The Next John Elway

The Next John Elway

This is a return review

I’ve read the first chapter, which is fairly long and covers many years. I like the opening, and that the reader can only guess who they’re talking about.

The scene where Joe is watching the match shows either a passion for the sport or a fair amount of research, and that‘s nice to read. I don’t think it’s necessary to be interested in the sport to enjoy this. It’s also a good way to anchor the plot - we see the family first at one moment.

As the chapter continues, this is what I’d have liked to see more of. There are more stories - the scene in the shop with Joe’s old teacher, and Boots taking Andrew for a drink, but there’s also quite a lot of information presented just as information. I’ve commented on that in more detail below.

There are also various time shifts throughout the chapter and mostly that’s no problem and it’s easy to follow, although I do think for an opening it’s quite a lot to take in.

I like the idea set out in the short pitch. I’ve never seen it before. In your long pitch, I think the focus could be more firmly with the boys. I understand why you’ve mentioned the one man and the two women but I’m not sure if it’s necessary. The last line would be enough to tell the reader that the people in Monroe Falls need the boys. In the first chapter, there isn’t much hint of any of this.

Chapter One

The opening scene is nicely done, possibly it’s a telephone conversation although I wasn’t certain. I hope they’re referring to Andrew.

“This was supposed to be our time.” This is fine, but it might be easier to understand the point of view if it were in italics. This is Joe’s thought (because of the “our”), not part of the general narrative.
It’s unusual to refer to things that are going to happen far in the future, for example, “But through the years Joe would learn it was never Cleveland sport team’s time.” and, “would face many trials with their first son through the years.“ It makes me expect that shortly there will be a time shift to this future point - otherwise the invisible narrator (you) shouldn’t know this.
“Susan always blamed herself for the cause.” doesn’t need “for the cause.”
“Susan liked what she saw.” There are point of view switches here, between Joe and Susan. Some readers won’t like knowing what’s in more than one character’s mind at once - even in the third person. That might or might not matter to you.
There is a fairly good balance of information and story - paragraphs like the one starting, “Joe and Susan talked every day…” perhaps come a little close to giving too much information in a bland way, especially for a first chapter. I like that it starts with the family scene and the story about how they met is fine (although quite normal) but I’m not sure that the reader needs to know every part of their relationship and the way their lives have been organised, especially things like the detail that Joe came back to buy his parents’ supermarket. If these things can’t be told as a story, (in dialogue, in action etc) their inclusion should be limited to where they are essential to the plot.
“A few years after the birth of the twins…” By this point, I think this might be Joe and Susan’s whole life together in one chapter. Time has moved again, this time to after the match Joe was watching. The structure is easy enough to follow but you’re asking the reader to really care about this couple enough to want to know everything - but quite a lot of it is in general terms. They don’t have to be likeable (Joe really isn’t) but it’s important that we’re invested enough in them. I’m only partway through the first chapter and enough has happened to fill a novel. I’m not saying this is wrong, but it’s got the potential to be challenging.
I don’t know what “garl darn” means.
I like Boots’ conversation with little Andy.
“But he never lost sight of the cash register.” is a nice bit of character.

Having only read one chapter, it’s not possible to comment on the overall plot, although I do like the premise in the pitch. But I can say that this is well-edited and has an interesting structure, and a cast of characters who have the potential to be memorable, if not always likeable. Good luck with it,

Lucy

Not my genre at all, at first! American football is something I know nothing about. But my belief is that a good writer can make any subject interesting and because I read on, that is just what you are! The dialogue is superb, the action and tension perfect, the descriptions first class. I personally dont think you should change a thing.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

The Next John Elway is a very engaging and charming read. I really liked the opening NFL scene - obviously written by someone who is not only well versed in the game, but also passionate about its star players. This is a good lead-in to the main characters of the story as I found the romance of Joe and Susan endearing. The Next John Elway is very enjyable, well constructed and believeable. I've rated it high stars and intend to read more. Best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

This is good, solid story telling. The opening phone conversation is exciting, although I might flesh it out a little, with some clues about who is speaking and where he is. Overall you do a great job balancing description, narrative and dialogue. I like your images, and characterization, which you show through action and dialog, and I appreciate that.
I only noticed one errata to fix: "helpless to such emerging greatness" was probably supposed to be something like "helpless against such greatness", etc.
But overall, this looks pretty solid to me.
Best of luck moving forward!
And if you have any interest in children's literature, please do come take a look at the Lost Wink.
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

THE NEXT JOHN ELWAY
This is a good story: a nice combination of how families evolve over the years into their finished form plus an accent on sports; a winning combination. Joseph is a good main character; has something of each of us in him. I’m not sure you need the opening conversation on the bus. I was a little confused by it because I nether knew who was talking or what they were talking about. And I loved all the detail that followed about Joseph’s background (I’m a patient reader) but I suspect others will be telling you to shift some of this back story to later on (reveal it on a need to know basis rather than all at once). Read additional comments and if most readers tend to say that, listen to it. Eithe way, this is well written. Great detail. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who KiIled the President?

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Hello David-
book-The Next John Elway-

Read the first four chapters of this modern saga-

American football interwoven with family life , I have no doubt will do well for young readers in colleges throughout America, and deservedly so-
I Found it to be a very engrossing literary read that I had to read slowly to savour the American way of life and
there support for football, the national game.
A deep and warm novel in it's own way , enjoyable, with a premise of better things to come-
good luck with it - David

tom bye Dublin Ireland
book-from hugs to kisses;
you could like chapter 5 in mine- read about Ireland national game-
thanks

The Next John Elway – David Schild

David,

Thank you for your patience in awaiting this review. I’ve now had a chance to look at TNJE and am happy to offer you my initial thoughts. Firstly, I have to say that this is based solely on your opening chapter. The reasons for this are twofold; firstly, as with everyone on the site, my time is spread very thinly between books, work, my own writing and life in general. Secondly, your first chapter is a long one, and my observations on it form quite a lengthy critique.

As you will be only too aware, the first chapter of any book these days is the killer in terms of attracting interest, and although the rest of the novel has to stand up to the promise of its opening, securing a reader’s interest from the off is crucial. To this end, although I think there is extreme promise both stylistically and narratively in your writing there were some early problems for me in terms of structure and characterisation that I personally felt would benefit from some reworking.

I think the title of the novel, though obviously completely pertinent to the book, may be a stumbling block for those readers, like myself, who have a total ignorance about sport in general, and US centric sports in particular. Obviously not having read the balance of the MS I can’t comment on whether it is significant in terms of your pitch, and the idea of the twelve apostles as kids, but I wondered if there was some connection being made between the idea of “The Next John Elway” and the second coming; a comment on modern society and its preoccupation of deifying (decidedly secular) individuals. I may be well out here, but that was my impression.

I am really attracted to the premise of the novel; the 12 apostles idea is fresh and intriguing and I can see how this translates into a saga type story of their origins and their respective fates.

I also totally agree that you have a “voice”. In some ways and in many parts, I was reminded of Franzen, in your wonderful evocation of a small town and the minutiae of its inhabitants. Your characters’ voices felt authentic for people who were, in some way or another, intent on making their mark upon a world that somehow only extended as far as they lived. And yet, there was also a universality in their respective ambitions and foibles: Mrs Proctor in the supermarket who lamely asserts her long-gone authority by demanding the immediate arrival of Real Lemon, for example, or the tender relationship between Andy and his grandfather. All of these are beautifully executed, and they lend verisimilitude and poignancy by turn to the narrative.

My problems come early, however, mainly to do with the structure of this opening chapter. I once gave another Authonomite an idea which he said totally transformed his writing; it was simply the concept that each chapter should have a controlling idea behind it, whether that be to set a scene, give us an inciting incident, examine a character in more details, or whatever. Not that this should be spelled out for the reader, you understand, but so that the author can know and follow a direction in their writing which gives them more control of their material.

I’ll try and break this down more as I examine the first chapter in detail:


Chapter One:

My personal opinion is that this chapter presently suffers from what I call “narrative sprawl”. As a reader I feel pulled in so many different directions that I am not quite sure where I am supposed to be looking and as a result I sometimes felt disoriented and frustrated.

Whilst I totally understand that this is a saga, I think this is even more, not less, of a reason to be extremely disciplined with your storytelling. By its nature, we are being asked to relate to a multiple cast of characters who will accordingly split our interest/sympathy levels. Because of this you need to bed them in to our consciousness more diligently, I feel; to allow us to spend some time with them and not be afraid that the pace will not carry this through. It was almost as if you were trying to show us everyone at once in order that we didn’t lose interest too quickly, but it actually had the opposite effect for me, in that I grew exhausted with trying to keep up with the various names, their relationships to the other characters, as well as their own individual back stories.

The opening paragraph, at the ball game, is problematic for me. Perhaps it’s because it lacks a firmly established context; perhaps it’s a Brit/US divide. Nevertheless, I think starting with dialogue is always tricky, unless that dialogue is so compelling that we are willing to tag along and find out what it’s all about. For me, there wasn’t enough in this to justify it as an opening paragraph and as a result it sat rather oddly. I feel sure that your intention was to create an air of mystery, but I was not yet invested enough to really care in the subject of the men’s dialogue.

I wasn’t sure that Susan’s reactions to her “bastard” husband were suitably motivated to justify her behaviour or feelings in the scene where Joe is watching the game. It is clear that there is a troubled history between them, or at least a lengthy one, and this becomes clearer as the chapter progresses, but it’s almost as though we are being made aware of *your* prior knowledge of these characters as author, before we have a chance to judge them for ourselves.

The backstory of Joe and Susan’s courtship is wonderfully executed, complete with its sense of awkward authenticity but I wondered again, if this came a little too soon, and in too much detail. In addition, it introduces many characters, each with their respective histories, which is always a problem in terms of emotional investment in a reader. Although, as I say, I loved the little vignettes that gave flavour to your narrative, their mentioning and their detail presupposes that they are going to play a significant role in the story to come. I can’t tell for sure, but if some of these characters, at least, are “mere” spear-carriers then their inclusion needs to be dispersed more selectively through the text.

Similarly beware of trying to tell us everything about a character and their history in large chunks of prose which can sometimes lead to the accusation of telling rather than showing, or info dumping. Personally, I don’t always believe in the show versus tell argument and think there are places where the latter is not only permissible but downright enjoyable! However, overall, I would rather hear the history of a character drip-fed through dramatic exchanges or properly paced scenes, especially when that character is one who is likely to play so pivotal a role as Mary Horner. In addition, her inclusion at the end of the chapter, rather than the cliffhanger which I felt you were aiming for, seemed to minimise her importance, simply because it was another piece of historical backstory amidst the others dispersed throughout the chapter.

What I missed most of all from this opening was a real sense of purpose; some sense of direction that would compel me onwards with the narrative. I don’t necessarily mean a specific event, or high drama, either. Again, to mention Franzen, if you take a look at the opening of The Corrections it is a relatively quiet chapter, introducing us to the characters of Albert and Enid with a slow assuredness in which nothing apparently happens. Yet the prose is saturated with meaning and omen, of their history and the way this has become somehow fractured. We long to know more yet there isn’t an explosion in sight! I think you have a similar challenge in TNJE; how to engage the reader much quicker, and much more compellingly than you do at present.

Personally, I like the idea of starting off the story with Boots Streeter. To me, he is a strong character with a history and a sense of perspective on events that none of the other characters seem to have yet. His evocation and memories of the town, married with his indelible sense of pride and competitiveness, are incredibly well drawn and powerful. As a result, I was attracted to the idea of his perspective opening the book as a sort of top-down conceit; one which then telescopes into the finer detail of the generations and their various trials and tribulations.

Stylistically, there is at times an awkwardness to your phrasing that could be tweaked to read easier on the ear; for example,

“Her mouth oscillated into a small smile, or a broader smile”

would perhaps read better as

“her mouth oscillated between a small then broader smile”.

Similarly, I had some confusion with the line “her (Susan’s) mother” followed by “her mother, Kathryn” which read as if Susan actually had two mothers!

Elsewhere, there were a few instances where you used the same word in quite quick succession. This is a minor thing, and one which I have only managed to detect in my own work now that it is coming to a final line edit and polish.

There is a curious break in point of view towards the end of chapter one. First, we are travelling back with Boots and Andy, and getting a history/geography lesson on the area, and then we are back with Joe and his musings about Mary Horner. For me, this was really jarring and goes back to my earlier point about the “controlling idea”. Focus us, as readers, on one element of the story at a time, especially in a piece which has so many of them, and we will appreciate it immensely!

As I said, I am not sure where the twelve apostles bit comes into it at the moment, and I think it might be nice to bring this idea, or at least the suggestion of it, forward in the narrative. Is the town in which they live a god-fearing town? Did they ever imagine the 12 apostles would come again, and in what form? How have they been surprised by events? As you can see I am gently trying to nudge you into a sense of perspective in this opening; some narrative thread that will give us an overview of the saga we are about to experience.

I hope this doesn’t sound so desperately critical, David; I mention these things in the best spirit possible, and because I think your writing is worth it. You definitely have something here, and the talent to push it further; I want more than anything for your ability to do justice to the execution of this MS.

You asked me, in your message whether the opening of the novel was dramatic enough to prompt a reader to keep reading; for this reader, probably not at the moment, simply because of the lack of focus at present. Despite the beauty of the writing it’s kind of all in the wrong order for me as it stands. I want/need something more concrete to get a handle on; a sense of where this is all headed. Once you have that, married up with your impressive narrative skill, I think you will have an opening to be very very proud of.

I do hope this has been of some assistance; obviously these are my thoughts and my suggestions and if they in no way chime with your own authorial intent they should be disregarded without a second thought. I wish you all the very best with it.

With warm regards,

Wiz

A Small Death

http://www.authonomy.com/books/38849/a-small-death/

I read through the first chapter and I have to say I liked it. This is a far cry from my usual type of story but you did a great job with it. You write with a smooth rhythm and your descriptions are vivid and natural. Definite high stars. Thanks for the read.

Narrative poetry, lyrical and fluent.
I found this story crisp and flowing. A captivating read.
Good strong plot, with descriptive elements that colour the text.
You make football interesting and maybe even a creative art.
I see your love for this and it draws me in.
This grabs the reader’s attention and makes you want to read more.
You have the storyteller gene.
Well done.

Hi David

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

I read what is up of this. The story is enjoyable, if a little confusing at first. I don't know what they're putting in the water over there to make everyone so horrible to their men, though. I'm about ready to just slap these women. (Especially Mary, that double-dipped bitch! I hope she's headed for a fall.) Well, I guess I'm about ready to slap a lot of these people. I guess that's the point.

I don't like the pitch, for a number of reasons. You mention the 9-11 disaster first thing, but having read 211,365 words of this, it hasn't happened yet. It may become crucial later (I note you are not complete) but if I picked this up expecting a 9-11 story, I'd have been confused. The maturing of the boys has largely taken place without it. You say they are maturing "in the context of high school football." Well, there was some football, and perhaps there will be more - but again, I don't think this is central. And, as I'm not religious, I don't follow the apostles reference at all. (I will say, I think it reads better now as modern-day apostles than it did as "the apostles as children" which was what it said when I looked previously.)

I think your pitch is likely to alienate people who aren't into sports or religion - and for no good reason. This was a multi-layered story about family, adultery, lust, love, growth, betrayal, economics, honor and more. I think you could get more readers if you lighten up on the pitch. (And I note that you have changed it since I started the read, but I still think you need to reconsider and pitch what this would mean to someone here, more than what it means to you.)

I'll caution others: as of this moment there are two versions of this book posted on Authonomy, so if you decide to read it make sure you find the current one. I read about fifteen chapters from the wrong work...

I have a list of typos and suggestions I won't post up publicly here, especially as a great deal of my read was from an old manuscript. If you'd like to have them just message me.

There's not much I can critique about this David. It is a smooth, well constructed piece of work. Being English, I don't have the same knowledge or passion for American football and basketball as you and your countrymen. But that matters little due to your intimate and in-depth style of narration. That brings me to my only tiny criticism. I would like to see a slightly faster pace to the beginning of your story. I am impressed by your writing but I am looking for the next piece of action. Although that may just be me. I tend to want every page to surprise, shock or make me laugh which, of course, is an impossible ask. You are on my w/l and I will read more.
Good luck, Sully.

I like the steady pace. I like the building of the characters. You're right, this story is about the characters, and I like them. Your writing is clear and concise. I did spot some comma errors, but they were minor. I like the idea of them being 12 apostles. That is a unique idea and you've built around it beautifully. High stars, and good luck here on Autho.

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

I absolutely love the pitch for this book. A great concept - one I immediately thought would make a great book - even a great TV series. Having said that, I know very little about the Christian faith, so I was worried that there would be much that I didn't understand.

Once I started reading - it didn't matter at all. You writing is so skillful that I was pulled right into the story. I could see, hear, and picture all of the characters - the place where they lived, the supermarket - everything. And then it didn't matter anymore if this was a Christian story or not, or if I understood any nuances in the text or not.

This is, pure and simple, a really good story, very well written. And honestly? Isn't that what we all look for in a good book?

I am humbled by your confident writing style and masterful storytelling. And on top of that you have a killer concept!!!

Amazing. Thank you for sharing this with us.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Hi David
Echoing others here when I say this is great. A very clear and atmospheric picture of small town life during the era its set. One paragraph jumped out at me: 'When Susan called....She was so sorry not to have called him.' The double use of 'called' meant I had to re-read several times to understand what you were saying here. Otherwise, it flowed very smoothly indeed.
Starred and I will add to my shelf as soon as there's a free space.
Sheila

Hi David! I loved the unique approach in your book, something i've never came across before. Also, as Im a Brit and not very interested in sports, your attention to detail and explanation was stunning and helped the reader to really connect instead of alienating them because of their lack of knowledge. It is an incredibly well written book, thankyou for giving us the opportunity to read this.
Andrew

The Next John Elway

Hello David,

Here at last for the read I promised a while ago. I liked this a lot. I am not an effusive reviewer, not chasing reciprocity with low-level saccahrin comments, read some of my other reviews if you are doubtful. But I really, really liked this alot. These are the thoughts that went through my mind as I read this. I don't like sport, I don't live in small town America. But, boy, did you make it so very interesting. You have a real talent for making it interesting, for weaving stories - they curl off your beautiful short sentences like a kind of heat haze - and pictures in my head. This is pure Americana, it is the simple style, coupled with the deeply intelligent power of writerly observation and the ability to never, ever patronize your reader. I gobbled this up, the short sentences worked so very well and there is already a lovely pathos and sense of regret hanging over the heads of the characters, especially her.

You don't wait to extoll virtues or vices, you get on with story, you assume a reciprocal intelligence in your reader and your dialogue is expertly done, without too much attribution and none of that over-writing adverbial nonsense we see so many times on this site. Stylistically I'd put you in the John Irving, Ernest Hemingway, Cormac McCarthy place, in the sense that your sentences are weighted exactly right and you convey not simply the information in the words but an impression that hangs about the piece. Literary American fiction, with a major on character and story. And the subject matter shouldn't be that interesting.

My only suggestion for improvement would be your pitch, which I think doesn't do the piece itself justice. You need more white space and you need shorter sentences, it needs to sing in the same way the writing itself does. Lovingly done David, very impressive writing and it deserves to do very well indeed on this site and you should have an agent by now on the power of your writing alone.

Liked a lot, in case you hadn't guessed.
Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Benevolence)

Well, well, well, something different. You have a unique voice, and you've accomplished something incredible--made me interested in a book about sports! :P No, seriously, this is really good.

Small thing... are you shooting for accuracy, or is Monroe Falls, OH, a made-up place? Cuz I was born and raised two minutes from Munroe Falls, OH, which is definitely Browns territory. And Munroe Falls is nowhere near Norwalk... I suppose I should look this up on google maps before making a fool of myself... anyway... I'll be going now.

Hey, David.....good stuff on your book. I'm afraid I'm not much on this social networking thing....kind of a luddite and techno-idiot rolled into one.....You have a great, fluid style and wonderful insight into the game and life....I wish you luck with this.....I'm a Canadian and fascinated by the whole American football thing....good stuff.....take care....john

David, I'm absolutely loving this book. The American feel to it, reading it from an Australian / New Zealand perspective, is very prevalent. The culture throughout the book and the story line is interesting and hits home no matter where you're from. One thing I would suggest, this is entirely up to you, is maybe allowing the Chapters to be shorter. I find if Chapters are too long, it can lose a reader. Other than that, you've done brilliantly :O) Ive reed up to Chapter 4. I do wish you all the best. I hope to get through it, sometime soon. :O)

I could read about football all day. You write very well and create a clear, poignant picture of small-town life in the 80's and 90's. I am starting your fifth chapter and love every bit of this book.

What I keep hearing is that publishers will look only at the first couple of chapters. If that is the case, then your approach--building the world of the town and team--won't garner you any offers. Better to begin with the team fully formed and playing football. Provide these marvelous details as flashbacks.

Your pitch compares the boys to the twelve apostles, yet I've encountered religion only as an almost obligatory duty. No one seems to be possessed of great faith, so I'm wondering how these boys develop into the apostles.

There's a football player named Jet in my book also! He doesn't appear in the chapters I've posted, though.

Best of luck to you with your work!!
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

PS - when you hit "reply" to these comments, the person you're replying to doesn't see it. You need to choose "send message" to actually reach them. The reply just inflates your number of comments.

great premise and I like how you link in 9/11. WL and will read soon!

I came back for some more and I wasn't disappointed! A very unique premise, and extremely well written! High starred and backed!! :)

Michelle
~ Willow Lake Manor ~

David. Read the first chapter and will moved through some more. Immediately grabbed my attention. John Elway and Ozzie Newsome (Go Broncos and Roll Tide in my house :) ). Love the premise and am keen to see how it all comes together. The opening scene was real enough to me that I could change the names to my name and my wife's and believe we're having the conversation. The Broncos drive you described is one of my best memories of Elway. Like I said, I want to see what happens to the Apostles. Good work, Ted.

Thank you Ted. Appreciate the support. I've seen your novel, but haven't had the time to read it yet. Perhaps this weekend.

David. Read the first chapter and will moved through some more. Immediately grabbed my attention. John Elway and Ozzie Newsome (Go Broncos and Roll Tide in my house :) ). Love the premise and am keen to see how it all comes together. The opening scene was real enough to me that I could change the names to my name and my wife's and believe we're having the conversation. The Broncos drive you described is one of my best memories of Elway. Like I said, I want to see what happens to the Apostles. Good work, Ted.

Great concept and pitch! I felt your story moved along at a healthy pace. My only recommendations would be to shorten to smaller chapters as several characters are introduced, and to add a few more sensory details throughout. The romance blossoming between Joe and Susan was very sweet.

Overall -- this is great! High star rating!

Michelle
~ Willow Lake Manor ~

David,

This is well written. I thought the conversation between Joe and Susan when they had their first kiss was written particularly well. It captured a more innocent time. I usually take notes when I read but there wasn't much to write down as I didn't stumble while reading. The only thing that briefly threw me was Kendall Jackson. When there girl said something o the effect of " This my friend Kendall Jackson." I pictured her sloshing around a big glass of red wine. I'm sure you realize Kendall Jackson is a wine, I would see if anyone else mentions it.
No one has mentioned it except you. I can't often afford Kendall Jackson. But thank you for your feedback. I greatly appreciate it.
David Schild
Well done..
Best,
Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

David,

This is well written. I thought the conversation between Joe and Susan when they had their first kiss was written particularly well. It captured a more innocent time. I usually take notes when I read but there wasn't much to write down as I didn't stumble while reading. The only thing that briefly threw me was Kendall Jackson. When there girl said something o the effect of " This my friend Kendall Jackson." I pictured her sloshing around a big glass of red wine. I'm sure you realize Kendall Jackson is a wine, I would see if anyone else mentions it.

Well done.
Best,
Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

Hi Schild
Your premise is great that is result of your immense imagination. Characters are well portrayed and storyline gives an eyewitness account. This may attract anybody; this fiction must reach market.
My best wishes are with you
Ajay

The Next John Elway

David,

Your pitch highly intrigued me, especially with ‘What if the Twelve Apostles still exist…’ – the idea makes this book stand out of the whole range of other books of the genre.
You start with dialogue but perhaps I think it works as it’s easy for the reader to visualize the rest of the scene. Then you paint a vivid picture of family life, and flashbacks follow that let us get to know Joe and Susan better. As I move further I note to myself how impeccable this manuscript is. It’s like I’m reading a published book. I have no doubt you worked hard to achieve the first-rate level of writing, which you certainly did. I have no suggestions for you (which, to tell you the truth, happens rarely to me here) and I can only wish you the best of luck with the book. When I have time I’ll return for more.

All six stars are yours.

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

This reminds me a bit of the movie "The Blind Side" with Sandra Bullock, the story of Michael Oher, the talented football player with a disadvantaged childhood with no education.
If you make the chapters shorter by dividing them up into "bite sized" chunks, then it makes the reading so much easier.
Its still a great story to read.
Kirk
"How to Steal a lion"

I spent a couple of hours reading your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start. Engaging main characters. Excellent use of deep point of view to flesh out the characters. Effective descriptions. You have made small town Ohio real. Not a lot of tension in this chapter. Good pacing.

Specific comments on your first chapter:
1) 'He felt a numbness overtake his body.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the 'numbness' so realistically the reader will experience it along with Joe. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into your story. There are more uses of 'felt' in this chapter and probably in your manuscript.
2) ' ... it was never a Cleveland sports teams' time.' Teams' (plural possessive) should be team's (singular possessive) because you started the phrase with 'a' which is singular.
3) 'Her sweet perfume made him pull her tighter.' When you mention an aromatic item try to characterize it as uniquely as possible. 'Sweet' is a good start, but it doesn't go far enough. What is the dominate aroma of her perfume? Lilacs? Peppermint? Lemon? Vanilla? When you characterize an aroma, you pull the reader deeper into the scene.
4) "Yes Joe." Comma after 'yes.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
5) "I guess, I suppose," Susan smiled. Period after 'suppose.' The only time the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when it is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Since you can't smile dialogue, 'Susan smiled' isn't a dialogue tag. As a result, the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period.
6) "Yes ... " Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since Latesha interrupts Susan, an em-dash seems appropriate. There are more cases when an ellipsis is used when an em-dash is appropriate.
7) 'Laney became an inspiration for girls that works in the store.' 'That' should be 'who.'
8) Hyphenate 'sixty seven.'
9) "Grandpa, w .. where did you get that knife on the wall?" When using ellipses ( ... ), always use three dots. Using less is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with two dots. You don't want that. There is another case of this type of problem.
10) 'The night at Frankies didn't get going until ... ' Frankies (plural) should be Frankie's (possessive).

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your continued support of "Savannah Fire."

Bless you.

Al

All good comments, Al. I appreciate your time. Now you have me thinking what should Susan's perfume really smell like? That's improtant. Susan loves Chanel, which comes out in later chapters. I always need to be reminded of show not tell. But thanks again.
David Schild

I spent a couple of hours reading your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start. Engaging main characters. Excellent use of deep point of view to flesh out the characters. Effective descriptions. You have made small town Ohio real. Not a lot of tension in this chapter. Good pacing.

