My Protector's Claim

I'm kind of pissed at myself. I went to load the rest of the chapters to MPC because one of my readers asked so kindly. But then when I did it, somehow I lost all my backings. So after getting my ranking up 600 points, now it's going back down. Now I'm going to shoot myself in the foot. (With a paintball gun of course.) I ask that all my backers from before re-add MPC to their shelves but I understand if they don't--I was the stupid one after all. And I'm currently banging my head on my desk.

Also, as a side note:

This is NOT a book for preteens. o.o There is . . . suggestive things in here so I wouldn't suggest it to anyone under 16. Unless they're mature and can handle sexual moments. So . . . yeah.

And this is an unedited version.

Love you all,
A.J.

P.S. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy MPC. :)

Okay, so I should have done this a long time ago since I've been reading it since it came up but I get sidetracked...so whatever. I love this story. The characters are kind of unique and likable in their own ways and I never know what's going to happen next. That's really important to me since there's so many authors now adays that just make everything so predictable so I always enjoy sitting down to read this with each chapter. Also, I love the uniquness. There aren't many modern themed supernatural books where they live in their own worlds. Most of the time it's about them trying to fit into the human world, or coming out and telling the world they exist. And you've kind of got a mixture of the two, so I like that.

I'm not going to go into editing mistakes and whatever since I'm sure you know they're there, so I guess that's it. Can't wait for the next chapter. :)

-Stark

Okay, I'm at chapter 12 now, and I have to say, I really like your plot and your ideas! Also, love the romance! Although I do agree that the book still needs a lot of work! but it was so easy to almost not even notice, probably because I loved the story so much! Unfortunately, an agent or publishing house won't feel the same way, so you need to get it cleaned up, so to speak. Find someone who can help you with proofreading and some editing. This book really has potential! And I would be the first to buy a copy!
Use commas more, sometimes the sentences are very long and they read aukwardly (commas before but)
I have noticed some typos, but they can easily be fixed.
All and all, you clearly have talent, and this is going to be an awesome book. One that would really appeal to YA readers!
I will definitely read the rest!
By the way, I had no trouble trying to figure out if the character in the biginning was male or female, in the third paragraph of chapter 1, you actually do mention that she's a girl!
Well done on an excellent plot!
Alret
(^^,)
Ps, be careful with 'that' it usually pops up where you do not want it.
I could help with some proofreading, but I choose to do it via email, it's much easier this way! Let me know if you are interested!
I have star rated you book with pleasure!

Nice entrance. I love your flow and how your writing speaks to the reader. I would get rid of ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’. I don’t think they are necessary and could turn off some readers. I know the age group this is going to be for but it also can be for a bigger audience if you tweak it a little. Usually they help tremendously. And they don’t hurt anyone . . . even your target audience. There are also some more language that you can also get rid of if you scroll down.

Once he said he used to pretend he was an amimal I was hooked. I did the same thing when I was younger. When a reader can relate, they are drawn it, and that is a GREAT thing.

I like how you state that he is one of them right off the bat because many writers start there story and I think it’s going to be a real-world story but then I find out that they are a witch.

Overall, great story so far. I am a Halloween man myself and love vampires and monsters. The only thing you might want to do is split the chapter in two. I’ve noticed many writers have a long chapter but it needs to be short, especially on this site. Think of it as a very long pitch for the rest of your book. With that out of the way, I didn’t know it was on the lengthy side until I finished. 6 stars. But I think it’s more like 5. You just have to trim it or split it in two and it can be 6. But I gave you 6 just because I don’t think there is much difference between 6 and 5.

Wonderful story..I felt as if I was there.

Enjoyed the two chapters i read. The story line is really good and I can see you have searched hard for parts of this book to make what you have already thought about feel so right. I like the way you have thought of the reader in the flow you allow us to have when we read this book.
I really have a good feeling for this book but only if you stick with it and are prepared to put more effort in it when required. It would be a great shame if you dont follow it through to the end. Good luck.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)

Only a couple of chapters in but enjoying the book so far. I agree with other comments here the writing is fresh and unpredicatble, with an easy flowing style. Certainly compelled to read more and will leave further feed back when I do. A good start :)

it is truelly an amazing book and im grateful that i had a chance to read it

it is truelly an amazing book and im grateful that i had a chance to read it

The pitch didn't do a lot to entice me, but your writing sure did. Loved the opening chapter and will be reading more as I have the time.

