Book Jacket

 

rank 816
word count 65765
date submitted 05.06.2011
date updated 04.08.2011
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Science Fiction,...
classification: universal
complete

Thy Kingdom Come

Nick Hayward

A brain tumour operation resulting in paranormal dreams leads to a plot of global ramifications and the mysteries of life and death revealed.

 

A billionaire businessman, Jason Chambers, is rushed into the Ankh Institute for a life saving operation to remove a brain tumour. In recovery he suffers from paranormal dreams and is taken back into care by the Institute's surgeons.

With unusual happenings and in his desire to stop these life-changing dreams, it becomes apparent that the Institute is not what it seems and Jason uncovers a plot which has global consequences.
The Institute appears to need Jason for part of its plan and in his quest to find out why, he discovers more than he bargained for.

The secret behind ancient man’s most successful empire is uncovered explaining the real reason for the Ankh, trepanning, skull binding and pyramids. The link between Frolichs Syndrome, the pituitary gland and human elongated skulls, leads Jason to possessing knowledge and power beyond reason. This power threatens the Institute putting Jason as a hunted man.

When science unravels the mysteries of life and death itself, the world as we know it will change forever.

That time is now. The place is ‘The Ankh Institute’.

 
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tags

afterlife, agnostic, alternate alternate history alternate reality alternate universe alternate world, anti hero, antichrist, atheist, awakening, ...

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renesilverman wrote 226 days ago

Your book sounds like an awesome read! I can't wait to read it when I have a few moments. I will check back with you when I do! It is right up my alley, I love paranormal, sci-fi themes that hold some truth to them. You might be interested in checking out my book when you have time, it's called Sacred Dreaming: A Practice in the Art of Dream Interpretation. I just wanted to let you know that you're on my radar (and my bookshelf)!

Wanttobeawriter wrote 586 days ago

THY KINGDOM COME
This is an interesting story. I thought from the title it was going to be a religious one; was pleasantly surprised to find it’s a mix of sci-fi and paranormal. The beginning with the twins is a good way to show there are going to people acting strangely in this story. You’re created a good main character in Jason; he’s obvious successful; likeable and certainly sympathetic by being told so abruptly he has a brain tumor. Another big plus is your writing style. You could have made this complicated; instead, your style is clear and very easy to follow. I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Mark/Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Monkey Mikey wrote 589 days ago

Your book was recommended by a friend and I like what I am reading so far. I will try to comment on later, but for now, I am adding you to my shelf and rating 6 stars. I hope your book does well.

Daniel6394 wrote 593 days ago

Nick:
I read 10 chapters and I like it a lot. Your writing is very smooth. It keeps attention exceptionally well. The book has lots of suspense. Well done. In my not so expert opinion, it certainly deserves being published.
I echo some other comments, concerning the number of very short chapters. They could be put together with a spacer notation like * * * or # # # or anything else similar. Also, you and I have a considerable disagreement over commas, but these are minor details. Others sometimes try to make these major issues, but I don't agree. Your book seems very good. I rate it highly. If you get a chance, take a look at mine.
Best Wishes
Daniel
The Makers

Abby Vandiver wrote 600 days ago

Well, I probably wouldn't have read past chapter 2 but for some reason I went back and read your pitch. Your book is so much like mine. Answers to ancient mysteries. I couldn't not read, especially when the answer to the pyramids are in my book, too. (I don't have those chapters posted, but I would be happy to let you read them). Mine has to do with God and the end of religion as we know it. I have a classromm where you have a movie. lol I loved it. But I need you to tell me in what chapter will I find the answers to the pyramids. I gotta read that part.

There are some writing problems that I don't know how you plan to overcome in a book. I mean you can't have three paragraph chapters, you'll have to find away to put the scenes that you switch back and forth from into just two chapters. Some editing is needed.

But of course I have to give you six stars because you think like me! I'll keep you on my WL and back you.

And both our titles come from the Bible!

We have to talk!!

Abby

fullhouse07 wrote 923 days ago

Chapters 36 - 40 Again some wording problems, but I leave those to language differences
Chapter 36 first sentence I recommend removal of 'just' as the sentence lets us know he entered as the phone was ringing. I tend to do the same thing. I often have to go through my manuscript and locate words I overuse and replace or remove. I found this to be helpful https://www.autocrit.com/index.php I'm confused about the epitaph. I went back to the dream and didn't see anything about an already written epitaph and we're being told the old man had time to change the writing on the gravestone.
Chapter 37 How much we worry after we've committed. Good chapter.
Chapter 38 I feel like they let him go too easily. I love genealogy.
Chapter 39 I think I would have jumped when McCann called me.
Chapter 40 Love your description of her eyes 'dark and exotic' Paragraph 4 and 8 say almost the same thing about not knowing what to say. Great description of the youth center.

Dennise
Second Chances
&
Summer Vacation

fullhouse07 wrote 940 days ago

Chapters 31- 35 There were some spots where I felt the wording was wrong. This could just be due to the language differences, so I left them alone. This is something I haven't noticed as much in my previous readings. The annotations should merely say he said, she said. Rarely do you need anything else. Search the net for recommendations about annotations and this will help you. The feelings and motions you are attaching within the annotations should be before or after the spoken words, but not part of the sentence.
Chapter 31 Nice foreshadowing.
Chapter 32 Love how intricate you've thought out the details.
Chapter 33 I recommend a comma between 'Kath, Jason'. Did you talk about Faith and Family before? If so, ignore this next question. Where did Jason get the idea of Faith and Family in reference to the institute? I really think Jason is not putting forth the effort to ask questions. I've the impression he's a smart business man and has made quite a bit of money. The money did not fall into his hands without a thorough understanding of the process. I really think Jason would be questioning what's going on in this chapter, no later than Chapter 34.
Chapter 34 If Jason needs to leave that's fine, but let the reader know he's on top of his health and intends to continue researching the odd things that have been happening since his surgery. And the comments Andy has made.
Chapter 35 Wow, the heat is on!

Dennise
Summer Vacation

fullhouse07 wrote 947 days ago

Chapters 26- 30 Please check sentence lengths. Lots of missing periods. I'm sure you'll shape those up before submitting. Moves along. Keeps me glued.
Chapter 26 I recommend removal of the first 'had' in the first sentence. Paragraph 3 I recommend a comma between 'office and Carol' Paragraph 4 I recommend capitalization 'Carol' Smooth change of plans. Like the last minute update to cover up.
Chapter 27 is confusing. I'm under the impression he's dreaming seeing himself sitting in a chair. The use of sat makes me think someone sat him there. I could be wrong, if so. Ignore this comment. If not, please consider rewriting for greater clarification. Paragraph 20 consider removing the words 'for the moment' at the end of the last sentence. I love the 'young tear on an old face'
Chapter 28 ah, more intrigue.
Chapter 30 Paragraph 3 I recommend removal of 'in it' the equipment is obviously in the room. Paragraph 5. I recommend rewording 'With that his body was also connected to other equipment' maybe something like this 'he was wired like an overloaded electrical socket' Paragraph 33 I recommend removal of the stray quotation marks.

Dennise
Summer Vacation

fullhouse07 wrote 989 days ago

Chapters 20 - 25 The ususal reminder to check sentence lengths.I noticed a lot of paragraphs starting the same. I recently read an article that recommended changing the parameters of your writing program so that each paragraph appeared as one sentence. Then you could check for the same beginnings. I recommend you consider this as Chapter 20 has several starting with Jason. I have also been reading a lot about he said, she said to get better control of my attributions. I recommend googling attribution said and read articles about that and make you own decision as to how you want to handle said in your writing. Love 24's page turner ending.
Chapter 20 paragraph 6 I recommend removal of the last word 'life'Not needed and kindof childish.Paragraph 9 I know Jason is comparing his dream-like happening to paint ball, but that takes the reader out of the wonderfully painted scene and into a paint ball arena.I recommend removal of this comparison. Keep the reader in the slow, purposeful movement to take out the command post.Paragraph 14 I recommend rewording so that placing the timed explosions is not at the end of the sentence. Feels like an after thought.Also drop the last part of the last sentence. 'in the centre of this clearing....' You describe those buildings in the next paragraph giving the reader an idea of about how many they are dealing with. Paragraph 16 I may be wrong here, so consider this with a grain of salt. The things the soldier is thinking about is interesting, but not important. As a well trained, well oiled, creature, I think he'd not be thinking of why he was in this situation. I think he'd be constantly re-evaluting the present situation and considering all possibilities. He'd not stray from his prime objective.To get the civilians out unharmed. paragraph 22 Would the medic be there that quick? 6th paragraph before the end. I recommend changing 'are' to is.
Chapter 21 I had to re-read the first three paragraphs several times. Take a look and see if you can reword them to get your point across without confusion.
Chapter 22 also consider that in most dreams you seem to transport rather than move from scene to scene. I also recommend trying to find a word or words that better describe 'reality dream memories' I find it difficult to accept he falls into a peaceful, undesturbed sleep. Exhausted yes, but not undesturbed. Maybe a deep sleep that is void of dreams? A lump of a person in the bed whose brain is so exhausted that nothing registers?
Chapter 23 paragraph 1 What does last night dream needing thought-time have to do with him jumping out of bed? Nothing more is said here about it. I recommend leaving it out until he is truly ready to think things through or discuss the dream with someone else. This chapter was okay. Not your ususal excellence.
Chapter 24 paragraph 11 I recommend changing the comma to a period at the end of the paragraph. Paragraph 14 I recommend removing 'down' after the word sat. Redundant. Sitting is ususally going down.
Chapter 25 I just kept going. The only question I have is Jason seemed to be more together and now he's letting things go unanswered and that doesn't seem to be the character created. If you haven't, write down your characters and their traits, then go through your manuscript and confirm they are acting according to your creation. If not, either fix it or find an explaination for the deviation. I had a customer once complain to an author because she didn't stay within her creations parameters. This customer no long buys this authors books. Customers like this may be few, but you don't want to create this as a possible scenario for your books.
Dennise
Summer Vacation

NickHayward wrote 994 days ago

Thanks Dennise,
Once again, right on the button.
Nick
on

Chapters 16 - 19 Are you planning on expanding the shorter chapters, or place them together? Again, watch sentence length. Shorten them with periods. Commas force the reader to keep lists. Periods allow them to move on without cluttering their minds.
Chapter 16 4th paragraph this part was confusing 'that (I recommend a comma here) for the short period of time that he had visual (I recommend a comma here) the image was very getting (I recommend removal of either very or getting) stronger. Nice page turner
Chapter 17 8th paragraph I recommend a question mark 'what about Jason Chambers' 9th paragraph I recommend contracting 'will not' to won't (I'm not sure where I read this, but contractions should be used frequently and whenever possible However, since this is a character speaking, you don't have to follow any rules except your own. Just remember to keep your characters consistent. Had a customer tell me once she wrote to an author because the author changed the rules set earlier in a series. It really upset her. She hasn't bought another book from that author since.
Chapter 18 I recommend letting us know who you we are reading about. We can assume its Mr. Chambers, but it's not a good idea to make the reader try to think who or assume.The last paragraph leaves one to wonder how he's motivated and how he's going to accomplish his goal of company. I check 19 to see if it answered this concern and it doesn't. I recommend not giving the reader to put the book down. Don't make them think. Show them his plans.
Chapter 19 1st paragraph. I recommend removing 'with the meeting' keeps the reader interested what's coming up and you tell them in the next paragraph.6th paragraph I recommend removal of 'as if' last sentence. I'm sure he paused to build.7th paragraph I'm not sure why he 'looked' maybe consider 'was' also I recommend removing 'he corrected himself as the reader can read the correction. 8th paragraph I recommend removal of 'that occurred' not needed. 9th paragraph I recommend placing 'the'before Paranormal Research. 21st paragraph I recommend either 'well then,' or removing 'well' 22nd paragraph I recommend commas 'You, all as individuals, have...'27th paragraph I recommend a period after 'will work. and an exclamaition after 'we need proof!'30th paragraph I recommend 'and we have three other projects underway.'
Dennise
Summer Vacation

fullhouse07 wrote 996 days ago

Chapters 16 - 19 Are you planning on expanding the shorter chapters, or place them together? Again, watch sentence length. Shorten them with periods. Commas force the reader to keep lists. Periods allow them to move on without cluttering their minds.
Chapter 16 4th paragraph this part was confusing 'that (I recommend a comma here) for the short period of time that he had visual (I recommend a comma here) the image was very getting (I recommend removal of either very or getting) stronger. Nice page turner
Chapter 17 8th paragraph I recommend a question mark 'what about Jason Chambers' 9th paragraph I recommend contracting 'will not' to won't (I'm not sure where I read this, but contractions should be used frequently and whenever possible However, since this is a character speaking, you don't have to follow any rules except your own. Just remember to keep your characters consistent. Had a customer tell me once she wrote to an author because the author changed the rules set earlier in a series. It really upset her. She hasn't bought another book from that author since.
Chapter 18 I recommend letting us know who you we are reading about. We can assume its Mr. Chambers, but it's not a good idea to make the reader try to think who or assume.The last paragraph leaves one to wonder how he's motivated and how he's going to accomplish his goal of company. I check 19 to see if it answered this concern and it doesn't. I recommend not giving the reader to put the book down. Don't make them think. Show them his plans.
Chapter 19 1st paragraph. I recommend removing 'with the meeting' keeps the reader interested what's coming up and you tell them in the next paragraph.6th paragraph I recommend removal of 'as if' last sentence. I'm sure he paused to build.7th paragraph I'm not sure why he 'looked' maybe consider 'was' also I recommend removing 'he corrected himself as the reader can read the correction. 8th paragraph I recommend removal of 'that occurred' not needed. 9th paragraph I recommend placing 'the'before Paranormal Research. 21st paragraph I recommend either 'well then,' or removing 'well' 22nd paragraph I recommend commas 'You, all as individuals, have...'27th paragraph I recommend a period after 'will work. and an exclamaition after 'we need proof!'30th paragraph I recommend 'and we have three other projects underway.'
Dennise
Summer Vacation

fullhouse07 wrote 1003 days ago

Chapters 12-15 I still recommend checking your sentence lengths. Many are too long.
Chapter 12 The second sentence in the first paragraph lost me.Why did the people stop scurrying around him when a hand was placed on his shoulder? Maybe consider a period after shoulder and start the next sentence something like this 'Focusing his eyes, he saw a tall thin man looking down upon him'7th paragraph needs a period at the end.19th paragraph I recommend removal of 'falling' not really needed.Paragraph 21 needs a period.
Chapter 13 2nd paragraph I recommend removal of 'from the operation' repetative and not needed as the reader knows what he is recovering from.Paragraph 12 did you mean 'visible' instead of 'visual'? The description of the out of body experience was quite cursory. I'd really like to see you expand a bit more on this.
Chapter 14 2nd paragraph I recommend changing 'sets' to 'set'
Chapter 15 5th paragraph I recommend '...tough rugby match," pointing at his head'Nice page turning ending.
Dennise
Summer Vacation

patricia omonzele sukore wrote 1006 days ago

Hello Nick, my book is in the Christian genre: non-fiction. I would be very happy if you can read my book "Walking in God's Calling"and comment on it. If Iam lucky enough, I might be backed by you. Be assured I will do same for you, thanks.

Jill H. O'bones wrote 1007 days ago

Your story has promise. I jumped around the chapters to get a feel for the story, but having the chapters so short, for me, messes with the flow. I like your idea, (somewhat similar to one of mine, but is unique.) Keep up the good work!

Jill

RossClark1981 wrote 1007 days ago

- Thy Kingdom Come -

(Based on the prologue and chapters 1-3)

This appears to be shaping up to be an intriguing story with an unusual plot but I haven’t really gotten far enough into it yet to properly comment on characterization, plot etc. as the chapters are rather short. As such, I’ll stick to some editorial notes on the chapters I’ve read in the hope that it will help polish the opening.

The prologue:
-“The man whom, had almost single handedly brought up the boys since birth.”
---------It should be ‘who’ rather than ‘whom’. ‘Whom’ is used when it is the object of a sentence or when following a proposition.
---------The comma before ‘had’ appears to be a typo as well.
-“one cropped short, the other had long blond locks.”
---------This is a bit confusing as, grammatically, ‘the other’ would apply to the hairstyle here rather than the brother.
-The means used to denote each brother, long or short-haired, ‘restrained’ etc., are quite confusing and may lead to the reader mixing up the two. I would suggest using the names, or thinking of another way to delineate each character if there is a particular reason the names are omitted at this stage.
-“but they, nor he, understood why.”
---------Missing ‘neither’ before ‘they’.

Chapter one:
-“restless for most of the night, but and felt slightly”
---------A few typos in here, I think.
-“It will have to wait. It was a big day.”
---------As the narrative is in the past, it should be “It would have to wait.”
-In the phrase ‘a crap twelve months’, the word ‘crap’ feels a little out of step with the rest of the narrative, too colloquial.

Chapter two:
-“It was only now dawning on him the gravity of what Dave was saying.”
---------Would need to be rephrased to something like “Only now did the gravity of what Dave was saying dawn on him.”


Hope this helps.

All the best with it,

Ross

ta2809 wrote 1007 days ago

I read the first 10 chapters and had a ball. Great tension, excellent storyline and fast paced thriller.
I highly recommend it.
Ta

MJMCK wrote 1010 days ago

Having briefly read the first three chapters, I have formed the opinion that this is close to being the real deal. I won't be picky, that is an editor's job, so I'll just say well done on a good looking product.

Regards ... Michael J McKeown

NickHayward wrote 1011 days ago

Al,
thank you for you advice. You're obviously a pro.
I've backed savannah and put it on my watch list.
If you could put Thy kingdom Come on your watch list for a while it would be appreciated.
Nick



I read your first chapter (Authonomy 2).
Nick

General comments: A dynamic, gripping start. Three fascinating characters in this chapter. Good descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter (Authonomy 2):
1) Good opening line.
2) "Come near me again and I'll kill you!" One twin spat ... 'One' should be lowercase. 'One twin spat' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's someone's name.). There are more cases where you have a dialogue tag following dialogue and have the first word in the dialogue tag capitalized when it should be lowercase.
3) ' ... shouted the man whom, had almost single handedly ... ' Remove the comma.
4) 'Bandages around both boys heads covered ... ' Boys (plural) should be boys' (plural possessive).
5) "don't let him near me again or believe me there'll be blood." Capitalize 'don't.'
6) "I'll be seeing yo bro." he grinned maliciously. Comma after 'ya.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Also, capitalize 'he.'
7) 'After 9 years in the marines, ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should spell out numbers. Also, capitalize 'marines.' In this context, 'marines' is the name of a specific branch of military and, therefore, a proper noun. Proper nouns are capitalized. There is another case (ex-marine) where you should capitalize 'marine.'
8) ' ... and the diet they've been on has helped produce two excellent athletes. 'They've' should be 'they'd' and 'has' should be 'had' to keep the sentence in past tense.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a wonderful day.

Al

CarolinaAl wrote 1011 days ago

I read your first chapter (Authonomy 2).

General comments: A dynamic, gripping start. Three fascinating characters in this chapter. Good descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter (Authonomy 2):
1) Good opening line.
2) "Come near me again and I'll kill you!" One twin spat ... 'One' should be lowercase. 'One twin spat' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's someone's name.). There are more cases where you have a dialogue tag following dialogue and have the first word in the dialogue tag capitalized when it should be lowercase.
3) ' ... shouted the man whom, had almost single handedly ... ' Remove the comma.
4) 'Bandages around both boys heads covered ... ' Boys (plural) should be boys' (plural possessive).
5) "don't let him near me again or believe me there'll be blood." Capitalize 'don't.'
6) "I'll be seeing yo bro." he grinned maliciously. Comma after 'ya.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Also, capitalize 'he.'
7) 'After 9 years in the marines, ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should spell out numbers. Also, capitalize 'marines.' In this context, 'marines' is the name of a specific branch of military and, therefore, a proper noun. Proper nouns are capitalized. There is another case (ex-marine) where you should capitalize 'marine.'
8) ' ... and the diet they've been on has helped produce two excellent athletes. 'They've' should be 'they'd' and 'has' should be 'had' to keep the sentence in past tense.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a wonderful day.

Al

fullhouse07 wrote 1013 days ago

Chapters 10 and 11.
Chapter 10 Interesting head of security. Paragraph 2 I recommend removing John's last name. Not needed so soon after he's just been introduced to the reader. the description of the scar and the words 'within his hair-line' is a bit confusing. Making the reader think of hair only to be told it's not there. Consider rewording maybe something like this: 'creating a gap through his shaved head where hair will never grow.'
Chapter 11 Paragraph 1 Your first sentence is too long. I recommend dividing.I recommend a comma after Institute.Again, take another look at the last sentence and consider breaking it up as well.Paragraph 2 the second sentence is awkward. Please check your sentences throughout as many are too long. Paragraph 8 I really recommend rewording. I think I understand what is trying to be said, but it is frustrating to read.Paragraph 24 I recommend removal of 'first' not absolutely necessary. Just my preference.
Both chapters are a bit slow, but contain needed information. I left out punctuation problems as requested.

Dennise
Summer Vacation

Juliusb wrote 1013 days ago

Hello Nick,

I had of a scientific experiment done on humans, a boy and girl who were brought up in isolation but provided with everything a person ever needed for growing up. That the two grew up together in that isolation, interacting with no any other, only to find the girl pregnant when they became of age. Yours, “They Kingdom come” likewise is enchanting tale - God forbid, if it is allowed humanly and in the site of Gods.

Be blessed.

NickHayward wrote 1015 days ago

Gareth,
fabulous stuff, really helpful. Thank you for your time. You are obviously a busy chap.
Even though you are new at this, you seem to have a grip on this more than I have.
I wholeheartedly believe the plot is great, but completely understand my skills are not yet there to package the book for open sale. Critique is what is required followed by editing. I'm not too proud!!
Thanks again. I've popped yours on my reading list.
Nick

SF42
Nick - I'm working my way down the SF42 booklist. I've read the first ten chapters of your novel.

It didn't take me long to make the slight mental adjustment to visualise this as a film. It's got that feel to it. Have you thought of it as a film?

First comment I'd make may be the most important. Get someone to edit this for you. I'm in a similar position to you; never written anything before but very keen to get the book in my head down on paper. In my novel, every sentence I wrote sounded great in my head but when I got someone else to read it out loud I could hear the problems. If I said most of your writing could be crafted to make it read a lot better I hope you're not offended. Actually, for me it wasn't a problem. I was quite happy to look beyond the technical writing issues and see a great plot developing.

I decided to only read the first ten chapters and I was reluctant to leave it at that point in the story, just as you make the connection with your intriguing prologue. The hook is working very nicely for me. You've got just the right level of scene description and dialogue. The only bit that possibly went on a bit long for me was the Ankh Institute check in. You've made me dislike Jason a lot....which is good. I'm trying to guess what's going to happen next....which is good. I don't really have anything critical to say about the story and those 'tag' words you've added alongside the pitch are very interesting. I can only see words beginning with 'A' but they give me a good hint of what's to come. I'll rejoin this story later on once I've been right through the SF42 book list.

A couple of other comments to make -

1. That line about Billy The Kid really grated for some reason. I imagined someone performing a imaginary cowboy gun-draw to accompany the words.
2. Is it really possible to connect the intestines direct to the oesophagus?

Haven't read any of the other comments on purpose. I find that I start getting influenced by what others say. So this is just my opinion & I'm just as new to this as you are, so what the hell do I know!

Gareth








Gareth N wrote 1015 days ago

SF42
Nick - I'm working my way down the SF42 booklist. I've read the first ten chapters of your novel.

It didn't take me long to make the slight mental adjustment to visualise this as a film. It's got that feel to it. Have you thought of it as a film?

First comment I'd make may be the most important. Get someone to edit this for you. I'm in a similar position to you; never written anything before but very keen to get the book in my head down on paper. In my novel, every sentence I wrote sounded great in my head but when I got someone else to read it out loud I could hear the problems. If I said most of your writing could be crafted to make it read a lot better I hope you're not offended. Actually, for me it wasn't a problem. I was quite happy to look beyond the technical writing issues and see a great plot developing.

