Rose of the Alchemist

ROSE OF THE ALCHEMIST
Thalia

I read all four chapters you have here. In my opinion, this is a story written with great skill. Your characterization is superb. They all possess personalities that are unique unto themselves. I feel that Xavier is worthy of the care of your reader. You have made him appealing. I rather believe that Meri is a female. Interesting how you give that away little by little. Although I do not know this for certain, I suspect it with good reason.

I believe your imagery is brilliant. It provides a very real background for the stage where you set your players. I feel this is the way of Fantasy writing and those who do not understand that building a world that is separate from reality is what this is all about. Therefore, it takes more in the way of exposition to flesh out the surrounding landscape and the culture where your characters live and interact. All that makes the story unique to the world you have created. I love your style of writing and enjoyed immersing myself in the scenes.

I am pleased to back your story and wish you the best. Looking forward to reading more.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A KING IN TIME

Rose of the Alchemist
by Thalia

Beautiful language, poetic prose, a rare literary achievement where fact meets fiction. The talented author is gifted with a writing style that has literally 'transmuted tin into silver(gold : )' in the reader's mind! 'Rose of the Alchemist' will make a great novel and an excellent read.

Best wishes,
Shweta

Rose of the Alchemist.
By Thalia.

I've read some of this in the past, I've come back to read more.
You are a very skillful and clever writer.
The book has some very picturesque writing…essential for a fantasy story such as this.
In my opinion, there can never be enough excellent description and you satisfy this criteria.
You’ve produced a story that’s full of mystery, drawing the reader into it with eloquent passages and vivid scenery…great stuff!
I rather liked the following:-

‘Opening the lock with a sprig of spring root collected by midsummer moon, which expanded the iron latch so the bar slipped soundlessly through’…This may not seem much, but it keeps the reader involved.
Some very nice description here and there’s plenty throughout your book.
…Gema went pale and trembling as aspen leaves in a breeze…
…Her eyes began to tear, as she tied a lacing on his tunic and brushed an unruly lock from his forehead…
…She would sit at his cradle, humming a gypsy lullaby, as her unbound hair spilled around him in ribbons of ebony…

I have not read it all…I will read on of course…it’s a pleasure to read.
You are a truly gifted writer for this type of story; your imagination knows no bounds.
Pleased to give it the highest star rating.
Will shelve when I can…on my list!!


Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone.

"Rose of the Alchemist" is fantastic. Right from the beginning it graps you with its imagery and beauty. The romance in it is breath taking yet does not consume the story. Your writing carries both the romance as well as the fantasy edge perfectly without making it sugary sweet.

Right from the start you hooked me with the mysterious message from Eaedori predicting an oncoming doom. Your story is full of vivid descriptions, beautiful scenary, and intriguing dialogue. i look forward to reading more.

Great Job.

Club Grimoire Review

Your chapter is very beautiful. I loved the backstory (back story fan :) ) I also loved the way you described your characters and introduced both your mc and the main line of the plot.

Characters: Love your mc and his history. I like his gift as well. You do a great job of describing without actually bogging down the text. Felt sorry for his parents, but love the character Gemma that you made into his surrogate mother. She's protective and wise even though she's only a servant.

Plot - good hook, with nice overshadowing. I was drawn into the story very well as you mixed past and present.

Overall - this is something I would read and enjoy. Great job.

Here to start commenting for our reading swap!
Since I have a limited time span with a computer I am currently only commenting on chapter one!
So far I really like what you have here, Xavier is a relatable guy, (other than his super magic abilities) he's caring, and even has a crush on someone. Also, his falcon is great! I love the sarcasm --oh Jophiel. Another thing I really love is your talent for imagery. It seems as a writer you have the ability to place the image perfectly in your reader's mind. Which can be very difficult at times. Just a sidenote--I love the Bambine Seer, she is slightly creepy but still really cool which is a great mix!