Great work!

Confident and smart writing. I don't do line-by-line crits, I just go by the 'feel' of a book on first read and this feels good. You maintain the inventiveness of the descriptions and characterisations throughout and thank heavens you've uploaded the entire book. Your final pay-off sentence is perfect.

My only criticism is your use of the prologue. I had prologues on both Bloodstones and Slow Poison for ages - but both books were imporved when the damned things were removed. It serves as a block. Some people hate them. If feel that yours will put people off because of the language. Your use of language there is out of place. I have more swearing in my books than most here on site, but using 'fucked up' and 'shit' in the opener is not a great hook I think. It also reads more like a pitch and I would be happier if you just opened with chapter one. Your writing is excellent and you want readers in there before you blast them with the cussing...

I look forward t a more relaxed read when I can get round to it. For now, on the watch list and highly starred. Fantastic!

Cas

Why can I only see up to chapter 5 now? What happened to the rest of the chapters?

Why can I only see up to chapter 5 now? What happened to the rest of the chapters?

wow just finished reading the story and it was amazing keep up the great work :)

great book: your beautifully descriptive narrative moves you story along with full effect. your introduction, too helps to relay your book.
backed...
six stars*******
read SEASONS...

I fell in love with your story on fictionpress and followed it here so I could finish reading it! I really enjoyed it!

you have a typo in your short pitch...easy writing style and strong foundations here.
j

So I just finished reading and . . . I love it! If, no when, it gets published, I'm definately buying a copy. I did notice a few minor typos while reading. They usually weren't major enough to break the flow, but you might just want to proofread it. But overall the story was very good. Wrapped up well, not really many loose ends. But what did happen to her little brother? If you end up writing a sequal or something, it might be nice to include him. He's kinda cute, being loyal enough to wait for his sister on the hill every day for way over a year.
--Colette

I decided to read without commenting on typos and such. Still enjoying it, but I have to leave now. I'll be back to pick it up at chapter 18.

Mona

Hi, I'm back and I'm glad. I am so enjoying this. I keep getting hung up, though, on some obvious corrections I want to make. This isn't, of course, a complete edit of any kind, but some things just stand out. Maybe others have pointed them out too. So, here goes:

Chapter 15
"We moved quickly past (not passed)... " Same thing in the next sentence, "past" not "passed."
"We walked until the path (not "bath"] stopped."
"Three houses were place[d] along its edge."
"He leisurely {no comma]... "
"His very presence 'exuded' not 'eluded.'"

Chapter 16
"... behind a mask {no "of"] befitting a man of his position."
"... most people would "empathize" not "emphasize" ...
" ... of course [ not "couse"] some of the men ... "
"When he saw [not "same"]
"...one [not "on} he never grew bored of ..."
"... the odd few with none [not "not"] at all ..."
"As we ;passed [,] a little girl ... "
"It [not "I"] was hard not to laugh ... "

I want to finish reading it, but these things slow me down. I hope these comments are helpful though. It would be really helpful for you, I think, if you got a proofreader. An editor would be nice, but for now just a proofreader who knows grammar would help to make the reading quicker and more comfortable for people like me who stumble over typos and other errors. A spell check for many of the items above wouldn't help because spell check can only say whether the word is spelled correctly, not whether it's the right word in the right context.

I'll be back ASAP. Please let me know if these comments are helpful. I'm anxious to see what happens with the story.

Now I'm pissed at myself. I had almost finished writing this when I did something stupid that took me completely away from authonomy. So, here goes again. I just read chapters 12,13, and 14. I wish I could read on, but the same stuff that's been keeping me away from authonomy is still doing it -- lots of "stuff," nothing bad, just "stuff." I wish I could do more to help your ratings, but I'm still backing you. Anyway, I observed a few things for the next time you risk doing an edit. Actually, my memory tells me I'm repeating myself re chapter 12, but here goes just in case.
CHAPTER 12
"At the time I thought they were good until, [missing word] but now they were only painful."
"The snap of a twig reaching my sensitive ears was the only [missing word] that saved me."
"It would send the bobcat runing [should be 'running'] away'
"out of the 'fofrom'" I think I remember asking about that the last time I was here.
"I knew [I] had lost a lot of blood.
CHAPTER 13
"The sun seemed much to [should be 'too'] high ..."
"..a brave warrior of bother [should be 'both']
"There has [have] not been many queens ..."
".... has not matter [ed]"

