most important bits.

LIKE THIS description of Croffman: She studied the side of his face as he concentrated on the carburettor. It was a strong face, self‑contained but still open to life's complexities. The face of a man who was still evolving, not yet stamped with irrevocable convictions. There was a defensive crease above the bridge of the nose.
And I like that he's suffering remorse for raping Cosima.

Beginning of 11 - you take too long to tell me who the 4 men are. Hooks are good, but you don't want to irritate your readers.

The dog scene: wow! You don't need cliches like the black pits of hell

You have a habit of beginning a chapter or section and going on for several paragraphs before identifying who "he" or "she" is. (sometimes you don't identify them, and used occasionally that's fine) But personally, I feel more connection to a character if I know who's head I'm in more immediately. One example where it doesn't make sense not to tell me immediately is the beginning of 18.

The ending is suspenseful, but I have a couple of quibbles. I think including part of the Wyman scene (his desperate rush to get to Helen's flat) in the scene where Guinane arrives at the flat, but before we know he's shot might work. Also, unclear where Boya ended up (until last chapter). We see him bringing a gun... but don't see what he does with it. And I was unsure who the multiple silencers were when Vitelli is shot.

guess I was waiting for Helen and Pat to meet again, after he's shot. You teased me with that relationship.

You call Yusef Boya through most of the book. Maybe sprinkle Yusef in more regularly?

Grammar issues... one is that you don't use commas to set off the person being spoken to: Yes, Yusaf, I know... etc.

Comma use in general is an issue, actually. But I can't push too hard that you check things marked by Word, since Word is frequently mistaken on grammar. Also noticed spelling issues, which is something Word is a bit more reliable about. Some may have been Brit or Aussie spelling vs American.

Webspinner is an amazing tour de force, Clive. But I stick with my original opinion that you've made it too complex for many readers. And it was difficult for me to connect with and care about your characters. You seem to pull back from the emotional aspects... Cosima and Croffman, Helen and Pat. I'm not looking for romance here... but you've set up rich possibilities for deeply emotional intricacies in the story. And although I do look for an emotional connection in a book, I also know that writers like Clive Cussler and Dan Brown have made millions without being able to write anything emotionally convincing, and that all many readers want is a rip-roaring adventure... which is what you have.

Hope my comments serve a useful purpose!!

Ann - Absence of Grace

SPOILER ALERT - The following review contains specifics about the plot.

Clive,

When I started reading the revision, one thing I noticed right away, was that your structure remained basically the same. I guess I was expecting more sweeping changes. I stick by my original comment which is that you introduce too many characters and storylines for most readers to get their heads around (no doubt Ludlum was told the same thing). However, the quality of your writing is extremely high. Much, much better than the majority of the books I've encountered on authonomy, although there are grammar and spelling issues.

Some of these comments may seem random, but I essentially made them as I went along, although in some cases, I doubled back and added more.

There's too much good stuff for me to mention it all specifically, but I did find myself thinking, particularly in the Boya/Croffman scene (and many others) that you provide such rich local details that I completely believe in your story world.

LOVE THIS LINE: After breakfast he approached the receptionist carrying that international badge of innocence, the strap-hung Pentax with phallic, long-range lens. It's a great example of the kinds of gifts for readers, you include. And it's just because I'm lazy that I haven't marked a bunch more.

I still found I was most connected to Patrick. Other characters, not so much. And I'm mostly interested in Croffman because of his connection to Patrick and Helen. And you left me a bit dissatisfied in that regard!

NOTE HERE: It had taken just fifteen minutes the previous evening for her fiancé to turn into a stranger, in the car coming back from the airport. Now he was just someone she had once known. She was still dazed by the stupefying injustice.‘Grounded?’ exclaimed Emin. ‘What do you mean? That’s insane. You’re one of the best hostesses we’ve got.”

In this scene between Emin and Cosima, you give away the ending at the beginning, although, I wasn't exactly sure Emin was the fiance referred to until I read further and then doubled back. You can clean this up easily.

The scene where you tell me some of Croffman's background is choppy. It was a surprise that he had a son, was a war hero, etc. Not sure what I'm suggesting here. Just that I've seen quite a bit of Croffman before I learn anything about him. I found this whole section choppy. And here was an opportunity for me to connect with a character and begin to root for him. I like the idea of a man who's done what he has, but is still undone by the thought of his son's difficulties. However, you didn't get the emotion across here, where you did in other places. I actually think you presented Sadi more appealingly than you did Croffman. And at the very end of the story, you reinforce Croffman's humanity when he gives Helen a gun.

I LIKE THIS: The Director was a very average‑looking man in those middle years when men are either seeking refuge from their regrets or working intently in anticipation of achievement.

In the scene with Guinane and Yeldman, you repeat the information about Croffman. I like this version better.. it's clearer. I finally discover the child has a brain tumor. I suggest you cut the earlier Croffman scene that covers this information, and stay with this one.

It's a good technique to keep a reader hooked for a time, but I think the very long back story on Henri Lavois will make readers impatient. It is, however, another example of your meticulous approach to your story and to the wealth of your research. Just don't overdo that, because many readers will either start skimming, or stop reading.

The whole hijack scene and the escape from the aircraft is done well. And of course, this is where we see Cosima again... perhaps consider moving the scene with her and Emin closer to the hijack??

LIKE THIS: A nice line for the women that; a whiff of cordite blended with a dash of sensitivity.

I liked the scene between Pat and Helen... waited a long time for it. It could be fleshed out, however.

Enjoyed, very much, the description of the valley of Goreme. Recently heard a travel show that talked about this, which was the first I'd heard of it.

There's some good stuff in the poker game, but it goes on too long. I suggest trimming it to the most important bits.

