Book Jacket

 

rank 2181
word count 36456
date submitted 12.11.2008
date updated 13.03.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Crime
classification: moderate
complete

Choke Point

John Lumsdon

Espionage! & Subterfuge! The West on the brink of financial collapse! British, American and Russian submarine crews dicing with death in the icy depths.

 

In the tradition of all great spy thrillers, 'Choke Point' is a fascinating tale of espionage and subterfuge. Set against the backdrop of the political alliances formed in the aftermath of the Cold War, 'Choke Point' narrates the dramatic rescue of Nicolai, a computer programmer. Forced to flee with the computer disc which contains information on how the whole financial structure of the West can be brought to its knees, Nicolai is the centre of a dramatic rescue operation involving the best of British submariners and the most machiavellian officers of the Soviet Navy. 'Choke Point' is a must read, and will keep the reader engrossed from the first page to the last.

 
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tags

action, adventure, dramatic rescue., espionage, fiction, financial chaos, romance

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14 comments

 

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Chapters

19

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Outskirts of Nardvik, Gulf of Ob, Russia

David was now driving as they approached the town of Nardvik. Sukhova had passed the time of day with him, but thankfully he had not asked any probing questions.

  Pull over here! Sukhova said urgently, as he began to wind down his window.

  David pulled over, adjacent to two youths walking along aimlessly.

  Can you tell me where we can get some accommodation for the night, Sukhova asked one of the youths, as he stuck his head out of the window.

  Two blocks down, turn right, second left and its fifty yards on your right - the Guryev Hotel, you cant miss it; its got a war memorial just across the road from it, the smaller of the two youths replied, turning, with no intention of waiting for a reply.

  Sukhova began to wind up his window and turned to David.

  Well, its a bit late to go to the dockyard now, I could do with some sleep, I dont know about you? Sukhova asked.

  I agree, David replied, looking at his watch. Its seven fifty-five p.m., well not have much chance this time of night.

  David cursed inwardly to himself. Im running out of time, he thought.

  Two minutes later, they had found the hotel and had both booked in.

  Sukhova turned to David.

  Im coming down for a late dinner as soon as Ive freshened up, so I might see you then? If I dont, then good luck tomorrow with your job search.

  Thanks, I appreciate it. Oh and thanks for the lift, David replied.

  After a much needed wash and shave, David felt much refreshed, as he made his way downstairs to the dining room.

  Consisting of about twenty tables, the dining room was clean and neatly set out. Over half of the tables were still occupied. A young waitress approached and showed David to a small table in a corner, set for two, placing a napkin and cutlery in front of him. As the waitress moved away David noticed the back of a man some half a dozen tables away, talking to a man seated at the same table. He was sure the man with his back to him was Sukhova. Although David pretended not to notice, he observed the man seated with Sukhova, glance in his direction on a few occasions.

  Suspect everyone and everything was Davids motto.

  The next morning David awoke early feeling very refreshed. He always slept well, even on assignments. It was six thirty a.m.

  After a hearty breakfast, he paid his bill, returned to his room, picked up his belongings and left the hotel to summon a taxi.

  Sukhova watched as David got into the back seat of a taxi. His colleague across the road sat in a car, its engine running.

  As soon as the taxi left, Sukhova ran from the hotel and jumped quickly into the passenger seat of the waiting car, the driver setting off with a lurch.

  Twenty minutes later David had alighted from his taxi at the dockyard gates and had been directed to the harbour masters office.

  Allowing David time to get out of sight, Sukhova and his colleague approached the gates and got out of their car. Pulling out his FIS pass, Sukhova spoke to the man on duty.

  Who was the man you just allowed in? he said sternly.

  He said his name was Kanin Berezova - hes, hes looking for work, the man replied nervously.

  So where is he heading for?

  He asked for the harbour masters office.

  And where would that be?

  Its down the northern end of the yard, he replied, pointing in the general direction.

  The two men moved off, the gate man glad to see the back of them.

  The road leading into the dockyard was very wide. Sukhova stayed to the nearside, while his colleague, Ivan Troitska, crossed to the other side, walking parallel with him.

  Can you see him? Sukhova whispered, speaking into his lapel microphone.

  No sign yet, came the reply in his wireless earpiece.

 

*

 

  David had only been walking for about four or five minutes, when he found what he was looking for; the engineering sheds.

  Looking about, without trying to make it too obvious, he entered a side door to an engineering storage area. He walked on, passing a steel storage area and soon found himself in an area full of steel lockers, adjacent to a machine engineering room. Glancing round he spotted what he was looking for; a large blue metal cantilever tool box. Although workers were all around, he approached the tool box, nonchalantly bent down, picked it up, and carried on walking without hesitating.

  Retracing his steps he left the engineering shed.

  Ive got him! Sukhova hissed into his radio.

  Where is he? Sukhova replied excitedly, his blood beginning to pump faster.

  Hes about three hundred yards ahead of us. Hes just come out of some storage area carrying a blue tool box.

  Keep out of sight! Sukhova warned. We dont want to spook him.

  What does he want with the tool box? Sukhova thought to himself, placing his hand under his jacket to reassure himself that his gun was in its shoulder holster.

  Bloody hell, this toolbox is heavy! David muttered to himself as he continued towards the northern tip of the dockyard, stopping occasionaly to rest for a few seconds, swapping over hands, to rest each arm in turn.

 

*

 

  Nicolai finished inputting details from the date sheet in front of him and rose to stretch his legs. His right leg was going to sleep. Walking towards the front desk of the office, he looked through the window, out on to the adjacent roadway. A stocky man with short cropped hair, was walking up the road towards the office, carrying a large blue toolbox.

  Nicolai began to feel as though his heart was having palpitations. It wasnt the sight of the man with the toolbox that did it; it was the sight of two men stalking him some three hundred yards back that brought it on. Referring to his watch, Nicolai noticed that it was only seven fifty a.m. But surely, this must be his contact? The other two men stood out like sore thumbs; they must be FIS.

  David sat down on some old railway sleepers opposite the harbour masters office, and opened one of the top two flaps of his toolbox, his signal to his contact.

  Nicolai stood back from the office window and watched. He saw David open his toolbox and could still see one of the FIS men, but the other one had disappeared. Returning to his desk Nicolai logged off on his computer.

  Im just going for a breath of fresh air; Im not feeling too good, he said to his supervisor.

  Okay, it is a bit stuffy in here, he replied. Try not to be too long.

  Nicolai picked up a paperweight from his desk, stuffed it into his pocket and walked out the front door of the office, without even glancing at David.

  Making his way down the road, Nicolai could still see one of the FIS men casually sitting on a pile of coiled ships rope. The other man was still nowhere to be seen.

  As he began to pass the man on the rope, the man gave Nicolai a cursory glance, then turned to look back up the road.

  Nicolai acted like lighting, turning his body he swung the paperweight towards the man with all the force his arm and shoulder could muster. A sixth sense must have partly alerted him, because his head began to turn back towards Nicolai as the paperweight smashed into the side of his face. The force of the blow knocked the man completely off the rope, knocking him out instantly. Nicolai grabbed the mans feet and quickly pulled him out of view behind a nearby building. He heard a crackle and looked down at his unconscious companion. By now Nicolai was breathing heavily as he looked around cautiously. Still no sign of the second FIS man. Carefully he lifted the mans collar and found the microphone to his radio. Glancing up he looked further down the road and saw a sign pointing off to the right to the food depot. Placing his mouth just a couple of inches away from the microphone he pressed a transmit button on Troitskas sleeve and said in a gruff voice, Food depot, food depot - now!

  Gathering his composure he walked up to where David was sat, and sat down next to him, closing his toolbox lid as he did so.

  David turned to Nicolai and fixing his gaze on him said, Tanya.

  Nicolai nodded, We havent got much time, the FIS are on to you. Ive managed to temporarily get rid of one, but the others about somewhere here.

  David didnt hesitate, Right lets go, he said, standing up.

  I shouldnt need that now, he looked back at the toolbox on the railway sleepers.

  Have you got the package? David enquired.

  Yes, Ive got it safe, Nicolai replied.

  Both men were now half-walking, half-running along the road towards the northern-most point of the harbour headland.

  How far off are we? Nicolai asked.

  Dont ask me, David replied sarcastically. I dont live here.

  Wheres that other bloody FIS man! David said out loud.

  Hopefully, trying to find us in the food depot.

  Nicolai could see the look of puzzlement on Davids face.

  I used his comrades radio to send him off in the wrong direction, Nicolai said, feeling rather pleased with himself.

  The penny dropped with David.

  Lets pull in here for a second, David said, urging Nicolai to follow him behind a large metal container. Both men leaned against its cold metal side.

  Here, you had better have one of these, Nicolai said, pushing a 9mm pistol into Davids hand.

  You never cease to amaze. David smiled.

