Every Wrong Road

This story was interesting to me, as it had a great plot with Katie losing her mother in the beginning and having to deal with so much sorrow and anger, and then meeting Joey, who was also battling his own demons. I'm wondering how they will both continue to deal with their secret thoughts and lives. You kept the story moving ahead with good dialogue and interesting characters.

I only saw a couple typos throughout. I think you have done a nice job editing.

Ch. 1
Katie stared at her mother’s beaten body, shaking k (take out k) her head in disbelief.
Her eyes widen (ed) and her stomach sunk.
She shook her head, backing herself further into her corner, wishing she was (were) nearer (to) the door.
Ch. 2
When He (he) looked back at the blonde…
Ch. 3
Tears were she over a youth stripped away and the fact she was forced by authorities to live with an estranged aunt(.)

It looks like God will be come a more solid part of the story in time. I'd like to know more of that part of your story. I certainly hope you enjoy the site and hope you have success on here.

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Chapter 4 -- man, haven't we all been a post-funeral reception that was that uncomfortable?

DId you mean "grievers" or "mourners". If you're using the term as Katie would use it, fine. I'm just pointing it out.

Continuity issue when Katie is praying to God, sometimes you capitalize You and something you don't.

When Mrs. Gardner is talking to her, you wrote "her familiar voice, the same voice ..." I'd drop the familiar and just go with the "same voice she used for reading ...." And, a hymnal is a book of collected hymns. I think you mean she sang "hymns".

When she screams at Mrs. Garner, I think you mean it became evident that she realized she'd revealed too much.

"Katie, let's talk about his later." I think you might mean "this" or "his sentence" later.

Cheryl found out a "couple of days ago", but didn't tell Katie, even though she knew that people from NY were coming to the funeral? And, she's a counselor???? I liked Cheryl up to this point, but now I'm thinking she's an idiot.

Joey "knelt down and stuck his free under the ..." You mean "free (hand)" I think.

'... was a painful reminder of a past he rather forget." You need "he'd" or "he would rather."

Nice twist that his step-father is a cop. I'm now wondering if this family is so dysfunctional that Andrew would arrest the kid if he asked for help with the stash or if the kid is just setting himself up to fail by ignoring help when God sent it his way.

Chapter 3

Fourth paragraph. You're missing a period after "an estranged aunt."

In her vision -- "unbeautiful". That reads funny. Might want to consider "common" "ordinary", something like that.

Katie "knew a lot of girls who would swoon a boy ...." Should be "swoon (for) a boy ...."

Again, my daughter who is 18 and a musician might kind of know who David Lee Roth was ... but most teenagers today would have to google it.

I like how Cheryl deals with Joey. Not exactly sure she knows what she's doing with her niece though.

Chapter 2 -- have to say that Joey is a great character.

The writing in this chapter is lot tighter. That first scene would be really tough to write, emotional. It deserves a good rewrite and the second chapter shows that you are up for the challenge. Not so much change the details as improve the pace and crank up the fear.

"When He looked back at the blonde ..." the capital H is an error.

I enjoyed the inner dialogue between Joey's mammalian brain and his higher thought processes. Some of the slang seems dated. Does anyone use "killer" anymore? I know I haven't heard my teenager say it. I know the story is set in the 1980's -- not exactly sure why -- but if you're trying to reach a YA audience, consider updating a bit.

I love that the car saves him!

I usually critique one chapter at a time so I don't confuse myself -- or you.

Nobody can tell you how to style your writing. That's a personal thing like the flavor of ice cream you enjoy, but you might find my opinions and observations helpful. I was, once upon a time, a newspaper reporter. I hold a degree in print journalism, so I'm a trained editor.

First sentence has an exta "K" just there in the middle of the sentence. Probably left from an edit.

Next paragraph "it had been the arguing ..." You'd get a tighter sentence with more drama with just plain "The arguing woke her." There are probably a fair number of sentences like that that if shortened would improve the pace of the story. Although all active voice constructions make for staccato reading, you should strive for about three-quarters fo your sentences to have action verbs rather than existence verbs. The subject should usually act upon the object, not the other way around. In the fourth paragraph, "tears poured" would also be a great deal stronger and give urgency to the scene. It's an urgent scene.

One thing I missed in the first scene -- I know Donna was screaming and crying and you mentioned furniture moving sounds, but when someone is being beat to death, a trailer would be rocking and there'd be the sound of a body hitting the walls, etc. Just give that some thought.

She's screaming when Officer Brogan puts her in the safety hold. Is she fighting him at all? Does she initially realize he's a cop or does she feel that he's a threat? Again, it gives the scene emotional resonance.

At the police station, you might also describe the scene or Katie's reaction to it. The way you write it, it's almost as if there's nothing going on around her, but obviously, there is. All this activity. Is she hypervigilent, noticing every sound, or does she feel cut off from it? It gives the story emotional connection.

I know that Katie might not know this guy or his name, but he knew her mother's name, so at some point you need to address who he was and why he was there.

You have a wonderful start to the story. Katie is the mess you would expect her to be. Joey -- I've known Joey. He's got great potential, but he's likely to walk off a cliff at any moment. You have a real feel for the characters. Some of your descriptions seem older -- not this generation -- his step-brother's feathered hair, for example, and the way Katie calls Amber a "chick". Might want consider contemporizing somewhat.

I had some nitpicks, which I will come back to because my husband wants me to watch TV with him.

This is a really, really strong Christian story and I applaud some of the risks you've taken. Joey's having sex with his ex and smoking cigarettes and has tatooes. That's risky in the Christian genre, but so very real for kids today. It's a book worthy writing.

I agree about the short pitch! That is incredibly powerful. I love the quote at the beginning of Chapter 1 too; so very true!

Chapter 1 is a wonderful beginning that doesn't hold anything back -- except who the guy was and why he killed Donna. I think this is going to be a great read!

Hey fellow C.S. Lewis fan! I have to say I really love your short pitch - it is one of those strongest I have seen since I joined the site - don't ever change it! The contrast is further developed in the long pitch - seeing beauty in ithers vs beauty in themselves...all bodes well for the actual text!

I read the first chapter and wow! Very well written, very suspenseful and great potential - no hesitation in awarding 5 stars. On my watchlist. God bless.