Paddy Nemesis

Just great! excellent- this read like a punch in the ribs!
on my watch list with 6 stars and I predict that this will make it to the ed's desk.

regards

Cyrus

Phil: I wanted my comments public, and I think I put them in the wrong place. This is an example of great writing . The prose and semi stream of consciousness style (I'm not sure how else to define it) perfectly depicts the protagonist's character and lifestyle. It shows us his mindset and the dark underbelly of the world he lives in. He is eminently believable as a character type. One can taste and smell the atmosphere. It's a style of writing that may not appeal to some due to the graphic language and griity masculine writing. But, those who cannot initially relate to it would do themselves a huge favor by opening their minds to writing styles outside of the mainstream. I believe every writer should learn to appreciate styles other than their own and the classic types. This is an example of pure excellence that people shouldn't cheat themselves out of appreciating. The protaganist is drawn to perfection. I'm avidly looking forward to getting back to it. Consider this a rave review. When My shelf opens, you're second up. I already promised the next spot to someone, and I don't like breaking my word. In the meantime, 6 stars and watchlisted. Be well
Bob

“Skanger!” ”Sick as a plane to Lourdes.” How to make a gun silent. “There is no bacteria in love.” I like that after everything Jack says about his dad, he adds, “he was a total cunt”. Nothing sentimental here. I like a mouth that turns, “chateauneuf-du-Pape into vinegar”.

And there are things I ask myself, “how can all the pubs survive when Rome burns?” And, “Funda-fucking-mentally I’m angry at whoever created this disenfranchised underclass”.

The meeting with Sarah and Michael is very well done. “Isn’t democracy great?” The revenge on Ronan is devastating. Terrifying. This is a seriously good monologue. It’s my sort of thing. I read it all straight off. Jack Clancy is a great creation. Six stars and I’ll back it when the next space arrives.

Paddy Nemesis is a real action-packed tale that takes us back into the gritty streets following a man who left them, but not before being forever changed by them. Author Phil Cone has done a great job putting together a mix of thriller and crime drama that will appeal to those who enjoy that type of genre.

The main character is very well described, and it’s easy to like him and even live vicariously through him as he goes on his various missions and has his inner-thoughts about what he is doing. I read all twelve chapters posted here and really enjoyed the ride. The first few are really action-packed and that is perfect for this type of book. If you don’t hook readers on the action right away, you will lose them. That’s not a problem here.

In terms of suggestions, there are a few really long paragraphs that should be broken up and broken down a bit. People who read this type of book are going to want short, choppy sentences and small paragraphs. It emphasizes the action. Seeing one paragraph go for the equivalent of one or two paper-back pages is far too much. It detracts from the action by its very construction. Easy enough to fix though.

Secondly, while I understood the dialog, I wonder why the author chose not to use traditional grammar structures for having people speak. No quotes are present, and there is no attribution at times to who the speaker is, which is really needed at the start of a conversation. You don’t need to identify a person each time in a back and forth talk, but you do need to let us know who the first person to speak is. There are times when I had to pause and look at the context to figure that out, and it just snags the reader in what otherwise is a free-flowing scene.

Paddy Nemesis is an enjoyable and heart-pounding tale. If you like books like this, you will find it a unique addition to your collection.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

An excellent debut, dark undertones flow under the characters and position Jack as a loose cannon, ready and able to destroy almost anything in his path. His remit to go after his dad's murderers are just the catalyst for him to wreak revenge on individuals responsible for a life of torment and bitterness.
A broken childhood and bitter sweet memories of his deceased father and estranged mother and girlfriend add a hue of melancoly to the visceral violence and direction of the plot.
Highly starred, and looking forward with great anticipation to the resulting climax, with the added desire of Jack exacting the kind of revenge we would all like to read about.
Prepare the ambulance and the blood transfusions...

Hi Phil,
You have a great pitch and a great story here. I've read the first chapter and then moved to 7 and 14, a few other randomly chosen chapters to have a feel of your novel and writing style in general.
I'm impressed with what I found so far.
6 stars and in my watch list,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

This is great. Jack is a pistol and One has no idea what he is capable of doing next. I love it and it creates a lot of tension and intrigue. High stars!!

Phil,,,,,Paddy, how cool is this. remarkable reading indeed. I couldnt take my eyes of this from the minute I picked it up. You have an ability to draw me in and keep me there and only getting annoyed when I have to put it down, I congratulate you on a good read. So Well dome. Top marks for me.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or Watch List wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Hi Phil,

This is quite an exciting story and, apart from a few typos is well written.