LIKE THIS description of Croffman: She studied the side of his face as he concentrated on the carburettor. It was a strong face, self‑contained but still open to life's complexities. The face of a man who was still evolving, not yet stamped with irrevocable convictions. There was a defensive crease above the bridge of the nose.
And I like that he's suffering remorse for raping Cosima.

Beginning of 11 - you take too long to tell me who the 4 men are. Hooks are good, but you don't want to irritate your readers.

The dog scene: wow! You don't need cliches like the black pits of hell

You have a habit of beginning a chapter or section and going on for several paragraphs before identifying who "he" or "she" is. (sometimes you don't identify them, and used occasionally that's fine) But personally, I feel more connection to a character if I know who's head I'm in more immediately. One example where it doesn't make sense not to tell me immediately is the beginning of 18.

The ending is suspenseful, but I have a couple of quibbles. I think including part of the Wyman scene (his desperate rush to get to Helen's flat) in the scene where Guinane arrives at the flat, but before we know he's shot might work. Also, unclear where Boya ended up (until last chapter). We see him bringing a gun... but don't see what he does with it. And I was unsure who the multiple silencers were when Vitelli is shot.

guess I was waiting for Helen and Pat to meet again, after he's shot. You teased me with that relationship.

You call Yusef Boya through most of the book. Maybe sprinkle Yusef in more regularly?

Grammar issues... one is that you don't use commas to set off the person being spoken to: Yes, Yusaf, I know... etc.

Comma use in general is an issue, actually. But I can't push too hard that you check things marked by Word, since Word is frequently mistaken on grammar. Also noticed spelling issues, which is something Word is a bit more reliable about. Some may have been Brit or Aussie spelling vs American.

Webspinner is an amazing tour de force, Clive. But I stick with my original opinion that you've made it too complex for many readers. And it was difficult for me to connect with and care about your characters. You seem to pull back from the emotional aspects... Cosima and Croffman, Helen and Pat. I'm not looking for romance here... but you've set up rich possibilities for deeply emotional intricacies in the story. And although I do look for an emotional connection in a book, I also know that writers like Clive Cussler and Dan Brown have made millions without being able to write anything emotionally convincing, and that all many readers want is a rip-roaring adventure... which is what you have.

Hope my comments serve a useful purpose!!

Ann - Absence of Grace

The set up for this story is so complex, intelligent and filled with mystery that I read twelve chapters in two sittings. And woe my back, but it was worth it.

What strikes me is the author´s profound knowledge of the setting and of his characters -- and there are many complicated, flawed characters here, with deep arcs.

This is a truly interesting, extraordinarily gripping, story.

I´m still reading.

Elina
CLASH

Clive,

As you can see, I've just backed Webspinner, You have woven a complex, intelligent tale, and your writing is exceptional. I will try to make additional specific comments as I continue to read.

Ann Warner - Absence of Grace

Clive,

You are a gifted and accomplished writer, and there are some marvelous scenes in the early going. However, each time as I settled in with a particular character, in the next scene you were introducing someone new. There are a dizzying number of people and details to keep track of. After reading the first 3 chaps, I skipped ahead and skimmed to see when I would see more of the characters I found particularly interesting: Malbec and Patrick. What I found was more characters and more details and little to feed my interest in these particular characters.

This is, clearly, an extremely complex story. My major suggestion is to simplify. Is there any way you can decrease the number of characters by combining some of them to do double and triple duty? Also, is it possible you are so locked into the "true" details of this story that you can't let go of them in order to tell the fictional story? A fictional story, incidentally, that shows a great deal of promise.

For example, although I think your opening scene is extremely well done, I don't see where it serves the overall story, as it appears that Boucan never shows up again.... at least that I could find.

Still, good work, and definitely a story worth sticking with.

Okay, now for some specifics:

"What could customs offer" - is it Customs offering, or Boucan offering to customs?

Section beginning: Inspector Jean Carre, - the POV is unclear – Is it Carre or Boucan

He controlled his demeanor (Carre?)

I was following along just fine until I hit the section on Renzio Vitelli. It's confusing. On the one hand the Australians are apparently told that the man has no record but then you bring in a Bernier and a Boitel. With a re-read I see it's all there. But it's densely packed information that you could smooth out just a bit. I'm still getting settled in and dealing with a lot of names and acronyms here. After I read further, I wondered if you even need this scene here. Why not give me the background details I need in the scene after Malbec escapes. I think I'm more ready for it there, so it will stick better. And once I see Vitelli's connection to Malbec I'll remember him and make better sense of who he is.

"Gusting rain..." sounds like the headlights are doing the hissing.

The customer in the cafe and the waiter... you use "he" a lot and sometimes it's unclear if the he is the customer or the waiter. And if the customer doesn't want to be remembered, would he not leave a tip? There is also a point of view (POV) switch from waiter to customer, and then you switch to the guard with the machine gun, and then to Rene.

Line: Congratulations, gentlemen... why not identify the speaker immediately. It would make this bit clearer.

And who says... well played Commissaire

Ah... It's not clear until I finish the bit about Danielle and go on to the next bit that it was a memory... I think it's the way you've punctuated it, and your initial verb tense. You could fix it by not having the gap and by adding a past perfect tense. For example "Congratulations, gentlemen," Malbec had said that night two years earlier. Or something of the sort...

Also don't put in a gap and your spacers after this... just continue the scene, but now in the present.. your linking statement should maybe come sooner, alerting the reader of the return to the present.

Had a problem with the driver being the man who walked from the cafe to the prison. Expected there to be a 3rd person. If the car was already in place, let me know that... takes only a word or two.

In escape scene you switch from Malbec to the driver's POV.

I like Malbec, btw. He comes across clearly.

