Book Jacket

 

rank 2185
word count 36456
date submitted 12.11.2008
date updated 13.03.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Crime
classification: moderate
complete

Choke Point

John Lumsdon

Espionage! & Subterfuge! The West on the brink of financial collapse! British, American and Russian submarine crews dicing with death in the icy depths.

 

In the tradition of all great spy thrillers, 'Choke Point' is a fascinating tale of espionage and subterfuge. Set against the backdrop of the political alliances formed in the aftermath of the Cold War, 'Choke Point' narrates the dramatic rescue of Nicolai, a computer programmer. Forced to flee with the computer disc which contains information on how the whole financial structure of the West can be brought to its knees, Nicolai is the centre of a dramatic rescue operation involving the best of British submariners and the most machiavellian officers of the Soviet Navy. 'Choke Point' is a must read, and will keep the reader engrossed from the first page to the last.

 
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action, adventure, dramatic rescue., espionage, fiction, financial chaos, romance

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Chapters

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HMS Cheetah, Kara Sea

 

 

  Lt Martin Tetlow, Cheetahs MEO, surveyed the torn metal casing, covering the reduction gear housing. Someone had intended to sabotage the gear housing, to immobilise the boat in the water.

  Back in engineering it was cramped and noisy, although not as noisy as the engine rooms on surface ships. Anybody could have crept in unseen, due to all the nooks and crannies in the compartment. It could have possibly have even been one of the engineering ratings themselves. Tetlow was worried and rightly so.

  You dont want some madman running lose on a submarine, he thought.

  Whats the problem Martin? Cdr Peter Crossfield, the boats XO asked, as he came into view from round the side of the main turbine.

  Take a look at this! he replied, indicating the torn metal casing.

  Any damage? Peter asked, as he peered into the gear housing.

  Luckily, none on this occasion, but Im not happy; weve got some nutter running around out there somewhere.

  Well just have to increase the frequency of rounds and safety checks for now, Peter said, a look of concern on his face. Ill inform the skipper. Can you get that repaired?

  No problem, Tetlow replied. Its only the casing.

  The XO made his way forward, past the turbo generator, towards the shielded bulkhead of the reactor compartment. Looking through the glass inspection port in the hatch door, leading to the reactor tunnel, he could see that the hatch at the opposite end of the tunnel was closed. He began to open the hatch. If the hatch at the opposite and of the tunnel had been open, he wouldnt have been able to open the hatch at his end anyway. This was a built-in safety precaution, designed to stop contamination of the whole boat if a radioactive leakage occurred. Looking down as he entered the tunnel, he gazed through the small glass ports at the side and could see the pressurised water reactor (PWR1), together with its domed steam generator.

  That can throw out some power, he thought, over sixteen thousand horsepower!

  Arriving in the control room the XO approached the CO, who stood on the bandstand.

  Sir, weve got problems, he said, lowering his voice.

  Over here, Boydell indicated towards the after hatch in the control room.

  You mean to say that Ive got more problems? Boydell queried.

  Sir - more problems?

  Its okay, Boydell continued, Ill fill you in later. Whats the problem?

  Someones tried to put a spanner, so to speak, into the reduction gear housing.

  Any damage Peter?

  No, none on this occasion. Were going to step up the number of rounds and safety checks we do.

  Fine, keep an eye on it back there will you? Perhaps a word with the MEO wouldnt go amiss?

  Ive just finished talking to him Sir. Hes fully up to speed on the situation.

  Thanks Peter. Can you take over the watch for me early? I know its fifteen minutes before youre due on, but I could do with digging out a larger scale chart of the Barents Sea/White Sea area…”

  No problem Sir.

  

*

 

  Hinton cursed to himself as he pulled off his oil-stained overalls and threw them on the deck. Searching frantically through his own stowage space, he quickly found a clean pair of No8s and put them on. Moving forward through the boat, nobody paid him a second glance. They were all too busy with their own tasks to even notice him. He glanced quickly down, into the hatch entrance leading to the bomb shop; nobody around. Quickly he jumped down.

  Working as fast as he could, he soon found what he was looking for: a torpedo tube filled with water. With a grim grin on his face, he hung a notice on the inner tube door: TUBE EMPTY.

