Dylan Knight : Rush Against Time

Gregory, Great read and will tick all the right boxes when you come back on this site. You have done a lot of work and although not my cup of tea, there are going to be a lot of readers out there that will fall in love with it. Good pace and good use of characters. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Dylan Knight: Rush Against Time by Gregory A. Hart
Good opener. It catches the reader's attention and draws them in.
The pace is exciting and kept my interest. Dylan seems like a dramatic character with his mystery side that makes him even more fascinating.
One suggestion though is to change the second paragraph from 'The couch' to 'His couch'. I think it sounds easier and smoother to the reader.
I like the plot idea a lot. There is a thrilling angle to it and your pitch really does well to get you interested.
Grand work. I like this a lot.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

I think you have tapped into a good theme here. What young person wouldn't want to lead a double life and do something that his parents knew nothing about? I know I would have jumped at the opportunity. I know very little about the YA market but the chapters I read were well written and held my interest and I should imagine that is the key in this area of fiction. The speech also came across as realistic. Well done and good luck with this.

Kim (Pain)

Yarg 2

I read the first chapter of your book, and have a few thoughts. I like your pitch - it was interesting and seemed like something a YA boy would like to read. I also liked your characterization - you have well rounded characters that you obviously liked, although the sidekick was much like the usual sidekick we always see in superhero stories.

I have a few things to comment about. The one part of your story where you talk about Sherlock Holmes and Jessica Fletcher - I had no idea what the correlation between Sherlock and Jessica was, and think you need to offer up a little detail there as there might be other readers that don't understand that part. I would have liked the swim meet part to have been extended (at least to show why the coach values him enough to ignore his tardiness. I would have liked to have known if they won, as well). I think it would make a cleaner transition between that scene and the scene where the boys leave to go to the movies. Another pacing issue I saw was your sentence structure. You have a lot of sentences that are in the form of subject/predicate. He said, he did, etc.

I wasn't sure why you put importance on the show bird theater - is this perhaps Dylan's secret base? It seemed to stick out like a tour guide in the midst of a battle.

Speaking of battles, I would have liked to have seen that part extended a little. It seemed a little too cut and dried to me. Maybe he could panic over the loss of his friend and there could be more of a chase before he finds his friend ( like, say, the alleyway wasn't so short, but there were annexes and such that the baddies could drag poor Jacob through), and you could inject some of Dylan's personal feelings about his friend's danger. How would he feel if his friend died? Does he suspect his friend getting kidnapped is his fault? How would that make him feel?

I would have liked to have seen him work harder at winning this fight. Let the baddie get some blows in, perhaps knock Dylan around a bit more before the boy wins. Have some emotions in play while they're locked in combat. Have some inner thoughts. Show some fatique as his initial adrenalin burst gives out.

Otherwise, I liked the chapter, and think you have a lot of talent.

YARG

Hi Gregory,

Here’s my return read of ‘Dylan Knight : Rush Against Time'. Below are some notes I made as I went along. These are just my opinion, so use what works for you and toss the rest.

Ch 1

1) ‘as he left but, he couldn’t
the comma should go after ‘left’

2) ‘faster toward the high school where he attended’
I don’t think you need ‘where he attended’. I think people would assume that unless you state otherwise. If you feel it needs some sort of ownership maybe say, ‘faster toward his high school’

3) ‘With luck, Dylan made it inside the school’
Usually ‘with luck’ applies to the present or future, so the reader will naturally start to read, ‘With luck, Dylan would make it inside the school’
‘Luckily’ usually goes with the past, so I’d be inclined to change this to say, ‘Luckily, Dylan made it inside the school’

4) ‘The coach turned to look at the rest of his team mates’
They aren’t the coach’s team mates. Maybe say, ‘The coach turned to look at the rest of Dylan’s team mates’
‘team mates’ should be one word

5) ‘you need my help with one of your Sherlock Holmes mood’
Do you mean, ‘you need my help when you’re in one of your Sherlock Holmes moods’?

6) ‘Including a fifteen year old.” Dylan replied “But’
I’d consider changing ‘Including’ to something like, ‘I’ve even been called’ as this sentence follows straight on from Dylan talking about the police chief calling him names in words nobody should ever hear. ‘Including’ makes it sound as though ‘fifteen year old’ is one of the words nobody should ever hear (though, of course, you may have intended it that way).
If you leave ‘Including’ in, the sentence should read;
‘Including a fifteen-year-old,” Dylan replied. “But’ (ie 4 changes)

7) ‘to act suspicious for the’
as ‘act’ is a noun, you need to describe it with an adverb. Consequently ‘suspicious’ should be ‘suspiciously’

8) ‘to take place and in a few moments’
remove ‘and’

9) ‘alive,” the man said’
full stop after ‘said’

10) ‘heading your way, now’
remove comma

11) ‘your mind on at the task’
remove ‘at’

12) ‘muttered under his breath’
full stop after ‘breath’

13) ‘I’ll be surprised if you didn’t handle’
mix of tenses here. ‘didn’t’ needs to be ‘don’t’

14) ‘They slowing their pace’
‘slowing’ should be ‘slowed’

15) ‘everyone used to go’
should be ‘everyone used to go to’

16) ‘at the same time’
you’ve used ‘time’ twice in this sentence. Maybe say, ‘at once’

17) ‘used to be closed for years’
this gives the impression that it keeps closing. Perhaps say, ‘was closed for years’

18) ‘It opened it to the public’
You could say, ‘He opened it to the public’ or ‘It opened to the public’. What you have seems to be a combination of the two.

19) ‘as he was being dragged away’
I’d remove ‘being’. It’s not necessary.

20) ‘ “Run Jacob! Get help at the Show Bird!” ’
I’d make this a new paragraph

21) ‘Jacob didn’t need to be told twice’
Reading on from here, it sounds as though he didn’t need to be told one. I’d remove ‘twice’. It actually doesn’t make a lot of sense if you leave it in.

22) ‘any way’
one word

23) ‘Or would he run like his friend did and give a description to the police’
This sentence had me really stumped for a few minutes. I thought the ‘he’ in it referred to the attacker, so it made no sense at all. Maybe say, ‘Or run, like Jacob, and give a description to the police’
This sentence is actually part of the sentence before. The two should be joined with a comma.

24) ‘for what he did to Jacob’
should be ‘for what he’d done to Jacob’ (as it is the past of the past)

25) ‘as he fell sideways to the pavement below them’
This makes it sound as though they’re standing above the pavement, on a platform or something, yet I was under the impression they were standing on the pavement, in which case you should say something like, ‘as he fell sideways onto the pavement’

26) ‘he quickly joined his friend’
This sounds a little impersonal. You should probably just call him ‘Jacob’ from now.

27) ‘when it came too possibly saving’
‘too’ should be ‘to’

28) ‘He refocused his attention to’
Conventionally, you ‘focus your attention on’ or you ‘turn your attention to’. So this should be, ‘He refocused his attention on’

29) ‘Suddenly a boy running out of it’
This should be either, ‘Suddenly a boy was running out of it’ or ‘Suddenly a boy ran out of it’
Note: This sounds as though you can’t see into the alleyway, yet for the rest of the account the man must be able to see in. Maybe you could get round this by saying something like, ‘He refocused his attention on the alleyway before him and watched Dylan’s friend fall free of the ‘attacker’s’ grasp and race off. He heard Dylan…’

30) ‘Dylan yell instructions at Jacob’
Is the man likely to think of Jacob as Jacob? I’d be inclined to say, ‘his friend’ here.

31) ‘kicking the stranger’
The guy is only a stranger to Dylan, not to the man. The man, presumably, employed him to do this job. Consequently the man would think of him by name, so I would give him a name here.

Ch 2

1) ‘couldn’t find the attacker where Dylan told them where he was last seen’
I’d remove ‘where Dylan told them where he was last seen’. It makes the sentence a bit clunky and it’s unnecessary. If they couldn’t find the attacker where Dylan said, they would have looked all around the surrounding neighbourhood anyway, so it’s more accurate to just put ‘they couldn’t find the attacker’.
If you decide to keep it, you’ll need to remove the second ‘where’.

