Book Jacket

 

rank 1006
word count 23561
date submitted 11.07.2011
date updated 15.06.2012
genres: Fiction, Historical Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Horseback Messenger

Peter Gunn

A messenger stumbles into a conspiracy that would destroy a kingdom. With time against him he must find a way to reach the King.

 

There is a conspiracy to tear down the King's proposed alliance with France. The conspirators are shadows, unknown figures moving among the court. Who would you trust amongst the throng of fortune seeking, greed stricken courtiers?

Against this backdrop a Horseback Messenger is on the brink of death, succumbing to his personal demons. Tormented every waking hour, the agony only lessened by drink Thomas Cunningham is broken. Trying to find the courage to end his misery it seems fate would intervene and do it for him when a giant madman intent on murder strikes.

But confronted with an easy way out or a chance to lay demons to rest, Cunningham discovers a strength he did not know he possessed and a woman who could perhaps heal those wounds that only love and companionship can mend. He fights to bring the country back from the brink of war.

But a terrible secret can be kept no longer, the conspirators have discovered it and use it against Cunningham to bring him to his knees. The gallows await unless he can find a way out of imprisonment to the only friend he has left.

Only then is there a chance for a life.

 
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tags

diplomacy, eighth, emotional, fiction, henry, historical, history, redemption, revenge, romance, thriller, tudor, viii, war

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Chapters

7

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Chapter 7

 

Thomas sought shelter in a quiet corner of the grand entrance garden. He sat on a low stone wall surrounded by foliage and put his hand into his knapsack again. When he had reached in to retrieve the message for the King he had been surprised to feel two letters inside. One had been the recognisable scroll with the King of France’s seal that he had passed to King Henry. But what of the second message in his knapsack? Thomas pulled out a smaller folded note. It was sealed, an image of a large tree stamped into the bright red wax. On the opposite side was simply written Messenger. Thomas looked around him, saw no one nearby, and broke the seal with a decisive crack before unfolding the message and reading its contents.

 

My dear Messenger,

Someone unknown moves against the peace that exists between us. The great friendship toasted at the Field of Cloth of Gold is over yet the main protagonists are not our Kings. Dark forces move against them and good people are slain. Be on your guard for treachery exists close by. I hope you do come back.

C

 

C. He thought for the briefest of moments, it must be Catherine. She speaks of treachery and the end of peace. Thomas thought of the commotion of his last visit to the palace, the death of Arnauld. Was it an accident or was there something more sinister at work here? He thought again of the attack on him, had the giant really been after the words he carried?

Only a few months ago, the Kings of England and France had entertained each other in a magnificent display of friendship and excess. Although only relatively recent the event, known as the Field of Cloth of Gold, had already become legendary. Thousands of tents had covered the earth at Balinghem near Calais to house the magnificent entourages that each King had brought to the occasion. Games, feasts and entertainment had been plenty and the two Kings had embraced each other as never before. To anyone who witnessed the events you would believe that conflict could never be a proposition again. A union of the greatest countries in the world was being cemented for all time. There were still some who spoke negatively of the closeness, fearing that England was embracing a foreign power for ill reason but they were a minority. It had seemed the two countries were unified and yet, just these short months later, dark clouds were hanging over the two Kings and it would seem the friendship was over just as it had begun.

Thomas was troubled not only by the suggestion of treachery at Court but by the fact that Catherine took the risk to tell him this much in the first place. Why did she give me a letter? Thomas thought. Why not just raise this with the councillors? What possible reason could she have for thinking that by telling me, I could do anything about it?
 
 

He burnt the letter on one of the torches that illuminate the gardens, the paper slowly blackened, curling and disappearing in front of his eyes, bright red embers danced into the night sky carried high by the flames. It was dusk and he sought the shelter of the horse yard where he could sit in the hay and think. He pondered doing nothing, after all what could he do? But Thomas felt that he needed to talk to someone about the letter, he needed to establish if there was any truth in the suggestion that Arnauld was murdered. He would talk to Charles Baker. The only man left in his life whom he could call a friend.
 
 

+++++++

 

Charles Baker rubbed his eye sockets for a long time before he raised his head and looked at Thomas with disbelief. ‘Are you aware what you are saying Thomas?’ He said.

Thomas nodded. He had just told Charles of the letter he had received from someone in the French Court concerned at treachery that was leading their two countries to war.

‘The treachery is the letter. Someone is trying to deceive you.’ Charles studied Thomas.

‘But Arnauld’s death if it was an accident should have no bearing on relations.’ Thomas replied.

‘It is not as simple as that Thomas. There is an underlying tension between our two countries, there always has been. Sometimes it can be papered over with politeness, gifts and wagers, think of Balinghem. But false smiles hide venom and hatred. There is hostility with France because they have insulted the King and revealed their true perceptions of us. They do not want us as allies they want our land and wealth and that alone. We need to destroy them Thomas, and we will.’

