Book Jacket

 

rank 913
word count 83222
date submitted 16.07.2011
date updated 21.04.2012
genres: Literary Fiction, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

Things That Happen in Restaurants

Khaula Mazhar

Ayesha’s worst nightmare would be to live in Pakistan and with the death of her father, it just came true.

 


In the midst of Pakistan’s eternal turmoil, Ayesha’s mother makes the astonishing decision to move her children from Canada to one of the most dangerous cities of the world, Karachi. Ayesha and her siblings are shocked by the sounds of crossfire between rival political groups ripping through the silence of the night. The morning headlines are filled with terrifying stories of the butchered bodies of young men found in gunny sacks. The political flare-up seems to have infected the already arid summer with unbearable heat and there are constant electricity shortages. Frustration is high and tolerance low, Ayesha’s aunt doesn’t appreciate the unexpected additions to her household and her other aunt is pressuring Ayesha’s newly widowed mother to remarry. It is unsafe for Ayesha to go out on her own, not that there are many places to go besides restaurants. That is where most of her life changing experiences seem to occur. Ayesha feels that things will never get better but then she meets Mikhail. Caring and sensitive he brings some sanguinity into her bleak life. But she doesn’t know who he really is and he doesn’t know how long he can hide the truth from her.

 
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tags

dealing with the loss of a loved one, foreign customs, multi-cultural, tragedy, ya

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Chapters

13

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                                                                  CHAPTER 13


 
                                                                  December 1995

 

                                Naheed rejoins the world and meets an unwanted visitor.

Friends and relatives had been in and out of Shaukat’s house all day paying a visit to Naheed, whose Iddat was finally over. Aaliya had prepared samosas and rolls at home along with kebabs and carrot halwa. She had changed on the inside, it was like she was a different person and she hadn’t felt this good in years. All those years that had gone to waste because of her stubbornness, now she didn’t want to ruin a single second. 

Aaliya was careful of Naheed that day, watching to make sure Naheed wasn’t too disturbed or overwhelmed, ready to whisk her off with some reasonable excuse if Naheed needed to be alone. Salma had insisted that Naheed put on a little lipstick, which she couldn’t manage to do, her hand shook so much. Nasreen told her not to be silly and applied the lipstick for her and walked out leaving her shaken. Aaliya had given her a hug then and helped her calm down. 
 
Aunts, nieces, cousins and friends came and went bringing gifts of brightly colored suits and glass bangles. Naheed was expected to rejoin the world, no more white or drab colors, she was supposed to be done with that. But how was she just supposed to turn on the happiness again? She certainly didn’t feel happy, she wasn’t sure she wanted to or if she actually could.

Rashda kept herself composed for Naheed, but almost broke down when silent tears streamed down Naheed’s cheeks as Faiza put brightly colored glass bangles on Naheed’s delicate white wrists.
 
Khadija was extremely happy, her childish grasp of the event was a blessing, her mother hadn’t looked this beautiful since they had been in Canada and she was glad to see her this way. Maaz felt a little shy, his mother looked a bit like herself, but she was so quiet and so sad. He preferred to let himself get distracted with Hamza. Ayesha didn’t want to leave her mother’s side, she looked so vulnerable, trying not to cry, keeping a smile pasted on her lips for the sake of her visitors. She looked so beautiful, much younger yet at the same time her eyes looked old; they had seen so much, too much misery over the past few months. Naheed tried to keep up with the conversation, joining in sometimes, but it was hard. Her mind kept wandering. If Faizan had still been alive what would they all be doing right now?  It would be snowing in Canada, the children would be off from school for winter vacations, and they would all be enjoying hot chocolate in the evenings when Faizan came home from work.

 Nasreen kept the conversation lively and steered away from any mention of the tragedy that had occurred. There was still some talk of Madiha’s broken engagement and Aaliya just smiled and gave the same story Naheed had given.
 