I'm not sure, however, if I would have fully understood the first chapter had I not read your pitch first. Since the pitch is not part of the book you need to think about this.

I generally don't like first person stories; we know the narrator is going to survive in order to be telling the story, so it takes away some of the tension.

You seeem to be missing a few speech marks and you have a 'to' which should be 'too' as well as a 'there' which should be 'their'.

You also use the word blonde when referring to a male. While I agree this is becoming interchangable these days, it is more gramatically correct to use blond = male, blonde = female.

Ron

Hey Phil,

Having already commented on the first half of Paddy, I wanted to follow up on the mid to end.

This is not my genre of choice, as you probably realize. That being said, Paddy Nemesis is my favorite novel on Authonomy. I love a lot of works on the site, and a few that I will kick and scratch for until they make it to the ED, but Paddy wins top spot for me based on one thing...I would read as many of these novels as you could throw at me, and I feel this could be an amazing cult classic series. I said it in my first comment, and it still holds true now that I have finished the book.

The plotline is solid, without a doubt. It is full of deception, anger, abandonment, love, and cruelty rolled into grit and action. It ends as perfectly as it begins, with tension that mounts until it explodes in the last few chapters. This is not what makes the novel such a smashing success. It's Jack Clancy. Jack is the anti-hero that the reader is dying to see succeed and find some level of peace. The depth of his character is extraordinary. He's the teenager that kicked out his father, lied to his unappreciative mother to protect her, finds himself in all the wrong kinds of trouble only to find himself isolated. He grows into a young man that has such realistic vulnerability, it's impossible not to sympathize with him, despite his many flaws. In his own words he becomes "a vessel of flesh that had been conditioned into thriving off pain." Heartbreaking. He shields himself with crude, almost intimidating sarcasm that is hilarious and nasty all at once. Again, it is not the painting of the character that makes it a success, but the consistency and realism of him that follows throughout. He has many swings and shifts, from drug abuser to loving father, and yet he is always Jack. There is no doubt that the man that shows his unforced comfort with Sarah during the raw and beautiful sex scene is the same man that kills a handful of people. His reaction, particularly to his dad's murder, are real, aggressive, detached, confused. Jack Clancy pulls you in and never lets you go.

The end of Paddy never feels rushed, every word counts, leaving us with a hell of a cliffhanger that has my tapping my foot for more. It wraps up clean, but you still feel a little dirty on the inside after reading it.

You are the writer to aspire to, the one who writes with the brass balls we all wish we had. Your work is honest, emotional, raw, gritty and totally your own. I would wish you luck, but you don't need it.

--Julie
Running Home

Jack Clancy is a character that has been masterfully created. He makes terrible choices for both the right and wrong reasons and he has a numbing and sad backstory. Paddy Nemesis gives me a tragic anti-hero that I fall deeper in love with in every chapter. Of all things that are critical to a well constructed novel, this is the one thing that I don't find often enough, and it is the most important of them all. I want to see Jack saved at the end of this story, and have become invested in his success. Beautiful work.

Jack Clancy is a character that has been masterfully created. He makes terrible choices for both the right and wrong reasons and he has a numbing and sad backstory. Paddy Nemesis gives me a tragic anti-hero that I fall deeper in love with in every chapter. Of all things that are critical to a well constructed novel, this is the one thing that I don't find often enough, and it is the most important of them all. I want to see Jack saved at the end of this story, and have become invested in his success. Beautiful work.

Only had the time to read your first chapter but I see why this was recommended to me. You pull no punches with the violence or the language and that's what I like. There's also some dark humour here and some razor sharp observations on modern society slotted into your story.
Technically I was too busy enjoying it to take too much notice though I did stumble over a couple of sentences. That kind if things easy to sort though and I'm not proficient enough with grammar myself to go giving advice.
High stars for a brutally efficient opening and adrenaline charged introduction to your main character and the vicious thoughts that rattle through his head.
All the best with this, I have a feeling I'll be back for more and will be shelving this at some point.
James

Club Agatha: I think this is the hardest critique I have written yet. This is not my kind of book, but you are definitely my kind if writer. Clever, intense, humorous, edgy... Only a couple of typos that I found in chapter two, but something like that is so slight, it only matters once it gets to a publisher. Six stars. I don't know what else to say; I am left breathless.

Club Agatha critique
Chapter 2-

Jack is really developing as a character in this chapter. We start to discover there's more to him that the initial impression. I like the anti-hero take on Jack, it makes him more interesting. A good guy that can do bad things. I say you've lived in his head for a while, you seem to really know him inside out and the hook at the end of the chapter is very well done. I want to know what happens next. Your style of writing is relentless and quick witted. Look forward to reading on.
Gilly

Tough and gritty!

Tough and gritty!

Right, here it is. My other half's comments as dictated to me. Not in the usual review fashion,sorry.
Quote, "This is fantastic. Why is he bothering with this site? This should be a real book. You can see it all, like a film. Like a western. Like Clint Eastwood walking down the street to the video of 'The Verve' not giving a fuck who he bumps into with the music playing. It is a Western, but set in Ireland and I've been in all those pubs. I know the one with the mirror and I know the town he's going to. And it's all probably all true. That's what they would do. Think of the money to be made and they need the money. Does he want me to point out spelling mistakes? Because I found quite a few. Sorry I didn't write them down."
That was kind of how it went Phil. He did tell me about the plot, but if I mentioned all of that I'd just be writing your book again. I think he's a bit disappointed that he couldn't read it all. Make sure you let us know when it's published.
High starred and backed.
Jesamine.

Club Agatha 1&2

This is not the kind of book I would normally read, but your realism make the story compelling. You have developed your character very well, they are very convincing and he detail you give is enough to keep interest but not enough so they are an open book. Your descriptions of events are very good and you use simile and metaphor to good effect. At the end of each chapter I had the desire to turn the page.

Only spotted one incorrect word which will help in your proof read:
‘didn’t take to well to personal hygiene’.
Should be ‘didn’t take too well to personal hygiene.

Anyway a well ‘executed’ story ☺

Sarah

This is my kinda book. Sex, violence, black humour and music. What more could one want. Good writing, tick. Good story, tick. Transferable to the silver screen, tick. All the best with this.

Jonny

Agatha Club: Paddy Nemesis.

Chapter Two then. Good, dense prose packed with rich and gritty detail. 69 indeed! My kind of writing. It has substance, tells its tale in a throwaway style, no sentimentality, just the facts. Nothing but the facts.

Not a skim of a read here. The details need to be assimilated and sometimes re-read to grasp the minutiae of the back story. The silencer. Blink and you miss it. So it's a fast paced, but slow burn of a read.

I could feel the skin-creep of the narrative, the authoratative descriptions of the characters, the facts only given on a need-to-know basis. No flowery talk of clothes and hairstyles unless parted by a bullet or soaked in blood.

The second chapter packs its punch with chapter one's weight. A fine read.

Club Agatha critique.

LIke the start of the story and 'dried vomit on the face of an ugly monkey' caught my attention immediately. Great character in Jack Clancy and as he stood on that train I thought I could even smell him.
Great ending to chapter two and I believe this stiory has great potential judging by what I have read so far.

Cheers

I don't know if I said this before but I'm not a fan of the first person narrative. This doesn't mean your story sucks. You use the language that goes with those pimps and other thugs, which makes it a strong contender. I noticed that you also haven't much description like I have in Virus.

“She sat sort of opposite me, to my left, with a world record cleavage top so small, it could have been Barbie’s.”

Who writes like this?

This had me roaring! Phil I got to hand it to you, your word play and imagery, is phenomenal in “Paddy Nemesis.”

Your boy, our protagonist, is one sick but irresistibly likeable guy. With all his issues, it amazes me how you effectively make a reader cheer for this twisted hero of sorts.

“She has the look of a dim light in a room full of dust. Nice tits though.” Lol –Really? Does your mother, sisters, girlfriend, female friends, know you write like this? -Hilarious Phil-

“I was political decisiveness without the bureaucracy.” My kind of guy!

Without revealing too much, that was a great way to end Chapter 2. Build up the tension and end with a suspenseful cliff hanger.

Great crime thriller well fleshed out characters, excellent flow and descriptions. My only critique is the pacing.

I give it 6 stars! Much success in your writing endeavors!

“She sat sort of opposite me, to my left, with a world record cleavage top so small, it could have been Barbie’s.”

Who writes like this?

This had me roaring! Phil I got to hand it to you, your word play and imagery, is phenomenal in “Paddy Nemesis.” Your boy, our protagonist, is one sick but irresistibly likeable guy. With all his issues, it amazes me how you effectively make a reader cheer for this twisted hero of sorts.

