Wolves of David

Hi Desni

Apologies for the late return read.

Your pitch I liked, though it felt a little long winded in the second paragraph as some of the sentences seemed a bit long. I found it hard to keep track of the sentence ‘Aside from...’ though personally that’s because I like short, snappy pitches more than anything. May be something to think about.

I liked your opening. Elianna is clearly a very strong character and I liked the descriptions of the other Wolves. There are some sentences that seemed a little off, not nothing overly so. My suggestion would be to read the MS aloud and that way they should stick out more. For me, the last line of the first chapter seemed a bit...I dunno what the word is. I personally find it more of an impact when a memory kind of pops out as opposed to us being led to it. My personal preference would have been to delete the last sentence and then go into the next chapter cold as the last sentence reminds me of those TV shows and films where you’d get the weird visuals to signify lapsing into a memory. Sorry if this doesn’t make much sense, I’m not sure how to explain it properly! So far though, the story is engaging and I want to know more about Elianna.

OK so chapter 2. Personally found this hard to read from the point of view that it’s all in italics. I had that in my book too for the female character and in the end I changed it as it jars the eyes if it’s a particularly long entry.

You do have some grammatical errors, for example, ‘the moonlight shined’, I would say that ‘shone’ reads better. You also have some repetition in the first paragraph that could be reduced – specifically ‘night’ and ‘silent’ That being said, you do have a poetic quality to your writing which is shining more in this second chapter than the first. There were some conflicts for me though, such as the line ‘as young children the thought of death eluded them’ because you later then say ‘the expectations of being an orphan stung them’. Though I like this chapter, it feels like an initial outpouring that needs to be refined – and I mean no offence with that at all because it’s a nice chapter. Just feel like it could be refined a touch. I’m assuming that the oldest girl is Elianna? I can’t help but feel a little detached as much as I like it. It feels very description orientated which is great, as it allows the reader to really picture things in their mind, but I struggled to really let my heart get fully involved. This I think is something that could be worked on – whether it’s in first person, or staying in third but from one child’s perspective. Just an idea. Otherwise, it’s a good chapter and a powerful memory to plant in the mind of the reader.

I’ve noticed that you use ‘rather’ where my mind automatically reads ‘whether’. For example in chapter 3, ‘she needed fortification and love, rather she confessed to it or not’ – this sentence doesn’t seem to make sense to me with the use of ‘rather’ but would with ‘whether’. There was also an example of this in the first chapter.

‘F***ing General’ – I don’t get this. If you’re going to swear in a book, you may as well just spell it out (in my honest opinion). It loses its impact otherwise. If it’s that you don’t feel comfortable writing it then I wouldn’t put it in at all. If it’s that Hugo is not the type to swear, then you could always substitute it for something else, or just say ‘effing’.

Chapter 4, you have a load of exclamation marks that I don’t think are needed. I read somewhere that you should aim to have no more than 5 throughout your novel, as the anger/surprise etc should be conveyed through dialogue, description etc alone – which I think it is. I have to say, I expected Erianna to be younger than 17 at this time. There were small things that I would have thought a girl at 17 would know about – such as what an Aryan was – though I could be wrong here.

I don’t have time to read anymore, but I like what I’ve read. The story is unfolding nicely and Erianna is so far a nicely rounded character. I did feel at times that the Wolves adoration of her was a bit much, but given that she’s their leader this is understandable. In terms of your writing – like I said, it has a very poetic slant to it, which is nice. I do think it could be refined though. Other than that, I enjoyed the read.

Good luck!

Silva
x

Desni

First, please understand that I am not an expert just a reader so anything I say should be ignored if it doesn't fit with how you see your writing. That said ...

This is a very powerful story. I am impressed with your ambition and vision, and with the way you frame your scenes within vivid imagery. I did, however, find some issues with your sentence structure and phrasing. My recommendation is that you adopt the tried and tested technique of reading your work out loud to identify places where you can improve the flow and rhythm of your prose.

Looking at your first few paragraphs, for example:

The sentence that begins "Each leaf was crinkled ..." is awkward to read and - I think - also unnecessary. Certainly at the very start of your first chapter, you need to be as close to perfect as possible and this sentence isn't. My recommendation would actually be to remove it.