"It was loose surveillance"... I was fine with the explanation of Malbec's "diplomatic" run in until I got to this paragraph and had trouble connecting it with what it had to do with Malbec being detained or released. Unsure when Malbec seduced the gov's daughter?? Nice writing, but confusing info.

The entire section on heroin production, although interesting, abruptly stops the forward momentum of the story. And I don't believe you have all of the chemistry correct.

Do I need to know about M. Jo at this point? There are so many threads and I haven't yet finished the first chap.

You do the same spacing bit in the Patrick scene when you go to his backstory. You don't need to do that. This time, it was clear what was backstory, but it was written in a shorthand, almost choppy fashion as if you were making notes and planned to come back and smooth out later.

I like the character Patrick.. interesting.

His companion, an uncomplicated.. etc., was dozing. Rearrange sentence.

Like the line, undefined friend lurked in the glens of her conversation

Nice job on the encounter between Guinane and Helen. Intriguing.

Oh, I really like the line about loneliness

You drop an interesting tidbit into Harry's reverie... Frank Elliott's death.. seems to come out of left field. Do I need to know it right now?

You interest me in Croffman because of his connection to Helen.

Bernier doesn't come across clearly at all.. sort of a faceless bureaucrat.


I really, really like the parts of this when I'm close to a character and feel some of their emotions... which I did with the Patrick and Malbec scenes. I want to read more of their story, but I'm feeling overwhelmed by the number of characters. You clearly have the skill to tell an engrossing story, but you need to kill off a bunch of your darlings to free that story.

Hope this helps. I never make such extensive comments unless something in the story grabs my attention!

Ann Warner – Absence of Grace

P.S. Love your title!

Hi Ann,
This is certainly a thought-provoking review. There is much for me to think about here. I’m not sure how I can simplify it any more but I’ll certainly look at that aspect again.
Surprised about your comment on the chemistry of heroin as I went to considerable trouble to get that right. I see that you’re qualified to make the comment. I’d love you to expand on that a little if you have the time. I promise I’m not planning on setting up my own lab.
I think my info came from ‘The Politics of Heroin…’ by Dr. Alfred McCoy, although I have several others on the subject.
Anyway, many thanks for this.
Reading your crit brought to mind a Burns paraphrase:
“Ah wad some power the giftie gie us
To see our books as others see ‘em.”
I shall apply myself to ‘Amazing Grace’ within a few days & try to contribute something as useful as you’ve given me. I have another reviewer to repay 1st but I won’t be longer than a week unless real life rockets in something from left field.
Regards, Clive.

Clive,

You are a gifted and accomplished writer, and there are some marvelous scenes in the early going. However, each time as I settled in with a particular character, in the next scene you were introducing someone new. There are a dizzying number of people and details to keep track of. After reading the first 3 chaps, I skipped ahead and skimmed to see when I would see more of the characters I found particularly interesting: Malbec and Patrick. What I found was more characters and more details and little to feed my interest in these particular characters.

This is, clearly, an extremely complex story. My major suggestion is to simplify. Is there any way you can decrease the number of characters by combining some of them to do double and triple duty? Also, is it possible you are so locked into the "true" details of this story that you can't let go of them in order to tell the fictional story? A fictional story, incidentally, that shows a great deal of promise.

For example, although I think your opening scene is extremely well done, I don't see where it serves the overall story, as it appears that Boucan never shows up again.... at least that I could find.

Still, good work, and definitely a story worth sticking with.

Okay, now for some specifics:

"What could customs offer" - is it Customs offering, or Boucan offering to customs?

Section beginning: Inspector Jean Carre, - the POV is unclear – Is it Carre or Boucan

He controlled his demeanor (Carre?)

I was following along just fine until I hit the section on Renzio Vitelli. It's confusing. On the one hand the Australians are apparently told that the man has no record but then you bring in a Bernier and a Boitel. With a re-read I see it's all there. But it's densely packed information that you could smooth out just a bit. I'm still getting settled in and dealing with a lot of names and acronyms here. After I read further, I wondered if you even need this scene here. Why not give me the background details I need in the scene after Malbec escapes. I think I'm more ready for it there, so it will stick better. And once I see Vitelli's connection to Malbec I'll remember him and make better sense of who he is.

"Gusting rain..." sounds like the headlights are doing the hissing.

The customer in the cafe and the waiter... you use "he" a lot and sometimes it's unclear if the he is the customer or the waiter. And if the customer doesn't want to be remembered, would he not leave a tip? There is also a point of view (POV) switch from waiter to customer, and then you switch to the guard with the machine gun, and then to Rene.

Line: Congratulations, gentlemen... why not identify the speaker immediately. It would make this bit clearer.

And who says... well played Commissaire

Ah... It's not clear until I finish the bit about Danielle and go on to the next bit that it was a memory... I think it's the way you've punctuated it, and your initial verb tense. You could fix it by not having the gap and by adding a past perfect tense. For example "Congratulations, gentlemen," Malbec had said that night two years earlier. Or something of the sort...

Also don't put in a gap and your spacers after this... just continue the scene, but now in the present.. your linking statement should maybe come sooner, alerting the reader of the return to the present.

Had a problem with the driver being the man who walked from the cafe to the prison. Expected there to be a 3rd person. If the car was already in place, let me know that... takes only a word or two.

In escape scene you switch from Malbec to the driver's POV.

I like Malbec, btw. He comes across clearly.

"It was loose surveillance"... I was fine with the explanation of Malbec's "diplomatic" run in until I got to this paragraph and had trouble connecting it with what it had to do with Malbec being detained or released. Unsure when Malbec seduced the gov's daughter?? Nice writing, but confusing info.

