Birth of an assassin

Birth of an Assassin
Hi Athena,
I liked the look of your pitch and have read a couple of chapters so far. You have created some promising characters and an intriguing story-line, twinning Nick’s attempts to come to terms with his past and he and Wayne’s involvement with crime, which you have started to hint at in the chapter I've just read. Highly rated ******
Kat x Hens from Hell

I think you have a good, solid plot here that just needs refining a bit! :)

It's interesting and draws the reader in. I'd keep reading just to find out what was going to happen.

Lou
~The Keenest Sorrow

I read Chapter One and I think it's a solid foundation for a good book. I love the way you introduce Wayne; your descriptions of the surroundings are vivid and easy to visualize. Nick appears unexpectedly - at first I thought it was some murderer and that was the end of Wayne - and the way they move - stealthily, afraid of something/someone unknown to the reader - made me read with bated breath. I've read lots of books in Thriller/Crime genre in the past and want to say this will be a publishable material with a bit of editing.

Good luck to you with Birth of an Assassin,
Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

Hi Athena, read chapter 10 and found it interesting. It does need to be tightned up. Maybe, however, his inner thoughts could be shown more. For me, I thought the build-up was too long, as far as he gets off work and goes to the cafe to check his emails, but the action between him and the other man does add suspense. And when he leaves the cafe and walks in the snowy night. You are hinting at something might happen but, maybe if the car that goes by slips on some ice and nearly runs him over might add more to the scene.

Thanks for your time, although it just confirms what other people have told me about yourself. Its a shame that not one person has a good thing to say about you.
Instead of being constructive, you choose to ridicule. You would be far better thought of if you would be suggestive and helpful. How dare you assume that you know what i have experienced and what i have not, you speak as though you are the only authority. To be honest it saddens me to think that you have nothing better to do, other than try and influence people and mislead them into thinking that you are someone of stature, rather than the sad individual that you obviously are.
I should have listened to others, in respect that you are just that, a PATHETIC individual who does not speak to anyone other than your so called friends. Are there any?
AT least I’m prepared to use my name.





I've had a look and sorry, but I don't have good things to say. First of all, you should NEVER put an Authorial Statement in between your book and your reader. In other words, the "Background" chapter where you, the author, are speaking directly to me, the reader, is TERRIBLE and should be removed. I skipped right past it. If I cannot read the book without your personalized remarks, I don't want to try. The book should stand alone without you at my elbow helping me to understand it.

That leads me into the book, itself. I think it's going to need more than a "bit" of editing. The writing is fairly beginner-level, or so it seems to me. Right in the first line you have punctuation issues, not to mention pacing. The first sentence is too long and rambling--and for no good reason. Plus, I cringed at the oxymoronic statement that a "tired" body was "flooded with adrenaline." You've obviously never been in battle or a "fight or flight" situation and it's coming through in your writing that you're trying to pretend you know. When you don't. Don't pretend. If you don't know something, research it. If you'd like a really good reference on what happens to a human body and mind when "in combat mode," please have a look at Colonel David Grossman's ON COMBAT. He wrote a companion book called ON KILLING which is also supremely enlightening but also very disturbing (and honestly, a lot of warriors contest Grossman's findings in ON KILLING; no one contests anything from ON COMBAT. He got that one down SOLIDLY)

Given you want this to be edgy, and I read and write edgy stuff--everything from milfic and thrillers or crime/myster to space wars and even some romantic suspense!--I was expecting a little less melodrama and a lot more edge. Again, it's that you're faking it instead of giving some kind of actual sense of what the characters would feel, think, BE in a tense situation. It just felt too affected (fake) and I put it down before I even finished Ch 1. I'm sorry I can't say anything more positive. I'm not sure but I THINK it's a good story premise. I'm not sure because I didn't read enough to get the Big Picture. I'm sure from what little I did read that your execution needs to go through more drafts/revisions to get it to the caliber of execution your mind's eye so clearly desires. Keep your mind's eye on the target and read some non-fiction to get more meat onto the bones of your story. Then readers will have something to really dig into and keep reading on. (bad metaphor, I know!)

