Cell Phones, Cruises, Boys & Other Teenage Things

HI Alessea,

As promised, I've had a chance to read some of your book. I think what you have here could be really fun, and I know there's an audience for this, I'm guessing the Gossip Girl set. So I think you could have quite a bit of success with this.

I do have some suggestions for making it stronger. These are just one person's opinions, so take them or leave them as you see fit.

I'm having some trouble with the notion of girls this age - and they've been doing it for several years - would go on a cruise unchaperoned. Jessie's dad is portrayed as caring and engaged,not the stereotypical absentee rich father. So it would seem that, if none of the parents went, there would be some sort of parental surrogate in charge, at least on previous trips.

I'll have to confess that I found the relentless repetition of designer names tedious. Have you ever heard of hte writer's maxim "show, don't tell?" You are telling, and with a sledgehammer. YOu did a good job describing the caramel colored hair. Why not describe some of these objects and garments instead of taking the shortcut of naming them. "She swung her bag, of a timeless style once carried by the likes of Elizabeth Taylor, over her shoulder, the buttery tan leather complementing the glinting gold hoops in her ear." Again, instead of describing her father as "the famous movie director," why not something like "John Taressa was best known for high-concept action films that critics hated and audiences loved, to the tune of billions for the studios." Instead of "her hair was in a messy chic bun, " how about "her hair spilled out of its bun, anchored by an ornament of genuine, and probably endangered tortoise shell."

I have to say, the constant talk about the designer duds made the girls seem superficial. If you're going to send them to a deserted island and have us want to take that journey with them, you have to make us interested them. We don't have to like the main character(s) in every book, but we have to find something compelling about them. I don't see that yet. I didn't see a signfiicant differentiation among the characters. What links them as friends, besides their passion for name brand stuff, and what are some areas of potential conflict? Conflict comes from character. If Alice and Kelsey sometimes get into trouble with each other, SHOW (dont' TELL) us that. Some early conflict could be a hook for your story, to keep the reader interested enough to continue reading.

I'm a bit confused about the setting. If there are real places depicted, people like to read about them. I live in Boston, so I got excited when I saw Cambridgeside Galleria. Which turned out to be nothing like the real place. That mall is more Gap than Hermes. So why use that name? And are they in LA? Her father is in the film business, so that's likely. Maybe I'm totally wrong, and there is a Cambridgeside Gallery in LA - I only kow the one in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

I applaud you for writing this together, and your efforts to craft a fun, lighthearted read, I'm guessing aimed at a teen audiences. If you spend some time on crafting something where character and plot lead somewhere, you might just have a winner.

I hope this is helpful. As I said earlier, use or not as you see fit.

I've spend some time here, and I would really appreciate at least a reading and consideration of Animal Cracker.

I wish you much luck with your writing!

All best,
Andi Brown
Animal Cracker

Hi Alessea,
I see Andi's given you a really helpful review below - there's some good advice there. it's possible that the brand names will appeal more to YA than to adults, but overall I agree with her, and show don't tell is very important. Your opening paragraph was great, weaving in description with narrative. You can probably cut "school was done for the year" if you're going to have "she was officially done with the last year of school".
As Andi said, there's a definite market for this - the GG world...
I like the end of your first chapter. Good hook.

HI Alessea,

As promised, I've had a chance to read some of your book. I think what you have here could be really fun, and I know there's an audience for this, I'm guessing the Gossip Girl set. So I think you could have quite a bit of success with this.

I do have some suggestions for making it stronger. These are just one person's opinions, so take them or leave them as you see fit.

I'm having some trouble with the notion of girls this age - and they've been doing it for several years - would go on a cruise unchaperoned. Jessie's dad is portrayed as caring and engaged,not the stereotypical absentee rich father. So it would seem that, if none of the parents went, there would be some sort of parental surrogate in charge, at least on previous trips.

I'll have to confess that I found the relentless repetition of designer names tedious. Have you ever heard of hte writer's maxim "show, don't tell?" You are telling, and with a sledgehammer. YOu did a good job describing the caramel colored hair. Why not describe some of these objects and garments instead of taking the shortcut of naming them. "She swung her bag, of a timeless style once carried by the likes of Elizabeth Taylor, over her shoulder, the buttery tan leather complementing the glinting gold hoops in her ear." Again, instead of describing her father as "the famous movie director," why not something like "John Taressa was best known for high-concept action films that critics hated and audiences loved, to the tune of billions for the studios." Instead of "her hair was in a messy chic bun, " how about "her hair spilled out of its bun, anchored by an ornament of genuine, and probably endangered tortoise shell."

I have to say, the constant talk about the designer duds made the girls seem superficial. If you're going to send them to a deserted island and have us want to take that journey with them, you have to make us interested them. We don't have to like the main character(s) in every book, but we have to find something compelling about them. I don't see that yet. I didn't see a signfiicant differentiation among the characters. What links them as friends, besides their passion for name brand stuff, and what are some areas of potential conflict? Conflict comes from character. If Alice and Kelsey sometimes get into trouble with each other, SHOW (dont' TELL) us that. Some early conflict could be a hook for your story, to keep the reader interested enough to continue reading.

I'm a bit confused about the setting. If there are real places depicted, people like to read about them. I live in Boston, so I got excited when I saw Cambridgeside Galleria. Which turned out to be nothing like the real place. That mall is more Gap than Hermes. So why use that name? And are they in LA? Her father is in the film business, so that's likely. Maybe I'm totally wrong, and there is a Cambridgeside Gallery in LA - I only kow the one in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

I applaud you for writing this together, and your efforts to craft a fun, lighthearted read, I'm guessing aimed at a teen audiences. If you spend some time on crafting something where character and plot lead somewhere, you might just have a winner.

I hope this is helpful. As I said earlier, use or not as you see fit.

I've spend some time here, and I would really appreciate at least a reading and consideration of Animal Cracker.

I wish you much luck with your writing!

All best,
Andi Brown
Animal Cracker

Alessea 3,
Your joint venture "Cell Phones, Cruises, Boys & Other Teenage Things" is a clear invitation to a fun read and does not disappoint. Jessie, Kelsey and Alice while portrayed as rich kids unprepared for the realities of being stranded on an uncharted island, come across as sympathetic with their vulnerabilities surfacing in their struggle against the odds. More power to you.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Great concept for a novel - can see a movie in your future! Backed and starred for great writing so far! Skater