The entire section on heroin production, although interesting, abruptly stops the forward momentum of the story. And I don't believe you have all of the chemistry correct.

Do I need to know about M. Jo at this point? There are so many threads and I haven't yet finished the first chap.

You do the same spacing bit in the Patrick scene when you go to his backstory. You don't need to do that. This time, it was clear what was backstory, but it was written in a shorthand, almost choppy fashion as if you were making notes and planned to come back and smooth out later.

I like the character Patrick.. interesting.

His companion, an uncomplicated.. etc., was dozing. Rearrange sentence.

Like the line, undefined friend lurked in the glens of her conversation

Nice job on the encounter between Guinane and Helen. Intriguing.

Oh, I really like the line about loneliness

You drop an interesting tidbit into Harry's reverie... Frank Elliott's death.. seems to come out of left field. Do I need to know it right now?

You interest me in Croffman because of his connection to Helen.

Bernier doesn't come across clearly at all.. sort of a faceless bureaucrat.


I really, really like the parts of this when I'm close to a character and feel some of their emotions... which I did with the Patrick and Malbec scenes. I want to read more of their story, but I'm feeling overwhelmed by the number of characters. You clearly have the skill to tell an engrossing story, but you need to kill off a bunch of your darlings to free that story.

Hope this helps. I never make such extensive comments unless something in the story grabs my attention!

Ann Warner – Absence of Grace

P.S. Love your title!

Well... the opening packs a punch! And I'm happy to say I stayed entranced enough by the story to want to carry on past Ch 3! I have stopped at end of ch 4 because of the ole problem of hating reading online, and I am running out of time!
In the first ch your dialogue is punchy enough to bring the MC alive. I noticed a few too many questions at one point, nothing serious just I think after the questions, 'who knew? Who'd talk? Why? there should be statements rather than more questions as that interrupted the flow for me slightly.
I find it has a good balance between dialogue and script, but maybe just a little bit too much telling about facts at certain points, where I love the story, I suddenly begin to feel that I'm dragged into reading a text book until it goes back to story again...
I was reminded of Sea of Poppies by Armitav Ghosh, have you read it? I'm glad to say though that I actually enjoyed this more! (the other so full of pidgin language that I read whole paragraphs without understanding a single thing!)
Oh, I noticed you wrote, 'gulls wheeled...' huh? I'm seeing seagulls on rollerskates!
I like the history of drugs stuff- Bayer made heroin for babies! Fab!
This is really very good and I'm going to have to find time to read on.... and make room on my shelf, but that I'm afraid will be awhile, I'm so behind now!!! Pleasure to read....

Hi Clive – started reading your thread on the forums and thought I would answer it with a review. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. She’s an acquired taste. Feel free to ignore her. I often do.

Your book deserves a good cover!

Your pitches prepared me for what I read. However, they’re inadequate for the story.

SP – this reads like a list of words you assume your audience will like. Heroin. Sex. Murder. Try to craft a statement or two that doesn’t merely attract their attention, but truly reels them in.

LP – “Facts” and “The novel” You format these sub headings differently. They should be the same. I like how you present the facts followed by your novel. The technique told me I’d be reading a fictionalized account of the actual events. I’m curious, and I’m not even your target audience.

I am one who does always read at least three chapters. I can read ridiculously fast, a huge asset here on Autho. I also offer meaty critiques.

OK, so chapter 1 – just acknowledgements. You’re making this too easy, Clive.

Chapter 2 – relevant characters, in alphabetical order no less! You are clearly obsessed with organization. I like that.

Chapter 3 – opening sentence. “Philippe came through the door without knocking. The first time he had ever done this.“ Your second sentence isn’t a complete sentence. Incomplete sentences are allowed, of course, if there’s a good reason for it. I don’t see it here. I would punctuate the sentences like this: “Philippe came through the door without knocking, the first time he had ever done this.”

So the next question – is this your opening? The verb is came. I bet you can do better. Barged? Stomped?

Coming back to this opening after finishing the first chapter, I agree that the scene of the vessel being “pulled over” is the right one for the start of the book. But is this the best first line? It’s a guy walking through a door in an unusual way. But the scene involves the capture of a huge load of heroin!! I would like to see a much beefier sentence here. Something astonishing, powerful – like the rest of the book.

In the scene in the garage, I stumbled over “The Australian.” I had to re-read to satisfy myself that he was the fellow who arrived in the Falcon. I wonder if calling him, “the man who arrived in the Falcon…” or something else already clarified would be a good idea?

I usually – or rather, The Hag usually – devotes most of a review to problems with spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Your writing is so technically clean that I am not finding any of that to do.

I’m an American, so every single location you mention is exotic and unknown to me. For example, when you say that Renzio Vitelle owns a bar in Pigalle, I don’t even know which country Pigalle is in. You are not responsible for the ignorance of this reader, but if the location Pigalle is meant to convey any particular meaning—if it’s posh, or downscale, working class or quietly respectable, whatever—we Americans won’t know that. So I guess I’m suggesting offering just a bit of description in some cases.

You do introduce a lot of characters. I suspect this is common for books of this sort. Yes, we have a list, but one way to help us keep them straight in our minds is to use the names as much as possible along with information about who they are.

I like the picture you paint for the man sitting in the Café Mahieu. I can envision the gardens despite having never seen them or even a photo.

“From the warmth of the Mahieu’s glass-walled terrasse it made a pleasant spectacle for anyone…..” To what does the pronoun it refer? I think you mean the Gardens….and you should probably say so.

OK, so is the man at the window-table the same one as in the first sentence of the previous paragraph? Because you don’t link them in any way. Perhaps have the first mention say, “The man sat alone at the window of the Café Mahieu.” Then when you describe him later, we’ll know it’s the same guy.