Hi Athena

The background chapter put me off this a bit, to be honest. It felt part prologue, part synopsis and seemed ti drop a lot of background information in in a way that, personally, I think could have been better done by weaving it into the story. I will admit that I skipped the second half of it because I felt like if I kept reading, I would have found out too much - I want to find out about the characters and why they're the way they are through the story itself. But, this is just my opinion.

Chapter one gets off to a good start, but the second paragraph I found difficult to read. The first sentence spanned for around 90% of the paragraph and could be broken down into lighter sentences. Halfway through the fourth paragraph you seem to slip from third to first POV - where you have 'I guess...' that threw me off a little.

It needs a lot of editing really, but the first chapter is a good base for the story itself. Oh, and you need a cover (apologies if you have one and it's going through the approval process) but on here, it really does make all the difference.

Silva

Hi Athena,

I've had a look and sorry, but I don't have good things to say. First of all, you should NEVER put an Authorial Statement in between your book and your reader. In other words, the "Background" chapter where you, the author, are speaking directly to me, the reader, is TERRIBLE and should be removed. I skipped right past it. If I cannot read the book without your personalized remarks, I don't want to try. The book should stand alone without you at my elbow helping me to understand it.

That leads me into the book, itself. I think it's going to need more than a "bit" of editing. The writing is fairly beginner-level, or so it seems to me. Right in the first line you have punctuation issues, not to mention pacing. The first sentence is too long and rambling--and for no good reason. Plus, I cringed at the oxymoronic statement that a "tired" body was "flooded with adrenaline." You've obviously never been in battle or a "fight or flight" situation and it's coming through in your writing that you're trying to pretend you know. When you don't. Don't pretend. If you don't know something, research it. If you'd like a really good reference on what happens to a human body and mind when "in combat mode," please have a look at Colonel David Grossman's ON COMBAT. He wrote a companion book called ON KILLING which is also supremely enlightening but also very disturbing (and honestly, a lot of warriors contest Grossman's findings in ON KILLING; no one contests anything from ON COMBAT. He got that one down SOLIDLY)

Given you want this to be edgy, and I read and write edgy stuff--everything from milfic and thrillers or crime/myster to space wars and even some romantic suspense!--I was expecting a little less melodrama and a lot more edge. Again, it's that you're faking it instead of giving some kind of actual sense of what the characters would feel, think, BE in a tense situation. It just felt too affected (fake) and I put it down before I even finished Ch 1. I'm sorry I can't say anything more positive. I'm not sure but I THINK it's a good story premise. I'm not sure because I didn't read enough to get the Big Picture. I'm sure from what little I did read that your execution needs to go through more drafts/revisions to get it to the caliber of execution your mind's eye so clearly desires. Keep your mind's eye on the target and read some non-fiction to get more meat onto the bones of your story. Then readers will have something to really dig into and keep reading on. (bad metaphor, I know!)

I think you have a good, solid plot here that just needs refining a bit! :)

It's interesting and draws the reader in. I'd keep reading just to find out what was going to happen.

Lou
~The Keenest Sorrow

As it is a first draft I will not point out all the typos and comas in wrong places etc. The flow of the story is written in a steady pace. The begining is very interesting and it conveys the message it meant to. The second chapter draws us into an action and tension begins. You may consider rasing a bit more tension at the end of the chapter as it ends bit too lightly there. I would like to see Wayne being really worried about his brother and not sitting in the passanger seat and looking out of the window. May be, and this is only my suggestion, Wayne takes over the steering wheel and drives crazily to save his bro. Just a suggestion. I enjoyed reading your story. Fully rated. Good luck

I read Chapter One and I think it's a solid foundation for a good book. I love the way you introduce Wayne; your descriptions of the surroundings are vivid and easy to visualize. Nick appears unexpectedly - at first I thought it was some murderer and that was the end of Wayne - and the way they move - stealthily, afraid of something/someone unknown to the reader - made me read with bated breath. I've read lots of books in Thriller/Crime genre in the past and want to say this will be a publishable material with a bit of editing.