I decided to only read the first ten chapters and I was reluctant to leave it at that point in the story, just as you make the connection with your intriguing prologue. The hook is working very nicely for me. You've got just the right level of scene description and dialogue. The only bit that possibly went on a bit long for me was the Ankh Institute check in. You've made me dislike Jason a lot....which is good. I'm trying to guess what's going to happen next....which is good. I don't really have anything critical to say about the story and those 'tag' words you've added alongside the pitch are very interesting. I can only see words beginning with 'A' but they give me a good hint of what's to come. I'll rejoin this story later on once I've been right through the SF42 book list.

A couple of other comments to make -

1. That line about Billy The Kid really grated for some reason. I imagined someone performing a imaginary cowboy gun-draw to accompany the words.
2. Is it really possible to connect the intestines direct to the oesophagus?

Haven't read any of the other comments on purpose. I find that I start getting influenced by what others say. So this is just my opinion & I'm just as new to this as you are, so what the hell do I know!

Gareth








NickHayward wrote 1016 days ago

Hi, thanks for the advice, you're obviously a bit of a pro.
I'll get started on the changes this weekend. (Hope yours is heading in the right direction)
Nick


Great starting prologue. The introduction to the twins and their feuding is well written and worded well. Noticed possible mistake near end of prologue: "but they, nor he," may be changed to "but neither they, nor he". Just a little observation. Otherwise a great prologue that keeps the interest of the reader. Chapter 1 starts off promisingly. A little thing I like near the beginning is how he kisses the girl in bed and then tells the maid to make sure nothing goes missing. Nice touch. The medical news at the end of the chapter draws in interest to see how it pans out. Chapter 2, again, nicely worded, if a little brief. Next chapter, in the surgery is eventful and peaks interest as to what they are doing. The chapter after is not eventful enough for my liking, but that's just me. As a final word, I think the best thing you can do is to join maybe three of these chapters together to make one chapter, seperating the events with three or four line spacings. As it is, I think the chapters are too short and some are not eventful enough but joining them together would help tremendously. A fantastic story otherwise. I like the direction it is going in and the events are very intriguing. You certainly do a good job of keeping interest. I am going to return to read more chapters later on. Commented and rated. Good job. :-)

TheHappyReader wrote 1016 days ago

Great starting prologue. The introduction to the twins and their feuding is well written and worded well. Noticed possible mistake near end of prologue: "but they, nor he," may be changed to "but neither they, nor he". Just a little observation. Otherwise a great prologue that keeps the interest of the reader. Chapter 1 starts off promisingly. A little thing I like near the beginning is how he kisses the girl in bed and then tells the maid to make sure nothing goes missing. Nice touch. The medical news at the end of the chapter draws in interest to see how it pans out. Chapter 2, again, nicely worded, if a little brief. Next chapter, in the surgery is eventful and peaks interest as to what they are doing. The chapter after is not eventful enough for my liking, but that's just me. As a final word, I think the best thing you can do is to join maybe three of these chapters together to make one chapter, seperating the events with three or four line spacings. As it is, I think the chapters are too short and some are not eventful enough but joining them together would help tremendously. A fantastic story otherwise. I like the direction it is going in and the events are very intriguing. You certainly do a good job of keeping interest. I am going to return to read more chapters later on. Commented and rated. Good job. :-)

fullhouse07 wrote 1018 days ago

Chapter 8 and 9. There is a lot of great description and the Institute sounds wonderful. What a beautiful place.
In chapter 8, the last paragraph, I feel like Jason would have remarked about the swerving of the Bentley. Some recommendations chapter 9:
Paragraph 19 I recommend a period Can't complain sir."
Paragraph 20 I recommend as question mark 'Are you local?' He asks a question and then qualifies the question with a statement.
Paragraph 26 I recommend breaking up this long sentence into several. I also recommend removing 'as though' in at least one of its placings.
Paragraph 39 I recommend removing 'explaining' not needed.
Paragraph 40 I recommend removal of the last sentence. There's not need to resay he doesn't have access to restricted areas.
Paragraph 48 I recommend removal of this paragraph. Not really needed. all has already been established.
Paragraph 49 I recommend a period after 'sir'
Paragraph 55 I recommend commas here 'Entering the bathroom, to freshen up, he...'And a period after 'hours' Establishes the dream idea better. I also recommend rewording this segment 'in old men who he was about to buy their company' something like this 'in the old men whose company he was about to buy (or purchase)'
I can't wait for more reading time.

Dennise
Summer Vacation

henrywilliam1928 wrote 1019 days ago

Great idea for a novel. I'm intrigued how the suggestions will fit together in a storyline.
First 3 chapters are excellent. Will read the next few over the coming days. Well done.
Henry

NickHayward wrote 1022 days ago

Thanks for the advice - I'll get on to it.
Nick

Nice writing here. The chapters are short and punchy. A clever idea as well.

The opening is exciting with a lot of action and drama. It immediately shows me what’s wrong.

You have some punctuation issues with dialog. Look at other books/newspaper articles and sort it out.

Fix typo: “…the second twin was STANDING in the doorway.”

Jason is a nice macho character. He appears to have a human side as well. He has a fun way of speaking.

This is good work and I'll back it. I feel that it fits in the thriller category first, with a scifi aftertaste. Just make sure to go through it with a fine toothed comb and eliminate the typos and grammatical issues. Once you do that, I can see this being successful.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Brian Bandell wrote 1022 days ago

Nice writing here. The chapters are short and punchy. A clever idea as well.

The opening is exciting with a lot of action and drama. It immediately shows me what’s wrong.

You have some punctuation issues with dialog. Look at other books/newspaper articles and sort it out.

Fix typo: “…the second twin was STANDING in the doorway.”

Jason is a nice macho character. He appears to have a human side as well. He has a fun way of speaking.

This is good work and I'll back it. I feel that it fits in the thriller category first, with a scifi aftertaste. Just make sure to go through it with a fine toothed comb and eliminate the typos and grammatical issues. Once you do that, I can see this being successful.

Brian Bandell
Mute

fullhouse07 wrote 1025 days ago

Chapter 6 and 7. Interesting turn of events in Chapter 6. I feel there’s a lot of confusion in Chapter 7. ie At the beginning Searson admitted being afraid of the director. At the end he didn’t understand why he was relieved to leave. The director made a comment to ensure ‘Mr. Chambers was safe’ I’m assuming the director didn’t care if Mr. Jones was ‘safe’. What does safe mean? Maybe consider the term ‘at risk’. The director also commented ‘no more mistakes’. I didn’t think there were any mistakes only that O’Donovan pushed the limit (gambled) and lost. I feel Mr. Jones was an experiment they didn’t mind losing and Mr. Chambers will not be and experiment if his life is endangered. Here are some suggestions: Chapter 7 Paragraph 3 needs rewording. Anytime you ask the reader to figure out what is being said you will lose them. Ie Two children and a wife who was on the various….. almost sounds like a fragment. Consider He was rarely home. His wife, Sylvia, spent a great deal of time with various charities. He didn’t even remember the last time he did anything with their two children. Etc. and Paragraph 14 You did as was told… Consider You did as you were told and accepted the rewards. And the rewards were plentiful. He was set financially and he was fulfilling his scientific ambitions, especially since he became part of something extraordinary through the Institute. Wow, you were right about stuff coming up. You've got my interest, but the children want to watch the fireworks. See you later. Dennise

fullhouse07 wrote 1025 days ago

Chapter 5 Nice car. Rich people do like rich stuff, but they do worry about cost. Especially when they created their own wealth. He's not a rich brat that grew up not caring about money. This is a nice introductory chapter about Jason. The readers are left wondering what happened. I don't recommend so fast a change. They'll stop reading and lose the story trying to figure out who Jason is and how he fits with Mr. Jones and whatever happened to Mr. Jones. You've a page turner that stopped their reading when they turned the page. Not a good idea. If you've several people with brain tumors, I recommend adding them in the beginning, or if you prefer one after the other, but finish with the previous one enough so the reader doesn't get distracted. Distracted readers stop reading and your book gets left behind. Dennise

fullhouse07 wrote 1025 days ago

Chapter 4 Love the tension you created by placing O'Donovan in as an unknown at first. The countdown works great for building the tension. Some recommendations: The first paragraph is interesting, but is it important for the remainder of the book? If not, let it go. If so keep it and put it somewhere else. I feel the next paragraph is the perfect beginning of this chapter. Minor fixes second sentence, first paragraph add he before had. Check his name (control f and put in Jones in find and make sure you haven't made this same mistake anywhere else 4th paragraph you have Lones. 9th paragraph I recommend removing was from the second sentence. Good page turner ending. I'm thinking once you've made the changes you want, you might want to combine some of the chapters.

NickHayward wrote 1028 days ago

Thanks.
At this present time I am a novice (no previous writing experience) with, what I believe, is a great idea for a novel (please wait till later in the story, some big hits coming up!) you appear to be the most experienced person that has taken an interest in the book.
Again, thank you. I will be actioning your advice this weekend.


So far, I like the storyline and plan to continue reading. Some suggestions: I'm told not to make lists with sentences unless you have no choice. I'm not sure who doesn't like them. I recommend in the first sentence a period after phone, then one after am. He's waking up. Breaking up the sentence allows the reader to wake up with him. Most people don't become fully awake after a restless night (indicates lack of sleep) and/or a migraine. I recommend rewording. I looked up migraines and coffee (checked coffee because many say they aren't fully awake and functional until they've had theirs and I thought I may have heard it is good for migraines) and found this: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1275419/Best-cure-migraine-headaches-cup-coffee-two.html consider using this information to "wake him up" I was really bothered that the woman slept through the phone, his shower, etc. She should be somewhat responsive if only a groan or two. I could see her lack of response if he just plain woke up, but not with the noise and it being morning. Put periods or reword sentences that have semi-colons. They're supposed to be 'out' now. :) Many of your sentences are too long. Reword or punctuate to shorten. Shorter sentences tend to add importance to what you are trying to portray. I really like your speech-mini skirt comparison. If this is a cliche, please consider rewording, if not, please leave it there. Why did he answer the phone the second time the doctor called? I like what you've done, but give the reader a reason why. Most people would have let it go until after the meeting. I recommend introducing Chris in this chapter. Either Jason thinks about him when he's telling us their plans, or actually make a meeting with him first to go over their plans. You named a lot of characters in this chapter. I recommend leaving their names out unless you'll use them in the future. ie his best friend and business partner, etc. Don't give the reader too much to have to remember unless it is important. Remember, whenever possible use dialogue to tell us stuff. I recommend going through your manuscript and fix your sentence lengths as recommended. See if some of your sentences are lists. Can be placed in other parts of your manuscript? Confirm through web searching or talking to a nurse, doctor or oncologist that his doctor would have insisted he drop everything and go. Make sure your storyline is believable. (a really good book to read on this subject is "It's Not About the Bike" by Lance Armstrong. It's been too long since I read it to remember this detail. See what he went through and use what will improve your believability) Don't get discouraged by all this. Use contractions whenever possible, ie it is should be it's unless you really want it is as a stress point, then make sure your writing shows us this stress. Like I wrote earlier, you have a really good storyline, just need to make some adjustments here and there. As always, remember, you're the author and my suggestions are only that.

fullhouse07 wrote 1028 days ago

Chapters 2 and 3 So far, I like the storyline and plan to continue reading. Some suggestions: I'm told not to make lists with sentences unless you have no choice. I'm not sure who doesn't like them. I recommend in the first sentence a period after phone, then one after am. He's waking up. Breaking up the sentence allows the reader to wake up with him. Most people don't become fully awake after a restless night (indicates lack of sleep) and/or a migraine. I recommend rewording. I looked up migraines and coffee (checked coffee because many say they aren't fully awake and functional until they've had theirs and I thought I may have heard it is good for migraines) and found this: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1275419/Best-cure-migraine-headaches-cup-coffee-two.html consider using this information to "wake him up" I was really bothered that the woman slept through the phone, his shower, etc. She should be somewhat responsive if only a groan or two. I could see her lack of response if he just plain woke up, but not with the noise and it being morning. Put periods or reword sentences that have semi-colons. They're supposed to be 'out' now. :) Many of your sentences are too long. Reword or punctuate to shorten. Shorter sentences tend to add importance to what you are trying to portray. I really like your speech-mini skirt comparison. If this is a cliche, please consider rewording, if not, please leave it there. Why did he answer the phone the second time the doctor called? I like what you've done, but give the reader a reason why. Most people would have let it go until after the meeting. I recommend introducing Chris in this chapter. Either Jason thinks about him when he's telling us their plans, or actually make a meeting with him first to go over their plans. You named a lot of characters in this chapter. I recommend leaving their names out unless you'll use them in the future. ie his best friend and business partner, etc. Don't give the reader too much to have to remember unless it is important. Remember, whenever possible use dialogue to tell us stuff. I recommend going through your manuscript and fix your sentence lengths as recommended. See if some of your sentences are lists. Can be placed in other parts of your manuscript? Confirm through web searching or talking to a nurse, doctor or oncologist that his doctor would have insisted he drop everything and go. Make sure your storyline is believable. (a really good book to read on this subject is "It's Not About the Bike" by Lance Armstrong. It's been too long since I read it to remember this detail. See what he went through and use what will improve your believability) Don't get discouraged by all this. Use contractions whenever possible, ie it is should be it's unless you really want it is as a stress point, then make sure your writing shows us this stress. Like I wrote earlier, you have a really good storyline, just need to make some adjustments here and there. As always, remember, you're the author and my suggestions are only that.

fullhouse07 wrote 1029 days ago

Prologue This definitely encourages me to read on. It moves fast and gives us some great insight on the twins and their guard. Some suggestions: I feel the fifth paragraph sentence is a bit long. I recommend a period after laughs, then rewording the rest as a complete sentence. I feel this will also hold the tension better. The seventh paragraph is awkward and may work better as two. The tenth paragraph did you mean 'the other boy stood in the doorway' I'm uncertain who is talking in the eleventh paragraph. The twelfth paragraph talks about 20 years, but they boys are only 16? I also recommend adding 'an' in front of excellent education. I also recommend, in the last paragraph 'an' in front of ex-marine. In the same paragraph you have what's-this means what is-I recommend dropping the 's. Great page turner at the end. Want to find out how they are going to disrupt the world. Dennise

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