Sacrificed: the revealing

I'm not sure I am the right person to review this book on your return to the site. I don't read horror at all so have no comparative books to go on. I can only say that I think it is beautifully written. It carried me along and nothing interrupted the flow. A very smooth and completely professional style.

Great story, great characters! Please write more soon! Backed.
Gemmat
The Protectors of Ealinga

Wonderful story and characters. I look forward to reading more.
Rich McStay

You are an amazing writer! You draw the reader right in to the story and young adults will love this. Starred and backed!

Skater

Hi Liam, YARG review

Chapter 1
A great opening that immediately engages your reader, and the early dialogue keeps your reader hooked. i like the enmity between Donovan and Malekai, there is obviously a lot of shared history here. I also like how you used Evangeline to demonstrate how important it was for Donovan to prevent Malekai getting both amulets.
The only thing I wasn't sure about was that there was no description of the 2 characters bar Malekei having a shaved head so I don't know what they look like.
I spotted a few possible minor typos/suggestions, (have tried not to repeat those you've already had comments for):
inch-I - should have spaces either side of -
inside of him - don't think you need the of
had a way of trying to anger me - i think this would have more impact without the 'trying', maybe 'a way of angering me' or 'a way of getting under my skin'
you did my father and take the necklace - I'm not sure what you mean here - either needs a comma after father, or 'when you took the necklace'
things to do, place to go - places

Chapter 2
Suspense, threat and I'm emotionally engaged with both Ava and Jason. Also good descriptions of Malekai, Jason's mum and Ava although I'm not sure what Jason looks like. I also like the way you describe the house and the humour of Ava not answering the door at first, then doing so in her underwear and his faux pas about the house.

Poss typos/suggestions:
vacant for years but - needs , before but
in the market - on the market (at least in UK, not sure about US)
nobody was every interested - ever or very then full stop at end
eighteen is a one year - a or one, not both
ruined all of her plans - ruined her plans
where would she go when she upset now - she was upset , now? as it's a question
chills were sent up Jason's spine - passive tense, maybe chills rippled up Jason's spine?
Jason got out the car - this one does need an of :)
another suitcase handing it his mother - to his mother
seen this place, mam!?" Mam should have capital letter as he's addressing her. ! or ? not both
fresh start." should be a comma at end as followed by 'Alison replied'
parent really is here, mother - again, capital M
caved in:=. - too much punctuation
chosen, one is her - no comma
couldn't. the necklace - capital T after .
this was the end - a little repetitive - maybe change the first 'this would mean the end' ?

This needs a little close editing, and I hope my points help, but the storytelling is excellent - full of intrigue, suspense and drama. Well done, high stars :)

I would be very interested to hear what you think about An Ill Wind at some point if you have time:
http://authonomy.com/books/48436/an-ill-wind/
Thank you
Karen

Back for another look. Great opening first paragraph. Descriptions, dialogue, and character names are still doing great. I am really glad to see how this has come out. You are doing a great job. Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Hi Liam

A good unorthodox start, it's not unusual to start with a death or end of a story, but then most people go back to explain how they got to that stage; whereas with your story I sense the beginning of a new tale. I've only read the first chapter so far & yet I am drawn in to the story which is always a good sign.

There are one or two problems though, your narrative seems to be dialogue driven, which isn't always a bad thing but it can leave the reader with a lot of unanswered questions. You also seem a bit confused over your point of view, I like first person POV but it is difficult to maintain & as I discovered myself, very hard to do well. Try reading other authors who've done it successfully to see what I mean (like Robin Hobb).

Several typing mistakes in the first chapter are:

' ... so fun' would make more sense with a 'much' before the 'fun'.

' ....something of mine ...' should be 'something that is mine' or some other rephrasing along similar lines.

'... holding tightly onto e Evangeline' - obvious spare 'e'

'... so many that innocent ...' extra 'that'

' ... he and Malekai ...' should be 'I and Malekai'

' ... as the spiked dug ...' should be 'spikes'

' I had thought this was over' need a 'that' before the 'this'.

I hope you find these pointers helpful, a return read & comment would be good.