Good luck to you with Birth of an Assassin,
Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

Hi Stark
Thank you very much for your comments, it is the best piece of constructive advice that i have had yet. There are quite a few typo errors as i accept (first draught) and your criticism of the first chapter has been previously noted. The second chapter and the events leading up to it were the original first chapter (lol). Its strange that as the story unfolds you notice that previous thoughts and drafts are far better suited on although had been disregarded.

To date i have wwitten over 150,000 words (way to much) and have yet to complete. I have so many scenarios in mind that it could well produce a further two or three additions to form a series.

Thankyou for your detailed reflection

Athena

Birth of An Assassin is a rewarding tale for those who enjoy stories where we get to see the main characters fall from a relatively innocent standing into the dark side of life. Author Athena Owl takes us on this journey with descriptive language and situations that seem realistic, at least to someone who has never been an assassin.

There are some rudimentary grammar type mistakes that need to be cleaned up. For example, in chapter two “Nick had intended his brother to here the conversation” should be hear. These mistakes are nothing that a copy editor could not fix, or even the author with a good, careful reread.

In terms of advice beyond that, I would not label the first chapter “background.” That is kind of like telling the reader to “skip this part.” Instead, start with an action sequence, show what happened before chapter two began with the kill and Nick getting wounded. You need to hook the reader up-front, and tossing out background won’t work because a reader needs to know your book is worth their investment of time. Hook them first. Prove you know how to spin a yarn. Then give them details, but never in a solid chapter. Background should be woven into the story. Take bits and pieces of it and dangle it in for them to grab. Make it like a mystery for the reader, with little details coming out here and there.

I am backing Birth of An Assassin. Though it needs a little work and re-structuring, when Birth is on, it goes really well. There is the basis of a great story here, or even a series of stories and I’m anxious to see where things go.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Birth of An Assassin is a rewarding tale for those who enjoy stories where we get to see the main characters fall from a relatively innocent standing into the dark side of life. Author Athena Owl takes us on this journey with descriptive language and situations that seem realistic, at least to someone who has never been an assassin.

There are some rudimentary grammar type mistakes that need to be cleaned up. For example, in chapter two “Nick had intended his brother to here the conversation” should be hear. These mistakes are nothing that a copy editor could not fix, or even the author with a good, careful reread.

In terms of advice beyond that, I would not label the first chapter “background.” That is kind of like telling the reader to “skip this part.” Instead, start with an action sequence, show what happened before chapter two began with the kill and Nick getting wounded. You need to hook the reader up-front, and tossing out background won’t work because a reader needs to know your book is worth their investment of time. Hook them first. Prove you know how to spin a yarn. Then give them details, but never in a solid chapter. Background should be woven into the story. Take bits and pieces of it and dangle it in for them to grab. Make it like a mystery for the reader, with little details coming out here and there.

I am backing Birth of An Assassin. Though it needs a little work and re-structuring, when Birth is on, it goes really well. There is the basis of a great story here, or even a series of stories and I’m anxious to see where things go.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Hi Athena, you asked for comments so...
There are some fairly basic issues with your writing at the moment, and some have been pointed out by others. You need to delete the background, fix up the grammar and typos. You also mix up viewpoint and past and present tense. These are fairly fundamental matters which suggest the need for you to do a writing course and read some books about writing a novel.
Clearly you can get words into a story, so keep at it. After you fix the basics, start looking at the long paragraphs and dialogue. There is a need to get into the story, and keep the pace going. Good luck!

Hi Gill
Thanks for the comments, some very good points. I was more interested in getting thoughts onto paper, and i must agree that i have left myself down with punctuation and fine details.
Im pleased to see that you have enjoyed the story so far i have more to upload and will soon. Thanks for the backing.