“She has the look of a dim light in a room full of dust. Nice tits though.” Lol –Really? Does your mother, sisters, girlfriend, female friends, know you write like this? -Hilarious Phil-

“I was political decisiveness without the bureaucracy.” My kind of guy!

Without revealing too much, that was a great way to end Chapter 2. Build up the tension and end with a suspenseful cliff hanger.

Great crime thriller well fleshed out characters, excellent descriptions. My only critique would be a faster pace.

I give it 5.9 stars! Much success in your writing endeavors!

CD Newton
CLEVELAND STRANGLER: The Untold Cover Up

“She sat sort of opposite me, to my left, with a world record cleavage top so small, it could have been Barbie’s.”

Who writes like this?

This had me roaring! Phil I got to hand it to you, your word play and imagery, is phenomenal in “Paddy Nemesis.” Your boy, our protagonist, is one sick but irresistibly likeable guy. With all his issues, it amazes me how you effectively make a reader cheer for this twisted hero of sorts.

“She has the look of a dim light in a room full of dust. Nice tits though.” Lol –Really? Does your mother, sisters, girlfriend, female friends, know you write like this? -Hilarious Phil-

“I was political decisiveness without the bureaucracy.” My kind of guy!

Without revealing too much, that was a great way to end Chapter 2. Build up the tension and end with a suspenseful cliff hanger.

Great crime thriller well fleshed out characters, excellent descriptions. My only critique would be a faster pace.

I give it 5.9 stars! Much success in your writing endeavors!

CD Newton
CLEVELAND STRANGLER: The Untold Cover Up

“She sat sort of opposite me, to my left, with a world record cleavage top so small, it could have been Barbie’s.”

Who writes like this?

This had me roaring! Phil I got to hand it to you, your word play and imagery, is phenomenal in “Paddy Nemesis.” Your boy, our protagonist, is one sick but irresistibly likeable guy. With all his issues, it amazes me how you effectively you make a reader cheer for this twisted hero of sorts.

“She has the look of a dim light in a room full of dust. Nice tits though.” Lol –Really? Does your mother, sisters, girlfriend, female friends, know you write like this? -Hilarious Phil-

“I was political decisiveness without the bureaucracy.” My kind of guy!

Without revealing too much, that was a great way to end Chapter 2. Build up the tension and end with a suspenseful cliff hanger.

Great crime thriller well fleshed out characters, excellent descriptions. My only critique would be a faster pace.

I give it 5.9 stars! Much success in your writing endeavors!

CD Newton
CLEVELAND STRANGLER: The Untold Cover Up

“She sat sort of opposite me, to my left, with a world record cleavage top so small, it could have been Barbie’s.”

Who writes like this?

This had me roaring! Phil I got to hand it to you, your word play and imagery, is phenomenal in “Paddy Nemesis.” Your boy, our protagonist, is one sick but irresistibly likeable guy. With all his issues, it amazes me how you effectively you make a reader cheer for this twisted hero of sorts.

“She has the look of a dim light in a room full of dust. Nice tits though.” Lol –Really? Does your mother, sisters, girlfriend, female friends, know you write like this? -Hilarious Phil-

“I was political decisiveness without the bureaucracy.” My kind of guy!

Without revealing too much, that was a great way to end Chapter 2. Build up the tension and end with a suspenseful cliff hanger.

Great crime thriller well fleshed out characters, excellent descriptions. My only critique would be a faster pace.

I give it 5.9 stars! Much success in your writing endeavors!

CD Newton
CLEVELAND STRANGLER: The Untold Cover Up

“She sat sort of opposite me, to my left, with a world record cleavage top so small, it could have been Barbie’s.”

Who writes like this?

This had me roaring! Phil I got to hand it to you, your word play and imagery, is phenomenal in “Paddy Nemesis.” Your boy, our protagonist, is one sick but irresistibly likeable guy. With all his issues, it amazes me how you effectively you make a reader cheer for this twisted hero of sorts.

“She has the look of a dim light in a room full of dust. Nice tits though.” Lol –Really? Does your mother, sisters, girlfriend, female friends, know you write like this? -Hilarious Phil-

“I was political decisiveness without the bureaucracy.” My kind of guy!

Without revealing too much, that was a great way to end Chapter 2. Build up the tension and end with a suspenseful cliff hanger.

