Book Jacket

 

rank 922
word count 83222
date submitted 16.07.2011
date updated 21.04.2012
genres: Literary Fiction, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

Things That Happen in Restaurants

Khaula Mazhar

Ayesha’s worst nightmare would be to live in Pakistan and with the death of her father, it just came true.

 


In the midst of Pakistan’s eternal turmoil, Ayesha’s mother makes the astonishing decision to move her children from Canada to one of the most dangerous cities of the world, Karachi. Ayesha and her siblings are shocked by the sounds of crossfire between rival political groups ripping through the silence of the night. The morning headlines are filled with terrifying stories of the butchered bodies of young men found in gunny sacks. The political flare-up seems to have infected the already arid summer with unbearable heat and there are constant electricity shortages. Frustration is high and tolerance low, Ayesha’s aunt doesn’t appreciate the unexpected additions to her household and her other aunt is pressuring Ayesha’s newly widowed mother to remarry. It is unsafe for Ayesha to go out on her own, not that there are many places to go besides restaurants. That is where most of her life changing experiences seem to occur. Ayesha feels that things will never get better but then she meets Mikhail. Caring and sensitive he brings some sanguinity into her bleak life. But she doesn’t know who he really is and he doesn’t know how long he can hide the truth from her.

 
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tags

dealing with the loss of a loved one, foreign customs, multi-cultural, tragedy, ya

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Chapters

18

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                                                               Chapter 18

                                                    Planning a Snowy Trip

                                                             January 1996

Maaz finished up his English homework and waited for Shaukat to finish his evening tea and help him out with Urdu.  These days it seemed everyone was so busy with the upcoming wedding and exams that Shaukat was the only one available to keep Maaz company. So the two usually spent the evenings together and Shaukat kept Maaz entertained with adventures from his childhood.  Naheed was caught up in shopping, trips to the tailor, and with Khadija, who was acting up a lot. It was really cold and the houses didn’t have heating like they did in Canada. It was uncomfortable having to wear heavy, bulky warm clothes all the time. Khadija was particularly grouchy in the cold dark mornings, when she would have to get ready for school. She would be sleepy and cold, not willing to leave the warmth of her soft blanket. Even Maaz had a hard time and felt homesick for the comforts he had left behind.

Besides being cold, the day had shrunk incredibly, it was hardly morning and before you knew it, it was evening again. Maaz felt like he hardly ever saw Ayesha, who had her nose in her books all the time. Khadija was being a cry baby most of the time and he certainly did not enjoy her company when she was like that! He never knew what she might start whining about, once she started bawling her eyes out because he said she looked like a snowman in her new white sweater. He winced as he remembered her piercing squeals that she wanted snow. Why didn’t it snow in Karachi? He missed the snow too, he remembered how they used to make snowmen in their yard, and the snowball fights they would have with Mehmood Uncle’s children. His father and Mehmood Uncle would join in the fun. He missed those times, he missed his father, his home, school, his friends. He had made a few friends here, but sometimes he still felt that he didn’t fit in.

“So, let’s see your Urdu classwork, hmmm writing is getting really good!” Shaukat said with satisfaction in his voice.

“I’m doing writing practice a lot, but I still don’t understand what is written sometimes.” Replied Maaz.

“Are you reading those books I brought you?” Asked Shaukat.

“No, I did start but it was easier in the winter vacation. I had lots of time then, how come we get so much homework? We never had this much in Canada.” Maaz complained.

“Hmmm yes, I suppose you do get quite a bit of homework. We’ll leave reading for weekends then. I think we should make a list of words in an extra exercise book. You write down all the words you don’t know the meaning of, and then we can go through the dictionary together for all those words.”   Suggested Shaukat.

“Yeah, okay…..” Agreed Maaz, but he really didn’t feel like doing anything extra for Urdu. He wished he could avoid it altogether.  It was a difficult language and he had been bogged down with too much work in too little time. He knew his Nana was trying to help him out as much as he could, but sometimes he just didn’t feel like doing anything.  Khadija was lucky, she didn’t have to do anything, thought Maaz and wished he was that little too.

“What is it? Are you feeling sick?” Asked Shaukat noticing Maaz’s expression.

“No, I don’t feel sick.” Maaz said glumly.

“Well what do you feel?” Asked Shaukat.

“It’s nothing.”

“You know you can tell me Baita, I will try to help you out.”

“I don’t think it’s something that can be helped out with.” Replied Maaz.

“Well we won’t know if you don’t tell me, at least you will feel better if you share it with me.” Said Shaukat.

“I don’t really know what’s wrong Nana, I just don’t feel like doing anything, I feel sleepy all the time. It’s no fun.”

“What’s no fun?”

“Nothing is any fun.” Replied Maaz sullenly.

This was difficult, Shaukat was trying to decipher what was meant by this. “How could it be more fun?”

“I dunno.”

 Dunno…meant what? “Uh…well what do you mean?” Asked Shaukat, confused, sometimes he really felt lost and couldn’t understand what the children were trying to say.

Maaz couldn’t explain exactly how he felt and he knew Shaukat was trying to understand, but he didn’t know what to say. Tears came to his eyes, he was getting frustrated.

“Maaz Baita, it is okay. Just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.”

“I miss Dad.” A tear escaped.

“Yes I can understand that.” Shaukat felt helpless. “I am sorry I can’t do anything to make it easier for you, I wish I could.”

“Yeah I know.” Sniffed Maaz.

Shaukat put an arm around Maaz and gave him a hug. “It will get less painful with time. That is one thing I know about.” 

“It hurts a lot sometimes, and Mom is always so busy and I don’t want to make her sad. Baji only cares about her stupid exams and Khadija whines all the time. There’s no snow in Karachi, nothing is any fun.” Complained Maaz, his voice was becoming shaky.

“I wish there was snow in Karachi too. When I was young, we lived in Islamabad for some time, remember the stories I told you? You know it snows there in the winters.”

“It does? How far away is that? Did you play in it?” Maaz was curious to know about any place it snowed in Pakistan.

“Islamabad is not that far, you can even drive there, though it is a very long drive. But if you want some adventure on the way, then the drive isn’t too bad.  By plane it is only about forty five minutes.”

“We wouldn’t be able to go then….” Maaz started sadly, any place that had to be reached by plane was obviously too far.

“I think maybe we could manage it…hmm….haven’t been there in a long time. My sister is there with her family and I would love to visit….” Shaukat smiled at Maaz.

“That would be great!” Maaz felt some excitement.

A grumpy, well ‘sweatered’ Khadija stumbled in, still sleepy from her nap. She curled up on the sofa to watch some T.V.

“What’s so great?” She asked Maaz, wanting to be let in on the news that had gotten Maaz excited.

“We’re going to go to Islamabad!” Exclaimed Maaz.

“So?” Pouted Khadija. “What’s Slamabad?”

“It snows there! It’ll be a lot of fun, it’s really far away, Nana how are we going to go? By plane or will Mamoo Jan drive us there?” Asked Maaz

“I don’t think Mashhood will be able to make it, we can go by plane. You and your sisters, me and your Nani and your mom.” Said Shaukat.

“What about Bajo?” Whined Khadija.

“She can come too if she wants.”

Yay! This will be fun” Khadija had a sudden burst of energy and she ran around the house telling everyone about the anticipated adventure.

Ayesha came in gloomily on hearing the news, to ask her Nana what was going on.

Nana that’s not fair! I’ll miss the trip! I have to study all the time and …”

“Don’t be silly, it will only be for a week, you can take your books and your notes with you. It will be fun, and you will get to meet your other cousins as well.”

“Then I won’t be able to study!” Now Ayesha was whining.

“Come on Baji you’re gonna spoil all our fun!” Argued Maaz.

“What fun?” Aaliya and Naheed spoke almost simultaneously as they came in from different directions. Aaliya had a tray of snacks and more cups of tea while Naheed, who was coming from her bedroom, had a sweater to further wrap Khadija in. Khadija squealed when she saw the sweater. Shaukat tried to fill them in on his plan, but it was difficult competing to be heard over Khadija’s wailing.

“It’s too hot! I feel like anskimo! I’m not wearing that!” She was whining loudly.

Aaliya stepped in to avoid the noisy battle that would ensue between mother and daughter.

“Fine Jaanu, don’t wear it! Here have some hot chocolate, it will warm you up and you won’t need that itchy sweater. How many days do you plan on spending there Mian Bhai?”

Bhabi…” Started Naheed.

“Naheed you are going to suffocate the child, it’s not that cold.” Interrupted Shaukat, impatient to tell all about their plan.

“What about me? You guys are making plans like we’re all on vacation. I can’t go with my exams so close!” Ayesha complained, she was getting worn out and grouchy from her stressful study schedule.

“Ayesha what has gotten in to you? I think you need a break, you are taking this exam preparation a little too seriously.” Naheed was surprised that Ayesha would react like this. Naheed realized she had been neglecting her two older children with all the wedding preparations and dealing with Khadija. Ayesha really did need a break, she looked horrible.  Naheed noticed her messy ponytail. She hadn’t even bothered to brush her hair since God knows when.

“Mom, you know I can’t. There are just too many things to memorize I’m already a year behind. I don’t want to ..