After that, each “he” refers to the waiter, who is not important. Then in the next paragraph, I believe “he” is the man from the window table again. I think he needs a hat or a dirty raincoat or some other distinguishing ‘feature.’

In the paragraph that starts with “The man on the rope…” Who is the second man? The one on the rope?? Or the guy who walked over from the café? I am a careful reader and I’m having trouble keeping these people straight. And in the next paragraph, one of the men is named Malbec. Why could we not know that sooner??

The whole scene is tense and exciting, but I can’t quite tell who is who.

I have no clue who these people are drinking a toast on Christmas Eve, 1970. (That may be your intent, but after the cast of characters I’ve just met, these are just a couple people too far.)

OK, now I know Malbec was the guy on the rope.

I have to confess I’m in way over my head here. I write Christian YA for pete’s sake!!

I think you are an absolute master of this style of storytelling – presenting small scenes that will later (I assume) coalesce into a meaningful whole. I can ‘see’ this story unfold before my eyes. I just wish I had a tiny bit more info on the characters.

“Is this you’re normal pitch…” should be your normal pitch.

“I was thrown in to plug a gap” needs a period. In this passage I’m not able to figure out who the woman in the shift is, though I get now that Guinane and Patrick are the same person. I had assumed that Christian name and that surname wouldn’t meet on the same person.

“He registered a Ben Croffman.” Huh? Does that mean the man with the woman in the shift is Ben Croffman?

You sprinkle the word ‘taut’ about like it’s common. It’s not. It jumps off the page every time I see it.

When I find out about the relationship later like this, I need to go back and re-read the scene to look for clues. I think it would work better if you provided a few hints about the nature of the relationship earlier. Surely his heart or stomach reacted to Helen Wyman? Could the narrator say…”…the woman hesitated for a second when she saw Guinane. His heart likewise developed a familiar rhythm. Helen Wyman.” That would keep us clued in.

I couldn’t tell who claimed to be in import and export or which woman responded to the comment.

What are we meant to assume about the woman he’s with on the beach, who joins him in his apartment? One night stand? Actual love interest? Business only? I can’t quite tell.

Your chapters are LONG!!

The second/fourth chapter moves along better for me as we’re no longer cutting from scene to scene and introducing character after character.

I expected the story of altering morphine into heroin to include a reference to Henri Ramier. Wouldn’t it make more sense to insert this after the mention of seeing the billboard with the announcement?

At the end of chapter four I am seeing the threads weave together, but now I want to go back and re-read the first scenes to make sure I have all the right info in mind.

Too many mysteries at the top of chapter 5. The Count reads a file and then looks at its author. Who is that? The author of the file? And then you begin telling me about the Count. I think there are too many POV changes.

So Bernier is the one talking to the Count? He’s never introduced to the scene.

I need more information about who visits the small town, buys a card and a gift, and mails it. OK, maybe I don’t. You clear it up soon enough. But really – why keep it secret? Why not let the reader see Malbec’s cleverness, let us eavesdrop on his thoughts?

I love the passages about immigrants to Australia and the one about Turks working in Germany. Very well written.

Twelve months later he migrated to Australia. Use the noun rather than the pronoun here; the reader is not certain which man has migrated.

Why is the desk clerk startled by Yusef’s appearance?? You describe it several lines later. Why keep us in suspense? With the many threads we’re already trying to keep straight it’s just too much. It feels like you’re laughing at me.

Boya uses the restroom to avoid being caught short, then immediately sips a coffee. I think he’s going to have to pee again.

I am very curious to know how Croffman slipped away. I think Boya would have described each person who exited the restroom so that we begin to suspect Croffman of giving him the slip.

Well, this was a fun test for me. I hope I’ve provided something helpful to you. If you want thorough reviews, I recommend joining a crit group. I’m in the Brutally Honest CG and we always give one another thorough reviews.

Best of luck to you
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

My very first thought was with this, after reading your first chapter, is that it might be best to break those breaks off into separate chapters….attention span in a lot of readers these days is smaller than a decade ago. And shorter chapters helps with pace, in my humble opinion.

You write very much like a screenwriter might...visually close to the subject, just as a camera might be, but just a little distant from the subject for the watcher to be certain of what they are seeing. Much harder to pull off in fiction, though.

I am only going to offer some thoughts on your first few paragraphs, because I think unless you resolve a couple of things, you might lose readers to an otherwise crafted story.

“He raced to the wheelhouse. Something was very wrong. A second inspection only a few hours later, at sea, meant they had a reason, a good one. He eased to port. A slight correction to increase their chances.” -----My main thought up to here, was what is happening?…although you have gained my interest I am not sure where I am, but possibly a boat, I assume because of ‘wheelhouse’ yet I certainly am not sure, except for the mention of port, and when you mention correction to increase their chances, I’m thinking of steering wheel. I think because you may take for granted people will read those first two chapters, which aren’t chapters to understand prior, it will make sense, but netherless you need to be clear in this first chapter.

So for example I would say, In this first paragraph you need to tell us a second inspection of what? Because it isn’t clear what you mean…I understand eased to port…but again you need to explain what is being corrected…if it is course, than I feel you need to tell us, because the way it is currently written makes a reader work really hard to understand exactly what is meant.

Beyond you first few paragraphs being confusing, you do handle language reasonable well and it is quicked paced as a thriller should be.

“Less than two minutes.” ----- I didn’t get this. –and it was only when reading on, I thought you might mean – less than two minutes passed….a slight difference.

My main thoughts regarding your opening, is that although the dialogue works well and you have a grip of pace, you probably just need to ground a reader just a little more than you currently have. This reads a little to me the way I would expect to read a screenplay….nothing wrong with that, except a screenplay has log lines which tell us where we are and what time it is. The way your opening currently begins we really have no idea of what time of day nor where we are. To me that is a simple fix…tell us at the start of the chapter.
Sirus Wheelhouse – in the Black Sea – or wherever we are.