Great crime thriller well fleshed out characters, excellent descriptions. My only critique would be a faster pace.

I give it 5.9 stars! Much success in your writing endeavors!

CD Newton
CLEVELAND STRANGLER: The Untold Cover Up

Dear Phil

This is my second comment on "Paddy Nemesis", the first being almost four months ago. I have had a look at your first two chapters and some of chapter 3 just now.

I am strangely, very impressed. What I wrote earlier is about right, for me that is, but I have maybe grown up a bit since then. Paddy is just doing his best, and he is a bit warped, but who could blame him. Underneath the cynicism and the violence there is a clever man, believable and with an ironic sense of humour. He takes the piss out of everything, including himself.

I like your writing; edgy and perfectly suited to your MC. Your MS is very clean and I would love to read on if I had the time. Meanwhile I have reviewed my rating for this, and I hope you do well. You write very well indeed, with care for the details that bring a scene to life.

All the best

Fran :-))

Wow, Phil...I can picture Paddy sitting in a dirty room in front of a steel table, smoking a cigarette and telling me this story as I read it. I almost read it in his accent. So well done.

Kristen

Club Agatha-Round 2-

Your style is so refreshingly different. I like the way you have paced the dialogue and action in this work. The way you work your MC's thoughts and first person is unique, I haven't seen it done this way before. I like it! Good job, I agree with everyone else, you are sure to see the editors desk with this one. Jacque

Club Agatha Critique

I've read the second chapter of Paddy Nemesis for the Club Agatha Round Two competition. This is really fast-paced and gritty. I think Jack is one of the most distinctive characters I've read on Authonomy. I feel like I could pick him out of a collection of characters because he is so well-developed and full of attitiude.

Very good story development, and good cliff-hanger ending to the chapter. It took me a while to get used to the way you handle dialogue (no quotation marks), but once I did, I was fine with it.

I'll come back and see the next chapter when I have more time.

Susan/Greenleaf (Provenance; Chameleon)

Hey Paddy, (heh heh)
At the risk of sounding like I say this to all the girls, I wish I could buy this book today so I could read it cover to cover every time I had a spare second. You are the only author I have come across, Jim Butcher included, who can hold a candle to Simon R. Green, and this is high praise I assure you.
You rope me in with "dried vomit on the face of an ugly monkey," and when I hit that first full paragraph, I knew I would read as many of these books as you could give me. That first paragraph is hilarious, while uncomfortable, and more importantly gives a strong depiction of your MC's flawed, almost selfishly introverted personality. And I do like his personality. I love that he attacks the skinhead, not because he is avenging the poor girl, but because he just needs to teach him a lesson and give in to his need for violence all at once.

Your one liner, "I look for trouble, not intentionally, but I want to see if there is going to be any, and where it's gonna come from," hooked me quick in the middle of a lot of description. This is not to say that there is too much description...it's just right. I love your description of the girl on the train, in particular.

I would take a look at grammar, like we all have to. Like "cell's" should not have an apostrophe, "thugs" should have an apostrophe, "Turks" should have an apostrophe...silly apostrophe problems. The description of the black woolen coat, I think should be "...black woolen coat, buttoned..." Make it one sentence.

I have to say, I want this book on my bookshelf at home, I want a series of them, I want to get to know this guy. Absolutely fantastic. I will have to kick some poor guy off of my bookshelf to put you on it, and give you 6 stars.

That being said, now please go review Running Home.

--Julie

Club Agatha

You weren't wrong! This second chapter is fantastic.
The 69 bus made me chuckle, the little backstory about the pimp was great and then the boss turns up.
The way you've written this, like bulky at the top of the chapter and then thins as you get to the end sets a great pace, until we noticeably feel like we are becoming trapped in the story, like the walls are closing in. Slowly we know something is coming then bang, no where to go but to turn the page.
Dialog is good between the guys and we get an understanding of what Clancy does. I like it when he thinks his boss is asking about house/home rather than Boyle. I really like the way you add the girl with the red hair and soft white skin, and what he felt when he looked at her. Great to see a different side to him, one that i hope to see more of.
Awesome stuff. Emma

Hi! Here for the club agatha critique!