Here are some things that I am wondering about a little. And maybe some will be answered in the chapters to come. What were his mothers range of abilities? Was she only a seer or was there more? Also, if Xavier's mother was disowned how did Gemma hear from her that Xavier might have powers too? I really like Gemma, but I did not get a good grasp on her in this first chapter, I want to know more about her. How old is she? How does she really feel about magic?

Finally just a nitpicky thing, I think it occasionally switches POV, is it third person, or is it from his perspective? Because you refer to Xavier's grandfather as 'his' grandmother but Xavier's mother is just 'mother'. Maybe I am wrong I don't know but it just felt kind of funny to read.

Hopefully I was helpful and not to critiquey!
I really love what I have read so far.

Bethany
Riptide Landing

This is an ERS comment http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/108600/extreme-read-swap-ers-/

Vivid Fulfilling Scholarly

Watchlisted for later.

Your description of the characters is very good. Its magic in more ways than one. i am a big fan of this type of book but dont get to read it often enough. I like the way you have done it and look forward to reading it some more. I will be interested to see how this does. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R). please consider me for a read or Watch List wont you? Happy New year. Sean

Thalia, I was drifting through Authonomy when I came across your book...read all you've posted; what an atmospheric tale. I wish I could have read more. I loved the lyrical names like the Bembine, and Jophiel, the falcon. The only name that seemed incongruous and out of place was Gemma. Too modern and not at all what I'd expect in a story that seems almost medieval in places. But that was my only gripe. Your writing is very polished and flows with ease. I hope you post more...soon. Highly starred.
M.J
The Magpie King & Front Crawl Frankie

Hi Thalia,

A friend told me that you had a falcon in your book. So I had to read it. A Seraph Falcon with the ability to read the thoughts of one it blends with, no less. I read the first three chapters of the "Rose of the Alchemist". There are some interesting things going on, like Xavier being suckled by a jenny until his grandfather finds him; the magical incident with the bull; the meeting with the Bembine lass. I think you provided a nice hook in each chapter. I'm wondering whether Damien's use of the final quotation at the end of chapter 2 signifies that he's not going to be as helpful as he suggested. Really nice writing here. A very involving tale. High stars from me.

In chapter 2, I caught a small typo "spout" should be "sprout".

Regards Scott Butcher (The Merlin Falcon)

Hi Thalia,

thank you for inviting me to read this... it is RIDICULOUS... and i mean that in the best possible way... like ridiculously good... or ridiculously creative... or ridiculously imaginative... you get my point. It's just ridiculous.

you've got so much going on in that first chapter alone, so much insight, so much detail, so much mythical history, it's hard not to get wrapped up... What I want to know though, is why haven't you joined WTF?

this book would be perfect for it... or even YARG - also a good group for you...

I've attached the links - go on and say hello, i'm sure they'd welcome you with open arms :)

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

invite to WTF: http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/106125/wtf-write-the-fantasy/
invite to YARG: http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/103435/young-adult-reading-group-yarg-iii-/

Rose of the Alchemist is a wonderful story with very rich descriptions and characters. Chapter one grabs attention and does a good job of giving background info and a good start to character development for Xavier.

The writing was flawless with the possible exception of a scene in chapter 3 that confused me.

"Xavier gaped at him, and then asked incredulously, "you can mind-speak Jophiel? How is that possible?" It seem that Xavier is addressing Meri but calls him Jophiel- who is the bird. Or should this read: "you can mind- speak (with?) Jophiel? How is that possible?"

That was the only nit pick I could find as any constructive criticism. Overall beautifully written and I would love to continue to read more and I hope you will continue posting. 5 stars and backed. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

Hi Thalia,
After reading your interesting pitch, I delved into your book to read the first chapter, so that I could have a feel of your novel and your writing style. I couldn't put it down and continued to read until the end of Chapter 3. I would read all you've posted so far, but I have guests for the evening, so I had to give a break.

I think you have a marvelous first-person tone of voice and I enjoyed reding your narratives. The dialogue scenes are equally successful.