2) ‘out of room’
should be ‘out of his room’

3) ‘because he saved their son’s life’
should be ‘because he’d saved their son’s life’ as it’s the past of the past

4) ‘showed up giving them’
comma after ‘up’
as your story is written in past tense, using the present tense here doesn’t work. You need to say either, ‘showed up and gave them’ or ‘showed up to give them’ ( I like the latter better, but that’s just my opinion).

5) ‘The two continued walking to the school’
When did they start? A second ago they were talking to a police officer at Jacob’s house. Maybe say, ‘The two headed off to school’

6) ‘Don’t worry, Jacob’
comma after ‘Jacob’

7) ‘I don’t know.” Said Jacob uneasily,’
should be, ‘I don’t know,” said Jacob uneasily.’ (3 changes)

8) ‘He seemed crazy to me’
‘seemed’ doesn’t seem strong enough. The guy just comes from nowhere and attacks Jacob with a knife. I don’t think Jacob would say ‘he seems crazy’, he’d say ‘he was crazy’, so try, ‘The guy was crazy!’

9) ‘more closely before taking off in a sprint’
I’d remove ‘more’, (unless you say ‘more closely than usual’, but I think that’s overkill, as you’ve essentially said it in the sentence before). Jacob hasn’t studied it closely yet, so how can he study it more closely?
You’ve already used ‘before’ in this sentence. Maybe say something like, ‘closely, then took off in a sprint’

10) ‘ “You don’t have to do what I do, you know.” ’
This sentence should be a new paragraph.
It’s not clear who’s speaking here and it’s not until two paragraphs later that the reader receives a clue, so I’d recommend putting, ‘said Jacob’ or something at the end of this sentence.

11) ‘must think I am a fool’
I’d probably condense ‘I am’ to ‘I’m’ here. The sentence will flow better.

12) ‘shown a certain level of calm, always remained level-headed’
two ‘level’s here. I’d remove ‘level of’. It’s unnecessary, and its removal solves the problem.

13) ‘If you were in my place’
Do you mean, ‘If you’d been in my place’? As the guy can’t be found, then no one can be talking to him or kicking his ass at the time they’re speaking.

14) ‘Always have ever since he could’
should be ‘Always had, ever since he could’ (2 changes)

15) ‘seen this in him’
should be either, ‘had seen this in him’ or ‘saw this in him’

16) ‘They, in return, took him to’
‘return’ should be ‘turn’ as ‘in return’ means that you’re returning a favour, whereas ‘in turn’ means that you’re next in a chain of events.

17) ‘his parents tried’
should be ‘his parents had tried’ as this is the past of the past.

18) ‘They put him in’
should be ‘They’d put him in’

19) ‘self-defense classes. Thinking’
comma after ‘classes’

20) ‘and were forced to’
should be ‘and they were forced to’

21) ‘out of it’
should be ‘out of them’ as ‘classes’ is plural (Or you could remove ‘classes’ from the sentence, as ‘self-defense is singular)

22) ‘the latter.” He chuckled’
should be ‘the latter,” he chuckled’

23) ‘probably right.” Jacob said’
should be ‘probably right,” Jacob said’

24) ‘before starting back to school with Dylan’
This sounds as though they’d been heading away from school and had turned back. Maybe say something like, ‘before following Dylan.’

25) ‘to Dylan, going in with Jacob, sitting down beside him in the school’s gymnasium and waited’
should be, ‘to Dylan; going in with Jacob; sitting down beside him in the school’s gymnasium; and waiting’

26) ‘They meet again’
should be ‘They’d meet again’

27) ‘He recognize her voice, it was Juliet’s voice’
‘recognize’ should be ‘recognized’
full stop after ‘voice’
I’d be inclined to remove ‘’s voice’ and finish with ‘Juliet’. It removes the repetition of ‘voice’ and tightens the sentence.

28) ‘to their knowledge; Dylan was called’
should be ‘to their knowledge that Dylan was called’

29) ‘Through all of this, Dylan remained’
I’d remove, ‘Through all of this,’ It’s not necessary.

30) ‘one thing about why’
replace ‘about why’ with ‘reason’

31) ‘Better yet, telling them they had’
There’s a tense issue here. You need to say something like, ‘Better yet, he was here to tell them they had’

32) ‘and wanted them to’
this would be better as ‘and he wanted Dylan and Jacob to’, as ‘them’ in this sentence actually would refer to the police (as the police are the ‘they’ in the preceding part of the sentence)

33) ‘recession hit: her retirement’
replace the semicolon with a comma

34) ‘her students, Dylan was’
full stop after ‘students’

35) ‘White.” Dylan replied’
comma after ‘White’

36) ‘you are.” She said, letting Dylan’
should be, ‘you are,” she said, letting Dylan’

37) ‘everyone seen Dylan again’
‘seen’ should be ‘saw’

38) ‘As Dylan shut the door behind him…’
I’d remove this whole sentence. Its removal gives the sentence before more impact, which is what you want. (And it finishes that section with our focus on Dylan).

39) ‘He made his way towards the front office when a gentleman’
‘made’ should be ‘was making ‘

40) ‘was he had’
should be ‘was that he had’
How does Dylan know he has a pistol strapped to his waist. It would be under his suit jacket. What gave it away for Dylan – especially the exact details of the firearm and the fact that it was black?

41) ‘The way the guy was dressed in front of him; Dylan knew’
remove ‘in front of him’ It doesn’t matter whether the guy’s in front of him, beside him, or halfway down the hall; he’d still be dressed the same. What matters is the way he’s dressed.
Replace semicolon with comma

42) ‘Knight.” The man said, sounding more like a statement than a question.’
should be ‘Knight,” the man said, making it sound more like a statement than a question.’ (5 changes). ‘The man’ doesn’t sound like a statement or a question.

43) ‘with Me.’
Should be ‘with me,’ (2 changes)

44) ‘Dylan looked behind the gentleman then behind him’
‘him’ should be ‘himself’

45) ‘in site to help’
‘site’ should be ‘sight’

46) ‘Why, I haven’t done anything wrong?’
should be ‘Why? I haven’t done anything wrong.’

47) ‘out front.” The gentleman’
should be ‘out front,” the gentleman’

48) ‘before he coming to the office’
should be ‘before he reached the office’

49) ‘talk to me about’
should be ‘talk to me about it’

50) ‘his seat reached into’
should be ‘his seat and reached into’

51) ‘Act.” The special’
should be ‘Act,” the special’

52) ‘Dylan took the form…’
This should be a new paragraph.

53) ‘ago.” The agent began’
should be ‘ago,” the agent began’
full stop after ‘began’

54) ‘can be a death of a powerful senator to a terrorist group’
should be ‘can be anything from the death of a powerful senator to a terrorist group’

55) ‘One is all this is a dream’
commas after ‘is’ and ‘dream’
‘is’ should be ‘was’

56) ‘deciding if the man’
this would be better as ‘wondering if the man’ or ‘trying to decide if the man’

57) ‘He’s the new reference the recruits used in the recent years’
should be ‘He was the new reference the recruits had used in the recent years’

58) ‘Alex Rider is’
‘is’ should be ‘was’

59) ‘John read the books’
should be ‘John had read the books’

60) ‘are given.” John explained’
should be ‘are given,” John explained’

61) ‘If I say yes, I am assuming again, what will I’
remove ‘I am assuming’. It doesn’t make a lot of sense here. You could have said, ‘Let’s assume I’ve said yes’ and it would be fine, but because he says ‘if’, then the reader knows he hasn’t even got as far as assuming. He’s still asking questions.

62) ‘What type training’
should be ‘What type of training’

63) ‘won’t be tell my friend’
should be ‘won’t be able to tell my friend’

64) ‘They will know’
I’d change ‘They’ to ‘Your parents’, as the last ‘they’ under discussion were actually his friends, so I initially thought this comment referred to Dylan’s friends.

65) ‘everything.” Special agent John Talbert replied’
should be ‘everything,” special agent John Talbert replied.’ (3 changes)

66) ‘know.” He began slowly’
should be ‘know,” he began slowly.’

