Choke Point

You have a great story here, that with a bit of an edit would be a winner.

It was a little adverby in parts and if you take the 'ly' words out (as I have) it will up the pace of your story considerably.

Alos found a couple of nits for you.


Chap 1.
Sould that be, two cup(s) of steaming hot coffee appeared from below.

Chap2.
As you all can se(e)...

Good start, good luck with it.

Melxx
UNICORN
(crime/thriller)

This is great. Hunt for Red October, Ice Station Zebra and Das Boot proved that a submarine can be used for thoroughly atmospheric adventures. Your characters are developing well and the different personalities will work as they come together. On my shelf and good luck. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Why isn't this higher ranked?

But, I'm going to be honest. Although you are a talented writer, for sure, I am afraid I don't like the subject matter. Perhaps I haven't read enough, which I will, because it's going on my WL, for the reason that you are, without doubt, at the risk of repeating myself, a talented writer, and in my mind that's all that matters here. Everything else is just a matter of taste regarding the theme.

Hmmm. Okay, I'll leave it at that for now. Absolutely no criticism of your writing....so please don't take this as criticism.

Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)
(The Art of Tragedy)

I've only read a little bit so far, but I'm liking it. I'll put it on my watchlist and have another look later.

John,

Some quick comments on the pitch - more later. Heh - I think you have a perfect name to be writing spy novels. reminds me of some other writer.
Anyway - data how the financial system can be brought to its knees is a good hook. Wonder though how current it's going to be. At the moment, the west seems to have little trouble with bringing their own financial system to its knees - no help from others needed ;-)
What year is this set?
The rescue of Nicolai, presumably a spy, kinda smacks of 'Hunt for Red October' - is there a chance you could make it less so?
I think with a premise like this, you need to have a good feel for the market and pitch it to what is currently in vogue. What is the feeling about Cold War novels?

OK, I've now read chapter 1 as well, since it's only short. You introduce Gorkov and his ship, and at the end, he gets a message, but we are not learning what the message is. As hook chapter, it's not much. I hate saying the dreaded 'nothing happens' but that's my feeling. I think you need to include the text of the message, which is presumably the start of the plot. I feel that without it, the chapter doesn't have enough beef. Now this could be a matter of a cut-and-paste.

There are three semicolons in this chapter. The second and third need to be commas.

I'll read on.

Sounds interesting. I'll watchlist it.

[Point taken; and yes scrambled egg is indeed gold braid. I have added a Glossary as the final chapter, but must confess I did not include scrambled egg! Thanks John L] I have watchlisted this. I like the degree of technical detail you have included, although I have read only a few chapters so far. I like your attention to detail, and although it is possible to have too much, I think you have judged it about right.

A couple of small points. Chap 1, the 'steaming' coffee. Does coffee really steam? Describing the PO Wren's auburn hair as 'beautiful' is not inventive. Not having a navel background, I didn't understand the 'scrambled egg' reference. I assume it is gold braid; is it worth explaining that to the likes of myself?

I have watchlisted this. I like the degree of technical detail you have included, although I have read only a few chapters so far. I like your attention to detail, and although it is possible to have too much, I think you have judged it about right.

A couple of small points. Chap 1, the 'steaming' coffee. Does coffee really steam? Describing the PO Wren's auburn hair as 'beautiful' is not inventive. Not having a navel background, I didn't understand the 'scrambled egg' reference. I assume it is gold braid; is it worth explaining that to the likes of myself?

[Thanks Desert Cayote - I appreciate that it's easy to get carried away with the tech stuff. I think that when you know it yourself you tend to forget that the reader really only needs to dip their toe into the water and not be flooded with facts/figures - Point taken - thanks.] I've watchlisted this one. It's interesting, the difference between U.S. and British naval parlance (used to the U.S. stuff myself), and through the first two chapters your dialogue is engaging without too much reliance on heavy jargon usage to make it sound authentic. I'm liking it thus far.

Our respective experiences are going to be hugely different, me coming from the writing perspective and you with your living experience, so please take what I say now with a grain of salt about the size of your head. While the technical aspects about the sub and the divers is interesting and (I'm guessing) important to the rest of the book, too much of it in too large of chunks is going to make the reader's eyes glaze over. If I might make one suggestion, break up the tech paragraphs into smaller ones, and it might hold the reader's interest a bit longer. Granted, I've read quite a few military works in my time that involved a lot of tech explanation, so I'm a bit more patient with it.

Liking where this one is going.

I've watchlisted this one. It's interesting, the difference between U.S. and British naval parlance (used to the U.S. stuff myself), and through the first two chapters your dialogue is engaging without too much reliance on heavy jargon usage to make it sound authentic. I'm liking it thus far.

Our respective experiences are going to be hugely different, me coming from the writing perspective and you with your living experience, so please take what I say now with a grain of salt about the size of your head. While the technical aspects about the sub and the divers is interesting and (I'm guessing) important to the rest of the book, too much of it in too large of chunks is going to make the reader's eyes glaze over. If I might make one suggestion, break up the tech paragraphs into smaller ones, and it might hold the reader's interest a bit longer. Granted, I've read quite a few military works in my time that involved a lot of tech explanation, so I'm a bit more patient with it.

Liking where this one is going.

[Many thanks for your thoughts Mike: Just what i was looking for and i do take your point, I'll certainly consider doing some work on the opening as suggested. Thanks again.] John -

Welcome to Authonomy! Just read the first four chapters of Choke Point, attracted by the blurb. I think you have the makings here of a Clanceyesque spy thriller, with a lot of technical detail and a number of converging forces. I do, however, have a number of thoughts.

First of all, I would have liked a stronger opening - pitching me into the middle of the action, rather than a slow boil build-up. I always prefer thrillers to open with an exciting event that intrigues me. I would also like it if you did a little less telling and a bit more showing. Could we not, for example, have something go wrong in the ascent exercise, and could we not go into the water more with your protagonist? Might we not, for example, see Dimitri's virus run amok within the russian system, only to be cut off from the internet in the nick of time? (I might enjoy that as the opening).

Just some thoughts. I have watchlisted Choke Point because I am keen to see how it develops.

John -

Welcome to Authonomy! Just read the first four chapters of Choke Point, attracted by the blurb. I think you have the makings here of a Clanceyesque spy thriller, with a lot of technical detail and a number of converging forces. I do, however, have a number of thoughts.

First of all, I would have liked a stronger opening - pitching me into the middle of the action, rather than a slow boil build-up. I always prefer thrillers to open with an exciting event that intrigues me. I would also like it if you did a little less telling and a bit more showing. Could we not, for example, have something go wrong in the ascent exercise, and could we not go into the water more with your protagonist? Might we not, for example, see Dimitri's virus run amok within the russian system, only to be cut off from the internet in the nick of time? (I might enjoy that as the opening).

Just some thoughts. I have watchlisted Choke Point because I am keen to see how it develops.

Hi Folks - Here i am a Virgin to the book business! As a former Royal Navy radio operator, a Policeman, Sales Manager for Spanish property, Delivery driver, factory worker and mant other jobs a plenty; I felt that i could call on life's experiences to assist in writing my book 'Choke Point'. I am 55yrs of age, married to Lorraine for 30yrs, with a son (Kevin) and a daughter (Nicola), who has given me 3 wonderful grandchildren. I am presently in Spain, but very likely returning to Uk after Christmas to work. Please take a look at my book - your comments would all be appreciated..... Thanks John