All the best
Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

YARG review

Liam,
I have read through your first two chapters. You seem to have an interesting premise here, and these amulets are definitely creepy. Some really good horror/suspense elements. Anyway, here are my crits, hopefully you'll find them helpful.

The first chapter seemed to go on for quite a while, without really telling us anything about Donovan's past or why it would be bad for Malekai to have both amulets. I'm not convinced that you need the character of Evangeline. Her murder doesn't really add much to Malekai's evilness, and from what you have presented about Donovan and Malekai, it seems that Malekai would already know that Donovan isn't going to give up any information.

There is some tightening that could be done to chapter two. Try not to give too much information at once, especially not extraneous information. The heading tells us this is happening fourteen years after Donovan's death, so if you tell us that he died when Ava was three, you don't need to tell us that she's seventeen. Hopefully anyone old enough to read this is able to do that math. Is Donovan's date of death really that significant? Is that specific date something we need to know? Or is it enough to know that these events are happening on the anniversary of his death?

When you come to Jason's point of view, again, don't spoon feed information. Let us discover for ourselves, or guess, that he is moving into Donovan's old house, don't tell us right up front. Wait until the dog shows up in the kitchen, and maybe even leave his name off the license, so that we don't know for sure if this is Ava's dog until she opens the door. Readers like to be able to guess what is happening and then be rewarded later for guessing right. This is just my opinion of course.

The part where Jason hears the voice and follows it might be a bit spookier if you give us some physical cues as far as what he is feeling. I think I'd get goosebumps if I heard a voice calling out to me. My heart would be racing too, and if you put these things into the narrative, the reader will be able to feel them too.

This is definitely a good start. Hopefully some of my comments can be helpful, but these are only one person's opinion. Best wishes.
Kate

Your intro in the first two paragraphs of chapter one is compelling. It drawns the reader in right away and the following interaction between Donovan and Malekai is crisp and well-written. My only humble suggestions would be to shortened their conversation a bit. It seemed to me as if they repeat some of the same things. I also would have liked more of a visual sense of the place where their interaction happens. The reader gets the feeling of menacing darkness from the character's conversation, but I think it would add richness to put in more description of the setting. Just my humble observation. Only you as the author can decide what's right for your story. I've given "Sacrificed" top stars!

Liam,

A YARG review. Welcome to YARG. I hope you find all kinds of helpful reviews. I read the first chapter closely and then skimmed the second. There are a lot of unanswered questions in the text, but in a good way. It's nice to see the mysteries and suspense slowly develop. The following is my critique specifically on the first chapter:

Chapter 1:
-The first paragraph reads like a Prologue. While you don’t have to make it a separate chapter, it would help to be separated by a section break or *** or something.
-C1, P2, you have a run on sentence. I would suggest a semi-colon or period after Gray in: “…Woodford-Gray[.] The fog pressed against…”
-C1, P4, If the character “would not even dare to turn my head,” then why would he “turn a little to the side to see him” in the very next paragraph?
-C1, P11, I would like to see some contractions in the dialogue so it feels more natural. An example: “[I’ll] tell Evangeline…”
-Midway down, there is a bit of an issue with the narration. In one line you say ”Malekai smiling nastily at Donovan” then later you write “I said”. Donovan and I are the same person, and they need to be referred to in the same first person, or third person, way.
-I am very curious about all the sins of the past and people killed, especially those by Donovan. Why? It doesn’t make him a very sympathetic MC if he’s a cold-blooded killer. And probably not suitable for YA either. However, from the prologue we can see a redeeming quality to him.

The chapter is suspenseful. I feel the fear in Donovan, and I also get that there is some kind of huge mystery surrounding the amulet. It was a surprise when it sort of took on a life of its own and burrowed into the neck of the new owner. So I’m definitely curious to read more sometime. Sadly, I have to run now.

I’m intrigued by what I have read. You get high stars for that.

If you would like to return a read sometime, I would appreciate it.
Best Wishes,
-Chris
Fugitives from Northwoods

YARG review.

Chapter One.
Your opening in chapter one is good, but I’d separate it from the chapter – maybe have it as a kind of prologue and then have “chapter one”.

“I really don’t know how you live with yourself” replied Malekai smiling nastily at Donovan. – You mean smiling nastily at me. You started the chapter as yourself as the narrator, now you’ve changed into 3rd person.