Athena

Hi Athena, I love the story and the characters. I agree with the comments below and in fact got bored with the background and skipped to the first chapter. The punctuation needs a little touching up here and there. In chapter 3 I noticed :-
1)Albert Hall's dome.
2)Oxford Street (capitals),
3')the notice on the door said please use side door with arrow pointing to the left' - with no punctuation and nothing to tell me whether the notice said 'please use side door' or 'please use side door with arrow pointing to the left.' Sounds picky but slows down the reading and makes the reader concentrate on irrelevancies.
Keep going with this and tightening it though, its a good story.
I've star-rated it and backed it.
Gill
'Chasing the Wind'

Hi Athena, I love the story and the characters. I agree with the comments below and in fact got bored with the background and skipped to the first chapter. The punctuation needs a little touching up here and there. In chapter 3 I noticed :-
1)Albert Hall's dome.
2)Oxford Street (capitals),
3')the notice on the door said please use side door with arrow pointing to the left' - with no punctuation and nothing to tell me whether the notice said 'please use side door' or 'please use side door with arrow pointing to the left.' Sounds picky but slows down the reading and makes the reader concentrate on irrelevancies.
Keep going with this and tightening it though, its a good story.
I've star-rated it and backed it.
Gill
'Chasing the Wind'

HI Athena
The idea of background is not for the reader, but for the writer to better wrap their heads around and breathe life into their characters. I've written pages of history and background for my characters, most of which will never see the light of the manuscript. While some of this is important to the reader, you need to break it up and feed it in later into the story, as is needed. The average reader or publisher won't pickup a book where they're being told the story. This is in essence telling us and not showing us what is happening. Cardinal rule of writing, these days, is show don't tell. Once I get into the story, your writing is very good, it flows well. I always believe in chucking my reader right into the story.
Otherwise a well written book, taking into exception previous comments regarding dialogue. There was a comment about repeating words. If for no reason, like the choice of DAd. then take it out. But some writers will repeat a certain word on a page for effect. Agatha Christie does this, analyze her books, right up your genre.
Take Care
Frank

Hi frank thanks for your comments. I know what you mean by feeding it in, (easier said than done). I have been looking at this and agree that it could well serve a purpose. As for the repeated word e.g. Dad. I think that it showed Nicks respect to his father, and that he showed a respectful dialog, a little submisive, not checky but an attitude that he didnt wish to hurt.

Athena

HI Athena
The idea of background is not for the reader, but for the writer to better wrap their heads around and breathe life into their characters. I've written pages of history and background for my characters, most of which will never see the light of the manuscript. While some of this is important to the reader, you need to break it up and feed it in later into the story, as is needed. The average reader or publisher won't pickup a book where they're being told the story. This is in essence telling us and not showing us what is happening. Cardinal rule of writing, these days, is show don't tell. Once I get into the story, your writing is very good, it flows well. I always believe in chucking my reader right into the story.
Otherwise a well written book, taking into exception previous comments regarding dialogue. There was a comment about repeating words. If for no reason, like the choice of DAd. then take it out. But some writers will repeat a certain word on a page for effect. Agatha Christie does this, analyze her books, right up your genre.
Take Care
Frank

I'm commenting quickly because I'm immediately thrown. Am I supposed to read "chapter 1" the background? It's written in the tone of you, the author, talking directly to me, the reader--or worse, like you were making notes for yourself on who your characters are or should be. Is this part of the story or does the story start with "2" here? I've watch-listed (WL) the book and will read more carefully when I'm not so distracted by time constraints. I want to give you a -fair- reading, not a quickie :)

-Friday

Hi Friday.

it starts on 2, chapter one is only background, and im in two minds about including it or not?

Athena

I'm commenting quickly because I'm immediately thrown. Am I supposed to read "chapter 1" the background? It's written in the tone of you, the author, talking directly to me, the reader--or worse, like you were making notes for yourself on who your characters are or should be. Is this part of the story or does the story start with "2" here? I've watch-listed (WL) the book and will read more carefully when I'm not so distracted by time constraints. I want to give you a -fair- reading, not a quickie :)

-Friday

Hi Althena,
The pitch interested me, so I came to check it out. It does seem that you have some promising characters and they come out strong. Outside the background, the story itself is promising. I would suggest that you weave in the background. it doesn't seem to fit and you don't want to dump a pile onto your reader's shoulders. You want to leave a little mystery behind each of your characters. Rated high though.