Specific comments on your first chapter:
1) 'He felt a numbness overtake his body.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the 'numbness' so realistically the reader will experience it along with Joe. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into your story. There are more uses of 'felt' in this chapter and probably in your manuscript.
2) ' ... it was never a Cleveland sports teams' time.' Teams' (plural possessive) should be team's (singular possessive) because you started the phrase with 'a' which is singular.
3) 'Her sweet perfume made him pull her tighter.' When you mention an aromatic item try to characterize it as uniquely as possible. 'Sweet' is a good start, but it doesn't go far enough. What is the dominate aroma of her perfume? Lilacs? Peppermint? Lemon? Vanilla? When you characterize an aroma, you pull the reader deeper into the scene.
4) "Yes Joe." Comma after 'yes.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
5) "I guess, I suppose," Susan smiled. Period after 'suppose.' The only time the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when it is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Since you can't smile dialogue, 'Susan smiled' isn't a dialogue tag. As a result, the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period.
6) "Yes ... " Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since Latesha interrupts Susan, an em-dash seems appropriate. There are more cases when an ellipsis is used when an em-dash is appropriate.
7) 'Laney became an inspiration for girls that works in the store.' 'That' should be 'who.'
8) Hyphenate 'sixty seven.'
9) "Grandpa, w .. where did you get that knife on the wall?" When using ellipses ( ... ), always use three dots. Using less is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with two dots. You don't want that. There is another case of this type of problem.
10) 'The night at Frankies didn't get going until ... ' Frankies (plural) should be Frankie's (possessive).

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your continued support of "Savannah Fire."

Bless you.

Al

David,
I always find life in a rural setting very charming. The happy family, grandparents living on the farm, and the love of football very much alive. Good strong writing with great dialogue and character descriptions.
As a reader, a couple of things jumped up in chapter one:
"This kid is a man among boys. He can will his team down the field just like John."
Perhaps you mean Andy can lead his team?
"Joe's concentration finally was broken when Susan told him he could not follow her into the girls locker room."
Joe's concentration was finally broken, sounds a bit better.
"I loved him like my father."
I loved him like a father?
The interaction between Boots and Andy reminded me of one of my favourite old movies, On Borrowed Time. The perfect grandfather teaching his grandson the ways of the world, and the curious boy with endless questions. You can clearly see the love and closeness between the two.
In chapter two nothing jumped up, except excellent prose. The confrontation betweem Andy and Ricky was so well described, i could see Andy jogging backwards preparing for the run, and Ricky sprawled on the grass, defeated. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Ricky, whose bitterness sprang from the abuse he suffered at his father's hands.
In chapter four i didn't care for "Heavens to Betsy", i think you can do better with an idea of your own rather than an overused cliche.
Overall, a delightful read which i rated with five stars, and placed in line for the shelf.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

The first thing that strikes me here is how well polished the writing is. I tried hard to find a typo but I didn’t succeed. A lot of character switching but instead of the usual struggle to keep up with the head hoping I found myself bouncing effortlessly from one sentence to the other and quite enjoying the snappy pace. All dialogue can be a very difficult opening to choose but it works better than most other attempts here. However, I would have preferred a few more dialogue tags. I was a little difficult to read so much dialogue without having any characters to associate the speech to. With so direct speech at the forefront, occasionally I lost track of what was happening. I picked it up quickly once I read over a previous sentence but it did jar the otherwise catchy flow. Thank you for your comments, Janny. There are many characters throughout the novel. In fact, the novel spans 15 years, and 1,100 pages. The story ends with the same first chapter opening dialogue.

Janny

PS Almost forgot to mention how much I love the premise here. Excellent short pitch. If that's not a hook, I don't know what is.

The first thing that strikes me here is how well polished the writing is. I tried hard to find a typo but I didn’t succeed. A lot of character switching but instead of the usual struggle to keep up with the head hoping I found myself bouncing effortlessly from one sentence to the other and quite enjoying the snappy pace. All dialogue can be a very difficult opening to choose but it works better than most other attempts here. However, I would have preferred a few more dialogue tags. I was a little difficult to read so much dialogue without having any characters to associate the speech to. With so direct speech at the forefront, occasionally I lost track of what was happening. I picked it up quickly once I read over a previous sentence but it did jar the otherwise catchy flow.

Janny

PS Almost forgot to mention how much I love the premise here. Excellent short pitch. If that's not a hook, I don't know what is.

It looks like we both have something in common. We both like writing dialogue without constantly adding a tag to it. I feel it gives the reader a better idea of what is going on when they read just the dialogue without it being weighed down.
I enjoyed what I read so far. Especially how you describe the characters. I wish I knew more about American football though, but all I know is Dan Marino who played for the Miami Dophins back in the 80's.
Just one thing I would've changed here, I would have put each chapter under a chapter of its own.
Sometimes people read more when the chapters are shorter. :) thank you. I know what you mean by chapter. I had a problem uploading.
I've rated this highly and will keep it on my w/l.
Christina
Take a Sick Break

It looks like we both have something in common. We both like writing dialogue without constantly adding a tag to it. I feel it gives the reader a better idea of what is going on when they read just the dialogue without it being weighed down.
I enjoyed what I read so far. Especially how you describe the characters. I wish I knew more about American football though, but all I know is Dan Marino who played for the Miami Dophins back in the 80's.
Just one thing I would've changed here, I would have put each chapter under a chapter of its own.
Sometimes people read more when the chapters are shorter. :)
I've rated this highly and will keep it on my w/l.
Christina
Take a Sick Break

- The Next John Elway -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

My overwhelming impression of this was that it appears to be superbly edited. Nerry a typo in sight and the writing appears to be very smooth. The writing itself is acomplished, moving us back and forth from one character to another skillfully and building a huge cast as we move on. There is definitely a saga feeling to the writing. I enjoyed the little pieces of background on each character as the were introduced as this seemed to add depth - I remeber noting this partucularly with the introduction of the bully in chapter three. There were some occasions where I got a little mixed up with who was who but i imagine this is unavoidable when we are dealing with so many people.

