Revealing the Revolution

Read through most of chapter 6. Interesting concept, Artificial Intelligence Morphors, Canadian scanning team, underground...Easy read with no unnecessary words. There are a few repeated words in later chapters you might want to change...
The first chapter tells lots about why Cam is the way he is...attention hog ego maniac. I love the character of Maria, enjoyed the heated one way conversation with her mom, Loved Rick and the chapter with his dad... but I think my favorite character is Ryan. I fell in love with Ryan's big happy family! Great story! Highly starred! Blessings, Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

I read through chapter 6 ad 7. You are a very talented writer and your dialogue does a great job of drawing the reader in. You form a personal relationship between the character and your audience and I think that’s a hard thing to do. I am not much good at a line by line critique but I did notice one thing. Throughout both chapters, I found I did not have a good feel for where they were. It didn’t form a picture in my head, so to speak. I am not suggesting you fill the chapters with paragraphs full of bloated description, but maybe a snapshot here and there wouldn’t hurt. Otherwise I love the story and your writing is fantastic. Thanks for the read and good luck to you. I will give this one high stars.

Uh-oh. The book starts off with LJ's father leaving, which then shapes the boy and the rest of the story, resuming with the boy in his twenties.

In the synopsis, I wondered what scanning was. Fortunately, the authors introduce us within the first few paragraphs. It's sort of like geo-caching with wild animals as the goals.

So what's geo-caching? Friends tell me it's using GPS locators to get off your arse and find hidden objects, kind of like a treasure hunt. Scanning also gets you off your bottom (notice I said 'you', not 'me'), out in the wilds of nature, and doing something interesting.

This world and the game has rules, some based on Asimov's laws. I ran into interruptions when the book was locked for editing, but from what I read thus far, it's an intriguing futuristic book that should appeal to all ages.

If the genre were not science fiction, it would definitely be SF, but of a different kind: sports fiction, which places emphasis on character-based drama, thrills and tension both on and off the field of play. Chapters 1 and 2 do a very good job of the character-based drama, but the potential for thrills is diluted by the heavy amount of technical exposition included so far - but more on this later.

Lucas is a very believable six year old, very ably observed and described throughout. The unconscious fluidity of his narrative carries the reader through chapter 1 very effectively. He is compelling and that is what you want in a first chapter. The other thing that you want is a hook, and that is also provided in the form of the unexplained disappearance of Lucas Senior. But what is most notable is that Lucas and his relationship with his father never becomes mawkish as so many depictions of young children and devoted parents often do. That has not happened here: I ended the chapter with respect for the character of Lucas, not revulsion.

The description of the team dynamic in chapter 2 is credible and immersive. Each of these characters expresses a point of view familiar to all of us at some point. Visiting a relative in hospital sometimes brings out an element of dysfunction in even the closest families, but here we are dealing with a close group of highly competitive individuals, and the problem is magnified as a consequence. The author skilfully and believable relays this scene as though we were standing behind a one-way mirror. The interpolation of dialogue from the television is cleverly used to develop the plot and create additional tension.

I felt that there was too much exposition in chapter 2: too much necessary information that had to be communicated quickly, rather than permitting the reader to learn it along with the continuity of events. Parts of chapter 2 felt like a textbook on the use of AIM and AIRC and the competition rules that govern their use. Could not the intricacies of points and statistics and training regimes be communicated in future chapters, perhaps during the competition itself when it is most relevant? For the first two chapters, a better approach might be to use the scanning as the background for character development, because that is the inherent strength of the first two chapters, but one which is being submerged by the technical exposition, instead.

This book has potential, but the idea needs refinement and the narration needs to be refocused away from the technical aspects (the plot device) towards the real action - the characters and their interactions. The author will not struggle to do so as they clearly have all the tools they need to write a compelling character drama set against a fascinating and unusual future.

Well done. Plenty of scope for a good novel.

I have noted some typos and other errors which I will send in a separate message.

Nichole,

I just read part of your book. I think it is a good start. I have some comments:

1) The long pitch: I know this isn't your primary focus now, but just thought I would comment. I think you need more of a hook to grab the reader. I like the part where you mention the corrupt underground of the sport and secrets being revealed. However, what are the consequences for them finding out these secrets? Will the world blow up? Will someone die? I think we need stakes.

2) The concept of the Scanning game is hard for me to follow. It seems like it is game hunting mixed with a scavenger hunt (??). Again I think you need to give more stakes in the begining to make it more exciting and amp it up a bit. Like Joe Blow the super duper Scanner guy of all time dies in a tragic scanning accident because it is such a hard core sport. Which brings me to...

3) The beginning conversation between the boy and his dad seem a little forced. I know what you are trying to do and that is introduce the game without 5 pages of info dump. I have this problem too. It is hard to introduce concepts in a casual way without "force Feeding" your audience. I just think it needs to be smoothed out a bit. Refer to comment #2 maybe have a News announcer talk about Joe Blow getting injured or die due to Scanning.

4) It was hard for me to visualize what this AI scanner thing looks like and what it is really used for.

Overall I think this is an original concept and is fun. I like how you started chapter 1 it was a great hook. You have great dialog and a good character driven book. Also, all my comment above are just my opinion feel free to ignore. You will be going on my shelf next book shuffle.

Very interesting concept, and intriguing plot. I was impressed how AIM and the idea of 'scanning the animals for points' are explained almost effortlessly in the first chapter. I nearly thought it it was something already existing. It's not an easy thing to do and I know a lot of writers - even the professional ones fail to do that. I got into the story so much so that when the father 'went away' at the end of the chapter one, and the chapter two jumped to seventeen years later, I felt quite frustrated. I hope that I don't have to read on too much to find out what happened to him.
Remaining on my WL and reading on.

R

good cover. interesting premise. the long pitch was good but could use a lift...
j

Fourth paragraph goes then, then," and you have the instead of another then...
Please don't take me as ctitical. In my novel I had numerous misses like this. If it wasn't for my wife, it would be unreadable.
Also, on this site, I've learned to take what I feel is correct and leave the rest from the comments given...
I like the first chapter also...good idea for the dad to have to leave; it builds up the tension.

good day;
I like the storyline. Good writing.
I read your long pitch and it looks like you missed a word in the second to last paragraph...it ended with "an"...
now on to the first chapter.

This story is hilarious. AIM directing and controlling people. Funny

Spot on writing here. Only nit was 'six-year-old' ought to be hyphenated. The boy was six years old. The birthday party was full of screaming six-year-olds.

I hate sports fiction as a rule, but your writing is quite compelling and the character interaction is fascinating.

REVEALING THE REVOLUTION

Hi Nichole. Sorry about the long wait—I am now returning the read. :-)

I like how you open with dialogue. That’s always a great way to pull us right in to the action. The six-year-old’s voice was great, very distinct. I’ll be honest that I did get a little tired of hearing about how the scanning works in his voice (perhaps you could condense it a little? It’s only a paragraph as it is, but the voice…), but I thought, also, that putting it in dialogue was a neat trick for giving us worldbuilding/premise insight. I thought the boy’s enthusiasm and energy was really well illustrated through his voice as well.

This is quite an interesting, technological world you’ve got here. It’s been fun watching it unfold as I go along in the first two chapters. You’ve really put a lot of work and thought into it.

Maybe this is random, but I kind of like the athletic-scientific combination going here too (what struck me in particular was the way he refers to his sprained tendon in sort of athletic-medical terms, it felt like, in chapter 2—totally fit with what they have to do and worry about). It seems like a little different mix to me, and I think it works so well.

Again, really rich, well-thought-out premise. You have an interesting mystery for us to solve, raising ever more questions about the world you’ve built as we go along.

Thanks again for your comments and support on Destiny, and I wish you all the best with your project.

Sarah E.S.
Destiny of Species

I read the first six chapters a few days ago and started to leave feedback but was pulled away from the computer before I finished. I love the characters--Cam, Rick, Ryan, and Maria. You've done a great job bringing them to life. Your writing style is very good, your dialogue natural, and the plot, so far, is intriguing. I'll be back to read more when I'm caught up on my other reading.
Good job. Highly starred.
Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

I really enjoy reading about Lucas and the concept of scanning. This is a very well written novel and, although it is a little complicated in the opening chapters, I don't think sci-fi fans will much of an issue with this. Really well done. I'm impressed.

Hey Nichole,

I’m here for our read swap. You do a great job of getting me to picture the little boy right at the start just by the way he speaks to his dad. I also really like that this is taking place in Canada. Most stories these days are always taking place in the US, so I appreciate the change in scenery.

It’s definitely a warm start because you feel the loving connection between the father and son.
One thing I noticed is how you used the word “with” in a sentence… “he whined with frustration when he noticed his dad…” Personally, I feel that it flows better if you were to say, “he whined out of frustration.” (I’m no grammar expert though!)

There are few small grammatical errors I’ve caught throughout your story that can be easily fixed by going over it and reading it out loud. It’s a trick I’ve learned, but just as I’ve found in your story, I am constantly correcting my own writing.