Its almost as if you have gone a fraction too close with pov…and if you take just a little step backwards to ground readers, this has more potential.

Hope something helps. Good luck with this.

Hi,
Read the beginning of this (4 chapters) beause of your forum post complaining about prissy brief comments. Brevity is the science of writing. To be polite, some people may appear prissy.
I don't have much to add to the comment made by 'the dragon flies', so rather than simply repeat what you already know:
My first few lines of reading made me think, 'Whoa. Where are we?' Yes, you drop in enough info for the reader who wants to read on, to understand they're on a boat but it's further down the paragraph and one has to be motivated to read on to appreciate it. A lot of characters participate, yet we don't know what they look like, they could be First World War characters for all I know.You don't set the scene - sights, sounds, smells etc to evoke the necessary picture in the reader's hear. The first scene could be introduced with just two initial sentences so the reader knows where he/she is.
In the same chapter, you then jump into all sorts of people and places and slow the chapter down with a lot of back-story that may just be a tad too much 'tell'.
There is an old addage oft quoted: The camera is promiscuous, the book should never be. I thought if this was a screenplay, it could work better. The trouble with the omnicient point of view is that the reader has to wait for you to introduce your characters and back story, and people picking up a book in a book store, simply don't have the time, so they look for action in the first few paragraphs ot at least a promise of that.
Then there is the writing generally. It is tight, not Hemingway tight, but tight and that is good, but I think some decription is needed.
If you have a comment on my comment, message, don't post it here.
Best of luck with it.

Hi Fred,
Your comment is public so I claim the right of public response. But I’ll message it also as you asked.
Brevity is certainly the art of wit, but it is equally certainly NOT “the science of writing” as is evidenced by a cursory look at every great writer’s work eg Dickens, Dostoyevski and every Nobel Prize author I can think of.
But as my work is certainly not Nobelian then I refer you any major author you wish to choose as an example of the point you seek to make. I await your example of an author who meets your criteria.

“Yes, you drop in enough info for the reader who wants to read on, to understand they're on a boat but it's further down the paragraph and one has to be motivated to read on to appreciate it.” – The fact that they are on a boat is indicated in the fifth word & confirmed in the third line. If one has to be ‘motivated’ to read beyond the third line of any book then very few books will ever be read.
“You don't set the scene - sights, sounds, smells etc to evoke the necessary picture in the reader's hear.” – Well Fred if you can show me an author who has managed to encapsulate everything you want in the first five lines I promise to study that writer assiduously.
In the interim there is nothing in your comment that indicates you have read past the first few pages so my promise to reply in kind to ‘substantial’ review does not apply here.

Hi,
Read the beginning of this (4 chapters) beause of your forum post complaining about prissy brief comments. Brevity is the science of writing. To be polite, some people may appear prissy.
I don't have much to add to the comment made by 'the dragon flies', so rather than simply repeat what you already know:
My first few lines of reading made me think, 'Whoa. Where are we?' Yes, you drop in enough info for the reader who wants to read on, to understand they're on a boat but it's further down the paragraph and one has to be motivated to read on to appreciate it. A lot of characters participate, yet we don't know what they look like, they could be First World War characters for all I know.You don't set the scene - sights, sounds, smells etc to evoke the necessary picture in the reader's hear. The first scene could be introduced with just two initial sentences so the reader knows where he/she is.
In the same chapter, you then jump into all sorts of people and places and slow the chapter down with a lot of back-story that may just be a tad too much 'tell'.
There is an old addage oft quoted: The camera is promiscuous, the book should never be. I thought if this was a screenplay, it could work better. The trouble with the omnicient point of view is that the reader has to wait for you to introduce your characters and back story, and people picking up a book in a book store, simply don't have the time, so they look for action in the first few paragraphs ot at least a promise of that.
Then there is the writing generally. It is tight, not Hemingway tight, but tight and that is good, but I think some decription is needed.
If you have a comment on my comment, message, don't post it here.
Best of luck with it.

[The Webspinner]
The first chapter

In the first chapter there is the part where Boucan remembers things and looks back at what he does. It is beautiful, but there is nothing in it I don't already know and it slows down the story. I would remove it.

Also, would he be so stupid to tell someone over the radio that he paid for the other guys parties? I think it would give the other side more reasons to continue. Even if it is true, I would keep a lit on it. I might need the man in the (near) future and maybe someone higher up is pushing him as well.

I'm not sure what to make of this. There are a lot of different people passing by in that first chapter. They are all different (character-wise, I mean), which is great. But changing this quickly makes it harder to identify with a certain character.

Chapter 2 is less jumpy, in the sense that you stick longer to one character - which is far easier to read. But here again you start explaining things that don't really matter. The way heroin was created and produced is interesting, but it slows down your story considerably.

It's clear you know a lot about the subject, though. And it is an interesting read. that doesn't mean, however, you need to add everything in your story. If you feel this is important, find another way to add it; a way which is less intrusive of the ongoing story.

The same happens in chapter 3. Again a lot of interesting back story - slowing down the flow of the rest. You give information I didn't know about Pompidou, which is fabulous. But do I need it to read and understand the story?

My general problem with your story is that you jump from one man to another (the list of names up front already gave me that impression. I've you ever read a book of Pournelle (SF), you find that he, too, has a lot of different names. He is one of the few authors who are able to pull this off and do it well enough to keep you reading.)

In this particular book: you write well. You have the capacity to get published and you show you have researched this. But, you allow the background to come upfront. You jump around one from character to the next, giving the reader a hard time to really identify with his character.