By evening only close relatives were left; Rashda and her family, Bano Dadi with her daughters and a friend of Naheed’s since childhood. Naheed was finally beginning to relax. She laughed at Faiza’s jokes and she was enjoying the antics of her sister-in-law Nasira’s grandchildren. Nasira and Nasreen had been at each other the whole day giving their delighted guests much entertainment. Each out spoken woman had been ready with a witty comeback, causing Rashda and Salma to scold them dramatically, enjoying themselves as much as their guests. Everyone was more than a little relieved that the guests had finally gone and they could unwind with just the close members of both the families. The feeling didn’t last long.

 
 
Assalaam o alaikum” said a lady in a dark blue velvet shalwar kameez who entered the room silently and unnoticed. She was graceful, elegant and had a kind face that looked younger than her 50 years. Her presence caused a variety of reactions. Naheed glared at Nasreen, who smiled and made room for the newcomer, welcoming and gracious. Rashda looked uncomfortably at Salma when recognition finally dawned upon her. Salma sat expressionless and Aaliya protectively positioned herself besides Naheed so the lady could not sit there.
 

“How are you Salma Khala? Rashda Khala? It’s been a long time, seems like ages,” said Parveen in an elegant voice.
 

Everything about her was classy in such a down to earth way. There was nothing stuck-up about her even though she looked like she had just stepped out of a Mercedes Benz.
 

Allah ka Ehsan. I’m fine. How’s your mother Parveen?” asked Salma graciously.
 

“I’m afraid she’s confined to a wheelchair but she has a lot of willpower and manages to do whatever she can. She hates being dependent on anyone. Unfortunately she is getting worse with time. I hope you don’t mind, I brought these for Naheed,” she said getting up to put two bracelets of jasmine flowers on Naheed’s wrists. Naheed sat there trying to keep her face as expressionless as possible, but her body had turned to stone. Aaliya squeezed her arm reassuringly and Ayesha sat feeling curious and a little confused by the sensations this lady was causing.
 

“They are lovely, just what was missing,” said Faiza good-naturedly and tried to keep up some chatter in the silence that was getting deafening.
 

“I absolutely adore the smell of jasmine. I’ve been thinking of getting a jasmine bush planted in my garden for ages.” Said Faiza
 

“Now that your pack of devils have grown up and hopefully won’t destroy it, I could get my gardener to put one in for you,” continued Nasira
 

“I personally have always loved ‘Raat ki rani,” said Aaliya “There’s nothing like the scent of it on summer nights.”
 

“Is this your daughter Naheed?” asked Parveen.
 

“Yes this is Ayesha, my eldest.” Answered Naheed quietly. 
 

“She’s lovely,” complemented Parveen.
 

“Well she gets her good looks from me, stated Nasreen loudly, that was Nasira’s cue.
 

“From you? You have got to be kidding me! Although I was very young at that time, I clearly remember you being a very homely looking teenager! Tall with big hands and big feet! No, no Ayesha gets her good looks from me” said Nasira and they continued arguing back and forth relieving the tension in the room. But all Naheed could think of was that Ayesha got her looks from Faizan.
 

Naheed was sleepy and glad when the last of the guests had gone including Rashda’s family. She was mad at Nasreen and didn’t want to talk to her at all. But Nasreen lingered on unnecessarily in her parents’ room even though Naheed had gotten into bed and made it clear that she planned to sleep right away.
 

“Don’t you have a home to go to?” asked Shaukat,Or did your husband finally find some courage and kick you out of the house? Don’t plan on staying here though! You can go stay with your khala, she doesn’t mind you bossing her around.” Said Shaukat from behind a book he was reading.
 

“Really Mian Bhai! You kill me with your humor. Naheed isn’t talking to me, I’m not leaving until she does.” said Nasreen stubbornly.
 

“I don’t blame her, Naheed you don’t have to talk to her, you have my blessings. Go to sleep.” And Shaukat closed his book and pulled the sheet over his head.
 