“Just let Evangeline go!” replied Donovan, anger rising up inside of him – should be ‘I’ replied, and anger rising up inside me.

“…you, filthy bastard.” Need to remove the comma.

Malekai, holding on to e Evangeline, ignored her pleas. – Not sure what the e is doing there.

So many that innocent lives that I couldn’t even comprehend it. – remove ‘that’, it doesn’t make sense.

I remembered this technique well, he and Malekai had learnt from a woman in Germany …. – Who is he? Do you mean Malekai and I?

“What’s that? I asked eyes wide with curiosity. – I wouldn’t use curiosity here; I’d use fear or something similar. He’s about to die, I wouldn’t be curious about how it’s going to happen, I’d be terrified.

My notes – you mention frequently about the evils of your (Donovan’s) past and how the future generations will suffer from it. The problem is that you don’t explain it in your opening chapter. I figured that would be the hook to keep the reader interested as it’s mentioned in the ‘prologue’ of the chapter, but all you have are the deaths of the family members and the necklace. It seems the necklace is the reason behind this future evil, but it’s not given. I think you need to explain the necklace a bit more and what it is capable of doing, to have the reader know the potential destruction of future generations.

I found no spelling errors, but I would recommend you reading over it and shortening sentences -You use a lot of commas.

All in all, with a little tweaking I think you have the premise of a good story. I’d like to know more about the amulets, its origins and potential, hopefully you explain that in the story. I liked the way it infuses into the owner’s body as well.

I’ll come back soon to check out chapter two.

Good luck,
Dekkle.

YARG review-

Here's the thing, I want to like this so much because I think the plot is going to be great--but this ms is littered with passive voice. Almost every line was passive. This is a sign of a fairly new writer--I know because this is exactly how I wrote when I started. I would love to crit this first chapter for you, line by line, to show you how easily this is fixed. I believe once you see those teeny mistakes then you can avoid them and tighten this right up.

I know this site seems to be a popularity contest. Everyone wants to say all the nice things and help each other advance forward, but the problem with this is, if the ms isn't solid, when it goes before the publisher it will get rejected. I hate seeing so many "popular" books getting up there that aren't ready. So I may not be very popular, because I am very honest, but if you let me, I can help you tighten this up in a flash!

Think about it.

Examples of passive writing are-- "I had been up in my study" should be "I was up in my study"
"I had been deep in thought" -- "I was deep in thought"

"I continued to sit, but my spine stiffened. I would not even dare to turn my head: I had no need to, because I recognized that voice."-- could be made short and crisp-- "My spine stiffened. I couldn't move, but I didn't to. I knew that voice."

~Amber-- Perfectly Broken

A well written horror story which includes all the expected elements to sustain reader interest.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

Liam...I read your first chapter and absolutely know I wouldn't be able to watch this if it were made into a movie, just from that first chapter alone. So that's good. I don't do spooky and this had me feeling that nervous, icky, tense feeling that makes me not do that genre. So...ya did good! Your opening paragraph was perfect as a hook to keep readers going.

I'm sure this time around, you'll find your work on the editors desk and soon be in the window of our local bookstores.

Linda

After reading several chapters, I like the story. I does show that you have worked hard on it and the chapter endings made want to read more.
Just a couple of comments - I would look at all the tags you use after dialogue. It seems as if you felt all of them needed these tags. They really don't. It is okay to use ..said Donovan. The dialogue itself should tell the reader fear, anger, etc.
The other thing I noticed is you are using a lot of dialogue with nothing inbetween them. Sometimes it is a good idea to add some exposition describing the place, tone, feeling instead of only people talking. In places it feels like a tennis match -- back and forth. Your dialofue is good and gives the reader the feeling of fear and anguish that Donovan feels. Good job.

I will put this on my WL and keep reading. I do not have room at the moment to add to my bookshelf.

SL

Very intense! I'm usually not a fan of scary or suspenseful books, but your characters are so real and likeable (except Malekai), that I'm hooked.
You do have some major grammar issues, however. My English teacher eyes can't help but notice them. As this site is not conducive to editing, I will simply give you a few examples. These are all from chapter one and in order of appearance.