Your MCs; Xavier, Edwina, Master Damien, Yorek and Jophiel sound like they're already living, as you've portrayed them very clearly from the beginning. I know who is who, and what's the current premise, so it's easy to follow -thanks to your great sense of structure and pace.

Highly starred and I'm looking forward to hearing your comments on my book as well,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

I don't know how to write great comments, but I can tell you I've enjoyed the first chapter and that I'll read more. I don't think I picked up on any mistakes and I usually do, but it all flowed so nicely and pulled me in. I love your style, and the descriptions come to life. So far, judging by the first chapter only, it has a nice publishable quality to it.

Looking forward to reading more.

Maya, Dragon's Treasure

Hi Thalia,

This is really intriguing. The plot is gripping, a well thought out fantasy, and full of mysteries. You started off strong in chapter one and you continued to wow us in the next chapters. I love the back story because it's perfect and not giving us too much information. The main characters were well introduced and the imagery throughout the book is just fantastic. I loved your unique ideas. I enjoyed Xavier's character and I'll sure come back to read more of Rose of the Alchemist.

Great job, and for that I give this high stars. Thank you very much for sharing such a beautiful story.

I invite you to read and rate my book as well, and thank you very much for your support in advance.

D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURE

Your narration/prose and dialogue has some really superb word usage. High stars from me and I look forward to more chapters being posted.

A wonderful read, dear Thalia! I do like it.
All stars and my admiration.

Val But
Escape

Thalia,
I like the name Eaedori. The names you have selected throughout Chapter One are great. Ascensions Gardens; Bembine; Xavier; Salazar; Jophiel. What an imagination you have! Seer of Lochamin has traveled from Cloister of Lochamin to deliver a prophecy. He seeks to consume the spirit of Xavier His name is Salazar.

"They move to the strings of his will like marionettes with painted smiles."

Lady Amethea -- Good Name The nanny -- I am guessing we learn later why the nanny does not want Xavier to tell his father.

This is a good read. Your writing is easy to read and your characters are strong. I wish the best for you.
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

Hey. Just wanted to say, your book is ranked 1337. Clearly it's very leet. ahhaa :)

Hello Thalia.

I read the first chapter of your book and I was enthralled. Your selection of language is masterful, unique to the theme and setting your trying to describe, and absolutely perfect with the imagery. At first the beginning was a bit dull with the way you opened the story, a bit confusing and presenting more questions than information but that immediately transitioned and morphed into beautiful depiction and effortless story flow. Perhaps a mysterious prologue would help open your story better? Such as the Necromancer as a shadowy figure charting the Zodiakos and presenting an ominous setting?

Other than the beginning needing a bit more life and less confusion, perhaps explaining a few terms will help keep your readers from feeling discouraged? Such as what is Zodiakos and who or what is Bembine and how is it significant to the world your painting? You eventually bring to light that its an order of unique foretellers but a bit of background will lessen the mystification I felt as a reader, unless you truly don't want to divulge the information till later on in the story. You kept me as a reader, engaged and eager to read more, so if you present the information eventually but not too late in the book, that would be fine. I would hope not to feel lost forever trying to understand the terms your using that are unique to your world.

I loved how you described the events and flashbacks, Xavier is still a bit of a mystery in the first chapter and a bit out of connection with the reader, but I'm sure if I continue to read I will soon find myself connecting with your character and empathizing with him. The dialogue of your characters is sublime and absolutely tasteful. Your 'old style' diction is a wonderful array of obviously well selected words. Your writing has a fine poetic touch and is very rich and deep, giving an insightful feel to your story. I love how you presented Xavier and the bull, his gift was a wondrous sight to read. I look forward to reading the next three chapters and I hope you add more soon since I will be adding this to my watch list and I hope to back you up to the desk, your novel has unquestionable potential and a book I am more than sure many would love to read and a sure addition to my shelf if you publish it. You are a most talented writer. Thank you for sharing your imagination with all of us!