Thomas couldn’t believe the conviction and disdain of the words being spoken. Once again the soldiers would march, once again they would fall. Blood would seep into the ground from the dead of English and French armies. It had happened time and again in history and now it was about to happen all over again. Thomas had seen war, had lived war and he had did not ever want to see it again.

‘The world is a dark, cruel place. People fight, people die. People get sick, people die. Good lord, Thomas there are hundreds of children dying every day right here in London, on the Kings doorstep. There are always wars going on whether it is between countries, between disease and people or between neighbours. War is a fact of life. Horror is a fact of life.’ Charles said coldly.

‘But it has not been a part of our lives for many years. Will you raise the possibility of treachery with the King and your people? Ensure there is no deception leading you to war?’ Thomas asked.

‘Do not worry I will be raising any concerns with the King directly. Now you need to get some rest, you are a Kings messenger Thomas, keep your mind focused on that. We will need you shortly so stay close.’

‘You will talk to the King?’

‘I will go there immediately. You need to rest, be back here in one hour.’

Thomas considered riding for Jasmines little house in the village. He could be there in her arms in a couple of hours, but his mind was full of suspicion about the letter he had received. He would have to wait until there was some news from Charles before seeing Jasmine again. Thomas walked from the palace entrance into the gardens that spread out before him. Although it was dark, torches illuminated some of the closer paths. As he walked the pathways he thought of the letter he had received, it was still inconceivable to him that someone in the French court had singled him out, had attempted to communicate in that way. The French, how could he trust them over his own people? Thomas’s mind turned to drink. He needed a drink.

‘Help!’

The cry was a sudden loudness in the dark surroundings that was almost instantly cut off. Thomas’s mind was alerted by the desperation in the voice, his eyes strained in the darkness, the shout had come from close by somewhere up ahead. It was a woman’s voice and sounded terrified.

He ran forward, feeling for the pathway as he went. There was a noise ahead, then, as he turned a corner he saw several men surrounding a young lady. She was partially clothed and lying on her back, her arms pinned down by two of them. Thomas recognised several of the men in the torchlight, they were members of the Court and they were raping this lady.

‘Get away from her!’ Thomas shouted. The men recoiled away from the woman and turned as if connected to each other. Thomas lunged forward and pulled the girl to her feet.

‘What the hell do you want?’ One of the men asked of Thomas.

‘My lady, go to the Palace, now!’ Thomas spoke urgently and gathered her clothing together, quickly placing it over her body before walking her in the direction he had just come from.

Then he felt a hand on his shoulder, he flinched and turned, the shoulder had not healed yet. Just as he did so a fist landed squarely in his face and he fell to the ground. The girl screamed briefly before running back to the Palace. Thomas rolled on to his back, his face numb from the sudden attack. He glanced along the pathway and was relieved to see that none of the men had gone after the girl.

‘We’re going to break your face you bastard.’ One of the men spoke. Thomas had to stop himself from smiling because the man had a particularly elegant sounding voice which was completely at odds with the words he had just uttered, Thomas had no fear.

‘Who is this idiot?’ Another man spoke before kicking out with his right foot at Thomas’s legs.

‘I’ve seen him before. He is one of the messengers.’

‘Get up!’

Thomas wiped a hand over his face then got to his feet slowly.

‘You should be delivering letters messenger, not sticking your nose into my business.’ The figure snarled menacingly.

Thomas studied the man who had spoken. He was a similar height to his own but he was also fat. Thomas recognised him as Richard Manfield, he was the brother of one of the senior members of the Kings personal staff. Many people shied away from him aware of the connections to powerful individuals. Thomas did not.

‘What is your business apart from raping young women? Or is that all you do?’ Thomas replied to the fat man.

‘Maybe you do not recognise me, Messenger,’ Richard Manfield sneered, ‘I have powerful friends here.’

‘A man who mentions his powerful friends as eagerly as you is covering up for the fact that they have no power themselves. If you walk away now, then I won’t hurt you.’

Richard Manfield’s face looked shocked for the briefest moment, and then he turned and studied the faces of those around him before settling his eyes back on Thomas and laughing. ‘What is your name?’ He asked as the laughter died away.

‘Thomas Cunningham.’

‘Well Thomas Cunningham, you are a dead man.’

Now it was Thomas’s turn to laugh. The men surrounding him looked on incredulously, as if not believing he had heard correctly. Then Thomas stopped laughing and fixed Manfield with a cold stare. A few days ago he would not have put up much resistance; he could have been beaten up and left for dead. But he was curious about the note from Catherine. It had been given to him for a reason and Thomas was not going to go until he had found that reason.

Thomas dusted himself down, stooping slightly then moved forward so quickly that Richard Manfield had no opportunity to defend himself before he was head butted violently, sending him crashing backwards against the floor. He hit hard, his hands at his face trying to stem the blood that flowed from his nose. The other men watched him amazed before turning their attention back to Thomas.

‘Who’s next?’ Thomas asked, eager for the fight. But the men were not looking at him anymore, they looked past him. Thomas turned and saw Charles Baker with several guardsmen.

‘No one is next Thomas, come with me.’

‘But these men were raping a young woman Sir, they should be arrested.’

