Book Jacket

 

rank 913
word count 83222
date submitted 16.07.2011
date updated 21.04.2012
genres: Literary Fiction, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

Things That Happen in Restaurants

Khaula Mazhar

Ayesha’s worst nightmare would be to live in Pakistan and with the death of her father, it just came true.

 


In the midst of Pakistan’s eternal turmoil, Ayesha’s mother makes the astonishing decision to move her children from Canada to one of the most dangerous cities of the world, Karachi. Ayesha and her siblings are shocked by the sounds of crossfire between rival political groups ripping through the silence of the night. The morning headlines are filled with terrifying stories of the butchered bodies of young men found in gunny sacks. The political flare-up seems to have infected the already arid summer with unbearable heat and there are constant electricity shortages. Frustration is high and tolerance low, Ayesha’s aunt doesn’t appreciate the unexpected additions to her household and her other aunt is pressuring Ayesha’s newly widowed mother to remarry. It is unsafe for Ayesha to go out on her own, not that there are many places to go besides restaurants. That is where most of her life changing experiences seem to occur. Ayesha feels that things will never get better but then she meets Mikhail. Caring and sensitive he brings some sanguinity into her bleak life. But she doesn’t know who he really is and he doesn’t know how long he can hide the truth from her.

 
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dealing with the loss of a loved one, foreign customs, multi-cultural, tragedy, ya

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                                                        CHAPTER 1
 
                                                             August 1995
 
                                                      Canada to Pakistan
 

 
     Her body was getting numb from the lack of movement, the flight seemed like it would never end.  In a way Ayesha didn’t want it to end, the plane wouldn’t land and she would never have to bury her beloved father. It didn’t seem real, she was sitting up here and somewhere in a cold pitiless box laid her father. Just days ago he had been warm living flesh. She could still feel his strong reassuring hand holding hers, hear his laugh, but it was getting vaguer, he was slipping away. She was frozen, he was fading. She couldn’t feel the reality of her loss and he would disappear before she would.
 
     She looked out the window at the fluffy white clouds, they were tinged with pink from the rising sun. Her baffled mind kept wandering, not wanting to dwell in the present. She thought back to when she used to lie in her backyard and gaze at the sky, imagining what it would be like to sink in to the clouds. A sudden image of two young girls lying in the grass came to her mind. It seemed like centuries ago, had she imagined it?
 
“Maria, I have to ask you something really weird, so don’t laugh.”
 
“You always have to tell me something weird, Ayesha, have I laughed before?”
 
“Do you ever get this wish to lie in the clouds? To just …I don’t know, be absorbed into those colors, orange, pink, silvery blue. It’s just so beautiful, it kind of hurts…”
 
     Maria turned over on her side to look at her friend and said in her most analytical voice, “You have an overly developed, highly aesthetic sense… And you’re bloody weird too!” Then she burst out laughing.
 
But her father hadn’t laughed, Faizan just smiled knowingly.
 
“I feel like that too sometimes. When I was a boy…”
 
“Would you like a drink?”
 
Ayesha snapped back to her surroundings, no! He was so clear...gone like the reflection in a pond ...inadvertently, by a passing swan drifting, blissfully ignorant.
 
“Are you okay?”
 
     The airhostess smiled at her, oblivious of her cruel intrusion, politely offering a drink. Ayesha asked for a coke and sipped it slowly. It was ice cold, just the way she felt inside. Why couldn’t she cry, or scream or beat the walls with her fists? She was far away, every emotion had been stripped from her heart. Maybe everything had all died with her father.

She turned to look at her mother. Naheed was so beautiful, and Ayesha had always wished she had looked like her mother. The typical Eastern beauty, golden skin, huge eyes, small rosebud mouth and jet black thick hair rolled into a bun. She would never forget the way her father would look at her mother, so lovingly, so full of pride, the stuff fairy tale romances were made of. How would her mother feel without that look? She wondered if her mother would ever wear lipstick again.

“Oh God, how could I think of something so stupid at a time like this?” She whispered to herself.  But nothing was making sense, her mind kept drifting from memories to insignificant thoughts and everything in between. Maybe she would wake up from this nightmare. She wanted to cry, she felt so guilty. What would her father think of his dearly loved, eldest daughter? She hadn’t mourned him with the oceans of tears he deserved.
 
     She looked at the people around her, sleeping, reading… living. Life didn’t stop for anyone. Some idiot was trying to flirt with one of the young airhostesses. She looked very pretty in her light and dark green shaded uniform. He looked like a complete imbecile.
 
“Stupid Dubai palat desi.” she muttered under her breath with extreme disgust as she contemplated his too tight jeans, red T-shirt and cheap sunglasses. He was flashing a paan stained smile at the patient young lady, imagining her to be appropriately impressed with his incredibly bad English grammar. What was it with Pakistanis and the English language anyways? She thought back to her last trip to Pakistan. Her cousins’ friends had been so impressed with her English and she would feel so foolish because she could communicate perfectly well in Urdu. It was like a status symbol. If you spoke in English, especially in crowded places where a lot of people could hear you, you were really cool.
 
     Somewhere in the distance she could hear a voice. It was the flight attendant making an announcement. They were going to land shortly and they had to fasten their seatbelts. She turned to her younger brother and sister to wake them.
 
“Maaz, wake up. I have to fasten your seatbelt.”
 
“No Dad! Let me sleep,” he mumbled dreaming. Ayesha was helpless against the pain dictating their lives. There was nothing she could do to defend herself or her young siblings.

Maaz was only ten and had been very attached to their father, but hadn’t they all? When the dead body had been brought to their house he had tried to fight the tears and be brave but he couldn’t. He had clung to his mother and cried so painfully, he couldn’t look at his dead father. That lifeless stranger just couldn’t be his father, nothing could happen to his father. He wouldn’t talk to anyone, he just kept crying quietly and held his mother’s hand tightly, afraid to let go. He was so terrified of being separated from his mother as though something would happen to her too. His big black eyes had lost their sparkle and were haunted by dark shadows underneath them. He had made himself his father’s constant companion ever since he had learned to walk.
 
     Khadija looked like a miniature of their mother. She was five years old and what she said usually became the law. Her doting father happily indulged her every whim. Her mother lovingly joked that Khadija was his burappay ki aulad, he had been only forty-two. Unlike her brother, Khadija had clung to her dead father and begged him to wake up. The scene had been too much to bear and Ayesha shuddered as she recalled it. She had left the room, trying to get away from the situation, not wanting to believe what had happened. Their mother just sat there, not crying, not moving. Nanni had quickly pulled the wailing Khadija off her father and cradling her like a baby, taken her out of the room.
 
     Nanni was their next-door neighbor. She was practically everyone’s Nanni. She had come to live with her son-in-law and daughter years ago and had immediately assumed the role of grandmother to every Pakistani and even non-Pakistani child in the vicinity. Ayesha would miss her deeply, she still couldn’t believe all that they were leaving behind.

She didn’t want to oppose her mother and part of her knew there was never any other choice. But she just couldn’t imagine that this is where they would end up. What about all the plans they had made? What about her friends, her beautiful home, her freedom? Ayesha had gotten a glimpse of what Pakistan was during their last visit. She didn’t want to hurt her parents’ feelings, but she hated the heat, which got worse with the disappearances of electricity throughout the whole scorching summer. And being trapped in the house all the time had almost driven her crazy. The only way she could go out anywhere was if an adult took her, as if she was a baby! She couldn’t walk to the library or take a bus to the mall by herself, there wasn’t a public library nearby and the open dusty bazaars didn’t hold much attraction. She had been so relieved to get back home to Canada. She had wanted her father to promise they would never go back to live there, and Ayesha’s father had teased her that he would marry her off in Pakistan.

“We will come and visit you every year! Think of it, no more snow, just sun and palm trees...”
 
“You make it sound like Florida Dad! What about the dirty streets and the overflowing gutters, not to mention the crime rate. And I guess having a corrupt government is the latest fashion?”
 
“Oh come on Aish! Karachi is on the coast of the Arabian Sea. You don’t have any sea sides in Ontario do you?”
 
“No! And we don’t have any beggars sleeping in the streets or the electricity disappearing or riots and curfews. Really Dad I’m a boring person, dull old Canada is fine for me.”
 
     But dull old Canada was slipping away too. She almost felt mad at her father, he shouldn’t have joked about it. It was coming true, she was going to live in Pakistan. Only her father would never visit.
 
     The final good-byes at the Toronto airport had been agonizing. All their friends and neighbors had been there. Ayesha had absolutely no idea of what had been going on, neither had her mother. It was such a long and confusing process, but their friends and neighbors had taken care of everything from school records to death records.  Ayesha’s father would be “officially dead” in a couple of weeks. He would be buried in Pakistan much before that.
 
    The drunk driver would get life imprisonment. Naheed felt no sense of justice, her husband was gone, torn away forever. Faizan had never hurt anyone in his life, he was too good to have suffered for hours as life slowly drained out of him. No consequence could ever balance the scales. Everyone had known the outcome, to them it was just a dreary bit of news. Life imprisonment? Oh, that’s too bad, or good, he deserves it, but what difference does it make really? Faizan wasn’t coming back.   
 
   Their beautiful house would be sold off along with all the things they couldn’t take with them. All the things that had been so special to them, Ayesha thought sadly of each and every one of their belongings. Her father had indulged Naheed’s finicky whims and everything had its own unique meaning for them.  They would all be bought by some strangers, who would never value those things, would never know how important those things had been to Ayesha and her family. They would just be bargains they got at a garage sale.

Nanni’s son in law, Mehmood, arranged for everything. Selling the house, insurance and bills to immediate tickets and special transport for the dead body to its last destination, Pakistan.  Mehmood and Faizan had been friends before they had come to Canada. They had been classmates in University, been through thick and thin and shared so much of their lives that Mehmood felt as though he had lost his brother. He was so helpless, he didn’t want Naheed to take her children back to Pakistan but he knew she had no choice. A young widow raising three children on her own in a “foreign” country when she had two families to go to, it was unheard of in their culture.   Her family would want her to live with them or with her in-laws so she could get the support she needed for her children and herself. Mehmood would miss his friend’s children profoundly. He had known each of them since they were born. Their houses had been so full, his four children and Faizan’s three, in and out of each other’s houses all the time.  Taking care of Faizan’s final worldly affairs seemed so insubstantial, but it was all he could do now for his best friend’s grieving family.
 
     Mehmood’s daughter, Maria was Ayesha’s best friend. They had grown up together and Maria didn’t have any sisters, just three rowdy brothers, all the more reason to be at Ayesha’s most of the time. Maria was a real beauty, silky black hair, hazel eyes and tanned skin. She always wore clothes that were slightly daring in Ayesha’s eyes, but Ayesha adored her, she admired her for being everything that she herself wasn’t. They were exact opposites, maybe that’s why their attraction was so strong.
 
     Maria held on to Ayesha at the airport not wanting to let go. She was losing the sister she had always wanted. She was crying so hard, she couldn’t get the words out properly, the lump in her throat was choking her. Ayesha just hugged her silently. There were no tears on her part, she was unemotional, but Maria understood her unspoken anguish. She knew Ayesha inside and out, she knew all the pain that was trapped inside tearing her friend apart.
 
“We’ll talk on the phone....” She swallowed a sob, “I’ll write to you … everyday…  and I’ll

phone. I’ll miss you so much……….” She couldn’t go on.
 
     Ayesha rubbed her eyes, trying to rub out all the images coming back to her again and again. The plane was landing. Ayesha pulled out the tray, put her pillow on it, stuck her face in the pillow and her fingers in her ears. She braced herself for the landing; she hated travelling on a plane. Now it would be the last time.
 
                                                                                #
 
Walking down the cool crowded corridor, Naheed pulled her dupatta down a little further on her forehead, holding it tighter under her chin. She was aware of the admiring glances and suddenly felt embarrassed. She was supposed to be in Iddat and should not be seen by any males, but she couldn’t have stayed in that house any longer. She felt as though she would lose her mind seeing Faizan in every room. Everywhere she looked, she saw him watching her, then disappearing when she reached out, he looked so sad. She just wanted to get her children out. She had to come back home, she needed her family. She couldn’t leave her husband behind. She owed it to his mother and family, to let them see their favorite son for the last time. She couldn’t leave her husband behind because her son would visit his father’s grave and recite prayers for him. She couldn’t leave her husband behind because someday she would be buried next to him.
 
     She had dressed in the drabbest clothes she had. It was a brown, loose shalwar kameez suit she had sewn when she was pregnant with Khadija. It was comfortable and had hidden her protruding stomach very well. After Khadija was born Faizan wouldn’t let her wear it.
 
“This is for old women. I don’t want to see you wearing it ever again.”
 
“But Faizan, it’s so comfortable. I’ll only use it as a night suit.”
 
“Throw it away! I won’t let you sleep in my bed with that thing on!”
 
“Okay! I’ll keep it for when I’m old. Fine?”
 
He had pinched her cheek playfully, “You’ll never grow old.”
 
“No Faizan, you’ll never grow old”, thought Naheed as tears welled up in her eyes.
 
He had never wanted her to wear anything that wasn’t stylish. He loved the way she looked. But what he had loved most was her modesty, she would wear anything for him, but when she went out she always covered herself properly. Now she felt uncomfortable, exposed, and vulnerable. She wished she had worn a burqa and naqab.  She didn’t want anyone to see her. Her beauty was only for her husband and now he wouldn’t be there to appreciate it.
 
     They were waiting in line for their baggage to be inspected by the customs official. Naheed held Khadija’s hand tightly and turned to check on Ayesha and Maaz. Ayesha looked so much like her father. It almost hurt to look at her. It had stung Naheed that Ayesha was not beautiful, but at least she was showing potential of growing prettier. She was a little gangly, making a late transition from caterpillar to butterfly, sixteen soon to be seventeen. Her eyes were large, light brown and had the same honest expression as Faizan’s. She stood the same way her father had, shoulders and back straight, not slouching, like other girls her age. One leg stuck out slightly in front of the other. Very confident, almost as if she were modeling clothes for a picture.
 
Ayesha was wearing black culottes and a long loose fitted gray shirt. Her head was covered by untamable, wavy dark brown hair, which she refused to cover. She had been Faizan’s favorite, and although he denied that he had a favorite, he adored his eldest daughter. Ayesha had enjoyed her reign as the sole princess of the house for six years. But it hadn’t spoiled her, she was dependable and perceptive. She had never given her parents a hard time. Now she had new responsibilities propelled at her, but was she ready for them? Naheed had been amazed at the strength she had shown these past few days. But she felt regret, Ayesha was still a baby, her baby and she could do nothing to make this nightmare go away. She wanted to take her into her arms the way she did when Ayesha was younger. Faizan had loved to cuddle her. He wouldn’t be there for his daughter when she needed him, to share her sorrows or joys. He would never see her as a bride. Naheed turned away from her daughter’s face quickly feeling tears well up again. Everything was becoming so unbearable. She wondered when she was going to crack and then what would become of her already distraught children.
 
     The customs officers were saying something politely, but Naheed couldn’t understand. Nothing was registering. She just nodded and they started moving on again. All four of them walked in silence, while all around was the bustle of people, walking, talking, laughing, anticipating meeting loved ones. Finally they came to the big open glass doors and were greeted by the intense humidity of Karachi’s summer. A sweltering August. And it was not just the weather, the political situation was boiling too.

The crowds of people made it seem even worse. People waving, calling, running to meet someone or the other. All the faces were unfamiliar, smiling, happy. What right did they have to be so happy? Then among the sea of unknown faces, there were familiar ones with expressions that matched their own. Eyes full of pain and disbelief. Suddenly they were surrounded, the sound of silence finally broken. Now they could hear the crying, they could feel painful daggers once again ripping through their hearts. The tears they could not shed were now flowing madly. Ayesha looked at her mother being enveloped by her grandmothers and her aunts, Naheed was crying like she never had before. The pillar of strength had finally been crushed in the loving arms of her family. Ayesha turned to look for Khadija and Maaz. They had been taken up by uncles and aunts. Ayesha felt strange, she felt distant. She didn’t realize she was walking away from them. What was happening? It was so hot and humid, the sunlight was blinding, the sounds of crying seemed to get louder and louder. It was as though someone was screaming in her ears. But still she could not cry. She was the only one not crying. She was staring at that mourning mob like an outsider. Suddenly she felt very scared and alone. She just wanted her father. Her knees felt weak, her head was pounding, then her stomach could take no more, she threw up. She couldn’t control herself any longer and didn’t care who saw and who didn’t. She was absolutely lost and terrified. Where was her father? Everything was getting dim, she blacked out. Strong arms picked her up and perfectly manicured hands cleaned her face, a straw was pushed into her mouth and she automatically started drinking. A cold fluid seeped down her throat and she became aware of people around her. Before she looked to see who had picked her up, she knew who it was.
 
Bhai Jan? Sabeen baji?” asked Ayesha, barely whispering.
 
“We’re here, don’t worry. Did you think we would forget you?” replied a soothing feminine voice.
 
Her cousins, Sabeen and Hasan had reached her before she fell.  They were the only ones who heard her cry out for her father before she fainted.
 

 
                                                             

Chapters

1

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fayha wrote 433 days ago

Beautifully written very touching. Proud to have it on my bookshelf.

Jannypeacock wrote 654 days ago

I really liked this. I tend to avoid books that deal with various cultures as often the writer tends to be offering more of an education than entertainment, but you strike a beautiful balance between both. Perhaps is because Ayesha is such a likeable MC, the reader becomes totally immersed in the story because of this.
Janny

AlexiaDeAngelis wrote 658 days ago

I've just poked my nose into this, having been lured by the pitch and the subject. I welled up after the first two sentences and again as you describe how Ayesha's father used to look at her mother with adoration. In my book I have alot of foreign terms and I have tried to describe immediately after mentioning them what they mean. I know its really difficult when you have so many relevant things in mind - I wanted to add so many more, but then I also wanted to reader to relate to the story.
Anyway, absolutely love your story, and really wish you the best of luck with it :) Backed with six stars. I cannot believe this isn't on more bookshelves?!

Alexia
Confessions of a Dervish

Nici wrote 695 days ago

I've read the opening chapters and was hooked from the start by the idea, the main character and the two cultures. The way it's written got me involved and I think it would work for young adult/cross-over to adult readers.

I agree with the previous comment on footnotes - they interrupt the story. What I've done in my novels to get round this, either with foreign language or with technical/historical terms, is to write the English or a definition immediately after the term you've put a footnote for.

e.g. his burappay ki aulad, the child of his old age (I think that is more natural English word order) It works surprisingly well as a technique in keeping the flavour without losing the meaning.

Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

Claire_E wrote 699 days ago

My comments tend to be a disjointed list of the thoughts I have as I read. Hope that works for you.

I would change "getting" to "becoming", not for any technical reason really, just cos I think it would flow better.

I like the way you show the disjointed thought process through your prose, very clever.

Personally I wouldn't have footnotes in a story. This is very textbooky and interrupts the flow of the read. Any translations can be put in square brackets.

I think this is beautifully written and your descriptions are excellent. Good luck.

dan nicolai wrote 227 days ago

Just read the first page, this is great. Drama & strong characters. Will check out the rest of it soon.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 396 days ago

THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN RESTAURANTS
This is an interesting story: a young woman moving from a country where war never happens to one where bullets fly past the house at night. Ayesha is a good main character; she’s likable and sympathetic because of her love for her father and having to make this dramatic move. It’s interesting you mention the heat; I have a neighbor who was stationed in in Iraq not that long again and the main thing he talks about is the unrelenting temperature. I like the way your characters think in their native language; lets you describe scenes with a richness that kept pulling me into the story. Very well written. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Sharda D wrote 431 days ago

Hi,
here for our reading swap.
I liked this, you have a lovely writing style. There is some beautiful imagery, and the writing is very lyrical.

Some small niggles...
1) Felt there were quite a few characters introduced in the first chapter. This is fine, but you may need to spend a little more time giving each character a visual/verbal marker so that we can keep track more easily. I found it a bit confusing. I am tired tho'!!
2) There seems to be alot of description and explanation in chapter 1. I'd like a little more action to draw the reader in quicky. Again, that' s just me.

Apart from that, there is plenty to like here.
Will give you 5 stars,
All the best,
Sharda.
Please take a look at mine when you have the time. No pressure.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Eddie Santos wrote 432 days ago

I backed Things That Happen in Restaurants by mistake when I was trying to add it to my watching list to read later. Thanks God I did, because I would either have to remove it from my shelf or start reading it straight away and I chose to start reading. The book is still on my shelf and it will be there for a few days to give it the support it needs to go up in the rank. It is a beautiful and well written story and I am enjoying every single line of what you write. Thanks for having written it. I am giving it 6 stars and will leave it on my shelf for a few days. I am sure many people will read it and it will be very successfull. I rotate books on my shelf after they are there for a few days, but when you get closer to the editor's desk as you will, please do not hesitate to ask me to back your book again as it will be a pleasure.
Eddie

fayha wrote 433 days ago

Beautifully written very touching. Proud to have it on my bookshelf.

Melissa Koehler wrote 573 days ago

i think the description in your novel is great. i could sympathize easily with your characters. one thing id like to suggest is changing your long pitch. i found that you almost summarized your book and packed way too much information into one paragraph. i also think your book would benefit from breaking down your paragraphs- some of them seem a tad long. i wish you the very best of luck with this.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Walden Carrington wrote 645 days ago

Khaula,
I felt great sympathy for Ayesha as I read the account. She is a sympathetic protagonist who must adjust to a whole new culture and the reader has much to learn while reading this well-researched story.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Jannypeacock wrote 654 days ago

I really liked this. I tend to avoid books that deal with various cultures as often the writer tends to be offering more of an education than entertainment, but you strike a beautiful balance between both. Perhaps is because Ayesha is such a likeable MC, the reader becomes totally immersed in the story because of this.
Janny

AlexiaDeAngelis wrote 658 days ago

I've just poked my nose into this, having been lured by the pitch and the subject. I welled up after the first two sentences and again as you describe how Ayesha's father used to look at her mother with adoration. In my book I have alot of foreign terms and I have tried to describe immediately after mentioning them what they mean. I know its really difficult when you have so many relevant things in mind - I wanted to add so many more, but then I also wanted to reader to relate to the story.
Anyway, absolutely love your story, and really wish you the best of luck with it :) Backed with six stars. I cannot believe this isn't on more bookshelves?!

Alexia
Confessions of a Dervish

Nicole Ellis wrote 687 days ago

I finished chapter one and enjoyed it from the start. I can truly feel this family's pain and the stark airport setting is a perfect backdrop and juxtoposition to the emotional turmoil they are facing . i can feel our protagonist's angst at moving to Pakistan. One suggestion-- the swan comment kind of took me out of the overall mood you created. The metaphore didnt seem to work for me there. In all, great descriptions, rich I really enjoyed it and could tell this is going to be a rich and engaging novel.

Best,
N

Nici wrote 695 days ago

I've read the opening chapters and was hooked from the start by the idea, the main character and the two cultures. The way it's written got me involved and I think it would work for young adult/cross-over to adult readers.

I agree with the previous comment on footnotes - they interrupt the story. What I've done in my novels to get round this, either with foreign language or with technical/historical terms, is to write the English or a definition immediately after the term you've put a footnote for.

e.g. his burappay ki aulad, the child of his old age (I think that is more natural English word order) It works surprisingly well as a technique in keeping the flavour without losing the meaning.

Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

Claire_E wrote 699 days ago

My comments tend to be a disjointed list of the thoughts I have as I read. Hope that works for you.

I would change "getting" to "becoming", not for any technical reason really, just cos I think it would flow better.

I like the way you show the disjointed thought process through your prose, very clever.

Personally I wouldn't have footnotes in a story. This is very textbooky and interrupts the flow of the read. Any translations can be put in square brackets.

I think this is beautifully written and your descriptions are excellent. Good luck.

CarolinaAl wrote 700 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A touching start. A sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Plenty of local details that evoke Pakistan. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "You always have to tell me something weird Ayesha, ... " Comma after 'weird.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you address someone but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
2) "To just ....... I don't know, be absorbed into those colors, ... " When using an ellipsis ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more than three dots is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure are what you mean to imply with seven dots. You don't want that. There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) 'She thought to herself.' 'She' should be lowercase.
4) "Damn hypocrite" Period after 'hypocrite.'
5) "Let me sleep." He mumbled. Comma after 'sleep' and 'He' should be lowercase. 'He mumbled' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation) and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
6) 'Ayesha felt her heart wrench.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her heart 'wrenching' so vividly the reader will experience it along with Ayesha. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story. There are more cases of 'felt' in this chapter.
7) Hyphenate 'son in law.'
8) 'Mr. And Mrs. Pecchia had given notice to the children's school ... ' 'And' should be lowercase.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your continuing support of "Savannah Fire."