Here are my thoughts while reading:
- I haven’t seen any grammatical errors.
- Your characterisation is excellent; I really get a feel for him. Brilliant.
- This is just personal preference, but I think there could be a little more description at the beginning of the train; like the smells, the other passengers. Just to get a feel for everything else around him.
- I love the description of the girl. Nicely done
- When you write the note in chapter 2, maybe put the writing in italics just to distinguish between narration and the note itself.
- Numbers can be spelt out to look more professional.

Overall; this book is excellent so far. I like the plot so far, the characters and the mystery you've created so far.
Well done!
I will make room on my shelf for this in a second XD
Alex

Club Agatha Critique;
Very well written thriller with a wonderfully intense and complex protagonist. His views of the world, the good versus evil, his view of himself as they earths savior is superb. The fact that his is being brought in by the boss to rid the persons who killed his father is a plus in his eyes. I've read the first 2 chapters and I can say the other recommendations is that you go back a do a thorough edit. Here are some issues I found: ...can't stand the site should be sight of me...the word affect I believe you meant effect...There were two other passengers (I think sitting might work better here)...Spit on me should be a (.) not a (;) and CCTV on trains is shite (did you mean shit?). Just things like this that can be easily fixed. Good book and best of luck!

Club Agatha review

Read the first two chapters of this and it brought a smile to my face throughout. I love the witty yet dark narration: it felt like a very realistic depiction of the thoughts, feelings and desperation of an assassin. The dramatic ending to Chapter Two worked really well at boosting interest in the story. A very raw world has been created and the humour adds a great extra layer of humanism to an otherwise nihilistic character. You have many neat phrases that help soften the frequent use of strong language and I like the gritty realism. I'm hoping the next few chapters build the story up in such a sharp and focused way because it's a great opening.

Have given it a high star rating

Stephen

Hi Phil, I read chapter 5. Wow, this is a really poweerful piece of writing, I love the way Paddy recounts his story like he is telling a pal in the pub. I love the earthy statements that reflect true life but don't get mentioned that often, and the graphic description of the domestic violence. Well done, I am sure this will achieve more than you expect.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.
I would appreciate a return read and comment, if you are able to make the time.

Club Agatha

Dirty, gritty, honest and gripping! Only read the first chapter, but i want to read more.
Who is this man? This forward thinking, self made scumbag, was he always like this? I really want to find out.
'My anger is healthy, my anger is free' 'i've been underground...becoming the scum' You have some really great ways of describing how this man feels.
Totally love the use of Led Zepplin as a heartbeat, two awesome tunes, two different tempos, listening to it now (SIBLY) i can feel my heart beat along and can imagine his.
Hard hitting, a good read.

Emma

Club Agatha Critique -

Great, wonderful, excellent.... why isn't it on Kindle yet?! I HAVE to keep reading this one... thank goodness I'm almost done with my reviews!

Club Agatha

Gritty tale that flows along at a good pace. A bit strong from the word go on the language side for me although it does make the account seem true to life with some very strong characterization. Stumbled a little on some repetition which actually reads okay, but if you chose you could easily rectify.

.........i left the flat and I left the flat.---------- maybe take out the second "the flat"

Great closing hook, but I would refine it by stopping at .... mouths someting to me.

Declan

Great cliff hanger at the end of this chapter.
One phrase didn't quite work for me- 'it was clarity, it was black and white' I think you can do better than that.
I liked the Kay character and the Dorian Gray analogy was brilliant.
The dialogue is razor sharp with intelligent barbettes that demonstrate the thought you have applied to this work.
You will see from my avatar that I am intrigued by the damage that is self inflicted by creative people and am looking forward to how your story develops.
perhaps you might have a glance at my Hellion 2 - second part of a series of four but it can be read as a stand alone. - I would appreciate a comment.
I keep books on my shelf for a minimum of one month so there is a back log, however I just jumped your book up the line and will back it next week.

well done!

regards

Cyrus

Just great! excellent- this read like a punch in the ribs!
on my watch list with 6 stars and I predict that this will make it to the ed's desk.