‘They will be dealt with, I assure you.’

Thomas turned back to the men who stared arrogantly at him. He spat at Richard Manfield who was still prone on the ground and then turned and walked away.

‘Thomas, that is not wise.’ Charles muttered as the two men began to walk back to the palace gates.

‘Wise? They are rapists.’

‘They are connected at Court Thomas. You should tread very carefully.’

‘They are weak.’

‘If they are weak in body Thomas, they are not necessarily weak in mind or friends.’

‘Are you arresting them?’

‘I told you Thomas, I will deal with this.’

‘Did you see the girl?’

‘No.’

‘Make sure you do, she looks a mess but she should testify.’

‘Thomas, you have a mission to complete. Put your mind to that and let me worry about things here. I cannot have you trying to get killed when we have a job to do.’

‘I was not trying to get killed Charles.’

Charles stopped walking for a moment as they neared the palace entrance. He turned and faced Thomas. ‘You bait death like no man I have ever met. Any opportunity to risk your life and you take it.’

‘If I wanted death that much I would have stayed in the military.’

Thomas watched Charles study him for a long moment, before he replied ‘Thomas, you are a sorry soul and death is going to come for you.’

‘I will embrace it.’ Thomas replied almost defiantly.

Charles turned back to the Palace, ‘Come on, the King is waiting and I need to talk to him before you enter. Wait outside the door until I call for you.

 

+++++++

 

Thomas took off his helmet and sword and walked into the narrow corridor leading to the Kings quarters. He had heard Charles call for him. It was time.

Two men of the Kings guard stood in front of the door but moved aside as Thomas neared.

He entered the room and saw the King in discussion with Charles Baker. They both turned to the doorway as he entered.

‘Ah, Cunningham is it not?’ The King asked.

‘Yes Your Majesty.’

The King reached over to a large table by his side and held out a folded and sealed document. Thomas approached and took it.

‘I want you to take this to the Earl of Somerset.’

‘Yes Sire.’

‘Please do not be like so many of my messengers by being slow about it, I would like some speed now and again.’

‘Of course Your Majesty.’

‘Good. Some of them forget that they carry my word and I expect haste. I think our mutual friend Charles here is too soft on them.’

Thomas glanced towards Charles who feigned innocence.

The King turned his attention back to Thomas, ‘But, I should not paint you with that same brush for I know your haste. Go.’

‘Yes Your Majesty.’ Thomas glanced at Charles who nodded very slightly before Thomas turned and left the room. He strode out of the Kings quarters and turned right towards the main hall, placing his helmet securely he then tied his sword around his waist. Buttoning his tunic he passed through the hall and into the entrance of the palace before exiting and turning for the stables.

Placing the message into his knapsack he mounted and headed towards the Gatehouse, the torch’s crackled in the near blackness as he passed under the archways through a tunnel of dancing light and into the surrounding streets.

Somerset. A more straightforward journey than Paris, but it was in the wrong direction to speak to Jasmine or Catherine. Never mind, his chance would come soon surely, until then he would gallop as fast as he could for the King.

 

Chapters

7

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Jannypeacock wrote 606 days ago

I’m starting to think this site is turning me into a historical fiction reader. Never thought that would happen, but I guess I’m learning something new. I quite liked this. I’m not sure the short pitch worked for me, it kind of jerked. But I did really like the long pitch and it got me excited about reading.
The first paragraph jumps from the present to the conditional and back to the present again before the past. I very much like the drama of those opening sentences but I just wonder about how they’re phrased.
Very nice description. Paints a good background picture without dragging on. Great balance.
As I read on I like the setting more and more. It has a very cinematic feel and makes the action very vivid.
Nice conflict between characters. Although there is some slight repetition interwoven as the characters develop.
I liked the pacing, I think it was the dialogue that worked so well. Very apt for the period and really move things along very well.
Sorry if this is a bit disjointed. I commented as I read and I hope I made some sense.

dee farrell wrote 653 days ago

A strong first chapter with all the elements of a good story: a hero at odds with himself, adventure, intrigue, mystery. " A storm in a cup", indeed, but who will be the one to drink it? I also like the psychological struggles of the main character ("I fight myself") rippling through the undercurrent in the larger conflict. It always makes it more interesting for the reader to develop the story on more than one level. A nice strong plot.

Dee Farrell
Warrior Heart

Nigel Fields wrote 681 days ago

Your beginning has a lot going for it. You orient us and then get right into vivid action. I love the lines: "I have nothing." He muttered to the wind that rattled past his sun dried face. And the last line of chapter one is a good hook. I'll pop back for more and will rate then.
Welcome.
John Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Julie_Undead wrote 218 days ago

Hello Peter!
I am not a historical fiction reader by nature, and was really surprised to find how drawn into The Horseback Messenger I became! There is a warmth to your MC that makes him very realistic, and your dialogue is what really hooked me. I am a sucker for good dialogue, and this is it. Believable, emotional, well-placed and polished. Each chapter ends on an upswing that makes me want more. I think when I hear the genre "historical fiction" I think of a story that already has an ending, one that I cannot dream up as I go, but this work has a great air of mystery about it, and I feel invested in its outcome. A beautiful job, Peter, and one I look forward to shelving.

