Book Jacket

 

rank 2181
word count 36456
date submitted 12.11.2008
date updated 13.03.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Crime
classification: moderate
complete

Choke Point

John Lumsdon

Espionage! & Subterfuge! The West on the brink of financial collapse! British, American and Russian submarine crews dicing with death in the icy depths.

 

In the tradition of all great spy thrillers, 'Choke Point' is a fascinating tale of espionage and subterfuge. Set against the backdrop of the political alliances formed in the aftermath of the Cold War, 'Choke Point' narrates the dramatic rescue of Nicolai, a computer programmer. Forced to flee with the computer disc which contains information on how the whole financial structure of the West can be brought to its knees, Nicolai is the centre of a dramatic rescue operation involving the best of British submariners and the most machiavellian officers of the Soviet Navy. 'Choke Point' is a must read, and will keep the reader engrossed from the first page to the last.

 
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tags

action, adventure, dramatic rescue., espionage, fiction, financial chaos, romance

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14 comments

 

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Chapters

3

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Pechenga, Norway

 

 

 

    David Stobart had been with British Intelligence for twelve years now. A thick set man, he was what women would call - Rough and Ready although he carried his large frame with some degree of poise. With short cropped hair, well-worn clothing and overcoat he certainly looked like a dockyard worker; or at least he hoped so! At thirty-two years of age David was starting to wonder if he would ever settle down in life. He liked women and they certainly seemed to like him, but he had as yet to find someone who had similar interests to himself. The main love of his life and it always had been, was computers. Most women seemed to lose interest in him rapidly, when he lost himself to a computer programme for a couple of hours on end.

    David had only last month completed a course at Devonport dockyard in Plymouth, so that he would be fully conversant with all manner of welding techniques used in Naval shipbuilding.

    This job is really glamorous, he thought. My feet are freezing and my lips feel like theyre going to stick together any minute.

    He looked down the station platform as a rumbling noise caught his attention.

    At last, he thought, I hope the carriages have some kind of heating, as he frantically rubbed his hands together to generate some warmth. Still, when you get sent to the Artic circle…’

    The old steam locomotive rumbled imposingly into the station and stopped abruptly with a screech of metal and a blast of steam from underneath. It consisted of only half a dozen carriages and seemed fairly empty.

    David selected a seat at the rear of the third carriage, sitting with his back to the toilet and carriage door. Things seemed quiet now that the cold war was over. Ahead of him, halfway down the carriage, an elderly woman struggled to place her heavily laden suitcase into the overhead locker. At the front of the carriage an irate couple were trying in vain to stop their young boy from causing havoc as he ran up and down the carriage screaming. At last he gave everyone some peace, as he became engrossed in drawing a face on the steamed-up carriage window.

    The train was slowing David began to brace himself as it uttered its by now familiar screech and came to a halt. It had only been fifteen minutes and they were already at the Russian border. How David hoped that the train had been full at this moment, as a Russian in military uniform boarded the train.

    At least they havent come mob handed, he thought, and this ones yawning. I hope hes in a rush to get away and off duty.

 

    Dragging his feet the soldier approached the couple further down the carriage.

    God, I hope my papers stand up to scrutiny, he thought.

    Just what options he had, if discovered, came flooding into Davids head. He didnt want the operation to fail at the first hurdle, especially after all the months of planning.

    The young boy at the other end of the carriage, broke off from his window painting and began to pull at the soldiers rifle, as he began to scrutinise the couples papers. Cursing under his breath, the soldier thrust the papers back at the couple, pulled his rifle in towards his side and stomped off towards the carriage door and station platform. David lifted his hand up and wiped the beads of perspiration from his brow.

    How I love young children, he thought to himself.

    The train rumbled on through the night, passing through Kandalaksha, Severodvinsk and Konosha as David slept.

    Jumping up with a start from his motion induced sleep, David grasped at his nose as he opened his eyes. Standing in front of him, with a huge grin on his face, trying to push a straw up his left nostril, was the young boy from down the carriage.

    I take it all back about loving children! he thought, as he gave the boy a glare that would melt a block of ice.

    The boy hesitated for a brief moment and then decided that perhaps he might be wiser trying the old woman halfway down the carriage after all.

    The train journey was going to be a long one, with still over twelve hundred kilometres to go until David reached Vorkuta. He began to repeat the details of the operation over in his mind. His military training had made him very meticulous.

Chapters

3

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Melcom wrote 1200 days ago

You have a great story here, that with a bit of an edit would be a winner.

It was a little adverby in parts and if you take the 'ly' words out (as I have) it will up the pace of your story considerably.

Alos found a couple of nits for you.


Chap 1.
Sould that be, two cup(s) of steaming hot coffee appeared from below.

Chap2.
As you all can se(e)...

Good start, good luck with it.

Melxx
UNICORN
(crime/thriller)

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1505 days ago

This is great. Hunt for Red October, Ice Station Zebra and Das Boot proved that a submarine can be used for thoroughly atmospheric adventures. Your characters are developing well and the different personalities will work as they come together. On my shelf and good luck. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Martin Horton wrote 1505 days ago

Why isn't this higher ranked?

But, I'm going to be honest. Although you are a talented writer, for sure, I am afraid I don't like the subject matter. Perhaps I haven't read enough, which I will, because it's going on my WL, for the reason that you are, without doubt, at the risk of repeating myself, a talented writer, and in my mind that's all that matters here. Everything else is just a matter of taste regarding the theme.

Hmmm. Okay, I'll leave it at that for now. Absolutely no criticism of your writing....so please don't take this as criticism.

Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)
(The Art of Tragedy)

Darren G. Burton wrote 1575 days ago

I've only read a little bit so far, but I'm liking it. I'll put it on my watchlist and have another look later.

Patty wrote 1623 days ago

John,

Some quick comments on the pitch - more later. Heh - I think you have a perfect name to be writing spy novels. reminds me of some other writer.
Anyway - data how the financial system can be brought to its knees is a good hook. Wonder though how current it's going to be. At the moment, the west seems to have little trouble with bringing their own financial system to its knees - no help from others needed ;-)
What year is this set?
The rescue of Nicolai, presumably a spy, kinda smacks of 'Hunt for Red October' - is there a chance you could make it less so?
I think with a premise like this, you need to have a good feel for the market and pitch it to what is currently in vogue. What is the feeling about Cold War novels?

OK, I've now read chapter 1 as well, since it's only short. You introduce Gorkov and his ship, and at the end, he gets a message, but we are not learning what the message is. As hook chapter, it's not much. I hate saying the dreaded 'nothing happens' but that's my feeling. I think you need to include the text of the message, which is presumably the start of the plot. I feel that without it, the chapter doesn't have enough beef. Now this could be a matter of a cut-and-paste.

There are three semicolons in this chapter. The second and third need to be commas.

I'll read on.

Patty wrote 1624 days ago

Sounds interesting. I'll watchlist it.

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1641 days ago

[Point taken; and yes scrambled egg is indeed gold braid. I have added a Glossary as the final chapter, but must confess I did not include scrambled egg! Thanks John L] I have watchlisted this. I like the degree of technical detail you have included, although I have read only a few chapters so far. I like your attention to detail, and although it is possible to have too much, I think you have judged it about right.

A couple of small points. Chap 1, the 'steaming' coffee. Does coffee really steam? Describing the PO Wren's auburn hair as 'beautiful' is not inventive. Not having a navel background, I didn't understand the 'scrambled egg' reference. I assume it is gold braid; is it worth explaining that to the likes of myself?

VVV wrote 1646 days ago

I have watchlisted this. I like the degree of technical detail you have included, although I have read only a few chapters so far. I like your attention to detail, and although it is possible to have too much, I think you have judged it about right.

A couple of small points. Chap 1, the 'steaming' coffee. Does coffee really steam? Describing the PO Wren's auburn hair as 'beautiful' is not inventive. Not having a navel background, I didn't understand the 'scrambled egg' reference. I assume it is gold braid; is it worth explaining that to the likes of myself?