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Birth of an Assassin
Hi Athena,
I liked the look of your pitch and have read a couple of chapters so far. You have created some promising characters and an intriguing story-line, twinning Nick’s attempts to come to terms with his past and he and Wayne’s involvement with crime, which you have started to hint at in the chapter I've just read. Highly rated ******
Kat x Hens from Hell

The background info is all right but it reads like a book report. May I suggest you weave this into your story rather than exposition, Show don't tell is the comment I have been quoted by so many who have read my books and I am doing rewrites on all my books at the moment. I must say writing the books is a lot ore fun then editing and getting the things ready for publications, it is taking more time to put them right than it did to write them, but that is the beauty of sites like this, it gives one the chance to have other eyes look over your work with a critical opinion.

I noticed a few typos and capitalisation errors too in chapter one but I'm sure there are some in my book too. I think it has great promise as I'm interested to learn more about Mr Park & Nick's working relationshipo and the exact nature of their business. Wayne seems to me like he needs to toughen up a bit but I expect he will. Definitely has promise although I'm not really a big reader of organised crime novels, preferring the maverick detective Inspector type of novel, Ian Ranklin style. I wish you all the best with it. I will think about shelf space in a while when I have read more but I couldn't get the thing that changes text size to work properly ands my eyesight isn't great so I struggled a bit.

You asked and I am keen to help, There were many typo's and capitalisation mistakes throughout the eleven chapters that I read. The work need cleaning up. But that aside the story starts off too slow, and gives away what appears to be the ending. The time lines need some attention. That having been said the story is a good idea and it improved as it went along, A rework of the first chapter may be something you should consider.
I liked the concept and I think you have something here to be proud off, When you get the rest of it done and up let me know I would like to see where it goes from here. All the best.
Jonny

this isn't the genre i typically read, but i responded to your request for feedback. i think your short pitch is effective. i'm interested in the concept of estranged brothers reuniting.

you need a comma after army, at he start of the 2nd paragraph- in the long pitch.

consider combining these two vague lines into one that has more clarity and interest: An opportunity for extra income arises which leads to more than he had thought poSsible. The horrors of syndicate crime makes use of his aCquired skills where the rewards are great.


your opening chapter begins with background- the heading even notifies the reader of this. you totally lose my interest. i think you need to find a way to weave this info into an active scene that captures and holds the reader's attention. you have to make me care about your character before i'm willing to read this much history. and, especially in a thriller genre, i think the pace has to be much faster.

good luck.

You clearly understand your characters, and I like the depth they have. With a few exceptions, they all seem to act in accordance with their roles and personalities.
However, a good book shouldn't need pages of background; that information should be worked into your story. When a reader picks up a book, they have nothing invested in it. It's your job, in the first sentence, the first paragraph, and in the first four pages, to capture your reader's attention. You have to make them want to continue reading, and it takes a fair bit of interest for a reader to knuckle down and slog through some backstory.

There are some odd (and some incorrect) word choices - for example, "apart that" is not valid. There are so many things you could replace it with, too! Have you been reading a lot of good-quality literature lately? Sometimes, you'll find that reading other well-structured books can enhance the quality of your own writing.

I suppose I should have mentioned this closer to the beginning, but you have *tons* of run-on sentences. Sentence fragments (a subject, a verb, and a predicate) can only be joined with a comma and conjunction, a semicolon, or a dash (if it's an aside or in-line explanation). You can't simply join a bunch of sentences together with commas and hope it holds; that's not how this works.