--Julie
Running Home

benedict wrote 246 days ago

Hi there, Peter,

You've been one of my longest standing backers but I somehow never left a comment on your book before. I did start reading it a long time ago but never left a comment. I'm really sorry about that but to make up for it I've read a good chunk now and am here with some very detailed crit for you. I hope it helps.

Story wise, this is a lot of fun. A sixteenth century British western of sorts, you quickly grab the reader's attention with the fight with the giant and the pace doesn't really let up at any point in the opening. Your MC is very likeable and an enigmatic character, we soon want to know why he wants to kill himself and the significance of his pendant.

I liked the scenes at court, though I thought readers of historical fiction might have been after some more little details to luxuriate in. I enjoyed meeting King Henry briefly and all the intrigue going on behind the scenes. Your MC is an interesting character being not an aristocrat but privy to secrets and responsibilities.

Overall this is a very enjoyable adventure which I'm sure will unfold in a grand fashion.

Here are the notes I made as I read. I hope they are useful to you, though you're free to ignore any you don't agree with. I think a quick read through of the book for such small errors could really help.

Chapter One
To the west an expanse of flat landscape criss-crossed far away by the main routes to THE CAPITAL from the coastal town of Harwich.
England’s largest city, TOO far away to be seen.
- both these changes help avoid the repetition of LONDON
-plus the hyphen in criss-cross
He pressed HARDER against the metal, the skin breaking,
?

his horse, Tempest, following dutifully behind.
-commas, here they are optional but I think it flows better

He rose TO his feet but the blade was coming at

The sun-drenched trees gave way to darkness,
-hyphen

The eyes silently stared as a corner of the Giant's mouth curled.
apostrophe - you miss a lot of these possessive apostrophes

hidden knife sprang from nowhere catching Thomas ON his right thigh

The two swords connected, piercing the air with the sound of metal upon metal. A stroke was parried then another.
-comma and I split it into two sentences

The giant's fear materialised before him as Thomas stabbed with his sword, catching him in the throat.
-apostrophe and comma

Thomas was breathing hard, he had not killed a man for many years and, when he had, he had known why. THERE'D BEEN a reason, a purpose.
-commas and correction to avoid all those hads!

asked his white-bearded face full of concern.
-hyphen

‘We have been waiting for you. This way,
- two sentences

and Thomas, noticing THERE WERE several other men present, made

The heavily-jewelled fingers
-hyphen

and heard the King's voice muttering to his advisors.
-apostrophe

tantalising sight of trees beyond, he sat and drank
-comma

office after that King's passing he
-apostrophe

built and still a strong horseman and capable WITH A SWORD. He was

Thomas had a regular interaction with and the only man HE could consider a friend now.

‘What is happening, Charles?’ The clear sky was
-comma

immediately saw the wax seal of the King and, as his hand closed around the message, he felt it was still
2 commas

‘That is precisely the question everyone is ASKING but the French
-sounds better

the giant to Charles, but there seemed little point. The man had enough problems to deal with and the giant WAS SURELY no longer a problem,

‘Everyone will be busy tonight, Thomas. Events
looked intensely upon him, ‘I think some hard times lay ahead, Thomas
‘Thank you, Charles.’ He held
always a comma before the name of the person being addressed.

He held out a hand which Charles shook, looking quizzically at him.
-comma

‘Indeed. You SHOW/ DISPLAY your heart through your face
-sounded odd

days. In the MEANTIME I will recover the body. If
-one word plus split into two sentences at end.

is any chance the man is known to us, we will find out.
-comma

Charles Baker's last words to him rang
deliver the King's letter.
-apostrophe

NOTHING IN CHAPTER TWO

Chapter Three

Richard's face
-apostrophe

‘He feels the same. He mentions you every day
- two sentences

He was in a room. Intense pain,
- two sentences

was not the time. Light came back
delete "for" and split in two sentences

‘He is in the stable. He’s fine.’
- two sentences, or you could put a semi-colon if you think the two sentences are linked.

King's messenger
-apostrophe

‘Thank you, Sir, I am indebted to you.’
-comma

Though it hurt, Thomas turned onto his stomach.
-comma

there are many demons in me and, though I try to forget them, they ARE ALWAYS able to find me.’
-comma and correction

‘I would like that, Thomas Cunningham.’
-comma

Six stars for a fantastic, adventurous beginning.

Many thanks for all your support and best of luck with your own rise towards the E.D.

Best wishes,

Benedict

Tod Schneider wrote 295 days ago

Very dramatic opening paragraph! The battle with the mute giant was well orchestrated, quite harrowing. This is good, visual story telling. Good descriptions, and the dialog has a nice ring to it. Good stuff. Best of luck with this!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Ron Mitchell wrote 321 days ago

Overall, this is an intriguing story which draws the reader to find out more of the mission Thomas was on. The mystery of the giant man and thefight that ensued at the beginning is tense and paints a good picture for the reader. It is a great hook into a good story. I did not see a whole lot of typos, etc. I give you high stars for this one. Best of luck and I appreciate your support of December Gold.