67) ‘the past.” The special’
should be ‘the past,” the special’

68) ‘John Talbert said minutes’
should be ‘John Talbert had said minutes’

69) ‘Dylan slowly began’
new paragraph

70) ‘all on special agent’
should be ‘all due to Special Agent’

71) ‘Jacob’s attack the’
semicolon after ‘attack’

72) ‘stupid test and the police can’t seem to find the aggressor. Jacob’
try something like, ‘stupid test and the police’s inability to find the aggressor, Jacob’

73) ‘an hours’ time.” replied’
should be ‘an hour’s time,” replied’ (2 changes)

74) ‘The special agent said while’
small ‘t’ for ‘The’

75) ‘enough.” Dylan agreed’
should be ‘enough,” Dylan agreed.’ (2 changes)

76) ‘Yes with no questions asked but’
commas after ‘Yes’ and ‘asked’

77) ‘leave the group because’
comma after ‘group’, otherwise this sounds as though some people leave because they’re suited to the job.

78) ‘they found the one’
should be ‘they’d found the one’
I’d be inclined to say ‘man’ rather than ‘one’, but that’s just my personal view

79) ‘the police chief always dragged Dylan in for interference with police work but was never arrested.’
You need to say something like, ‘the police chief always dragged Dylan in for interference with police work, but the boy was never arrested’ otherwise this sentence says that the police chief was never arrested, as he is the subject.

80) ‘idea, dad.” Dylan’
should be ‘idea, Dad,” Dylan’

81) ‘everything happened earlier’
should be ‘everything that happened’

82) ‘The phone, the special’
remove comma

83) ‘When he got home, he immediately went straight to his room. Opened the envelope’
We’re past that. It’s midnight now. This should be, ‘When he’d got home, he’d immediately gone to his room and opened the envelope’
(I’d remove ‘straight’, as you imply that by saying ‘immediately’)

84) ‘ I have promised. He is’
should be ‘I promised, he is’ (or you could omit the ‘I’. That might be even better. More ‘professional’.)

85) ‘the cell. Pressed one’
should be ‘the cell, pressed one’

86) Great end hook.

This is a really good story. Your writing is easy to read and very fluid, and I could see this being very appealing for teens. Good work.

Sue

YARG II Review

Hi Gregory,

I've read your first chapter and really enjoyed it. This is something I would have read as a young adult. A couple of small bits I have picked up on, my opinion tho...feel free to disregard:

"obscenties trailed out after him" - not sure you need the "out"?
"Sherlock Holmes mood" - should be moods
"Hired someone to act suspicious" - should be suspiciously
"the man groaned more" -I think would read better "the man groaned again"

Small points but I hope they help. I enjoyed what I read - thank you

Al Seyers
The Orb Gatherer

YARG review: rush against time

Chapter 1:
I have a tendency toward perpetual lateness so I'm already enjoying reading about Dylan. He's a very fun character, and one that you're rooting for and cringing at all at once. Just right. :) 
Just a few thoughts for you (hopefully not repeat comments!):
-This might be different for you, but I swam competitively, and we always referred to them as races (individual swims) and meets (for the whole competition). Never matches. So for this sentence, I'd like to see it as: "The coach had warned him if he was late for another race, he would be suspended for the next three." (no need for a second match/race)
"the high school where he attended" - might be easier just to write "his high school"
Dylan sounds very handsome! One thought: "His eyes were dark in color and looked as if they were a dark sapphire blue." - this would probably be easier just as "his eyes were a dark sapphire blue" (and if you wanted to continue the 'swim' theme, you could add: "his eyes were a dark sapphire, the colour of the ocean at night." (or something better, but water-y?)
"What caused you to be late, this time?" - I think a teenage boy would say "what made you late this time?"
"he was being dragged away" - I think this will feel a bit more urgent if you just keep it as: "as he was dragged away."
"Anger rose within him towards the man" - I don't think you need 'towards the man' (it's implied)
"A person needed not to care for him or herself in the job Dylan was about to do." - this feels a bit clumsy. Might work better as: "a person couldn't afford to care about himself in the job Dylan was about to do."
Might be a bit smoother as: "Instinctively, he grimaced at the sight of Dylan kicking the stranger in the groin"
Great ending to the first chapter - you've combined fun with intrigue, and I already care about Dylan. I'm very curious about this mysterious stranger and his plans for Dylan. 
Ok, despite the rather long-winded crit, I actually rather enjoyed this! Would be willing to swap a few chapters, if you're interested!
Ellie
Paragon

Jeremy asked me to look at this and so here I am. :) It looked familiar and definitely like something I would like to read. When I got into it I recognized it and realized that I have already read this and given it high star ratings! :) This seems like the perfect YA/ Teen fiction book for a publisher to pick up! The marketability is potentially very high! My son Jesse read this tonight and he agrees with me. :)
I look forward to one day seeing this on a bookstore shelf or in a public library waiting for me to check out. :)
Blessings and best wishes,
Laura

I'm here to return your read of my book, Shadow Jumper and a YARG review.
A great idea for a story and will appeal to children, although you do have some competition out there!
Some comments on the first two chapters which is all I have had the time to read, but I hope you will find them useful.
'They slowing their pace' should be slowed their pace?
The action scene in Ch1 feels a little forced to me and perhaps could be described in a more gripping way. One way of doing this is by showing more of what Dylan is feeling at the time. I know he is calm under pressure and he is extraordinary in this way, so perhaps show us how he relaxes before fighting the assailant, how he calms his breathing and his heart rate, unclasps his hands etc.
Dylan is the mc in this story and I think it would be helpful to maintain the story in his point of view. You do slip into the viewpoint of other characters at times. If you do change the pov you perhaps need section or chapter breaks to mark that change. It is difficult to maintain the pov - it is something I have had problems with in my writing!
You could also perhaps introduce more dialogue, for example when he is called out of class - what do the pupils say and do, as he leaves?
These are just a few ideas - please ignore the ones you don't find helpful, as they are only my opinions, after all.
You have the makings of a good story here, with a bit of tightening up.
All the best
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Gregory,
Talk about spunk and energy, Dylan's got both, pulling us after him from swim class to saving his friend to being recruited into a spy agency. The brisk pace of your book is helped along by short, simple sentences and a peppy dialogue liberally dispensinbg backstory. Your protagonists are sympathetic and worth cheering on through their challenges. Thank you so much.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Gregory,
Talk about spunk and energy, Dylan's got both, pulling us after him from swim class to saving his friend from unidentified assailants to being recruited into a spy agency. The brisk pace of your book is helped along by short, simple sentences and a peppy dialogue liberally dispensinbg backstory. Your protagonists are sympathetic and worth cheering on throughg their challenges. Thank you so much.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

This is a YARG review

Dylan Knight: Rush Against Time

First of all, that is a smart front cover. I think it’s one of the nicest I’ve seen.
Your long and short pitches are both fine. Maybe I’d take out “is about to”, and just have “is leading a double life” even if that isn’t where the book starts. It’s a bit more exciting that way instead of knowing that there will be a period in the book before the action starts.
Also, you mention he is fifteen in both. Would anyone ever read the long pitch without having just read the short one?