There are a few places where dialogue isn't handled properly. Dialogue needs to be enclosed in quotation marks, and, if someone else starts speaking, you have to put their dialogue on a new line. I noticed that, in the Background, Nick says the word "dad" repeatedly in his sentences - for example, "Please DAD, please don't make Wayne my responsibility, that's not fair, I have no life anymore DAD, look at yourself, I'm at my wits end DAD." You might want to go back through and look for areas where the same word is repeated a lot.

Every writer has their Achilles' heel. Mine, for example, is pacing - I have a difficult time writing what happens "between the action." A much more common problem to find, especially on this site, is an unfamiliarity with basic grammar rules. Don't get discouraged about this! Your ideas are good, and you've got the gumption to put your thoughts down on a page. Your characters are mostly believable, too, so go find an English textbook and get some review time in!

As the story's still unfinished, I'm sure most of this stuff'll come out in editing. Looking forward to reading it once it's done!

this complex thriller is written with great pace and style suitable for the genre...
l have backed already.
read SEASONS...

Hello Athena,

This a good story about the things we cherish - the likes of Adam loving Nick like his own, as well those that keep us toes – like children not doing well at school; and things that we fell short of expectation like Nick's spending 4 years without making endeavoring to find out or reach out to people at home;l and of course we are always paid in the same measure - the pay-off such abuse of not contacting his parent and other instead those he least expected and wanted favors from contacted – all, more life dismays than happiness.

Will read on.

Julius B.

Reading the short pitch caught my interest. The long pitch I found this sentence long-The opportunity....perhaps drop the as and start The horrors.....
I read the first chapter and enjoyed it. I felt for Wayne losing both his brother and father. This is such a blow to any child and understand why he bahaves in the manner that he does. Well done.
I have rated the book and hope to get back to read more.
Regards, Red

I have read through the Background and felt you have done a good job in setting up the tone for the rest of the chapters. What is good about this book is that it is incredibly fast and there are no boring drags anywhere...Loved the first chapter and would read the rest of it and come back with comments and feedback.

This is the sort of book I can read in one sitting. I am very much enjoying what I have read so far - it actually reads like an already published peice of work, I have to keep reminding myself that this is a pre-published site! Nick is a very believable and endearing character so far, easy to imagine. I hope you post more chapters soon. Thanks for the entertainment! I'd certainly buy this book so I am putting it on my shelf. Starring it, as well. Henry

I read your first chapter.

General comment: An interesting start. Capitvating characters. Good descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Wayne & Nick are step brothers ... ' Spell out '&.' There are more cases where '&' should be spelled out.
2) 'Nick (25) is the eldest by 7 years ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are many more cases where numbers should be spelled out.
3) ' ... mum Sally being white while dad Albert ... ' Capitalize 'mum' and 'dad.' These are kinship terms. When a kinship term is combined with a person's name, the kinship term is capitalized.
4) ' ... however he left home when nick was only ... ' Capitalize 'nick.'
5) ' ... a week before Nicks seventh birthday.' Nicks (plural) should be Nick's (possessive). There are many more cases where you use the plural form when the possessive form is appropriate.
6) 'Things were certainly improved for Nick and his Mum, ... ' 'Mum' should be lowercase. 'Mum' is a kinship term. When a kinship term is used, unmodified, as a name for a person, it is a proper noun and is capitalized. When a kinship term is modified (usually with a pronoun), it becomes a common noun. Common nouns are lowercase.
7) ' ... his biological dad was 6 ft 5 " tall.' Spell out 'ft' and ".
8) Hyphenate 'self confidence.'
9) Wayne asked "What's the matter Dad" Comma after 'asked.' 'Wayne asked' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag precedes dialogue, the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma. Also, put a comma after 'matter.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with a comma. Finally, put a question mark at the end of this sentence.
10) 'On hearing the commotion mum made her way to him ... ' Capitalize 'mum.' In this context, 'mum' is a proper noun and should be capitalized. There are more cases of this type of problem.
11) "Mums got cancer" Mums (plural) should be Mum's (contraction for Mum has). Also, put a period at the end of this sentence.

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a good day.

Al