Nymph's Heart

A Nymph's Heart.

Chapter 4.

'He's a fucking priest for God(s) sake.' - Typo in brackets.

'...the shape seemed familiar to her...' - consider using Luisa's name here, as the description of the truck's progress is tacked inbetween a conversation Jack and Pepe are having, which Luisa, up to this point, has taken little part in.

Chapter 5.

Commented on when reading Tequesta.

Chapter 6.

Liked the description of the mural - likewise the phantom Tequesta paddling his canoe.

'...through a quarter inch of hair...' - this seems awkward to me - maybe - she tossed the wig onto the turtle's sculpted head, and ran her fingers through hair, no more than a quarter of an inch in length? Also, is this a different wig? Camille was wearing a blond one the night before.

'...posing for an imaginary camera.' - Not sure what's happened to the beginning of the next sentence, but something appears to be missing.

'...damp fabric(,) conquered Camille's mind. - Typo in brackets.

A Nymph's Heart.

Chapter 3.

'The young looking woman spoke...' - young-looking.

'...oath unto God...' - I think I've commented on something similiar already - blasphemy or profanity might convey more clearly what is meant.

'The girl drew near.' - It sound as if it's her who says, 'sorry padre' - maybe consider dropping this dialogue onto the next line to make it apparent Camille says this.

'Pardon me, Sir...' - pardon me, sir...

'Camille grabbed the girl by her lithe arm...' - Don't think you need to mention how lithe the girl is - grabbed one of the girl's arms works, considering a reader finds out the girl is about seventeen a little later.

'Camille laughed for the second time tonight.' - Tonight is out of place as it's not a first person narrative - second time that night?

'...pulled a flask out from near her garter belt.' - If the flask's not in her garter belt, what's holding it in place? Another thought, were garter belts invented in 1926? I have an image in my mind of garters with stocking tops rolled over them, on each leg.

'...the wake splashed...' - The wake is behind - the wash splashed...?

',,,the exhaust blinded them...' - Think something's missing here - smoke from the exhaust? - I'm having a few doubts about the dinghy. Being English, I'm sort of thinking 1926 is the beginning of the Art Deco period. Steam ships etc in operation, but were smaller vessels around? Worth researching.

Miami
Jack. 
What a fabulous yarn you are spinning! I am on chapter 12 (autho 11) and would easily read on, and will once I reduce my back reads; although this spot, with the story of Jack and Breeze being possessed, is a hard place to stop. 
This is obviously getting to the desk and far beyond. It is intricate and exciting. But it is also demanding. All in all, I will say that the main element that I find lacking is character development. As I mentioned to you earlier, I feel that it has been sacrificed a wee bit for plot, and this has the effect of making the characters feel a bit hollow to me. This is too bad, because it is the piece that the puzzle lacks to be whole. I would recommend that you consider building the characters a bit more in the early chapters in order to help the book become richer. Mind, I think that this book will do well whether or not you do this, but I think you have the potential of something very special here.
Hook and Plot- I must be getting older, because I actually found the premise of this book hook enough for me. That is, the very fact that it starts with a dig in Miami and the fountain of youth is supposed to be down there somewhere hooked me immediately. This is rarely the case for me, and I usually demand a strong early hook from books that I comment on.
So I challenged myself, and found that, were it not for this fact, the first real hook for me does not come for me until chapt 7 (autho 6) with it's eerily portentous tone. This, I think, has a bit to do with the fact that the chapters before this introduce characters but, again, lack a bit in development. Nevertheless, the premise hook works well for me, and carries me throughout to chapter 7.
As far as plot is concerned, part of what makes this book so successful for me so far is that it gets away with setting up three distinct plot lines very well. The archeological digs and Luisa's showing up the site manager, Ana and Camille,  Pedro Martinez and the conquest of Florida. 
Character development: As I said earlier, the character development leaves me a bit wanting. Luisa has lost her memory, which is so very intriguing, but we see her struggle only from a distance. Camille, Camille, seems like such a wonderfully interesting character, but you keep her at arm's length. Anna, so strange, so sudden, the cigarette girl turn lover of a goddess... in fact, I found that the best developed characters were the ones from the 16th century timeline. In part this may be because there is a lot of baggage that comes with them, being such powerful historical figures. But, I have a feeling that as an archeologist, you fancy these personalities more than the others.
What you do bring across is a sense of mystery, particularly to the characters in the 1920's timeline. The spirit of Miami, such a young city, really owes a lot to this period, and you did a wonderful job incarnating it in the character of Camille and, to some extent, Anna and Jack.
Ambiance- This is another very strong point of the book. The three periods are very well defined and very compelling. I felt the uncomfortable heat and blaring sun as Luisa spoke to the tourists, the warm nights and silky water with Camille as she dove off the boat into the waters to retrieve the treasure, and the mosquito infested wilderness as the conquistadores attempted to convert the damned souls. The slight fright that I felt as I read about the spaniards in over their heads was enough to put me at the edge of my seat.
I mentioned to you earlier some nit-picks. I will not repeat them. I think it is very important that the modern scene be very clear, as the excavation is a bit confusing. Another small issue was the capsizing of the sail boat- it happens very quickly and with very little circumstance. This scene I felt that you could describe a bit better.
I will read further when I have more time and leave more comments. As I said, this is an excellent read and it will do well. I do think that you can make it shine even more with a bit of polish, which it definitely merits.
All the best,
Maeve

Wow! I've looked at your book several times and saw that it was on one hundred bookshelves but I didn't read any of it until today. Now I understand why so many people are backing it. This is one of the most exciting, action-packed books I've read on Authonomy. I'm only up to chapter six but it's obvious this is going to be the kind of story that could easily turned into a blockbuster movie.

Your writing is professional, easy to read, fast-moving, and thoroughly entertaining. I like the way you move back and forth between time periods, creating multiple stories and settings. It gives the story a breadth that you don't find very often.