Debbie R wrote 329 days ago

I don't usually read historical fiction but I enjoyed the first few chapters here. I liked the fact you got straight into the story with the MC trying to kill himself and of course, I shall continue to read on untilk I find out why. There is plenty of action and you describe the fighht between the MC and the 'giant' very well. Again, more questions, why did this stranger want to kill Thomas?
There were 2 typos is came across - both in chapter 1 - The gians (giant's) fear materialised ...'
and 'Head of the kings (king's) .

You write with a good pace and have a really strong MC in Thomas Cunningham. I think this will do well.

High stars and wishing you all the very best with it.
Debbie
Speedy McCready

Andrew Esposito wrote 346 days ago

Peter, I've reviewed the first few chapters of The Horseback Messenger and found it to be a rollicking read! There is a lot of action and drama when Thomas encounters the young giant. The opening scene of suicide contemplation is a good hook, Thomas forced to fight for his life a good irony. With the revelation that the giant was an intended assassin, the plot lifts to another level of intrigue.

The character of Thomas is likeable and a worthy hero. It think you have chosen a difficult time period for a first novel, the dialogue is strong, but may be a bit modern for the early 1500s. The feel of the storyline is quite cinematic - a good thing as accurate dialogue rarely worries Hollywood and seldom curtails a good story's success! I think the dialogue does need revision, if only for the usual minor typos etc.

Over-all, the plot is tight and well constructed. There is one line to edit 'made to kick' and I think with the seven foot giant, Thomas's 'kick to his head' is a little implausible! I'm not sure on Thomas's use of a glass bottle for drinking - it probably needs a little historical research, perhaps an oilskin pouch is a better fit?

Peter, I enjoyed reading The Horseback Messenger, I think you have the makings of good novel. Best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

fledglingowl wrote 387 days ago

Peter, not bad to have the name of a famous detective.
The Horseback Messenger has a lot to recommend it. You have a strong plot and work it well. There were a few slips, but we all have those. I plan to keep you on my watchlist and read a lot more before backing. High stars though.
Ignore the nitpicking that follows, only offered to help.
I like Thomas, loved the fight with the giant and his reception scene back at the castle.
Cover : like it, made me pick the book because I was expecting a western.
Pitch: Short pitch okay, missing period at end. Long pitch, found a couple of small things. 'The King's only son is a bastard and illegible' -- maybe inelgible
'a healthy legitimate son elludes him -- maybe eludes him
Second paragraph use brink twice, maybe on the edge instead in one place. Pitch could be expanded.
I only read chapter one.
Personally I find books with suicidal characters disturbing and as a rule I never read them. It says a lot for your writing that you have created a powerful and very sympathetic character in Thomas. The fight with the mute giant was well written, but the first wound surprised me since I thought Cunningham was incompetent in his suicide attempt. Made me read it twice. Maybe a little line to indicate the introduction of another person first, but no, the surprise element would be lost. Okay, but not sure about him trying so hard to pierce the matted hair at his throat. I married a gorilla, but the hair on his throat isn't that thick.
Only a couple more. Hope you get a chance to read some of mine and return the favor. You really do have a great story here.
'The sun was beginning to lower in the sky but it was as hot and foul smelling as ever.' ( a pretty long nose)
-- but the air was as hot and foul smelling as ever.
But a few sentences later you say, 'The clear sky darkening quickly, the night would be cold. (well, we all blow hot and cold at times)
Hope to read more soon.
Good luck in your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

R.J. Stanley wrote 416 days ago

Hi Peter,

Great story! I love your writing style, its very flowing and poetic which is perfect for the setting of the story. Gave you a great star rating!

Love for you to take a look at my book if you have a chance.

Thanks!
RJ Stanley
Why Didn't Someone Tell Me? The Truth About Love.

Fred Le Grand wrote 417 days ago

Hi.
Good bits and bad bits:
Good: starts wit action and makes you want to read on. The characterisation of the MC is fairly good though his thoughts could be a bit clearer. The sections of the first chapter are short and tha is good for the pace.
Bad: your punctuation is terrible (so is mine BTW).
Action sequences: The word ‘and’ has no place in an action sequence. Cut it.
Use short sentences and short paragraphs.
Look carefully at the verbs. Pierce, cut, thrust, parry, slash, stab are words that can make a whole sentence in an action sequence. Don't give them time to sip their coffee.
Avoid passive sentences. As a project manager writing a report you get used to doing that, but in fiction writing you shoud avoid.
Read the dialogue aloud. Does it sound as you would say it yourself at the time?
The first couple of paragraphs are too long in their descriptions. It's a bit like describing sunsets. It makes agents laugh.
You have the bare bones here. Revise the action so it reads 'staccato' not 'piano'.
That's my advice for what it's worth.
I like the story itself and if you revise, let me know and I'll consider backing it.
Read 'Self-editing for Fiction Writers' by Renni Browne and Dave KIng - changed my writing forever (available on Amazon).

rikasworld wrote 421 days ago

Really enjoyed this first chapter. it was extremely professionally written and exciting as well as authentic sounding. I think you set up an interesting character, initially suicidal in a beautiful place, very intriguing. On my watchlist to read more and for a bookshelf place when one becomes available.

riantorr wrote 422 days ago

Your opening makes me wonder, who are the minority who can see their own death coming?