I'll try to get back sooner. Good luck
Mona (Mrs. Job)

Now I'm pissed at myself. I had almost finished writing this when I did something stupid that took me completely away from authonomy. So, here goes again. I just read chapters 12,13, and 14. I wish I could read on, but the same stuff that's been keeping me away from authonomy is still doing it -- lots of "stuff," nothing bad, just "stuff." I wish I could do more to help your ratings, but I'm still backing you. Anyway, I observed a few things for the next time you risk doing an edit. Actually, my memory tells me I'm repeating myself re chapter 12, but here goes just in case.
CHAPTER 12
"At the time I thought they were good until, [missing word] but now they were only painful."
"The snap of a twig reaching my sensitive ears was the only [missing word] that saved me."
"It would send the bobcat runing [should be 'running'] away'
"out of the 'fofrom'" I think I remember asking about that the last time I was here.
"I knew [I] had lost a lot of blood.
CHAPTER 13
"The sun seemed much to [should be 'too'] high ..."
"..a brave warrior of bother [should be 'both']
"There has [have] not been many queens ..."
".... has not matter [ed]"

I'll try to get back sooner. Good luck
Mona (Mrs. Job)

A.J.

I’ve read up to chapter 7 and am really liking the story. I wasn’t sure what to expect as your long pitch really doesn’t do your story justice.

You have a wonderful story about a shifter girl who does not know she is one until she is kidnapped by ‘the monster’ for his circus. I am curious to know how he knew what she was. I am also curious to know how she came to be with the family she has, but I am willing to concede that you will tell us all of that once Tyrell reunites her with her family.

I don’t like to read for grammar or punctuation, but here were a few things I caught. I quit paying attention to them after a while. All mss have errors, that’s what editors are for.

Not sure about the prologue….

The first chapter is good, but it might be better to start this chapter with the action, Arianna turning into a bird, the chase etc. Also, I didn’t know until the end that the MC character was a girl. I thought it was a boy. Of course I may have just missed something.

Typo : pan in lieu of pain.

Chapter 2
Do you mean “humanely”? And you have ‘steal’ in lieu of ‘steel’.
A very eerie chapter. I like it .

Chapter 3
Tyrelle, I like this character. Would he say ‘hang in there’? That sounds too informal for how I picture him.

As I said, I stopped noting things and just read. It’s a good story and one that I will put on my shelf when next I rotate.

All the best,

Sharon

I just spent my entire afternoon drooling over this book. It's probably a good thing that I did not have a literal book in my hands as I would have ripped the pages with how quickly I flipped to the next chapter. In a word: outstanding. What's even more than that is that I noticed you are only seventeen years old. Good grief, you are so talented and have such an amazing future ahead of you. Looking forward to much, much more from you. I have a feeling everyone will own a book written by you some day soon- and if they don't, I know I will!

Absolute best wishes from a fan that was kept on the edge of her seat,

Andrea
A Perception of Dreams

When I tune in again I'll be on chapter 14. I hate to leave it. Your writing is gripping, and I like that most of the time you show, don't tell -- i.e. take the reader directly into the experience. I didn't read it to search for grammatical stuff, and I wouldn't have found much, but I did find what are apparently missing words and one mis-spelling that you might want to fix.

The snap of a twig reaching my sensitive ears was the only [thing] that saved me ...

It would send the bobcat runing [running?] away ...

...upset with you for running a way [away?] little mouse.

What is "fofrom" under the trees?

I knew [I] had a lot of blood ...

"a brave warrior of bother [both?] the earth and sky.

Thanks. I'll be back

Darn it! I have to leave this again -- at chapter 12 this time. I guess I've reached the point where you haven't proofread, but it's still clear that these are small errors and typos. There's no dealing with grammatical errors. I continue to enjoy this.

Now, as for another thing -- hoping people in college will be better. I'm sure they will be, depending on whether you pick the right college for you. My guess is that you are not surrounded by girls like you in high school, and they probably still have -- pardon me for saying it -- a touch of jealous nastiness as they focus on things that don't much interest you. Just choose yourself a college that's up to your standards.