I'll be back to read more and find out what happens to all the characters.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

'Miami'.

Just finished all seventy one chapters and boy, was this ever a whirlwind of a book. From the first paragraph I was hooked and right through to the end the action never stops. Well written, publishable with only a brush of the editor's feather to address some spellings that may be the author's preference, and rewarding to any reader who is worthy of the description. A memorable book in every way.

From the perspective of a native Floridian, albeit only since the 1850's and mostly from the Shell People's side of the isthmus, the underlying story is both plausible and believable since the Spanish monarchy's greed for territory and the yellow metal has caused more than a measurable amount of grief wherever in the Americas they managed to infest the local peoples. I feel the consternation that must have reigned for the Tequesta during the time period discussed and at their penultimate horror as the black robes forced conversions at the point of a sword without any regard for local beliefs.( A ancient, and time honored technique of Holy Mother Church by the way, dating to well before the founding of 'The Holy Office For The Inquisition'.)

Fountain of Youth in Miami, interesting. I always thought that it might have been Green Cove Spring where the blue waters flow continuously and out into the St, John's River to this very day. Miami though. That is certainly a whole new animal that will take some thought.

But is not the simple purity of the hammocks and sloughs, the swamps and the forests, the beaches and the rough places the true fountain? Is not La Florida itself the Fountain of Youth? I know that I have no plans to grow old...never did.

On the Juan Ponce thing...I have always believed that he was rotting happily in Puerto Rico, which, at the very least is far, far away. Now I am not so sure.

Magnificently done William, all three hundred and seventy years of it. RT

Only finished the first chapter so far but what a read. It's well written and sets the rest of the story up nicely for the unfolding plot. I can't wait to find out the significance of the Jesuit skeleton.

Best seller right here

A Nymph's Heart.

Chapter 46.

'Not me, Dummy.' Anastasia DeMint - not sure if Jack says Ana's name as there are no speech marks, but it is on the same line - or - does the name suddely flash into Luisa's mind? Then more confusion as someone says, 'she sill in love with you.' - consider tidying this passage up, so a reader knows who, or what, is saying this.

'Fucking nymph.' - Consider using a capital letter every time you use Nymph.

Chapter 47.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 48.

'Men haven't changed...' - I'd extend 'the last eighty years' to - never.

Chapter 49.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 50.

'...the partiers...' - party-goers - people partying?

Chapter 51.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 52.

Repetition of SE 2nd Avenue.

'well dug' - 'well buried' - 'well from the records' - a lot of 'well' in close proximity.

Chapter 53.

No nits.

Chapter 54.

Commented via Tequesta. In all of the previous chapters you've headred them with a date, but haven't with this one.

Chapter 55.

No nits.

Chapter 56.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 57.

No nits.

Chapter 58.

No nits.

Chapter 59.

No nits.

Chapter 60.

You've used the name Camille at the beginning of the chapter but, '...we don't have much time. Luisa pushed past him.' At first I thought this was a typo, but for some reason you continue to use Luisa, not 1926 Camille.

Chapter 61.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 62.

'My plan has been completely bunk.' - don't know the word 'bunk' except for one bed on top of another, but I do understand her plan's misfired - considered using another word?

'...fought with her heart desires.' - A little clumsy - heart's desire - or - what her heart desired?

'Taj, and his bare feet...' - really clumsy - perhaps something along the lines of - Bare-footed, Taj trailed after her, picking his way carefully through the debris?

Chapter 63.

No nits.

Chapter 64.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 65.

'Her legs failed to hold her level...' - awkward - consider something along the lines of - her legs shook, and it was difficult to keep her balance....'?
Why would Juan Ponce, now a manifestation of evil whose influence has tainted Miami, need with a material deed paper making him Governor of La Florida? He's dead and has no legal right to anything, as Camille points out, 'you are but a shadow. You rule nothing.' This really didn't sit well with me, mainly because it's weak, unless I've missed some salient point. Consider the conflict between them is centred on disposing of the custodian of the fountain so that he can continue to pollute the land and people?

Chapter 66.

'...opaque, like the inside of a muscle shell.' - Pearlescent - pearlescence is found in mussel shells, other shells too.

You've treasure a lot - use other word to describe it.

',,,and he position(ed) he on...' - Typo in brackets.

'...I can just tell people were...' - we're married.

'...reveal his muscular chest...' - consider - reveal a youthful, muscular chest?

I seem to remeber Camille wanting to pull Juan Ponce's body from the fountain to rid it of its foulness, did the plan change?

Liked the physical reversal between Jack and Luisa.

Chapter 67.

'...middle wing of the hotel succumbed to...' - past tense - of the hotel had succumbed.

Another really good tie-in with Breeze.

Chapter 68.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 69.

Nice ending - no nits.

One thing - what Juan Ponce did has never really been mentioned, other than he was a conquistador. It might be an idea to give a thumbnail sketch of atrocities he must have committed, and how powers were given to him to continue doing evil.

Overall, this is a really good story, fast paced, intelligent story-telling with a good voice, that intertwines three period in history together well, so I can see why it made the desk. With a little editing, I'm no editor, just an avid reader, and my punctuation is not all it could be, and a final polishing, submit it, but make sure your synopsis is fairly punchy, or self-publish. I'm sure people would buy A Nymph's Heart.
In any event, all the very best with this work.

A Nymph's Heart.

Chapter 35.

'The nymph...' - Capital 'N' needed for Nymph.

'I don't know what your...' - you're

'Well, I have sworn oaths...' - mentioned this before - taken the Lord's name in vain - or - used the Lord's name in profane ways?

'Do we need to give him a name?' - Smashing speech by Camille.

'God the father of mercies...' - comma after - God, the father...

Chapter 36

'...compensate her for sleep walking...' - sleep-walking.

Chapter 37.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 38.

Rosie the baby elephant? - This really threw me. I had no clue where the elephant came from, so maybe explain it's part of a publicity stunt after, '...the outline of the Royal Palm Hotel.'

'...Model T's like they were stopped.' - awkward - consider, as though they weren't moving - or - motionless?

Chapter 39.

Commented via Tequesta - though I can immediately see in the opening chapters you've used Francisco's name far too much.

Chapter 40.

'...walked up Biscayne Boulivard.' - misspelling of boulevard.

Repetition of 'morning sun'.

'...noise on the rock hard pine floor.' - noise on the rock-hard, pine floor.

'...panther staling its prey.' - cliched - you're a good writer, come up with something original.

Chapter 41.

You know damn well...' - speech marks missing before 'You'.

Chapter 42.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 43.

'U.N.I.A' - used twice in subsequent paragraphs - association?

Chapter 44.

'...a proud ten year old...' - ten-year-old.

The objects in Luisa's room, have they always been there, or has she or Jack collected them? For me this doesn't sit well. If they've been around for the longest time, wouldn't they have either stirred Luisa's lost memory or made her ask Jack what their relevance was?

Chapter 45.

'...later when the ashes cooled.' - They're going to burn down the hotel? If so, this isn't mentioned though I can perfectly understand why they would do this, but it was a little jarring - consider adding a few words to explain this is what they intend to to once the Nymph's Heart is put back into the fountain.

'His bare feet carried him across the stage.' - Consider cutting this sentence. You've already described what Taj is wearing, that he's almost naked, so it would be a bit odd if he was wearing sandals, and what would he walk on if not his feet? Maybe - barefoot, he crossed the stage?

A Nymph's Heart.

Chapter 21.

Weather? You don't...' - speechmark missing and another one the wrong way round.

'...fear clouded her mind as (she) sat in the cathedral,' - Typo in brackets - as this passage is a flashback, it should be in past tense.

'This was going to be (the/her) only chance...' - Typo in brackets.

Chapter 22.

'...other artifact(s) - Typo in brackets.

Chapter 23.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 24.

No nits.

Chapter 25.

Not nits.

Chapter 26.

'Her new green dress rubbing raw her fresh key-shaped scar.' - a little awkward because of where 'raw' is situated - consider - rubbing her fresh, key-shaped scar, raw.

'...struck her shape, spreading her...' - consider cutting 'shape' - its redundant, she's a solid object so the sun striking her would cast a shadow.

Chapter 27.

No nits.

Chapter 28.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 29.

'...next to Mary Bickford.' - Mary Pickford?

Ohhh, the tramp...' - speech mark missing before 'Ohhh,'

Chapter 30.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 31.

'That was my great grandfather(') - Typo in brackets.

'They hung him.' - Consider taking this onto the previous line, otherwise it seems like it's not Breeze speaking, so again, another double-take.

Chapter 32.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 33.

Luis drove Jack's truck - Jack drives his jeep to Brickell Park and take her away, what happened to the truck? A small thing, but the story is so good you don't need loose threads hanging.

'...some security passes, were golden.' - Type - we're.

Chapter 34.

Commented via Tequesta.

'Back, do-not-touch-me.' - the hyphens I presume are to heighten the emphasis in Francisco's voice - consider -
do - not - touch - me - spacing the hyphens implies this better unless of course, Francisco speaking quickly, joins the words together in his haste to spit them out.

A Nymph's Heart.

Chapter 13.

No nits to pick.

Chapter 14.

'...but in his eyes, the fear...' - why 'the fear? 'the'minimised the emotion and also makes is sound as though fear isn't Tony's, but something borrowed - same with 'the pride' - perhaps - all pride?

Something is going on with random speech marks and full stops just after 'Bruja', possibly an uploading problem, but I thought I'd point it out just in case.

The sequence with Ponce's voice and Tony dislocating, and breaking his own arms, very visual and very well done. Aso another layer added to Camille's character, she's not frightened of getting her hands dirty.

Chapter 15.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 16.

Excellent descriptions of the dogs appearing and their behaviour - you've injected a great deal of tension into the prose.

'...echoing off the building.' - off.

'... sharp edge of the buildings...' - as you refer only to the tower - building's.

'...he finished field-dressing.'

Another really good chapter.

Chapter 17.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 18.

'...returned to the source.' - need a space before 'Camille stood...'

'...out the kitchen window at the crescant moon...' - crescent.

Chapter 19.

Commented via Tequesta.

Chapter 20.

'Pepe's smiie was disarming.' - On the same line - 'All right Pepe...' - Consider dropping this to the next line as I did a double-take when he called himself by his own name, and then realised Luisa's talking.

'I'm afraid the building fell...' - consider - I'm afraid the building has fallen on hard times since...'

'...brown hair that blew in (an) unseen breeze...' - awkward without 'an'.

A Nymph's Heart.

Chapter 7.

'...she pulled what she could from the grou(m)d - Typo - 'n' needed.

'...she was exquisite...' - a little awkward - consider - and a far better looking version...?

'However, there was no denying...' - don't think you need this - its redundant as you've already established this by using 'version'.

Not sure about 'middle wing' - perhaps - the middle of the hotel and its west wing?

'Why was...' - why is - present tense.

Chapter 8.

Comments as per those made for Tequesta.

Chapter 9.

'Twilight...' - Camille's awoken in the middle of the night, so it wouldn't be twilight, which is a half-light that comes at dusk or just before dawn - consider brilliant moonlight, which would tie in with the picture Camille's painting.

'Except the spring was...' - This is narration - if Camille were thinking this it would be 'is', but you make it plain that it's not her thought by separating this sentence with italic's which is what she's thinking. Perhaps consider making all of this passage Camille's thought?

'...piney woods...' - why not pine woods?

Chapter 10.

'The original 1896 Miami shoreline stretched lay exposed - cut 'stretched' - must be an oversight when you were possibly reworking this section.

Good - a little history of the indigenous peope that I complained was missing when I read Tequesta - very interesting.

Nice tie in with Anastasia DeMint, bringing her from 1926 to 2005.

Jack's recounting of what happened to Breezy - spooky.

Chapter 11.

Commented - via Tequesta.

Chapter 12.

'She was dope sick and distracted.' - as I understand it, Camille's in withdrawal - consider dope-sick and distracted by withdrawal? to make it perfectly clear why she's not thinking clearly and is sluggish.

Re: the sparring uniform. I used to do Tai Kwon Do, but for the life of me I can't remember the correct name for the wrap-over jacket and baggy trousers, which seems to be universal for anything connected with these kinds of disciplines, though I have a feeling Tai Chi is not a combative sport as such, so it's worth checking to make sure details are correct.

'Your karate...' - karate is almost illegible for some reason.

'...it was (a) battleground - Typo 'a' missing.

'Only a dam Yankee...' - damn?

'...colossal mullato...' - misspelling - should be - mulatto.

'...a fan from her purse.' - should be a comma not a full stop.

'...on the table besides... beside.

You've used Chan's name four times in just one paragraph - really repetitive.

'She could have killed him three time...' - 's' missing from times.

A Nymph's Heart.

Chapter 4.

'He's a fucking priest for God(s) sake.' - Typo in brackets.

'...the shape seemed familiar to her...' - consider using Luisa's name here, as the description of the truck's progress is tacked inbetween a conversation Jack and Pepe are having, which Luisa, up to this point, has taken little part in.

Chapter 5.

Commented on when reading Tequesta.

Chapter 6.

Liked the description of the mural - likewise the phantom Tequesta paddling his canoe.

'...through a quarter inch of hair...' - this seems awkward to me - maybe - she tossed the wig onto the turtle's sculpted head, and ran her fingers through hair, no more than a quarter of an inch in length? Also, is this a different wig? Camille was wearing a blond one the night before.

'...posing for an imaginary camera.' - Not sure what's happened to the beginning of the next sentence, but something appears to be missing.

'...damp fabric(,) conquered Camille's mind. - Typo in brackets.

A Nymph's Heart.

Chapter 3.

'The young looking woman spoke...' - young-looking.

'...oath unto God...' - I think I've commented on something similiar already - blasphemy or profanity might convey more clearly what is meant.

'The girl drew near.' - It sound as if it's her who says, 'sorry padre' - maybe consider dropping this dialogue onto the next line to make it apparent Camille says this.

'Pardon me, Sir...' - pardon me, sir...

'Camille grabbed the girl by her lithe arm...' - Don't think you need to mention how lithe the girl is - grabbed one of the girl's arms works, considering a reader finds out the girl is about seventeen a little later.

'Camille laughed for the second time tonight.' - Tonight is out of place as it's not a first person narrative - second time that night?

'...pulled a flask out from near her garter belt.' - If the flask's not in her garter belt, what's holding it in place? Another thought, were garter belts invented in 1926? I have an image in my mind of garters with stocking tops rolled over them, on each leg.

'...the wake splashed...' - The wake is behind - the wash splashed...?

',,,the exhaust blinded them...' - Think something's missing here - smoke from the exhaust? - I'm having a few doubts about the dinghy. Being English, I'm sort of thinking 1926 is the beginning of the Art Deco period. Steam ships etc in operation, but were smaller vessels around? Worth researching.

A Nymph's Heart.

Chapter 1.

Fantastic first paragraph.

'The girl was shy...' - Perhaps withdrawn might work better here, bearing in mind she's got amnesia and doesn't know her history, so whilst she can be confident with the work she's doing, she'd probably be a little uncertain about herself, hence withdrawn.

'Her legs grew weak and her attention fell to the....' - She's alone, but has just heard a voice. She hasn't taken her medicine. She'd likely be panicked, so 'her legs grew weak', gives no sense of this, but rather implies a length of time for her legs to grow weak. Her reaction would be far quicker. Also - 'her attention fell' - 'fell' seems oddly misplaced, again it implies a length of time. Consider something along the lines of - her attention, for some reason, was drawn?

'More than anything....' - She's worried she's hallucinating by the sound of it. Again this needs to be more immediate, with no soft lead in. She needed Jack. She needed her medicine. Fear, tension, discovery, all of these emotions can be ratcheted up by using short, choppy, sentences.
One other thing. If Luisa's been brought up by Jack, and possibly accompanied him on other digs, surely she'd recognise Latin?

Realistic dialogue between Jack and Luisa, when they're under the tarp.

'A gust of wind...' - 'gradually the wind died down...' - This lead me to believe the storm was over. To then read a little later, 'During the thunderstorm...' was a surprise to find it's continuing.

'It's just a ring...' - Jack explains it's probably dated to a Spanish mission, which would have been hundreds of years ago. I was a little surprised Luisa hadn't got that, or that the ring is an antique and therefore has value.

Good final paragraph.

Liked it

Chapter 5 "breech cloth, fastened by a noted rope." I think you mean knotted rope.
Good suspense at the end of the chapter.

I have just started Chapter 5 and I noticed tht the date is September 10th , 2005?

William
I have read the first chapter of A Nymph's Heart and will certainly read more. I have been searching for two days for something to read and finally found this. So far I have enjoyed it.
I noticed a couple of editing problems. Do you want me to point them out as I read?
Dave

What can I say about this novel that hasn't already been said, and rightly so? It is thrilling, warm at times, with the scope of an epic tale. It's hard to believe this hasn't been published yet, but will be a matter of time.
A fine job, highly polished, and thorough in every angle. A beautiful novel.

William F. Rombolla 'A Nymph's Heart': First 2 chapters.
"She shared at his shiny dress shoes -the only part of him that ever touched the soil."
Ah, the world view of a genuine digger, so wonderfully authentic!

The physicality of the archaeologist's excavation is palpable, as is Jack's eye-view of the young woman digger, Luisa. Her vulnerability is a great touch (and, I am confident, much more than this, as the story progresses).

This aspect is lacking, slightly, in chapter 2, where the wind blowing is described in relation to its impact on the Priest's robes, rather than on the living, groaning, entity of a sailing vessel, as it ought to, with a tall ship, especially a galleon, which shouldn't ever ''slice cleanly'' through the waters in the opinion of this reader.

However, this is fine detail only. The other historical details of this chapter are also a joy. This book has deservedly achieved Ed desk status. 6 stars. I can't wait for the next book!

I only had time to read the first chapter but found it accomplished and interesting.

Jack, this reads awesome - great work. :)

Great first chapter, really pulled me in. I'll read more. good luck with it. Your place in the charts tells me you probably don't need too much feedback any more :-)

Hi Jack, Maeve sent me your way with her blessings :)

You already know this is good, I am sure. It is indeed excellent. Well written, well paced, interesting people, plausible dialogue, intriguing mystery.
When I get to a computer I shall back this.

I made some footling notes, which I share with you:

Splendid opening paragraph! Very Indiana Jones!
"The pavement was as a scab ..." - do you need 'as'?
“WWJD?” ... What would Jack do? " - made me laugh.
"Lesus Hominis Salvator" Iesus. 
Chpt 2 - here's a thing. There is no sense that the scripture and prayer here is in another language than the Spanish these men would be conversing in. It's a detail, but it's a detail people were getting quite shirty about at the time. I appreciate it's tiresome to ask your readers to wade through large amounts of Latin, but perhaps a reference that it was so to comfort us pedants? It could be fed into the references to the pesky Lutherans :) Just a thought.
"... a blade forged too hard will shatter when it is finally used" nice continuation of the analogy.

Give me a heads up when this is published, would you?
Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

I really liked the beginning of this story. this is the first book i've tried reading on this site, the title interested me and it looks like a lot of other ppl like it too

the beginning reminds me a little of indy jones with the way that your characters fall into finding the ring at the beginning and the way that jack and luisa treat the site and dont really get on so well with the pesky dipshit. just wanted to say i was liking it so far

Nice intricate plot. I like the three threads and you've got me interested to see how everything fits together. I've given you 6 stars and wish you best of luck with the desk.

Brutal & Scathing (& Honest) Critique, as requested!

The goat thread made me laugh enough I hopped you in line a little just because of it. That, plus, you’re #2 on the charts so I’d like to read *before* the ED shifts over…

Short Pitch ::

Pass. It feels too passive to me. I’d rather see something like “Camille must find the Fountain of Youth beneath the streets of Miami to break her curse of immortality.” – the first half of the current short is intriguing, but the second half doesn’t at all match the long pitch, and it didn’t offer anything in the way of real tension for me.

Long Pitch ::

This is better. I like the concept, you have characters with goals, but I’d also like to see a bit more conflict. Right now, I’m not seeing any of the ‘mystery’ element. It sounds more like a paranormal romance, with no sign of mystery in sight. If this is a mystery, you need to include the mystery elements. If it is a romance, call it a romance.

Prologue ::

I’m not a fan of prologues. This one didn’t work for me. You could show all of this – with current characters – in the real story. It didn’t do much to set any mood for me, and all it told me is that it was located in a hotel. I kind of feel like the prize has been spoiled a bit already because I know the thing they seek is underneath a hotel. I really feel like the card is played too early though.

Just my opinion, though. This prologue is two paragraphs, one of which is a date / location line. I just can’t help but think this isn’t necessary at all.

Chapter 1, Scene 1 ::

Ignoring the time/location tag, I really love the first paragraph. It is great imagery, and really matches the digging desire of an archaeologist. I got a sense of his profession even before you told us it was an excavation site in the next paragraph.

I also think you could cut out archaeological excavation and just call it an excavation site. I think this would be properly inferred between the first paragraph and the later parts of the second.

One thing that bothered me about the first section that I think is worth pointing out is that it feels like you headhopped to Luisa’s point of view for a paragraph. Another thing is that you use a lot of pronouns without the supporting nouns to ensure clarity. A good example of this is when you’re talking about the backhoe operator who works and decides to take an early lunch. (Also, telling, not showing, and how would we, the reader, know he is taking an early lunch? Include this in dialogue, and include the man’s name, since I’m sure the characters know his name.)

The second with her dropping into the excavation and landing in 1926 made no sense to me. Since this is a paranormal, I wasn’t sure if I should take it literally or not. Something to consider.

Potential, slight grammar error at “How many times have I told you not to call me, Gramps?” – this says that Jack is talking to someone named Gramps, not that he is being called Gramps. Remove the comma. Easy way I remember this is… “Let’s eat Grandma” and “Let’s eat, Grandma.”

For the most part, writing style is smooth and easy to read, but I’d like to see more noun use. While pronouns can add depth to a POV, I don’t think how it’s being used right now is really working for me. Not enough establishments of the characters in the POV for my tastes. Once again, this is just my personal tastes and opinions.

Really not a fan of your use of ellipses. I think you can get the same impact just by using commas and periods. (But, they’re my personal pet peeve in novels.)

Ok, one small point; wouldn’t Jack think of Luisa as his granddaughter? I think you really need to just have him think of her as his granddaughter right away. I didn’t realize that they were actually related, so I assumed she was just being a flippant employee. This threw me off as I moved into the second scene.

Chapter 1, Scene 2 ::

My knee-jerk reaction is that it should be ‘stayed up for half *of* the night studying…’

Also, “Instead, he smoked his pipe….”

As another minor nitpick.. “Without him, she would be lost; no family, no friends, and no memories” – I think a colon or semi-colon would be more powerful here.

If Jack is doing an interview, how can they talk at lunch? Is it supposed to be ‘after lunch’ instead?

More ellipses. They’re really starting to bother me. I know you’re trying to use them for emphasis, but I think one or two for an entire *book* is sufficient. Regular grammar, commas, periods, and so forth, can impart the same thing. If your character is pausing a long time, incorporate it in a dialogue tag / action sequence. You’ll get a lot more impact and depth for the characters that way. Right now, I’m starting to feel like they have a problem with completing sentences.

Over all, I like where this story is going in the first chapter. You have all of the elements of a good tale in the works here; there is conflict and mystery. While I think there could be a little more emphasis on the *consequences* of the conflict, the first chapter did its job. I was interested enough to keep reading, and most of the time, I read large chunks before stopping and going back to make my commentary. It does the job as an entertaining read.

However, it does make me start to question your short and long pitch. No Camille. No Anastasia. No Juan Ponce De Leon. There is an interesting pair of characters in Jack and Luisa, though. That said, if I were in a store, read this long pitch on the back of the book, and didn’t see any of the mentioned characters from the start, it would be a pass for me very quickly. Just something to think about. (This is my personal preference, of course.)

Chapter 2 ::

We’re jumping in time like Marty McFly on a bender in the Delorean. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does make it a little hard to get settled. Also, this character isn’t one of the ones in the pitches. ;.;

Nitpick: “Today I read, straight is the path that leadeth to the Kingdom of Heaven” – something about this sentence bothers me. I understand it is a biblical reference, but perhaps you could do something like this… “Today, I read from :book of bible: where it says, ‘straight is the path that leadeth…’

Just something to consider. That line did throw me out of the reading, though.

I like the general inclusion of the religious group in this. However, there is something I’d like to comment on; the use of bastards bothered me. Bastards means something very specific. There are much better age appropriate curses you can use. However, I think the most appropriate would be to call them ‘heathens’, especially if you’re in such a religious contest here. The use of Bastard would very likely offend the Father if it wasn’t used as the word was meant to be used – a term for someone who was born out of wedlock.

Just my opinion. If you’re going to go historical, go historical and use age-appropriate language when you curse. And make sure the Father reacts appropriately.

That said, while there are interesting elements to Chapter 2, I didn’t feel the conflict and tension nearly as much as I did in Chapter 1. It was well written as a general rule, but I’m also trying to find out how all of the pieces fit together.

Chapter 3, Scene 1 ::

Nitpick, would using ‘blasphemous’ perhaps flow better instead of blasphemy?

I’m still thinking the prologue isn’t necessary at this point, because I think I would like to see this happen before that, but this is just my opinion.

Also, yay! Finally, a reference to Camille. (Though I do suspect that Luisa is either Camille or Anastasia, though I haven’t potentially figured out which one she might be though.)

Good general descriptions and use of language here. I like how you transpose the time periods in this scene to show what is now and what was then.

I would like to see more description of Camille when you go “So much had changed since then, but not Camille.” I’d also consider making this an independent paragraph, and the next one be about how she hadn’t changed in comparison to how *he* had changed. This would be a really good way, in my opinion, to give us a feel for what Billy looks like. Right now, the only character I have had any real mental image of was Luisa; you did describe the garb of the holy men in Chapter 2, but I still didn’t get much of a feel for their real *specific* appearances. I keep feeling a bit like I’m expected to completely create the appearances of these characters with the exception of some clothing detail.

If I had to pick a flaw at this point, I think it is that you avoid some necessary description a little too much. I’m having a very difficult time, in some places, establishing mental images.


Chapter 3, Scene 2 ::

At last, at long last! We’ve reached a POV of the character that is actually… er.. in the pitch.

I’m a little worried that this is my reaction to it, but at the same time, yay!

Nitpick:: Sleep – a final rest – was what she desired most. (I’d switch the comma for the em dash like I wrote it, I think it’d look better when reading.)

I am not certain of your use of opium here. It is smoked, powdered for snorting, turned into a paste and strained as a liquid, injected as heroine, smoked in bongs and other types of pipes… but I’ve never heard of it taken orally. I had a little trouble buying that the drug was opium as presented.

I also had a bit of trouble buying that one person had multiple souls. I think this is just a personal thing though.

I like where the plot is going, but once again, the language is bothering me a bit. I think it is because everyone talks so cleanly. While blow this joint is time-period accurate, I am still getting the feel from the text that it’s too modern. That the language of the residents in general is just too modern and not southern enough.

Chapter 4 ::

This will be the last chapter I do for this, since this has taken me quite a bit of time already (eep.)

The first paragraph is passive, passive, passive, passive! Please fix this. You could do something like this:

The thunder continued to rumble outside. Luisa described the haphazard mix of artifacts from beneath the Hotel, ignoring the pain from her hand as Jack worked on bandaging her hand…”

That said, I can’t tell who the lead POV is here. I think you need to do a better job of establishing the POV. You do it pretty well earlier on, but I just can’t figure out with ease who is in the ‘driver’s’ seat.

Not much in way of new comments, but I like how you’re starting to tie together the previous POVs, setting up Luisa’s potential identity, and bringing Fancisco into the mix. You forgot to mark the top of the chapter with the date / location tag. Since you’ve started doing it so consistently before, I really think you need to continue with it to make certain that it remains streamline. If it stays in the time / location in subsequent chapters, I’d be ok with it being left off, but this jumped back to the present, so I think that it is necessary.

Overall, you have a lot of good content here and a lot of adequate material to serve as a solid hook. This chapter was a bit info dumpish, and her knowledge of geology did feel a little contrived, but Jack’s explanations of the ground was quite good. I’d consider having Luisa perhaps stumble on the word or, perhaps, have a bit of a brain fart to make it more realistic.

Good story so far, and I will be backing. Nicely done.

~RJ

I wish I knew how to place comma's as accurately as this author! Not my kind of read but well written.

Alison Butler

Great book! Your writing is superb! I'll read more later! This is my kind of book ... Love it!

Jane

Jack the writing has been so sharp and the realism of the characters compelling. I have placed your great novel on my shelf and continue to support a great story. I can't wait to see how you weave the next tale.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Fantastic opening chapters, Jack. I see by your top ranking that you do not require my own high rating, but your title is on my shelf nonetheless. I will certainly finish the book as time permits. Keep up the good work.
- C.A. Simonsen

WOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...riveting opening line! Have to read more, very soon.... yr on my watchlist!
Best wishes,
Linda Horowitz

Damn Jack you really brought it in this chapter eight. Ana and Camille so remind me of some of my artistic beautiful friends in the French Quarter. Usually around 3AM they would wonder on into The Copper Monkey or Sneaky Pete's for a night cap and show off their latest creation. On the more adventrous nights when the blood was in a fever the bar might become a bedroom.

You foreshadow, build tension, and bring an artist's vision into the narrative. I can't overlook the attention to the subtle details either. No wonder you sit as high as you do in the rankings. Great writing!--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

telling tell bringing together three ages with success! great piece of work weaving three genres together....
j

I like what I read of this, though it was a while ago now that I perused so not sure how usefully I can comment.

The premise, setting and narrative time-spans all appeal greatly to me. I recall when reading I was a bit confused with the opening chapter - who was digging, who was trying to prevent the digging, what in fact the digging was for, and the mystery of Luisa's 'problem' I seem to remember as being possibly a tad too vague in those early chapters. But screen-reading doesn't suit me and I may have been tired or even, God forbid, squiffy when I read it... I shall take another look and see if there isn't anything more lucid and helpful I can say.

In the meantime I see you are inching towards the Hallowed Goal, so am happy for this to sit on my shelf until you get there.

I have to say this is an excellent start. I was drawn to the book as an archaeology graduate myself so it only made sense that I should stop by and take a look.

I certainly wasn't disappointed. Your ideas feel fresh, and your writing is well pitched. I was impressed by your pacing and at no time did my attention wane. I am intrigued as to how the story is going to pan out and could easily and probably (when I have some free time) will read more.

As you are so close to the top you are going on my shelf. If you don't make the ED this month you certainly will next month.

If you get a chance I would love it if you could take a quick look at my novel, Atlantis Reborn (an archaeological mystery / adventure). Hopefully it will spark your interest :)

Good luck going forward and I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards
Mark

Backed A Nymph's Heart. Couldn’t resist a plot about the Fountain of Youth. First ,love anything paranormal and second been intrigued with Juan Ponce de Leon’s search for the Fountain of Youth since studying about it in history class. Very clever idea and well done. Backed and star rated. Hope you will find time to check out our paranormal novel, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Back on my shelf after a conversation with Kate M. (She is reading Jack...just a little longer for comments I am told.)
A tribute to the new title and as you are so close to the desk Jack, I could not resist. Nothing more to add beyond my earlier comments except to reiterate that the story is fantastic and worth a complete read by anyone. RT

I like this. It draws you in right away. I also love the way you've taken your own career and actual experiences, I assume, and incorporated them into an exciting work of fiction. The fact that it actually came from you makes it all the more interesting. Good work.

When I read this, I was hooked from the beginning. Your explanations of what was going on were extremely detailed. Like some of the reviews say before mine, this had a lot of action in it, which was one of the reasons I stayed hooked on this for several chapters. Another reason would be this is different from most stories I have read, with the different time periods and setting. I can truly say that there was never a dull moment, from what I've read so far.

Straight into the action - fabulous. Love it.

Jack, This is truly a winning book. I am definitely backing this and giving it several stars. You have so many people that dissected it for corrections that I won't go there. You have handled both your research and the chasm between eras so well as it makes a very smooth transition. The character building is top notch. A truly enjoyable read.

Jack,
an epic book.
wow. read all 56 chapters. the only thing that niggles is that some chapters tell you when the story is taking place and others do not. i would keep to the former it makes it easier to get into the frame of mind for that section without thinking to much about when it is taking place.
really well written and hope it continues to do well
:)
diane

Hi Jack

Such a complex story - but also very compelling. I have read the first few chapters and found the ideas intriguing and the flow of your writing very enjoyable. I felt a little thrown each time we swapped eras and wonder whether keeping each era in separate chapters is the best approach - or at least whether swapping between them so frequently is the best approach.

I felt the way you built Jack and Luisa character wise was superb - but was not as convinced by Camille, Billy or the 1567 characters. The fight on the quayside was all a bit confusing - and detracted from the Camille/Ana interaction which I guess was the main point of that chapter.

I did enjoy the descriptions and atmosphere you built around Miami itself in each era - very powerful and vivid. Overall though a really powerful story which kept me reading and wanting to find out more about the mystery and the plot rather than about the each character's emotional journey.

Best wishes and best of luck

Rachel

I've enjoyed what I've read so far of "A Nymph's Heart." The Prologue is short, but sweet, giving us much more of a sense of the high stakes Jack and Luisa will face later on in the novel. It always ties in neatly with Jack's desire to excavate the hotel and Luisa's hearing voices. In short, the Prologue makes the first chapter much more interesting, which is good, because the first chapter itself is basically setting up the story, which looks like it will be a ripping good one, but it's not really rolling quickly in the first chapter. This is fine, of course: setup is necessary before payoff.

And this setup has some very nice points, as well: the attention to detail with how Luisa excavates and the tools she uses, the boss nicknamed "Dipshit," and the description of Luisa's mental affliction.

The writing is good and strong (the only error I found was a misspelling of the word "do" as "due." You might want to search that out.

To make some constructive criticism, then, I will have to step outside of the book and discuss your book description. I do not always read book descriptions, but when I do I either find that they enhance my reading or they give so much away that they take away some of my discovery and enjoyment and discovery as I read. I'm afraid I got the second experience after reading your blurb. I think you've given away too much in the blurb by revealing that Luisa is from another time; not only that, but I spent a good deal of Chapter One a little miffed by a sense of dramatic irony in that I knew way more than the main character did about herself, where I really would have preferred to really learn things along with her, from her perspective. All in all, I do think making the blurb, or at least Luisa's part in it, vaguer, will make readers enjoy her character more from the start.

Also, I'm gathering that when you publish, you won't be using the name Jack Cerro as your author name. I was knocked off guard when one of the main characters turned out to have your name!

All in all, though, this is a very strong opening and I wish I could delve further into a book that, quite frankly, has an absolutely awesome premise.

Daniel Rider
"Indian Summer"

H

Hi Jack,

I'm really enjoying A Nymph's Heart, and have read all the way to Chapter 6 in one sitting. I just wanted to post some comments before I forget them as I read on.

You have a great Prologue. It instantly promises adventure in the realm of fantasy, pulls me in and makes me want to read on.

"The pavement was as a scab covering a wound that would not heal" is a wonderful image, with Jack longing to scratch it and peel up the layers. I love the idea of Luisa dropping two feet and landing in 1926.

The description of the archaeological dig is very real (I guess it would be, what with you being an archaeologist!) and very atmospheric - a brilliant build-up to the spooky whispering Luisa hears.

I very much like Luisa as an MC, and look forward to getting to know her as the story unfolds. You've woven in elements of mystery concerning her - she was injured in a hurricane and suffers from amnesia, she hears voices in the excavation, she thinks she needs her medication, she seems vulnerable yet strong - all this in the first chapter, and as a reader, I'm interested in her from the outset. Everyone says the first chapter is the most important for getting the reader to read on, and I think you have a very strong first chapter.

The leap back into 1567 in Chapter 2 is very well done. Father Francisco Arroyo is a captivating character and the setting of this period feels solid to me. In fact, all your descriptions feel solid, I can really picture what I'm reading.

So I'm going to place your book on my shelf and read on. Just a couple of typos I took note of in Chapter 1:
IHS, which stands for Iesus Hominum Salvator, you've written "Lesus".
In the next paragraph, "Luisa was wondering what kind of damage the flood might due to the area she uncovered" should perhaps be, Luisa was wondering what kind of damage the flood might do to the area she had uncovered.

Right, I'm off to back your book. Best wishes,

Annette

In exchange for your excellent service to the board, your wilingness to edit unmercifully, and your basic gentle nature,
one backing.

Lovers of this genre would be MAD not to back this and buy it.

Jack, This is going on my bookshelf. One of the best I've read since I bought Steven Dunne Reaper (Before I found authonomy). I won't be presumptuous and attempt any criticism. (My grandmother already knows how to suck eggs!) I will be one of the first at the bookshop to buy a copy in dead-tree format the moment it's on the shelves. You are a writer through and through and I could learn a lot from you. I wish I could be half as good, and I will attempt to rise to that challenge. One day I hope to reach the dizzying heights of the editors desk with The Girl From Kosovo . You have my greatest admiration. It's a pleasure and a privilege to share the act of creation with you. Thank you just for being.

Hi Jack,

What an exciting story! I wasn't sure I was going to like it based on the homosexuality premise, but thus far (up to chapter 5), that's really not a big part of the story. I love the history, detail and character development so far. I plan to read on and see what happens next!

High stars!

Love for you to take a look at my book as well :)

RJ Stanley
Why Didn't Someone Tell Me? The Truth About Love

I have nothing bad to say about this book it's captivated me for the last hour when I should be tucked up in bed. This is a terrific read and should be in our book stores 6* Karen, Faking it in France.

Negative criticism's first: We need more setting and characterisation to set the scene. What you have is fine, but I'm not smelling/feeling/hearing the scene enough. As well, before we start questioning the characters we need to be more involved with them. As well ... too much information dumping. I know it is hard to do this with grace, but there is just too much going on at one in this chapter. It might be best broken up into two chapters.

Positives: the actual events and characters are intriguing. I love the memory book; what a great concept for adding depth to the plot. The verisimiltude of the events is solid, nothing seems out of place in the tale you are constructing ... and that means the bones of your story are good and strong! As well, I like the way you've played with the characterization of 'Dipshit' so that it helps move the plot along - a lot of people crowbar conflict into their stories without it being important to the plot.

Overall, this is an excellent introduction to your book. You've already set yp several mysteries to give suspence and drag the reader into the story.

{A Nymph’s Heart} – Jack Cerro
Chapter 7
There doesn’t seem to be a chapter 6… so I went straight into chapter 7 :)
Firstly EVERYONE THIS IS A BRILLIANT READ!!
:D
----
Onto my suggestions:
1) First para; not sure about the transition between sentences ‘small boat. The Tequesta’s village loomed in the distance…’ Because the focus is on the supply vessel and boat, and then we sort of zoom out… I’d zoom out and then in;
‘The Tequesta’s village loomed in the distance… mission.’ Then cut ‘two hours later’ and say ‘The landing
2) I’d say ‘Pedro Medenez and his son, Juan, addressed the crew from the front of the ship. Juan…’ → increases flow because there are now less commas. Also, it means ‘Juan’ isn’t written as closely together
3) I’d say ‘Only a few ripples marked the placid waters of the lagoon, as the transports set off…’ → paints more of an image and eliminates the ‘was’
4) I’d just say ‘banyan tree grew. Roots hung from its canopy’ → eliminates repetition of ‘tree’ → we know the roots are the trees roots, and this decreases length of the sentence and makes punchier