I really liked the ending of your first chapter and how dedicated he becomes to proving something to his father. It’s very intriguing and leaves the reader wanting to read further to find out if he does.
Highly starred overall!

Christine Rees
Spark

Hi, Nichole–this is an unforgivably late review from AudreyB. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I don’t like it when the SP and LP begin with the same, or very similar, phrasing. Both pitches read more like synopses than pitches: they tell me what will happen. The pitches, I think, because I am certainly no expert here, should draw the reader in by offering an enticing glimpse. Also, I think that the first bits of text should obviously be taking me where the pitches promised. But in this case, we must be going back about five years.

Having read very little Sci-Fi, I am no expert on world-building. But I like the way you begin with a very familiar image—small child rushing to tell parent something terribly exciting—and add in bits of the world as the scene progresses. I quickly learn that I’m in a world much like mine but also quite different.

I think I get Scanning—sounds like one part geo-caching, one part “The Amazing Race,” and one part “Death Race 2000,” in which drivers earned points for running down different types of humans. Great drive-in movie film.

At the end of this first chapter, I have a sense of having read too many words for the meaning they conveyed. I think the young Lucas says too much when he describes scanning. When Henk says, “As long as you haven’t told her any details, your wife should be safe,” he sounds like he’s narrating the story. What about waiting until the child asks when Mommy is coming home, and then having Henk nod and say, “You haven’t told her anything. She’ll be safe.” I guess I have the feeling you, the author, are telling me too much, not in the sense of telling vs. showing but in the sense that you’re explaining yourself. Let the characters act it out.

At the opening of Ch. 2 there’s a heading to let me know it’s many years later. Because the pitches put me into that future world, I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to give Ch. 1 a heading so I knew I was reading a scene from the past?

We start with a scene in a hospital room. At first I thought there were two men, but then I realize there are three, Rick, Cam, and Owen. Then it seems the whole team is in there. It strikes me as unusual that the television would be on with that many people in the room. Usually once a guest arrives, the TV goes off. It also seems odd to me that Cam would be sitting with his legs over the arm of a chair in a crowded room. I don’t know why. It seems sort of rude, but everyone tells me the characters in my book are far too polite so let’s assume I have weird ideas about decorum. It does identify him as arrogant. As far as I can tell, no one in the room is LJ, but the connection to the first chapter is clear: the story is about Scanning.

Once we’re back in the room after the flashback to the last training session, it occurs to me that Maria is the only other team member. So now maybe the TV being on isn’t so strange. Anyway, I would say that was too much of a mystery—sussing out who was in the room—for its value to the story.

The paragraph starting, “It had been a challenge out in BC…” has an awful lot of verbs of being in it. You use active verbs quite well—the description of LJ scanning the deer comes to mind—so it’s noticeable when you don’t.

Most of the way through this second chapter, I still have the sensation of reading words that aren’t supplying sufficient meaning. I should have some feelings toward the members of the team, and I don’t know enough about them yet to care about them at all. Of course, this is the curse of trying to pack exactly the right details into the first two chapters. Some mystery is essential for holding my interest. But I am almost too mystified to continue.

Wouldn’t a high-profile sports team already have replacements in training? They talk about finding a temp but it seems to me there would be an obvious person waiting in the wings. You give this a nod later on, but it still strikes me as strange that a team with a member over age 50 isn’t making intentional plans for his replacement.

At the start of Ch 3 there’s lots of talk about the team dynamic, and I don’t feel I’ve really seen these characters working as a team. Seems like they would be echoing one another’s thoughts and finishing sentences and doing other things (technical term: doing other things) that show me how well they function together.

It’s interesting to read about the ways players can cheat as they discuss replacements. I imagine we’ll need that knowledge later on. But it’s still weird to me that there’s no farm team or AAA team of Revolution-trained players.

The phrase is, “…you have another think coming.”

“…in case anyone had been wondering about that…” This phrase is a good example of what people really say, but which seems superfluous in text.

When the SportsCentre guys chat about Ryan, perhaps they can offer a detail or two that wasn’t given in the conversation with the Board?? What you have here is essentially redundant.

It’s a pleasure to read your error-free manuscript. The Hag is bored, but that’s her problem. You have an outstanding grasp of grammar/spelling/punctuation/usage

Wishing you all the best with your ms, and I apologize again for taking so long to return your read.
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Definitely a character-driven sci-fi, which broadens the appeal. Strong pitches, great writing, and a very different premise. The gel transforming into a dog got my interest from the start, and rest of the chapters come across something like the far future of sports/hunting, when athletes will combine with technology. I’m not usually a fan of the genre, but I found this readable and well written. You introduce a lot of interesting concepts, and the characters are all very different.

I like the contrast between the different chapters – it gives some context to Scanning, and allows you to introduce multiple characters. A good balance of action, dialogue, memories and information, which flows better the further you get into it. Chapter three gives some good information on a number of characters, and a bit more explanation, and the narrative really gets going after chapter five.

Read through most of chapter 6. Interesting concept, Artificial Intelligence Morphors, Canadian scanning team, underground...Easy read with no unnecessary words. There are a few repeated words in later chapters you might want to change...
The first chapter tells lots about why Cam is the way he is...attention hog ego maniac. I love the character of Maria, enjoyed the heated one way conversation with her mom, Loved Rick and the chapter with his dad... but I think my favorite character is Ryan. I fell in love with Ryan's big happy family! Great story! Highly starred! Blessings, Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

I read through chapter 6 ad 7. You are a very talented writer and your dialogue does a great job of drawing the reader in. You form a personal relationship between the character and your audience and I think that’s a hard thing to do. I am not much good at a line by line critique but I did notice one thing. Throughout both chapters, I found I did not have a good feel for where they were. It didn’t form a picture in my head, so to speak. I am not suggesting you fill the chapters with paragraphs full of bloated description, but maybe a snapshot here and there wouldn’t hurt. Otherwise I love the story and your writing is fantastic. Thanks for the read and good luck to you. I will give this one high stars.

Uh-oh. The book starts off with LJ's father leaving, which then shapes the boy and the rest of the story, resuming with the boy in his twenties.

In the synopsis, I wondered what scanning was. Fortunately, the authors introduce us within the first few paragraphs. It's sort of like geo-caching with wild animals as the goals.

So what's geo-caching? Friends tell me it's using GPS locators to get off your arse and find hidden objects, kind of like a treasure hunt. Scanning also gets you off your bottom (notice I said 'you', not 'me'), out in the wilds of nature, and doing something interesting.

This world and the game has rules, some based on Asimov's laws. I ran into interruptions when the book was locked for editing, but from what I read thus far, it's an intriguing futuristic book that should appeal to all ages.

I am afraid I still got a bit bogged down in this and by the end of the 1st chapter I only had a vague idea about what was going on. This is fine if there is tension and speed in the dialogue that makes the reader curious and want to find out what is going on – this doesn’t happen till right at the end, which could be too late for an impatient reader/editor. The background detail is needed but not at the expense of flow (same problem I have).
Perhaps the first chapter could be a prologue with a bar conversation disputing a game outcome. This would provide scope for humor and background without slowing things down. The dialogue, particularly later in the book zips along and is clever so why not use your dialogue skills up front? A news item on the bar’s TV could provide a hint of ominous things to come and provide source information that could be “analyzed” by the characters – providing more info to the reader without blocks of text. This way the reader would be prepped a bit and you could move into the story. I don’t feel the initial dialogue with the dad is enough of a hook by itself but would make a good start to a second chapter following a zippy scene – just a thought.
I looked a few chapters further on and the pace and flow had picked up so all you need is to get over the first bit – unfortunately that is where the axe often falls.
Minor Points in Chap 1
- …the man asked || felt a little odd his father asked (unless you are trying to get a point out that this may not be a biological father, still…?
- He managed to …. || He had managed to…. (I know past perfect is dying but I still like it particularly when there are no further sub clauses)
- He had to keep (the) animal in view in order to successfully scan (an) animal’s genetic code. || Agreement problem either:
(One) had to keep an …….an Or
He had to keep (the) …..(the)

I would be happy to revisit it later. Shoot me a message if you do any rewrites and I would be glad to look at them.

Andrew

A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.

Hi Nichola, finally that promised crit. Hope it’s useful.

Science fiction is a genre I’ve sort of drifted away from since I was a teen, so it’s been over 20 years since I’ve read much, but I enjoyed his. This is based on reading the first 5 chapters, so some stuff may be covered later.

You’ve got a good cast of distinct characters. There’s clearly interesting dynamics with the father-son thing, and also between the members of the team. But here’s something that confused me a bit. The father-son in chapter 1, aren’t the ones in chapter 2? I’m terrible with names, and I just sort of assumed they were at first. I may be getting mixed up on something here...

I thought you got into the mind and the thinking of the little boy really well in chapter 1.

It’s a believable world, and the new game fits comfortably into the domestic settings you have.
Now, here’s a few questions. Not meant as criticisms, just some things that crossed my mind that I hoped might help...