I hope you don’t mind some close crit. I want to be helpful. Ignore what you don’t agree with, of course.
Ch 1.
“instead of actual eyes.” You don’t really need this on the end of the simile.
“a speedo” This might be a UK thing, but I’ve only seen them called “speedos”, never singular.
“offended of..” Should be “offended by”.
I like the Jessica Fletcher stuff. That really is an insult to a teenage boy!
“surprised on..” Should be “surprised by..”
“towards the man”. Seems unnecessary to add this.
Nonetheless can be all one word, and later, I think the “any way” should be too.
Ch 2
Dylan’s name is used an awful lot of times in the first paragraph and in the second, too.
The boys are very nice to each other - is this normal? It makes them likeable, Dylan in particular, but I’m not sure how realistic it is.
The sentence starting “His teachers…” is missing a word, probably “had”.
“…keeping him in swimming.” You don’t really need this, we already know.
I think “aid” should be spelt “aide” in this case, although I’m not certain.
Voice and office are both used too many times in the paragraph starting “Just as Dylan…”
Classmates can be one word.
“..damn important..” Dylan is a bit rude to a man with a gun he is supposed to be wary of.
“..in the past.” Unecessary. At what other point could they have worked together?
It might be helpful if you put Dylan’s thoughts into italics. Some of the text is in bold, but it isn’t clear why.
Reassure is one word, not hyphenated.
“an hours’ time.” Just a typo - hour’s.
Who will be in police custody? The man hired? That seems a bit unfair.
“If I say yes…” This sentence needs to be joined to the one following it.
Handwritten is one word.
I like the idea behind this. Dylan finds trouble, and now something else has found him. I like that it starts with him racing against time, and it’s clever that it’s only to his meet. The relationship between the two boys is nice, and Dylan is a likeable MC. You have some polishing to do, but we all have that. Starred highly.

Lucy

YARG review:
I really like the idea behind this book, and crime-fighting teens will be a hit with the target audience. I do, however, agree with many of the other comments about your tendency to tell the reader what is happening rather than showing it to us. I think that'll help the reader engage more with the story. I also think you could make your dialogue more realistic as it jarred in places. That said, I enjoyed reading the opening chapters and think there's definitely potential here. Your characters are good, and the writing is fast-paced and readable. You have a great setup for a gripping read and if you give it a good edit you'll stand a better chance of success. Best of luck with this.
Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

YARG review.
Hi Greg *waves*

I’ve really enjoyed what I’ve read of this so far. I love the idea of an ordinary citizen being recruited as a secret agent (it’s everyone’s dream to be that citizen, right?), the idea is even better when that citizen is also a teenager. The story flows really well, there weren’t any parts where I felt there was loads of information being thrown at me, you stuck to telling the story and you started off really strongly too.

Dylan is a great MC, he’s a very likeable character. (that bit where Jacob called him a Jessica Fletcher made me LOL... and now I have the theme song to Murder She Wrote stuck in my head.) The interaction between the characters is written really well, as is the dialogue. It makes it seem realistic.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading, and will be back to read more when I get the chance.

Highly starred.
Karen=)

(YARG & read swap)
Hi Greg,
I like this. It's very 'young James Bond'!! The pace is good, there's a nice jokey humour about the dialogue between Dylan and his friend, the action scenes are explained well and cleanly so that there's no confusion as to what is going on. Dylan seems a likeable protagonist, someone easy to identify with. His age and the setting is authentic and believeable in a YA fiction way, where recruitment of a 15 year old by a crime fighting organisation is always a possibility!

Constructive crit? You have a slight tendency to cliche, which might be intentional given the genre, but there were times when it was a little distracting e.g. "burst through the doors", eyes like "sapphire stones", "punching each other on the shoulder", "watching the scene unfold". These are all overused phrases/ideas/images, your writing will have a little more 'punch'(!) if you take these out or replace them. You also have a slight tendency to repeat words when you don't need to. I find reading work aloud to an empty room helps, you notice mistakes you don't always catch on the screen. Reading aloud to a full room is even better!
5 stars from me.
All the best,
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Yarg review

I'll try not to repeat other's comments about punctuation, repetition, grammar, prepositions etc but thought that these corrections might help you with the beginning of your book....
(x = delete)
CH 1
for the next three. (x matches)
the high school he attended. (x where)
LUCKILY, Dylan made it inside the school
His eyes were dark (comma) they looked like sapphires instead.... (x stones)
with the chief. (x police )

"As a matter of fact I wasn't (comma) " Dylan replied. (there should always be a comma before or after you attribute speech)

offended BY what you said.” Dylan REPLIED, genuinely

When you refer to other works of fiction it sounds like you lifted it straight from wikipedia. You give too much information it's very stilted and it's patronising to the reader

the real test was about to take place. (x and in a few moments.)
keep your mind ON the task ahead
surprised BY
It's just THAT zombie movies
when DID you become a movie critic?”
five or six different ones. (x at the same time)
Show Bird Movie Theater WAS closed for
HE cleaned it up
BLOCKBUSTER (one word)
walk PAST not passed
realized he WAS HOLDING a knife
ANYWAY - (one word)

how does Dylan kick someone in the 'side' is he a kickboxer?
the word aggressor is too technical
and HE fell to his knees.
So far HE was pleased with what...
LINE of work
Focussed his attention ON...
alleyway before him when he SAW a boy running out of it.


Hope that helps. I've done chapter two as well so message me if you want me to mail you the file(I wrote all the notes on my kindle so it's slow to type them up.)

best of luck,

Benedict

YARG review!

Well. Well well well. This book is verging into Alex Rider territory, and taking it's competitor head on.
And I think it can win.
The plot is fast, gripping, the writing flows nicely, and I really want to read beyond the three chapters so far. The basic idea isn't overly-ridiculous, and the characters are believable for the most part. The plot is good enough that I want to ignore small mistakes.
Six stars :)

The last three chapters of Dylan Knight: Rush Against Time has been uploaded and now is complete and ready for editing. What is Dylan's finale decsion about joining the unit?

Chpt. 17 has been uploaded. What is in store for Dylan next?

Just uploaded chpt. 16. I wonder, Will it be just a matter of Time?

This is a cool idea, and I enjoyed the story. But you have things to work on. Some of the dialogue didn't sound right like, "I should be offended of what you said." And you have some spelling problems like saying 'know' instead of 'now.' It's a good story so you need to fix those things before it gets to the editor's desk or they won't want to publish it. If you are planning on publishing it yourself, you will get roasted alive by readers. My first book had some typos and I got creamed.

YARG review. I almost forgot to say that.

I like the story and feel that this has great bones. A young and I do mean young detective how refreshing. I'm giving it a high rating and hope to get back to read more.
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

No, Dylan! Don't die! Where's chapter 16?!

Just uploaded chpt. !5. Will Dylan JAckson make it?

Every book has something a little unlikely, and it is quite unlikely that a fifteen-year-old would be recruited by any sort of a crime-fighter. It doesn't matter in the slightest. This was a good pacy read, and I particularly liked the relationship between Dylan and Jacob. Make sure and let me know when the book is for sale. I have no doubt that it will make it, one way or another. To be backed, Marj.

YARG Review

Greg,
The teenage crime-fighter idea is a good one and will appeal to a wide teen audience. The boy being able to show the adults how it’s done will also get you points, and the relationship with Jacob is another plus. You have the bases for a good story, so keep at it. I thought my text was as good as it was going to get, and since I’ve been on Authonomy I’ve done at least five radical re-edits, added chapters and cut out a lot of text. It seems to me Dylan still has a way to go in the editing process before it will pass with an agent or a publisher.

I know a lot of people have made the same point, but what slows me up in my enjoyment of the text are: punctuation and repetition. The punctuation and grammar are minor worries; a good, thorough edit will get rid of them. The repetition is in the text though, like the sometimes stilted dialogue. The action gets bogged down if you repeat things, or of you use a long-winded way of saying something simple. The opening sentences are unecessarily wordy. Why is the family coming out of an evening meal at three o’clock in the afternoon? You just need to say Dylan jostled the family and they bawled him out. Another two examples:

‘If you are as good as I think you are, I shouldn’t be too surprised on how well you can handle the situation.’
You could shorten it to: ‘If you’re as good as I think you are, you should handle the situation pretty well.’

‘Yes, I am in place. I’m following the two right now. You keep your mind on the task ahead of you and let me do my job.’
This could be shorter and snappier without losing the sense:
‘Yeah! I’m following them right now. You just stick to your job and let me do mine!’
In reported speech it sounds more natural to use contractions. If you read it out loud you should hear the difference.

‘Dylan acted without hesitation. Anger rose within him towards the man. He realised he needed to stay calm and not let his anger blind him. If he wanted to get Jacob out of harm’s way he had to do it with a clear head. He came up with a plan in an instant.’