Nicole M. Pendragon, author of Sky Warriors: Poleuthan's Thief

Club Grimoire First Chapter Read / Critique

Comment removed at Author's Request.

Club Grimoire Critique

Thalia,

The descriptions are vivid and colourful, of a rather dream-like world, not set in any particular time or place.
In terms of structure, it might have been more dramatic to end the first chapter with the seer’s prophecy. As it is there is an abrupt transition:
‘Then she pulled the hood over her face and disappeared back into the shadows. He returned to his room and tried to sleep…’
At the very least I’d have expected Xavier to have a few questions. But as he doesn’t ask any and life seems to go on as normal afterwards, it might make a suitable end of chapter hook.

You have a good, fluid style. The only thing I’d say to look out for is repetition of ‘he’ and ‘his’. There are an awful lot of them and occasionally the sense isn’t clear. For example:
‘He got up to unlatch the window for Jophiel, ruffling his wings impatiently on the ledge.’
I think the ‘his’ refers back to the ‘he’, meaning they were Xavier’s wings. It might be better to say …Jophiel, who was ruffling his wings…

Did Gemma’s baby die of the cholera or the black death, or are they two different chambermaids?

Not sure a tune can be ribald.

I was puzzled by the time frame. Xavier is taken out to play by the chambermaid and meets the bull, the next year he goes to university. How old is he meant to be?

Overall impression is of an attractive story for younger readers, with some lovely bits of descriptive writing.

Club Grimoire Review

Your chapter is very beautiful. I loved the backstory (back story fan :) ) I also loved the way you described your characters and introduced both your mc and the main line of the plot.

Characters: Love your mc and his history. I like his gift as well. You do a great job of describing without actually bogging down the text. Felt sorry for his parents, but love the character Gemma that you made into his surrogate mother. She's protective and wise even though she's only a servant.

Plot - good hook, with nice overshadowing. I was drawn into the story very well as you mixed past and present.

Overall - this is something I would read and enjoy. Great job.

Hey Thalia,

Your idea is really cool, the fantasy aspects really draw you in. :)
The description is really vivid and it's like you are actually in the world
Xavier is really well developed and his ability to talk to animals is really cool.
In regards to the fact this is YA fiction, I think it has a lot of promise because it reads as more 'adult'.
I hope you put more of your book up:) High stars

I'm going to try to find a spot on my shelf!

- Bree

I did read this and comment a while back but now I left high stars that I forgot to add

Rose of the Alchemist

I like the set up of the first chapter, it seems dark and foreboding and you just know that something interesting is going to happen.

I was surprised when he was able to talk to the falcon and would have liked just an inkling as to how that was possible.

When the seer shows up and gives him the prophecy this seems to be the culmination of this chapter, and yet you continue. Chapter 1 should be where you hook your reader and you do that. But then you also do yourself and the story a disservice by detracting from the prophecy. I would think that if you ended the chapter right there the impact would be greater. Instead you continue on which does nothing but dilute the revelation that you just gave us.

As the story goes on we learn more about the world that you created and the people that populate it. I think Xavier is a very interesting character and I enjoyed reading about him. You tell us eventually that he has the ability to converse with animals but it comes much later. I can’t help but think that you should give us some sort of clue about this a little earlier along.

The reader is often willing to wait for a few things but this an important one and can surely be hinted at without loosing the impact of explaining it all later.

All in all, an interesting story.

Best regards,

Sharon

I am really plesently surprised at how this reads! I love that, even though it's categorized as YA, it still has that adult, intelligent feel. I'm adding this to my shelf, but I will definitely be back for more!!