OK. Words of advice from the retired professor.

I'll be back to pick up on this. I love the way you are weaving in so many of the issues so important at this time. Who am I? What can I change into? Why am I so different from my family? What are those dang hormones doing to me anyway? And then there's the mystery. Her brother is so sure mom missed her -- so different from mom's rejecting her on the phone. Something will come of that, I'll bet.

Now I'm off. It would be good if I could pick this up tomorrow --- but tomorrow is Monday, so who knows? ...

Mona (Mrs. Job)

Shucks, I have to leave this at chapter 6. You were next on my list to read, because I want to go through all my "friends" before I move on to other requests. Are you really as young as you say you are? Yes, I guess so, given the youthful sense of your expressions. But this is very mature writing -- a pleasure to read -- a budding talent without a doubt. In fact, budding may be an unfair word. This is real talent.

So I'll leave you for now, but I'll be back. I hope you have success climbing back up on the ranking you lost. For now I'll withhold rating it. I can be more fair after I've read more. But I will put you on my watch list right now.

If you notice that I don't get back to you soon, please do me the favor of reminding me. This is a good read, and I do appreciate not having to struggle with grammatical errors. Thanks for that and for a good story so far.

Mrs. Job (Mona)

I fnshed my protector's claim and i loved it. There were quite a few typos but if you would beinterested i could help you fix them. When i was reading Answering the. Call.i wasn't a fan of Ty but after reading this i understand and likd him a lot better.

I really should have commented before, but since I read these on my ipad, it's not the easiest to type and I never actually made an account until now. But I couldn't keep putting it off because I've enjoyed reading so much. It's a pretty inventive idea. I've read a lot of supernatural stuff (and I mean a lot) but nothing quite the same as this. Thanks for sharing it with us and good luck getting it published. I'd back it as well but there's something funny about itunes products that won't let you (damn apple). As soon as I get to a computer, though, I will.

-Draco

I'm impressed, especially considering your age. There is a balance of both naivety and experience which, when you think about it, is perfect for Anna. Of course it needs work but since you're editing I guess I'll just have to wait until what you say it the 'final' is out to criticize. I do like how you gave her resilience a lot, though. That's probably my favorite part of it. There are so many books where the author has the MC goes through a traumatic experience and then the rest of the book they're jumping at their own shadow all the way up to the end. It's a nice change.
Good job and good luck with your writing.
Hedwig

A.J.

I enjoyed your book and can't wait until it's available to buy. I loved everything! You have a gift, never stop writing. Thank you for letting me read your book. Keep up the hard work

THANKS,
Dee

Very good writing! Some errs that need editing in there, but I believe I read somewhere that you are addressing those. So I will refrain from pointing them out. Overall, good plot, and character. I admit, I am guilty of the thought..."Oh no, not another vampire book!" But, that said, I'm also going to admit, I want to read more. I'm reading on, good job so far... Jacque

Chapter 28 was a great ending to a wonderful story. Thanks for posting it in its entirety. Again only minor editorial issues: "Aaron through (threw?) me a small smile..." and "...kind of relationship a normal girl would have with her father but they (the?) two us us aren't exactly normal..." and "the vines that (delete 'that') on our skin melded together in a way..."5 stars and still backed. :) Best wishes. Desi

Thanks for posting more. Like the change in cover art! Editorial issues: "There's nothing wrong with you are (and?) Kaia." and "...Troy was leaving a clear trail or (I?) may not have come in time." and "Ty (didn't?) say anything, lost as he was in his own thoughts." and "But if (he?) tried to hurt Ty again I would fight him,..." Desi.

Excellent chapter 26. Still very well paced- not sure why Troy brought Ty into the cave. Only very minor editorial issues: "Had to make sure there was enough for your beast had enough time to take over." (cumbersome sentence?) and "But you're going to with (wish?) you'd never even thought about that..." and "...I felt the desire to do the dame (same?)." Can't wait for more. Desi.