regards

Cyrus

Phil,
I really enjoyed this, even though it was a times unnecessarily crude, particularly with the overuse of the C word, and the couple of explicit sex scenes which you included. Although I think that these two issues could ultimately limit your audience base, you have a strong, character-driven thriller which I think could do very well.
What I think I like most about it is the fact that you keep the identity of your main character a secret for so long. So we go through thinking that he's a bum, that he is a thug, that he might be a villain, and then finally realise that he's a special agent. but one that has been seriously screwed over by his government. To this you add his very conflicted romance with Sarah and the vengeance that he's seeking for his dead father and you have a very strong thriller premise.
Your weakest point, I think, is the conspiracy theory premise. Just too plausible to be fiction.
Just joking. I am not sure that very many thriller premises could make me think they are realistic. Certainly not the blockbusters, so I am not sure there is anything you could do to satisfy this reservation. Perhaps a bit more incredulity from everyone involved, especially Jack. Other than these issues, I think you have a very strong story. i read everything you read and felt somewhat peeved that you cut off right before the climax.
Hook and Plot- OK, so the first line, after the two great quotes, is a bit corny. Once you get to know Jack it is absolutely fitting, but at first glance it looks too tongue-in-cheek to be a good thing.
I did not read the pitch first, so I started thinking this was going to be a story of a very conflicted bum. I was gripped by his obscene chivalry, his vulgar checking out of the woman in the train followed by his saving her while the law-abiding people in the train watched on in shame. When you introduce Gerry I am very intrigued and hooked. It is an unconventional way of introducing the hero of a thriller- he is so very messed up that I found him compelling. He is strong and weak at the same time.
As to plot, apart from the aforementioned issue of the believability of the premise, my only issue is that you take a wee bit long to get to Boyle. I don't really understand the point of the one-night-stand right before we meet Sarah- except to show us how very screwed up he is as a character. He is pretty disgusting at this point, and it tarnishes my view of his sincerity as he tries to sweep his old flame off her feet.
And at the same time, I think I find him more interesting for it, so I am not sure. To some extent, I think I object more to the plot deviation to the moral one.
I think you combine well the plot mechanism of the vengeance with that of the mission to intercept the ship, and ran the subplot of the love story well underneath.
Character development- I think you did this very well with your main character. As I say, Jack is an interesting character because he is off-putting and attractive at the same time. I found myself intrigued by his vulgarity and the fact that he was barely holding it together.
I did feel that Jack sort of swept, making most other characters very incidental by comparison. Gerrry, his friend (John, was it) Sarah's brother (sorry, I am rubbish with names)... in fact, one of the characters that most stands out in my memory is the policeman to whom Jack gives cigarettes. I am not sure why this is, but I don't think it is a bad thing. Sarah is more strongly developed, and so is Jack's crazy mother. Less so Patrick, who was a bit hard to swallow as future first minister. Again, I am not sure if this is so important for a thriller, but you may want to take a stab at making some of the supporting characters a bit more nuanced.
Ambiance- I think you did a good job here making the ambiance of this book pop forward. It is not the most inviting ambiance, but it is strong.
So, all in all, I was happy to read it. I hope that you find some help from these comments. I think it is okay to commit to the crudeness of your character, but I think I would want you to intensify character development in some of the lesser characters to help you get away with this. I also think that I may prefer if you steer away from crudeness when it comes to Sarah (I mean the sex scene), because otherwise her contrast as a character may be affected.
I think it will do very well.
Best of luck with it.
Maeve

Club Agatha Critique-

Okay, expelling a breath... Talk about dark, gritty and violent. A life-hardened, drug effected man, tainted by his past - I think this is the perfect way to portray him. Perhaps I'm a bit of a wimp, but I cringed at a few scenes, which tells a lot about your writing, because isn't that what you want? A reaction, good or negative? It means your writing is incredible - strong, direct and confident. I didn't notice any grammatical issues, but then I was following him through his journey on the dart, reading over his internal dialogue and completely missed them if they where there. I have to go away now and read something light and fluffy - then psych myself up for the next round!
G

Club Agatha,

Strong characterisation - well, he's in your face. Witty, acid-funny internal dialogue - raw and no holds barred. I don't see any mystery yet, other than his 'occupation', but it's one chapter and it's your prerogative to lead us wherever you want to take us. Very J P Donleavy and others.

There are, as others have pointed out, grammatical issues at times throughout. Does it matter? I thought hard about this, because the narrative is not going to let you stop and worry about it, but I think the answer is hell yes. I could point them out for you, but it seems churlish right now. It's just a mechanical exercise. The bottom line is, it will be worth it. This grabs you by the tender bits and won't let go.

I'm irish, btw, if you hadn't already guessed.
Ádh mór ort

Mike
(Milk and More)

Club Agatha review:

I was mesmerized by this character's voice. The story so far is dark, violent and very convincing, in spite of the extreme kind of life this guy lives. Is anybody quite like this? You're making me believe it. And you've pulled off a sympathetic character, while making it pretty clear that he is filthy, drugged out, and is likely to casually kill anyone who threatens, annoys or cheats him. I suppose you've achieved it by by making everybody else indifferent to the assault, while he can't stop himself from intervening. And he wants to be thanked!