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1646 days ago

[Thanks Desert Cayote - I appreciate that it's easy to get carried away with the tech stuff. I think that when you know it yourself you tend to forget that the reader really only needs to dip their toe into the water and not be flooded with facts/figures - Point taken - thanks.] I've watchlisted this one. It's interesting, the difference between U.S. and British naval parlance (used to the U.S. stuff myself), and through the first two chapters your dialogue is engaging without too much reliance on heavy jargon usage to make it sound authentic. I'm liking it thus far.

Our respective experiences are going to be hugely different, me coming from the writing perspective and you with your living experience, so please take what I say now with a grain of salt about the size of your head. While the technical aspects about the sub and the divers is interesting and (I'm guessing) important to the rest of the book, too much of it in too large of chunks is going to make the reader's eyes glaze over. If I might make one suggestion, break up the tech paragraphs into smaller ones, and it might hold the reader's interest a bit longer. Granted, I've read quite a few military works in my time that involved a lot of tech explanation, so I'm a bit more patient with it.

Liking where this one is going.

Desert Coyote wrote 1646 days ago

I've watchlisted this one. It's interesting, the difference between U.S. and British naval parlance (used to the U.S. stuff myself), and through the first two chapters your dialogue is engaging without too much reliance on heavy jargon usage to make it sound authentic. I'm liking it thus far.

Our respective experiences are going to be hugely different, me coming from the writing perspective and you with your living experience, so please take what I say now with a grain of salt about the size of your head. While the technical aspects about the sub and the divers is interesting and (I'm guessing) important to the rest of the book, too much of it in too large of chunks is going to make the reader's eyes glaze over. If I might make one suggestion, break up the tech paragraphs into smaller ones, and it might hold the reader's interest a bit longer. Granted, I've read quite a few military works in my time that involved a lot of tech explanation, so I'm a bit more patient with it.

Liking where this one is going.

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1647 days ago

[Many thanks for your thoughts Mike: Just what i was looking for and i do take your point, I'll certainly consider doing some work on the opening as suggested. Thanks again.] John -

Welcome to Authonomy! Just read the first four chapters of Choke Point, attracted by the blurb. I think you have the makings here of a Clanceyesque spy thriller, with a lot of technical detail and a number of converging forces. I do, however, have a number of thoughts.

First of all, I would have liked a stronger opening - pitching me into the middle of the action, rather than a slow boil build-up. I always prefer thrillers to open with an exciting event that intrigues me. I would also like it if you did a little less telling and a bit more showing. Could we not, for example, have something go wrong in the ascent exercise, and could we not go into the water more with your protagonist? Might we not, for example, see Dimitri's virus run amok within the russian system, only to be cut off from the internet in the nick of time? (I might enjoy that as the opening).

Just some thoughts. I have watchlisted Choke Point because I am keen to see how it develops.

MikeB wrote 1647 days ago

John -

Welcome to Authonomy! Just read the first four chapters of Choke Point, attracted by the blurb. I think you have the makings here of a Clanceyesque spy thriller, with a lot of technical detail and a number of converging forces. I do, however, have a number of thoughts.

First of all, I would have liked a stronger opening - pitching me into the middle of the action, rather than a slow boil build-up. I always prefer thrillers to open with an exciting event that intrigues me. I would also like it if you did a little less telling and a bit more showing. Could we not, for example, have something go wrong in the ascent exercise, and could we not go into the water more with your protagonist? Might we not, for example, see Dimitri's virus run amok within the russian system, only to be cut off from the internet in the nick of time? (I might enjoy that as the opening).

Just some thoughts. I have watchlisted Choke Point because I am keen to see how it develops.

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1651 days ago

Hi Folks - Here i am a Virgin to the book business! As a former Royal Navy radio operator, a Policeman, Sales Manager for Spanish property, Delivery driver, factory worker and mant other jobs a plenty; I felt that i could call on life's experiences to assist in writing my book 'Choke Point'. I am 55yrs of age, married to Lorraine for 30yrs, with a son (Kevin) and a daughter (Nicola), who has given me 3 wonderful grandchildren. I am presently in Spain, but very likely returning to Uk after Christmas to work. Please take a look at my book - your comments would all be appreciated..... Thanks John

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