Thanks for continuing to post more. Ran across some editorial issues: Chapter 25 "...fire flickered to life in front of him but my far (corner?) stayed cold even as it licked at the surrounding air." and "You might as well try to make the ear (earth?) spin backwards." and "Well, at least h (he?) was deluding himself..." and "No, not though ghost." (not sure what your trying to say here) Looking forward to more. Hope this was helpful. Desi.

AJ,
You tell a fantastic story. I think I started reading this because of your avi and because the WA made me think you were in Washington. (seattle here).
I'm at work so only could read the prologue and chpt. 1, but I was very impressed and hope to find time to read more.
a couple of notes--
prologue--- "staring down at her with a . . ." seems the her should be "me" since it's first person POV

chpt 1- "And I mentally shook . . . deal with this latter." These two sentences seemed a bit odd and for me the passage works better without them.

---"despte the irony behind it." Why was the wolf ironic? I couldn't figure that part out.

Great Job, Keep writng
keep editing

Bill
Haktaw Heart

AJ this is my return read, so here it goes..

"You're wrong. Because I'm one of them." Nice....strong.... I liked the first chapter -after the prologue. Well paced, not much to correct concerning your use of language. I'm intrigued by the fact that she has feathered limbs, although it was a bit unrealistic as an event and reaction -I don't think anyone would say "Oh! look at that! Wings! Let's fly away!"... Birds need time in order to learn to fly too. It all sounded too easy- , I manage to leave it aside and I move on.

Chapter 2. I think your first phrase is disorienting. I say this after I ve read well into the chapter and I realize we ve jumped ahead in time, not sure how much. So, "Today, the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was bars." You have to understand, that after the first chapter the reader will think that it's the next day. There is no indication for anything else. You are betting to lure him in a new state of your MC, and I can assure you that while this is the case in the beginning of the chapter, you will lose them in the middle. I cant think of anyone being able to assume that you have made such a huge jump in time, and as such they will stop, they will go to the beginning of the chapter and read again to find what they ve missed. Only, there isn't anything... If it hadn't been for your pitch, I wouldnt have known what was going on. I dont read pitches, because I dont think a story's plotline should be based on the pitch to be clear enough. I read on as I still like the premise and the setting. (Suggestion for the previous comment: "A year later." -- write this at the beginning of your chapter.)

You say "cirque" at some point... I think you mean "circus"..

"I had half a mind to turn into something small and hide under the straw..." -- WHAT? You lost me here. Why is she still in captivity if she can turn into something small? "But there was something about being small that just didn't sit well with me." O_o you are making things worse here. First, this phrase is a proof of her ability to turn to sth small... she wouldnt know the feeling if not. Second, there is no sense in saying "Oh....I dont like being small for a minute or so... So I'll just sit tight in my captivity here..." Do you see what I mean? I read on... Ah... I understand now... but again, you pay no respect to the reader. Since you want to tell me that she can turn into sth small, while keeping it a secret that there is a barrier keeping her from escape, you have to realize it doesn't make sense for a whole paragraph. Keep the barrier a secret and just mention that she cant get away, so that I know that she has thought about it. This will keep me wondering why she cant escape! You see?

I enter chapter 3, because I still love your premise. A story filled with shapeshifters. I have yet to read one, and I'm happy I m in the process.

I am following the thought process of your MC as she wakes up, and I'm amazed to see it all be very realistic. She follows her new nature, -a shapeshifter would use its strengths in order to gather info, and the use of the scent of the environment, was skillfully portrayed. "For wolf standards I'm still a puppy..." you are nailing it. I like it... I'll make yet another suggestion here concerning the part where she encounters the snow cat and then Tyrell. It is obvious that the cat is Tyrell and that he is the one who saved her. To the reader it is obvious as the sun. You dwell on it, saying that she has doubts not trusting the man. I mean...she is free and someone is cooking food... The first run was instinctive, I get it. But after it, why? If the reader gets it, the MC should be already acting on it. Aryanna should understand that Tyrell is the cat and that he is good, for now at least.

Ok, I stop here. AJ, this is a great premise and although I would love to say I want to carry on, the above notes should be addressed first. If you plan on taking it to the agents, you should consider revising the points I offer. If you do, not only I will read more, but I will shelve the story, cause it is a unique one. Also, if you get into revising, please take a look of your story from afar... see it as a reader yourself. Maybe you'll get an insight on what works and what not of the parts I haven't read. (I m not making any grammatical corrections or of typos etc. Keep in mind that an editor's eye would benefit your work, when time comes.)