Best Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

Margaret Anthony wrote 451 days ago

As a lover of historical fiction it was a pleasure to find this book. Your writing transports me into the era with ease and I can imagine the time taken to research is partly responsible, it shows throughout the story.
I see others have commented on the need for tightening the prose, looking at the use of too many 'hads,' etc so there is no need for me to take that any further.
What is impressive is the insight into 16th century England and your ability to tell a story. Great subject matter and a lot of potential I think and I look forward to reading more. Starred and for a place on my shelf. Margaret.

Ann Campbell wrote 454 days ago

I've only read chap. 1 and the beginning of 2 but have watchlisted. Very impressive. Great opening paragraph followed by good description of place with intimations of the personality of Thomas (hates London loves countryside, for example) and conflicts. existing and impending. Two nice twists: he's drunk and his anger lifts him out of his depression--realistic. Good period detail, just enough for reader to see the horse dashing over the cobbles as crowds part.
A few nitpicks, though writing is excellent mostly. "Kings" needs apostrophe as in "King's messenger" etc. Three e.g.s without it in two paras.
Light streams through 'thin glass'--in contrast to the usual thick glass of the era? Some readers might not know this.
The dialog is mostly good, nothing too archaic but no distracting modern phrases or anachronisms, except for "depressive" in Chap 2. I don't think this was used until last century, something like "subject to melancholia" or "fits of melancholia" would work better. Also, when Thomas is speaking to Henry he would always have ended with "Sire" (where he didn't say 'your majesty') as in "No, Sire". Plain "No" would have been seen as disrespectful, maybe rebelliously so.
Very good fierce action scene with the 'Idiot', sustained and realistic.
Anne.
Will you look at "Polly" and give feedback?

Philchurch77 wrote 456 days ago

I really liked your long pitch which promised plenty of action and excitement. I love history, and your cover reminded me of a solitary guman in a Western, which is always a good thing. The writing was very atmospheric and I felt the character was developing at a good pace, this chapter finishing with a promising cliffhanger. If I had to be critical I would say that you use too many qualifiers and adjectives - I would enjoy the writing more if it was sparser and even more intense. Will look forward to reading more.

Phil Church

scargirl wrote 462 days ago

good moving dialogue, good layers to the storyline. historical fiction always grabs me, and i like this story coming from the messenger.
j
what every woman should know

leeconnor wrote 467 days ago

As you know I've only just joined Authonomy and the best thing about it so far has been reading books that ordinarily I wouldnt have 'gone for' in a conventional bookshop - your novel falls into that category Peter. I've only read the first two chapters but your story has certainly gripped me and I will definitely be heading back for more. Its so good to read about English history - brought to life in this way. If you've grabbed my attention you must be doing something right! Well done Peter.

Joanna Stephen-Ward wrote 508 days ago

I would change the first line. My immediate reaction was, 'Yes, everyone knows that, why is he stating the obvious?' Something more like inserting 'they die' after ''when and where' in the next line.

Otherwise it's a compelling read.

You will need to get it edited for punctuation, and some of your sentesnses are clumsy - for an example check out the last para of Ch1. I suggest something like the following would be an improvement. The message was in his knapsack. Thomas and his horse trotted eastwards through the streets to deliver the king's word. He wondered how the contents would change the world.

Because the plot line and theme are compelling I've put it on my shelf.

Best of luck with it.

Joanna

Bria Heart wrote 510 days ago

Read your first chapter.
It is really well written with a great plot start off. It is a tad confusing at first, but as I read on I saw that it flowed well.
The title is perfect for the book.
No mistakes that I could see.
Very well done.

Bria Heart <3

Nigel Fields wrote 540 days ago

Chapter four. Great contrast between Anne and Catherine. Nicely done all round. I do think, though, that instead of telling us that Thomas was taken aback, you could describe it with more effect. Five stars.
Cheers!
JBC

jrapilliard wrote 604 days ago

Dear Peter, I have just backed your book. Perhaps you could return the favour and back mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith. If you do, many thanks. Best wishes, John

Jannypeacock wrote 606 days ago

I’m starting to think this site is turning me into a historical fiction reader. Never thought that would happen, but I guess I’m learning something new. I quite liked this. I’m not sure the short pitch worked for me, it kind of jerked. But I did really like the long pitch and it got me excited about reading.
The first paragraph jumps from the present to the conditional and back to the present again before the past. I very much like the drama of those opening sentences but I just wonder about how they’re phrased.
Very nice description. Paints a good background picture without dragging on. Great balance.
As I read on I like the setting more and more. It has a very cinematic feel and makes the action very vivid.
Nice conflict between characters. Although there is some slight repetition interwoven as the characters develop.
I liked the pacing, I think it was the dialogue that worked so well. Very apt for the period and really move things along very well.
Sorry if this is a bit disjointed. I commented as I read and I hope I made some sense.

HorsebackMessenger wrote 628 days ago

Ok. I enjoyed the story here - kept me reading for two chapters before I had to go out. I had no problems with the voice, the storyline or your writing ability. I have a couple of points which you might want to consider or just put down to just being my opinion as one reader.

As I said, a really enjoyble read that I want to read more of. I pointed out what jarred for me and you can ignore of course. Shall watchlist for now to read more.
Cariad.



Hi there,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my novel, your insight is really useful. I'm going to take a look tonight and think about some of the points you raise. Have a good day and thanks again :-)

Pete

Cariad wrote 628 days ago

Ok. I enjoyed the story here - kept me reading for two chapters before I had to go out. I had no problems with the voice, the storyline or your writing ability. I have a couple of points which you might want to consider or just put down to just being my opinion as one reader:

Overall, I thought the first chapter could do with a bit of an edit to trim out uneeded words. You have a lot of great, atmospheric description but sometimes repeat. Small point when the dawn comes - you could say woken again, or just awoken? something odd about awoken again, might just be me.

Having read the first two chapters I was wondering 1. Why is he sitting around like he is when later he dashes off to deliver his message? What reason does he have to want to die so much? We don't know and he seems to have forgotten it once he's delivering the message.

You could trim the description of the dawn some I think, you have some repetition there. You could also trim the fight scene. It's very vivid and exciting make no mistake, but sometimes less is more - with maybe some variation of sentence length to mirrror the pace of the action. He wonders why the man attacked him. As a reader my first assumption (not knowing if there's been a battle and soldiers wandering about or something) that it's probably because he's a messenger and someone wants what he's carrying, but he doesn't seem to consider this.

You also say 'bloodshed and noise had existed in theis place for the briefest of moments...' but to the reader it seemed like quite a long time, so that jarred. I was then confused because he'd taken some very serious sword cuts - a sword could take off an arm - to his neck, shoulder, leg, arm, and yet once he gallops off to deliver the message, he seems happy to sit about passing them off as 'a stray branch' or sitting around eating in an inn or chatting to people. He'd be liable to bleed to death, or get blood poisoning. He would really need to get urgent medical help for wounds like those. Especially if it really was a 'rusty blade.'

As I said, a really enjoyble read that I want to read more of. I pointed out what jarred for me and you can ignore of course. Shall watchlist for now to read more.
Cariad.

junetee wrote 632 days ago

Good pitch, worked for me.
Great m/c.
I enjoyed the conflict, it was written with imagination.
You have set a picture of the messengers surroundings extremely well. I feel I am there.
I give it 6 stars
Junetee(Four Corners)

HorsebackMessenger wrote 633 days ago

I just joined authonomy, so please forgive me if I mis-speak. That said, I absolutely love the mystery and intrigue of this story and would definitely read more. You have created a main character that I can care about. However, I find the dialogue just a bit stiff at times (perhaps that is normal in your environment), and it could be overlooked, but the "romantic" side of the Horseman does not seem to develop well. That, also, could be overlooked, as it is secondary to the story, unless the story wraps up with a romantic climax. Otherwise, love the story! Well done.



Hi there,
Welcome to Authonomy and please never worry about writing your opinion, it's important to know you can 'speak' freely. I think you are right about the romantic side of the main character. I have created him to be someone who has never been close to a woman, has never known a mother, and so is very poor at recognising feelings for someone of the opposite sex. Towards the end of the novel this is revisited a little. Thank you so much for your feedback!

GRHWagner wrote 633 days ago

I just joined authonomy, so please forgive me if I mis-speak. That said, I absolutely love the mystery and intrigue of this story and would definitely read more. You have created a main character that I can care about. However, I find the dialogue just a bit stiff at times (perhaps that is normal in your environment), and it could be overlooked, but the "romantic" side of the Horseman does not seem to develop well. That, also, could be overlooked, as it is secondary to the story, unless the story wraps up with a romantic climax. Otherwise, love the story! Well done.

Intriguing Trails wrote 633 days ago

The Horseback Messenger
Fiction, historic fiction 3rd person POV

I've read the prologue and most of Ch 1 and will comment to that extent.

This is a compelling read and I look forward to returning to read more of it. The pace is very quick with a strong start - begining with the MC fighting for his life.

The energy in this novel is engaging and pulls the reader along. The MC is strongly characterized. I think the MS would benefit from dropping the narrative voice.

The mechanics; I think there were several missing commas, but I tend to overuse them. There were some sentences that would have been better broken into 2, they ran on. The word Horse, I think isn't a proper name so shouldn't be upper case, though it might be intended. I was a little confused in the begining. If the MC is drunken, perhaps it is a stretch to be able to fight so effectively. Also, I didn't follow how he went from being on the verge of commiting suicide and suddenly fighting someone. If he had his own sword at his throat, why didn't he have it in his hand? It just seemed a little jumbled and confusing.