This is the wrong way round. Dylan gets angry, thinks of a plan, then he acts. You say he needs to stay calm so you don’t need to repeat it by saying he needs a clear head. His anger is obviously directed towards the man so you don’t need to say it. It’s also obvious he would want to save Jacob. You could say something like:
‘Dylan struggled to control his rising anger, and in an instant he had a plan to rescue Jacob.’
When things are happening fast, you have to keep the writing tight otherwise you get a problem with the timing.

I wasn’t sure about the end of this first chapter. Dylan kicks the man when he’s already down, and we are told Dylan really wants to hurt him. Whether the spectator is a bad guy or a good guy, the fact that he approves of Dylan’s gratuitous aggression isn’t very flattering for Dylan. I don’t think you want to give the impression that Dylan is a brute, so it might be an idea to explain why he carried on kicking the man.
Other people have pointed out the rapid jumping from one scene to another. Some scenes (action) take too long to describe; others (pool) are dealt with too quickly for the reader to get a good idea of what the place looks like, or the characters involved.
My problem has always been overloading the text and putting in too much backstory. Yours, I think is the opposite. I’d like to know for example what are Dylan’s credentials? If you look at Noelle’s Dark Origins, the story opens with Miss Justice in action. We know she’s a crime fighter because we see her doing it.
As I said, I’m no expert, still struggling like everybody else here, these are just my thoughts, to be taken with a pinch of salt.
I’m giving Dylan high stars anyway for potential, and because I like the idea.
Jane.

YARG Review

Hi Greg, I've read the first two chapters of your book so far. I thought the introduction was great, and well suited for a young adult novel. Dylan seems very level-headed in his approach to crime-fighting. I think perhaps you could build on the pool scene a little more; just add a bit more description to help build up a picture in the reader's mind.

My best piece of advice is to always check (read) your work for grammatical errors. Or get someone else to have a read through it on your behalf. There are a couple of instances where you write 'seen' instead of saw, I also noticed your use of 'meet' instead of met. I know it's easily done, but you do have a tendency to mix tense (past, present, future).

I think you're strongest point lies in the dialogue; it plays out brilliantly, although sometimes less is more. Good dialogue should emphasise relationship between characters.

Don't be afraid of troublesome apostrophes ;) They're here to help your writing flow . . . Instead of writing 'he would' or 'you are' stick an apostrophe in - he would 'he'd', you are 'you're'. I know it sounds incredibly trivial, but they make a world of difference to what's on the page.

I'm also not sure about the Alex Rider reference, it doesn't seem to fit that well. Let your work stand on its own merits and if people want to make a comparison, they will. I think you have an interesting idea, I'd certainly like to find out what happens to Dylan. The premise is good and it does draw me in . . .

He's sort of like a teenage version of Sydney Bristow (sorry, I've watched too much Alias).

YARG II review, This book is well paced, has a nice beginning tone and has a lot of credibility and the story has believability. The book keeps you hooked and invested from the very beginning, it seems original and creative. I believe it suits well for your intended young adult audience and good luck! =)

Yarged
A fast pacy story with a lot of strength. Great characters that add dimension to the text. The plot is well thought put and excellently written. Your writing draws the reader in and you are hungry for the next page. You are a natural story teller who has really thought this story out. I really liked this story. Well done.

Hi Gregory, I checked out your book for a YARG review.

Dylan Knight is a really likeable guy, a good friend, son, and student, and to top it off, he was born to be a crime-fighter. He also has a really cool name too.

My sons really like the Alex Rider series and they would probably like your book too.

You do a great job setting up the story, introducing your characters and explaining how it is that Dylan comes to work for the government. Crime-fighting and detective work is obviously a big interest to you as well.

I thought you did a great job with the dialogue between Jacob and Dylan. They come off as really good friends and their conversation sounds really natural.

There were a few times where I thought some of the sentences read a bit awkward or just hung there with no proper beginning. Has anyone suggested to you to read your story out loud? I find this helps me pinpoint the spots that need to be smoothed in my own book.

I hope you don’t mind, I gave a few examples of how some of the sentences could be changed to help with the flow and understanding. Remember, these are only suggestions.

“Almost knocking down a family of six coming out of a restaurant, he shouted out his apology as he dodged past them.”

“His hair was cut short on the sides and his bangs fell to just above his dark, sapphire-like eyes. The younger boy looked up at him, concern on his face.”

“Jacob stopped and looked at Dylan, studying his face and the way he stood.”

I noticed a couple times too that you jumped out of the point of view of your character. But that is easily fixed.

One more thing, check your use of the word “seen” often times it needs to be replaced with “saw“

Gregory, I only read a couple chapters, but I can tell you are passionate about your writing and I’m sure the rest of your book is filled with the adventure and intrigue that is promised in your pitch!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Need to read the book, things are begining to heat up with Dylan Knight in chpt. 11. So have a read and see what you think it's all about.
Gregory. A Hart

I like the suspense you created when Dylan hears the warning from his other trainees about special agent Talbert. I only read to chapter five, but the story flow is easy to read. Your introduction of Dylan is great, it helps the reader to prepare to go on the journey (coming of age) with him. I also like the friendship you created between Dylan and Jacob they are completely opposities but there bond is unified. Great story!

DYLAN KNIGHT
Interesting story. Dylan is a good main character; I liked the way he recognized he had a special ability for crime fighting but didn’t seem smug about it. Made him easy to like. I think you’ll find a young adult audience for this with no trouble; all of your readers that age will wish they were Dylan. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

YARG review

Just finished chapter 3, really enjoying what I've seen so far. The start is quick and snappy and draws the reader straight away into Dylan's character. You have a great grasp of your characters here and I like that. My only nitpick would be that you sometimes drop in redundant sentences that tell us what you've already mentioned before. Apart from that, your work is impressive and well put together.

I can tell you've done research into where you want this plot to go, it's very succinct. Well done! High-stars from me :)

Kate

YARG REVIEW

COVER ART – don’t usually comment on this but loved the literalness of the running silhouette against the clock face. This is the kind of thing that would catch my eye on the shelf.

SP – really snappy. The one issue I had was with the semi colon followed by “kept”. This could perhaps be replaced with something like “, a life which he must keep secret…” It’s just the past tense of the word “kept” that seems to detract a little from the action in the sentence.

LP - Really liked it, it was fresh and intriguing.

CH 1 – The second sentence shouldn’t start with “almost.” Perhaps “He almost knocked down” would sit better.
Should the first line of P2 be “the coach had warned him”?
I think that “where he attended” is unnecessary – why else would he be going to the school?
I feel that your description of Dylan is a little jumpy in tense with some missing words so would suggest something like: “His hair was cut short with bangs that fell over his forehead, skimming his eyebrows. His eyes were as dark as sapphires.”
“Nonetheless” is one word no hyphens.

CH2
Seems a bit strange to switch from the fight scene straight to walking to school, it felt like there was a bit missed out although you do allude to the conversation with the police. Also, why would the police be checking the surrounding hospitals for the attacker – Dylan just kicked him in the balls – I’m not sure if that’s hospitalisation criteria!
Phrases like “Since I have” sound a little stilted. I’m sure a teenage boy would say “since I’ve known you”.
He should be “going in and waiting” or “went in and waited”. You’ve mixed tenses here. Also “the next time everyone seen” should be either “the next time everyone saw”.
Didn’t Dylan even have a hint of scepticism? He jumps in the car, signs the official secrets act and agrees to a new job in mere minutes! It could potentially be a little more dramatic to have a bit of a scuffle between Dylan and John where John bests him and earns his respect. Dylan comes across a little naïve here for a spy level kid. Also when he is lying in bed at night I thought that there would be a lot more soul searching but again he just does it straight away!

CH3 – Much like chapter two I was a little confused by the jump between scenes. For me, it would have made more sense to start with the next morning and finding the agent downstairs .
Swade – is that a word? Did you mean dissuade?
His parents ask him to ring once a week – I’m sure if I had left when I was fifteen my parents would be asking me to ring every night at first! Is there a reason he can only ring once a week?
Why is he surprised that the rest of his unit is older than him when all he’s seen outside is that age group? If he thinks he’s going to be in a “teen” unit you need to make that clear before now.