  That should do nicely, he thought, unaware that Ian stood above him a clipboard in his hand, staring downwards in disbelief.

  It had been Ians turn to do safety rounds. Having checked the battery space levels, he hd arrived at the bomb shop to check the tubes.

  John! Ian shouted. Instinct telling him that perhaps he shouldnt have given his presence away quite so quickly.

  Hintons mind raced. He didnt look up.

  Whats up Ian? he asked casually.

  Ian started to climb down the ladder into the bomb shop, his clipboard banging against the side of the ladder.

  Hinton moved away from the inner door of the torpedo tube and stood to face Ian.

  Whats the problem? Hinton asked again.

  Ian was wary, but Hinton was smiling

  What are you doing pissing about with that tube? Ians forefinger pointed towards the tube adjacent to Hinton.

  Oh that? Hinton laughed. Some pillocks put the wrong sign on the tube. I was just changing it.

  Ian approached the inner door of the tube and was just reaching up to check the vent on it, when Hinton lunged at him with a three foot wrench. Luckily Ian caught sight of it from out of the corner of his eye and managed to dive to his right.

  You interfering bastard! Hinton yelled, his face full of rage, as he brought the wrench down towards Ian, who lay on the deck.

  Ian flung himself in a rolling motion to one side, as the wrench smashed into his clipboard. He rolled under one of the torpedo loading racks and shakily pulled himself to his feet. His legs felt like jelly. As his head rose above the level of a Mk24 Tigerfish, Hintons feet smashed into his head and left shoulder, sending him spinning backwards to land with a crash on the deck. Ians head was racked with pain and his eyesight started to blur. He pushed his hand urgently into the right-hand pocket of his No8 trousers. The blurred outline of Hinton appeared in front of him, his hand raised, brandishing the wrench, about to strike. Ian didnt have time to pull the 9mm pistol from his pocket, so he just pointed it through the material towards Hinton and squeezed the trigger. The bullet left Ians gun, tore through his pocket and ripped into Hintons left shoulder, sending him sprawling backwards.

 

*

 

  Ian! Ian! The pungent odour of smelling-salts made Ian reel.

  What Wheres?

  Its okay Ian, the MOs here, Boydell leaned anxiously over him. Did Hinton try to attack you?

  Never mind try; he bloody well did!

  Boydell looked down at Ian, noticing that his jaw was badly grazed and the underneath of his eye was badly swollen.

  Youll not go down very well with Fiona looking like that, he mocked.

  Very funny, SIR! Ian replied.

  Weve found that one of the tubes has been tampered with, Boydell continued, on a more serious note.

  I caught the bastard in the middle of it! Ian stated angrily.

  Weve got him handcuffed to a bed in sickbay. Hes conscious, but hes not saying anything. He just stares at the bulkhead.

  Why Hinton? Ian enquired.

  Your guess is as good as mine, Boydell replied. Well hand him over to Naval Intelligence when we get back. Perhaps they will be able to get something out of him.

  Just give me five minutes with him and Ill get you some answers! Ian snapped, with venom in his voice.

  You must be joking, Boydell grimaced. We want him in one piece. Oh and speaking of pieces, where did you get the 9mm from?

  Ian tried to smile, but his jaw hurt like mad.

  Serves you right, Boydell mocked, noticing Ians discomfort.

  Id rather have this, Ian said, indicating his injuries, than be pushing up the daisies. He gritted his teeth as pain seared through his jaw.

  Once the MO has seen you, do you think you can make it to my cabin?

  Bastard! Ian yelled, clutching his jaw as the pain came in waves. Sorry - for drinkies? He tried to muster a smile.

  Piss off Ian. You couldnt drink through a straw at the moment if you wanted to As soon as you can make it, okay?

  Ill be there.

  Boydell stood to one side, allowing the MO access to Ian.

  Well, youve got bruising to your shoulder and youre going to have a swollen cheek for some while, but thankfully its not broken. Also, youre going to have one hell of a black eye. Here, take a couple of these for now and come and see me for some more later. They should ease the pain, said the MO, handing Ian a couple of pain killers.

