The Path

Joff,
I read the prologue and first chapter of The Path. Your descriptions paint such lovely images and made me long to visit the setting of this story. I like your writing style which is uncluttered with unnecessary details and the reader is easily swept away in the narrative while being kept in suspense. This has a plot which is well-suited for the thriller genre and it's always nice to find a godly man as a protagonist in a novel.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi
This review is "from the 'Brutal Honesty Crit Group'". I am clearly an amateur reviewer and therefore all
comments should be taken with a large grain of salt!

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum - I thought the contrast in the short pitch was very clever and got my interest immediately. The longer pitch maintained my interest because it was about the Scilly Isles and I personally happen to love reading about all the islands off the British coast. The idea of there being a murder there was an interesting one to me. The pitch really didn’t make a lot of sense to me but perhaps that is deliberate in order to pull the reader into the book! There is one typo in the pitch – in the last sentence it should be “lose” not “loose”.

Pacing – I think you have got it about right. It is important to give people a very good flavour of what the Isles of Scilly are like and I think you have struck the right balance there.

Characters/Characterization - I find the Father to be the more interesting character of the two in the earlier chapters, but there seems to be a good developing of the relationship between them

Point of View/Voice - first person seems to work pretty well.

Style – apart from my comments about punctuation below, I think the writing style is good.

Sentence level – I noted a number of absences of punctuation just in the first chapter – for example in the first paragraph of chapter 1, third sentence. The next sentence incorrectly capitalizes Summer. I have also been told that numbers should be written long hand. The second paragraph of that chapter is completely unpunctuated. The sum effect of all these items meant I found the text took quite a bit of effort to navigate, when I really wanted to be focusing on the story.

Dialogue – the dialogue is certainly believable and has the right balance with the narrative.

Originality – the premise is pretty original as far as I can tell.

Publishability - isn’t the word count at 45,000 is a slightly odd length for publishing? I have heard that 60,000 would be the minimum. Other than that, if you address the mundane punctuation issues I spotted, I think you have a good story laid down here which will especially appeal to those who have some connection with the South West of England.

Overall I have given it a healthy 5 stars...

A BHCG crit,

Hi Joff,

Here is my much delayed return read. I'm not going to use the BHCG template because you seem to have received a few of these and they seem to be on point.

Firstly,I love the setting of the beginning -staring out to rocks on a coastline -very bleak and moody -sets the tone immediately. What I think you need to do is maintain the bleakness of the setting in the language you use. I think the language gets a bit wordy at times and we lose that atmosphere a bit.The last two paragraphs of the first chapter are really good - love the "I could let the sound of the engine rumble into me" This opening has brilliant potential -the metaphor with the rocks is great.

I'm going to give a few examples of alternatives you could use to tighten things up or further strengthen the imagery-----absolutely up to you if you want to use them.

"was struck by how complicated the design was."
maybe change to "was struck by the intricacy of His designs. Every rock, every cave, every stack was of unique character."

"The deck was crowded which was hardly what I felt like but....."

Maybe change to something like "lounging tourists in deck chairs had spread themselves across the deck but I needed the clarity of the sea air so I squeezed my way......." (not sure what the deck was crowded with)

The second to last paragraph is great but how about changing the 1st sentence with the 2nd -so that there is a connection with 'cloudless sky' and "it was difficult to imagine it ever raining again"

Rather than repeating the relief part -how about : "It was a relief to see the Islands disappearing from my view if not my mind."

Sorry I've kinda run out of time -will revisit this again soon to go a bit deeper into the book - I have to because the hook at the end of the prologue got me!!

Best,
Kaal

PS. Highly starred on potential;)

Hi. This is a BGH crit.

As ever, I am just one reader, and write as such. You can take or leave anything I say. I response is given as someone picking up your book. Do I engage? Do I want to read on, where do I get bored/puzzled/confused etc. as this is, I hope, the most useful response. Here goes. First the formalities, then my overview as a reader at the end. Normally I include any typos etc. but I only found one thing that I noticed.

PITCHES - Both were intriguing and well put together.

PLOT - Interesting one. It wasn't the typical sort of crime story that I tend to avoid, it has human overtones and another backstory that is as interesting.

CHARACTERS/ISATION - I like your characters. I found them well drawn - individual and with their own quirks and ways which makes them more than ciphers or puppets. Their ways of doing things (or not) make them live, rather than just being there to further the plot, and they are therefore interesting in their own right.

POV/VOICE - I loved the beginning of this book. A great starting line and very much enjoyed the first page with its personal viewpoint. Something has obviously happened, but he doesn't name it, just gives us his thoughts and his vews on what he sees. Lovely writing.

DIALOGUE - Again very natural and to the point, no fillers. Character speaks through it clearly.

The mood of the whole book is individual. Some books are just a read, but this has an atmosphere and sense of place from the start. From that beginning we go into chapter two which gives solid information - where we are, what its like there, done through his eyes. This helps to make it real. Describing the geography and physical details was something that came into a thread that's running about what makes a good beginning - part of that was establishing reality. I loved knowing what things looked like and where he was. You also give wonderful physical descriptions of your characters, such as that of Fr. Thomas, though I'm still not sure whether Harrington is just big, or fat.

Back to the pace - by chapter three, the pace is the same, but I've not lost any interest, there's too many hooks and desciptions and interesting points. I'm beginning to want to know, however, why he's there for the week, and what it is that's happened to him. We have a good few hints from here on - something happened to Harrington, 'difficult times' 'trauma' - why he won't go with the policewoman etc. and it comes to a point when the hints get a little much and I want to know exactly what did happen. We don't get any clear idea until chapter 10, and I wanted something more before that point.

One typo - in the pub in chapter 4 you say a Young couple come in - uneeded capital Y there.

Overall, having read 12 chapters up to now, I am very impressed with this book. I fully intend to read all of it. I found the writing assured and professional, and the plot intriguing. I'd say you have the makings of a tv series here, with those characters and plot. I'm very impressed with this read and will shelve it next change over time.
Cariad.

Joff - the read from BHCG. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish.

The opening to any book must hook the reader/agent and often sets the tone for the whole read. By and large this works. The simple subject matter of faith and God not only sets the readers thoughts running but also starts to introduce your MC with a layer of depth that few achieve so early in a read. It's short enough to ensure we'll turn the page and vivid enough to set the scen. But there are improvements you can make.

Best advise I've ever been given here, is to read your own work out loud and slowly, using the punctuation marks to add the inflexions the reader will automatically read. Read that second paragraph with three 'I's' - one can easily be removed making it a smoother read still. Same again with the sentence that starts 'Like the rocks - again three 'I's'. Similarly 4 th para is clunky - sentence starting 'when I travelled out... is not clear.

I hope that doesn't appear too finicky; the voice is clearly there and it has set me reading. The final paragraph is as powerful as the opening line and leaves the reader seeking the answers to the same questions.

Chapter 2. You may have some suggesting show more and tell less on that opening paragraph but it worked well enough for me and then led into the very personal meeting with Father Benson on the bonnet of his Landrover. From here your writing really starts to stretch out. Some solid and simple dialogue and Father Benson has become a character with depth; the touch with the beer-mat tax disk and the response from the local Police, and his familiarity with the crew, tells us much about him. A rogue vicar - neat.

We are then led into the long slow drive and the description of the Island. Again very clear and easy to visualise. It can be still tightened further but only minor suggestions - para starting Hugh Town on St Mary's - first sentence can be reworked - i may put a semi-colon after considered a village. Later I would swap the second Fr. Thamas for 'he' and then later still 'There were houses on both sides of the rodas' I would consider "the houses on both sides of the road'. But all small points.

My comments are not usully of this nature so you've either caught me on a different day - more likely I enjoy the scene you've brought forward and am taking it all in. By the end of this Chapter we've met your MC Father Patrick and his friend Father Benson, been introduced to the spectacular views of Scilly, and have a vague sense of a mystery about to unfold.

I'll try to move to the story itself however editing is still needed and I'l give two examples. 3rd para - We had parked at the back, after a small entrance porch.... Needs tightening and differentiating the car and then them after alighting. Later going to his room he 'past' the lounge - should be 'passed'. These remind me very much of my first upload here.

Overall a good read so far and you paint life in the farmhouse vividly with it's rustic appeal and home grown food. With the dialogue both the characters remain well established and people we can empathise with. But the story needs picking up pace.

Chapter 4 works for many of the same reasons the previous 3 Chapters do. You've balanced dialogue and descriptive passages well and the characters are all emerging with the introduction to the pubs owners - I did wonder if Father Thomas had been to the Island before and should know them but am trying to stay with the read and not going back to check on continuity. But I'm also now feeling a sense of wanting something more. I know there'll be a murder and a mystery will unfold but in 4 Chapters I'm only sensing a priest with mid life and nothing more.