How is scanning a spectator sport? Set in the wilds and sprawling as I assume it does, it must be difficult to televise or watch in person. At least it is in my head, so I’d be interested to read how it’s possible.

I don’t know if there’s enough information and menace about The Underground in the early stages, beyond the grown-ups conversation at the end of chapter 1. Are there major problems with the society in which the story is set? I’m gathering that scanning must have sinister uses but I can’t quite join the dots yet.

If this team, the Revolution, are so good, how come they’ve never won anything? I wonder if they should have had more success, but suffered a setback in the last year or two.

I would have maybe liked a little more action. I’m in chapter 5 and still waiting for competition to happen.

Is scanning dangerous? There are suggestions that it is, but I don’t really feel it yet.

I wonder if the old team captain is seeing more questions raised about his age. Maybe he’s being blamed for a drop in standards last season, and maybe, rather than a heart attack, maybe he had an accident in training, which could have been fatal? He could still have the same level of physical restrictions as he does now, but this would give an idea of the physical stakes in the game.

You do a great job of getting information to the reader about the game and the circumstances of the world this is set in, through the character dialogue. But I think sometimes there’s occasions when this is leaned on a little heavily, with characters telling each other too much stuff that they’d already know.

So there you go. Hope that’s of some use. If anything doesn’t make sense, just drop me a line and I’d happily try and clarify – or admit I’m a doofus and I’ve completely misunderstood something. Good luck with it!

Neal

Hi Nichole,

So as promised, I read chapter 2. Sorry it's taken me so long to get to you. :)

Possible point of interest: I didn't realize Cam was actually L.J until I read the reviewer comments further down and put two and two together. I had figured he was important from all the face time he received in chapter 2, but the actual connection was lost to me.

I sort of disagree with one of the comments below. The one about the details of the tech sounding like a tech magazine or something, and that they are not necessarily needed in this chapter. In all honesty, I felt I needed more information about the tech because I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it was all about, which became distracting. Are the AIMs holograms? Do they have a real body that morphs according to the user's needs? What do they do when they reach an animal if they can't kill it? This is information that can be shared, as the other reviewer mentioned, in the background so that the character development can still play over top, but would still help to give the reader some clearer understanding of what's going on. Just a suggestion.

I felt at times that the POV seemed to jump from person to person. Like in the last section break, we are told what Maria is thinking and then in the last paragraph, we get Rick's thoughts.

The story is developing nicely, and the interplay between the characters is well done. The dialogue is smooth for the most part and believable. Nice work.

Dyane

Very character driven for SF, which i really like. I couldn't read all of it, but from what i read it is very complex and engrossing. I will be coming back to it, and I really look forward to the re working it says you working on right now.

If the genre were not science fiction, it would definitely be SF, but of a different kind: sports fiction, which places emphasis on character-based drama, thrills and tension both on and off the field of play. Chapters 1 and 2 do a very good job of the character-based drama, but the potential for thrills is diluted by the heavy amount of technical exposition included so far - but more on this later.

Lucas is a very believable six year old, very ably observed and described throughout. The unconscious fluidity of his narrative carries the reader through chapter 1 very effectively. He is compelling and that is what you want in a first chapter. The other thing that you want is a hook, and that is also provided in the form of the unexplained disappearance of Lucas Senior. But what is most notable is that Lucas and his relationship with his father never becomes mawkish as so many depictions of young children and devoted parents often do. That has not happened here: I ended the chapter with respect for the character of Lucas, not revulsion.

The description of the team dynamic in chapter 2 is credible and immersive. Each of these characters expresses a point of view familiar to all of us at some point. Visiting a relative in hospital sometimes brings out an element of dysfunction in even the closest families, but here we are dealing with a close group of highly competitive individuals, and the problem is magnified as a consequence. The author skilfully and believable relays this scene as though we were standing behind a one-way mirror. The interpolation of dialogue from the television is cleverly used to develop the plot and create additional tension.

I felt that there was too much exposition in chapter 2: too much necessary information that had to be communicated quickly, rather than permitting the reader to learn it along with the continuity of events. Parts of chapter 2 felt like a textbook on the use of AIM and AIRC and the competition rules that govern their use. Could not the intricacies of points and statistics and training regimes be communicated in future chapters, perhaps during the competition itself when it is most relevant? For the first two chapters, a better approach might be to use the scanning as the background for character development, because that is the inherent strength of the first two chapters, but one which is being submerged by the technical exposition, instead.

This book has potential, but the idea needs refinement and the narration needs to be refocused away from the technical aspects (the plot device) towards the real action - the characters and their interactions. The author will not struggle to do so as they clearly have all the tools they need to write a compelling character drama set against a fascinating and unusual future.

Well done. Plenty of scope for a good novel.

I have noted some typos and other errors which I will send in a separate message.

Hi,

So I have come around to your book, at last. Tonight, I only have time to read chapter one, so that is what I will comment on. Just so you know, these are only my thoughts and opinions, so you are free to ignore anything you don't agree with. :)

A suggestion about the opening:
The second sentence seems long and a little awkward. Perhaps this could inspire a more suitable change: “The young boy left his spot in front of the TV and ran to where his father sat at the kitchen table. He waved his arms, attempting to catch his father's attention.”

'Six-year old' is used a few times and it stands out as repetitive. Maybe you could find some other ways to describe his age. First-grader, for example.

“Contemplating a challenge”. Maybe you could specify 'Scanning challenge', otherwise it's a little vague. I kept thinking, “What challenge is he contemplating?”

I think this would sound better for an ending sentence: 'He would do whatever it took to be the best'. Or, 'No matter what it took, he would be the best.'

Towards the end, the POV switches from L.J.'s to his mother's (when she is thinking about the toddler tantrums).

I found the vow the kid makes comes a little fast, based on the way it's described here. I think in order for it to be more believable, you could take us into his head when he's running around outside looking for his dad, or when he's running from room to room. What is he thinking? How is he feeling? Also, what does the tantrum look like? Tap into his rage so that when he snaps at the end and makes his vow, we are right there with him. I also think the mother could react a little more by showing her grief as well as her acceptance of the dad's leaving. Perhaps she could hint that there is more to the story than what she tells the boy, which he could sense but not fully grasp. This could contribute to his being convinced there really is 'someone at fault.' Her explanations are also totally unsatisfying. I would suggest finding a better explanation, like maybe he left because it was part of his job. Or that he had something important to do (for work) that would take a long time to complete. Or, if you don't want the mom to give too much detail, you could have the boy react to the lack of acceptable explanations, which could induce him to come up with his own explanations. That could also be a great lead-in to his vow.

The Scanning concept is interesting, but from the boy's description alone, I wasn't able to grasp what was so cool about it. Perhaps writing in a clip from the News discussing the game coming to Canada and its significance to the country (or world) would help. Also, the descriptions of the tech were a little vague and I had to stop and re-read or rethink them before I understood them.

Over all, I think you have a nice, easy style of writing. It was also pretty clean, from what I could see. The chapter flows well and ends on a note that piques my curiosity about what's to come. I am looking forward to reading chapter 2.

Dyane
The Purple Morrow

Nichole,

I just read part of your book. I think it is a good start. I have some comments:

1) The long pitch: I know this isn't your primary focus now, but just thought I would comment. I think you need more of a hook to grab the reader. I like the part where you mention the corrupt underground of the sport and secrets being revealed. However, what are the consequences for them finding out these secrets? Will the world blow up? Will someone die? I think we need stakes.

2) The concept of the Scanning game is hard for me to follow. It seems like it is game hunting mixed with a scavenger hunt (??). Again I think you need to give more stakes in the begining to make it more exciting and amp it up a bit. Like Joe Blow the super duper Scanner guy of all time dies in a tragic scanning accident because it is such a hard core sport. Which brings me to...

3) The beginning conversation between the boy and his dad seem a little forced. I know what you are trying to do and that is introduce the game without 5 pages of info dump. I have this problem too. It is hard to introduce concepts in a casual way without "force Feeding" your audience. I just think it needs to be smoothed out a bit. Refer to comment #2 maybe have a News announcer talk about Joe Blow getting injured or die due to Scanning.

4) It was hard for me to visualize what this AI scanner thing looks like and what it is really used for.

Overall I think this is an original concept and is fun. I like how you started chapter 1 it was a great hook. You have great dialog and a good character driven book. Also, all my comment above are just my opinion feel free to ignore. You will be going on my shelf next book shuffle.

Super Harsh Critique Service!

Please remember, this review is as harsh as a steel bristle scourer on poorly made non-stick cookware....

Okay, I tried but could not get past the first few sentences. Call me pedantic, God knows half the world should...

Let me give you some examples from your wok which I wrestled with. I will also show you how I would write them. Again, this is simply personal preference. I do not twilight for the Oxford school of English.

You wrote: 'Hear what Lucas?' the man asked, putting his paper down as his son tugged on his arm.
For me the use of 'the man asked' is pointless as you already have a question mark. It's like a double negative, so therefore I will assume they cancel each other out. This means he never asked a question, merely made a statement.