Similarly, the phrase "Blood from his men was plastered" might read more easily as "The blood of his men was plastered". I'm not clever enough to explain why this is - and it's only one opinion - but when I read your words aloud, my mind stumbled here. And when I tried my suggested version, it flowed more easily.

One final example: "... weapons were equipped on the men's attire along with dark green or black uniforms." I know what you mean here, but I don't think you're saying it clearly enough. To me, "attire" is clothing - so you are saying that they were wearing clothes that were equipped with both weapons AND uniforms. I assume you mean they were wearing the uniforms and carrying the weapons?

It's strange, but as I read on beyond your opening paragraphs I found less instances where my brain stopped me reading for a moment while it thought its way through a sentence, so perhaps I just needed some time to get used to your style but I do strongly recommend reading outloud.

I also suggest that you consider joining one of the popular crit groups on the site. I think either the Brutal Honesty group or the Historical Fiction group. If you are interested in either let me know and I will find the forum thread for you.

Again, this is impressive but I think it needs the final polish before it's ready truly to shine.

I hope this helps

Sincerely

Evie

Desni, your pitches gripped my attention in no time and I knew I’d love to read Wolves of David. Your way of depicting the torture is awesome, very truthful. So Elianna kills Markus, the descriptions are so detailed and vivid I hope I won’t have nightmares. Towards the end of chapter 3 we know she has qualms about killing the Obergruppenfuhrer, this is interesting. Wolves are cool – I definitely want to know more about them. Especially loved your description of Hugo Conrad - an intimidating character. The memories in Chapter 2 are really intense, you are good at showing the horrors of that time. In Chapter 3 I loved the dialogues, but I’m going to mention this in my email to you :)

Six stars! Excellent!
Ivan Amberlake

interesting idea [though a hint of 'dog soldiers']. none the the less your book is intellegent and written with skill and originality...
l have placed this on my bookshelf...
read SEASONS...

Hello a v ery interesting debut and welcome to Authonomy . To reconstruct warfare of the past is very difficult , but you're making a tremendous effort here. Unfortunatley , when you venture into this area you are bound to attract knowitalls such as myself - firstly Oberstgruppenfuhrer Markus Burke - where does that come from? Obviously the name Burke is as Irish as 'a fiddlers bitch' (excuse my language) , but I know the Germans did try to recruit from Irish prisoners of war , of which there were a large number. Also, (sorry), Buchenwald was not an extermination camp , but a concentration camp where most inmates worked until they died. Extermination camps were Treblinka, Belzec, Maidainek, Chelmno , Sobibor and to some extent Auschwitz , which was also a labour camp.I think you have made a very good debut - would you be so kind as to look at my novel 'A Buccaneer', which is an histroical, adventure, romance which includes lost love, the Great Plague Of London , Sir Henry Morgan , the attack on Panama 1671, a five handed duel , Spanish ladies and much more, with best wishes, Strachan Gordon

This is one of my favorite time periods to read about. With very little effort, you hooked me right away.

I like how she specifies the difference between German soldiers and Nazis. It's a necessary lesson for many who are unaware that not every German at the time supported the Nazis.

You've done a good job with the characters. Their reactions and convictions were believable. You also did a good job of making Markus semi-sympathetic despite his misplaced allegiance.

It was fascinating to see the roles reversed in this opening. We've all read about the Nazis and their famous cruelty, but here we get to see them put in their place by the Wolves. Fascinating.

Wow. Nice building of tension prior to her shooting Markus in the head. Powerful scene.

Nice hook at the end of the first chapter. It made me curious as to how she ended up in this situation, and I wanted to know if her memory would reveal any of that.

Suggestions: I love the opening paragraph, except the sentence starting, "Each leaf was crinkled..." just didn't sound right to me. The paragraph holds up without it. In fact, if you cut it, it leaves the reader curious as to why there is so much blood on the forest floor. You use quite a bit of telling and a little bit of passive voice in this opening. Your writing would be stronger if these were changed. Let me know if you need examples. I'd be happy to help. Careful with repetition of words. You use "staring" in one sentence and "stared" in the sentence that follows it. Also, "feet" twice in one sentence. I'd comb through this and cut any adverbs that don't add any value to your narrative. Your writing is strong enough without them, and right now they're slowing down the pace of your story. In fact, there's a lot you can do to tighten this. For example: "...shooting Markus right in the foot" could simply be "...shooting him in the foot." Comb through and cut any extra, unnecessary words.

Typos: The semi-colon is misused in the sentence starting, " Only three of his men..." An independent clause needs to follow a semi-colon. You have some issues with perspective. Whose head are we in? In the opening chapter we jump back and forth between Markus and Elianna, and it was a bit jarring. Should be: "Elianna picked up the rifle..." Don't let those prepositions dangle at the end of your sentences. Should be: "cowered" not "coward." Should be: "She ground her teeth together."

This is a great start to a powerful story. With a bit of editing and polish, this will be even stronger. Good job!

This is superb so far and if you check out my book you will see that I too have written about the second world war. This reads like it could be true. You are a talented writer who has obviously done your homework. KUDOs for a job well done. You have uploaded a substantial amount of the novel so I will return for more later and comment as it strikes me. Fondly, Henry

I like the character of Elianna alot! She is strong and unusual. I have not read a story like this told from that perspective before. Your first paragraph is unnecessarily wordy and it's unfortunate because I almost stopped reading - I was also very turned off by the blood and gore so oon in the narrative. But the rest of your story is written pretty well. You create tension and drama nicely and you made we want to read more.
The narrative in chapter two was a bit more typical and I didn't understand the flashback and its connection to Buchenwald because the camp is not mentioned. I am assuming this is Elianna remembering but because you don't yet mention the camp itself in the memory it is a bit unclear. But chapter 3 had me hooked in again.

So in general I think you have a good premise for a story here. I would work on tightening up the language and working that vision better into the story - giving it a bit more background etc. and explaining who the wolves are a bit better - is Elianna the only Jewish one among them? I was unsure about that.

Anyhow you can take my comments with a grain of salt if you want, but I did enjoy reading this. I will perhaps return to read more when I can.

Would love it if you found the time to check out my novel when you get a chance.

All the best,

Rena

I do love the fact that Elianna so nearly shares my name! :D Made it all the easier for me to enjoy a story about me, although I was quite a ruthless thing! Most of it's stuff I've already written a lot today - basic punctuation, breaking long sentences up a little. As usual, a quick proof read out loud to find pauses needed, or in your head if you have the imagination. Just watch out for things like in the last paragraph of chapter 1 - life and lifetime are very nearly the same words, very close together.
The historical elements give a lot to this story. I did enjoy this book very much, and will come back to finish reading it. Highly rated, well deserved.

I've just read through the rest of the first chapter. You tend to use some adverbs unneccessarily, and I think in places the words can be tightened a little? What I have done is really go through my work and ask "why is this bit necessary" with kind of most of the words... yeah, long process... Anyway, nice engaging story, I like it, and have starred you. !! :)

Hey Desni, nice writing. I read through the first bit... and then I wondered... Can you "show" us the fight that just happened previously? If you start your book with action in the first line, show us this fight, show the leaves scattering, rather than just sitting on the ground... then this may be a better hook for your readers. I wish you all the best for success with your novel, Thanks heaps for sharing !! :)

Interesting view of the last days of the Third Reich. I am not bothered about all the differing 'POV''s. A reader can soon work things out and anyway books are published all the time where these so-called rules are broken. Starred, regards, Mark

Desni,
Chapter one comes off quite well, IMO, immediately engaging and then gripping. I have rarely read works that work with a multiple POV having no breaks, but this worked for me. I was attracted by your pitch and the premise, enjoyed the first chapter, having become intrigued with Elianna, and I look forward to reading more. With the aim of offering constructive crticism, here are some nits:
The opening paragraph is good, but I feel as if it isn't yet reaching its full potential and suggest you consider how you might better phrase these key opening lines. Of course this is subjective, but I feel, considering your evident talent, that this could be improved.
I didn't get how her uniform 'matched her smile.' Perhaps this bit could be omitted, seeing that it might pull others from the fine prose and description.
His hair gelled back. Did they use that expression (gelled) back then? I'm thinking slicked back might seem more in line with the era.
There's a typo with 'responding with simple a smile.' simply, right?
Lastly, taking lives of the men who--how about: of the men who should not have been born? who have not proved worthy of life? worthy of being a human being? part of the human race?
Okay, just nits, but I am highly impressed with this work so far and only mention the nits with the aim of being helpful.
I will come back to read more and will rate then. WLd.
Best,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)