“Naheed baita, what is it?” asked Salma “you two are too old to be behaving like this. I need a break from these things. I’m too old to deal with it anymore.”
 

Ammie, just ask her why she invited Parveen! When will she start minding her own business?” asked Naheed indignantly.
 

“Your business is my business and I didn’t invite her, just like I didn’t invite any of the people who came today. They came because they care about you.” Retorted Naheed. 
 

“How come you are still in contact with her?” asked Naheed.
 
 
 
“Because she’s my friend! I was in contact with her even after you got married and went to Canada, she always asked about you and I always updated her. No big deal,” Nasreen argued loudly.
 

“Now that’s all cleared up, start talking to your sister so she can go home.” Said Salma. 
 

“No it is not all cleared up! This is just the beginning, I know Nasreen. Now Parveen will start visiting regularly and everybody is going to start seeing things from Nasreen’s point of view, I know you’re having second thoughts Ammi!” Naheed glared accusingly at her mother.
 
Nasreen looked at Salma questioningly.
 

“Really? That’s great!” she said triumphantly.
 

“NO IT’S NOT! Why can’t you just leave me alone! Don’t you have any feelings, I’ve just finished my Iddat and all you can think about is getting me remarried!” Naheed hissed hysterically. There was a loud gasp and everyone turned to look at Ayesha, white as a sheet, frozen at the now fully opened door.
 

Ayesha stared at her khala, waves of betrayal washing over her. She couldn’t believe it, so this was the big secret! How could Nasreen imagine such a thing? Especially in a culture where it was already rare for a widow to remarry. A widow with three children whose husband had only been dead a few months. 
 

“How dare you!” whispered Ayesha anger building up, eyes burning with hot tears.
 
“My father isn’t even cold in his grave yet, and you expect my mother to dump us and go get married again?” Ayesha hissed through barred teeth.
 

“Ayesha baita let me explain the situation,” started Nasreen.
 

“Don’t Ayesha baita me! I’m not your baita, you are nobody to me! My parents loved each other very much, nobody can take my dad’s place and I know my mother would never want that. She doesn’t have any room in her heart for anyone else. But you wouldn’t understand that. You are a heartless, loveless, cold, calculating, nosy, bossy bitch!” screamed Ayesha then ran to her room and locked herself in the bathroom.
 

“I hope you are satisfied Nasreen! My children have enough problems, they don’t need this!”
 
said Naheed vehemently and went after Ayesha. Naheed was shocked that Ayesha would swear at her aunt. She was trying to  grasp how hurt she must be.
 

“Can you believe the tongue on that girl? Where the hell did she get that from? I can’t believe she said that to me. I expect an apology in the morning!” huffed Nasreen indignantly expecting some sort of agreement from her parents. Shaukat stared at her with contempt on his face.
 

“Go home now Nasreen.” He said in a very low harsh voice, anger beginning to boil up in him.
 

“I’m going, I’m going! You think I would stay after this insult?” she turned to Salma.Talk some sense into that girl when she calms down. She’s reasonable and will begin to see the logic eventually.” Nasreen said in a business like tone.
 

Salma was speechless but Shaukat practically growled at her. Mashhood came in to see what all the noise was about just as Salma was going into Ayesha’s room and Nasreen was heading for the door to leave.
 

“What’s wrong?” he asked worried and before Salma could answer Nasreen dragged him into the drawing room.
 

Naheed had convinced Ayesha to come out of the bathroom. They were both upset and felt awkward, like a wall had suddenly come between them.
 

“Ayesha that was a horrible thing to say, you can’t talk to your khala like that,” started Naheed. She knew this was a bad way to start.
 

“Mom! I don’t believe you, what did you expect me to say? ‘Good idea Khala Bee! Surprised I didn’t think of it myself’ then give her a high five?” Ayesha asked choked up with tears.
 