OMG what a cliffhanger! People around Talbert get dead! You are really layering up the intrigue here and also introducing an insidious thought that Talbert may not be all that he seems. This is an intriguing set up for the rest of the novel.


I noted a recurring issue in your dialogue where you put a full stop at the end of the text before starting in a capital, where a comma would be more appropriate. Take this example from chapter two “do the latter,” he chuckled. “Come on, we’ll be late for school.” It flows better than “do the latter.” He chuckled. Read it out loud with a proper breath for the full stops, you’ll see what I mean.

Also, you seem to have real issue with tense where your sentences combine the present and the past tense. There are whole books written on grammar so I’m not the one to sort you out (plus my own grasp of grammar is mostly instinctive). However, your story would benefit greatly from a little bit of tweaking in this area.

Overall this story has real potential and would probably appeal to teenage girls as well as teenage boys. Although I have not read the books myself I was led to think of Alex Ryder and I chuckled to myself as you mentioned it yourself later on. There is also plenty of scope for a series which seems to be the fashion now for young adult books.

In summary this is good but needs a bit of polishing. Best of luck, Marns

YARG Review

You have a lot of potential here. Perhaps a more modern Hardy Boys series? Dylan would make a great hero for a series. You do have a bit of work to get the edits down,tho. But you do have a gem here, and don't my "criticim" in a negative way. I like what you have, or I wouldn't give you advice on how to fix it. Okay?

We're here to help each other. The only thing I see that you need to work on, is detailing action, instead of telling something is happening. We are readers and we want to see the action for ourselves, not have the writer tell us what happened. I'll give us examples:

....he rushed through the doors to see his team mates still there.......
This could be better: he rushed through the doors and into the throng of his team mates dressed in speedos and smelling of Ben Gay.
(this creates an image, whereas yours doesn't).

the paragraph describing the pool area is flat. Add some color, and sounds, and sights. I couldn't "see" it.

I like what you have! Your first chapter draws in the reader, and you draw the reader in, the more you read!
Great job!

Sincerely

D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

A YARG review
Dylan Knight: Rush Against Time
Gregory A. Hart

Hi Gregory, finally got over here to read your book!

Remember all writing is subjective - take what you want and throw the other suggestions out.

A couple of tweaks: When he's running like crazy trying
to get to the high school, you have him sighing - if you're running do you sigh? I'm trying to act it out. Instead of sighing, maybe have him doing something else like gulping more air, etc.

Also, kept thinking maybe these guys were in college from the conversation then read where they were in high school. Their speech just seemed much older.

Also in Chapter One, para 6th - "His eyes were dark they looked like sapphire stones instead of actual eyes." There's no comma in that sentence. How about, "His eyes were dark. Like sapphire stones instead of actual eyes."

IMHO, it sounds like the boys are using stilted formal speech so I thought the scene was many years back. Teens today use more contractions and their speech is more relaxed, unless of course this kid is from an affluent family - private school, etc. But then you had him with a cell, so I'm assuming the time is in the present.

You have a good story line going here - sounds like it's going to get interesting! ~
~Kady Colter
Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

A YARG review

Dylan Knight : Rush Against Time
Gregory A. Hart

Gregory, as I was reading through your book the odd question here and there came up. I'm afraid my reviews and comments aren't always the best organized, think of them more like notes scribbled in the margin rather than something formally presented.

I like your writing and I like the direction you are taking things – I read farther than I actually took notes on. There are a few places where I hit some kind of a 'bump' when I was reading – either the story took a siding then suddenly jumped on the main track – or the placing of certain details broke the dramatic flow. If you'd like me to explain something a bit more, let me know. (And yes, I do re-reads.)

I've made notes of these bumps when I ran across them and tried to describe why they hit me as they did. Other times a question just kind of hit and I jotted it down.



Chapter 1:

There is a sudden time jump between the 1st and 2nd paragraph.. 20 minutes to get there, the school is now just five minutes away. I stumbled over the timing there until I got down a bit farther on the page.

Now if only you could put this (This what? Feels like something is missing right there) into use
while you are in the water.

(Question? Do swimmers have warm ups they need to do before a meet? Like runners have stretching exercises?)

I love the phrase: “Except, when you need my help with one of your Jessica Fletcher
moods.” Then the paragraph that follows it sounds more like a JF advert then what a kid would actually say.

This phrase sounds too “generic” to my ear:
“both their own and the opposing schools.”
I'd say either scrag it or invent a couple of team names.

(Who won the match? It would help build up Dylan's character if read about him winning or losing and how he handled it. Did he win with near Olympic speeds or was he fairly average for a high school?)

When we get to the paragraph with the man watching the boys, the sudden shift in perspective broke the flow for me. I'd recommend trying just a reference to someone watching Dylan then making a phone call, and save an explanation for later.

The phrase you are looking for to describe the theater is 'an old single-screen'

This is excellent: Dylan did something
the man did not expect. He[Dylan] bit his arm.

The man watching fits nicely at the end of this chapter, after the action is over.


Trim:
coming out of a restaurant
after enjoying a evening meal
The description on the 'Show Bird' – too much detail there that isn't part of the story you are telling.
Dylan knew this but called out the instructions any
way.


Chapter 2:
“Deeper trouble with the police” – here is where a voice in the back of my head starts to scream out 'What? How?' Tampering with evidence before the police get there? B&E? Talking to witnesses before the police did?

“in site” should be “in sight”

Can a minor sign something like that, without parents? Mmm... now I'm just curious.

Continuity: Wouldn't an agent be able to arrange to talk to Dylan on-site?

I dunno about Dylan, but if in a non-threatening situation someone said 'you won't be harmed' my threat-level would go up a notch.

Trim:
He recognize her voice …
The next time everyone seen Dylan again, he would have somehow
changed.
Trim Bond and Alex Rider explanations.

YARG:

Gregory Hart, http://www.authonomy.com/books/34025/dylan-knight-rush-against-time/

I liked the idea of a fifteen year old crime fighter. Starting the story with action was a great hook for me.

Not sure so much description was needed for the movie theater. Maybe a comment about how it was a historical building, brought back to life, pleasing old movie fans…

I have not read past the first chapter; however I felt a little let down being told Dylan was being tested. I think it would have been cool if we learned that later. I think it could have been made into an “Ah!” moment.

I noticed a POV shift from Dylan to the attacker. That doesn’t bother me, but it would a lot of editors.

Overall it’s easy to read and I am interested in how the story unfolds.

Dylan Knight: Rush Against Time
A YARG review

Love the idea of a teenaged boy fighting crime...should definitely appeal to YA readers! Great way of introducing the story, with plenty of action by the end of chapter one. Just had to read on.

Some things I noticed:
You state the teacher had to go back to work because her retirement dwindled. Most teachers (US anyway) live off a pension, not 401k's. They don't dwindle, and are usually about 80% of the average of the last three years worked. BUT, often when a retired teacher goes back, they keep receiving their pension as well as a salary. So maybe you could make it that she needed more money for something?

I noticed a few instances of verbs not agreeing, for example, 'They meet again during lunch and would travel home together after school.' Should be 'they would meet.'

There were some shifts in POV that occurred unexpectedly, like when Jacob and Dylan were walking home after the swim meet and suddenly, we're in the man's head instead. I think that the paragraph talking about them leaving the swim meet and asking permission to celebrate afterwards can be dropped entirely, and start instead with the man watching them leave the swim meet.

I wondered at the intentions of Veritos, when they'd be willing to frighten and perhaps permanently scar an innocent kid to test out a candidate. I think maybe it would be a better test of Dylan's abilities to present him with a stranger (who would be an actor) in trouble, one he has no ties to, since if he'd be willing to put his life on the line for a stranger, that would make him a better candidate. Just my opinion, of course.

There is some work that needs to be done with editing, but the story is solid, and I enjoyed what I read. Think this might be a winner!