I saw a few things on the level of words:
clean film-like stickiness - I couldn't picture a sticky film being clean
smothering their cell’s – no apostrophe
can’t stand the site of me – sight
[then I got so caught up in the story that I stopped noticing nits]
the fat girls handbag -- girl's (but by now typos seem pretty trivial)
she wont be able -- won't

From the Agatha standpoint: I have to read the LP to know there's a mystery in the offing. I think you'd do well, when dropping hints about his job, to also lay in some clues about where the story is going.

But seriously, this is as jaw-dropping a character and action sequence as I've seen while doing these reviews. Very, very good.

Feck. Aye for aye's sake min. I da ken fit the fuck. A that shite dis ma fuckin heed in. Nae in bad way, ken fit like loon?

Was intrigued to see how the lingo panned out. Hard thing to do write about a place that has a very distinct accent/ dialect. Am nae a Paddy ken, but I di ken many a fenian fuck.

Cheers. D.

Club Agatha review

My second read of Paddy Nemesis. The strength of your character's voice makes this really stand out from the crowd. It's clear that this is going to be a dark story but Jack has a humanity (albeit a violent one) that no one else on the train has and so I like him and his humor very much.

There is still room for work on the tense - it seemed to vary between present and past and I'd like to read it again, all in the present tense. I think that would really work with his voice and the first person pov. Also the opening verbs are slightly passive - too many was --ings (for my taste anyway).

Overall, I think this shows great imagination, powerful use of language and a is read which challenges me to think about my own ideas of what's acceptable and what's not. A book on the edge!

Best,
Kate

Agatha Club critique.

I just saw yur post on the threat and thought; sounds like something I'd like. So I'm checking you out now.
Yeah brilliant hairstyling. With all this rain you better keep it short. You set the viewpoint character clear and in a really human way. Is he by any chance an undercover cop? I'm gonna star and back you. Loved it.

Phil it wont let me read on. Says 'booked locked for editing' but from what I've read I reckon our earlier conversation stands. I really like it. It taps into the mindset we were discussing and whilst modern is also very retro in style. I also really like Jack!! He's a proper renegade anti hero. I have added it to my watchlisted and will give it a star rating.Will look back in a day or two and see if I can read further. :)

Club Agatha Critique

Nice epigraphs! Going by ch. 1, this seems very much a "guy book," in the Angry Young Man tradition. Strong writing, although more consistency of tense & ID of who's doing what would be helpful (see John Breedon's suggestions below), & a bit less rant-for-rant's sake "philosophizing." From the future sales POV, clues of a plot getting underway might interest editors more than an apparently random act of sex & violence--but this isn't my patch of the genre. Good luck going forward -- CV

PADDY NEMESIS
Club Agatha Critique
This is a good story. Jack is a good main character. I like the way you describe his back story all the while he studies the woman on the train; it almost disguises it is back story. At first I thought he wasn’t going to help the woman when she was assaulted; was happy to see him do that. It’s hard at this point to know what the mystery is going to be, but really doesn’t matter. Jack is an interesting enough story to carry this without the mystery being up front.

A Club Agatha critique

As a portrait of a flawed individual, this piece of writing could not be bettered. Jack is a fully three dimensional, painfully human character with strong issues with his life (and his "career") and I can forsee all manner of layers in his personality being exposed as the novel progresses. The writing is wonderful, too, exploiting original metaphors and similes in a way that makes it a joy to read.

Some critics may complain that Jack is "unsympathetic" or "lacks any redeeming qualities" -- well, hard luck; what you see is what you get. Jack has to be exactly what he is for this novel to work -- to want to "soften" him is to miss the point entirely.

My only criticism is that after all the build up, the single act of violence that comes near the end seems rather brief and perfunctary, almost an anticlimax. Now, I am the sort of reader who generally does not like excessive violence in fiction (when watching a film or TV, I often turn my head away if the action gets too violent) but I think this is one exception where, in order to show what sort of man Jack is, the description of violence really does have to be turned up to maximum, even at the risk of alienating some readers.

I enjoyed Paddy Nemesis and look forward to reading more of it later.

Best wishes and good writing, John