  Thanks Doc. Hey, you should see the other guy!

  The MO grimaced. He didnt find it funny.

  Any problems, come and see me, the MO said, as he picked up his bag and made his way out of the bomb shop.

  Ian managed to drag himself to his feet, leaning against one of the old Mk8 torpedoes. His whole body felt drained. He was absolutely exhausted.

  Climbing the ladder out of the bomb shop was hard work. With his left shoulder aching, he could only use his right hand as he shuffled upwards.

  I need my pit (bed) badly, he thought to himself. Ive got to get my head down for a couple of hours, the CO will just have to wait.

  Walking slowly back to the JRs mess, Ian had to pass the sick bay. On approaching it he saw his oppo, LRO Forester, standing outside. He stopped.

  What are you doing here Martin? he enquired.

  Ive copped for the duty of guarding your mate! he replied, with a fed-up, sort of resigned look on his face.

  Youre welcome to him, Ian remarked, as he carried on walking down the passage. Suddenly he stopped.

  Oh fuck it! he uttered to himself, turning round.

  He stood facing Martin.

  Before you ask - NO! Martin said, seeing the look of rage on Ians face.

  Martin, I need to speak to my friend in there. The little-boy-lost look replaced the look of rage on Ians face.

  You cant be serious Ian; Im not stupid - you would bloody well kill him!

  Look Martin, that pillock in there could know something that could save all our lives, surely just a few little words?

  Martin looked around nervously.

  Look, if I let you in, dont go overboard, or Im in the shit!

  Promise! Ian replied, with as serious a look as he could muster on his face.

  Martin stood to one side to let Ian enter, grasping hold of his right arm as he did so, holding him back.

  Look, I mean it Ian. Dont go too far!

  Trust me, Ian said, breaking free from Martins grasp.

  Closing the door behind him, Ian approached Hinton. He just lay there, his eyes open, staring at the deckhead. He didnt move a muscle.

  Smug bastard! Ian thought.

  Ian noticed that Hintons right hand was handcuffed to the sickbay bed.

  Just one question Hinton, he asked sarcastically. Why would you endanger all our lives?

  Hinton didnt reply. He just continued to stare at the deckhead.

  Okay then, Ian lowered his voice, making it much calmer.

  Are we expected at the rendezvous?

  Still Hinton lay silent.

  Bollocks to this! Ian thought to himself. In one quick movement he threw his own body upwards, landing on top of Hintons left shoulder, with his backside. All the weight of Ians body pressed down on his shoulder. Looking down at Hinton, he was amazed to see him still staring up at the deckhead, totally silent. But there was some hope. Hinton was gritting his teeth in an attempt to block out the pain.

  Can we expect a reception committee? Ian asked.

  Still no reply.

  Ian was raging inside. He started to wriggle his body and pressed down harder on Hintons upper body.

  Suddenly Hinton screamed. He could no longer control the pain.

  The door to the sickbay was flung open.

  Martin hissed in a loud whisper, Ian, you cant…”

  Just give me two more minutes, Ian pleaded.

  Martin puffed out his cheeks, let out a sigh, shook his head and closed the door.

  Well? Ian looked down at Hinton. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. He was in real agony.

  In a last act of defiance, Hinton looked directly into Ians eyes and sneered, You will be met!

  Ian stood up and flung Hintons arm away from himself. Hinton winced once more with pain.

  Opening the sickbay door, Ian stumbled past Martin and onward down the passageway. Thanks! he shouted back over his shoulder.

  You okay? Martin shouted after him.

  No problem. Ian held his arm up in acknowledgement, without looking back.

 

*

 

  Ian had no longer stumbled on to his bunk, than he was asleep. A fitful, restless sleep.

  Come on, hands off cocks, on socks! came the traditional naval greeting when you were woken from your sleep, as a bearded, burly able seaman shook Ian from his slumber, oblivious to the fact that he was pumping his injured arm.

  Bleeding hell! Ian shouted as he pulled his arm away from the over zealous able seaman.

  Skipper wants to see you in his cabin ASAP!

  Okay, Im awake. No problem.

  Ian climbed gingerly out from on top of his bunk. His face and shoulder ached incessantly. He didnt have time for a wash to freshen up, so he decided to have what is known as a submariners bath; he pulled out a can of Lynx body spray and applied it liberally under his arms and down the front of his trousers.

  Making his way aft, Ian headed for the COs cabin.

  Come in, came the reply, as he knocked resoundingly on the door.

  Entering, Ian saw that the cabin was almost full. What little space there was was occupied by the CO, XO and NO.

  Would you like some ice for that? the XO asked, looking concernedly at Ians face.

  No Sir, but Ill have my tot straight if youre offering, he replied cheekily.

  Cheeky sod! Crossfield laughed. But Ill buy you one if we get through this little lot in one piece.

  Ian nodded his appreciation.

  Right gentleman, Boydell started, firstly, I have decided that our operation should go ahead: unless of course any of you can give me a good enough reason for it not to?

  Sir, if I may, Norton chipped in. It would appear that the Soviets could be expecting us in the Kara Sea?

  Possibly. Boydell nodded his head. But Soviet Naval activity is minimal and the Akula that we encountered a few days ago is hundreds of miles to the west of us in the Barents Sea. Hinton may be operating under general orders. He may not have had time to communicate our full intentions to the Soviets…”

  They know Sir! Ian interrupted.

  How so? Crossfield asked.

  Because Hinton has just told me so, Ian said confidently.

  The three men looked at Ian and recognised that knowing look on his face.

  I see, Crossfield acknowledged.

  Well then, Boydell continued, we still have problems. Firstly Hinton was our diver. He was to go ashore and bring our passenger and package back. Secondly, we have to get within three to four miles of our coastal rendezvous and were expected!

  Im willing to do it Sir, Ian said confidently. Ill meet the contact.

  Boydell turned to face Ian.

  Youre a bloody killick sparker (Leading Radio operator), not a diver!

  Sir, Im a bloody good swimmer and Ive just completed my refresher course on the use of the escape chamber, Ian pleaded.

  How can you manage a four mile swim, pick up a passenger, and swim back four miles to rejoin us? Tell me that Ian! Boydell asked.

  I can do it! Ian said as positively as possible.

  What about your shoulder? Boydell queried.

  Its only bruised. If it becomes a problem prior to the start, Ill get the doc to give me a jab. Besides, what other option do we have?

  Boydell looked round his cabin. The others were shrugging their shoulders.

  Okay then, we go with it. It goes without saying we all have to be on the ball for this one. Peter, lay in a course for our rendezvous position. David, pay a visit to sonar and make sure theyre on their toes. Ian, you had better check out Hintons diving gear. I think hes stowed it in the usual locker in the fore-ends. And finally, has anyone seen the TASO (Torpedo and anti-submarine officer) lately?

  I last saw him in the showers Sir, Norton volunteered.

  Fine David. When you leave, can you seek him out and tell him that Id like to see him in the control room. We need to go over what hardware I want loading into the tubes.

  Ian made his way to the fore-ends to check his diving gear. He needed two sets, one for himself and one for his passenger, so to speak. Meticulously, he checked every piece of equipment; the masks, mouthpieces, valves and harnesses. Lastly, he examined the two sets of grey air bottles, with their cream and black markings on the top. According to the guages, all the bottles were full. Carefully packing it away again, he secured the lockers.

  Making his way aft along the passageway, Ian bumped into Steven, who had just come off watch.

  Ive been looking for you, he said. The family-grammes are coming in. You said that you wanted to know when…”

  Great. Thanks Steve, Ian interrupted. Ill make my way up there now. Thanks again.

  The door to the comms suite was opened by LRO Jervis.

  Thanks Pete, Ian acknowledged, as he stepped inside.

  Come for the grammes? Pete enquired.

  Yep, are they in yet?

  Nearly, he replied. Martins just logging them in now.

  Martin ripped a section of TP roll from the teleprinter and passed it to Ian via Pete.

  A plastic ruler hit Ian on the head - thrown by Martin.

  You can rip the individual grammes off and put them on the notice board - you owe me that after what happened at the sick bay! Martin chuckled.

  Ian picked up the ruler from the deck and began to read the family-grammes.

  After half a dozen he arrived at the first one from Fiona:

  

LRO IAN MCALLISTER. CANCEL RENDEZVOUS. IVE

HAD A CHANGE OF MIND. EVERYONE AT HOME

AGREES. DONT BE TOO DESPONDENT. LOVE FIONA XXXX

 

  Ian read the message over and over again.

  This cant be right, he thought. The word cancel  kept ringing in his brain. Things must be even worse than I imagined.

  Meanwhile Pete was reading through the rest of the grammes and was busily tearing them off into strips with a ruler, to assist Ian.

  This is a good one, Pete chuckled: LOOKING FORWARD TO SOME GOOD VIBRATIONS. N.O.R.W.I.C.H. Hey Ian, heres one of the old Nickers off ready when I come home jobs here! CPO (Chief Petty officer) Sidlow will like this one. His wifes a right randy old bugger!

  Ian was only half-listening, trying to make sense of the gramme from Fiona.

  Hey, whats this, whos LRO SCOTCH PIE AND CHIPS? Pete said, in a puzzled voice.

  Ian turned immediately.

  Let me have a look at that.

  Pete pulled the sheet of grammes back, away from Ian.

  Something to do with you is it? he mocked.

  Look, dont piss me about! Ian snatched the whole sheet back from Pete.

  Touchy, touchy! Pete grinned.

  Ian read the gramme repeatedly:

 

LRO SCOTCH PIE AND CHIPS. REVERT TO ORIGINAL

MENU. SHARKY STILL ASKS AFTER YOU. SORRY BUT I TAKE BACK MY PROPOSAL. LOVE GIN AND TONIC. XXXX

 

  It has to be from Fiona. It has to be, he said to himself.

  He picked up the comms microphone, Captain to comms please.

  XO here, hes tied up at the moment. Can I help?

  Yes Sir. Can I have a word? Its LRO McAllister?

  No problem. Ill be along in two minutes.

  Ian turned to see Pete staring at him, open-mouthed.

  Id close your mouth if I was you, youll attract flies!, Ian said.

  Whats going on? Pete asked.

  Nothing you need to worry about; need to know basis! Ian replied, tapping his nose with his forefinger.

  A knock came at the comms suite door.

  Opening the door, Ian saw the XO.

  Come in Sir. He stood to one side.

  Jervis, can you give us a few minutes? the XO said, holding the door open for Pete.

  No problem Sir, he replied, looking at Ian quizzically as he left the office.

  Martin was still busy logging in incoming traffic.

  What have we got? the XO enquired.

  Has the CO briefed you on the nature of our incoming family-grammes from PO Wren Greaves Sir? Ian asked.

  Yep, Im up to date Ian. Have we just received another?

  Actually Sir, another two - I think?

  What do you mean, you think? The furrows on Crossfields forehead stood out like a ploughed field.

  Well, heres the first one. Its obviously addressed to me, which seems to indicate that we should cancel our operation, with everyone back at base being in full agreement, Ian said, as he passed the first family-gramme to the XO.

  Understood; it seems fairly adamant.

  But heres the second. Ian handed over the next gramme.

  The XO looked up at Ian, looking slightly puzzled.

  How do you know that this one is definitely for you?

  Well, firstly it refers to an LRO, which narrows the field somewhat. Secondly, I met PO Wren Greaves - Fiona, in Helensburgh before we sailed. She only drank gin and tonics and we ended the evening with a supper of Scotch pie and chips. I know it sounds corny, but to me it seems obvious that the message is specifically intended for me!

  I can see your point, Crossfield said, nodding his head, so we must have some sort of compromise here somewhere. Someone knows our intentions and the incident with Hinton jus seems to confirm this.

  I agree Sir, Ian answered.

  Revert to original menu, then, obviously means to go with our original plans - to forget the message prior to this, and take back my proposal just confirms this, but what does sharky still asks after you mean? Crossfield asked, as he studied the message.

  Oh, the CO and myself had decided that sharky, which was mentioned in the first gramme that we received, meant an Akula SSN. Still asks after you probably means that its still somewhere in our area.

  I see, Crossfield said, reading through the gramme once again. He finally nodded.