Brittany E.
Melaney and the Mirror

Some of your comments call the book a tapestry and that's how I see it; a very rich, beautiful, many stranded tapestry. Your descriptions and details are great and create your world (this is the bit I find difficult if I try to write fantasy but you do it brilliantly.) Descriptions like love, or attraction anyway, looking like a 'beautiful ballet of blue, gold and ginger flames'. Great description. You throw in background details effortlessly and convincingl and with humour, just a mention of the succubus of Thorny Glen as something they all know about. The account of how alchemy works makes perfect sense, finding the seed of a calf in a wild bull or a seed of stone withink gras. The characters are sympathetic and believable. I like Meri though I did guess she was female almost at once. I did notice one minor thing right at the beginning, I wasn't sure who was doing the ruffling as it sounded like Xavier but obviously was the bird. Finished everything you have uploaded and really enjoyed it. six stars and staying on my watchlist for later.

vivid descriptions, poetic and crisp are parts of Rose of the Alchemist

overall, fantastic

Thalia, I read all four chapters and loved it! Your descriptions are so vivid and you have a real feel for dialogue. Little details really bring the story to life. One suggestion -- there are parts of Chapter 2 that are very well written, but there's also sections that really qualify as info-dump -- way too much information without any dialogue or action to make them interesting. I like knowing Xavier's relationships and the history, but I would suggest you find a way to break it up, weave it into the story, something. Otherwise, I think you've done a lovely job with this book and I wish you well with it. You have a very wonderful imagination. Thank you for sharing that world with us.

Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

I just started reading and I am very delighted with what i am seeing here, i will read all

Isoje David
Animals In Paradise

Well, as I agreed, I've come for a read-swap. I've just read the first chapter, but thought I would comment in a general way. Your descriptions are breath-taking. I'm a world-builder myself, so appreciate writers who spent time on description, but you have a rare gift to paint word picturs. You also have a sentient bird and I have a sentient horse and dog, so we're comrades in ink. Since you only have four chapters up, I'll probably read the otehr three and get back and get back with you. Chapter 1 is a fine start!

Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

Hi Thalia,

This critique is based on the first chapter.

I think the best word for this so far is "rich". It's so full of description, imagery and culture, the reader is drawn in more gradually and softly than in contrast to an action-packed beginning.

This story is just oozing with magic. I like how you don't explain everything and just slip information in. For example, I thought you did a good job giving us Xavier's physical description without it being too obvious. The same with the fantasy elements: you don't just tell us what everything is with a dictionary description, but through showing us. Slipping in the Black Death was a subtle enough way to tell us the time period as well.

I'm suggesting maybe pulling back on the descriptions though. Don't get me wrong, your descriptions are really pretty, but in my opinion, there are too many of them. It kind of slows the narrative down a little bit, to the point where I'm craving a bit of action. Maybe if you see some similes or descriptions that don't add anything, considering shortening them, or taking them out.

I'll keep this on my watchlist and read the rest when I have more time. The content really interests me (alchemy!) and your'e a really good writer. Best of luck!

Liz

Thalia,

I thought I would only read one chapter but once I started I was hooked. I read all four chapters. I hope you'll post more, soon. Your writing is lovely, and your descriptions really bring the setting and characters to life. I'm giving this high stars
.
Great job!

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Thalia,
I was fascinated by your use of names. One of the criticisms made of the Dark Citadel was that I mixed names from different origins and different mythologies. I don’t see what’s wrong with it and I’m very gratified to see that you do the same thing: Xavier, Catherine, Cassandra, Jophiel, Jarvis, The Holy Land, Christian crosses and saints, Samhain, hermetic gifts, and you even have Salazar, the name of the Portuguese dictator.
You paint a convincing picture of a half-familiar bygone age, manor houses that a kid can escape from by climbing out of the window, taverns frequented by rival bands of students, domestic staff close enough for their family history to be known. And you add the exotic touches of communicating birds, necromancy, alchemy classes, seers, prophesies and the menace of an evil entity.
The language is good, not overladen with archaisms, nor spattered with modern anachronisms (my pet hates!).

These are just the notes as I made as I went along – none of them very important.

‘Jophiel became his mentor and companion, but because of his pride, he just had to rebel against his wise council sometimes.’ Need to specifiy who ‘he’ is – the falcon or Xavier?