Have a wonderful day.

Al

khaula mazhar wrote 700 days ago

Have just put in a revised chapter one

Nigel Fields wrote 700 days ago

I enjoyed reading through chapter 4 today. I felt well-submerged in the culture when at Faizan's funeral. This scene was well done. I was especially moved by the memories, such as when he was held as a child. I also thought you handled well the conflict Ayesha met when trying to get her school admissions form. This was quite vivid. I'm interested to see this story unfold. Highly starred today.
Best,
John B Campbell

karenrosario wrote 700 days ago

The premise is great, and anyone who has lived with two different cultures will identify with a lot of Ayesha's feelings. I have only read chapter 1 so far, so this is based on that...
I like how you capture the cruel intrusion of the airhostess- its a detail that we can all identify with. You are very insightful with the observations you make (e.g. wondering if her mother will ever wear lipstick again). Ayesha has a strong personality, and she appears very complex. I like her a lot.
That said, I found the outburst regarding the man from Dubai a little abrupt and harsh- possibly it seemed to contain quite a lot of anger- "loser", "stupid, fools", "damn hypocrite". I would consider cutting down on that slightly. Possibly just having "Stupid Dubai palat desi,". It appears that at this point she is unable to focus properly on her emotions so a fleeting contempt for the man seems more fitting than such strong disdain.

There is a lot that is very touching about this first chapter- her bewilderment at what is going to happen, her stifled grief, little details such as her father being 'offically dead' in three weeks, her father joking about her living in Pakistan and now it being true but without him, her brother calling out for their father in his sleep, the blending of cultures (I like the carefully placed pakistani words- although on the odd occasion they break the flow. Consider footnotes rather than in brackets?).

On the whole I enjoyed the first chapter, although from about midway I did start to want to skip ahead- I think there was a lot of detail about relationships and logistics (contacting family to arrange for tickets, the friendship of Mehmood and Faizan) that, although is necessary to know at some point, could possibly be shifted to a bit later in the book as it slowed the action down. From the moment of her trying to wake her brother and sister I kind of wanted her to arrive pretty much immediately, so the details on past events and other things bored me slightly. This could just be my impatience though- I don't doubt the necessity of the details, just possibly the placing of it.

One other thing that I have a slight question about is the fact that the story begins "August 1995". The story immediately feels dated and I would question whether you need to give it a date. I'm guessing the story goes through several years, hence the date, but I wonder if you need to date it or not... I haven't read on so I don't know. And maybe its fine, it could just be me, I just get put off if I begin a story and it says "1998" or "2003" or something. It doesn't feel immediate or current.

I like the front cover :-)

RossClark1981 wrote 700 days ago

- Ayesha -

(Based on the first three authonomy chapters)

I enjoyed reading this. I teach a course in migration studies and my own focus lies on intergenerational differences between migrants so there was certainly a lot in Ayesha to hook me in. The premise is an original one as I haven’t come across a novel before that deals with someone from a second generation migrant background ‘returning’ to the old country. There is a lot of scope in this story for emotional turmoil as the MC faces not only the problems of trying to fit into a culture that is almost alien but also identity crises as she faces the possibility of rejection for being too western. There is a very well observed scene in the third chapter posted here for example in which Ayesha faces a level of unwarranted rudeness from a college admissions officer that would be stunning to someone not used to how things are done in the country. That scene made me smile as it reminded me a lot of my own experience of living in foreign countries.

I enjoyed the writing too. The somber mood of grief is well set up in the opening chapter and controlled throughout. In chapter one we have a daughter’s grief and in chapter three (authonomy chapter 2) we have a mother’s, the latter being perhaps even more moving. There are some very nice observations of culture too. I liked finding out about attitudes towards workers returning from Dubai and the way the inter-relationships between family members was dealt with.