This way you complicate a story which could be far easier told in a slightly different way. But of course, that's only my opinion.

Taut as a bowstring, great characters and vivid imagery, the dialogue is crisp and totally convincing. Nice writing I will come back to this soon, meantime its on my watch list. well done

Cyrus

Tight righting. Great dialogue. Amazing style. I was hooked from the beginning and couldn't stop myself from reading on. Very sophisticated stuff here. One recommendation...

"Earlier that evening Marcel Boucan smiled....." when you inserted this, I came full stop with what I was reading. The suspense died. The next paragraphs while interesting and well written scream backstory. I would recommend inserting this gradually elsewhere or omitting it. My recommendation then would be to continue on with: "Fifty-five seconds...fifty..."

The transition to section two wasn't entirely clear to me (I am dense, so keep that in mind). I'm presuming Boucan allowed the boarding, and that Inspector Jean Carre is the one who boarded the vessel? (I know this is the case, but only after I read further. It's probably OK, but I was disoriented momentarily.)

Section three

"His watch read a quarter...." I think you should say whose watch it is. I would like to know right up front. I can tell you are introducing some mysterious characters, but the readers need to know if this person is someone we already know, or someone new. Just my opinion.

Reading on to Chapter 2. Highly rated just for the way you write. Gripping and suspenseful. Love it. JK

Clive,
This appears to be very well-researched with fine cinematic details. The characters are well-drawn, dialogue, natural. This feels like it would make a great movie. There is every reason to read on with this work. Highly starred.
Best,
John Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Hi John,
A little on the sparse side as a comment but thanks for the thought.

Clive,
This appears to be very well-researched with fine cinematic details. The characters are well-drawn, dialogue, natural. This feels like it would make a great movie. There is every reason to read on with this work. Highly starred.
Best,
John Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

In keeping with my initial thought of opening with the prison break...having read on a bit more, I would take the beginning of chap 2, hook it up with the prison break section from chap 1, follow with the history/explanation of heroine and then continue/conclude with what currently opens...the boat smugglers getting caught and perhaps end chap 1 there.

Please keep in mind that I don't think any of this is crucial. I simply think this would go a long way towards alleviating the concerns some readers are having with getting overwhelmed by the beginning cast of characters. Also, I find the prison break has an air of "a beginning," if you follow. The bookends of the chap in having one man evade the authorities while another is captured adds to the cat and mouse theme that I suspect will dominate the work to follow.

Just a thought.

Hope you're on the mend.

E

Just a quick note on chapter one before I rush out the door.

Excellent stuff. Lots to love.

So many characters introduced as many have mentioned. So far not a problem. Will know better when we begin to see all these thread weave together. So I'll leave off that until further read.

Over the course of the radio exchange you've left off periods several times after "over".

Loved the line from Boucar about the boat responding like a forty year old hooker. Great line and the kind that makes me see a person...not a flat character ont eh screen.

On the lines-- What goes around comes around. Not a choice in sight.-- I would suggest italics...as these are Atlas's thoughts, no? If not, I'd lose the first...too cliche.

Right at the end..."...see where it takes us" is missing a period.

I might suggest opening with the prison break. I can elaborate why...but that's the only 'big' thought I had.

Again, very good stuff. Told with mastery and confidence. I'll get to more as soon as time permits.

On my shelf in the meantime.

Have read the first chapter and am overwhelmed by all the characters introduced thus far. Would like to see fewer characters this early, and more character development. It would make me want to read further.

Hi jbirtz, Re 'all the characters' that was why I inserted a 'Relevant Characters' list because others have said the same thing. If you get lost simply refer to it. On the other hand other readers have expressed no problem with reading on & understanding the characters in later chapters.
Perhaps if you read a little further than chapter one you may discover a reason to continue. Even in this age of instant gratification many writers refuse to denigrate their talents by writing formulaic novels aimed at people who want everything in the first couple of chapters.
I'd appreciate knowing the title of your most respected novel?
Lavois

Have read the first chapter and am overwhelmed by all the characters introduced thus far. Would like to see fewer characters this early, and more character development. It would make me want to read further.

The Webspinner Clive Matthews

This reminded me very much of a Frederick Forsyth novel. Authoritative knowledge, attention to detail and the sheer international span of the action. I was a bit worried by the long list of characters at the beginning as I thought I would have to keep referring to it to follow the story, but that didn’t prove to be the case. Excellent writing and this deserves to be better supported than it has been so far. So I'm backing you with lots of stars.******
Kat x Hens from Hell

Thanks for the crit SL. I'll certainly take a new look at Webspinner based on your comments. Still reading Fresco & will return with more comment later.
If you have the time could you tell me how you organised your cover? Did you hire a designer to produce it or is there a cheaper way for people who are not all that PC savvy?
Regards, Lavois

Sorry to be so long in returning my views of Webspinner.

Firstly there is no doubt you can write and not the slightest of doubt the thriller genre suits you to a T. All the action sequences are superb. I know some have criticised the amount of dialogue in the opening section but for me it added to the suspense and character development, I wouldn’t lose a line.

Indeed your characters voices ring true throughout

However unmitigated praise will get us nowhere. Someone alluded to Fredrick Forsythe for the detail in the book and I can see that, but at times I found it jarring. You have clearly researched this book well and for me the research occasionally brought the story to a halt.

I think you must also look at how you are bringing in your back stories. My view is the reader will only want to know about a character’s backstory when they know a little more about them. If you ever were to revisit the first chapters I would suggest you concentrate on the story almost to the detriment of the backstory. Let their histories unravel as we get to know them. The story is very enticing as it is.