I love the subject matter and intend to read more. If you have time, would you take a look at Echo and let me know what you think? Thanks!

Raechel
Echo

HorsebackMessenger wrote 633 days ago

Hi Peter, welcome to the site. You'll read some great books here. Everyone is so talented, and they are all really nice.
I'm really enjoying reading your book. I love history, particularly Tudor and Victorian, so I'm pleased to see it on site. Your book has a great leading character and you describe the time well. I love the interaction between Thomas and his horse, Tempest. Just one or two blimps; You use capital letters in the wrong places (like Horse for instance) and when Thomas is conteplating killing himself you say his sword hilt is resting in earth as he presses his chest against the blade, yet when he is being attacked, his sword is still attached to his horse; It maybe that he was dreaming that he was pressing against his sword, and that it was really still attatched to his horse, but it might help to make it a little clearer. Also, you need to use more full stops to break the sentences up a little. This is just my opinion, and the typos don't distract from what is an excellent m/s. Good Luck with it,
Backed with stars and on w/l.

Kate Grimes -LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES - TALES OF WILLOW GREEN -ANNIE.



Hi Kate,
Thank you so much for taking time to read a few chapters of my novel, feedback seems so hard to get and I cannot tell you how pleased I am to hear your opinion. I have definitely got some issues in there and capitalisation is something I am working towards resolving, and your point about the sword hilt is bang on, I did not make it clear and I will do so. I hope you have a lovely day, you have brightened mine up for sure.
Pete

kategrimes@live.co.uk wrote 633 days ago

Hi Peter, welcome to the site. You'll read some great books here. Everyone is so talented, and they are all really nice.
I'm really enjoying reading your book. I love history, particularly Tudor and Victorian, so I'm pleased to see it on site. Your book has a great leading character and you describe the time well. I love the interaction between Thomas and his horse, Tempest. Just one or two blimps; You use capital letters in the wrong places (like Horse for instance) and when Thomas is conteplating killing himself you say his sword hilt is resting in earth as he presses his chest against the blade, yet when he is being attacked, his sword is still attached to his horse; It maybe that he was dreaming that he was pressing against his sword, and that it was really still attatched to his horse, but it might help to make it a little clearer. Also, you need to use more full stops to break the sentences up a little. This is just my opinion, and the typos don't distract from what is an excellent m/s. Good Luck with it,
Backed with stars and on w/l.

Kate Grimes -LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES - TALES OF WILLOW GREEN -ANNIE.

jrapilliard wrote 642 days ago

Hi, I've just backed your book. Perhaps, you could return the compliment and back mine, The British Viking. If you do, many thanks
Best wishes,
John.

dee farrell wrote 653 days ago

A strong first chapter with all the elements of a good story: a hero at odds with himself, adventure, intrigue, mystery. " A storm in a cup", indeed, but who will be the one to drink it? I also like the psychological struggles of the main character ("I fight myself") rippling through the undercurrent in the larger conflict. It always makes it more interesting for the reader to develop the story on more than one level. A nice strong plot.

Dee Farrell
Warrior Heart

strachan gordon wrote 676 days ago

Welcome to Authonomy , I know the feeling - it seems very confusing , but you'll soon find your sealegs ,and one thing I'll tell you, it can be an absolutely fascinating experience , I'll say no more , you'll find out for yourself. Looking at your MS I think its best to start with the date, to give people a chance to orientate themselves - this is what I usually do - in other words before the opening paragraph. I think the description of the attack is very effective , the more so for being long drawn out , you need to put the audience on the rack , authors often tend to be too brief and miss the chance to build up tension (this is the kind of thing I'm guilty of).I've only read the first chapter , so I'll come back to you with more feedback , if you wish.I wonder if you would be kind enough to take a look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' ,which is about Pirates in the 17th century ,best wishes, Strachan Gordon. On my watchlist.

HorsebackMessenger wrote 678 days ago

Your beginning has a lot going for it. You orient us and then get right into vivid action. I love the lines: "I have nothing." He muttered to the wind that rattled past his sun dried face. And the last line of chapter one is a good hook. I'll pop back for more and will rate then.
Welcome.
John Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)



Hi John,
Thank you for your feedback, it is much appreciated. I have only just joined the community and will spend some time this weekend orienting myself. I have noticed Walk to Paradise Garden and will check it out over the coming days. Thanks,
Pete

Su Dan wrote 681 days ago

very good book- you use brilliant dialogue to help 'paint' your character. this is helped with flowing narrative...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Nigel Fields wrote 681 days ago

Your beginning has a lot going for it. You orient us and then get right into vivid action. I love the lines: "I have nothing." He muttered to the wind that rattled past his sun dried face. And the last line of chapter one is a good hook. I'll pop back for more and will rate then.
Welcome.
John Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

pilot/writer wrote 682 days ago

I very much enjoy historical fiction and this is no exception. Well done and on my shelf! Henry

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