Was Gemma the same chambermaid as lost a child to cholera? Or was it the Black Death?

Didn’t understand what a kestrel was – I always thought it was a cutting knife, like for doing woodworking. I’d have thought the young men would have carried more dagger-type knives.

How could Xavier tall the room was free of vermin, they’d be in the bedding.

Should you mention in the pitch that Meri is a woman in disguise since you don’t reveal it in the uploaded chapters?

The short pitch jarred a little for me: ‘an evil sorcerer who holds the allure of the nocturnal angel…’ I would have said ‘with the allure of the nocturnal angel’ but that might be either European usage, or simple missing the point on my part.

I enjoyed this read and I’m glad I picked it off the list. What a shame there’s not more of it!
Highly starred for the moment and on my watchlist.
Jane

Hi Thalia,
I've managed to read the first chapter and upon reading the first paragraph, I was immediately pulled in into Xavier's world of Fantasy and Romance. I'm not used to reading stories of this style or set in this period of time but I strangely enjoyed. It starts off very dark and ominous. I love your vivid descriptions and your dialogues are perfect and fitting for your characters. I have nothing but nice things to say about this.

Highly Starred! :)

Hey Thalia,

Lovely tapestry that's being formed here. I'm into fantasy stuff, it makes for brilliant escapism, and this is great. It's good humoured, got plenty of those quirky fantasy elements I love (e.g. Copia's Fire). On the watchlist. Thanks for introducing me to this.

Michael

ROSE OF THE ALCHEMIST
You’ve created a great fantasy world for this story. Xavior is a good main character. He’s both likable and sympathetic because although he has secret powers, they give him added responsibilities. You have a good writing style for fantasy fiction as you know how to describe characters or settings in just enough detail your reader knows what things look like, not so much you bog down your story. Makes this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Sounds like a very good magic book. Very interesting and very good writing, I liked everything you wrote, I say well done!
Thanks,
Scott

"Rose of the Alchemist" is fantastic. Right from the beginning it graps you with its imagery and beauty. The romance in it is breath taking yet does not consume the story. Your writing carries both the romance as well as the fantasy edge perfectly without making it sugary sweet.

Right from the start you hooked me with the mysterious message from Eaedori predicting an oncoming doom. Your story is full of vivid descriptions, beautiful scenary, and intriguing dialogue. i look forward to reading more.

Great Job.

Rose of the Alchemist
by Thalia

Beautiful language, poetic prose, a rare literary achievement where fact meets fiction. The talented author is gifted with a writing style that has literally 'transmuted tin into silver(gold : )' in the reader's mind! 'Rose of the Alchemist' will make a great novel and an excellent read.

Best wishes,
Shweta

I like the fantasy elements you've created. Because my own story has a lot to do with plants I like the mention of several different species they seem to fit within the story contents. The way you revealed Xavier's childhood through dialogue and narrative was very well written. I also like your setup to the adventure that Xavier and Meri will undertake both of them being visited by a seer. The fact that Xavier is still learning should create a lot of conflict futher in the story when he goes against Salazar. Overall a great start.

Your writing is strong, almost poetic in your descriptions.
Your characters are captivating and believable.
The story has a good strong plot and you are well versed with your market.
You visualise your scenes well and your POV works very well with this plot.
You weave the story and leave just enough to draw the reader into the next chapter.
Your voice is natural and crisp.
I enjoyed your writing.
Keep going.

Hi Thalia,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me so long. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions.

In the short pitch, there should be a comma between “naïve” and “young.”

“shatters his world” sort of feels cliché to me, but that might just be me.

This is a good pitch and a great premise, though I still think some of the backstory can be whittled down to focus more on the hooks.

Chapter one

What’s a crier?

Why does a moth falling make him flinch? I’m not seeing the significance.

“kept drifting” might read better as “drifted”

Great introspection and fantastic imagery.

I love your writing, specifically your voice. The MC is very likeable and you have a knack for showing, not telling. I really don’t have much in the way of criticism, which isn’t typical for me. I’ll gladly give this time of my shelf once a space becomes available.