I would write: 'Hear what, Lucas?' The man put his paper down as his son tugged on his arm.
Again, I don't pretend to be perfect, it's just what I would prefer to read.

You wrote: 'They wanna bring Scanning to Canada! You know what that is, right dad?' Of course he did. His dad was the smartest man in the world.'
To me, this feels clumsy. You give us the thoughts of Lucas, but in a way that doesn't feel right when I read it. At this stage I'm still not sure which point of view I'm getting, the son or father.

I would write: '… You know what that is, right dad?' Lucas asked his question needlessly, for his dad was the smartest man in the world.
Again, probably not perfect, it just makes more sense to me. If we were really clever, we'd move from 'telling' to 'showing'.

You wrote: 'The man picked up the six year old and put him on his knee with a smile.'
I have begun a personal campaign to abolish overuse of the word 'and'. To me it makes sentences ramble, rather than come to a natural conclusion.

I would write: 'The man picked up the six year old, placing him on his knee with a smile.'
Again, this could just be personal perspective from a bitter and twisted example of a human being. I threw a free 'and' in there for you so you can take a shot right back at me. ;)

Finally, I can see your attempts to reduce overuse of words. However, in the opening sentences, it feels strained. We go from 'father' to 'the man' to 'dad'. We go from 'young boy' to 'Lucas' to 'son' to 'six year old'. I see what you're doing and I have to commend you for it. However, in this case it feels strained. I would be quite happy to see some consistent descriptions at this stage.

So unfortunately I couldn't get far at all, so I have to be harsh with my rating. Feel free to shoot me down in flames or agree with me. Let me know if anything changes. If it does, or you convince me that I'm filled with poisonous, unfounded hatred, I will reread and adjust my rating.

Paul.

Super Harsh Critique Service!

Please remember, this review is as harsh as a steel bristle scourer on poorly made non-stick cookware....

Okay, I tried but could not get past the first few sentences. Call me pedantic, God knows half the world should...

Let me give you some examples from your work which I wrestled with. I will also show you how I would write them. Again, this is simply personal preference. I do not twilight for the Oxford school of English.

You wrote: 'Hear what Lucas?' the man asked, putting his paper down as his son tugged on his arm.
For me the use of 'the man asked' is pointless as you already have a question mark. It's like a double negative, so therefore I will assume they cancel each other out. This means he never asked a question, merely made a statement.

I would write: 'Hear what, Lucas?' The man put his paper down as his son tugged on his arm.
Again, I don't pretend to be perfect, it's just what I would prefer to read.

You wrote: 'They wanna bring Scanning to Canada! You know what that is, right dad?' Of course he did. His dad was the smartest man in the world.'
To me, this feels clumsy. You give us the thoughts of Lucas, but in a way that doesn't feel right when I read it. At this stage I'm still not sure which point of view I'm getting, the son or father.

I would write: '… You know what that is, right dad?' Lucas asked his question needlessly, for his dad was the smartest man in the world.
Again, probably not perfect, it just makes more sense to me. If we were really clever, we'd move from 'telling' to 'showing'.

You wrote: 'The man picked up the six year old and put him on his knee with a smile.'
I have begun a personal campaign to abolish overuse of the word 'and'. To me it makes sentences ramble, rather than come to a natural conclusion.

I would write: 'The man picked up the six year old, placing him on his knee with a smile.'
Again, this could just be personal perspective from a bitter and twisted example of a human being. I threw a free 'and' in there for you so you can take a shot right back at me. ;)

Finally, I can see your attempts to reduce overuse of words. However, in the opening sentences, it feels strained. We go from 'father' to 'the man' to 'dad'. We go from 'young boy' to 'Lucas' to 'son' to 'six year old'. I see what you're doing and I have to commend you for it. However, in this case it feels strained. I would be quite happy to see some consistent descriptions at this stage.

So unfortunately I couldn't get far at all, so I have to be harsh with my rating. Feel free to shoot me down in flames or agree with me. Let me know if anything changes. If it does, or you convince me that I'm filled with poisonous, unfounded hatred, I will reread and adjust my rating.

Paul.

I'm never sure about prologues (You don't call it a prologue, but that's what it is, in effect) but I think it works here. I have empathy for the little boy and want to know what is happening, where his daddy is, why he's gone, and that makes me want to turn the page. The effectiveness of that is increased by ominous foreshadowing phrases like "we have to finish what we started", too. And having LJ (and LJ is a cute name for a little boy) explain what's going on to his dad is an effective way into the subject (I was still a bit confused, but I don't read sci fi, so I wouldn't worry about that!)
One tiny nit in first paragraph (I'm a big fan of getting first paragraphs just right!) - I would delete "as he ran" the second time, since you've already said he's running. Also something you could improve maybe - you've said his dad was his hero, could you show us that a little more somehow? I know he runs to him to share the news and that shows it a bit but then we also see the dad looking at his watch (v realistic, but also doesn't show lots of affection - can you show a bit more?). scanning by the way is an interesting concept and I like it - it's sort of a believable kind of sci fi, if you know what I mean!

SF 42

Hi Nichole,
I read three chapters, then scanned a couple more looking for the action to start. I didn't find it yet, and that ends up being my critique. I think you have a good SF premise here with the idea of scanning animals for their genetic code, and presumably using that data to construct the AI morphs. Your handling of dialog and the interpersonal stuff is fine. But for my taste the technical stuff is altogether too sketchy so far. There is a smattering in chapter 1 (which really turns out to be a prologue of sorts), just enough to be a teaser for more to come. Then we jump ahead to when (presumably) little LJ is all grown up and a top competitor in the sport of scanning. Ah, the reader thinks, now we will get a taste of what this scanning is all about.
But you let me down. Instead, we are treated to several chapters of bickering among the teammates. Don't get me wrong, this stuff is all okay for what it is. But if you had actually described the training session that led to the team captain's heart attack, explaining in good technical detail how the adult version of Scanning is played, and how the AI's are used. I would be much happier to read about the team crisis that follows.
And another thing. Where is little LJ now? At the end of Chapter 1 you seem to have made a point of spelling out his full name as Lucas Cameron Tyler, so I can only assume that Cam is his grown-up version. If that's right, I am disappointed that the lovable little boy has grown up to be such a jerk.
Lastly, LJ's father, Lucas senior, who seemed genuinely fond of his son, apparently abandoned him without a word. I suppose this is meant to explain Cam's bad attitude, but none of this is obvious.
Unless this is a sequel to an earlier story where the background that makes sense of all this has already been set up, I think you need to give the reader a little better handle on what is going on behind the scenes.

I see that Gareth gave you a review months ago in which he noted that your interest seems to be driven more by the relationships between the players than in describing the sport itself. If that is true, I think it is all the more reason why you need to establish a strong sense of what the sport is about very early, so the reader can then fill in the missing details later from his imagination, based on his prior understanding, instead of it all remaining a mystery.

I hope this is the kind of comment you are looking for.

Jim

Crit it forward thread.

Hi, Nichole,
I read chapter one and the first thing I noticed was a fair amount of head-hopping. In the first two paragraphs we are in junior's head, in the third paragraph we are in senior's head, and then in the fourth paragraph we are back in junior's head. Then later, when his mother arrives on scene, you do it again, from junior to her and back again. I found this rather confusing, and it distracted me enough to lose sight of the storyline.
When mother breaks the news of his father's leaving, she might as well have written it on a baseball bat and hit him in the face with it. Surely any mother would soften such an emotional blow to her child? Take him (metaphorically speaking) to one side, calm him, hold him, get his full attention, get his mind on some kind of understanding of what she is about to tell him.
I think if you can sort out the head-hopping, and the scene where mother tells son of his father's departure, you will have a much harder-hitting first chapter. But as it stands at the moment, those two elements have stopped me reading more of this, it may also stop others, especially editors/publishers, because, in all reality, they are your first target audience.

Good luck, Nichole, and if you make those changes, please let me know and i will go over this again for you.

Lisa. x

SF42

Hi Nichole,

I read the first four chapters and really liked the character-driven nature of your story. Others have commented on the dialogue and on the whole the barbed banter between the players works well. The science-fiction aspect - the AI creatures - is intriguing, though I couldn't decide if they were flesh-and-blood animals, mechanical devices or something in between. In particular, I'd like to make the following comments:

1. The names given to the technology sound odd - perhaps a genetic scanner would be known as a GenScan or something similar rather than an AIRC (I accept that the device in question does more than that);
2. The boy in chapter one is referred to as L.J. but his name is Lucas Cameron Tyler - did I miss something?;
3. As others have commented, Asimov's three laws only apply to humans;
4. Cam's arrogance came across really well;
5. Chapter three - 'resigning their contract' actually means they quit their contract (as in resign from a job) - I assume you mean 'signing a new contract';
6. Later in the same chapter, Ryan saying, "I'm not looking at being part of this team forever," seems an odd way to ingratiate himself with his new team mates; and
7. I thought the scene where Ryan met Marie for the first time was particularly effective.