“Ayesha, she’s my sister and I will handle her. This isn’t something I wanted you to find out about. I knew it would be painful and frustrating for you. It was my fault for getting so loud and out of control. She can’t make me do anything I don’t want to. I guess I was just very tired and depressed.” Said Naheed. 
 

Salma had just come in, worried about Ayesha.

“Your Khala Bee has always been telling everybody what to do. I think the nurse dropped her on her head when she was born, she always has such different ideas from what people normally have. I tried to make her more docile when she was a little girl, but well, what can I say? Nothing worked. We’ve just learned to accept her the way she is. She doesn’t mean any harm, she loves you children like her own. She’s just very over protective of Naheed and wants her to be taken care of. It’s only that she has a very different way of seeing things and she expects everyone to see her view.” Explained Salma while helping Ayesha get into bed. She kissed Ayesha on the forehead and started reciting Ayat ul Kursi over her. Naheed stood beside the bed.
 

“Ayesha I know you are very upset but baita you’ll have to apologize and I expect you to phone Khala Bee in the morning.” Her words were final and Ayesha didn’t argue but she had no intention of ever apologizing.
 

 

 

 

“Nasreen have you completely lost your mind?” Asked Mashhood incredulously, getting up off the sofa and glaring at Nasreen. She grabbed his arm and pulled him back down.
 

“Naheed is only thirty five! She’s beautiful and has her whole life in front of her. When her children are all married and have families of their own what will she have?” asked Nasreen.
 

“Grandchildren!” said Mashhood surprised she couldn’t see the obvious.
 

“So she raises her own children, by herself then she gets the duty of raising grandchildren? Let me put it like this, imagine Naheed is Madiha, would you want her to be lonely for the rest of her life? It’s not like we’re telling her to give up her children. Parveen knows she has three children, no one is expecting her to live without them.” Said Nasreen trying to make him see her point of view. 
 
 

“She has a place in my family, she has support and can live the way she wants to. She doesn’t want to remarry, Nasreen for God’s sake show some feelings! She’s just lost her husband and they had an ideal marriage. How can you expect her to accept another man?” Asked Mashhood getting irritated. 
 

“How come men get married within a year of their wives’ deaths, even if they are sixty they find a woman of thirty and everyone says; ‘He did the right thing, after all he’ll need company at this age and his children have their own families to take care of. He needs a woman to take care of him.’ But a woman is expected to live the rest of her life without a companion even if she’s young and beautiful. She has no right to a second chance?” Argued Nasreen. 
 

Mashhood couldn’t think of anything fast enough to counter that.
 

“In fact it’s just a stupid culture we’ve created. Islam actually encourages it, take the Prophet’s time (PBUH); widows would always remarry back then. Why should we care what people say as long as Naheed and the children are happy and secure?” asked Nasreen.
 

“How do you know they’ll be happy?” asked Mashhood.
 

“How do you know they won’t?” countered Nasreen.
 

“Nasreen it’s late, I’m tired, I don’t want to talk about this right now.” Said Mashhood rubbing his temples and eyes. 
 

“Okay I’m going, but you are going to think about this. There doesn’t have to be a rush, we can let Naheed take her time, whenever she’s ready.”
 

“ENOUGH!” said Mashhood angrily then turned and stomped off towards his bedroom leaving Nasreen to show herself out.
 

That night none of them were able to sleep.
 

 

 

 

Chapters

13

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fayha wrote 433 days ago

Beautifully written very touching. Proud to have it on my bookshelf.