Best of luck to you!
Emily

Good story. Needs a bit of polishing.
I really liked this metaphor:
"Jessica Fletcher moods"
I like the name of the movie theatre as well. Here's two small typos:
"Dylan seen this..." Should be "saw"
"The one thing the owner wouldn't show was any movie at least five years old." Based upon the next sentence, should be "less than five years old."
Good luck!
Georgia, from KY!

A YARG Review.

I like the way you chose to start your story which makes it really interesting as the action is right in there already from the moment your first sentence is done. This types of story about young kids having a life that is entertaining as the adults are of real interest to young kids which is why i think this will be another one for their special pile of collection.

So far after I must say i like the sound of read that this book has as it's really interesting and action gripping. I shall continue to read on and will return to give the full book feedback. Very promising thus far! Keep it Up

YARG Review

Hi Greg,

I've finally had the chance to have a look at your writing.


This starts right in the action - which is always a good thing.

"One stayed behind, he was smaller than Dylan."...sounds a bit awkward. Maybe say "His team mates walked past him as they headed out the door, the coach following behind them. All but one, who stayed behind."..no need to tell us at this point that the guy is smaller than Dylan.

I also would suggest reallocating the description of Dylan so that it doesn't follow directly after you've already called our attention to Jacob. It's a bit jarring because you introduce a new character but then you suddenly pan back to Dylan to describe his looks before panning back to Jacob.

Perhaps put it here:

'"Yes, sir," said Dylan in between gasps of air. He was tall, lean and muscular - a perfect example of a swimmer's body. His dark eyes were the color of sapphire and the bangs on his otherwise cropped hair swept over his forehead, touching his eyebrows. His coach walked past him as he headed out the door and his team mates followed behind him. All but one, who stayed behind.

Jacob stood in front of Dylan and looked up at him.'

Something like this would flow better.

Change "the boy" to Jacob.

I like the introduction of the strange man that's watching them. It brings an element of suspense and mystery to the first chapter. Having said that, I now think the story should probably start at "Jacob and Dylan were leaving the changing room..." This already cements them as friends and quickly brings the man into the picture, increasing the suspense manifold. You can easily work in the description of Dylan into this section.

"He was in his late thirties to early forties. Taller than Dylan and was in great physical condition." Exchange the period after forties with a comma and lowercase taller.


"Jacob was the closest to the alleyway than Dylan, who was next to the street with two cars passing by." Think of another way to describe Jacob standing close to the alleyway...as it currently stands, you're telling.

"All of the sudden..." all of a sudden

"Jacob quickly yelped out just before the attacker covered his mouth but not fast enough to keep Dylan from hearing." Jacob quickly yelped before the attacker covered his mouth.

Remove the "but not fast enough to keep..." bit - that's telling. We already see from Dylan's reaction in the next paragraph that he hears Jacob's yelp.

"Dylan immediately he had a knife at Jacob's throat..." confusing phrase.

"He could see the fear in his friend's face as he was being dragged away by the stranger." Remove the bit that follows - repetition and telling "It was the plea in Jacob's eyes which made Dylan act without hesitation."

"As he began to act"...telling. Just say "Dylan clenched his fists as a flash of anger rose within him. His breath came in short spurts and he inhaled deeply to calm himself. He knew that if he wanted to safely get Jacob out of harm's way, he had to do it with a clear head."
Instead of saying what he's about to do, show us more reaction. Is he breaking a sweat? Is his heart throbbing? Is he feeling the adrenalin rush through his body? Is he shaking with fear? More descriptive action/reaction means less telling.

"As the man was looking behind him, watching where he was going..." As the man looked behind him to see where he was going...

"His hands went to his groin and fell to his knees." and he fell to his knees.

"Dylan seen this..." Dylan saw this

"...when he seen a boy running out of it..." when he saw

"Once again, Dylan had met his expectations. Monday, when Dylan was at school, the man would approach Dylan and secretly ask him to join the group..." too many Dylans, change the third one to him.

Overall the premise of the book is interesting but you need to go over the story and have a good look at the structuring of some of your sentences and some grammar points (particularly using and, comma and period...there are places where your sentences are not complete, making them hanging phrases). Also, don't be afraid to show the emotional/mental/ physical reactions of your characters when they're confronted with situations. It would greatly enrich your story.
With a thorough series of edits this could be very promising.

Great first chapter, nicely done.

A couple of things you might consider at your next edit.

The description of his eyes as sapphire twice so close, you might change one.

It also spawned several books by the same name. --nothing wrong with the sentence, I just question if a fifteen year old would says this.

As soon as he was released, he was already gone. -- The "already" seems superfluous.

Best
Bill

HAKTAW HEART

YARG

Review//Dylan Knight:Rush Against Time//Gregory A Hart

This is my second time reviewing this book and in my original review, I agreed to stay at a three star. It’s been at least a month and a half since then, so I’m going in expecting some good revisions. So far in the first chapter, you haven’t changed a lot so I will not re-critique those portions. I do like, however, the early dialogue exchange where Jacob addresses Dylan’s crime fighting escapades was entertaining. Dylan offering to help for the surprise part was a little bizarre, but there’s nothing wrong with that. I do believe you need to go ahead and address “the boy” as Jacob, because unless we are to assume that someone is narrating this story without knowing what’s going on, it seems odd that Dylan wouldn’t immediately recognize that he is being talked to by “Jacob.”
The POV shift when the two boys go to the movies is a little jarring. I would either end the first chapter at “permission” or add a second space before switching to the POV of “the man.” You even did so at the end of the “the man” shift. Just go up there add that space and it’ll flow smoother.
“The ones our grandparents used to go to.” The only time it is kosher to break the fourth wall is when you are writing in first person or spending the entire novel breaking the fourth wall. Be weary of author intrusion. It’s a good descriptive tool, but I’d reword it. I’d even allow the description of “The Show Bird” to be split up into some small exchanges between Jacob and Dylan. It’s all about flow.
“Causing him to see stars.” Once again you’ve changed POV as you’ve inserted the reader into the mind of the attacker. You need to focus on what Dylan sees in these situations. He would hope that is how the guy felt, but he doesn’t actually know. So, a better way to present this image is to make the attacker take on a “dazed” appearance. The point would hit home a little harder. Same goes for “The stars could clear.” There aren’t really stars, so I’d say before the guy could fight back, Dylan kicked him square in the groin, dropping him to his knees. I can see some noticeable, yet subtle, changes you made from your original draft and I’m at least impressed with the effort. On to Chapter 2…

As a character trait, I’m quite curious if Dylan would have contacted the police at all. As a teenager who’s become obsessed with solving crimes on his own, I’d think he’d like to hush it all up and take matters into his own hands. You obviously know more about him than I would—just something to think about. The opening sentences seem redundant. The police can’t find him because only an idiot would stick around in the same place he committed the crime--especially in a street in front of a movie theater after being destroyed by a teenager. If the police still need to be involved, try “To make things worse, the police couldn’t find a person that matched Dylan’s description of the attacker. He was gone without a trace.” There is a common problem with your story and the word “seem.” Every time the word “seem” appears it is misused on the tense level. I’d make this a priority for corrections.
“The start of the school day was like any other…” You go from there to reading off what will happen to Dylan by the end of the day on a normal day. Let’s just stick with the start. It’ll flow into your next paragraph.
“And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.” This goes back to the adventurous side of Dylan and my suggestion that he wouldn’t want the cops involved. I think someone was active as Dylan would want to know who this guy worked for and why such a strange man was here to see him, albeit one with a GUN in a SCHOOL. “Where do I sign up?” proves my point.
I like that your characters are aware of the pop culture around them such as Jessica Fletcher and Alex Rider. It grounds your story into reality and has a nice tongue and cheek value directed at your obvious genre peers (minus Jessica Fletcher). John Talbert has a nasty habit of hijacking your POVs. Watch out for that character, he’s a real flow disruptor. I also have a problem with what he is thinking. It was a favorite amongst recruits in the 90s? Just the 90s? James Bond has been around for more than half a century. You draw the references out too long. One sentence is enough to drill the point home.