Looking forward to your thoughts on mine. It’s always helpful to hear what a talented writer like yourself has to say.

Best of luck with this.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

l love genre and use all the tools needed to tell your tale- background, characters, decriptive narrative and excellent dialogue...
backed
six stars******
read SEASONS...

NIce idea you've got going here with a few unexpected twists and turns. I backed it and I'll be back to read more later.

Sara

ROSE OF THE ALCHEMIST
Thalia

I read all four chapters you have here. In my opinion, this is a story written with great skill. Your characterization is superb. They all possess personalities that are unique unto themselves. I feel that Xavier is worthy of the care of your reader. You have made him appealing. I rather believe that Meri is a female. Interesting how you give that away little by little. Although I do not know this for certain, I suspect it with good reason.

I believe your imagery is brilliant. It provides a very real background for the stage where you set your players. I feel this is the way of Fantasy writing and those who do not understand that building a world that is separate from reality is what this is all about. Therefore, it takes more in the way of exposition to flesh out the surrounding landscape and the culture where your characters live and interact. All that makes the story unique to the world you have created. I love your style of writing and enjoyed immersing myself in the scenes.

I am pleased to back your story and wish you the best. Looking forward to reading more.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A KING IN TIME

Hi Thalia- definitely worth joining the Alliance forum!
I have read your first chapter just now. It's excellent- you have a lyrical turn of phrase and attention to detail that is never over done. Within the first chapter you have effectively brought in significant amounts of history and setting without feeling over loaded. The plot is moving well and the only points I'd make are stylistic:
- it feels like two chapters in one. I'd break after the encounter in the garden. Then have chapter 2 as a retrospective chapter.
- some punctuation and capitalisation needs touching up
- one or two bits of dialogue grate a little. Gemma sounds like Yoda at one point. The obvious trick is to read them out alone or with a friend and hear how they sound. Helped me with my book.
Will try to get back to it soon, although have a list of 18 I am juggling!
Regards, Ross
(Dreams of Darkness Rising)

Rose of the Alchemist.
By Thalia.

I've read some of this in the past, I've come back to read more.
You are a very skillful and clever writer.
The book has some very picturesque writing…essential for a fantasy story such as this.
In my opinion, there can never be enough excellent description and you satisfy this criteria.
You’ve produced a story that’s full of mystery, drawing the reader into it with eloquent passages and vivid scenery…great stuff!
I rather liked the following:-

‘Opening the lock with a sprig of spring root collected by midsummer moon, which expanded the iron latch so the bar slipped soundlessly through’…This may not seem much, but it keeps the reader involved.
Some very nice description here and there’s plenty throughout your book.
…Gema went pale and trembling as aspen leaves in a breeze…
…Her eyes began to tear, as she tied a lacing on his tunic and brushed an unruly lock from his forehead…
…She would sit at his cradle, humming a gypsy lullaby, as her unbound hair spilled around him in ribbons of ebony…

I have not read it all…I will read on of course…it’s a pleasure to read.
You are a truly gifted writer for this type of story; your imagination knows no bounds.
Pleased to give it the highest star rating.
Will shelve when I can…on my list!!


Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone.

"Rose of the Alchemist"

Title: small question – why the inverted commas?

Short pitch: excellent. Everything I need to know in a brief intriguing statement.

Long pitch: everything that the short pitch isn’t! Too long, discursive and detailed. That third paragraph for example is completely unnecessary. Whilst the MC and maybe one or two lesser characters may need to be mentioned, details of their role and interaction with the MC can be left to the main body of text. So, that stuff about ‘Harvest Festival’ isn’t needed. You can easily simplify down without losing anything vital. The reader just needs their interest piqued.

Main text: I found several things as I read: a good imaginative voice and an intriguing fantasy story starting to emerge. You clearly have an ability with words. There were many excellent descriptive passages with nice phrases and excellent word choice. The first chapter has sufficient ‘movement’ to start the reader into the story and you got plenty of details of your MC and his background across without making it tiresome. That’s tricky so well done.