5 stars from me to encourage you to work on it.

Yannis

A. J.

Well I really enjoyed that and can’t wait to read the ending and buy your book. Your writing just flows: it does make it hard to stop reading and take a break. For a seventeen year old I’m impressed and I will be watching for your progress as you go through college “please don’t stop writing”! Enjoy being young and learn as much as you can, because you love writing and reading “it shows”. We need people like you!

As I read your book I read peoples comments about your writing, first and most “thank you for giving us the time to let us into your imagination”. Second: advice is so inspiring, as you grow into a great writer.

From the start I know Anna was a girl and that never was a question. Not sure I agree with your chapter being too long; they kept me so interested that I couldn’t put your book down. There is nothing wrong with writing for young adults, your writing is pure and maturity will come as you grow. You did say you would go back and edit your writing and you know you need too, but take everyone’s comments and see if they fit for you.

Best to your journey in life,
Dee

Read Chapter 23- wow! You know the writing is good when it invokes strong emotions. I think more than feeling sorry for Ty or Anna- I was just pissed! Pretty much as peeved as when Devlen disclosed her victimization publicly earlier in the story. Who cares about Troy, I think that perhaps for me at least Devlen is the unintentional villain of the story. At this point I am just rooting for Anna to go postal and burn down the whole shifter community ;) And also- no typos that I found. Can't wait to read more! Desi.

New Life, New Home, New Rules

Every reader will have a different approach, and all opinions are subjective. Remember that and take only what you find useful.

The first thing to say is that you pretty clearly have the writing bug: three novels on this site. I could not have done such a thing at your age. I definitely think you should pursue this. Just getting so many words down is a task in itself.

Title: I would guess you’re not too keen on this; it’s a bit vague and lacks any clue to the special nature of your MC and her trials.

Short pitch: ‘mates’ are precious things for everybody aren’t they? I would rewrite this a little to concentrate on the imposed alienation of your MC.

Long Pitch: This is too wordy for a pitch. You need to edit for tightening. For e.g. ‘she can change herself into’ why is the word ‘herself’ there? And phrases like ‘of course’ don’t help with the immediate impact a pitch needs.

Prologue: the prologue is a context-setting device. You do some of this in yours but I felt it wandered about a bit. And it has these two distinct bits, a quite strong reader instruction and then a story. In fact it is the story. I really think you should re-jig this – handle the months that have passed until the action in C1 in the routine way and make the prologue a slightly better version of the first bit that you already have. I liked your story telling in this prologue story bit, you made it very personal and I think it would appeal to teenagers. Make clear that the eagle shape reverts before the end.

C1: I noticed typos and incorrect words here and there as I read – usually the fault of relying on spell checkers, ‘than’ instead of ‘that’ for e.g. Writers shouldn’t do that, software is too dumb. But there aren’t too many and I stopped bothering. Your story telling ability is evident. I found myself carried along quite briskly and was happy follow the adventure. I have to say you need maybe to be a little more careful over the ‘naked child in a cage’ part. I guess such a thing would generate frantic efforts from the authorities so you need to ensure that angle is covered fully. These days there are too many real stories of such things to make people relaxed about it.

More generally, your chapter is too long. I think it ends here: ‘Several days later a man came.’ For this sort of tale shorter is better I think.

AJ,

All in all a good Prologue, though I do think you could edit out some of the personal narrative in the first part. This will get the reader to the 'action' part quicker. It's the easiest thing in the world to put in a lot of narrative early on to announce your style of writing, but I feel you're stifling the progress of the story by being a little over elaborate.

Little points that may help are:

A very good piece of advice I was given years ago was to avoid the word 'that' unless it's absolutely necessary. For instance; "The first thing I noticed besides that was (that) the two men had stopped advancing..." and "When I was younger I used to pretend (that) I could change into an animal." By cutting out 'that' where possible helps the flow of the writing immensely.

I noticed you used the term 'couldn't care less' twice. Although this is hardly repetitive, I'd suggest changing one of the instances to 'wasn't bothered' or something similar. Any time you can avoid any repeat of phrasing will improve your writing.