Some general complaints that are easy to fix is how your characters say everything straight up. It’s important when writing dialogue that we as people do not say everything that is on our minds. Equally, it is an effective tool for creating suspense. It’d be a neat element for John Tolbert to withhold the information of Dylan’s recruitment via the “attacker.” One of the key elements that’ll push your readers from chapter to chapter is them having questions that need to be answered. So far, I have few questions. It’s just something to think about. I will, however, bump my star rating to four, because I can see a lot of improvement, but there’s still a long way to go. Keep writing.

I will look into the first two chapters regaurding the POV.
Chpt. One
To answer you question, Dylan's character knows when to handle things on his own and when not to. Like any murder mystery books or any mystery books, like murder she wrote, the main character always has a run in with some law enforcement, whether it be local or federal. That is always a given. Then that main character will either work with them or behind their backs, sometimes both.

as for the attacker scene, i will look into it some what. the reason why I put in what I did is not whay you think. Dylan does not ask these questions because, he does not yet know about the government agent or his plans for him. As far as Dylan was concerned, it was a random act of violence towards Jacob. The issue of the attacker dissappearing, it is supposed to be a surprise to dylan because he thought that he kicked him hard enough to keep him there long enough for the police to arrive. With enough force, when hit in the groin, can put a guy out for awhile or send him to the hospital.

Chapter two,
Again Dylan's actions. Yes, Dylan is active but at the same time he is cautious and doesn't want to jump the gun (sort of speak). Sure Dylan wants to join Veritos but at the same time he has his reservations about the man. I do see where you are trying to go with this.
The james Bond refrence about the 90's, @ my school during the 90's elementary school. We didn't have books like the Alex Rider series and had to rely on was the movies. During that time it was james bond and nothing but james bond and I can't remember nothing before 1990 (born in 84. 84 - 90 was a and is a complete blur). If memory serves, writers often draw on experences in their life to help them write what they have to say in their books.
I remember your first review well because you compared it to the Alex Rider series. I believe you said 'Looks like another booked penned after the Anthony Horowitz's books, Alex Rider.' Or something simular to that. In some areas of his books, Mr. Horowitz has a break of flow, putting in a secondary POV. Granted, he didn't do this all the time, but none-the-less added it. Read the last of Scorpia Rising, he puts a point of view of a guard sitting next to Alex as he dies.
Last of all, you said that you had questions, What are they? I want to know if they are simular to mine when I wanted them asked. As for these questions, there are more in the book if you read further on past chpt. 3.
And yes, i do know there there's still more to do. There are people who write books and don't even try to get published until years later. For instance, J.K. Rowling. she worked on her first Harry Potter book before actually finishing it and send it out to agents for publishing. Yes, I still have a long way wys to go before the final product is complete.

Thank you for your comment and hopefully what I said gives you more sight into Dylan's Character. I will try to put what i said into the story, if I can.

It's definitely tighter and although there are a few grammatical errors (am the same way)the imagery is stronger.
The only thing that really jumps out as a negative is the amount of times you've used his name. In the last paragraph there were five with two in one sentence. Last paragraph:

The man instinctively grimaced as he watched Dylan launch another kick, this time at his attacker's groin. The boy had met his expectations and passed the final test. Monday, he would ask him to make a final commitment - to join the group.

I'm not saying I'm any better but do feel less is more - now I wish I could follow my own advise:/ Hope this is helpful.

Debs

YARG

Review//Dylan Knight:Rush Against Time//Gregory A Hart

This is my second time reviewing this book and in my original review, I agreed to stay at a three star. It’s been at least a month and a half since then, so I’m going in expecting some good revisions. So far in the first chapter, you haven’t changed a lot so I will not re-critique those portions. I do like, however, the early dialogue exchange where Jacob addresses Dylan’s crime fighting escapades was entertaining. Dylan offering to help for the surprise part was a little bizarre, but there’s nothing wrong with that. I do believe you need to go ahead and address “the boy” as Jacob, because unless we are to assume that someone is narrating this story without knowing what’s going on, it seems odd that Dylan wouldn’t immediately recognize that he is being talked to by “Jacob.”
The POV shift when the two boys go to the movies is a little jarring. I would either end the first chapter at “permission” or add a second space before switching to the POV of “the man.” You even did so at the end of the “the man” shift. Just go up there add that space and it’ll flow smoother.
“The ones our grandparents used to go to.” The only time it is kosher to break the fourth wall is when you are writing in first person or spending the entire novel breaking the fourth wall. Be weary of author intrusion. It’s a good descriptive tool, but I’d reword it. I’d even allow the description of “The Show Bird” to be split up into some small exchanges between Jacob and Dylan. It’s all about flow.
“Causing him to see stars.” Once again you’ve changed POV as you’ve inserted the reader into the mind of the attacker. You need to focus on what Dylan sees in these situations. He would hope that is how the guy felt, but he doesn’t actually know. So, a better way to present this image is to make the attacker take on a “dazed” appearance. The point would hit home a little harder. Same goes for “The stars could clear.” There aren’t really stars, so I’d say before the guy could fight back, Dylan kicked him square in the groin, dropping him to his knees. I can see some noticeable, yet subtle, changes you made from your original draft and I’m at least impressed with the effort. On to Chapter 2…

As a character trait, I’m quite curious if Dylan would have contacted the police at all. As a teenager who’s become obsessed with solving crimes on his own, I’d think he’d like to hush it all up and take matters into his own hands. You obviously know more about him than I would—just something to think about. The opening sentences seem redundant. The police can’t find him because only an idiot would stick around in the same place he committed the crime--especially in a street in front of a movie theater after being destroyed by a teenager. If the police still need to be involved, try “To make things worse, the police couldn’t find a person that matched Dylan’s description of the attacker. He was gone without a trace.” There is a common problem with your story and the word “seem.” Every time the word “seem” appears it is misused on the tense level. I’d make this a priority for corrections.
“The start of the school day was like any other…” You go from there to reading off what will happen to Dylan by the end of the day on a normal day. Let’s just stick with the start. It’ll flow into your next paragraph.
“And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.” This goes back to the adventurous side of Dylan and my suggestion that he wouldn’t want the cops involved. I think someone was active as Dylan would want to know who this guy worked for and why such a strange man was here to see him, albeit one with a GUN in a SCHOOL. “Where do I sign up?” proves my point.
I like that your characters are aware of the pop culture around them such as Jessica Fletcher and Alex Rider. It grounds your story into reality and has a nice tongue and cheek value directed at your obvious genre peers (minus Jessica Fletcher). John Talbert has a nasty habit of hijacking your POVs. Watch out for that character, he’s a real flow disruptor. I also have a problem with what he is thinking. It was a favorite amongst recruits in the 90s? Just the 90s? James Bond has been around for more than half a century. You draw the references out too long. One sentence is enough to drill the point home.

Some general complaints that are easy to fix is how your characters say everything straight up. It’s important when writing dialogue that we as people do not say everything that is on our minds. Equally, it is an effective tool for creating suspense. It’d be a neat element for John Tolbert to withhold the information of Dylan’s recruitment via the “attacker.” One of the key elements that’ll push your readers from chapter to chapter is them having questions that need to be answered. So far, I have few questions. It’s just something to think about. I will, however, bump my star rating to four, because I can see a lot of improvement, but there’s still a long way to go. Keep writing.

I found the Alex Rider reference cute. I haven't read the books or seen the movie but know Alex Pettyfer was in it. I like that Dylan was protective of his friend and what the test did to Jacob.

I found the Alex Rider reference cute. I haven't read the books or seen the movie but know Alex Pettyfer was in it. I like that Dylan was protective of his friend and what the test did to Jacob.

My overall impression is that these are very, very good edits. You meant business going in their polishing this up! I noticed that it was a tighter read, that everything flowed well as far as wording. There weren't any awkward sentences or anything that appeared to repetitive. The only thing that really perked my ears up was when you describe Dylan as being muscular. In round about way you do this twice. You say his friend is muscular like Dylan, and then you actually describe Dylan as muscular. This is just a very little thing, and I think it is fine as is. However, I know I would want this pointed out to me. If you read over it, you'll catch it. You did a great job! I'm really impressed.

Best,

Ashley