There are a lot of characters to deal with here all introduced in a very short time frame. In war and peace Tolstoy uses entire chapters to reveal his characters. Louis de Bernières uses a series of short stories to bring his characters to life. I am not convinced a short bio each time someone emerges is helpful.

Some thriller writers use a protagonist’s view of an individual to try and sum him up in a fee lines and then unravel his back story as the novel continues.

I hope you don’t think I am either cavilling or over criticising this work as I think it has exciting prospects and am not surprised at it advancing up the charts.

Good luck.



S L Stockford (Fresco)

Sorry to be so long in returning my views of Webspinner.

Firstly there is no doubt you can write and not the slightest of doubt the thriller genre suits you to a T. All the action sequences are superb. I know some have criticised the amount of dialogue in the opening section but for me it added to the suspense and character development, I wouldn’t lose a line.

Indeed your characters voices ring true throughout

However unmitigated praise will get us nowhere. Someone alluded to Fredrick Forsythe for the detail in the book and I can see that, but at times I found it jarring. You have clearly researched this book well and for me the research occasionally brought the story to a halt.

I think you must also look at how you are bringing in your back stories. My view is the reader will only want to know about a character’s backstory when they know a little more about them. If you ever were to revisit the first chapters I would suggest you concentrate on the story almost to the detriment of the backstory. Let their histories unravel as we get to know them. The story is very enticing as it is.

There are a lot of characters to deal with here all introduced in a very short time frame. In war and peace Tolstoy uses entire chapters to reveal his characters. Louis de Bernières uses a series of short stories to bring his characters to life. I am not convinced a short bio each time someone emerges is helpful.

Some thriller writers use a protagonist’s view of an individual to try and sum him up in a fee lines and then unravel his back story as the novel continues.

I hope you don’t think I am either cavilling or over criticising this work as I think it has exciting prospects and am not surprised at it advancing up the charts.

Good luck.



S L Stockford (Fresco)

Lavois thank you for your constructive critique of my novel Fresco. As a fellow writer looking for publication you appreciate the value I place on your comments. Perhaps I need to dip my hand into my pocket and have a professional proof reader give it a good wash and dust up. Will certainly check through the specific errors you have highlighted.

I have put Webspinner on my bookshelf and will read at least three chapters and hopefully offer you the same supportive feedback you have given me.

Thanks again.

S L Stockford

Lavois thank you for your constructive critique of my novel Fresco. As a fellow writer looking for publication you appreciate the value I place on your comments. Perhaps I need to dip my hand into my pocket and have a professional proof reader give it a good wash and dust up. Will certainly check through the specific errors you have highlighted.

I have put Webspinner on my bookshelf and will read at least three chapters and hopefully offer you the same supportive feedback you have given me.

Thanks again.

S L Stockford

Hi SL.
You really don't need to pay a proofreader unless you are too busy to do it yourself. Anyone who writes as well as you should be able to do this himself. But it does take concentration & time.
Regards, Lavois.

Lavois thank you for your constructive critique of my novel Fresco. As a fellow writer looking for publication you appreciate the value I place on your comments. Perhaps I need to dip my hand into my pocket and have a professional proof reader give it a good wash and dust up. Will certainly check through the specific errors you have highlighted.

I have put Webspinner on my bookshelf and will read at least three chapters and hopefully offer you the same supportive feedback you have given me.

Thanks again.

S L Stockford

Clive. Here’s my detailed take on the first few pages here in Chapter Three (and remember when submitting that agents are looking for reasons to put down your work and pick up the next MS on the pile. They rarely read past the opening three pages and those pages have to punch above their weight.).

First line ‘Phillippe came through door ‘ through THE door.
Easing to port increases their chances of what? Could confuse the reader.
‘Boucan’s speech needs to be consistent. If he drops th then he would almost certainly drop g’s as in fuckin’ (you do this with ‘doin). Similarly he probably wouldn’t say ‘haven’t’ he’d say ain’t. His speech varies between being received, civilised and colloquial.
Full stop after ‘justify the radio fault’
They open fire’ - missing speech mark.
Boucan recognizing the voice on the radio is ambiguous and confusing – is it a man or woman from the Vieux Moulin. Why were they meeting at the VM. It’s a distraction that naming Pierre doesn’t resolve. And we don’t find out who Pierre is.
Why do you switch the boat names from italics? Caprice Caprice.
‘Pierre could be knee deep..’ There’s a real chance of losing your reader if they are having to work too hard – suggesting Pierre has trouble is okay in terms of holding back information but not at the expense of leaving the reader too much work to do (or leaving the reader to make wrong assumptions).
‘Earlier that evening..’ is a jarring shift. You need to make this clear that we have left the action behind and won’t be returning. As it stands the lack of a clear break means that the reader is waiting for you to continue the attempted boarding.
Also the gear change from showing action to telling us about what happened, telling us how rich people run the world and telling us about Boucan’s past life may make the reader think you’ll do this throughout the book. The things you tell the reader, the exposition, need to be integrated into the action or it feels like jumping from a Len Deighton thriller one moment to a Ben McIntyre biography the next.
You need to either bracket the section ending ‘Caprice was a simply pleasure cruiser’ with appropriate breaks or think of a way to blend the background detail into the drama.
The paragraph beginning ‘Would the Sirocco’s …’ is too dense. You’re asking the reader to engage in speculation that is both confusing and ultimately fruitless. The reader is concerned with the thrilling here and now – bullets coming at the ship – not the less than thrilling, arcane process of maritime law.
‘Fucken’ – you have to decide how Boucan talks. Fucking, fuckin’ or fucken?
If you edit this back to the action it’s great.

Clive: I really like your acknowledgements and list of characters (make it easy for the movie people!). Great beginning. Total action and very Tom Clancy-esque. Highly recommend.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree