The Girl with Sad Green Eyes

With your backing of my book, I consider writing this a unique honour. First, I must say your “creativity” about beating the minimum word count on this site is amusing…and bold. But I guess what needs to be done needs to be done, and one might not be able to tell how it would play out. You must have been very determined about your work to do that. Anyway, writing poetry is a unique task, and taking it to epic proportions like yours only makes it more unique. I might be wrong, but it just occurred to me that your story might somehow have sprouted from a personal experience or encounter. However, you have told it with your unique style quite well, although I would have liked to have a little more detail about the content in your pitch. It also appears that there is a little error in the third line of your first verse. You write: “where a lakes clear water played with the sand.” I guess that ought to read: “where a LAKE’S clear water played with the sand.” Also, considering the length of the work and how you have chosen to go about it, I suppose there is still room for you to dig your heels into the depths of poetry to make the most of this unique endeavor. Nice work in all. Thanks for the opportunity. Blessings always.

Tod
Thanks for the positive comments. I would call this an adult fairytale due to the subject matter but I would agree with you that it needs to be heavily illustrated. Poetry is hard to find a publisher for these days. May have to go the self-publishing route.
Blessings on your writing. Second graders make the best audience.

Lee

This is a rare find! Very lyrical and haunting. I'm not sure what age target audience you have in mind; as a fairy tale I think of younger kids, but in that case I think it would be ideal to illustrate it heavily. Good luck with this -- finding an outlet for poetry is a tall order. (My poems are all humorous, and I haven't found a place to print them -- I just recite them at second grade).
Cheers,
And If you're interested in kid lit, I'd love to invite you to take a look at my novel, The Lost Wink
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

This is a rare find! Very lyrical and haunting. I'm not sure what age target audience you have in mind; as a fairy tale I think of younger kids, but in that case I think it would be ideal to illustrate it heavily. Good luck with this -- finding an outlet for poetry is a tall order. (My poems are all humorous, and I haven't found a place to print them -- I just recite them at second grade).
Cheers,
And If you're interested in kid lit, I'd love to invite you to take a look at my novel, The Lost Wink
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Beautifully written story tugging at the heartstrings of the reader and leading from total darkness and despair to light,love and forgiveness.
I loved that you chose to tell the story in this haunting, emotional poem version.
Highly stared.
Elke
"Ella In Between"

Dianna
Thank you for your heartfelt comments. I am blessed whenever someone is touched by the story. I didn't write it as an allegory, more metaphorical but ultimately I just wanted to write a good story in verse as I sadly believe that is a lost art form. Thank you again for your support.

Blessings
Lee

Lee,

As I read The Girl With The Sad Green eyes I could see the beautiful parallels drawn between man’s selfishness and God’s forgiveness. Whether you intended this to be allegorical or not, I couldn’t help but see a direct correlation between our own need to be forgiven and to forgive.

Your story moves the soul with its sad and desperate beginning, but it ends with “bright eyes” that have witnessed sacrifice and have found forgiveness and ultimately -- life . I absolutely loved the message of your story, and because it was written so poetically, I was all the more impressed. Six stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Thank you Shelby for your comments.

I started reading your book Driving Winds and have a suggestion. The first line of a novel is probably the most important line, for by it you can hook your reader into wanting to read more, or cause their eyes to glaze over.

I like some of your opening lines but I think I would arrange them in a slightly different order.

IE: Adrianna watched the blood gurgle up from the open wound in her mother’s breast with a sense of terrible foreboding. Even to her eight year old mind, she understood the premonition to mean death.

- or something to that effect.

I have you on my watch list.

blessings
Lee

Whoa this is so different. Telling a whole story in poem version is so creative.
It develops very well. It pulls the reader in by the new voice and the story within.
Very well done.
High rating.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Whoa this is so different. Telling a whole story in poem version is so creative.
It develops very well. It pulls the reader in by the new voice and the story within.
Very well done.
High rating.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Lee,

As I read The Girl With The Sad Green eyes I could see the beautiful parallels drawn between man’s selfishness and God’s forgiveness. Whether you intended this to be allegorical or not, I couldn’t help but see a direct correlation between our own need to be forgiven and to forgive.

Your story moves the soul with its sad and desperate beginning, but it ends with “bright eyes” that have witnessed sacrifice and have found forgiveness and ultimately -- life . I absolutely loved the message of your story, and because it was written so poetically, I was all the more impressed. Six stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Maria
Thank you for your comments on the Girl With Sad Green Eyes. I appreciate your support.

blessings
Lee

Poetry at its best!
I couldn't stop reading this magical, wonderful fairy tale. it has every element that should make it rise in the ranks and make it a bestseller. Although the story starts with the worst kind of incest,sadness and loneliness, the tale of Gloraine and her Woodlands boy is magic, depicting beauty, forgiveness, and the true power of love.
Six stars, and on my shelf as soon as i ican put it there.
Maria
The Path to Survival

Poetry at its best!
I couldn't stop reading this magical, wonderful fairy tale. it has every element that should make it rise in the ranks and make it a bestseller. Although the story starts with the worst kind of incest,sadness and loneliness, the tale of Gloraine and her Woodlands boy is magic, depicting beauty, forgiveness, and the true power of love.
Six stars, and on my shelf as soon as i ican put it there.
Maria
The Path to Survival

I know nothing about poetry, so there's not much I can comment. I can say, though, that your poem reads beautifully and poignantly, as a healing dream.

Lee, the first lines of The Girl with Sad Green Eyes are filled with beautiful images – wood, water, a girl with green eyes. I read the description of the girl with rapt fascination. I feel the deepest sympathy for her as she suffers from her mother’s and brothers’ taunts, no wonder her eyes are sad. You create very powerful imagery that mesmerizes me beyond measure.
It was so nice of the girl to tend to Clover, it is so good she forgets about sadness. Now she has a friend. The ending of part IV is terrible – I feel so sorry for the girl. It is endearing that so many creatures seek to allay her suffering. I read the rest and am really glad to say that all’s well that ends well!

This is marvelous poetry, Lee! Very inspirational!

Kindest regards,
Ivan Amberlake

Hi Lee

Couldn't resist this - good piece of work. Original Epic poetry in the classic style.
I have penned a few pieces along similar lines, but not on this scale! - and I know just how difficult this is, yet it seems to flow from your pen in a natural, lucid style that is quite enchanting.

It is difficult to yield any critque at this verse, other than what has already been mentioned before, and that mainly to do with editing.
This genre is a hard nut to crack, and often overlooked is that good verse tends to be a very emotive and personal journey that can be difficult for the writer, yet you have mastered it with ease..

As a purely personal observational comment only, I would have preferred a slightly more consistent rythmic beat within the construct in one or two places, and it's probaly just the odd redundant preposition that is used which adds the extra beat. Anyway good stuff, and thanks for the read - have added to my WL...

Best regards
Steve

Well written, rich, detailed, resonant, emotionally spot-on writing . . . You have an exquisite touch with the ability to put your character(s) empathically on the page. And that too in verse. Well done. It was a good read, even for a picky reader like me. One of the few pieces here that brought tears to my eyes.

Compliments:
I am not a lover of verse (or should I say I am uneducated in such matters), however I found this hauntingly beautiful. It is a real achievement to tell a tale (a) using verse and (b) with language which really does sing beautifully from the page. You should be very proud;

There is a verse 'as she understood now for the first time she was somebody that was loved and could learn to break hates cycle and not further the crime but fly like she was a swan' which I found very poignient. I will work on trying to fly like a swan in future.

Constructive comments:
You use the term 'fairy' in the short pitch and 'faerie' in the long pitch - that's the only thing I could find to change.

Annabelle x

Al - thank you for your critique. Grammer is a weakness of mine so i appreciate the edits. I will make changes accordingly. Good luck on Savannah Fire!
Lee

I read your first chapter.

General comment: A touching story. A sympathetic main character. Vivid imagery. Good world building. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on this story:
1) ' ... where a lakes clear water played with the sand and ... ' Lakes (plural) should be lake's (possessive). There are more cases where you use the plural form when the possessive form is appropriate.
2) 'For six brothers and mother would only reprove and ... ' Capitalize 'mother.' When a kinship term is used as a name, it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized. There are more cases where a lowercase kinship term is used as a name and should be capitalized.
3) "Full of creatures, dark faeries and not safe for you girl!" Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
4) ' ... to the forest with it's monsters and darkness of night.' it's (contraction for it is) should be its (possessive pronoun).
5) "How long", she cried, "before the cycle is atoned?" The first comma goes inside the second quote mark.
6) "Get away Little One!" A shrill voice was calling. Comma after 'away' and 'A' should be lowercase.
7) 'Each in its turn tried to comfort the thing that laid in a daze, ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
8) "No!" Screamed the Knight ... 'Screamed' should be lowercase.
9) ' ... she was somebody that was loved and ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.

I hope this critique helps you further polish this story. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al

I read your first chapter.

General comment: A touching story. A sympathetic main character. Vivid imagery. Good world building. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on this story:
1) ' ... where a lakes clear water played with the sand and ... ' Lakes (plural) should be lake's (possessive). There are more cases where you use the plural form when the possessive form is appropriate.
2) 'For six brothers and mother would only reprove and ... ' Capitalize 'mother.' When a kinship term is used as a name, it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized. There are more cases where a lowercase kinship term is used as a name and should be capitalized.
3) "Full of creatures, dark faeries and not safe for you girl!" Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
4) ' ... to the forest with it's monsters and darkness of night.' it's (contraction for it is) should be its (possessive pronoun).
5) "How long", she cried, "before the cycle is atoned?" The first comma goes inside the second quote mark.
6) "Get away Little One!" A shrill voice was calling. Comma after 'away' and 'A' should be lowercase.
7) 'Each in its turn tried to comfort the thing that laid in a daze, ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
8) "No!" Screamed the Knight ... 'Screamed' should be lowercase.
9) ' ... she was somebody that was loved and ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.

I hope this critique helps you further polish this story. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al

Thank you Claire. What a beautiful review. Well written and thoughtful. May I use it for my pitch?
Blessings
Lee

From sad to bright, what a poignant poem. Jealousy brings ridicule to this poor girl—fair and graceful—unable to see it for herself. But she is cruelly treated not only by her siblings but by her father. Sullied and shamed as so many of the innocent are. Unicorns, centaurs, ogres, naiads and dryads, make this mournful tail dazzle. It’s a fairy tale with a taste of heaven. The Unicorn, Knight and Moon are a matchless trinity. References to the children of the light and to a loving savior, mark this poem as a tribute to forgiveness. Beautifully written. High stars and on w/l. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

From sad to bright, what a poignant poem. Jealousy brings ridicule to this poor girl—fair and graceful—unable to see it for herself. But she is cruelly treated not only by her siblings but by her father. Sullied and shamed as so many of the innocent are. Unicorns, centaurs, ogres, naiads and dryads, make this mournful tail dazzle. It’s a fairy tale with a taste of heaven. The Unicorn, Knight and Moon are a matchless trinity. References to the children of the light and to a loving savior, mark this poem as a tribute to forgiveness. Beautifully written. High stars and on w/l. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

What an incredibly haunting tale, most enjoyable, this is a subject close to my heart. I am intrigued by how children who were perceived as different were treated, in particular, in neolithic times. I promise to read this right through when I have time but you certainly have me hooked. Thank you so much for backing my Children's story, your comments will be much appreciated.

with regards

Cyrus

Thank you Daniela. I appreciate your comments. Good luck on your book as well.
Lee

Your MC breathe sadness in the poem. Her pain can be felt through your imense words structure. It all ends in such a nice way after a terrible suffering. You have a way of showing pain but also love. I enjoyed your poem. Fully starred. Good luck
Daniela

Your MC breathe sadness in the poem. Her pain can be felt through your imense words structure. It all ends in such a nice way after a terrible suffering. You have a way of showing pain but also love. I enjoyed your poem. Fully starred. Good luck
Daniela

Your MC breathe sadness in the poem. Her pain can be felt through your imense words structure. It all ends in such a nice way after a terrible suffering. You have a way of showing pain but also love. I enjoyed your poem. Fully starred. Good luck
Daniela

thank you James, I appreciate your backing but more importantly that you really enjoyed the book. That's all any author can hope for.

WOW Lee!

I am speechless! I read through The Girl with Sad Green Eyes and it is absolutely incredible! Your pitch does not even do justice to this amazing accomplishment! This has to be read to be believed!

How anyone can weave a tale of this length in complete rhyme is beyond me!

You have written a piece of which you can most certainly be proud.

Blessings to you and may this rise quickly.

James Revoir

WOW Lee!

I am speechless! I read through The Girl with Sad Green Eyes and it is absolutely incredible! Your pitch does not even do justice to this amazing accomplishment! This has to be read to be believed!

How anyone can weave a tale of this length in complete rhyme is beyond me!

You have written a piece of which you can most certainly be proud.

Blessings to you and may this rise quickly.

James Revoir

Wow! Bravo. I'm proud to back this one.

Thank you Peggy.

Wow! Bravo. I'm proud to back this one.