Jannypeacock wrote 654 days ago

I really liked this. I tend to avoid books that deal with various cultures as often the writer tends to be offering more of an education than entertainment, but you strike a beautiful balance between both. Perhaps is because Ayesha is such a likeable MC, the reader becomes totally immersed in the story because of this.
Janny

AlexiaDeAngelis wrote 658 days ago

I've just poked my nose into this, having been lured by the pitch and the subject. I welled up after the first two sentences and again as you describe how Ayesha's father used to look at her mother with adoration. In my book I have alot of foreign terms and I have tried to describe immediately after mentioning them what they mean. I know its really difficult when you have so many relevant things in mind - I wanted to add so many more, but then I also wanted to reader to relate to the story.
Anyway, absolutely love your story, and really wish you the best of luck with it :) Backed with six stars. I cannot believe this isn't on more bookshelves?!

Alexia
Confessions of a Dervish

Nici wrote 695 days ago

I've read the opening chapters and was hooked from the start by the idea, the main character and the two cultures. The way it's written got me involved and I think it would work for young adult/cross-over to adult readers.

I agree with the previous comment on footnotes - they interrupt the story. What I've done in my novels to get round this, either with foreign language or with technical/historical terms, is to write the English or a definition immediately after the term you've put a footnote for.

e.g. his burappay ki aulad, the child of his old age (I think that is more natural English word order) It works surprisingly well as a technique in keeping the flavour without losing the meaning.

Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

Claire_E wrote 699 days ago

My comments tend to be a disjointed list of the thoughts I have as I read. Hope that works for you.

I would change "getting" to "becoming", not for any technical reason really, just cos I think it would flow better.

I like the way you show the disjointed thought process through your prose, very clever.

Personally I wouldn't have footnotes in a story. This is very textbooky and interrupts the flow of the read. Any translations can be put in square brackets.

I think this is beautifully written and your descriptions are excellent. Good luck.

dan nicolai wrote 227 days ago

Just read the first page, this is great. Drama & strong characters. Will check out the rest of it soon.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 396 days ago

THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN RESTAURANTS
This is an interesting story: a young woman moving from a country where war never happens to one where bullets fly past the house at night. Ayesha is a good main character; she’s likable and sympathetic because of her love for her father and having to make this dramatic move. It’s interesting you mention the heat; I have a neighbor who was stationed in in Iraq not that long again and the main thing he talks about is the unrelenting temperature. I like the way your characters think in their native language; lets you describe scenes with a richness that kept pulling me into the story. Very well written. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Sharda D wrote 431 days ago

Hi,
here for our reading swap.
I liked this, you have a lovely writing style. There is some beautiful imagery, and the writing is very lyrical.

Some small niggles...
1) Felt there were quite a few characters introduced in the first chapter. This is fine, but you may need to spend a little more time giving each character a visual/verbal marker so that we can keep track more easily. I found it a bit confusing. I am tired tho'!!
2) There seems to be alot of description and explanation in chapter 1. I'd like a little more action to draw the reader in quicky. Again, that' s just me.

Apart from that, there is plenty to like here.
Will give you 5 stars,
All the best,
Sharda.
Please take a look at mine when you have the time. No pressure.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Eddie Santos wrote 432 days ago

I backed Things That Happen in Restaurants by mistake when I was trying to add it to my watching list to read later. Thanks God I did, because I would either have to remove it from my shelf or start reading it straight away and I chose to start reading. The book is still on my shelf and it will be there for a few days to give it the support it needs to go up in the rank. It is a beautiful and well written story and I am enjoying every single line of what you write. Thanks for having written it. I am giving it 6 stars and will leave it on my shelf for a few days. I am sure many people will read it and it will be very successfull. I rotate books on my shelf after they are there for a few days, but when you get closer to the editor's desk as you will, please do not hesitate to ask me to back your book again as it will be a pleasure.
Eddie

fayha wrote 433 days ago

Beautifully written very touching. Proud to have it on my bookshelf.