I enjoyed the sport theme running throughout as well, particularly the little anecdotes like John Elway's passes wreaking havoc on his receivers' hands. This added a lot of colour for me. Although, as a Brit, I am not all that familiar with US football, I do know John Elway's story and these little nuggets of superhuman achievements are translatable to any sport fan.

The only thing I really wondered about was the little intoductory phone call at the start. For me the allegory was a little too in the reader's face there. A more subtle approach, letting the story develop naturally, may have been more effective. But that's just my own personal opinion.

A polished and impressive work indeed.

All the best with it,

Ross

I was a little hesitant when I saw the first section of this was all dialogue. Dialogue is difficult to start a novel with, but you do such a good job with it that it worked. The dialogue felt real, you avoided dialogue tags, making it feel authentic, and it was an interesting exchange that set the stage well. In fact, having finished the first chapter, you write dialogue well throughout.

Your writing style is fast-paced, to-the-point, and polished. This made for a very enjoyable read. It's also equipped with a really fitting voice. I loved the line, "Susan wondered what Joe liked better, football or getting her pregnant..." Also, "Joe's concentration finally was broken when Susan told him he could not follow her into the girl's locker room." Great subtle humor.

Joe's diehard Browns fan character is well done. I saw myself watching that game with him, except it was the Cardinals and the Steelers Super Bowl, and I felt his heartbreak of coming so close and losing. And you do a great job with Susan's character. She sounds and reacts just like my wife does when I watch football on Sunday's.

I'm glad you showed us how Joe and Susan met. It's a nice contrast to their current relationship. I love the dialogue in this section. Builds a nice picture of what they once had. More great characterization.

Your writing is compelling and well done. You're definitely talented.

Suggestions: Someone who isn't familiar with football would not have picked up they were going into overtime. I ran it by my wife, and she had no idea why they only needed to be close enough for a field goal. This may not need fixing, but it might limit your audience. The bit about Joe and Susan meeting, particularly the first paragraph in that section felt longer than necessary. You might consider moving chapter two to its own chapter. You'll probably receive more reads this way. My main concern with this in its current state is there's so much back story that it's hard to tell what the real story is. In fact, at the end of chapter one, I'm not even sure we've met the main character based on the pitch. And I'm a little confused at the target audience. It's labeled as romance, which is predominately read by women. With all the football talk, I'm not sure how many women would be interested in reading this.

Typos: Careful with missing punctuation. Your missing an end quote at the end of your first sentence. Careful with pronouns. In, "he's probably already talking to his mother..." the last "his" you referred to was Tom from Michigan, and I don't think Tom called his mom about the boy. Easy fix, "he's probably already talking to the boy's mother..." "Overreacted" is one word. Other than that, this is well-edited!

Despite my nitpicks, I was hooked. The writing is excellent, the story interesting, and the characters believable. Fantastic start! Lots of stars.

On a side note, you might want to remove your phone number/address from the manuscript. Anyone can read your book.

Thank you for your recommendations. I've printed off the articles that you suggested. I think I achieved the snowflake. My novel is complete with 96 chapters and 391 thousand words, and an omnipresent veiw point. So, I have many POVs. The article on scenes and sequels will be very helpful as I go back to edit. I will be reading your book soon. Again, thank you for your refreshing help.

David Schild

I appreciate Liz and Keneth's comments on my novel, "The Next John Elway." I am finishing a novel about an Afghanistan War veteran who comes home to teach high school on the Papago Indian Reservation outside Tucson, Arizona. He thinks he's left the war far behind, but discovers another knid of war in his mind and on the border that the Papagos share with Mexico. How does he teach students that see another world than him? What is the U.S. Congresswoman apparent interset in him all about?

What a great idea! You have been blessed with a gifted imagination! Backed and starred.

Liz
The Cheech Room

David,
"The Next John Elway" is certainly an interesting read, my anticipation of the twelve apostles chewing gum, sporting jeans and high-fiving each other, leading me on. Getting back story on Susan, Joe and their friends is a pleasant stroll in anticipation of the main event you seem to have in store. Your easy conversational style and straightforward manner make your narrative clear and engaging. Thank you so much.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean