Book Jacket

 

rank 708
word count 86106
date submitted 27.06.2011
date updated 28.09.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Children's, Chris...
classification: universal
complete

A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

Barnard Cullen

Timothy’s a sheep who dreams of being a wolf. He runs away to become one, but the grass is not greener and events turn deadly.

 

Timothy Sheep is bored with the peaceful Meadows and frustrated with Orthodox-sheep telling him what he can’t do. His parents don’t understand him and he’s picked on by bullies. He dreams of becoming a fearless wolf and teaching everyone a lesson, then he finds a wolf-skin …

Through humorous adventures and misadventures, plus some creative lying and bluffs, Timothy joins the Wolf Pack. He finds ‘clothes do make the sheep’. Dressing and acting like a wolf transforms him into one. After he’s accepted, he discovers other wannabe-wolves have slipped in, too. Soon, Timothy’s enjoying the wild-life, howling and playing with friends late as he wants. He’s living his dreams.

But dreams become nightmares as the wolves’ brutal nature is revealed. With wolves killing wolves, can a ‘SHEEP IN WOLF’S CLOTHING’ survive? Too ashamed to return home to the Meadows and Flock, can Timothy protect his new girl or any of his wannabe friends? Soon he’s changed irrevocably as he’s forced to fight for his life. Will he live to learn any lessons from his wolf experiences?

Humorously parodying gang involvement and its violence, this story is suitable for Middle-Grade, Young-Adult, and Christian audiences.

 
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Chapter 34

 

It's Fang!” Timothy could see now that the wolf was one of Villain's meanest bullies. Fang bared his teeth and snarled as he slunk towards Skipper. Timothy was sure that Skipper would turn and run, but he refused and bravely stood his ground. Ewellen still hadn't been able to make it back into the fold with the baby lamb. It was clear the way Skipper flashed a look back behind him at the two, he wished they would hurry. Timothy could see Skipper was confronting Fang totally alone. The ewes were all busy with other wolves. Fang stalked closer to Skipper.

Come on,” Timothy cried as he suddenly burst forward. 

What are you doing? Youll get yourself killed!” Johnny warned.

Skipper needs help.” He called over his shoulder as he sprinted towards his friend. 

Johnny hesitated. “Oh, man. I cant believe him.” He shook his head and mumbled, “I gotta go help,” as he rushed after Timothy. Im not afraid. Im not afraid,” he kept chanting trying to convince himself. Ahead he could see that Timothy was already half way there. 

Fang crouched lower as he neared Skipper, his feral grin showing blood from another sheep. Skipper paled. “Ewellen! Hurry with that lamb. I wont be able to hold him long.” He yelled. He looked back at them again desperately, but Ewellen had sunk down onto the ground next to the now unmoving lamb. He swallowed sickly. They werent going to make it. It looked like this was it. Behind the monster in front of him, he could see two more wolves bearing down on him at a full run.

Yeah, guess this is it,” he said to himself. “Hah!” he yelled at the wolf as he pawed the ground. He lowered his head to charge. “This really is it,” he thought. Fang began to lope forward and Skipper steeled himself. As the wolf broke into a run and bounded near, Skipper charged.

Timothy could hear the “Ooof” forced out of his friend as he collided with Fang. But Fang was big and solid. The collision brought them both to a halt, but Fang lost no time in sinking his teeth into Skippers shoulder. “Owww!” Skipper cried in pain as the scarlet spread over his wool.

Timothy howled and redoubled his speed. Everything seemed to be happening too slowly. He was running hard, but he felt like he was in deep sand. He was still too far from Skipper and Fang to help. He watched the wolf jerk Skipper off his feet with his jaws. Skipper fell onto his side kicking wildly to stay upright, his head falling back. Fang let go of his hold on Skippers shoulder so he could lunge at the exposed throat.  

Nooooo!” Timothy screamed in horror. I'm almost there. Come on. Come on. Panting he tried again to run harder. He lowered his head, the wolf-skin flapping around him. I'm only going to get one chance at this. It is going to have to be right. But Fangs jaws closed onto Skippers throat. There was a ripping sound and red spurted out, just as Timothy hit Fang at full speed hard on the right side of his stretched out neck.

There was a snapping sound and Timothy saw stars and a momentary darkness. He fell to his knees from the impact and toppled onto something soft. Get up. Get up, he shrieked to himself. “Ohhhh,” escaped his lips as he struggled to his feet.  He blinked trying to clear his eyes. He saw a bleary red. Oh heck. Im hurt, he thought. Wheres Fang? Hell be on me.

He whirled at the first noise he heard. It was just Johnny bouncing to a ragged stop beside him. The look on Johnnys face was one of shock and dismay. He whirled again to face the other direction. Fang! But there was Fang lying on the ground. His head was at an odd angle from his body. His tongue was out and he was trying to gasp for air. As Timothy watched, he stopped trying and grew still. “Oh, my Gosh! I did that. I killed him,” he exclaimed in wonder. He began to feel ill. I guess I have grown, and my new horns must really help, even under my skin, he thought dazedly.

Timothy,” Johnny called. 

He turned to Johnny with his head still ringing. “I did it,” he began elated. But Johnny was looking solemnly behind him on the ground. Turning around, he saw Skipper. Skipper was kicking. It looked like he was trying weakly to run. His throat was ripped out. Timothy had never seen so much blood before. He could see terror in Skippers eyes. Skipper thinks Im a wolf, he realized. “Skipper,” he called softly. “Skipper. Its me. Its Timmy.” He blinked back tears. Red tears. He had blood all over him, Skippers blood. The soft thing hed fell on after hitting Fang had been Skipper.

Skipper was in shock and was struggling mentally. “Timmy?” he asked confusedly.

Yeah, remember? Its me. I found the wolf-skin, remember? I got in trouble for wearing it. Its me, Skipper.” He began to blubber, “I tried to help you. Oh, Skipper, Im so sorry I couldnt get here sooner.”

Timothy.” Skippers eyes lit up. “We thought... you were... gone for good.” He gasped and blood began to bubble around his lips.

Oh, no. No. Skipper, dont die.” Timothy begged.

Its Ok, Timmy... It doesnt hurt anymore.” He sucked air making a ghastly whistling sound. “You came back.” Skipper coughed red foam. “Youre OK. Im glad, Timmy....Im.... glad.”

No! Skipper, No!” But he was gone. Timothys tears half blinded him.  

Timmy. We gotta go. Now!” Johnny pulled at him. “Look, the Flock is winning. The wolves are running off.” Timmy looked around the battlefield. Sure enough, only a few tussles were still going on. The wolves were running for the trees from what he could see. A couple of the rams were chasing stragglers, but for the most part, the battlefield was strangely still. 

Timmy!” Johnny shook Timothy out of his stupor. “We gotta go! The ewes are coming and Old Wilbur is with them.” Timothy looked up. At first he was glad to see them. Then he realized they were coming to drive off a couple of wolves.

OK. Im coming,” he said as Johnny lit out in the direction of the wolves. He looked back a little wistfully. Ewellen was where she had stopped with the fallen lamb. Shed overheard everything and was staring at Timothy with a perplexed look.

I can hardly believe it. Ewellen refused to leave that little lamb, even when the wolves came. Half blinded in his grief, Timothy felt strangely proud of his old Flock. They are so much braver than I ever expected they could be. I'm proud of them. He looked one last time at Skipper, hesitating. But the sound of the approaching sheep pulled him away. Hed seen how effective they were against wolves. He took several steps and stopped again. He didn't want to leave, but at the same time he wanted to run away from Skippers still form until he dropped.

At that moment, Old Wilbur came up ahead of the rest. Odd to see the old boy in the lead, hes usually struggling to keep up, Timothy thought distracted. Wilbur was bloody in several places and had a wild look in his eyes. A loose patch of his wool and skin was hanging where it had been torn. He stopped and pawed the ground on the other side of Skipper from Timothy. Wilbur is waiting for me to turn to go, so he can charge me. 

Timothy surprised himself, and Wilbur. He snarled at Wilbur with all his pent up anguish and grief. Wilbur froze just long enough for Timothy to turn and lope after Johnny. He heard Old Wilbur yelling after him.

Bah on you. Bah, you foul thing. If I see you again, Ill kill you.” His voice rose shriller, “You hear me? Bah on you. Ill kill you.” With that Old Wilbur began to paw and tear the ground in his rage. 

Sickened that he had been with the wolves in this and not with his Flock, Timothy continued to trot away, hurrying after Johnny and the safety of the trees ahead. He looked back to make sure that no other sheep had decided to charge him after all. Skippers mother had come up. He could hear her wailing and bleating her grief to the sky. Somehow, that was worse than anything else today. It was worse than the Flocks hatred. Worse than the look hed seen in Ewellens eyes. Worse even than all Skippers blood. Timothy began to really run. He ran as hard as he could. As he passed Johnny, his friend joined him.

"Wait up," Johnny gasped. "We're not being chased." But Timothy disagreed to himself. That horror was going to chase him the rest of his life.

And the worst thing of all, Timothy moaned to himself, is the Shepherd never appeared to stop it. He never showed at all. How could he let this happen? Timothys tears streamed down his face, mixing with Skippers blood.

 

Chapters

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Ruby Red Hummingbird wrote 250 days ago

Hi Barnard.
What a wonderful book this is for mid-grade children! The characters are so natural and mischeviously funny. The way it is written it grabs young readers and talks to them about things that bother them intimately.

The excitement during Timothy's running away and joining the wolves, was exceeded when Johnny joins him and they are both forced to participate in the attack led by Villain on the Sheep in the Meadow! Emotional and sad when the wolf/gang violence happens, but the morals it teaches are exellent and portray the changes Timothy goes through well.

I absolutely love the ending. The prodigal son returns and his acceptance back into the Shepherd's fold is incredibly telling of the love and forgiveness our Saviour offers each and every one of us.

Beautiful. Negligible typos and a great job on the editing work. Many revisions, I'll bet. A full 6 stars and my continued backing. I am sure you'll have this published soon. Best of luck Barnard, and keep in touch love.

Ruby.

kingsdaughter wrote 304 days ago

CCRG & CLF Review:

The sheep idea is awesome! The writing is excellent and although I have not read past chapter 1 yet I am looking forward to getting into this book - it is really interesting and original. Not your usual story line and I find it quite refreshing :) Just a little review to say hi, will do my best to get a more indepth and useful one to you soon.

Kerrie Price wrote 298 days ago

CLF Review - Hi Barnard,
I've now read more of the later chapters of your book, and I think it's great for the age group you're targeting. I like the way you write, especially all the subtle phrases which expose exactly the way children think.
It's rather telling how Timothy's mum reacts, when he has been butted by Buster. His parents jump to their own conclusions, without taking time to really hear what happened, or to offer comfort. I like the cute phrases like having 'a late munch', and the 'two-ager' word is rather clever.
The book is quite long for young readers, but would be great for parents to read to their children. Since the major message is the tragic outcome of rebellion and bad decision making, not to mention the horrors of bullying, I think this book should be required reading for grade school children. It would introduce them to the concept of the Good Shepherd, without being overtly Christian.
I see you have reworked your long pitch since I was here last time, and looks really good. Even though the violence is quite graphic, I think you handled it well for the target group. The book is well edited and worthy of publication.

Ron Mitchell wrote 77 days ago

This is a great read for children. You have a good dialogue which captivates the reader, and your writing style promotes indepth thinking which could suggest some analogies going on within the plot. Best of luck. Please know that I appreciate any support you can give December Gold. I look forward to your comments.

Kestrelraptorial wrote 109 days ago

You portray the fear of prey animals very well in this story. I like the image of a sheep wearing a wolf’s skin to try and scare his flock for a bit of fun. I really didn't expect the idea of a were-sheep, but I imagine herbivores may have a whole spectrum of superstitions about predators and where they come from. This was a lot of fun to read.

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 148 days ago

YARG review

I read the first five chapters and really enjoyed - auntie Fleece and Ewellen - love the names, they made me smile.

I like how Johnny makes Timothy feel fearless once he finds the skin, and how easily Timothy believes it. Starting by saying that his friend is cowardly as usual, and then one mention of being 'fearless' doesn't make him think 'well compared to you, yes' - nope - jumped straight into 'Timothy the Fearless who wears wolf skins' - love it.

I like the analogies and the ease with which you write. Sure, i'm reading about a sheep, but who doesn't strive to be something different? and who doesn't get pampered by their mother and ignored by their father?

well done, high stars!

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

evermoore wrote 232 days ago

What a great tale, Barnard! I can see my grandson calling me up to tell me about this great book he's reading, called 'A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing'...and sharing the wit and humor of the characters as well as the lessons he took home from it all. I'm sure he will one day...because I'm sure this will be published soon.

Thanks for the journey...and God bless...Linda
Children Walking With Jesus

Kirstie wrote 233 days ago

CHIRG Review

l really liked the characters Timothy and Jonny. In the first chapter you explain a lot about the story world in an entertaining and natural way through their dialogue.

I think the 'every time a sheep turns up missing' needs rephrasing as 'turn up' and missing' are contradictory.

The hook at the end of chapter 1 is great
Timothy is a wonderful character who I am sure young readers will relate too. Hie mixture of fear and bravado, sensitivity and mischief make him a believable hero.

I liked the friendship between Jonny and Timothy too, even if Timothy does take advantage of Jonny's good nature sometimes.

Chapte Four has a great ending too.

I felt very sorry for Timothy when he is butted by Gainer and Buster. Again I am sure that young readers will relate to his predicament and find something in this story that will help them when they have similar troubles.
I have read to the end of chapter five and think the opening is great. I have got to know the characters well and am looking forward to the adventure really getting going

Best wishes
Kirstie


Tarzan For Real wrote 237 days ago

Barnard this is solid writing for a young adult market.

Descriptive comical phrases interlaced with humor to keep the attention of the often distracted young reader.

Timothy's plight plays so closely in parallel to the original fable yet you add your own twist to it to make the story exceptional.

Great job on editing and you can tell a lot of work went in to polish the story up.

I'll try and find some room in the near future for this on my shelf.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou" & "The Wings of the Seraph"

EllieMcG wrote 238 days ago

A wolf in Sheeps' clothing:

Chapter 5:
Just a note to say how cute this is. I'm five paragraphs in and grinning. No crits yet. :)
Of course, they had to play and gambol... of course they did. So cute. :)

- She DRUG it out of me, Timmy (Drug? Dug?) - might be cute to use a sheepy term for dug (something to do with sniffing around grasses, but I can't think of the word right now)
- took a couple of threatening steps AT him (maybe should be TOWARD him?)
- Dazedly, he realized Buster... I'd make dazedly just dazed (it works as a verb, and it's kind of weird as an adverb)

Chapter 6:
Skipper bleated out pathetically - I'd lose pathetically, just because it doesn't feel like a very nice word.
- Yeah, trouble. That's it Johnny - " it feels a bit weird not hearing a word from Johnny in this line of dialogue and the previous one (LIsten Johnny...) - I think I'd throw in a line in between from Johnny (even just a timid, squeaking, "trouble?")
- I'd like to see maybe just nice, reassuring one line from Timothy after Johnny's "He gets real mean" (Just because there isn't a lot that has us rooting for Timothy so far, and while he should definitely remain flawed, we need a couple nice things to endear us) - maybe just "It's okay, Johnny. I won't let him be mean to you." (Even if it doesn't mean anything. Or something like that).

Chapter 7:
"but SKipper just scowled darkly" - wouldn't he have at least initially been surprised, since he also thought the wolf had eaten Timothy? How about: "but Skipper's surprise was quickly replaced with a dark scowl as he began to suspect that Timothy was up to something." (or something better)
yikes! That's my only crit for you!

Ellie

Lucy Middlemass wrote 238 days ago

This is a return review. I’ve YARGed or CHIRGed it before, so it’s not one of those. There have been some changes since I last read it, I think. It certainly seems rearranged.

I understand that it has a Christian message of some sort, and the Shepherd, the Orthodox sheep and the danger from the wolves all give me a clue to what that message is. It does seem to be aimed at fairly young children - is it sub-text? A metaphor? Would they get it? It’s probably a strength that the message isn’t immediately obvious, and presumably it’s aimed at an audience who would be relatively receptive.

The chapters are fairly long, and for the age range that the story seems to be for, I’d say perhaps a little too long.

You do a good job of differentiating the two young sheep from each other. Timothy and Johnny are consistently different, which considering they are sheep, is something of an achievement.

Chapter One

“After standing first on one leg and then the other…” It’s hard to imagine how a sheep would do this.
“His tone was critical.” I don’t think you need this. It’s there in the words.
“Johnny nodded, trying to be agreeable…” This is a POV switch from one sheep to the other. I don’t know if that matters to you. Some reviewers don’t like them.

Chapter Two

I couldn’t find anything to comment on in this shorter chapter. There seems to be a warning about staying exactly as you are and listening to your parents. Is that right? As many of your other reviewers have noted, this is a very clean MS with no real editing issues.

I’ll return to this, and again during your YALF fortnight.

Lucy

RoyWood wrote 238 days ago

CHIRG

Hi Barnard

When I first looked at the description of the book I wasn't sure about the main characters being sheep. But I was wrong. You capture the nature of sheep very well.

The characters are likeable and Timothy develops well. I was unsure about one paragraph in the first chapter though. In that paragraph he said 'hmmph' which made him feel superior because his parents said it all the time but then the paragraph went on to compare his parents to Orthodox sheep, which he obviously had a low opinion of. It just seemed a bit contradictory.

I think this is a well written piece that obviously has a lot of messages carefully woven into its fabric.

I think it will do well in specialist print but I am not certain it will be picked up by mainstream publishers.

Don't get me wrong - I think it should! But I have been 'informed' by both publishers and agents that children over the age of 7 are not interested (mainstream) in animal character related books. And the children below that age group will not want a book approaching 90,000 words long.

My experience is from writing a trilogy (about 200,000 words total) where the main characters were dogs. I didn't want to accept what the publishers and agents were telling me but now some time later have come to accept it. I can't change their minds so I have to change my book! So I have gone from 200,000 page trilogy aimed at 8+ to a 12,500 word book with illustrations aimed at 6+. And no doubt it still won't go anywhere!

I really do wish you good luck with it. If you get a publisher/agent let me know who it is!!

Cheers
Roy
Ruff and Tumble


Egon R. Tausch wrote 244 days ago

Dear Barnard,

Finally got back to your book, ch's 5-8. Your plot is moving along very well. Your style is, as before, excellent. I especially like how you progress slowly from a minor peccadillo to a sin to bigger sins, showing that each leads to a greater one. And yet you don't explain this, but keep it on the level of a child's discovery, almost subconscious. I tried to do this in my MS, but it didn't work as well. Nevertheless, as a perfectionist I will point out minor glitches or especially good points, in each chapter.

Ch 5:

**** “They stopped again where the waterfall fell off the Upper Meadows, taking a very wayward course home.” – – a bit confusing; at first it seems that the waterfall is going home. Also, I wouldn't use “fell” after “waterfall”, and I would drop the “very”.
**** “He isn't afraid of it or nothing.” – – It's not a good idea to use bad grammar in children's books. Slang and childish wording is all right, but children tend to use the grammar of their parents, however simplified. In the case of a flock of sheep, it would seem that either all would use bad grammar, or none would.
**** “Everyone is watching me. I can't back down now.” – – you put all of Timothy's thoughts in italics – – why not this one?

Ch 6:
**** “'Mutton and cockle burrs! When did this get out of hand,' he wondered?” – – question mark should come after “hand”. Also, perhaps this thought should be in italics. But I like your variety of interjections in sheep-related terms.
**** “I don't want no trouble...” – – bad grammar, again.

Ch 7:
**** “Darn yarn.” – – very good double-entendre, as well as sheep-talk.
**** “transformation” – – I don't remember him having one earlier, or what it was (unless it was putting on the wolf-skin the first time?).
**** “lambikins” – – shouldn't this be “lambkins”?

Ch 8:
**** “...intending to look like a wolf on purpose.” – – a bit redundant.
**** “snuck” – – fine in dialogue, but should be “sneaked” in narrative.

Great work! I am anxious to go on. Bookshelf and 6 stars for now.

Yours in Christ,
Egon

EllieMcG wrote 247 days ago

A sheep in wolf's clothing:
Okay! Here's the first six chapters reviewed. I didn't find any nits in chapter five or six, but I have a few from the first four. 
More generally, I found that this was a super-cute book, and a very easy read. This is very good, as I think it suits your intended audience well. I also think this is a bit didactic, but if I remember my Sunday-school library books, they were too.
My impression overall was that this is definitely hitting the mark in terms of knowing your audience. (I'm reading (and critiquing) this as a children's Christian book - please let me know if that's not your intention, as then I'll probably change my thoughts). I think you've mastered the art of smooth writing, and I think it's engaging, and lacks the subtlety that younger audiences might miss. (that's a good thing). 
Anyway, it's too early to give an overall impression, but it's moving along nicely. My only real "critique" (it's not really, just a suggestion), is that I think your book would go from good to great if there was a little bit more humor in the first two chapters. Just a bit more silliness from Johnny or rambunctious grandiosity from Timothy to really make us chuckle. 
Ok, here's the nits:
Chapter one: 
Everything was just as it always was, and Timothy was totally bored as usual. - I think this sentence would actually be more powerful if you finished it with "totally bored." 

Johnny was taller and thinner, which made him appear gangly - I think the gang lines is implied by taller and thinner, so I'm not sure it's necessary (and also, you haven't described Timothy yet), so in this order, it leaves you at: "taller and thinner than whom?" 

I noticed in the dialogue of chapter one, you started a lot of sentences with "why,..." - I think, at least, you should cut down on this. First, simply to cut down on repetition, but also, because it feels a bit out of touch with kids' actual speech. Anyway, here's some of the spots I noticed (I didn't put down all for fear of being super annoying): 
Why, from here I can see all the way across the Meadows, and watch everything/ Why, they're the most stodgy and old fashioned of all the sheep in the Flock/ Why, I've never even heard of the Shepherd getting annoyed/ Why, listening to Old Wilbur

sounding a lot like Mom - think this should be like Timothy's Mom (otherwise, I kind of feel like ewellen's his sister, and I'm not sure that who she is) 

Chapter 2

He was a little ashamed to be acting so afraid, but too scared to care. - well, he's not too scared to care, if he's feeling ashamed. I think maybe "too scared to hide it" (?)

Timothy worried to himself - this kind of breaks it up. But you also don't need "to himself" as the italics imply it. 

chapter 3:
No bah’d remarks now, son, -  this isn't a crit. I just giggled

but to himself he thought - you don't need "to himself" (as you don't think to anyone else)

Chapter 4:
Oh sheep dip - is really funny. So is woolly-boogers.

Now, can we? - should this be a separate sentence from the previous?

Ok, that's all I've got for now. This is really, really well-edited, so it's hard to find anything to critique!
Ellie

Ruby Red Hummingbird wrote 250 days ago

Hi Barnard.
What a wonderful book this is for mid-grade children! The characters are so natural and mischeviously funny. The way it is written it grabs young readers and talks to them about things that bother them intimately.

The excitement during Timothy's running away and joining the wolves, was exceeded when Johnny joins him and they are both forced to participate in the attack led by Villain on the Sheep in the Meadow! Emotional and sad when the wolf/gang violence happens, but the morals it teaches are exellent and portray the changes Timothy goes through well.

I absolutely love the ending. The prodigal son returns and his acceptance back into the Shepherd's fold is incredibly telling of the love and forgiveness our Saviour offers each and every one of us.

Beautiful. Negligible typos and a great job on the editing work. Many revisions, I'll bet. A full 6 stars and my continued backing. I am sure you'll have this published soon. Best of luck Barnard, and keep in touch love.

Ruby.

faith rose wrote 256 days ago

Dear Barnard,

I just wanted to pop by for another peek at your wonderful book! I am so happy to see how much this has climbed up the ranks since I lasted visited. I really love the conflict facing Timothy throughout this piece. You have handled such an important subject for the tender hearts of middle schoolers. No doubt, we will see this book rise even higher.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

KMac23 wrote 279 days ago

CCRG & CLF Review

I think this creative story had such a great message for children woven into it, that straying or being the prodigal could have deadly results. Timothy was drawn to the excitement, but knew what he was doing was wrong, but found it difficult to back out of after learning the harsh realities of the gang mentality. There were so many biblical truths woven into your chapters, and I loved the descriptive setting!

The typos I found were minor, but I listed what I saw for you to check out and do with what you may.

Ch. 6
“We said we’d meet to go see that wolf-thing(,)” Ewellen excitedly responded.
Ch. 11
In the middle of this chapter, you have the pounds signs twice. # # I don’t know if this was intentional or not.
Ch. 17
“…You were awesomc at howling(,)” (s)he said flirtatiously…”
Ch. 26 Juan was staring at the trail in. (this didn’t make sense to me)
Ch. 33 The pack grew silent slowly until it was deathly still. Maybe instead… The pack grew silent until deathly still.
Ch. 39
The paragraph that begins, The rest of the trip… has the word, ‘just’ in it three times.

I enjoyed your story very much, and think this would be very worthwhile for children!

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Dianna Lanser wrote 281 days ago

CLF Review Chapter 7-9

Hi Barnard,

This story is wonderfully written - entertaining while teaching. Kids of all ages will “get” the message you are conveying an may even see themselves in the real-to-life personalities of each of your characters.

Here’s some notes as I read.

Chapter seven - You show the slippery slope of sin so well in this chapter - how easily we deceive ourselves and rationalize our sin.

Chapter eight - “They’re running to find the Shepherd!…” and “How could I forget about the Shepherd?” I love this scene and this allegory - all too telling of the affects of sin - the gap between the Shepherd and Timothy gets bigger and bigger.

Eulabelle Ramsey - love the name!

Chapter nine - The descent gets steeper as Timothy alienates himself from his friends and family and “thinks” he just might identify better with wolves. If only he’d find his significance in the Shepherd…

“but he felt strangely lonely” could it be said strangely alone? The two “lys” sound strangely awkwardly together.

“He thought he’d try out his thoughts of becoming a wolf on Jonny (Johnny).”

I’ll be back to read more. I’m still impressed!

Dianna

Chancelet wrote 284 days ago

Christian Lit review: “Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing”

Chapter 4. I love your language, the sheepanese, you use. I will suggest that when someone is thinking to themselves that you use italics instead of quotes, to differentiate between thoughts and dialogue. You do start doing that in chapter 4, but there are a few places that you didn’t.

Read through chapter 5 today. Still love this story, with its great mix of emotions of the young MC.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://www.authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

HGridley wrote 288 days ago

Christian Lit critique
(I submitted this once, but it doesn't look like it showed up, so I'm doing it again.)
I’m sorry I’m a week late at critiquing. I love your story! I hope the rest of the book is just as much a delight as this beginning. It made me smile! I love the sheep-speak, the cute words that are like our terms, only turned into sheep talk. The story is absorbing and interesting.
Only one content thing really jumped out at me. Timothy says Darn a lot. I know lots of people don’t have a problem with it, but lots do, and some publishers still don’t allow it. It might be easier to just substitute something, unless you’re going to use it as evidence of his rebellion.
I’ve jotted down some grammatical notes as I read, so I’m attaching them at the end here.
I wish you all the best with this delightful story! And I’m in awe of how you came up with all the cute details. My imagination isn’t that good!
~Hannah

Chapter 1: “The Meadow’s are…” no apostrophe
“Ha! Timothy scoffed…” add quotation marks after “Ha!”
“Everything bad that has ever happened…” add ending quotations here.
“Wait up. No fair…” the comma should be inside the quotation marks after this sentence.

Chapter 2: Some sort of error happened here and it wouldn’t load, so I’m skipping to chapter 3.

Chapter 3: “There…on the high grassy hill…” add a comma after “hill”
“ ‘Shepherd?’ He called out…” called out is closely related to the quotation, not independent, so don’t capitalize the ‘he’.
“Oh, mutton” Classic! Great phrase.
“There has got to be plenty of rams…” should be “there have”
“Are you alright” spell out into two words: all right.
“Yeah, he said seeing…” Put the comma within the quotation marks. Also, add a comma after “said”.
“he said still maintaining…” add a comma after “said”
“they chafe my wool…” I love the idea of that! How DO you come up with such catchy terms??? :)
“Hummph, Timothy thought…” Add quotation marks after Hummph.

Chapter 4: In this chapter, you have Timothy’s thoughts in italics. I personally like the italics; publishers have varying opinions, but it should be consistent throughout.
“Timothy began a little uncertain of his last friend…” I’m a little uncertain of this phrase without a comma after “began”
“Cockle burrs!” another great term
“We’ll show them…” again, your comma has strayed outside the quotations.
“laughed Johnny inspired…” It seems there are a lot of sentences of this type of construction in your writing. Without the comma, they really could mean something completely different. You need to add a comma after “Johnny”, so your readers know you’re changing thoughts.

Chancelet wrote 289 days ago

Christian Lit review:

There’s a bit of editing that could be done, but I’m not going to worry about that. This such a simple, cute story that is hard to stop reading. I love how you develop Timothy’s rebellious character in the story: a young know-it-all who’s as scared and dependent as Johnny. Makes you not help but compare his character to a preteens in our lives, who are just like baby lambs.

Your 1st chapter is great, up to the end. The description of their playing and frolicking is so funny, then the wolves. Good job.

I will say you should spell out ‘okay.’ Great chapter 2. You end the chapters well, making us want to continue.

Poor, Timothy. Despite everything, you feel bad for him when all the lambs laugh at him! The personification of these lambs is done so well. And the Shepherd as a God figure is terrific. I’ve read through chapter three. The only minor suggestion I have is in the paragraph where Timothy is talking to himself about how the High Meadow is nothing new. That paragraph is a bit repetitive and could be rephrased to get across that he’s really trying to convince himself that he doesn’t want to go anymore, instead of accepting that he’s obeying his parents. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, I love this story. High ranking.

I do question why you rank it as moderate instead of universal?

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://www.authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

AudreyB wrote 293 days ago

I’m very sorry to be late with this CLF review, Barnard. I have no excuse.

I’m going to start at the beginning because other reviewers have noted that you made lots of changes.

First paragraph—what would you think of deleting “..was bored as usual. He…” Then your final sentence in the first para is much stronger.

“Ha! I know everything…” you’ve got a meadow’s with an apostrophe.

“You cheated, you cheated, you might as well have bleated.” This is adorable. I can imagine reading this to a 4 or 5 or 6 year old and hearing lots of giggles.

I like the sense of suspense at the end of each chapter. I don’t remember exactly what the story was like before, but my feeling is that you have made the interactions among the young sheep more complex and developed their characters further. The story is much more multi-dimensional than I remember.

Oh, mutton. So clever.

I like how you offer a scene with all the two-agers that shows the danger of the wolves and allows us to see that they understand how dangerous the wolves are. Then when Timothy goes home and talks with our parents, we have a pretty full understanding of the world of these sheep.

Well, I couldn’t exactly stop at the end of chapter 4, now, could I?

Good work, Barnard!
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Christine May wrote 296 days ago

A touching story, I love the way you play on words, like:" Sheep dip".
Finished chapter four.
will read on.
christine

Dianna Lanser wrote 296 days ago

CLF Review A Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing Chapters 1 - 6

Wow Barnard, this is not the same book I read months ago! You have really changed this up. I loved your first version so wrapping my arms around this new version is like hugging a friendly stranger. With that, I’m going to wrap this review in lots of praise. The concept of this story is obviously inspired by the Spirit and you have done an incredible job listening to His voice and writing it all down. This story teaches a beautiful lesson that everyone can relate to - we all stray at one time or another from the Truth and the Good Shepherd.

Your young furry characters are very easy to relate to and I believe your target audience will find them especially authentic. The writing and the story in itself is entertaining and professional enough to fit a broad audience - adults as well as the pre-teen set. The humor and puns are fantastic.

Now to share a couple amateur opinions - please take them as such.

As this new version stands I found myself not fully committed to Timothy because he came off a bit arrogant - especially toward his parents. If that is your intention that is perfectly fine because I understand the timeless lesson he learns at the end. However, if you want your audience to love Timothy and care for him right from the beginning then you might what to down play his attitude and play up the bullying or portray an unfair restrictive home situation (an uninvolved parent due to sickness…) What if Timothy is compelled to do something totally out of character because the situation truly demands drastic measures? I could really feel compassion for him then. (I do want to note that the bullying in chapter three did work really well to set up the reason for Timothy’s deception that comes later on. Maybe just play it up a little more.)

Another observation I’d like to make, because I’m making the same edits to my book, is to make sure each chapter ends with a little cliffhanger instead of a resolution. This will keep the reader moving forward. I thought chapter three and five could benefit from a little “page-turner.”

With that being said, you have done a wonderful job addressing some very relevant issues that face young people and old people alike. I enjoyed everything I read so far and was truly impressed by the changes you have made. They definitely give more depth to the story and to the characters as well. I wish I had six more stars to give you. I’ll hit the button just in case it helps (who knows) I’ll will be back and try to address some of the things you were specifically looking for feedback on ( like the love relationship and the length and the ending) By the way, I liked the length of your chapters. I must be a kid at heart because I like short chapters too.

Dianna Lanser

Here’s some notes I made along the way.
Chapter one -

“After standing on first one leg…” Would it be better to say: “After standing first on one leg…”?

Chapter two - lots of exciting action!

‘He scowled. Ewellyn was always correcting him.‘ I think this should belong in the paragraph after where its at now.

Chapter three - I like the reference to the bread in the wine. The “Oh God“ seemed out of place though.

“He stuck his head inside, curiosity battling with his respect for the shepherd, and fear of getting caught.” The comma between “shepherd” and “and” makes the sentence read a little awkward. I don’t think you need it.

Also, I wonder if the impact of this sentence would be smoother if it were put in the paragraph preceding it and if it could read something like this: ‘But seeing Skipper’s hesitancy, he added, “Yeah, why don’t we go back and I’ll prove it.”

Chapter four - “Oh sheep dip” and “darn Johnny’s wool” - very clever expressions!

I think you might want double punctuation (adding a question mark) after Ewellen goes off with Skipper. “Me?!“ Timothy exclaimed. Then, calling after her…”

“Darn,” Timothy thought. (This is a thought but he also spoke it, is that what you want to say?)

“Oh, we have such a great new thing to (show) all our friends.”

Chapter five -

‘Timothy licked his lips thinking, “Now, I’ll tell them about the wolf skin.” You don’t need quotes around Timothy’s thoughts.

Chapter six -
You have done a great job keeping the story in Timothy’s point of view. In chapter one there was a little head-hopping between Timothy and Johnny’s viewpoint and the only other time it has happened again was in this sentence in chapter six. “Shaking and stuttering, he wasn’t sure if the horrible skin had just eaten Timmy or not either.”

James Workman wrote 297 days ago

CLF review--Barnard--I didn't have time to read it all, but I found the chapter where Timmm meets the group of four and I read the conclusion. It's all really good. Even with being fifty years past your target audience, I was hooked.

The only thing I question is the odd spelling of words in the wolf dialog. I get the idea of their having some dialect, but weird spellings when the words are normal threw me a bit.

Let the forums know when you want to try a big push and I'll put you on my shelf. For now it is five stars.

Best wishes,

Jim

Kerrie Price wrote 298 days ago

CLF Review - Hi Barnard,
I've now read more of the later chapters of your book, and I think it's great for the age group you're targeting. I like the way you write, especially all the subtle phrases which expose exactly the way children think.
It's rather telling how Timothy's mum reacts, when he has been butted by Buster. His parents jump to their own conclusions, without taking time to really hear what happened, or to offer comfort. I like the cute phrases like having 'a late munch', and the 'two-ager' word is rather clever.
The book is quite long for young readers, but would be great for parents to read to their children. Since the major message is the tragic outcome of rebellion and bad decision making, not to mention the horrors of bullying, I think this book should be required reading for grade school children. It would introduce them to the concept of the Good Shepherd, without being overtly Christian.
I see you have reworked your long pitch since I was here last time, and looks really good. Even though the violence is quite graphic, I think you handled it well for the target group. The book is well edited and worthy of publication.

Lacydeane wrote 299 days ago

This is a very good, well written story. Just finished chapter one and will certainly continue on. I like that it is written for a younger audience, yet the writing is done so well, even as an adult, I am compelled to read farther. You are definitely a talented and creative writer. I did not see any typos or grammer problems at all. Great job. Lacy

Christine May wrote 299 days ago

Read chapter two, it is getting exciting, will see how Timothy progresses.
christine

Charlotte12 wrote 299 days ago

YALF REVIEW:

Hi Barnard,
So I have come to take another look at Sheep, since I heard you have been working on it recently. I have read the first three chapters, and have included some thoughts below. But right off, I have to say that I can see you have tightened up the MS a lot, as there is a better flow, almost no errors, and less repetition, which I think were some of the things I had mentioned after my first read months ago. I also think the chapters are a little shorter, which I think works better for the age group you are targeting.

I like the way you have characterized Timothy. He is brash, immature, and insecure, and really, he’s a nice representation of a tweener or teenager. The only thing I might suggest is to be careful of overdoing his negative attitude, as by the time I reached chapter 3, I was beginning to lose patience with him, or more specifically, losing empathy for him. If that is what you intended, then that’s fine. If not, I might suggest making him less judgemental in favour of maybe him questioning or doubting the rules and the world he sees around him.

A few other points, all of which are only suggestions for further reflection: in chapter 1, paragraph one, you begin with Timothy being bored and also end the paragraph with him being bored. I am not sure if that was purposely done or just an oversight.

Also, there are a few times where I felt you added words when they weren’t necessary. Like, ‘gangly or lanky’ and ‘bleating heart and issues.’ I think in either case, you could just use one and your point would still be clear.

By chapter 2, I began to notice that Timothy tells us everything he is thinking, either by a direct thought or a direct statement. I realize the book is targeted for a younger audience, but perhaps you could build a little subtly into the story by showing a little more rather than tell us everything outright.

I am glad I took another look at your book. It has been a while, but I believe I can see where you have taken the storytelling to a new level. I am very happy for you and for your book!

Best regards,
Dyane
The Purple Morrow

PTingen wrote 300 days ago

Finished up with the last chapters. Sweet ending! :-) Picked out a few more typos for you. I think the relationship between Timothy and Honey worked as far as the ending. Really nice scene wiht the Shepherd too. All the best!!

Patti

Ch. 41 - "murmered an affirmative though." Not sure what that means.
Snarling the one-eyed Villain.. Add a comma after snarling.

Ch. 42 - what wood - should be would?

Ch. 43 - Looking up the Shepherd smiled widely. Add a comma after looking.

Bart Jahn wrote 301 days ago

Hello Barnard...this is my CLF review.

To echo many of the comments, this is a brilliantly creative story...imaginatively conceived and well written.

For this review, I read chapters 1-13, 23-25, and 33-45 as you requested in your CLF bio...which I enjoyed reading, by the way.

I lack a formal English studies background (which I regret), but as an average adult reader I had a real sense of trepidation each time I began a series of chapters 1-13, thinking what trouble will Timothy Sheep get himself and his friends into next. My insides ached a little for his struggles. Chapters 23-25 were not too graphically violent for younger readers in my opinion. Chapters 33-45 were a good blend of suspense, character growth, very insightful discussion of the issues regarding wolves and sheep in our world, the introduction of the Shepherd, and a positive resolution to the story that touched me...am getting soft and more emotional as I get older...or it was the Holy Spirit!

Don't know about length...sometimes being unconventional can work in our favor. A helpful guide for the right frame of mind in cutting the story might be DVD movie special features of deleted scenes with the director's comments where they discuss how difficult it was to cut out certain scenes to get down to a two-hour movie. I did not see any flat or slow spots in the narrative in the chapters I read...the plot moved along nicely. But I am sure you already know what you would cut if you had to. Might be a lot of parents out there who are looking for a longer length quality book to read to their children, or to engage their grade-schoolers.

Have mixed feelings about the Bible verses at the beginning of each chapter. JRR Tolkien was a Christian and apparently a friend of CS Lewis, but no one knows this today. I don't think it would have hurt the Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings to have a Bible verse at the beginning of each book, at the very least. Hundreds of millions of readers would then know that Tolkien was a Christian and respected the Bible, and who knows if this could have influenced slightly our present-day very cynical culture in a more positive way? I think kids reading your book would see the Bible verses, make a mental note of this, and then dive into each chapter. If you feel strongly about this, hold your ground on this issue.

I might reconsider the use of "pissed-off" in chapter 35.

I think this CLF and general comments feature of Authonomy has really been helpful for your book. Several commentors have offered invaluable advice and suggestions, which I gather from the comments as they progress in time that you have integrated into newer revisions.

Better stop here. You have a wonderful book. Incredibly unique with imaginative story and characters. I enjoyed it immensely.

I don't understand the ranking of 2273. This is really a superb book. Maybe you should consider also branching out to the young adult writer's groups as well as the Christian genre group...I think they would love it as well, and you would probably pick up the backing you need to get down in the low double digits that this book deserves. But I also think this book is very publishable...if you have not already, you might think about submitting it now in its polished form to publishers. I personally would not wait on this Authonomy ranking system and the ED review. The novelty of the story and its excellent writing is the hook that would interest an acquisitions editor. Just my opinion for what its worth...but admittedly I am not familiar with this young adults publishing genre and how competitive it undoubtedly is.

A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing is on my watchlist with 6 stars, and will look for every opportunity to place it on my bookshelf in the future. God bless you. Bart Jahn

faith rose wrote 301 days ago

Dear Barnard,

I'm so sorry it took me far too long to revisit your wonderful book for the CLF. "A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing" is truly a marvelous piece, perfectly suited for middle grades as you suggest. As a former middle school teacher (and current parent of this age group), I would love to have a book such as this to begin a relevant, vital discussion. Lying, bullying, the peer group, making choices, and of course, The Shepherd all bring together a wonderfully inspiring read sure to touch and help direct the lives of young people.

Timothy sheep captures the feeling of kids this age perfectly (ie: "trying to look indifferent and cool" and "was totally bored"). The perspective of Timothy sheep is highly engaging and empathetic to the reader. The line: "Following the shepherd is too restrictive" truly sums up the conflicted priorities and internal struggles so many can identify with.

I love your word choice as well. You seem to have just the right vocabulary for this age group... enough to challenge the reader, but not at all overly done (ie: "flailed," "droned," "invincible," and "whimpering").

Your touches of humor at just the right times is also perfect! For example: "Oh mutton!" :) The character names also add a touch of light-heartedness to the story... "Ewellen" and "Auntie Fleece," etc.

I'm checking your stars and making sure I have given you 6! This is a wonderful piece. It is definitely one that I would love to have on our own family bookshelf at home.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

James Workman wrote 302 days ago

CLF update--I've read through 8 and continue to enjoy it.

Great lines: A friend "looking a little more sheepish than usual."

Discovering himself to be standing on the wolf-skin: "Wolves can't be this flat."

Christine May wrote 302 days ago

Just started, look forward to reading where this leads, I love Allegory.
Good job!
Christine

Grey Muir wrote 303 days ago

Here's my CLF Review of "A Sheep In Wolf's Clothing.

Allegory is an extremely difficult art form, which is why it is dying out. What a shame. The last one I read was “Watership Down” (about rabbits) and it was for adults, with fewer Christian undertones. I should admit that I usually can't judge childrens' books, but this one is very well-written. I wouldn't bill it for “Young Adults”, as it is far better for pre-teens. Your choice of proper names is excellent (except in the case of “Heeza”, which is neither English nor relating to sheep). Your puns are great, and the thoughts and actions can, with imagination, be attributed to sheep, despite their necessarily limited experiences and world views. The Christ figure is obviously the Shepherd (which does, unfortunately, jar us back into the real world when a sheep uses “Oh, God” as an interjection). I give it 5 stars for now, and perhaps 6 and a shelf when I get it finished. Nevertheless, I will list a few early nitpicks, in case they will help you polish it a bit more for editors, if you look out for such things in the rest of the book.

Ch 1:
---- “straight laced” – – I think this should be “strait-laced”.
---- “ram-bunctious” – – even children will get the pun if you spell it properly: rambunctious.
---- You use “pick on” three time in 6 lines.

Ch 2:
---- Your first line is an almost verbatim repetition of your last line in the previous chapter.
---- You use “stags” and “deer” as if they are mutually exclusive. They are not.

Ch 3:
---- You use “mutton” both as an interjection and a description of older sheep. I would change one.
---- At the end of this chapter you again use “picking on” twice in 3 lines. Timothy has usually shown himself too articulate to do this.

Ch 4:
---- “I wasn't making it up or nothing.” – – Slang is okay, but bad grammar sets a bad example for children, and is unnecessary.
---- “...that his remark about the wolf 'can't catch us both'.” – – Should be re-written.

Wonderful that you can get so much plot and action and characterization out of such placid beings (even though Jesus referred to us all as His sheep).

Yours in Christ,
Egon R. Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents


Posted: 24/07/2012 01:18:33
Last Edit: 24/07/2012 01:22:34 by Egon R. Tausch

PTingen wrote 303 days ago

Here are a few more typos. I like the interaction between Timothy and Honey. Especially liked the part in ch. 40 where Honey talked about wanting to be a sheep. Nice twist!

ch. 38 - "studying a small bunch of spring" - not sure what that means. "I've taken great and care" - should "and" be deleted?
ch. 40 - "straight p the mountain" - should be up?


PTingen wrote 304 days ago

Barnard,

I believe I had read ch. 33 and 34 before so I started at 35 for now. I think "fir" should be "fur"? Wow - what a powerful representation of Peter denying Christ! Really well done!!
Also enjoyed 36 and 37. Looking forward to seeing how the story ends.

All the best!

Patti

Egon R. Tausch wrote 304 days ago

CLF & CCRG Review
Dear Mr. Cullen,

Allegory is an extremely difficult art form, which is why it is dying out. What a shame. The last one I read was “Watership Down” (about rabbits) and it was for adults, with fewer Christian undertones. I should admit that I usually can't judge childrens' books, but this one is very well-written. I wouldn't bill it for “Young Adults”, as it is far better for pre-teens. Your choice of proper names is excellent (except in the case of “Heeza”, which is neither English nor relating to sheep). Your puns are great, and the thoughts and actions can, with imagination, be attributed to sheep, despite their necessarily limited experiences and world views. The Christ figure is obviously the Shepherd (which does, unfortunately, jar us back into the real world when a sheep uses “Oh, God” as an interjection). I give it 5 stars for now, and perhaps 6 and a shelf when I get it finished. Nevertheless, I will list a few early nitpicks, in case they will help you polish it a bit more for editors, if you look out for such things in the rest of the book.

Ch 1:
---- “straight laced” – – I think this should be “strait-laced”.
---- “ram-bunctious” – – even children will get the pun if you spell it properly: rambunctious.
---- You use “pick on” three time in 6 lines.

Ch 2:
---- Your first line is an almost verbatim repetition of your last line in the previous chapter.
---- You use “stags” and “deer” as if they are mutually exclusive. They are not.

Ch 3:
---- You use “mutton” both as an interjection and a description of older sheep. I would change one.
---- At the end of this chapter you again use “picking on” twice in 3 lines. Timothy has usually shown himself too articulate to do this.

Ch 4:
---- “I wasn't making it up or nothing.” – – Slang is okay, but bad grammar sets a bad example for children, and is unnecessary.
---- “...that his remark about the wolf 'can't catch us both'.” – – Should be re-written.

Wonderful that you can get so much plot and action and characterization out of such placid beings (even though Jesus referred to us all as His sheep).

Yours in Christ,
Egon R. Tausch
A Voice In Rama: A Novel of the Slaughter of the Innocents

Please take a look at my MS, if you can.

kingsdaughter wrote 304 days ago

CCRG & CLF Review:

The sheep idea is awesome! The writing is excellent and although I have not read past chapter 1 yet I am looking forward to getting into this book - it is really interesting and original. Not your usual story line and I find it quite refreshing :) Just a little review to say hi, will do my best to get a more indepth and useful one to you soon.

Grey Muir wrote 304 days ago

Re-revised 1 through 5 and 19 & 20. I am removing the Bible quotes and editing back in a few italicized thoughts.

Thanks for your comments. Please keep them coming.

James Workman wrote 304 days ago

Barnard--I've read 2 and 3 for CLF and continue to enjoy the story. I need to start before midnight so I can read longer. I have one question: knowing your audience's age range, is it possible that the designation "Orthodox sheep" might be lost on them? Are there going to be any unorthodox sheep besides Timothy? What are you trying to indicate with "orthodox"?

I'll be back again.

Jim

PTingen wrote 306 days ago

Barnard,

I jumped back in at ch. 19. One thing I noticed was that I think your point of view changes. For example, in the 2nd paragraph, it starts out in the 3rd person, but then jumps to 1st person with Timothy's thoughts. I am far from an expert on this, but it seemed confusing to me. I'm not sure if you put Timothy's thoughts in quotes if that would work better, but I noticed that it jumped back and forth like that at different points in the chapter.

Also noticed what I think are errors with quotes and capitalization. Should 'The incredulous one asked again' be a small t because it's part of the previous sentence? The next sentence seems to be the opposite. I think your quote should end with a period rather than a comma and then the next sentence start with a capital letter because it can stand alone as its own sentence.

Ch. 20 - I think stand offish should be one word. Also think "Where are you headed?" should end with a question mark and Timothy asked end with a period.

These are all obviously things that an editor can easily fix. But sometimes I get distracted by these types of errors and it takes away from the wonderful story that someone has written. Just my thoughts, but if you know someone who can help polish it up for you, I think that will help your overall presentation.

"Do I still smell strange too?" is in italics. That seems perfect for the point of view issue!

All of that aside, this continues to be an extremely creative story! It's very clever and the spiritual parallels and lessons built into the story are wonderful.

PTingen wrote 307 days ago

CLF review - I love this book! I read some of it awhile back and am happy to take another look. The creative phrases like "Oh Lambskin" are just priceless! I like that you switched around the first 2 chapters. I think that works better. I also agree that it would probably be better to take out the scripture verses. Continued high stars and I look forward to reading more over the next week.

Blessings!

Patti

James Workman wrote 308 days ago

A CLF review: Barnard--First off the title is, to use an overused word, brilliant. It's so evocative to me that it almost tells a story by itself.

I read the first chapter and enjoyed it. I could sense the audience you are writing for and think you have your style right.

It's late here and I have to turn in, but I'll be back.

James Workman
Christopher Hitchens At Heaven--Atheist Meets Jesus
authonomy.com/books/41994/christopher-hitchens-at-heaven-atheist-meets-jesus/

Patricia Laster wrote 311 days ago

Dear Barnard: I remember reading "A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing" approximately two months ago, but I thought I'd give it a second reading for the CLF review. Wow, you have either done a lot of work and editing on it or I'm in a really receptive mood to your story this morning. I remember thinking it was a very unique and worth-while book the first time I read it, but I enjoyed it even more with this reading.

The first time I read it, I left you comments suggesting:
1. that you hone in on an older age group than pre-school and early-school children and you are now directing your book to middle-school children which I think is very appropriate as this involves some real violence which is very appropriate for your story but with which younger children might have a difficult time. Also, your vocabulary and the length of your book suggested it would be more appropriate for middle-school children.

2. that you break up your paragraphs and subsitute a lot more dialogue. You seem to have done a really good job of this! Your paragraphs are such a nice length now that, as a reader, I just breezed through them - making the pace of the story a lot faster. The dialogue, too, keeps the story well paced and far more exciting.

Barnard, I've a real tendency to get so caught up in a story (if it's a good one) that I'm blind to grammatical and punctuation errors. I really love to read, and before I came on Authonomy, I was averaging a published book a day - I gulp down books rather than analyze them. This probably comes from the fact that I have always had to depend on "captioning" (I'm deaf) with television and movies. Anyway, I just do not see the typos, etc. ... and to make myself slow down enough to catch those would seriously impair my enjoyment of a book, so I choose to just continue to "gulp"....smile. The disadvantage of this, however, is that I'm not able to offer you any corrections in this area.

But I can tell you about the overall book from the point of view of a reader, and this is an excellent book as far as I've read. I'll be honest, seeing 45 chapters was a bit discouraging to doing a full read (as I usually do) for a review, though, and I wonder if it would be a hindrance to an editor or a child picking up the book to read? Are you sure you don't have two books in one here? Seriously, I kinda felt like when I read your book the first time, that you might have the makings of more than one book. Hey, here's an idea: perhaps you could turn this one book into a trilogy? What do you think? I've not taught middle-school, but don't they like trilogies??? (Perhaps some of the other reviewers such as Audrey can help you out here).

Anyhoo, Barnard, you are a talented writer and, whatever you do, I sincerely hope you don't give up on your writing. I'm not a novelist, but it is a "gift" that I've found most authors have who become published and well-known and that is they work "magic" in their books: they are able to mesmerize their readers so that the reader totally leaves his/her reality, while reading, and enters the imagination of the story. You have that gift. And you have my best wishes for your success in the publishing world. Blessings, Pat

David Olawoyin wrote 311 days ago

A Christian Lit forum Review:
A comparison with George Orwel’s Animal Farm – a book I really love and I cite in my own work – is inevitable. Yours is a book I would definitely like to have in my library, not the least for its creative and brilliant approach to teaching an imperative lesson. I am really sorry that, for obvious reasons, I would not be able to read through at this time to discover the full details and exactly how it plays out. But I suppose that this is the type of books that some are telling us they’d like to see coming from Christian writers. No doubt they have their place, and a strong one at that.
You indeed have a frontline premise and have done a good job of pitching it, and I expect your book to go a long way. You writing is good, lucid and crisp. You have an apt and engaging voice, your imagery is good, and your dialogue is effective. Your level of vocabulary is also…hmmm…not too high for your target audience. And, yes, there’s good humour in your work, at least for those who have a eye (or ear) for it.
However, I must be frank to add – from a literary and market perspective – that the Scripture quotations you have at the beginning of each chapter of your “fiction” work may end up working against its uniqueness and promise, especially its potential to appeal to a much broader audience. I guess recent feelers support this. Let your book speak for itself. Let the readers discover the message. And if you just can’t let those quotations go, I would suggest that you get even more creative and weave them into the body of your book. Think of creating a special character for that purpose. Just look at how Orwel superbly crafted Animal Farm without overtly citing Lenin, Stalin, or their rivals. Yet his message has not been lost on us. Alternatively, you could think of a short study companion as an addendum to the book.
There are also a few aspects of your work that you need to work on. There are some subtle issues you should watch out for and iron out. Let’s consider a few examples. In chap. 1, you write: “Johnny was taller than he was, but he was also thin and lanky.” That might be okay, but my “forensic” eye could not help flagging the fact that “thin and lanky” is a technical tautology, especially considering that you had already alluded to tallness. Lanky of course means “thin and tall.” An adjustment would require a restructuring of the sentence. Also, not farther on, in par. 5 to be exact, Timothy is supposed to be talking, yet you say “Timothy figured.” Hope I am not missing something. If you mean something else, you might want to do some tinkering to make such evident.
On the whole, you have a very promising work, one I would indeed like to come around to backing. Thanks very much for this offering. Many blessings and best wishes.