  Yes I agree Ian, Ill pass this on to the CO. It looks like were going to have to be careful. It seems that every man and his dog knows about us.

  As the XO left, Ian looked down the office towards Martin.

  Hes very professional, he thought, he must have a good idea whats going on and he doesnt even bat an eyelid.

  Thanks Martin! Ian shouted. Without waiting for a reply, he brushed past Pete, who was entering the office. Ian made his way to the control room just a few yards away.

Chapters

16

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Melcom wrote 1198 days ago

You have a great story here, that with a bit of an edit would be a winner.

It was a little adverby in parts and if you take the 'ly' words out (as I have) it will up the pace of your story considerably.

Alos found a couple of nits for you.


Chap 1.
Sould that be, two cup(s) of steaming hot coffee appeared from below.

Chap2.
As you all can se(e)...

Good start, good luck with it.

Melxx
UNICORN
(crime/thriller)

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1502 days ago

This is great. Hunt for Red October, Ice Station Zebra and Das Boot proved that a submarine can be used for thoroughly atmospheric adventures. Your characters are developing well and the different personalities will work as they come together. On my shelf and good luck. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Martin Horton wrote 1503 days ago

Why isn't this higher ranked?

But, I'm going to be honest. Although you are a talented writer, for sure, I am afraid I don't like the subject matter. Perhaps I haven't read enough, which I will, because it's going on my WL, for the reason that you are, without doubt, at the risk of repeating myself, a talented writer, and in my mind that's all that matters here. Everything else is just a matter of taste regarding the theme.

Hmmm. Okay, I'll leave it at that for now. Absolutely no criticism of your writing....so please don't take this as criticism.

Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)
(The Art of Tragedy)

Darren G. Burton wrote 1573 days ago

I've only read a little bit so far, but I'm liking it. I'll put it on my watchlist and have another look later.

Patty wrote 1621 days ago

John,

Some quick comments on the pitch - more later. Heh - I think you have a perfect name to be writing spy novels. reminds me of some other writer.
Anyway - data how the financial system can be brought to its knees is a good hook. Wonder though how current it's going to be. At the moment, the west seems to have little trouble with bringing their own financial system to its knees - no help from others needed ;-)
What year is this set?
The rescue of Nicolai, presumably a spy, kinda smacks of 'Hunt for Red October' - is there a chance you could make it less so?
I think with a premise like this, you need to have a good feel for the market and pitch it to what is currently in vogue. What is the feeling about Cold War novels?

OK, I've now read chapter 1 as well, since it's only short. You introduce Gorkov and his ship, and at the end, he gets a message, but we are not learning what the message is. As hook chapter, it's not much. I hate saying the dreaded 'nothing happens' but that's my feeling. I think you need to include the text of the message, which is presumably the start of the plot. I feel that without it, the chapter doesn't have enough beef. Now this could be a matter of a cut-and-paste.

There are three semicolons in this chapter. The second and third need to be commas.

I'll read on.

Patty wrote 1622 days ago

Sounds interesting. I'll watchlist it.

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1639 days ago

[Point taken; and yes scrambled egg is indeed gold braid. I have added a Glossary as the final chapter, but must confess I did not include scrambled egg! Thanks John L] I have watchlisted this. I like the degree of technical detail you have included, although I have read only a few chapters so far. I like your attention to detail, and although it is possible to have too much, I think you have judged it about right.

A couple of small points. Chap 1, the 'steaming' coffee. Does coffee really steam? Describing the PO Wren's auburn hair as 'beautiful' is not inventive. Not having a navel background, I didn't understand the 'scrambled egg' reference. I assume it is gold braid; is it worth explaining that to the likes of myself?

VVV wrote 1644 days ago

I have watchlisted this. I like the degree of technical detail you have included, although I have read only a few chapters so far. I like your attention to detail, and although it is possible to have too much, I think you have judged it about right.

A couple of small points. Chap 1, the 'steaming' coffee. Does coffee really steam? Describing the PO Wren's auburn hair as 'beautiful' is not inventive. Not having a navel background, I didn't understand the 'scrambled egg' reference. I assume it is gold braid; is it worth explaining that to the likes of myself?