Melissa Koehler wrote 573 days ago

i think the description in your novel is great. i could sympathize easily with your characters. one thing id like to suggest is changing your long pitch. i found that you almost summarized your book and packed way too much information into one paragraph. i also think your book would benefit from breaking down your paragraphs- some of them seem a tad long. i wish you the very best of luck with this.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Walden Carrington wrote 645 days ago

Khaula,
I felt great sympathy for Ayesha as I read the account. She is a sympathetic protagonist who must adjust to a whole new culture and the reader has much to learn while reading this well-researched story.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Jannypeacock wrote 654 days ago

I really liked this. I tend to avoid books that deal with various cultures as often the writer tends to be offering more of an education than entertainment, but you strike a beautiful balance between both. Perhaps is because Ayesha is such a likeable MC, the reader becomes totally immersed in the story because of this.
Janny

AlexiaDeAngelis wrote 658 days ago

I've just poked my nose into this, having been lured by the pitch and the subject. I welled up after the first two sentences and again as you describe how Ayesha's father used to look at her mother with adoration. In my book I have alot of foreign terms and I have tried to describe immediately after mentioning them what they mean. I know its really difficult when you have so many relevant things in mind - I wanted to add so many more, but then I also wanted to reader to relate to the story.
Anyway, absolutely love your story, and really wish you the best of luck with it :) Backed with six stars. I cannot believe this isn't on more bookshelves?!

Alexia
Confessions of a Dervish

Nicole Ellis wrote 687 days ago

I finished chapter one and enjoyed it from the start. I can truly feel this family's pain and the stark airport setting is a perfect backdrop and juxtoposition to the emotional turmoil they are facing . i can feel our protagonist's angst at moving to Pakistan. One suggestion-- the swan comment kind of took me out of the overall mood you created. The metaphore didnt seem to work for me there. In all, great descriptions, rich I really enjoyed it and could tell this is going to be a rich and engaging novel.

Best,
N

Nici wrote 695 days ago

I've read the opening chapters and was hooked from the start by the idea, the main character and the two cultures. The way it's written got me involved and I think it would work for young adult/cross-over to adult readers.

I agree with the previous comment on footnotes - they interrupt the story. What I've done in my novels to get round this, either with foreign language or with technical/historical terms, is to write the English or a definition immediately after the term you've put a footnote for.

e.g. his burappay ki aulad, the child of his old age (I think that is more natural English word order) It works surprisingly well as a technique in keeping the flavour without losing the meaning.

Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

Claire_E wrote 699 days ago

My comments tend to be a disjointed list of the thoughts I have as I read. Hope that works for you.

I would change "getting" to "becoming", not for any technical reason really, just cos I think it would flow better.

I like the way you show the disjointed thought process through your prose, very clever.

Personally I wouldn't have footnotes in a story. This is very textbooky and interrupts the flow of the read. Any translations can be put in square brackets.

I think this is beautifully written and your descriptions are excellent. Good luck.

CarolinaAl wrote 700 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A touching start. A sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Plenty of local details that evoke Pakistan. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "You always have to tell me something weird Ayesha, ... " Comma after 'weird.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you address someone but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
2) "To just ....... I don't know, be absorbed into those colors, ... " When using an ellipsis ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more than three dots is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure are what you mean to imply with seven dots. You don't want that. There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) 'She thought to herself.' 'She' should be lowercase.
4) "Damn hypocrite" Period after 'hypocrite.'
5) "Let me sleep." He mumbled. Comma after 'sleep' and 'He' should be lowercase. 'He mumbled' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation) and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
6) 'Ayesha felt her heart wrench.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her heart 'wrenching' so vividly the reader will experience it along with Ayesha. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story. There are more cases of 'felt' in this chapter.
7) Hyphenate 'son in law.'
8) 'Mr. And Mrs. Pecchia had given notice to the children's school ... ' 'And' should be lowercase.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your continuing support of "Savannah Fire."

Have a wonderful day.

Al

khaula mazhar wrote 700 days ago

Have just put in a revised chapter one

Nigel Fields wrote 700 days ago

I enjoyed reading through chapter 4 today. I felt well-submerged in the culture when at Faizan's funeral. This scene was well done. I was especially moved by the memories, such as when he was held as a child. I also thought you handled well the conflict Ayesha met when trying to get her school admissions form. This was quite vivid. I'm interested to see this story unfold. Highly starred today.
Best,
John B Campbell

karenrosario wrote 700 days ago

The premise is great, and anyone who has lived with two different cultures will identify with a lot of Ayesha's feelings. I have only read chapter 1 so far, so this is based on that...
I like how you capture the cruel intrusion of the airhostess- its a detail that we can all identify with. You are very insightful with the observations you make (e.g. wondering if her mother will ever wear lipstick again). Ayesha has a strong personality, and she appears very complex. I like her a lot.
That said, I found the outburst regarding the man from Dubai a little abrupt and harsh- possibly it seemed to contain quite a lot of anger- "loser", "stupid, fools", "damn hypocrite". I would consider cutting down on that slightly. Possibly just having "Stupid Dubai palat desi,". It appears that at this point she is unable to focus properly on her emotions so a fleeting contempt for the man seems more fitting than such strong disdain.

There is a lot that is very touching about this first chapter- her bewilderment at what is going to happen, her stifled grief, little details such as her father being 'offically dead' in three weeks, her father joking about her living in Pakistan and now it being true but without him, her brother calling out for their father in his sleep, the blending of cultures (I like the carefully placed pakistani words- although on the odd occasion they break the flow. Consider footnotes rather than in brackets?).

On the whole I enjoyed the first chapter, although from about midway I did start to want to skip ahead- I think there was a lot of detail about relationships and logistics (contacting family to arrange for tickets, the friendship of Mehmood and Faizan) that, although is necessary to know at some point, could possibly be shifted to a bit later in the book as it slowed the action down. From the moment of her trying to wake her brother and sister I kind of wanted her to arrive pretty much immediately, so the details on past events and other things bored me slightly. This could just be my impatience though- I don't doubt the necessity of the details, just possibly the placing of it.

One other thing that I have a slight question about is the fact that the story begins "August 1995". The story immediately feels dated and I would question whether you need to give it a date. I'm guessing the story goes through several years, hence the date, but I wonder if you need to date it or not... I haven't read on so I don't know. And maybe its fine, it could just be me, I just get put off if I begin a story and it says "1998" or "2003" or something. It doesn't feel immediate or current.

I like the front cover :-)

RossClark1981 wrote 700 days ago

- Ayesha -

(Based on the first three authonomy chapters)

I enjoyed reading this. I teach a course in migration studies and my own focus lies on intergenerational differences between migrants so there was certainly a lot in Ayesha to hook me in. The premise is an original one as I haven’t come across a novel before that deals with someone from a second generation migrant background ‘returning’ to the old country. There is a lot of scope in this story for emotional turmoil as the MC faces not only the problems of trying to fit into a culture that is almost alien but also identity crises as she faces the possibility of rejection for being too western. There is a very well observed scene in the third chapter posted here for example in which Ayesha faces a level of unwarranted rudeness from a college admissions officer that would be stunning to someone not used to how things are done in the country. That scene made me smile as it reminded me a lot of my own experience of living in foreign countries.

I enjoyed the writing too. The somber mood of grief is well set up in the opening chapter and controlled throughout. In chapter one we have a daughter’s grief and in chapter three (authonomy chapter 2) we have a mother’s, the latter being perhaps even more moving. There are some very nice observations of culture too. I liked finding out about attitudes towards workers returning from Dubai and the way the inter-relationships between family members was dealt with.

I do have the feeling that some polishing and ironing out is still needed though. Nothing major, mostly cosmetic things. To wit:

-The opening paragraph has a lot of sentences that begin after commas. I’m hopeless at punctuation myself but I think you’d have to either make a choice between using semi-colons or starting a new sentence here. Someone more versed in these things could advise you better than myself though.

-There is a fair bit of repetition. So in the third chapter posted for example, we have “large grassless field” closely followed by “dusty hot field” and then we hear about the “depressing lack of grass”. If you were to go through the MS and try to eliminate the repetition , I think you’d be able to hone and tighten things a lot more. As a side note, repetition certainly does not mean that someone isn’t talented – Nikolai Gogol is famous/infamous for his inability to rid his manuscripts of repetition.

-The last point I’d make is with the bracketed translations of the words in Urdu in chapter one. I’d advise removing these as they bring the author out of the narrative and the fictional world they have entered. I implement foreign words into my own manuscript and I learned somewhere along the way that there are different ways of dealing with it. One way is that you can ‘teach’ the reader the words – you can make it obvious from the context what the word means. So, for example, where the brother is affectionately addressed in one of the chapters, it’s not necessary to give a definition of the word because we know that it’s a brother-sister relationship and the tone and context let us know that the word is affectionate. The other option, if the context cannot be made clear and the understanding of the foreign word is important, is to have the foreign word in italics, then a comma, then the English word. Personally, I don’t mind if I can’t figure out exactly what a foreign word means in a text because I have some idea and not knowing precisely lets my imagination go and a ride thinking about it. It increases the magic of it for me.

Anyway, I hope there was something useful in there. As I say, I’ve enjoyed this and I’ll watchlist it now for a spin on my shelf when I have some space.

All the best with it,

Ross

Robert Slimm wrote 700 days ago

Hi Khaula
I just gave you 6 stars and placed the book on my watchlist where it will remain for all eternity.
''Ayesha'' is a cracking story and I think this book is well underrated!
Hope it all works out in the end until then keep writing you have the knack for sure.
kind regards.
R Slimm

J.Kinkade wrote 701 days ago

Highly rated for the pitch alone (I may be biased, however.) I can't wait to dive into this story. Pakistan is the most fascinating place imaginable, but going there under less than desirable circumstances would have to awful. Anyway, six stars. I'll be back for more in a bit. Cheers until then, JKinkade

khaula mazhar wrote 702 days ago

have done some editing on chapter one and added English translations in brackets for readers' ease, hope this is better

Nigel Fields wrote 702 days ago

Hi Khaula,
For today, I could only peak at your first chapter and have a taste of your work. I like it. I do agree with Andi's comments, but I also want to come back and spend more time on this. As soon as I can, I'll offer a more substantive comment.
Best,
John

Andi Brown wrote 702 days ago

Hi Khaula,

I like this very much. First, I'm intrigued by the reverse migration story. There are lots of books about people leaving their own countries and moving to the west (Did you read Brick Lane?) but not the other way. And your writing is excellent. Really stellar. You do a terrific job with character and plot.

I do have a few suggestions that I think will strengthen your work. I found quite a bit of repetition. You sometimes say the same thing a few different ways, and it slows the reader down. Examples: In the very first paragraph, you say "...it didn't seem real....she couldn't feel the reality of her loss." And "she was far away....she was hollow." So I think it could use a bit of tightening up, which would make the work flow more easily.

I am a big believer in the writer's maxim "show, don't tell," and I did find some "telling." Example: ...undisputed queen of the house." You show us by saying her rule became law. That and what you say next is more good showing; no need to tell us what you showed us. Instead of saying the neighbors "had given their support every step of the way" how about: Mr. and Mrs. Pecchia had arranged for the school records to be transferred. The X's had helped with the real estate closing. Another neighbor brought Pakistani delicacies nightly so Naheed never had to go near the stove during her mourning period.

You can absolutely do this - you have the writing chops. I think this is a lovely story, lyrically and gracefully told. I'm giving you a very rare five stars for this, and I'll put it on my watch list for now. I wish I had ten slots on my shelf, which is committed for a while. But I'll keep watching you,and I hope you do well here.

Best,
Andi
Animal Cracker

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