  Looking cautiously round the corner of the container, David turned back to Nicolai. Come on, lets go.

  After another ten minutes, they could see the sea and the headland in the distance. As they got closer both of their faces dropped. A solitary guard stood facing them, his rifle slung over his shoulder.

  David could feel Nicolai trying to press something into his hand. He curled his fingers around the piece of plastic, without looking up.

  Trust me, Nicolai whispered, from the side of his mouth.

  On seeing them approach the guard had unsung his rifle and now held it across his chest.

  Nicolai didnt give him a chance to speak, he acted quickly, holding up his own piece of plastic. FIS. Have you seen anybody at all come this way in the last hour?

  David had caught on quickly, and held up his own plastic ID card.

  No Sir! The guard sprung to attention.

  I will make my own judgements! Nicolai said sternly, as he walked forward, pushing the guard to one side.

  And dont let anyone pass! he shouted back.

  You could come in useful on our side, David chuckled, once he was out of earshot of the guard.

  Just to get to your side, as you call it, would be very nice thank you, Nicolai grinned.

Chapters

19

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Melcom wrote 1200 days ago

You have a great story here, that with a bit of an edit would be a winner.

It was a little adverby in parts and if you take the 'ly' words out (as I have) it will up the pace of your story considerably.

Alos found a couple of nits for you.


Chap 1.
Sould that be, two cup(s) of steaming hot coffee appeared from below.

Chap2.
As you all can se(e)...

Good start, good luck with it.

Melxx
UNICORN
(crime/thriller)

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1505 days ago

This is great. Hunt for Red October, Ice Station Zebra and Das Boot proved that a submarine can be used for thoroughly atmospheric adventures. Your characters are developing well and the different personalities will work as they come together. On my shelf and good luck. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Martin Horton wrote 1505 days ago

Why isn't this higher ranked?

But, I'm going to be honest. Although you are a talented writer, for sure, I am afraid I don't like the subject matter. Perhaps I haven't read enough, which I will, because it's going on my WL, for the reason that you are, without doubt, at the risk of repeating myself, a talented writer, and in my mind that's all that matters here. Everything else is just a matter of taste regarding the theme.

Hmmm. Okay, I'll leave it at that for now. Absolutely no criticism of your writing....so please don't take this as criticism.

Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)
(The Art of Tragedy)

Darren G. Burton wrote 1575 days ago

I've only read a little bit so far, but I'm liking it. I'll put it on my watchlist and have another look later.

Patty wrote 1623 days ago

John,

Some quick comments on the pitch - more later. Heh - I think you have a perfect name to be writing spy novels. reminds me of some other writer.
Anyway - data how the financial system can be brought to its knees is a good hook. Wonder though how current it's going to be. At the moment, the west seems to have little trouble with bringing their own financial system to its knees - no help from others needed ;-)
What year is this set?
The rescue of Nicolai, presumably a spy, kinda smacks of 'Hunt for Red October' - is there a chance you could make it less so?
I think with a premise like this, you need to have a good feel for the market and pitch it to what is currently in vogue. What is the feeling about Cold War novels?

OK, I've now read chapter 1 as well, since it's only short. You introduce Gorkov and his ship, and at the end, he gets a message, but we are not learning what the message is. As hook chapter, it's not much. I hate saying the dreaded 'nothing happens' but that's my feeling. I think you need to include the text of the message, which is presumably the start of the plot. I feel that without it, the chapter doesn't have enough beef. Now this could be a matter of a cut-and-paste.

There are three semicolons in this chapter. The second and third need to be commas.

I'll read on.

Patty wrote 1624 days ago

Sounds interesting. I'll watchlist it.

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1641 days ago

[Point taken; and yes scrambled egg is indeed gold braid. I have added a Glossary as the final chapter, but must confess I did not include scrambled egg! Thanks John L] I have watchlisted this. I like the degree of technical detail you have included, although I have read only a few chapters so far. I like your attention to detail, and although it is possible to have too much, I think you have judged it about right.

A couple of small points. Chap 1, the 'steaming' coffee. Does coffee really steam? Describing the PO Wren's auburn hair as 'beautiful' is not inventive. Not having a navel background, I didn't understand the 'scrambled egg' reference. I assume it is gold braid; is it worth explaining that to the likes of myself?

VVV wrote 1646 days ago

I have watchlisted this. I like the degree of technical detail you have included, although I have read only a few chapters so far. I like your attention to detail, and although it is possible to have too much, I think you have judged it about right.

A couple of small points. Chap 1, the 'steaming' coffee. Does coffee really steam? Describing the PO Wren's auburn hair as 'beautiful' is not inventive. Not having a navel background, I didn't understand the 'scrambled egg' reference. I assume it is gold braid; is it worth explaining that to the likes of myself?

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1646 days ago

[Thanks Desert Cayote - I appreciate that it's easy to get carried away with the tech stuff. I think that when you know it yourself you tend to forget that the reader really only needs to dip their toe into the water and not be flooded with facts/figures - Point taken - thanks.] I've watchlisted this one. It's interesting, the difference between U.S. and British naval parlance (used to the U.S. stuff myself), and through the first two chapters your dialogue is engaging without too much reliance on heavy jargon usage to make it sound authentic. I'm liking it thus far.

Our respective experiences are going to be hugely different, me coming from the writing perspective and you with your living experience, so please take what I say now with a grain of salt about the size of your head. While the technical aspects about the sub and the divers is interesting and (I'm guessing) important to the rest of the book, too much of it in too large of chunks is going to make the reader's eyes glaze over. If I might make one suggestion, break up the tech paragraphs into smaller ones, and it might hold the reader's interest a bit longer. Granted, I've read quite a few military works in my time that involved a lot of tech explanation, so I'm a bit more patient with it.

Liking where this one is going.

Desert Coyote wrote 1646 days ago

I've watchlisted this one. It's interesting, the difference between U.S. and British naval parlance (used to the U.S. stuff myself), and through the first two chapters your dialogue is engaging without too much reliance on heavy jargon usage to make it sound authentic. I'm liking it thus far.

Our respective experiences are going to be hugely different, me coming from the writing perspective and you with your living experience, so please take what I say now with a grain of salt about the size of your head. While the technical aspects about the sub and the divers is interesting and (I'm guessing) important to the rest of the book, too much of it in too large of chunks is going to make the reader's eyes glaze over. If I might make one suggestion, break up the tech paragraphs into smaller ones, and it might hold the reader's interest a bit longer. Granted, I've read quite a few military works in my time that involved a lot of tech explanation, so I'm a bit more patient with it.

Liking where this one is going.

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1647 days ago

[Many thanks for your thoughts Mike: Just what i was looking for and i do take your point, I'll certainly consider doing some work on the opening as suggested. Thanks again.] John -

Welcome to Authonomy! Just read the first four chapters of Choke Point, attracted by the blurb. I think you have the makings here of a Clanceyesque spy thriller, with a lot of technical detail and a number of converging forces. I do, however, have a number of thoughts.

First of all, I would have liked a stronger opening - pitching me into the middle of the action, rather than a slow boil build-up. I always prefer thrillers to open with an exciting event that intrigues me. I would also like it if you did a little less telling and a bit more showing. Could we not, for example, have something go wrong in the ascent exercise, and could we not go into the water more with your protagonist? Might we not, for example, see Dimitri's virus run amok within the russian system, only to be cut off from the internet in the nick of time? (I might enjoy that as the opening).

Just some thoughts. I have watchlisted Choke Point because I am keen to see how it develops.

MikeB wrote 1647 days ago

John -

Welcome to Authonomy! Just read the first four chapters of Choke Point, attracted by the blurb. I think you have the makings here of a Clanceyesque spy thriller, with a lot of technical detail and a number of converging forces. I do, however, have a number of thoughts.

First of all, I would have liked a stronger opening - pitching me into the middle of the action, rather than a slow boil build-up. I always prefer thrillers to open with an exciting event that intrigues me. I would also like it if you did a little less telling and a bit more showing. Could we not, for example, have something go wrong in the ascent exercise, and could we not go into the water more with your protagonist? Might we not, for example, see Dimitri's virus run amok within the russian system, only to be cut off from the internet in the nick of time? (I might enjoy that as the opening).

Just some thoughts. I have watchlisted Choke Point because I am keen to see how it develops.

thunderbirdsarego54321 wrote 1651 days ago

Hi Folks - Here i am a Virgin to the book business! As a former Royal Navy radio operator, a Policeman, Sales Manager for Spanish property, Delivery driver, factory worker and mant other jobs a plenty; I felt that i could call on life's experiences to assist in writing my book 'Choke Point'. I am 55yrs of age, married to Lorraine for 30yrs, with a son (Kevin) and a daughter (Nicola), who has given me 3 wonderful grandchildren. I am presently in Spain, but very likely returning to Uk after Christmas to work. Please take a look at my book - your comments would all be appreciated..... Thanks John

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