I also found several stylistic elements that need attention. Don’t panic though, they are easy to fix on your next edit. You have a tendency to use too many words. This genre, and the magical subject matter, seem to encourage a certain ‘posture’ in the kind of description used. I’ve seen it before on Authonomy. I get it. It adds a quality of self-importance to the text to enhance the ideas of there being chosen people, special skills etc. However, it can get too wordy. A simple example: ‘The moonlight was flooding the gardens’, passive (not necessarily bad) and also excessive. Why not just ‘Moonlight flooded the gardens’? And in your first para: ‘dress she had worn for the’, why not just ‘dress at the’? It’s a dress. Women wear them, so the reader does not need to be told she was wearing it.

You also slip into run on sentences in several places. For example: ‘Opening the lock with a sprig of spring root collected by midsummer moon, which expanded the iron latch so the bar slipped soundlessly through, he stepped out into the moonlit gardens.’ Too many ideas in one sentence confuses the reader. If you go through you will quickly see where these excesses occur and be able to excise them accordingly.

Sorry for taking so long to get to this... crazy WL.

Ok, I've read the 1sy chapter and from what I can see it's certainly up there with the best fantasy on the site. I love your characters names. Xavier and Edwina fit the genre really will. A nice little bit of romance intermingled is very refreshing.

You have some beautiful description without being over-elaborate or boring. I had a great sense of place as I read and really felt pulled into the imaginary world.

Slightly long paragraphs for my liking, but then again, I'm not overly familiar with this genre so that may be the norm. Other than that the pacing was spot on.

Best of luck with this.

Janny :)

On my watchlist for now -loved what i saw and will read more as soon as I can.

The writing is good but I find I do not want to read more that the first chapter.

I think you'll need to work on hooking the reader more.

Thalia,
"Rose of the Alchemist" is an excellent example of romance/fantasy writing. The fantastic imagery puts the reader in the setting and allows the reader to visualize the story. I am partial to stories set in this time frame and your writing has carried it out perfectly. Will back this book and rate highly. Would love to read the entire story. Wonderful job!!
Gretchen
Drágön Spawn

I love the natural flow of your writing. You definitely have a talent for putting words together. You also did a good job of introducing a lot of information without providing an infodump early on. You've created a vivid world with very little description. That's not an easy task in a fantasy novel, so well done!

This novel has an outstanding premise, and I'm intrigued by the seers. They serve as a good hook. I want to know more about them. You also create immediate conflict with her telling him that a necromancer is coming for him. And you give an excellent description of the necromancer. It seems so small, but with the introduction of this, I'm officially hooked.

Though the whole idea of a young male with a great destiny has been done before, there's enough here to make this novel unique and stand apart. Xavier is a great character and is easy to relate to. I like the fact you started with him daydreaming about a girl. Though he's training in alchemy, he's an ordinary teenager. Perfect for the target age group.

I do have some minor suggestions. I would change "by" to "with" in "rewarded by a reprimanding peck." I'd pare down your third paragraph. It's a bit of a beast and it would be easier to spot the main ideas if it were several shorter paragraphs. You wouldn't want important information like the appearance of the figure with the dark cloak getting lost. In fact, you have quite a few long paragraphs that might be stronger if shortened or broken up. You mention a lot of names early in this, and I wonder if it would be easier to follow if you mentioned fewer. Can we see into Xavier's mind when the seer announces that she's there to see him? Shouldn't he show some fear or at least have some reaction?

I got really confused at the point he wakes up the next morning. You have him doing it twice within two paragraphs. I think this is a mistake?

Also, have you considered breaking up your pitch into smaller paragraphs? It's a good pitch, but I think broken up it would pack a more powerful punch.

Despite my minor nitpicks, in the end, I was hooked. This is a solid fantasy novel that I recommend checking out. Good job!