The Wrong Body

The Wrong Body.
Don - you asked me to take a look at your book. The title and short pitch draw me in, as I always enjoy a good whodunnit. But isnt the long pitch rather heavy with adverbs?
I make notes as I read, and do tend to notice nits, but I dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Two 'The's are rather jarring, and perhaps you need to trim your words a bit. Something like: 'Four observers sat in a perfect parallel line, each wearing dark casual clothing, with clumsy ex-army issue headphones draped round their shoulders.'
Removal of unnecessary words would greatly increase the flow of your story: very, directly, hastily, already, rather, probably, just.
Then I am caught up in the action.
Editors have an aversion to exclamation marks, I'm told. Perhaps you can even reduce their number in the dialogue?
The Ice man paragraph has three sentences beginning with It.
The stray in VPs between Salvatori and Geoff Bagley is slightly disconcerting.
The you handle the scene of the emergency very well, and dI am drawn into the urgency of it all.

Ch.2. Your story has the clipped fast movement and background reminiscent of a le Carre novel.
But try not to start your sentences with the same words in one paragraph. They.

Ch.3. You could effectively delete the 'long' from gone. And check out all the adverbs for possible pruning.
I love that picture of the pantomime horse treading treacle.
Do you mean a faint, not feint red glow?

Ch.4. That's a vivid picture of Charlie waiting for the ferry, and the docking in the rain.
Dont you mean it was well after 1am?
You dont need words like just, soon, still, hardly, again.
So, an ambush in typical African fashion...

And there's no more to read?
I am enjoying your racey story, which after editing should become very publishable.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Not usually my kind of thing, but an interesting story none the less. I liked the diversity of your charters, however the shear amount you introduced to your reader is a little overwhelming especially right at the beginning of the story. The plot flows nicely and the pace picks up fast on its way towards the end of chapter one, which made me want to read on. I loved the banter and that the conversations between the men sounded so real, as if you'd been listening in to the real CIA and copying down what they said. Great start :-)

Quite an international thriller you've got going. Lots of action in the first chapter. Very fast-paced and definately not boring! Only criticism for me is the amount of characters that you introduced. I understand why you are doing it-get it all out of the way and move on with the awesome story. As a reader, your terrific story would be more clear if you slowed down a tad. Otherwise, this has everything a Clive Cussler, Nelson DeVille, Tom Clancy, etc. fan would love. Nice job.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and Last Degree

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing start. A dynamic, take charge main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Excellent pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Friday 2 December 1994. 4.00pm. '4.00pm' should be '4.00 p.m.' or, better yet, 'four p.m.' There are more cases of this type of problem.
2) "We're rolling guys." Comma after 'rolling.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where someone is addressed but their name or title isn't offset with commas.
3) 'He was an experience former marine." Capitalize 'marine.'
4) Hyphenate 'brother in law.'
5) 'He was becoming very frustrated' is telling. How did Hammond's frustration manifest? Consider describing the onset of his frustation so vividly the reader will experience it along with Hammond. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire" this month.

Happy writing,

Al

Don,
I read to the end of ch4. I do love a tangled plot, and if your pitch is anything to go by I reckon we're in for a treat. You set this up with care, taking the time to introduce us to some interesting real life characters and drawing out the threads for a complex and intelligent thriller. The investigation details seemed very well researched and the pace quickend appropriately as we move away from the scene setting and realise the connections between the key players. You leave ch 4 at a point where any reader would want to read on and find out what happens next.
Best of luck with this
Babs

The Wrong Body is an extraordinarily well written book, bracing and fast paced. The imagery is thrilling and draws the reader instantly into each scene. An author with a thorough resume of experience and books, I expect this book will also do extremely well. Chapter 1 gives a great introduction of characters with enjoyable dialogue I found courteous and entertaining. All surveillance sequences are well researched and authentic. I sped through Chapters 2 to 4 and would enjoy an upload of a few more chapters if available. This is a book I would definitely come back to in much more detail. Highly starred for now. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

I read the first couple of chapters and found an enjoyable, intricate drama. The characters seem authentic and the action is well described. I particularly enjoyed the scene in the railway station. Welsh doesn't crop up often in this type of international caper! Nice hook with the mystery package, I already want to read on to find out what it is. It wasn't clear to me what purpose the synopsis ahead of c1 served. I notice nobody swears, which I'm guessing is deliberate, though I'm not sure how realistic this is, considering the tension and frustration involved for all concerned. I don't necessarily mean X rated swearing. It just struck me that the dialogue is very genteel considering the testosterone flying about. A few minor grammatical issues, but nothing a good edit couldn't easily sort out.. Well-starred and on my WL for further reading. Good luck with this.

Hi Don

I enjoyed your first chapter - the ambush of Salvatori on the subway platform was particularly gripping. I tend to agree with other comments made that the going was a little slow at first but the pace picked up as the chapter progressed and I'll definitely be back to read more.

Regards
Marie

Hi Don,

I got to read the opening chapter and I have to echo the other comments you have already received. I was slightly distracted by a lot of the introductory dialogue and descriptions, I seemed to lose track of who was who and who was saying what. That was until the CIA operative began tracking Salvatori and the story really began to grip me. I was curious to find out more after the 'incident' (I don't want to spoil this for anybody who hasn't read it yet!)

The language is very real and I could really imagine the scenes playing out as I read - I can only compare it to watching a medical drama where you don't understand all of the medical terms but they do add to the 'realism' of the scene. (Hope this makes sense?)

There is a great mystery surrounding Khan, the phone calls and possibly the package that would encourage me to read more but, being honest, you may lose some readers on here with the opening sequence. When the story gathered pace at the train station though, it was gripping! Well done!

Best of luck with this. I hope to read more soon,

Kind regards,

Danny
Hidden in the Shadows

Hi Don -

The first think I would say is that I find the introductory stuff you have up before your first chapter begins a bit distracting. I wanted to get right into the story and it seems a bit self-promotional and not necessarily needed here on Authonomy.

Though this is not the type of novel I would normally read, I got drawn in about halfway into the first chapter. The banter and conversation was interesting and well constructed, but I wasn't really curious until I found out it they were listening in on a villa in Sorrento - perhaps it might be worth finding a way to work that in earlier? Somehow that made everything more mysterious to me and my curiosity got the better of me.

You might wan to consolidate the three paragraphs you devote to explaining what is in his file into one - or list all the details tersely, separated by commas - it seemed a bit long-winded as I read it - I wanted the info, but as statements and quick snippets of fact, not a narrative. You also have some exclamation marks in there that I am not sure are necessary.

I would love to read this entire book and it's exactly the type of book my Dad would love. It seems like you have the beginnings of a really great story here!

I wish you luck with this and come check out my novel when you get a chance!

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful)

Hi Don.
This isn't my usual type of read but I am interested in everyone's writing style. You can tell you're from a journalistic background as you write clearly and concisely.
You have a lot of scene setting in Ch1, with the banter between the CIA operatives - which I guess is there to introduce Franz - but it does slow the pace down a bit. I'm puzzled about what it is about Prof Salvatori that excites the interest of the US government so much. A former professor of economics with ties to an ice-cream business in Wales? I couldn't feel the urgency, therefore in the CIA tracking him and then the subsequent huge police operation in the UK to trace his daughter and the mysterious package.
I like Aled. He seems to be a well-rounded MC with just enough back story to fill in his character.
I found your book really picks up the pace in Ch 4 with Charlie's hi-jacking. Atmospheric, gritty and fast. More of the same please!
Kat x Hens from Hell

Dear Don,

"Don Hale is an award winning true crime author with two books made into films. This is his first ever fictional crime novel." - your short pitch builds capacity and places you in the position of the likes of Bill Clinton being listened to about politics.

"Don Hale has won numerous awards as a best selling true crime author and investigative journalist. His book Town Without Pity became a BBC TV drama, whilst Mallard is set to be a documentary on the Discovery Channel." - raises exceptions very high for value for the time and money a reader prepares to put into buying and reading "The Wrong Body" . Bravo with the pitch.

Julius B [Destined to Triumph]