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1644 days ago

[Thanks Desert Cayote - I appreciate that it's easy to get carried away with the tech stuff. I think that when you know it yourself you tend to forget that the reader really only needs to dip their toe into the water and not be flooded with facts/figures - Point taken - thanks.] I've watchlisted this one. It's interesting, the difference between U.S. and British naval parlance (used to the U.S. stuff myself), and through the first two chapters your dialogue is engaging without too much reliance on heavy jargon usage to make it sound authentic. I'm liking it thus far.

Our respective experiences are going to be hugely different, me coming from the writing perspective and you with your living experience, so please take what I say now with a grain of salt about the size of your head. While the technical aspects about the sub and the divers is interesting and (I'm guessing) important to the rest of the book, too much of it in too large of chunks is going to make the reader's eyes glaze over. If I might make one suggestion, break up the tech paragraphs into smaller ones, and it might hold the reader's interest a bit longer. Granted, I've read quite a few military works in my time that involved a lot of tech explanation, so I'm a bit more patient with it.

Liking where this one is going.

Desert Coyote wrote 1644 days ago

I've watchlisted this one. It's interesting, the difference between U.S. and British naval parlance (used to the U.S. stuff myself), and through the first two chapters your dialogue is engaging without too much reliance on heavy jargon usage to make it sound authentic. I'm liking it thus far.

Our respective experiences are going to be hugely different, me coming from the writing perspective and you with your living experience, so please take what I say now with a grain of salt about the size of your head. While the technical aspects about the sub and the divers is interesting and (I'm guessing) important to the rest of the book, too much of it in too large of chunks is going to make the reader's eyes glaze over. If I might make one suggestion, break up the tech paragraphs into smaller ones, and it might hold the reader's interest a bit longer. Granted, I've read quite a few military works in my time that involved a lot of tech explanation, so I'm a bit more patient with it.

Liking where this one is going.

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1645 days ago

[Many thanks for your thoughts Mike: Just what i was looking for and i do take your point, I'll certainly consider doing some work on the opening as suggested. Thanks again.] John -

Welcome to Authonomy! Just read the first four chapters of Choke Point, attracted by the blurb. I think you have the makings here of a Clanceyesque spy thriller, with a lot of technical detail and a number of converging forces. I do, however, have a number of thoughts.

First of all, I would have liked a stronger opening - pitching me into the middle of the action, rather than a slow boil build-up. I always prefer thrillers to open with an exciting event that intrigues me. I would also like it if you did a little less telling and a bit more showing. Could we not, for example, have something go wrong in the ascent exercise, and could we not go into the water more with your protagonist? Might we not, for example, see Dimitri's virus run amok within the russian system, only to be cut off from the internet in the nick of time? (I might enjoy that as the opening).

Just some thoughts. I have watchlisted Choke Point because I am keen to see how it develops.

MikeB wrote 1645 days ago

John -

Welcome to Authonomy! Just read the first four chapters of Choke Point, attracted by the blurb. I think you have the makings here of a Clanceyesque spy thriller, with a lot of technical detail and a number of converging forces. I do, however, have a number of thoughts.

First of all, I would have liked a stronger opening - pitching me into the middle of the action, rather than a slow boil build-up. I always prefer thrillers to open with an exciting event that intrigues me. I would also like it if you did a little less telling and a bit more showing. Could we not, for example, have something go wrong in the ascent exercise, and could we not go into the water more with your protagonist? Might we not, for example, see Dimitri's virus run amok within the russian system, only to be cut off from the internet in the nick of time? (I might enjoy that as the opening).

Just some thoughts. I have watchlisted Choke Point because I am keen to see how it develops.

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1648 days ago

Hi Folks - Here i am a Virgin to the book business! As a former Royal Navy radio operator, a Policeman, Sales Manager for Spanish property, Delivery driver, factory worker and mant other jobs a plenty; I felt that i could call on life's experiences to assist in writing my book 'Choke Point'. I am 55yrs of age, married to Lorraine for 30yrs, with a son (Kevin) and a daughter (Nicola), who has given me 3 wonderful grandchildren. I am presently in Spain, but very likely returning to Uk after Christmas to work. Please take a look at my book - your comments would all be appreciated..... Thanks John

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