I do have the feeling that some polishing and ironing out is still needed though. Nothing major, mostly cosmetic things. To wit:

-The opening paragraph has a lot of sentences that begin after commas. I’m hopeless at punctuation myself but I think you’d have to either make a choice between using semi-colons or starting a new sentence here. Someone more versed in these things could advise you better than myself though.

-There is a fair bit of repetition. So in the third chapter posted for example, we have “large grassless field” closely followed by “dusty hot field” and then we hear about the “depressing lack of grass”. If you were to go through the MS and try to eliminate the repetition , I think you’d be able to hone and tighten things a lot more. As a side note, repetition certainly does not mean that someone isn’t talented – Nikolai Gogol is famous/infamous for his inability to rid his manuscripts of repetition.

-The last point I’d make is with the bracketed translations of the words in Urdu in chapter one. I’d advise removing these as they bring the author out of the narrative and the fictional world they have entered. I implement foreign words into my own manuscript and I learned somewhere along the way that there are different ways of dealing with it. One way is that you can ‘teach’ the reader the words – you can make it obvious from the context what the word means. So, for example, where the brother is affectionately addressed in one of the chapters, it’s not necessary to give a definition of the word because we know that it’s a brother-sister relationship and the tone and context let us know that the word is affectionate. The other option, if the context cannot be made clear and the understanding of the foreign word is important, is to have the foreign word in italics, then a comma, then the English word. Personally, I don’t mind if I can’t figure out exactly what a foreign word means in a text because I have some idea and not knowing precisely lets my imagination go and a ride thinking about it. It increases the magic of it for me.

Anyway, I hope there was something useful in there. As I say, I’ve enjoyed this and I’ll watchlist it now for a spin on my shelf when I have some space.

All the best with it,

Ross

Robert Slimm wrote 700 days ago

Hi Khaula
I just gave you 6 stars and placed the book on my watchlist where it will remain for all eternity.
''Ayesha'' is a cracking story and I think this book is well underrated!
Hope it all works out in the end until then keep writing you have the knack for sure.
kind regards.
R Slimm

J.Kinkade wrote 701 days ago

Highly rated for the pitch alone (I may be biased, however.) I can't wait to dive into this story. Pakistan is the most fascinating place imaginable, but going there under less than desirable circumstances would have to awful. Anyway, six stars. I'll be back for more in a bit. Cheers until then, JKinkade

khaula mazhar wrote 702 days ago

have done some editing on chapter one and added English translations in brackets for readers' ease, hope this is better

Nigel Fields wrote 702 days ago

Hi Khaula,
For today, I could only peak at your first chapter and have a taste of your work. I like it. I do agree with Andi's comments, but I also want to come back and spend more time on this. As soon as I can, I'll offer a more substantive comment.
Best,
John

Andi Brown wrote 702 days ago

Hi Khaula,

I like this very much. First, I'm intrigued by the reverse migration story. There are lots of books about people leaving their own countries and moving to the west (Did you read Brick Lane?) but not the other way. And your writing is excellent. Really stellar. You do a terrific job with character and plot.

I do have a few suggestions that I think will strengthen your work. I found quite a bit of repetition. You sometimes say the same thing a few different ways, and it slows the reader down. Examples: In the very first paragraph, you say "...it didn't seem real....she couldn't feel the reality of her loss." And "she was far away....she was hollow." So I think it could use a bit of tightening up, which would make the work flow more easily.

I am a big believer in the writer's maxim "show, don't tell," and I did find some "telling." Example: ...undisputed queen of the house." You show us by saying her rule became law. That and what you say next is more good showing; no need to tell us what you showed us. Instead of saying the neighbors "had given their support every step of the way" how about: Mr. and Mrs. Pecchia had arranged for the school records to be transferred. The X's had helped with the real estate closing. Another neighbor brought Pakistani delicacies nightly so Naheed never had to go near the stove during her mourning period.

You can absolutely do this - you have the writing chops. I think this is a lovely story, lyrically and gracefully told. I'm giving you a very rare five stars for this, and I'll put it on my watch list for now. I wish I had ten slots on my shelf, which is committed for a while. But I'll keep watching you,and I hope you do well here.

Best,
Andi
Animal Cracker

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