You use Chapters 5,6 &7 essentially to introduce us to Maggie and the Police resources on the Island. The writing remains clear and fluid and as with the others Maggie comes to life. I do feel Father Patrick is slightly too introspective, but that's for the read across all Chapters so far and the final line at the end of Chapter7 is excellent. But I'm sure now the book is missing pace.

Chapter 8 is what has been missing. In a very short period we're not only aware a murder may have taken place but for some reason Father Patrick may have special skills or knowledge to help - this was a nice surprise and has really intrigued me.

Joff - I stopped here - you may not agree with the comments. I do reread often and am happy to do so later. Here's my thoughts. Some wonderful descriptive scenes and the day to day dialogue works. The characters are all there. I do suggest you read through this outloud - with just some fine tuning some good descriptive scenes can become even better - reminded me of my first uploads.

But I do think you need to think through the pace of this. The synopsis of a priest tracking down a murder is excellent and a great hook for those who enjoy reading crime novels. To really make this work we need to either see the murder earlier, or perhaps feed us more of his background in 'investigations', if that's what it is - at present he just appears to be going through mid-life doubts. That is easily done.

Joff - I finished writing these comments and then thought I'd look through for the muder scene - you asked for comments on that. I couldn't find it but of course stumbled across the fact that Father Patrick is a former Detective - brilliant. The difference in pace between that scene and the gentle drives and walks across the Island is huge; it really hits the spot. Somewhere earlier in the book you need more of that. But I would not suggest changing pace until others have commented - the other typo edits are for you. I have enjoyed the read overall and see great promise here, particularly as you've finally revealed Father Patrick's past. Best. Steve.

I love the way this begins. I felt drawn in immediately. Your writing style is soft and easy on the eyes and ears. The premise of the story is interesting and I can't say I've read any other story that begins quite like it which had me reading well past chapter 1. I love learning about different people with interesting experiences in remote places of the world and this certainly gave me that!

I wish you luck with this and hope to read more when I get a chance.

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of "Master of the Miracles"

Hi Joff

I found the story engaging but there are times when I think the sentance structure could be improved. Also I thought the prologue lacked 'çonnection' as we don't know who is talking. When I first read it it sounded like it was you the author speaking. NOt sure how I would address this, if indeed it needs addressing at all.

As for the sentance structure... there's a good example in the first chapter. Here's the original...

Father Thomas Benson who was sat on the bonnet of his battered Land Rover held up his walking stick as he saw me step off the boat and clambering down rushed to meet me.

And here's how it might read more smoothly...

Sitting on the bonnet of his battered Land Rover, Father Thomas Benson held up his walking stick as he saw me step off the boat. Gingerly he clambered down and rushed to meet me.

This seems to me like a classic case of writing as the images come into your mind. Instead, have the image fixed in your mind before you start to write and then describe it in the smoothest and clearest way possible.

I'm going to back this because I think it has an appealing charm but I would suggest that it will need some rewriting when time has put some distance between you and the work. Try reading it aloud as this will make awkward sentance structure more obvious.

Best of luck
Peter

Hi Joff. This is an interesting read, even though the pitch was a little vague for me.

The Prologue was great. The character's closeness to God gives us a good idea of who he is. And I found myself wondering what had happened to him 8 days earlier.

Chapter 1

One recommendation: I wouldn't start the first para with the info dump on the Isles of Sicily. I'd start with My ship, the Scillionian III...and then fill in the blanks about the Isles of Sicily. For me, it just wasn't a catchy start. Great finish, though.

The rest of chapter 1 gave me great descriptions of the lovely area, but little about the story. Same with chapter 2. I think you should either add something about the story, or omit the chapters entirely. (I'd opt for adding something about the story--remember that's the most important thing. Scenery is just decoration.) That's just me though, so take that with a grain.

Overall, this story has a good chance of being really good. The location is good, the characters have issues with which to deal, and there is that threat of a big storm. Awesome stuff. My suggestion is to bring the story in sooner, economize your writing by omitting unnecessary words or actions, and throw in a comma or two :-)

If you would like a more in depth review, you might want to join the Brutally Honest Crit Group on the Forum. I did, and received some great advice.

Also, you might want to read Holy Innocents. It's a rollicking good story (on Authonomy, of course).

BEST of luck to you, Jeff!! JKinkade

Excellent pacing and a solid read so far. Shelved and starred. Henry

This is the first complete draft of my story and I am looking to edit and add more. I am looking for help with the technical details of the story and atmosphere. It's the first thing I've ever written, I hope you can see past the rough edges. Joff.