There's one or two sentences I'd be tempted to change, eg. "The second guy, Corey, laughed." This could be whittled down to "Corey laughed" (the reader already knows there's two people here, and you can again help the flow of the story by removing words that aren't necessary.

"The ground was still covered in a nice layer of snow." 'Nice' is a very neutral and harmless word, and maybe "The ground was still covered (with) a crisp layer of snow" adds a touch more descriptiveness.

I'd also change "It's more like a horror story. One of those where everything is so normal and then suddenly you're sitting there wondering what else in life can go wrong." Firstly, I'd cut out full stop after 'horror story,' and change it to a dash or semi-colon. I'd personally go for, "It's more like a horror story; one where everything (seems) normal, then suddenly you're wondering what else can go wrong." I think this'll give the sentence more flow, and a few words can be cut out without losing any information.

Anyway, hope you find this critique useful. Writing is all about experience and the craft that gets honed with practice. At the age of seventeen, your potential for improvement is vast. What I can most definitely say is you are a far better writer than I was when I was the same age. Very best of luck with all your literary endeavours, because you have many many years ahead where you'll only improve your writing skills with hard work and experience.

Pete

Hello A.J.,
I like YA so I came to take a look at yours. I like the voice here, its exactly what you need to attract the YA audience.
The first person narrative is in vogue right now, so you can't go wrong there.
The premise for this sounds interesting. I bit of a different spin on the fantasy genre. I like the MC's name, different enough but not too unusual or hard to pronounce.
The writing could be tightened up and I have left some examples for you, but its your piece so use whatever you find helpful.
I got that she was a girl by the way, I just read the comments below.
Best wishes hope you get lots of readers.
Cheers Jacoba

Prologue
..I used to pretend I could change into an animal...( take out: that)
When I left the house after dark ( instead of got out)
...so sure footed and silent, like a real predator of the night. ( take out: it was)
...the day before without anyone finding out. ( leave off :about it)
My mom moved around a lot ( take out had)..I started school a year late ( take out: had)
Finally convinced I'd gone at least this year without anyone saying anything.
( take out that; avoid using double negatives)
I was so busy basking in my success I didnt notice... ( take out that)
But judging by the sound of the person's steps (re worded)
I didn't believe a girl couldn't take care...( take out that)
At the last second I veered in the opposite direction, barely ducking the .....( take out them both)
But I forgot what was down this one ( take out had)
He just laughed though, as if my anger amused him somehow.( try and avoid using 'was' it give the piece a passive voice, a much stronger verb choice is better.)

I’ve been reading your novel for a while now and just wanted to wait to comment till I was farther along in the tale. First, I would like to say that your story would be really popular among teenagers, especially with the supernatural wave that has been raging recently. However, that being said, the novel is still in a pretty rough form. There are many typos and the voice isn’t very clear or original. With a bit more practice and proof-reading this story would go farther. I look forward to the rest of the novel!

I'm kind of pissed at myself. I went to load the rest of the chapters to MPC because one of my readers asked so kindly. But then when I did it, somehow I lost all my backings. So after getting my ranking up 600 points, now it's going back down. Now I'm going to shoot myself in the foot. (With a paintball gun of course.) I ask that all my backers from before re-add MPC to their shelves but I understand if they don't--I was the stupid one after all. And I'm currently banging my head on my desk.

Also, as a side note:

This is NOT a book for preteens. o.o There is . . . suggestive things in here so I wouldn't suggest it to anyone under 16. Unless they're mature and can handle sexual moments. So . . . yeah.

And this is an unedited version.

Love you all,
A.J.

P.S. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy MPC. :)

Good pitch and a unique plot. A little confused if the main is male or female at the onset. Good voice though and consistent, would do well for YA given the tone of narration. Well done.