wordworker wrote 316 days ago

Bernard ~ I want to give you this overall comment on your book at this stage because I have so much to catch up on I may not get back to work on yours for quite a while. Even so, you deserve the six stars I gave you for your marvelous allegory for young people.
The story captures the eye and the temptations Timothy deals with can easily draw the young reader along. I've read enough to know that this book's plot, story line and message are all impressive. The conversations are logical and the development of characters is impressive.
All I have to say is "keep on polishing! You have a treasure here!"
Joyce

wordworker wrote 318 days ago

Chapter 4 para starting: "Timothy gritted his teeth ..." You have an extra quote mark in the middle of your quote.

Grey Muir wrote 318 days ago

New revision. First 9 chapters have been uploaded. These 9 are actually the first 6 restructured into shorter chapters for middle-grade readers.

For past readers, chapter 1 and 2 were swapped to avoid confusion on what had been a flashback.

Most of the revisions are to eliminate the italicized font when the character is thinking. Much of this was changed into either conversation or action. This was to make it easier for younger readers to follow the story and to reduce the amount of self-introspection the main character goes through. Please comment on this if you have read the prior version. I am not sure if it is as helpful as I hoped.

Some larger words were simplified to reduce the reading level, again for younger readers.

Hope you like the revisions. Thanks for reading.


wordworker wrote 323 days ago

Ch. 2 first para last sentence: "...a long ways across ..." should be "way". When speaking the phrase is often quoted as "a long ways" but written, the phrase is properly singular.
Para starting, "I don't know, maybe they are ..." you've got an extra quotation mark at the end of the para.

wordworker wrote 323 days ago

Great start. Your mechanics seem to be well done and the story draws one in to read more. I'll be reading further before bedtime tonight.
Please keep in mind that my background is in mechanics since I have been a proofreader and newspaper reporter so most of my comments will be in that vein. I also make many comments as I go along, and submit them chapter by chapter.
If you haven't I Hope you can take a look at my work, "Slave to Grace". I think you'll like it. http://www.authonomy.com/books/38737/slave-to-grace/
Joyce

DoninMich wrote 324 days ago

Barnard,

this is a wonderfully written story. It brings the sheep to live in by adding Human characterization to the sheep and wolves. It is great for young readers and adults. It shows the problems of young and old in relationships. Timothy is dissatisfied with his sheep-world. So he goes off to become a wolf, which seems more free. The story talks about dissatified with our own world and try to change to some other world. We all face that at some time. In the Christian world people can get bored and want to change things. This leads to many problems like Timothy.

It does us all good to read this story and pay attention to the message it holds. It shows how we react to our station in life and want to change it only to end up in trouble. We need to learn the lesson this book provides.

Don R. Budd

kokako wrote 337 days ago

YARG

Hi Barnard,

I’ve read the first four chapters of ‘A Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing’. It’s a beautifully crafted, fun story with a good pace and I enjoyed it very much.

Below are just a few notes I made as I went. They’re all just my opinion, so use what you like and toss the rest.

Ch 1

1) I love the quote.

2) Excellent start.

3) ‘They eat sheep and there were…’
This is in italics as though it’s a thought, and it starts off in the present tense, as though it’s a thought, but then it changes to the past tense. Maybe keep it all in the present, so it stays as Timothy’s thought? ie ‘They eat sheep, and there are always a few of us that go missing. Everyone knows the wolves will eat you if you don’t stay close to the Flock, safe in the Meadows with the Shepherd. Straying can be fatal.’

4) I love the religious associations you slip in, with shepherds and flocks and so forth. Very clever.

5) ‘Timothy wasn’t sure how his dad knew, but he figured he had to know.’
The ‘know’ here is confusing (and repetitious) given the ‘knew’. Do you mean, ‘Timothy wasn’t sure how his dad knew, but he figured he had to be right.’?

6) ‘flailed at this newcomer’
‘this’ might read better as ‘the’

7) ‘Johnny moaned’
comma after ‘Johnny’

8) Great first chapter. It gives real insight into Timothy’s character and lots of clever background about the society of the sheep and the greater world around them – especially the wolves.

Ch 2

1) ‘ “Yeah,” he answered bluntly’
I thought that this meant he was agreeing with Johnny that he was kidding. Maybe he should say something like, “Quiet. I’m counting.” to make it obvious that he intends to keep the charade going.

2) ‘are there?” He asked’
small ‘h’ for ‘He’

3) ‘on the baby lamb’s tails’
should be ‘on the baby lambs’ tails’ (unless it’s a baby lamb with lots of tails).

4) ‘Meadows, after all, he was’
full-stop after ‘Meadows’

5) ‘seen real wolves before lots of time… uh, well once anyway, from a distance’
But they both just saw some up close in chapter one – just 100 yards away.

6) ‘anything,” he tried to imagine’
should be ‘anything.” He tried to imagine’

7) ‘Timothy said us, but he was convinced…’
You probably don’t need this sentence as that point comes through in what he says.

8) Didn’t his mother ban him from going near the High Meadow? Yet here he is going to Big Rock Point, which is beyond it, isn’t it? Maybe Ewellen or someone could say something about him not being able to go there as he races past and he can call back that he’s not a scaredy-lamb, but she can be if she wants… or something.

Ch 3

1) Okay. I think I’m a bit confused. Was Chapter 2 a flash-back? That’s not totally clear – possibly partly because his mother banned him from the High Meadow and it’s easy to assume that’s because they saw wolves near there (well, it was easy for me to assume it, anyway).

2) ‘Ewellen added in’
‘in’ isn’t necessary.

3) ‘ “…just in case,” he said still maintaining his doubt.’
I’m not quite sure who’s speaking here, or what they’re referring to. Just in case of what? The last thing said was Johnny saying ‘Won’t he kill us?’. ‘...just in case' would only make sense if it’s Timothy speaking, but then the bit about ‘still maintaining his doubt’ makes no sense - Timothy has no doubt. He knows there was a wolf there - so I’m assuming it’s one of the others, but I can’t think why they would say this.

4) ‘Auntie Fleece’
I love the names you use.

5) ‘After more arguing and’
This should be a new paragraph.

6) ‘to hurry home, “with that Timothy’
should be ‘to hurry home.” With that Timothy’ (there are three changes here)

7) ‘or that even been there’
should be ‘or that he’d even been there’

8) Great chapter ending.

Ch 4

1) ‘high stepping’
make it ‘high-stepping’

2) ‘he’d last saw it’
‘saw’ should be ‘seen’


What a fun story. I love the characters, the dialogue and the plot. They’re all beautifully conceived. Given the vocabulary and theme, I would suggest this was a book aimed at children between the ages of eight and twelve. Is this the age-group you had in mind? I wasn’t sure as you have it in the young adult genre – though you also have it tagged as middle-grade (being a kiwi, I’m not entirely sure what age-group that constitutes, though).

I particularly love the references to shepherds and flocks and straying, and the various names you’ve given the sheep. It’s all very clever and certainly adds to the fun of this story. Well done.

Sue

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