...happen after we die...
Woodford-Gray; the fog pressed...
...felt trapped, and I knew this situation
...my revenge, and you will be sorry.
...smiling nastily at me

The majority of your first chapter (this is the only one I've read so far) needs to be written using the past participle. This simply means that you need to have the words "have, has, or had" in front of your verb. This denotes that the action has previously happened. You can' t just use the past tense.
Also, you do have some variety in POV...you need to stick with the first person.

Overall, you have a very engaging story here. I can't wait to read your next three chapters when time permits:)
Jessica
A Place to Call Home

Reading as promised!

chap1 - crits (or suggestions)

the sentence "I should have known history was bound to repeat itself." - this should be either "I should have known history would repeat itself." or "History was bound to repeat itself."
"what you are about to read is the beginning of the end." - will you talk to the reader throughout the whole book? or is this just a line you used here? maybe this should be a prologue instead of a chapter if that's the case
i'd remove this sentence "Malekai had come, and just like he said..." going from "This was the end" to "I thought Malekai had already gotten his revenge" - is perfect
"grown weak(,) old man" - insert comma as 'old man' is being used as a name... commas come before names (you miss these commas a few times)
watch your tenses (my biggest weakness) - "plays on your emotions before he kills you" - present tense, as this is a memory of how he died, it should be past
"Malekai holding tightly onto e evangeline" - hmmm i think that 'e' is not supposed to be there
"he and Malekai had learnt" - he is Malekai so i think this should be "me and Malekai" but that wouldn't be right either. I think this should just be "We learnt"
"Evangeline's eyes were now fully open but did not move" - where did he expect her eyes to move to?

ok i'm going to stop with the edits as you get the point.... It really just needs a read-through, some grammar and punctuation fix, and a careful look at tenses, which i miss ALL the time no matter how many rereads i do of my own book
as for the story itself, i really like it! you've got a ghost for a narrator (though i don't like that he talks to 'you' the reader) and he has explained his death and his purpose for 'haunting'
then there's the whole premise of the necklaces... awesome. can't just be stolen, have to be killed for... excellent.

this is really good! i hope my crits weren't too harsh... again, it's mostly just grammar crap that anyone can fix, it's not a problem with the plot that i can see!

cheers for now,
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Liam,

You did a nice job with this! Overall, it had good flow and enough drive to keep me reading. You do a nice job resisting giving us to many details about the necklace all at once. You have it unfolding at a nice pace. I think this could easily have a place on today's YA bookshelves.

There are still a few places that need a bit of editing polish (mostly typos). For instance, in the first chapter you switch between using the first person pov with Donovan (referring to himself as I) and use 'Donovan said' and other such lines a few times. You should stick with the first person all the way through.

Good job, keep polishing!

April Gray
The Illusion

As a YA fantasy / horror I can see this going down well as you have some good ideas and the on the whole it is well written. There are a few typos and sentences that don't quite read correctly but nothing that a good edit wouldn't fix and in all honesty I am more interested in plot and content than spelling and grammar as however well written something may be if the plot and content don't work then neither will the story.
With that in mind I think you have a sound premise for your book and some strong characters, however, and this may just be me, I keep thinking of Harry Potter. The shaven headed Maleki sounds quite Voldemortesque, you use the surname Black, as in Sirius, and even the hyphenated name of the village sounds like something JK Rowling would come up with. Now please don't take this the wrong way, we all get our influences from somewhere, sometimes without even realising it, plus, I could be the only person in the world who has this opinion, but since you clearly have a good imagination perhaps it is something for you to spare a thought on.
The only other thing that struck me was the way in which you have a 17 year old girl cry at the grave of someone who died when she was 3. This seems a bit strong a reaction to someone she wouldn't remember, however much she had heard about them.
Overall then it's a good start but it needs a bit of polishing up and perhaps a bit of tweaking in some areas. The concept is strong and imaginative, and I am sure that with a little work you can realise the potential of what you have here.

Best wishes,

James

Hi Liam,
I really like the cover of your book and you have a really interesting concept here. Your pacing is nice which makes it easy to read and get into. You have wonderful tension that is required for the audience you are trying to target. Below are my notes, but you can choose to ignore them as you have a great start here :)
My notes:
Lose the first para. I understand that you are trying to make a lasting impression that will foreshadow the rest of the story, but it comes off hokey. Instead, take that para and boil it down to one sentence, raise it above the text in a "pseudo" quote and then start the story at "It was nearing midnight". I think people respond well to that and you accomplish your mission at the same time.
Watch your dialog tags, when two people are in a scene the dialog does not need to be narrated. Also, commas should precede titles or names in dialog.
Your last para is intriguing and pushes the reader forward.
Overall, I think you have a wonderful start here and I am hoping to read more soon. Back and highly starred!
Kayla Shaw
Philosophia: The Nine Worlds and the Great Mechanical Tree

sorry for the delayed but here is my feedback...
Horror - well if i was teanagers i will love it..but now i am kind old fashion so not really much into horror theme.
although i like the characters and the story.
I have rated you 5*
You do have the style to describe things very well and hope more book to come...
dont ask about grammar and formatting as that is my big weakness...but i am sure other member will say something if it appear in your paragraph...
all the best...
olga13

Like the writing style on your first person narrative. Strong opening paragraph that really grabs you early. Dialogue is crisp and believable. Donovan and Malekai are pretty solid characters. The progression of the poisoning and the pusnished soul is appealing. I'll keep reviewing but good job so far.--JL "The Devil O f Black Bayou"

Likking the pitch and it's a cool concept. I will read on.--JL "The Devil Of black Bayou"

I like the story, so far. Good conflict and mystery. I've read all four chapters and hope you'll upload more. The characters are interesing and the writing is strong. My only advice is to tighten up the dialogue in chapter one. Several things (such as, 'You'll have to kill me to get it") are repeated several times. Also, some of the dialogue is trying to give us the backstory. Maybe after he first hears Malikai, you could give a brief backstory, and then begin the exchange between them.

Please let me know when you upload more chapters and I'll read them.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Keep on with your story, Im checking it again, love the characters and find your writing amazingly good!
Saerawrites
The Wizard of Crescent Keep

Exquisite taste! I love the way the characters are put together in combination with the moral of the story. Exactly the type of stories I'm after and have a passion for reading. Looking forward to see the rest of it. Will definitely be on the look out for more of Liam Jay Brown's successes. Keep it up!

Looking forward to reading the book. looks like a great written book.

I love this book, I'm reading it, and want more already. I love horror and fantasy and anything well, mysteriously well written enough to hook me and this has definitely done that. Im eagerly awaiting more too..well done, keep on Liam:)

Saerawrites

Hi Liam,

This is an awesome story. A great page turner with a chilling, dark narrative. It's written very well.
I think the characters are well constructed. The dialogue is good.

I know you said it's been thoroughly edited but I believe there could still be some minor nits to edit out. For instance in the first chapter Malekai's name is repeated a lot during both dialogue and the narration which could be cut down into just a 'he' or 'his'.

Anyway, highly starred.
Thanks for bringing this to my attention, I hope it rises quickly, it derserves to!

Cheers,
Adam

Great cover and first chapter! Backed!

Hi
Thanks for your message- I immensly enjoyed this, your writing style really helps to create the tone, characters and settings , making you want to read more. I particuarly enjoyed the shifts between the past and the present day setting and how you set up interactions and connections between the characters. Plus the whole concept of the necklace is intriguing and another element which makes the story stand out.

Highly starred and keep up the good work !
Steph

This book is fantastic! I am one of those "hard to please" readers as i analyze the book in great detail and this completely surpassed all my expectations. I would recommend it to anyone willing to listen.
Very well done, Liam.

I think this has improved greatly since I last read through it. I would point out that maybe moving your first paragraph into a prologue, mainly because it doesn't tie in well with the first chapter, and would be a great short hook for readers to read right off the bat. I did notice though that the phrase at the end of your first paragraph "beginning... of the end." I like its impact, but that phrase is overused in a lot of books and movies. And since your story has its own original thoughts, maybe a different statement that is just as impacting to your readers. You have a great sense of voice throughout and the transition between chapters is great. Overall word choice is great and I think the story works well as a whole. Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Congratulations on a job well done, Liam! It's a fantastic read and I WILL get the first copy when this gets published! Love all the characters! Especially Ava Black! I think you know why. Backed and 5 starred!

wow! This book compels you to carry on reading from the very beginning - setting the pace and letting you know that there is mystery, intrigue and horror.
The author sets the scene well by dramatising the scene, but also letting the reader's imagination guide them through the pages.

This book should be published and I can't wait to read more from this brilliant talented young author.

Backed!!!! definetly

Hi Liam,
Am down to chapter three. I must admit this book is well written. Actually very well written. The going-backs starting with Donovan Black, to Ava and Jason are so well blended. The coonections are so real and well put. You have a strong voice Liam and without a doubt this is a wonderful story. I really think you should upload the other chapters as soon as you can.
I found a little nit-pic in chapter two.
The sentence that begins- He reached the last room, it seemed be some old office. _He found the last room, it seemed *to* be some old office.
I am highly star rating you and watchlisting you for my bookshelve as soon as possible.
Good luck.
Josphine
Notime goes bye

Dark and intriquing. I'm still reading

WOW! this is amazing. I really like how you hook your readers in with the first word. 'Death'.
I think your going to make a great career out of this. Job well done! :)

Liam, I really like your short pitch.

I've read the first chapter, and have a few comments, some technical, some plot-wise.

First congrats - this is the most typo free script I've read.

First of all, I've been told by an editor that UK style is single inverted commas for dialogue, not double and no lines between paragraphs unless there is a time or scene change. I haven't updated my own work yet, but will take this up.

There were a few sentences which I felt needed punctuating with commas - read it through out loud and see if you can find the natural breaks.

I loved the binding of the necklace - truly gory... but didn't like the phrase "get this show on the road" - this felt out of place.

I'll keep you watchlisted and will give you a spin on the shelf ( I rotate every week or so). If you feel like doing the same for me ( I see you have spaces!) , that'd be lovely, but no obligation!

Liam,

I have gotten to chapter 2 and I love your story. It is imaginative and vivid. I made notes of my thought while I read (these are simply my opinion on certain matters, please use/discard the ideas as you see fit):

Chapter 1

paragraph 2: 'contrasting' seems implied and I think it would read better without

it.
Good atmosphere.

...I continued to sit but my spine stiffened. (need a comma before but)

I found this sentence a little confusing: '"No, but it's just so fund tormenting

her, watching the horrified expression on your face."'
I think you need to take the comma away and use 'and' instead. Otherwise, to me at

least, it sounds like you meant to say '...watching the horrified expression on

her face.'

I thought this sentence could read better: ...pull Evangeline into the study; she

was weak and was just stumbling along, and her legs looked like they would....
(...pull Evangeline into the study. She was weak, barely stumbling along, and her

legs looked like they would...)

'"Please, I'll do anything," begged Evangeline, crying. Malekai, holding tightly

onto Evangeline, ignored her pleas.'
What about: '"Please, I'll do anything," begged Evangeline through her tears.

Malekai, holding tightly onto her, ignored her pleas.'

In the paragraph just after this, you have 'So many that innocent lives that I...

(...many innocent lives that...)

Something wrong here: 'I remembered this technique well, he and Malekai had...'

I like your description of the necklace taking hold. Good imagery. Just be careful

you used 'pain' a few times in that paragraph. I think it would be better if you

substituted it for synonyms.

Chapter 2

First paragraph, you repeat 'Xavier' quite a few tiems, perhaps you could cut down

on this.

...the house when she turned eighteen in a one year... (...eighteen in one year OR

eighteen in a year)

....feeling of closure the house brought to her?.... should this have a '?'
?

I like the ominous reappearance of Malekai. Nice tension here.

The use of '!?' ...I have read and heard conflicting things about this, but

generally I think most people think it belongs in comics, but not in novels...I

don't use it, but this one is a grey area, I think.

'...Xavier was already scratching at the front door. Jason reached the front door,

and he gave three loud knock.' How about: ...Xavier was already scratching at the

door when he reached it. He gave three loud knocks.

'He used the backlight to search for a small box inside his drawer; he took it

shoved it into the pocket of his long, grey pajama pants along with his phone.'
What do you think about: He used the backlight to search through his drawer. He

found what he was looking for, a small box, and shoved it into the pocket of his

long grey pajama pants... (also notice no comma between long and grey)

I think maybe you could do with a bit more description of what Jason is feeling

while this strange voice is calling to him...is his heart hammering? Is he scared,

just excited, why does it not bother him more?

'He suddenly the voice spoke again, telling him to come, the voice had startled

him.' Instead: Suddenly the voice spoke again, startling him with its monotone

summons to 'come'."

Also have a look at the parapgraph just after this.

Intead of 'He felt a light switch against...' try 'He found a light switch

against...'

'It was cold, some sort of a box. It was small.' I think this would be better: 'It

was cold, some sort of a small box.'

'Especially since the chosen, one is her.' Should not have the comma.

'Fear gripped a hold of him...' 'Fear gripped his heart...' or 'Fear took hold of

him...'

'It was extremely painful...' Instead(?) 'It was excrutiating...)

'This dream had haunted her childhood dreams, and...' ('This dream had haunted her throughout her childhood, and...)

The premise for your story is fantastic and it grips you from the start. Your characterisation is excellent and you draw the different relationships perfectly. This is exactly the type of book that I love to read. You have great talent and I think you will quickly climb the ranks again!

Best of luck
Tania

because im not a proffesional i do not have any words i understand myself to describe how amazing your book is. when this gets published im definately buying it! would read more but i need to read a book on paper. cant wait!

There are some very interesting ideas here. I like your writing style and I found myself drawn into the story despite the book not really being my preferred genre.
The MS needs a bit of a polish in places - I noticed a few changes from present to past tense and at one point you switch from 1st to 3rd person. Apart from that you have an interesting concept that may work well.
Best,
Melissa

Shelve this and come back to it when you have written other works. I see too many issues with styles clashing, and in the use of past, present tense. Sometimes we have to let go of what we love and start with another blank canvas to develop as writers.

Read the first chapter of your book. The tension of the beginning is created very well.
I am not huge into horror, but what I read is written well. It flows well.
A few of the dialog could use a little polish to be sure they sound right.
Otherwise I find your book creative and well written.
Good Job!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a looked at my pirate adventure Driving Wind.

Hi Liam,

I like the idea for your story very much, it seems quite original.
Very fast paced writing, which is great for your story. I'm intrigued by the amulet and Malekai, and I found few grammatical errors to point out. Though, and this is a choice of style, I might revise some of the dialogue to be a little stronger - punchier in a way.
Otherwise great, straight-forward writing style that captivates your reader!

Sincerely,

Great title, great cover art, great pitch and a fantastic story. I read through the first two chapters and I love the idea. It started off action packed from the beginning and did not let up. I enjoyed every moment. My only nitpick suggestion might be to re-read your dialogue out loud to yourself. I only say this because there were a few sentences that seemed a bit forced. This might flesh them out a bit for you if you actually hear them spoken. This is a tiny nitpick though to an overall fantastic story. Thanks so much for the read and I certainly admire you fantastic taste in titles. High stars for sure.

I'm backing this book asap and having read a small part of it, I am very impressed.

Great tale.

Alison Butler ps I'd try to eliminate 'had' from your MS as much as possible. It will read better then, just my humble opinion.

I'm not sure I am the right person to review this book on your return to the site. I don't read horror at all so have no comparative books to go on. I can only say that I think it is beautifully written. It carried me along and nothing interrupted the flow. A very smooth and completely professional style.

Liam,
While this is not my chosen genre, I was mesmerized by your writing style. You have written a truly terrifying prologue which I felt compelled to read to the end. It was so suspenseful and you paint the scenes with such richly detailed descriptions. The dialogue I heard spoken in my imagination and I wanted to call out and warn Donovan of Malekai's intention. While I would usually be turned away by such evil and violence, the fantasy genre allows for stories which feature characters who are horrendously evil like Malekai. He makes Brock Lovett in my story seem quite tame. Brock was willing to excavate the Titanic to find a precious blue diamond necklace, but would certainly never harm anyone to possess it. I've given Sacrificed: the revealing the highest star rating, though the prologue frightened me enough to keep me from reading more of this macabre tale.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Tend to agree with much of what has already been said. Imaginative and compelling work. My only personal observation is that I would prefer rather more supporting decritpion of the setting.
best regards
Steve

Good book! I love the premise and it's for sure something I'd be into reading. Let me know if you get it published! One sidenote: In the second paragraph, 'lane' is a bit repetitive. Try substituting another word :) Good luck!

Hi Liam,

Here is my BHG review.
This chapter has a lot of strengths. Your sense of action and movement is strong. Your descriptions of the setting are great - sets up the campy vampy atmosphere really well.The story has a lively pace and strong plot. I feel that the strongest part of the chapter is the finish. The last two paragraphs have rhythm, tension and fluidity -good use of shorter sentences to create tension and well-chosen imagery -really drew me in.

A few things to note which may help:

1. You tend to overuse the participle clause sentence structure to begin paragraphs in the first half of the chapter eg. Hesitating on the threshold, he... and the next two paragraphs have the same structure.

2. Some of your sentences pack a little too much in and become a bit unwieldy eg. She was not dead -just unconscious how she would remain until......

3. Repetition of 'talking about' x3 in the dialogue.

4. Your description of character emotion is best when it is economic -'eg "cold and confident" The plot loses pace when the emotion is 'told' and there is not space for the reader to imagine eg. the calm expression on Donovan's face did not last ........

Overall, this work has a lot of promise. Hope the observations above help.

Hope you have a chance to take a look at my book.

Best,
Kaal
(PS highly starred on potential)

Hi Liam! Finally I have the opportunity to read “Sacrificed: the revealing” and here are my comments and suggestions:
The Prologue:
- from the first line you create the mood, the atmosphere – the dark, a hooded man walking down the moonlit lane – all this appeals to me and catches my attention;
- Walking through the house, he noticed it’s layout was still the same [its layout];
- Turning the heavy bronze door handle … Flames from the inferno threated [perhaps, threatened];
- Malekai had a sinister look upon his face; he was going to kill Donovan. [perhaps a dash would suit better than a semi-colon];
- He went over to her, “come here!” [“Come here!”];
- Donovan started to breath heavily [breathe];
- “Now we can call it even, … his body shook violently as he choked on his swollen tongue, as he tried to breath. [breathe].
This is very intense and I loved the dialogue and the ending of the prologue.

Chapter 1:
Today Ava did not shout at Xavier for tugging harshly at his lead, or for chasing the feral cats that wondered [wandered];
- vivid description of a tall man – I wonder who he is, but he gives me the creeps – ah! It’s Makelai;
- “The name is Malekai, dear, and I have a preposition for you [maybe ‘proposition’];
- you introduce a new character, Jason, it’s nice because my mc’s name is also Jason :)
- you are again very good at creating atmosphere – here you describe Jason’s surroundings as gloomy and uninviting and it’s no wonder he wants to escape from this place;
- As Jason got out the car, he realized his mother already a long way ahead of him. [it feels as if a verb is missing in the second part] … It sat and starred at him [stared];
- “Dads gone, mom, [“Dad’s];
- He helped his mother finish carrying the heavy suitcases … Wondering through each room, the floorboards creaked as he examined them. [you need to avoid ambiguity in this sentence, “As he wandered through each room, the floorboards creaked under his weight.” – something like this];
- He walked towards the door, putting the books down … He decided to choose a room closer to his mothers’, [mother’s];
- well, as I’m alone right now and it’s dark I want to say this book is pretty scary to read – what is there behind the kitchen counter?
- “You should rather just leave, come on Xavier, arevoir Jason.” [au revoir];
- oh, the voice is intriguing … and chilling;
- the letter is cryptic and is connected with what happened in the prologue – I want to find out more about it, definitely! I didn’t expect Jason to die there.

This is a highly intriguing book that I personally wouldn’t recommend reading alone at night :) I already awarded your book six stars and I truly hope my suggestions will be of use to you, Liam.

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

2 moonlit lanes
I am not there because you aren't
the prose sounds like you want to write but listen this is no secret formula
just place yourself in the centre of the story and get us on your shoulder and that's it us sharing the scene with you rather than being told about stuff that sounds a bit forced and not all balanced
after that it's about editing and shed load of good fortune
i am certain we have to be there or else its all just a fake world that no one can inhabit

best wishes

richard