“Come on Aish don’t be silly, there are still a few months. You’ll breeze through your exams, you need a break before you get yourself sick. You haven’t been out in ages. My exams are coming up too, we will still have plenty of time.”  Madiha was excited by her grandfather’s plan and tried to convince Ayesha.

“Oh you plan on going? What about all the things here that we have to get done for the wedding?” Aaliya questioned.

Ammie! Islamabad, Murrey, shopping!  All those sweaters and gorgeous shawls, all those great buys on Mall road?”

“Hmmm..you’re right count me in.” Said Aaliya.

“I’m not going!” Ayesha grimly stated.

“Yes you are!” Aaliya, Naheed, Madiha and Shaukat said almost all at once. All Ayesha could do was gape, open mouthed as they laughed and continued planning.

Their plans further progressed at the dinner table, everyone getting more excited at the prospect of the trip. Ali lamented at the unfairness, he had school and how could they leave him behind? Madiha brought a calendar off the wall to find a suitable weekend, there was a long weekend coming up, that way Ali could go and only miss a few days of school. They’d only be gone for a week anyways. Everyone would be going except Mashhood, who couldn’t manage to take time off from work. But he did look forward to the peace and quiet he would get with everyone gone. In fact Friday and Saturday night the whole house to himself, some old friends, a deck of cards, plenty of cigarettes, stories of the glory days and a much anticipated Cricket match. Yes he was definitely looking forward to his family’s trip to Islamabad.

 

That weekend Naheed made Ayesha go to Rashda’s.  Ayesha seemed to have lost all contact with the world, the only company she had were text books and notes on lectures.  Naheed realized Ayesha needed a break, she was getting too stressed out over the exams. Besides Naheed also wanted to spend some time with her children and a trip to Rashda’s would give them plenty of time together. She excused herself from a trip to the jewelers with Aaliya and Madiha that they had planned for Saturday. Naheed felt like it had been weeks since she had even talked to Maaz and Ayesha. Ayesha had not been as hard to convince as Naheed expected that she would. The fact was that Ayesha’s text books were driving her crazy and she couldn’t stand not seeing Mikhail for any longer.

Sabeen came to pick them up with the driver on Friday evening. Ayesha had been hoping Hasan might come with Mikhail. Salma had too. She genuinely liked Mikhail and the fact that he reminded her of someone led her thoughts back to him many times. She still hadn’t managed to talk to Hasan about Mikhail’s family. Hasan always seemed busy lately, it had been some time since he had been over and often Sabeen or her mother would come to pick up Naheed instead.

 

Hasan had been avoiding his trips to pick up Naheed because of Salma. He was wondering how his plan was going to progress and he was getting a bit worried, how would Naheed Chachi and her mother react to Mikhail’s proposal for Ayesha when Parveen approached them? He was wracking his brains for a solution and for the first time he, Hamza and Sabeen couldn’t seem to come up with a plan. Would Naheed say yes to Parveen? They were stuck. The worst of it was Hasan would be responsible for hurting two people he cared so much about. Mikhail was serious about Ayesha, what would happen if they couldn’t figure out a way to make this go smoothly? He didn’t want history to be repeated with Sheryaar’s nephew this time. And what about Ayesha? She liked Mikhail, Sabeen had assured him of that. What kind of predicament had he put her into? If Naheed says no, what will Ayesha feel? She certainly won’t put up a fight, he knew her too well. How would she get over it? After all the things she had just been through, she didn’t need any more disappointments. The only hope Hasan had was Divine Intervention. By some miracle Naheed and her family would like Mikhail so much they would overlook the fact that Sheryaar would be tied to their family in a very close and unavoidable way. It would definitely be awkward for Naheed. Her daughter being married to the nephew of her former suitor. And what about phase two of the plan? Naheed and Sheryaar? That could only happen if Ayesha and Mikhail get engaged and the two of them convince Naheed that this would be the perfect set up for their family. Divine Intervention, they really needed some and soon.

 

Mikhail was more than happy to accept Hasan’s invitation to join them for dinner out that Friday when he found out Ayesha was over for the weekend. He felt like he hadn’t seen her in ages, and he really missed her. He drove up to Pizza Hut where they were supposed to meet and parked impatiently. It was crowded inside, Friday night, and he couldn’t see them at their regular table.  He looked around and saw Ayesha first. He just stared and it was as if she sensed he was there because she turned and saw him. And smiled. The most beautiful smile he had ever seen. One that did not hide how she felt. And from that moment everything changed for him. He felt like she had openly acknowledged her feelings for Mikhail, that gave him back some of his confidence.

Hasan turned and waved as Mikhail walked over, Mikhail waved back but he couldn’t take his eyes away from hers, they were having a conversation no one else could hear. Mikhail pulled out a chair they had saved for him and he was excitedly greeted by Maaz and Khadija. Khadija climbed over everyone to get to Mikhail and tell him all about the trip to Islamabad. They all started going through the menu together and as everyone got caught up in what to order, Mikhail was able to talk to Ayesha over Khadija’s head.

“Haven’t seen you in awhile…” which really meant ‘I’ve been missing you.’

“Yeah, I guess I have been going a little overboard with my studying. I should have taken a break and come last weekend.”  Laughed Ayesha, and she really meant ‘I missed you too’.

They both understood perfectly what the other meant. Dinner was over too soon. And although Hasan never noticed anything unusual, he would have slapped himself if he had realized that just how hurt Ayesha and Mikhail could really get.

  

 

Nasreen often phoned Parveen to do some brainstorming on what they could do to bring Naheed and Sheryaar together in the near future. They were both getting impatient with the passage of time, although there was no rush. Neither of them was going anywhere and there was no deadline. But still Nasreen’s “if it has to be done, it should get done” approach was beginning to rub off on Parveen. She was getting as annoyed at her brother’s reluctance to even talk about the idea as Nasreen was getting with Naheed.  But Mikhail’s revelation had given her some hope and she couldn’t help but be amazed at the coincidence. At the same time doubts nagged her, the same ones that nagged Hasan. What would Naheed say if Parveen ever approached her for Ayesha?  Naheed had no clue that Mikhail was Parveen’s son. Until now, Nasreen had kept Parveen and everything related to Parveen in a very separate file. All those years ago when Salma and Shaukat had picked Faizan over Sheryaar, Nasreen knew she couldn’t finish her friendship with Parveen over her parents’ decision. She maintained her friendship quietly to avoid anyone feeling uncomfortable, so no one knew any details about Parveen.

Parveen wanted to share how Mikhail  felt about Ayesha, maybe Nasreen could figure something out but at the same time she might just mess everything up in her rush to get things done. If Naheed found out too soon or in the wrong circumstances, who Mikhail was, she would flatly refuse the proposal.  And history would repeat itself all over again. Sheryaar and Naheed. Mikhail and Ayesha. She couldn’t bear the thought of that happening to Mikhail. She realized she couldn’t keep this information from Nasreen much longer, one of these days Nasreen might bump into Mikhail at Salma’s house, it was a wonder she hadn’t already.

 

“Are you listening? What is wrong with you?” Nasreen irritably asked Parveen as they drank tea in Parveen’s room one early evening.

“Nothing why?”  Answered Parveen trying to concentrate on what Nasreen was complaining about, her mind wandering around the parts of the problem, trying to solve them.

“Because you aren’t paying attention to what I am talking to you about. Did you have a fight with your husband or something?” Asked Nasreen.

“No, of course not. I was listening, and just thinking that’s all.”

“Well?” Asked Nasreen.

“Well what?” Asked Parveen smiling at Nasreen’s exasperated expression.

“Well have you come up with anything or not genius?”

“No. I can’t figure anything out. I don’t think we can rush them like this. They refuse to even consider anything right now. It has only been a few months Nasreen. You shouldn’t do this to Naheed. It is just too early for her. Let’s leave things for awhile maybe something will come up, and everything will just fall into place.” Said Parveen.

“Are you kidding me? How can things just fall into place? And the longer we give them and leave the topic, the more chances are that it will just get left altogether and nothing will ever come of it.” Nasreen was irritated at her friend’s suggestion.

“Nasreen, they are not kids, they are adults capable of making their own decisions. We can’t force them, what do you suggest we are going to do? Knock them out and get the Nikah done?”

“I don’t know, but that isn’t a bad idea you know! If all else fails…..” Laughed Nasreen, seeing the silly side of the situation. She knew Parveen was right. There was not much they could do. But Nasreen hated the inaction and the waiting. Parveen had that look again and Nasreen suspected she was keeping something to herself. This really bugged her, she couldn’t bear the curiosity.

“There is something you aren’t telling me. What is it? Is Sheryaar interested in someone else?” Asked Nasreen jumping to conclusions. 

“No! Of course not! Don’t be so ridiculous. It isn’t anything like that.”

“Well it is something and it’s driving me crazy. You know I can’t stand suspense, so out with it.” Demanded Nasreen. 

“Nasreen, I was just thinking we should leave the whole thing alone for awhile. Not even talk about it to Naheed or Sheryaar. Let’s just see what happens and….”

“Nothing will just happen. They’ll be glad we aren’t bugging them and forget the whole damn thing. What is it? You aren’t telling me something. You have gotten an idea haven’t you?”  Nasreen would keep after her till she told whatever it was, Parveen thought about what to tell her.

“What if we can get them together indirectly, after some time? You know go about this another way?” Started Parveen.

“And just what is that ‘other way’?” Nasreen asked sarcastically.

Parveen thought for a few moments thinking about how to say what she wanted in a way that would convince Nasreen. The only way Nasreen could understand was when it was presented to her straight forward and no beating around the bush. Nasreen was losing her patience, what little of it she possessed, at Parveen’s seeming unwillingness to share her idea.

“Oh for Heaven’s sake! What is it woman?” Nasreen felt like pulling out her hair.

“What if……”

“What if what? Tell me before I pass out.” Interrupted Nasreen.

“What if we get Mikhail and Ayesha engaged, and then married as soon as they are both done with their studies.”

“Hah! We can’t get these two relatively docile personalities to listen to us and you plan on getting young minds of their own to agree to an arranged marriage? Maybe you have that much of a hold on Mikhail, but Ayesha! We won’t be able to get her to agree especially when she finds out you are the boy’s mother. She is really stubborn.” Said Nasreen.

“She must take after you,” laughed Parveen. “What if they like each other enough? And they think it is their own choice?” Asked Parveen her eyes starting to twinkle.

“Okay, I have had it! Out with it in one go! Stop talking like some over dramatic bad T.V serial. What is going on?” Nasreen demanded.

“Mikhail knows Ayesha very well. He’s Hasan’s best friend and he likes Ayesha.  A lot. He’s over at Hasan’s every weekend when Ayesha is there and they all go out together quite a bit. From what Mikhail tells me sometimes I think Ayesha might have some feelings for him as well. So?” Asked Parveen.

“You have got to be kidding me! Hasan, Ayesha’s cousin?  All this time! And we never knew what was going on? How could we have missed it? And no one knows who anyone is? This is one hell of a crazy coincidence. Did you tell Mikhail who Ayesha is, I mean the whole story with Sheryaar and Naheed?” Nasreen was stunned, this was great news.

“No of course not, that might scare him off. He’ll realize that Naheed would never say yes and he might stay away to avoid the whole situation.”

“We have got to speed up the process, eventually Naheed could find out who Mikhail is. What if she decides to interview him some day, you know just out of curiosity since the kids are going out together so much. That would ruin everything. We have got to get them engaged, but how? Once everyone meets you, it will be a catastrophe. This is getting complicated.” Nasreen wasn’t sure this new development was good or would just make everything worse.

  

 

Chapters

18

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fayha wrote 405 days ago

Beautifully written very touching. Proud to have it on my bookshelf.

Jannypeacock wrote 626 days ago

I really liked this. I tend to avoid books that deal with various cultures as often the writer tends to be offering more of an education than entertainment, but you strike a beautiful balance between both. Perhaps is because Ayesha is such a likeable MC, the reader becomes totally immersed in the story because of this.
Janny

AlexiaDeAngelis wrote 630 days ago

I've just poked my nose into this, having been lured by the pitch and the subject. I welled up after the first two sentences and again as you describe how Ayesha's father used to look at her mother with adoration. In my book I have alot of foreign terms and I have tried to describe immediately after mentioning them what they mean. I know its really difficult when you have so many relevant things in mind - I wanted to add so many more, but then I also wanted to reader to relate to the story.
Anyway, absolutely love your story, and really wish you the best of luck with it :) Backed with six stars. I cannot believe this isn't on more bookshelves?!

Alexia
Confessions of a Dervish

Nici wrote 667 days ago

I've read the opening chapters and was hooked from the start by the idea, the main character and the two cultures. The way it's written got me involved and I think it would work for young adult/cross-over to adult readers.

I agree with the previous comment on footnotes - they interrupt the story. What I've done in my novels to get round this, either with foreign language or with technical/historical terms, is to write the English or a definition immediately after the term you've put a footnote for.

e.g. his burappay ki aulad, the child of his old age (I think that is more natural English word order) It works surprisingly well as a technique in keeping the flavour without losing the meaning.

Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

Claire_E wrote 671 days ago

My comments tend to be a disjointed list of the thoughts I have as I read. Hope that works for you.

I would change "getting" to "becoming", not for any technical reason really, just cos I think it would flow better.

I like the way you show the disjointed thought process through your prose, very clever.

Personally I wouldn't have footnotes in a story. This is very textbooky and interrupts the flow of the read. Any translations can be put in square brackets.

I think this is beautifully written and your descriptions are excellent. Good luck.

dan nicolai wrote 199 days ago

Just read the first page, this is great. Drama & strong characters. Will check out the rest of it soon.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 368 days ago

THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN RESTAURANTS
This is an interesting story: a young woman moving from a country where war never happens to one where bullets fly past the house at night. Ayesha is a good main character; she’s likable and sympathetic because of her love for her father and having to make this dramatic move. It’s interesting you mention the heat; I have a neighbor who was stationed in in Iraq not that long again and the main thing he talks about is the unrelenting temperature. I like the way your characters think in their native language; lets you describe scenes with a richness that kept pulling me into the story. Very well written. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Sharda D wrote 403 days ago

Hi,
here for our reading swap.
I liked this, you have a lovely writing style. There is some beautiful imagery, and the writing is very lyrical.

Some small niggles...
1) Felt there were quite a few characters introduced in the first chapter. This is fine, but you may need to spend a little more time giving each character a visual/verbal marker so that we can keep track more easily. I found it a bit confusing. I am tired tho'!!
2) There seems to be alot of description and explanation in chapter 1. I'd like a little more action to draw the reader in quicky. Again, that' s just me.

Apart from that, there is plenty to like here.
Will give you 5 stars,
All the best,
Sharda.
Please take a look at mine when you have the time. No pressure.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Eddie Santos wrote 404 days ago

I backed Things That Happen in Restaurants by mistake when I was trying to add it to my watching list to read later. Thanks God I did, because I would either have to remove it from my shelf or start reading it straight away and I chose to start reading. The book is still on my shelf and it will be there for a few days to give it the support it needs to go up in the rank. It is a beautiful and well written story and I am enjoying every single line of what you write. Thanks for having written it. I am giving it 6 stars and will leave it on my shelf for a few days. I am sure many people will read it and it will be very successfull. I rotate books on my shelf after they are there for a few days, but when you get closer to the editor's desk as you will, please do not hesitate to ask me to back your book again as it will be a pleasure.
Eddie

fayha wrote 405 days ago

Beautifully written very touching. Proud to have it on my bookshelf.

Melissa Koehler wrote 545 days ago

i think the description in your novel is great. i could sympathize easily with your characters. one thing id like to suggest is changing your long pitch. i found that you almost summarized your book and packed way too much information into one paragraph. i also think your book would benefit from breaking down your paragraphs- some of them seem a tad long. i wish you the very best of luck with this.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Walden Carrington wrote 617 days ago

Khaula,
I felt great sympathy for Ayesha as I read the account. She is a sympathetic protagonist who must adjust to a whole new culture and the reader has much to learn while reading this well-researched story.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Jannypeacock wrote 626 days ago

I really liked this. I tend to avoid books that deal with various cultures as often the writer tends to be offering more of an education than entertainment, but you strike a beautiful balance between both. Perhaps is because Ayesha is such a likeable MC, the reader becomes totally immersed in the story because of this.
Janny

AlexiaDeAngelis wrote 630 days ago

I've just poked my nose into this, having been lured by the pitch and the subject. I welled up after the first two sentences and again as you describe how Ayesha's father used to look at her mother with adoration. In my book I have alot of foreign terms and I have tried to describe immediately after mentioning them what they mean. I know its really difficult when you have so many relevant things in mind - I wanted to add so many more, but then I also wanted to reader to relate to the story.
Anyway, absolutely love your story, and really wish you the best of luck with it :) Backed with six stars. I cannot believe this isn't on more bookshelves?!

Alexia
Confessions of a Dervish

Nicole Ellis wrote 659 days ago

I finished chapter one and enjoyed it from the start. I can truly feel this family's pain and the stark airport setting is a perfect backdrop and juxtoposition to the emotional turmoil they are facing . i can feel our protagonist's angst at moving to Pakistan. One suggestion-- the swan comment kind of took me out of the overall mood you created. The metaphore didnt seem to work for me there. In all, great descriptions, rich I really enjoyed it and could tell this is going to be a rich and engaging novel.

Best,
N

Nici wrote 667 days ago

I've read the opening chapters and was hooked from the start by the idea, the main character and the two cultures. The way it's written got me involved and I think it would work for young adult/cross-over to adult readers.

I agree with the previous comment on footnotes - they interrupt the story. What I've done in my novels to get round this, either with foreign language or with technical/historical terms, is to write the English or a definition immediately after the term you've put a footnote for.

e.g. his burappay ki aulad, the child of his old age (I think that is more natural English word order) It works surprisingly well as a technique in keeping the flavour without losing the meaning.

Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

Claire_E wrote 671 days ago

My comments tend to be a disjointed list of the thoughts I have as I read. Hope that works for you.

I would change "getting" to "becoming", not for any technical reason really, just cos I think it would flow better.

I like the way you show the disjointed thought process through your prose, very clever.

Personally I wouldn't have footnotes in a story. This is very textbooky and interrupts the flow of the read. Any translations can be put in square brackets.

I think this is beautifully written and your descriptions are excellent. Good luck.

CarolinaAl wrote 672 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A touching start. A sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Plenty of local details that evoke Pakistan. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "You always have to tell me something weird Ayesha, ... " Comma after 'weird.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you address someone but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
2) "To just ....... I don't know, be absorbed into those colors, ... " When using an ellipsis ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more than three dots is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure are what you mean to imply with seven dots. You don't want that. There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) 'She thought to herself.' 'She' should be lowercase.
4) "Damn hypocrite" Period after 'hypocrite.'
5) "Let me sleep." He mumbled. Comma after 'sleep' and 'He' should be lowercase. 'He mumbled' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation) and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
6) 'Ayesha felt her heart wrench.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her heart 'wrenching' so vividly the reader will experience it along with Ayesha. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story. There are more cases of 'felt' in this chapter.
7) Hyphenate 'son in law.'
8) 'Mr. And Mrs. Pecchia had given notice to the children's school ... ' 'And' should be lowercase.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your continuing support of "Savannah Fire."

Have a wonderful day.

Al

khaula mazhar wrote 672 days ago

Have just put in a revised chapter one

Nigel Fields wrote 672 days ago

I enjoyed reading through chapter 4 today. I felt well-submerged in the culture when at Faizan's funeral. This scene was well done. I was especially moved by the memories, such as when he was held as a child. I also thought you handled well the conflict Ayesha met when trying to get her school admissions form. This was quite vivid. I'm interested to see this story unfold. Highly starred today.
Best,
John B Campbell

karenrosario wrote 672 days ago

The premise is great, and anyone who has lived with two different cultures will identify with a lot of Ayesha's feelings. I have only read chapter 1 so far, so this is based on that...
I like how you capture the cruel intrusion of the airhostess- its a detail that we can all identify with. You are very insightful with the observations you make (e.g. wondering if her mother will ever wear lipstick again). Ayesha has a strong personality, and she appears very complex. I like her a lot.
That said, I found the outburst regarding the man from Dubai a little abrupt and harsh- possibly it seemed to contain quite a lot of anger- "loser", "stupid, fools", "damn hypocrite". I would consider cutting down on that slightly. Possibly just having "Stupid Dubai palat desi,". It appears that at this point she is unable to focus properly on her emotions so a fleeting contempt for the man seems more fitting than such strong disdain.

There is a lot that is very touching about this first chapter- her bewilderment at what is going to happen, her stifled grief, little details such as her father being 'offically dead' in three weeks, her father joking about her living in Pakistan and now it being true but without him, her brother calling out for their father in his sleep, the blending of cultures (I like the carefully placed pakistani words- although on the odd occasion they break the flow. Consider footnotes rather than in brackets?).

On the whole I enjoyed the first chapter, although from about midway I did start to want to skip ahead- I think there was a lot of detail about relationships and logistics (contacting family to arrange for tickets, the friendship of Mehmood and Faizan) that, although is necessary to know at some point, could possibly be shifted to a bit later in the book as it slowed the action down. From the moment of her trying to wake her brother and sister I kind of wanted her to arrive pretty much immediately, so the details on past events and other things bored me slightly. This could just be my impatience though- I don't doubt the necessity of the details, just possibly the placing of it.

One other thing that I have a slight question about is the fact that the story begins "August 1995". The story immediately feels dated and I would question whether you need to give it a date. I'm guessing the story goes through several years, hence the date, but I wonder if you need to date it or not... I haven't read on so I don't know. And maybe its fine, it could just be me, I just get put off if I begin a story and it says "1998" or "2003" or something. It doesn't feel immediate or current.

I like the front cover :-)

RossClark1981 wrote 672 days ago

- Ayesha -

(Based on the first three authonomy chapters)

I enjoyed reading this. I teach a course in migration studies and my own focus lies on intergenerational differences between migrants so there was certainly a lot in Ayesha to hook me in. The premise is an original one as I haven’t come across a novel before that deals with someone from a second generation migrant background ‘returning’ to the old country. There is a lot of scope in this story for emotional turmoil as the MC faces not only the problems of trying to fit into a culture that is almost alien but also identity crises as she faces the possibility of rejection for being too western. There is a very well observed scene in the third chapter posted here for example in which Ayesha faces a level of unwarranted rudeness from a college admissions officer that would be stunning to someone not used to how things are done in the country. That scene made me smile as it reminded me a lot of my own experience of living in foreign countries.

I enjoyed the writing too. The somber mood of grief is well set up in the opening chapter and controlled throughout. In chapter one we have a daughter’s grief and in chapter three (authonomy chapter 2) we have a mother’s, the latter being perhaps even more moving. There are some very nice observations of culture too. I liked finding out about attitudes towards workers returning from Dubai and the way the inter-relationships between family members was dealt with.

I do have the feeling that some polishing and ironing out is still needed though. Nothing major, mostly cosmetic things. To wit:

-The opening paragraph has a lot of sentences that begin after commas. I’m hopeless at punctuation myself but I think you’d have to either make a choice between using semi-colons or starting a new sentence here. Someone more versed in these things could advise you better than myself though.

-There is a fair bit of repetition. So in the third chapter posted for example, we have “large grassless field” closely followed by “dusty hot field” and then we hear about the “depressing lack of grass”. If you were to go through the MS and try to eliminate the repetition , I think you’d be able to hone and tighten things a lot more. As a side note, repetition certainly does not mean that someone isn’t talented – Nikolai Gogol is famous/infamous for his inability to rid his manuscripts of repetition.

-The last point I’d make is with the bracketed translations of the words in Urdu in chapter one. I’d advise removing these as they bring the author out of the narrative and the fictional world they have entered. I implement foreign words into my own manuscript and I learned somewhere along the way that there are different ways of dealing with it. One way is that you can ‘teach’ the reader the words – you can make it obvious from the context what the word means. So, for example, where the brother is affectionately addressed in one of the chapters, it’s not necessary to give a definition of the word because we know that it’s a brother-sister relationship and the tone and context let us know that the word is affectionate. The other option, if the context cannot be made clear and the understanding of the foreign word is important, is to have the foreign word in italics, then a comma, then the English word. Personally, I don’t mind if I can’t figure out exactly what a foreign word means in a text because I have some idea and not knowing precisely lets my imagination go and a ride thinking about it. It increases the magic of it for me.

Anyway, I hope there was something useful in there. As I say, I’ve enjoyed this and I’ll watchlist it now for a spin on my shelf when I have some space.

All the best with it,

Ross

Robert Slimm wrote 672 days ago

Hi Khaula
I just gave you 6 stars and placed the book on my watchlist where it will remain for all eternity.
''Ayesha'' is a cracking story and I think this book is well underrated!
Hope it all works out in the end until then keep writing you have the knack for sure.
kind regards.
R Slimm

J.Kinkade wrote 673 days ago

Highly rated for the pitch alone (I may be biased, however.) I can't wait to dive into this story. Pakistan is the most fascinating place imaginable, but going there under less than desirable circumstances would have to awful. Anyway, six stars. I'll be back for more in a bit. Cheers until then, JKinkade

khaula mazhar wrote 674 days ago

have done some editing on chapter one and added English translations in brackets for readers' ease, hope this is better

Nigel Fields wrote 674 days ago

Hi Khaula,
For today, I could only peak at your first chapter and have a taste of your work. I like it. I do agree with Andi's comments, but I also want to come back and spend more time on this. As soon as I can, I'll offer a more substantive comment.
Best,
John

Andi Brown wrote 674 days ago

Hi Khaula,

I like this very much. First, I'm intrigued by the reverse migration story. There are lots of books about people leaving their own countries and moving to the west (Did you read Brick Lane?) but not the other way. And your writing is excellent. Really stellar. You do a terrific job with character and plot.

I do have a few suggestions that I think will strengthen your work. I found quite a bit of repetition. You sometimes say the same thing a few different ways, and it slows the reader down. Examples: In the very first paragraph, you say "...it didn't seem real....she couldn't feel the reality of her loss." And "she was far away....she was hollow." So I think it could use a bit of tightening up, which would make the work flow more easily.

I am a big believer in the writer's maxim "show, don't tell," and I did find some "telling." Example: ...undisputed queen of the house." You show us by saying her rule became law. That and what you say next is more good showing; no need to tell us what you showed us. Instead of saying the neighbors "had given their support every step of the way" how about: Mr. and Mrs. Pecchia had arranged for the school records to be transferred. The X's had helped with the real estate closing. Another neighbor brought Pakistani delicacies nightly so Naheed never had to go near the stove during her mourning period.

You can absolutely do this - you have the writing chops. I think this is a lovely story, lyrically and gracefully told. I'm giving you a very rare five stars for this, and I'll put it on my watch list for now. I wish I had ten slots on my shelf, which is committed for a while. But I'll keep watching you,and I hope you do well here.

Best,
Andi
Animal Cracker

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