Best of luck,
Susanne

Your pitch does a good job of drawing your readers in so I have nothing to add there. I skimmed your first chapter and it is written in a very believable style. I'm impressed with how vivid you write at such a young age and have a feeling that as you go on in years, your writing will be unstoppable. With that said, I only have one piece of advice since I have never been able to get into supernatural stories. I noticed the F word used a few times in your first chapter and I feel that is too many times for this genre considering how many preteens would be inclined to pick it up. I know that it is how people talk these days but in a book over using it could be enough to make many potential readers turn away from the book. You're writing is too good for that to happen. I would suggest finding more creative ways to convey your characters strong feelings. It would be more entertaining and would not scare away readers or the parents who would buy a book in this genre. I am a parent myself and I know that my kids are into this type of book. but I would not give my preteen a book if I saw that word repeated on the first page. That is the only advice I can really give since I am no good at spotting grammar mistakes and such. But I can spot a good story. it's not my genre but I have a friend on here that loves stories like this so I am going to pass it along to her for a better read. Wish you all the luck in the world.
Jennie Lyne Hiott
Hearts and Lies

Well you asked me to look at your pitch. Please remove the offending apostrophe. Mates, not mate's. An apostrophe replaces a missing letter, does not represent a plural. God there's more! I shall edit your entire pitch:

Mates are precious things for shifters. But what if you weren't allowed to be with yours? Would you break the rules for them?

When your life is changed in the blink of an eye and you're taken from your home and the rules you're expected to follow are ones you can't accept, what do you do?

Anna is a shifter; she can change herself into any animal she chooses. However, someone forgot to tell her about it. It's not until she's forced into a cage and made to live like an animal that she finds out. Of course, it's hard to cage a wild animal and with the help of a strange man with glowing green eyes she is free once more. The guy has promised to take her home and, despite better judgment, she trusts him. There's something about him that makes her feel as if she's known him forever, even if it's only been days.

It's not the home she knows that he taking her to, though. He's bringing her back to her real family; the one she never got the chance to know. But her place among the shifters isn't an easy one, and, it doesn't help that their laws go against everything she's ever known.

I love your MC's attitude! There is a sense of "let me tell you how it is..." You did an excellent job with the POV too. I usually don't comment on that, but you did it exceptionally well. I am going to give you high stars and will be back for more. Keep up the good work, and if you ever want me to read any specific chapter and comment just let me know! Good luck!

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

Wow Chapter 23 is awesome! Some minor editorial issues though (sorry!) "...nothing would be able to mare (mar?) this moment." and "...thing as I had but he just seemed amused (by?) Ty's anger." and "Ty finally turned to look my (me?) straight in the eye..." and "Luck me." (Lucky for me?). Hope this is helpful. Desi

Read chapter 21- didn't find any typos this time :) Nice hook at the end! Can't wait for more. Desi.

Nice entrance. I love your flow and how your writing speaks to the reader. I would get rid of ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’. I don’t think they are necessary and could turn off some readers. I know the age group this is going to be for but it also can be for a bigger audience if you tweak it a little. Usually they help tremendously. And they don’t hurt anyone . . . even your target audience. There are also some more language that you can also get rid of if you scroll down.

Once he said he used to pretend he was an amimal I was hooked. I did the same thing when I was younger. When a reader can relate, they are drawn it, and that is a GREAT thing.

I like how you state that he is one of them right off the bat because many writers start there story and I think it’s going to be a real-world story but then I find out that they are a witch.

Overall, great story so far. I am a Halloween man myself and love vampires and monsters. The only thing you might want to do is split the chapter in two. I’ve noticed many writers have a long chapter but it needs to be short, especially on this site. Think of it as a very long pitch for the rest of your book. With that out of the way, I didn’t know it was on the lengthy side until I finished. 6 stars. But I think it’s more like 5. You just have to trim it or split it in two and it can be 6. But I gave you 6 just because I don’t think there is much difference between 6 and 5.

Spot on. Usually I'm not that enthusiastic about the romancey books but you've managed to make it so the whole thing is not completely lovey dovey despite that being a major factor within the book. I really like it so far and I hope you continue with it.

-Jay

Okay, so I should have done this a long time ago since I've been reading it since it came up but I get sidetracked...so whatever. I love this story. The characters are kind of unique and likable in their own ways and I never know what's going to happen next. That's really important to me since there's so many authors now adays that just make everything so predictable so I always enjoy sitting down to read this with each chapter. Also, I love the uniquness. There aren't many modern themed supernatural books where they live in their own worlds. Most of the time it's about them trying to fit into the human world, or coming out and telling the world they exist. And you've kind of got a mixture of the two, so I like that.

I'm not going to go into editing mistakes and whatever since I'm sure you know they're there, so I guess that's it. Can't wait for the next chapter. :)

-Stark