More generally, the text could be tightened considerably and made to flow better in places, for example in chapter four, Cam says, "...we don't need much help with the challenges [...] eventually we will need your help with the challenges...". You also often explain something that doesn't need to be explained as it is inferred through dialogue. On the whole I thought the narrative was well thought out. Good luck with it!

Steph (Hollow Moon).

Hi, Nicole.
I'm in your BHCG group and just read your first chapter. Lucas's interest in this sport and his natural ability in the area come through. The father's walking out on the family was also unexpected, which is good in my opinion. That should make your readers more impacted by what the father has down. I agree with the comment below that it would be beneficial to stay in one character's mind. In order for your readers to sympathize with Lucas, maybe you should stay in his mind. Lucas's verbal "habits" were a bit of a turnoff for me. You might want to tone those down, but that's just my opinion. Also, I thought some of his vocabulary was not realistic for a six-year-old (that part where he was talking about bar codes and such).
Thanks for posting your work. I saw from your profile that you're busy, but if you have time, please check out the first chapter of my own novel, Leave Me Asking. Best of luck with your work.
Jonie

Terrific ideas and some good writing. Hang on in there...

a BHCG review. Please bear in mind this is entirely personal opinion and you can feel free to ignore me (most people in the real world do!)
I’ve wanted to read this for some time, since you posted on the faux agents thread. I’m still interested in the idea of the story, but I’m finding the reading very dense. Lots of descriptions of minutiae that slow the pace. I’ve read 8 chapters and know very little about either the sport of Scanning or the characters involved (only just revealing at the end that Cam and Maria have a past). It’s tricky because you’ve invented an entirely new sport and are having to describe it to the reader without making it obvious that’s what you’re doing, but you need something to explain it all.
Pitches: Your SP didn’t grab me - saying “a sport” doesn’t actually tell me anything. Your LP also wasn’t clear and there were several very long sentences.
C1: “the man spoke before he stared at the little boy” - this doesn’t make much sense to me. The following sentence also threw me: “while the man had taken his eyes from the child”. You know what you mean - I don’t. You refer to the dad as “the father” at one point - who’s POV is this from? He’s either Dad or Lucas Senior. And the first time you use Golden Retriever you have Caps; the second time it’s lower case. I was left confused about what the hell was going on and, as an agent, I probably wouldn’t have read further.
C2: Are the teams Revolution or the Revolution etc? I would, personally, stick to Revolution and forget the “the” altogether, unless there’s a specific reason for it. “good expecting father” - doesn’t read right to me. Expectant, perhaps? I don’t like the last sentence of this chapter as it seems to contradict the whole of the final paragraph.
C3: Are they resigning the contract or re-signing it? You say there are three options for them to consider, but only name two of them. Ryan’s age is given firstly as 21, then Rick says he’s 20.
C4: A lot of description of things going on, but nothing actually happens in my view.
C5: Mostly typos and similar issues: “just how large of a fan base” - lose the “of”. “his eyes slid towards Cam” - should be “slide”. “Maria wasn’t concerned with that they had to say about her” - “that” should be “what”. “early contestant attempting challenges” - should be “contestants”. “slipping on his shoes again and escorted Maria” - either “slipped” or “escorting”. On the dancefloor - “They came to a stop, standing there as people started to mill around until the beat of the next song could be figured out by those who actually wanted to dance.” - I know what you mean, but it’s excessively wordy and took me several attempts to work out its meaning.
You alternate between ok and okay throughout. Pick one and stick with it.
C6: “She shoved the last pile of clothes into her duffle bag, zipping it up and threw it to the ground” - should be “zipped” to keep the tense. “almost pleading with him” the “almost” weakens the sentence.
I got very confused about who was driving the car and who was driving the van. If you have Cam saying he wants to drive the car, you need a clear explanation as to why he ends up driving the truck. If it’s not vital to the story, lose this whole bit because it’s unnecessarily confusing. “long enough to see a ring-billed gull though” - lose the “though”. “fumble with her key before getting it under control, got her door open and slammed it behind her” - tenses felt a bit awry.
C7: They’re on the river, but Maria is talking about liking being back in the city. And then she refers to it as a small town.
Plot & Pacing: slow. Characters: I know Cam is an arrogant so-and-so but that’s about it. POV: you jump around a LOT and this doesn’t help the story flow any better. Style: I found it a struggle to get through all the minutiae. Grammar: not too bad, but just watch areas where you switch tense. There were several points where I wasn’t keen on the phrasing you used, but figure it’s a UK/US thing. Dialogue: didn’t notice anything massively wrong with it. Originality: hard to say as I don’t read a lot of sci-fi. Publishability: in its current form, I would say no. If you’re selling this based on inter-character relationships, we need to get much more characterisation. If you’re selling this based on sci-fi then we need to know a lot more about AIMs and what the tournament is about
Sorry if that’s not the review you were hoping for, but part of my nature is that I am honest at all times. I love the idea, but the writing is too dense for me and I want to know more about the people and the event.

Hi there Nichole,

The father and son dialogue which you opened with was very realistic and I'll give you ten out of ten for building their characters exceptionally quickly. You were straight into the story. Yes, I remember from your pitch in the PITCH ME thread in the ON WRITING forum that the story is about an invented sport, and I was well impressed the way you introduced it to the readers.

Your writing is near perfect, but for one small slip and which is probably the one reason you're losing some of your readers in the early parts. Head-hopping isn't a fatal flaw, but weakens the pov. You slipped from the boy to the father and back again in the first few paras which dragged me out of the little one's head. Stick to one or the others thoughts, feelings and actions and you'll have it made. If you want to swap – start another scene. It'll keep the reader with you on a closer level.

Good luck with your book. You really are top notch and a very natural writer.

Hi Nichole

I'm not keen on sport and I certainly wouldn't usually real a story about sport, but this sounds interesting. My notes, few as they are, are:

At the start, referring to the father as 'the man' several times makes him seem distant. He is the father; 'the man' just doesn't convey the sense of closeness. Perhaps you could call him 'Dad' - use it like you would a name.

There are quite a lot of contractions outside of dialogue and thought.

The father says 'stay in the bush' - should that be brush? That is what you say the next time.

I was unclear who was in the hospital bed, Cam or Rick - took until you actually bring Owen into it for me to realise neither of them were. Perhaps you could mention that - perhaps have their arguing whispered back and forth over their father.

I would have liked to know more about the AIMs, and their shape-shifting. Are they acually artificial intelligence, though, if they have to be controlled by remotes?

I'm not sure what else I can say. A part of me wonders if this story would be more interesting if we saw it all from LJ's seven year old perspective, but obviously I haven't read the whole lot, so I certainly can't say that it would be.

Good luck with this :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

SF42
Nichole - I've read the revised chapters 2 to 5 (inclusive).

First comment - much better. I'm tuning more into what this story is about. It's not so much about the new sport as the relationships between the team members. The writing's good and the dialogue sounds believable. I confess I'm not your target audience. I'm eager for something more interesting to come out of the sport rather than the relationships between the characters. However, I can see you've created some strong characters and I'm certain there are lots of readers who will enjoy this book. I'd be interested to know what Jake (our Founding Father) thinks.

I scribbled a few comments down. As usual they're hardly worth the paper they're written on. Nevertheless here they are -

1. Not sure Asimov's laws extended to deer. I think it was just humans.
2. It doesn't seem to be a spectator sport. Why is it so popular with the public. They must be able to see what's going on in some way? Maybe the team have head cams or something. Maybe worth explaining that.
3. AIM animals could be described a bit more. The original chapters told me they were organically created but I don't think you've retained that explanation. I could be wrong. AIM's take English instruction through the AIRC, right?
4. Chapter 2 gets stuck into the actual sport for a bit. I like that, but personally I need more.
5. Still don't understand why there's even a debate about replacing poor old Owen. It seems obvious to me. 3 people's scan potential is only 3/4 of a 4 person team.
6. It's a bit tight having to provide your own AIRC.
7. Chapter 3's team politics got a bit dull for me.
8. Excellent start to chapter 4. This is the best chapter so far. I particularly like the introduction of the protesters and the idea that AI animals have rights. I like that and hope it develops. The slanging match between Maria and the protester is a good way of getting the message across.
9. You want me to be honest don't you? I don't like chapter 5. But that might be because I'm a bloke and I like blokey things. The writing didn't seem as good in the first few paragraphs of the chapter. You fooled me. I was getting ready for them all to start playing this sport; the announcer introduced the teams and I was ready for the starting pistol to fire. Instead, they all went home and prepared for some soppy party. That depressed me a lot.

That's it. The changes make it a lot better. I'm really hoping that we get into the drama of the sport quite soon. I'd be delighted if something goes horribly wrong and the protesters turn the AIMs on the team and hunt them across a vast wilderness. You've built good characters, now I'd like to see how they perform under extreme pressure.

Gareth

A BHCG review

I enjoy Sci Fi and the pitch does enough for me to read on. Please take my comments as constructive feedback.

C1

‘Door’ used twice in one sentence.
‘Morpher his father HAD GIVEN him for his birthday months ago’
‘But of course, this is kept between us.’ This reads clunky. I don’t think you need the comma either.
Lucas Snr seems suddenly very knowledgeable about the sport compared to the beginning of the chapter.
Typo ‘…and ran around the farm HOUR calling for his father.’
Avoid the LY adverbs. e.g. tightly. You don’t do it often.
The paragraph beginning ‘Rick just rolled his eyes’ isn’t clear, especially the business with the wrinkles. I know what you are trying to say but it I needed a number of re-reads to catch it. ‘Obviously’ and ‘not overly’ seem superfluous.
‘almost sarcastically’ – I don’t think you need this.

Don’t over describe actions. Find another way to show us the character. (e.g. ‘half shrug- off with the hand’)

Maria’s hair. Purple or brown or both?

Very good dialogue throughout. I loved the boys description of the new sport in Chapter 1, and the father – son chat is good as well.
Don’t like the line beginning ‘I’m recovering from …’ Clunky.
‘Rick grew silent for a moment’. Nit picky I know but ‘grew’ suggests a slow build up, ‘moment’ suggests an instant. Both at odds with each other.
Try to rewrite or edit down the hospital entrance scene. ‘Light/s’ get repeated a lot.
‘He and Brittany had being trying…’ should it read ‘He and Brittany had been trying…’

I would suggest you try reading your text aloud to yourself. Try it with the big paragraph at the end. Lots of important strands but it’s hard to read.

C3
I like the bit of humour at the beginning, being ‘The Revolution are here to see you.’

I would cut back on most of the clothes description as the three members of the team enter.
‘…a nice ponytail’. Subjective and not useful narrative unless the narrator is a character in themselves.
I get accused a lot of writing a film and I think you are suffering the same. It’s not easy. Detail useful in a script are pointless in a book. I don’t care about the details of the age mix or seating positions. Give a quick broad brush sketch of who is there and then quickly settle on the important characters and some clear, important details about them. Unless you are going to get in behind their eyes and give us their p.o.v. then avoid judging statements like ‘not quite as active s he would have liked’.

‘Hi,’ Maria chimed…parargraph. Ouch! All this detail and rehash about Cam is not needed, not after what we saw in the hospital.

I think you really have a huge amount of detail in your head about each character. This is a real skill and one I envy however you must pick and choose when and where to tell us these details, if at all. Franks deferring to Jim but being able to act himself is more detail that is killing the drama of the chapter.

We know Cam has been silent so far, no need to let us know before he talks.

I like how details, made familiar in the opening chapter, are appearing in the discussion.

Overview:
The pitch detail for the book offers a lot of drama and on the whole the first chapter delivers.
I’m not keen on young Lucas’ info dump although it’s nicely written. There’s also a terrible lack of jeopardy to the game he describes. It sounds slightly limp.
After the sad and well written departure of the father the following chapter is a bit flat. Two people wandering around the hospital is dull and it’s hard to care for poor Owen’s health when we know so little about him.
The third chapter needs a good edit. It’s natural that the sponsors would want to know what’s going on but you drown the important information with superfluous details. There is a real chance to educate the reader about the game some more and to some extent you do.
It might be useful to lead into the opening chapter by making the game the scene of Owen’s collapse. A pre season training session that goes wrong perhaps. That way you get a chance to show what the game is now, big money business, dangerous, vastly updated since Lucas’ description and show the team at work. This would give the reader some sharp relief from the other side of the team i.e. the scenes in the hospital where ego, concerns, fatigue etc are on display once the adrenalin is stale. Just a suggestion.

So overall I think this needs a good edit and an injection of jeopardy and context to help the drama and reader. Show us a little of Canada in the future; coins in malfunctioning vending machines doesn’t lift the story out of today. Do that and I think you have a story that could work. The writing in Chapter One is almost there, a little tweak in places and you have a template for the rest.

Best of luck with it.

this reminds me of a sort of "Rollerball" idea, crossed with "Extreme Ironing" or "Planking" on the Internet.

The game itself doesn't seem interesting enough to hold the story together, nor does it seem to be a mocking, ironic or satirical novel, but instead tries to hang a decent enough story on an idea that wont take it.

If it was about motoracing, or an updated and lethal version of computer games, or paintballing, (or something like Rollerball) in a futuristic dystopia, it might make more sense, but at the moment the idea doesn't seem strong enough to hold the writing together.

Hello Nichole:

I started reading the first few chapters of Revealing the Revolution. Since you have asked for a critique, I will share some of my impressions...

I think that there is a naturally gifted writer in you which is bursting to come out. Revealing the Revolution was probably a beneficial exercise to begin developing that talent, but the subject matter simply is not compelling enough to build a novel. I'm just not captivated by the plot. For me, there are admittedly some biases at play: First of all, I am not a fan of reality shows at all, and this novel seems to promote and/or perpetuate the exaggerated sense of significance which I think most reality shows tend to project; and second, I am no more a sports fan than I am a fan of reality shows, for the very same reason. ESPN Sportscenter banter simply makes me want to change the channel as fast as humanly possible.

Might I suggest that you consider writing a novel which incorporates your background in Middle Eastern/biblical archaeology? You could go in so many directions with that subject matter and I think you could very easily build a story that would demand readers' attention with minimal effort, especially because you yourself would be writing about something about which you are personally passionate.

Just a thought. Keep writing!

James Revoir

Hello Nichole:

I started reading the first few chapters of Revealing the Revolution. Since you have asked for a critique, I will share some of my impressions...

I think that there is a naturally gifted writer in you which is bursting to come out. Revealing the Revolution was probably a beneficial exercise to begin developing that talent, but the subject matter simply is not compelling enough to build a novel. I'm just not captivated by the plot. For me, there are admittedly some biases at play: First of all, I am not a fan of reality shows at all, and this novel seems to promote and/or perpetuate the exaggerated sense of significance which I think most reality shows tend to project; and second, I am no more a sports fan than I am a fan of reality shows, for the very same reason. ESPN Sportscenter banter simply makes me want to change the channel as fast as humanly possible.

Might I suggest that you consider writing a novel which incorporates your background in Middle Eastern/biblical archaeology? You could go in so many directions with that subject matter and I think you could very easily build a story that would demand readers' attention with minimal effort, especially because you yourself would be writing about something about which you are personally passionate.

Just a thought. Keep writing!

James Revoir

SF42

Nichole - Read the updated chapter 1, plus 2 & 3.

Chapter 1 - This has improved. Early involvement in the scanning sport helps us to understand the idea much better. Might be worth clarifying the difference between an AIM and an AIRC. Early in the chapter Cam is using the AIM device as a barcode type scanner but isn't it the AIM the artificially created labrador?

Chapter 2 - My reaction to this chapter was that it could be pruned somewhat. The things I learnt were - One of the CST team is in hospital after a heart attack and Brittany's pregnant. It might be worth finding someone with no knowledge of your story and read the first half of chapter 2 to them. Then ask them questions to find out what they understood.

Chapter 3 - I know I'm a right boring git but it's the same comment as before. The only thing I really learnt was that the bloke who had the heart attack is going to be replaced by Ryan Hampton. I'd seriously consider hacking out stuff that doesn't push the story forward.
It did strike me that they didn't seem to have a good team substitution system. What happens if they all have flu on a tournament day? For a four man team I'd expect a squad of at least twelve to select from.

I'm afraid I've not been very helpful.

Gareth

Nicole - the return BHCG read. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish. I should add sci-fi is not my usual genre.

The synopsis needs reviewing as the long one in particular didn't make sense to me.

Opening. After a slowish start the doppelganger spider intrigued me, not always easy with sci-fi. But prior to that I felt something lacking with the scene. The opening with 'a young lady haunched'.... doesn't portray the reality that they are colleagues and left a disconnect for me. Then the repeat of prepare 43-6H for a test, 'it' would be sufficient as it's the object of the discussion. The actual test with the tissue didn't work for me so the spider's 'appearance' was needed to keep me reading.

The arrival of Trevor and his explanation did not really leave me empathising with Dr Henk and his dramatic collapse sobbing. Perhaps because I'm not totally hooked by the story I find I'm reading more closely. The suggestion of deleting an entire section of speech from your mind didnt work - just skip to the weightier section.

The AIM with the dog changing to a racoon loses me. I'm not a sci-fiperson as I said and am afraid the physics takes over for me, with mass and atoms. After that point because I'm not understanding the background to AIM by the time the TV arrives with Henk's reappearance I'm not with this. Apologies. Steve.

SF42 reviewer here.

I have to say I've just finished chapter 3 and I'm finding it fairly heavy going. It's fairly well written, despite occasional strange punctuation and tenses (you also repeat sentences in a couple of places, on chapter 3 most noticably with 'I dont think you want her on the team'.

Other issues I've noticed-
- way too many characters. You seem to name the vast majority of characters, which makes it very difficult to keep track of. You also don't name certain characters quickly enough- 'an old man, a middle aged man' etc, makes it very difficult to pin all these names to the people, and then they vanish again. This swamps the characters like Henk, Cam and the other team members, who I assume we're supposed to care about. The teammate selection section is far too long for this too- we hear all this exposition and backstory on Eric and the girl, and the pace slows to a crawl. If they don't come back into the story that's wasting the readers time slightly.

- There is a LOT of telling, not showing, especially of backstory and emotion. There is way too much of this especially in chapter 3. Show us what the characters are feeling through what they say, or keep it to the bare minimum, I'm sorry but wading through history lessons on the characters is killing the flow of your prose.

- Can I ask how old the characters are? Because when we first meet them I really got the feeling they were far younger than I think they actually are. I thought initially they were late teens, early twenties max. They seem very immature for the thirtysomethings I assume they now are. I'm also confused as to the age because you say that Rick is 29, and I assumed Maria was the same age (not sure how but I definitely go tthat impression). When they're trashing Eric for being too young Jim tells them Rick and Maria were only 19 when they started, and Maria is only 22 now; this confused me, it doesn't seem consistent and also makes your main characters seem a bit dickish if they're making that big an issue of Eric's age when Maria is only three years older than him.

-Your acronyms for me are very difficult to follow. The meanings are swamped in all the blocks of prose, and it's genuinely confusing.

- The last point is the sport... to be brutally honest, the sport just doesn't work. You don't explain it enough, and what you do actually communicate to the reader about it makes it seem really uninteresting. You've got this miracle new product that can essentially clone animals being discovered at the start, and the shadowy corporation wants to use it to create a big complicated version of supermarket sweep? To me it really doesn't make any sense. Futuresports in a novel should be easy to understand, and you need to explain it right from the get go- Trevor's explanation of it made CST seem really boring. The popularity it apparently obtains in the meantime is baffling... at no point do you explain why it's so popular. Readers will decide if they want to read on in less time than the first 3 chapters, and I struggled to keep reading because nothing sounded interesting.

I think, if you have an idea of the actual game and it's actually exciting, you should get a game in at the start and actually communicate this to the reader. If I'm brutally honest, as it is your story is drowning in overdescription, too many background characters and not enough characterisation for the lead. Plus Cam just doesn't come off at all sympathetic. Even if he is meant to be a dick youve got to make the reader care about him somehow.

All in all I think it has some promise but tbh I think it really need some work. I'm not convinced the whole bit in the labs really works if it's going to be about the sport, and I think you need to do some heavy trimming as your description and backstory-heavy paragraphs are swamping and stifling the story. You could do with cutting the number of characters in half too as it's information overload at the moment.

Most importantly- you need to make your 'sport' fun- at the moment it doesn't sound the least bit enjoyable whatsoever and that's not going to do well for the book.

SF42
I'm familiarising myself with the OP on the SF42 group list. I've read the first chapter. I don't intend to read further at the moment but I will return in the future.

It think the most important thing for you to do is to read this chapter out loud to someone and carefully assess each line to make sure you're happy it sounds right. Believe me, I'm no expert but even I can spot sentences that don't work, tense problems, punctuation issues.

There's a lot of strong ideas you're attempting to convey and they sound interesting, but at times it feels like you're working from a collection of notes and attempting to force into the dialogue. Trevor's plan to create a new sport is a good example. I think the idea is to scan as many animals as possible in the fastest time possible but I'm not really sure. I've no doubt that the mechanics of the sport are explained later but the initial description didn't really grab me.

I'd like to have reached the end of the chapter having some feelings about some of the characters. Presumably I should hate Trevor. Should I feel sorry for Henk because Trevor left him sobbing? Do you want me to feel anything about Lorenzo or Bryan? It may be an idea to strengthen some of these people.

This novel could end up being a really good read but at the moment the start doesn't really do it for me.

Having said all that, I am really interested in your other book 'Redefining the Holy Land'. The passion shines through in your pitch for that one.

Gareth

SF42 review
This is a most curious story, and I’m not too sure what to make of it. I’ll give you my thoughts, in case they are of any use to you, but they’re just personal reactions – and I’m certainly no expert. There were a few things I didn’t get, but then I may not be the sharpest tool in the box.
The first chapter describes a new scientific discovery which is hijacked by the guy in charge of the institute and developed further. It becomes the basis of a new sport which sweeps the US and into Canada. Ch.2 jumps 10 years into the future, with the sport well established, and introduces us to one of Canada’s top teams, and the difficulties they face for the coming season. Ch.3 continues the theme of the team’s composition for the new season.
There were several things that worried me about this. The first is the nature and handling of the scientific discovery itself – but more of that later. The second was the Scanning sport. And thirdly, I thought the story was missing something to hook the reader into reading more.
Dr Lorenzo’s demo to the businessmen in Ch.1 clearly impresses them, but there’s no discussion by them of what these AIM thingies could be for used for. My initial guess was that they’d be marketed as exotic pets. But this doesn’t seem to be right. Instead, they’re to form the basis of some bizarre new sport.
I didn’t understand the concept of this sport at all. Trevor provides an outline in Ch.1, but I didn’t get a clear idea of what it involves. Where does the skill come in, how is it scored, in what way is it exciting? Why does it capture the peoples’ imagination and sweep around the world?
In Ch.2 we see Owen et al discussing the sport – but still we have no feeling for what the sport actually is and how it is played. In fact, I felt this chapter could be cut a little. It introduced the book’s main players, but seemed to take a long time doing so.
One suggestion I would make would be to give us a feel of the sport before we meet the team. Maybe describe their last winning game from the previous season. Show the energy of the game, the excitement of the play and the dynamics within the team.
A couple of minor things.
I agree with other reviewers that the first chapter could be split into two. And Ch.3 could be split, too (and/or shortened greatly).
I thought that all the business with the first names at the very start of Ch.1 wasn’t really necessary, and just slowed things down. Get to the discovery faster.
Henk’s reaction to having his research taken away didn’t ring true to me. I would have thought a more natural reaction would one of anger and protest at the injustice, rather than mute acceptance and sobbing.
Now for the science part. The properties of the ‘white gelatin’ are truly remarkable – and a little difficult to swallow. I couldn’t see how it could instantaneously convert a genetic code into a living, breathing, perfectly formed animal. Perhaps you need to try justifying this a little better: you could say the process is one of cloning - ie cells from the ‘touched’ organism are multiplied within the gel which acts like some sort of universal womb or egg sac to allow the cells to multiply and develop into a complete organism. You’d still have the problem of time, though. Cellular processes can only occur at a certain maximum rate – so you need to explain how you get a fully-formed adult popping out within seconds (with all the right neural connections to allow it to function within the environment it finds itself in!). Also, what’s the energy input for this process? Of course, as a reader, I could suspend disbelief and just accept it all. :-)
I’m curious to learn why the process doesn’t work with human cells – which are, basically, no different, in terms of architecture and components, than other animal cells ... (Is this the ‘subtle hint’ you mentioned in one of your forum posts?)
I spotted a few typos. Ch.1: “every different specie” should be “every different species”. Ch.3 “to spurn him on” should be “to spur him on”.
After all that, I still don’t know what to make of this story. I guess the consensus here it that it needs a little reworking. I wish you luck with it.

Just read your first chapter and I found the concept of your story to be very original.

I think this was a very ambitous first chapter. It might serve you better to spread some of the activity out into multiple chapters. For instance, you begin with the initial discovery and Henk's loss of his research. I think that alone could be a successful first chapter. That way you could adjust the pace, give us a better sense of where, when and why this is taking place. It would also give you some space to flesh out the relationship between Henk and Sandra and clarify how I should feel about Trevor McCarthy. I'm not sure I get to know them well enough to be drawn in.

I think the second half of your first chapter, four years later, has enough substance to be chapter two. Again, it might not feel quite as rushed and you could lend some detail to the demonstration, tell us how the world has changed, and give more info as to why we again see Mr. McCarthy. Also, reintroducing Henk at the end could parallel his prior loss.

Hope you don't mind me taking the liberty to comment on the structure of your first chapter. I did enjoy the read and think you have the makings of a good story.

Tanya

REVEALING THE REVOLUTION

a BHCG review

COVER: Please contact me if you'd like something beyond the sites generics:
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/51100/free-book-cover-/

TITLE: A little...nondescript for me but not bad

SHORT PITCH: ditto to the title...
LONG PITCH: wow, I really have no idea what this is about heh. Its sort of like reading -

Digging the Donut: a new baked good that everyone wants is made available. Its somewhat like a donut. I won't tell you what the baked good is exactly but everyone wants to eat it. Four bakers have a bake off to make it, testing their ovens and non-stick spray but will they still want to open the bakery at the end? Their lives will hang in the balance, their hair may fall out. Do you want to eat one? Come on, don't you want to eat one?

heh.

sorry...

When you refine it to be more descriptive with actual non-vague items...you might also cut it into short punchy paragraphs. but yes, this is all just me and who am I and why listen to me anyway!

TEXT:

Prologues always make me just want to skip to chapter one. Just a taste thing that others sometimes don't mind so feel free to ignore the link coming but I am surprised how many I find here but how few I find in the bookstores.

http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2010/02/why-prologues-often-dont-work.html
the comment section has some good points as well.
and well, yikes. that is an INCREDIBLY LONG prologue. sorry!

and then we get to the end of it where Scanning sport is finally mentioned but not really explained again.
Was the prologue to merely set up what the mimicking technology was and explain how others stole it or what have you? hm...sorry...but it felt like a lot of reading for little payoff... not that it was bad necessarily I'm interested in the tech. Smart material is the way of the future and with nanotech who knows how it'll all eventually play out. have you read Michio Kaku's latest book?

chpt1
all the way and still no idea what this team is and why I should care if he's had a heart attack if I don't know what the big deal is with this sport? I mean you do a decent job of setting his story up if its NOT going to be about the sport but your pitch would suggest it is? Shouldn't I be excited about this new sport by the end of the first chapter?
chp2
what kind of tin man have you written here? so much going on and not much happening? Is it a study of some sort? hm.
heh.
well, I wish you the best with this...sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

-=Bradley
ps so before I hit submit I went to read what others have said/made of it and I can see they're pretty much of the same mindset as me...well, Evie is anyway. cut it back...keep only the necessary...seek to refine for clarity. heh. nope, still no help from me. Sorry.

Hiya Nichole and Ben and welcome both. You have a good idea and theme here but I do think the book could do with a bit of an edit. For instance, at one point in the prologue you have a sentence 'Henk shook his head, indicating no.' You could just say Henk shook his head (which usually means no anyway). The prologue is a bit long and technically involved but nothing that really deterred me - your writing style is clear and concise. There's something about this story that makes me think that, with a bit of work, you could very well be onto a winner. The effects of genetic engineering and cloning will probably have a huge effect on the sporting world of the future.
Kat xx

BHCG Review

Hi Nichole

I wanted to like your book, but I didn't. The idea is appealing, but you have serious work to do if you want to sell it to me. However, I am only one person and other people's mileage could easily vary. Feel free to ignore my comments if you don't find them helpful.

I read your prologue and half the first chapter. I'm afraid I'd lost patience by then. I did start to write a formal BHCG review in the approved template style, but I quickly realised that I was saying the same thing over and over again, so I'm going to try to summarize my comments.

You need to cut perhaps as much as 50% of this before it would be publishable. You're suffocating your plot and your characters under the sheer weight of all your words. You're not Proust or Tolstoy, and you're not writing for their readership. You're writing the sort of thing Stallone or Willis might want to star in. You need to write accordingly.

There is good pace, generally, in your dialogue so I'm sure you can improve this book, but right now, overall, your pacing is slow as molasses. Your prose is often turgid and you take far too long to get to the point.

Your prologue, for example, is far too detailed in description. Far too slow moving. Far too long. You could improve this dramatically, I think, by taking a machete to sentences like" "Over the next few hours both Henk and Sandra ran numerous experiments in order that they might better understand what was taking place." What's wrong, for example, with simply saying: "They ran numerous experiments." Most readers already know why scientists do experiments. They can deduce this will have taken time. In fact you actually show this when you mention the time when they stop.

Similarly the line about adjusting the goggles covering her eyes. Where else would goggles be? Perhaps you'd need to explain if she was adjusting the goggle she wore over her nipples, but otherwise this is just TMI. In fact, why even mention the goggles? This is the start of your book. You open with the possibility of an exciting discovery, but then you take about a dozen paragraphs to get your expert to the point where he can confirm there might be something there after all. And why? To provide colour and to establish a cliched relationship between teacher and student. I found this frustrating. As you may be able to tell :) And I think you can establish the same things with shorthand and signposts.

Everywhere I look, I see sentence constructions I want to obliterate. I shan't overstay my welcome and list them all. Just offer the recommendation that you read your work out loud and make notes. I imagine you'll find huge chunks of text you can remove without make any substantive difference to your story. I think you'll also discover just how convoluted and awkward much of this current draft is. If you make it difficult for a reader to read, she simply won't.

You may also find some words that become signposts to bad writing. One that has lingered in my mind is "ultimately". I can only recall two examples right now, but I'm prepared to bet that if you search your draft for this word you'll find it's a short cut to sentences that almost always need rewriting.

I'm sorry this review is so brutal. But it's honest. And I sincerely hope it will help. Please let me know if and when you post an edited version and I'll be happy to take another look.

Evie

I read and enjoyed the prologue, which sets up the story nicely. I thought the formality between Dr Baxter and Ms Rodriguez was delightful and well-written. Trevor McCarthy was a nice contrast, informal, controlling and business-like. I did wonder if the transformation process was a bit quick, it seemed to be instantaneous, but then I'm no scientist, and this is science fiction. I also thought the prologue a tad too long, but that's just my own personal taste. A good edit would possibly help trim the word count. I did like the I, Robot reference. A very interesting concept, on my WL for further reading and well-starred. Good luck with this.

I set out to critique your book after seeing a forum thread. I prepared a critique but now see thet 'Al' has said almost all the things I would have mentioned. Forgive me if I repeat any of his excellent comments.
You are certainly productive! Do you write alternating chapters as the style does seem to change? I am very honest in my reviews, (as I hope people are when they review my boook) not wishing to discourage but to give a true opinion. There is no point in empty flattery, though there is a lot of it on this site, usually in an effort to get a return read and comment and possible backing. So here goes.
Your chapters are way too long. I began to flag a bit after a while. In my opinion you will lose readers unless you chop it up a bit. To be fair to you, this is not my genre so there may be others for whom all the accounts of the scientific experiments will be riveting. I just found it too detailed.
I skipped to further on in the book (chapter 4) and found it better. The dialogue was good, the characters seemed well drawn and the story flowed along . But, again, for me, it was very, very detailed and the chapter was too long. Maybe you could try condensing it in some way.
I think the idea for the book is original and interestiing. But you do need to capture your readers and bring them along with you, without them having to wade through so much detail.
In places your writing is good, in others it isn't so.
Chapter 1 (the only one I have read and critiqued).
I think it should be that 'his interest was piqued' (not peaked) but this may be used in this way in the USA.
If only two people are speaking, there is no need to keep repeating names. I know you were making a point about the relationship between the two of them but it was bit irritating after a while. Also there is no need to write 'Sandra said' etc as we know that she is speaking.
'Wasn't at all paying attention' would read better as 'Wasn't paying attention at all'.
'His eyes were furiously darting over the paper in his head (hand?) growing bigger every minute'. The paper was growing bigger? Then you say. 'His eyes finally darted towards Sandra.' So, a repeat of 'darting'. Try to find another word.
'careful so as not to drop it'. may be better to lose the 'so as'?
'curious with the procefure' 'curious of the procedure'.
'To his avail, nothing took place.' 'to no avail.'
'Starring' 'staring.'
Now here is the sentence that decided me that I really couldn't go on.
'unbelieving of what they had just saw.'
If you are serious about getting published, and I believe that the idea is good enough and original enough for you to make the effort, please consider a major edit, taking notice of comments you receive on here.
Sorry if this is negative. It is meant to be constructive and helpful. I hope you can accept it in that spirit and good luck with the book.

I read your prologue.

General comments: A captivating start. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) "Hence the doctor," Sandra chuckled. Period after 'doctor.' You can't 'chuckle' dialogue.
2) "I would not get too excited Miss Rodriguez, ... " Comma after 'excited.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are many more cases where you address someone in dialogue and didn't offset their name or title with commas.
3) 'After nothing appeared to happen after a few minutes, ... ' This phrase contains twp 'afters' and it reads awkward. Consider rewiting.
4) "Just think about all the people that would benefit if we were successful." 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
5) 'Henk was obviously surprised' is telling. How did Henk's 'surprise' manifest? Consider showing the onset of Henk's surprise so vividly the reader will experience it along with Henk. When you do this, the reader will be much more fully invoved in the scene.
6) "I didn't hear you come in?" Replace the question mark with a period.
7) I would like to see more of Henk's thoughts, emotional reactions and inner physical reactions during his conversation with Trevor. As written, Henk didn't have much mental/physical reaction during the conversation. I would have thought Henk would have been considerably disturbed during the dialogue.
8) 'Henk was completely taken back by Trevor's comments' is telling. Consider showing Henk's reaction so the reader can experience the reaction along with Henk. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into you story.
9) "I on the other hand, just can't quite quit." Trevor said ... Comma after 'quit.'
10) "Artificial intelligence governs it actions ... " 'It' should be 'its.'
11) Capitalize 'golden retriever.'
12) 'Once the elevator reached 21st floor ... ' Insert 'the' before '21st.' Also, spekk out numbers 1-99.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al