A Paradise for the Damned

Good reading. I think although not for me, I can see this doing quite well. I feel for poor old Claude but his journey suits the book. I dont know if there there is a call for this book in this genre, but I liked it and will be watching from the side lines. Well done.
Sean Connolly British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

I really enjoyed reading this, though your style isn't one I've encountered a lot here or on other writing community sites. Some of it read awkwardly, like a verb tense or a noun was incorrectly plural or not, but that might be the style, which I can't comment on with any certainty, so I won't. I like the story and the lessons threaded throughout. It's an interesting premise, though I think it would have been equally entertaining without the vampires. I think evil people are even more interesting than unnatural beings who are made to be that way by virtue of their creation. But I still enjoyed it. I think it would benefit from a good edit - you had some misplaced punctuation, missing punctuation, some typos and other things, but it didn't detract too much. Nothing an edit wouldn't fix. I'm going to rate it highly and back it because I think it's original and well-written.

Laura
Aequitas

This may be a little confusing, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I can't think of anything more confusing then The Big Sleep but that didn't seem to do Raymond Chandler any harm. Can't quite see why this novel is going down other than it is incomplete but if the ending is as good as the beginning it will be a lot better than most novels posted.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

I found this confusing at times and the big words and unfamiliar usage of them didn't help. I think it's good to show a mastery of words, but you also want your readers to sit back and enjoy without having to figure out what you're saying.

Good start.

Abby

Not being very up on history or being familiar with the names and the places, I found them difficult to remember or imagine. My own ignorance of course.
There is also some distracting punctuation, but nothing that editing won't fix.
The long pitch sounded much more interesting and readable than the first chapter. I continued on and it's all coming together now in my head.
Jesamine.

finished the new chapters, quite satisfying, though I'm getting concerned for poor Claude, his happiness, but talk about character development, he's a changed man. can't wait to see how this plays out . . .

Oh wonderful - the perfect pitch to either draw the reader right in or send them running away forever with their cheeks afire!

Rich, dense writing free-falling from word one. An assured voice at work here, writing with style and purpose. I have nothing to criticise. This is what it is. Do I like it? Does it matter? The writing is good and rolls along in a manner unusual given the genre.

Do I like it? Well, yes, very much.

I have starred and WL'd - but as a rule I don't put incomplete books on my shelf, because I really want to see if a writer can sustain the work right through to it's conclusion. Otherwise it would be there.

But, damn fine writing, a tale told with panache and flair.

Enough of the superlatives. If it's complete, we would like to see the whole thing please. If it's not complete...you better get writing quick.

Cas

why not capitalize the title?
j
what every woman should know

I was compelled to read it again, that's how good it is!

This thing is damn excellent. Hurry up and get it published so I can finish reading it!

CROSS AND THE BLACK
This is an interesting story. Not for everyone, certainly, but I liked it a lot. I found the title a little puzzling; seems as if it should be “black something”. Not really important, tho, because you have a great writing style for historical fiction; able to make poor Claude come alive and certainly evoke sympathy for the loss of his hat and his virginity. I’m impressed with the way you infuse period details into the story a few at a time; lets a reader know how everything looks but doesn’t bog down your story. I’ve highly starred this and added it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Brilliant stuff. Did you re-write some of this? If not, it reads much better the second time around, lol. I read (or re-read) from chapter 6 onwards – everything seems tighter and more relevant although I was reading slower too, which might have helped! The overall story seems clearer, but not at the expense of the details, if you see what I mean.

I’ve just spent an hour trying to write a proper review, but it ended up just a list of ‘I like this bit, and I like this bit, and I also like this and this and this...’ which was naff. If there is anything specifically you want feedback on, let me know, but basically I am enjoying this immensely, and look forward to reading the rest of it :)

It seems to me that Guy wants Claude to love (him), but it’s the other way around? I could be wrong, it wouldn’t be the first time hahaha.

Sorry about the delay in commenting on your latest chapters – crazy busy at the moment and not much chance to read properly. In brief - I am enjoying it still, I particularly like the language and voice you use, but I’m not sure what the significance of some of some of the plot is, ie things happen then other things happen, but I’m not sure what the consequences of those things are long term and what it’s building up to, if you see what I mean. However, I’m aware that this is all quite different from what I am used to (one of the reasons why I like it), and as such the pace is perhaps slower than I’m expecting with less ‘in your face’ obviousness. I thought I’d let you know I’m still reading though!

This book takes a lot of work and I suspect the author wrote it so knowingly. It's as if the writer doesn't suffer fools gladly, badly, or madly, but makes the reader work his arse off to unlock the impenetrable and feed upon the inaccessible.

It's a story about Claude who seems at first little more than a street urchin, but Providence has bigger plans for the small-hearted man. It's not an easy book, but one rewarded with diligence if you don't allow the author to torture your mind. I backed it.

Hello Olefish,
Came to this through a comment you left on a self-publishing thread.
A highly original and entertaining story. The period is successfully evoked. The characters enlivened deftly whilst the pace and tension build nicely.
'bum' derriere work better..?
Otherwise no complaints as I was entertained by this.
Good Luck with it!
On my WL and 5-starred.
John
Dropping Babies

Really enjoyed this, read it all. Guy is scary, domineering and utterly evil, but yet, oddly attractive.
I think you write beautifully, it has a very poetic quality to it.

Nice one.

Backed

I liked chapter 5! Especially the threat to break him (good hook), and the fact that I don't actually know where this is going. Please write quicker ;)

I like your short pitch, it interested me in your book and made me want to read more. I found your long pitch could use a bit of editing - I found the line "God wants his redemption and seriousness" a bit of an odd statement - God wants his seriousness? Perhaps there is a better word that could be used here? I don't know why but it bothered me. Also, the way the long pitch starts with "Claude just lost his hat" - made me think "really? like right now? just now?" perhaps this could use rephrasing too...I also found the diction of "Read here...: a bit odd. Perhaps it would read better as "This is the struggle..." just my two cents anyway and just in my humble opinion...

I love your first line. It's excellent. But I have to admit I got a bit lost after that though. No doubt, your writing is strong and interesting - I just wasn't quite sure what you were talking about. What time period is this happening in? What is really going on? Tennis and swords? The antics of university students? Latin? French?

I certainly appreciated the combination of sex and sin, of the holy and the profane, as it is something that I explore in my own work, but I really have to admit that I wasn't quite sure what century we were in and what exactly was going on...

an "I just fucked you smile" - that's pretty funny actually...

I enjoyed the language here - it is clever - you don't talk down to your readers - it's a fun yet intellectual read - but I just didn't find myself getting into it to the degree that I would need to in order to keep reading or to buy this book. But that, of course is really just a matter of personal taste. It is clear you have talent, and I'm sure that this book will appeal to a certain audience...

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Liked this, and backed on behalf of Yerwun :-)

Read the first chapter, and of the main characters I've encountered on this site, I like Claude the best I think. His fears about getting older and his wish not to have to make his own decisions seem very real. My only criticism would be that there was a bit of a lack of description and I sometimes found it hard to picture exactly what was going on, which was confusing in a few places. But it was still a good read; watchlisted and starred, and I'll be reading more.

I read chapter 3. What can I say? I thought the writing was good, although I had trouble following the story from time to time. but I figured it out eventually.. I think Claude and Serge might have been lovers in another century. Their pain in the century where they are, is overwhelming. They are condemned, even though the people who come to Claude, including Serge, somehow find a way of blaming Claude for their desires. Interesting story. Claude is a scapegoat. I liked the beginning, where you talk about the thousands of protestants floating in the river. Shows how far the church strayed from the teachings of Jesus during that time. not unlike today. Jesus the carpenter seems too much, too liberal, too conservative, too perfect, too right for the men of the church. Have you ever read, "the Grand Inquisitor" from, 'The Brothers Karamazov" By Dostoevsky? You should read it....just that one chapter. http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/pol116/grand.htm
I wonder if you should use, "and" three times in the first sentence. Maybe you should make it two different sentences instead.
Instead of "and beggars gathered," Maybe it should be "where beggars gathered."
the word "penumbra" doesn't seem to fit for some reason. Maybe "riddle" would be better. (maybe I don't know what I'm talking about...very possible!)
I had to look up "berdache"
Thanks for valuing my opinion on your MS. good luck! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R,L.

Ok, I ‘ve read this on two sites now, lol. And like it a lot on both of them.

For AFF - In some ways AFF is more serious than here. There is no game there, you can’t buy reads or ratings, no one has a vested interest in being kind to you. If the short pitch isn’t interesting, they wont click. If the story doesn’t deliver, they wont rate. You seem to be doing ok there (so advice is pretty redundant) but if I was going to suggest anything I might suggest changing the short pitch there to one similar to the one here, or maybe adding where and when it is set (ie In 17th century Paris, a male whore...). The one here is excellent (IMHO). And take out OC from the tags (you’re in originals, OCs are mandatory lol) and adding ORAL. But then this might be crap advice, I don’t know. (Also, if you’re interested – with the star ratings, they aren’t a perfect system by any means, but as far as I can tell, stories that get 1 five star rating per 100 hits are probably worth taking a look at, a higher percentage are doing very well, and less than a solid 5 star rating, or fewer than 1 in 100 are less popular).

It’s still taking me a while to get into your style rather than getting it immediately, but by chapters 2 and 3 I find it much easier. The dialog is especially good, and even though I don’t understand a few of the terms, they are easy to guess in context, and adds to the overall flavour of the work. I like the lit fic/ hist fic angle and I’m glad you didn’t change it too much (this is a new version, yes? If not, I am being a muppet, lol). And I love the characters, and what the story promises as a whole.

I’m not convinced by chapter 4 though. It starts well, but it kind of loses the tension at the end, and in terms of pace and story arcs, this chapter especially I think you are going to want to deliver. At the end of chapter 3, you’ve set it all up nicely – and readers are left excited and wanting to know what happens next to them, which is obviously good. But the overall story about Claude and Guy loses the drama a bit. I don’t think that every scene needs to be focused on them together, but I would say all scenes need to relate to their relationship and character development, as this is the central story. Like the scenes with Serge and Claude, these actually had an impact albeit indirectly. The bit in the farm and church at the end of chapter 4 seemed a bit long and slow, and not particularly relevant. I want more Claude and Guy, basically. It doesn’t even need to be smutty .

I’ll still be looking for updates, though. Good luck x

I enjoyed this. It has pizzazz and bravado. I've read a fair few vampire novels in my time (one of my favourites is on your shelf) and I've become fairly fussy in my requirements. Teenage swooning and metaphorical rape fantasies leave me cold. The ideas in this one hit the mark. Irreverent. Amusing. Skewering hypocrisy. And there's an honesty about Claude for all his lies and thefts. All that, before I even consider the writing itself.

This is, I think, the most important thing I have to say about your book: I found enjoyment in your writing and your words, and thought that you were enjoying yourself writing it. In a crowded field, it has to be the use of language that marks out one vampire story from another; you know, before the beginning, you're going to get sex, blood, darkness, eternal life, a devil's bargain - the curiosity comes from seeing whether an author can set his/her own mark upon a piece. From what I read here, I see a writer engaging with the English language to conjure images in a reader's mind. This is necessary: that old saw about 'it's not what you say, it's the way that you say it' is true. And I also see a writer who trusts the reader: you are willing to let your readers work a bit as they read - as with the elipsis in the alley towards the beginning of ch2. To my mind, the piece reads perhaps a couple of centuries later than your stated period, but you carry it off with sufficient bravado for me not to want to quibble too much. You make language work for you, and it was a real joy to read it.

This said, you do need to edit carefully for punctuation. It's there to help a reader towards the right reading. And, at points, I had to reread to make sure I understood to whom a pronoun referred. So for these reasons I suggest careful rereading for commas and dangling modifiers. I didn't have any real problems with the vocabulary (I'd disgree with another comment and suggest 'whore' would suit your pitch better than 'prostitute' - you need words that reflect the mood and period of your book). There are a few specific things that left me puzzled: the line, 'Thick veins resisted his skin and crisscrossed the girth of his drumstick forearms.' left me grasping for meaning and I think 'shined his green eyes' is simply wrong (I must also say black hair and green eyes are a very common combination of characteristics in fantasy novels). Authonomy's not the place for line editing but I can discuss this further with you if you wish. At times, I had to read very closely because the point of view switched suddenly from one person to another (for instance, Claude & Serge in ch3). I'm not against sudden pov shifts per se but I do like to know whose head I'm in at any given time and switches between between stream of internal consciousness and omniscient are particularly hard to do. Also, in that same scene, 'moral jungle' jarred, jungles not being a feature of 16C France. Keep your similes & metaphors in line with your setting. I did feel that something - a little something that I'm straining to put my finger on - was lost towards the end of the upload. Perhaps a slight dampening of the exuberance of the piece as it moved from town to country or perhaps that there was nothing to replace the relationship between Serge and Claude (very well drawn, I thought, and - dare I say - more interesting than that between Guy and Claude).

So I repeat, I enjoyed this. I'd like to read more, to find out what happens to Claude, and I'd like to see it tidied up a bit, but it's a strong, engaging beginning to a book. Good luck with it, Harriet

Hi, I've had a read of your first chapter. You have a fresh, lively writing style and some lovely descriptions.

Ok, first picks in your pitch:

'...is oblivious to its danger in a 16th century..' - I think this should read '...is oblivious to danger in a 16th century...' or '...is oblivious to the dangers of a 16th century...'

'...or the matters of his heart...' doesn't read well to me, maybe should read '...or matters of the heart...', but I think you could probably find a better way to express this.

'... explores the shape of illicit love...' doesn't read well, why not just '...explores illicit love...' or '...explores an illicit relationship...'

C.1
'...inculcating veretra in the pudends of omniflexible Lucretia...' ?? I get that Claude is not supposed to understand, but neither did I - and even with the use of the thesaurus I still don't know what you mean.

'Instantly blades brandished its annoyance.' I'm not quite sure what you are trying to convey here. Do you mean the creditors brandished their blades in annoyance, or are you saying that the blade itself was showing annoyance? Either way, the sentence doesn't read well.
'Ferrule fingers...' did you mean feral - as in savage?

I hope this doesn't seem really negative because I think you have some great writing in there.

Good Luck to you,
Maisie

You certainly have an interesting premise going on here, with a richness in language and setting that is fairly immersive at first glance. Still, occasionally the language seems somewhat stilted, and you do occasionally use the wrong pronoun...

"blades would brandish its annoyance" when it should be *their* annoyance, for example

Not bad. I look forward to seeing more.

As a preliminary issue, I think you can tighten up your pitch a little bit:

"Claude Severin is oblivious to the dangers of his job as a male whore in [ ] 16th century France. He is oblivious to [ ] matters of his heart[,] but very aware of his poverty. A stranger [ ] offers to teach him how to read and write, and he snatches the opportunity [to] raise his station. [E]ducation and enlightenment[, however,] come at a mortal price...

The novel explores the shape of illicit love in a tight religious society, the meaning of brotherhood, the trappings of adulthood, and the demands of God and Man."

or

""Claude Severin is oblivious to the dangers of his job as a male whore in [ ] 16th century France. When a stranger [ ] offers to teach him how to read and write, he snatches the opportunity [to] raise his station. [E]ducation and enlightenment[, however,] come at a mortal price...

Take the suggested edits for what you will. That said, I think the first sentence of the pitch is excellent and strikes me as unique from the start. I shall read on.

This was really good. I like the MC and I love the voice you tell his story with. The pace is fast and punchy, bit like pushing through a crowded street filled with picaresque characters. You manage to conjoure up smells and textures and a whole world for me with your crowded text - loving it. Definite shelver for next change over.
One minor point - in chapter one you have the line: '..of the string bean but handsome bean..' does this read right, or is it just me?

Really glad to have found something different on here - and something so well written. Any more to go up?
Cariad.

Greetings,

This is an interesting story so far, it really resonated with me in the styling of more classic literature. I don't read a lot of historical-toned fiction, butI think you manage to do a good job with your setting and your characters. I am going to back this book and see what you manage to do with it.

As a few things that I think could be improved, there are times where you overuse words, such as sissies in the opening. The first few instances were interesting, but then I started noticing them as being used too much. (And then you went on not to use it very much at all!) If you're going to use repeat words, I think you should take a little more care with how you limit them. It took away from the more floral style of your writing for me.

Good luck!

Read through Chapter 2. Still hoping Claude finds some joy in his life. He seems to be standing up for himself a little more than he did in chapter 1. Learned a little about 16th century Toulouse. I still find I like your style!
Guy MUST be a demon in the guise of a human. ...hope I don't have nightmares tonight, about Guy biting Claude! You had me on the edge of my seat! I was proud of Claude for standing up to him....sort of.

Lines I like:
“The beggars were arrogantly grateful. They shamed him into living more fully.”
“He treated Claude like a creature of the flesh rather than someone to love.”
Typos..chapter 3:
“Hence Claude could not get a apprenticeship...” should be ‘an.’
“How Claude be so free?” should have the word, ‘could’ in there.
“...but the last four years didn’t have to be have been wasted.” An extra word?
“Claude brushed off Guy’s hand off him angrily.”
Good luck!
Your friend, Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Writing is only good if it provocates some kind of a reaction with its readers. You definitly have a way of doing that and that is what makes this good writing. Giving you high stars. :)

Jennie Lyne Hiott
Hearts and Lies

Great read. Love the way you incorporate the language of the setting!

Wow what an awful life Claude leads. I like the style, and I hope and wish for Claude to find some small bit of joy.
See? Got lost in the story.
I really didn't understand what he was doing, playing tennis in the schoolyard/monastaery/church.... with swords? Must google the history of the game of tennis!
Good luck!

Your style of writing has got a sort of olde worldy feel to it, some of the wording you used kind of reminded me a bit of Shakespeare or Geoffrey Chaucer, which did make it a little hard going some of the time, but also you had great lines like; "You dare lift your haggish countenance on our Isarn again" & "Your wife would tame you with her spindle for gifting your hat to one of your many whores", which enriched the story, but some of these great lines i feel get lost within you tale because the style of your writing is rather old sounding, but this is just my opinon. However a different kind of story told in an interesting way :-)

Hi Olefish, a return read.
I think this story is lost on me. You should give a warning, 'Bring your dictionary when you read this!'
The language is much too wordy for me. Leans more towards the literary market. Which is not a bad thing, I suppose. Just isn't what I would read.
You do have some great turns of phrase, like, 'Devil-buggered-sheep' ha ha. And there are many more.
For me the language is just too complicated to enjoy the story. In fact I wouldn't know what the story was about, if I hadn't read the pitch!
But, what do I know, I'm no literary critic.
Anyway, all the best, Olefish and good luck with your books.
Orma

Something happened here in the 3rd and 4th chapters, a departure from the style in the first two chapters. The last two chapters were much better than the previous and I was able to understand and enjoy the story you are telling.It might be the font that was used, but I don't believe so. I think that perhaps you just hit your stride and it showed in the writing.

In Chap. 1, some of the words were completely unknown to me (second language for me) and I had trouble with them. That stopped the reading flow. I was confused about why Benoit and the other tennis players were suddenly Claude's creditors and why he was basically used for sex without payment.

In Chap 2., it was suggested that Claude was effeminate. I didn't find him so. Was it his appearance, him being attractive, the reason for him being called that? Also, why would he knee a paying customer, Clovis, in the groin simply because he laughed at Claude ever being a married man?

I think you need to keep Chapters 3 & 4 as they are. A reread will be enough to find what words need to be put in and which ones should be removed, it's just small cosmetic changes. For Chaps 1 & 2, I think you should go back and explain things more thoroughly.

I like the storyline and Claude himself. I'm pretty worried about him actually and think he's gotten a pretty raw deal from life. Plus, it seems that he's going to seriously tick off Guy with his disrespectful attitude. I can't blame him, but he is lacking skills in the self preservation department. Please keep going, though, because I want to see what happens with him.

Hmm. This is interesting. Some of the phrasing is brilliant, while other samples seem to have an errant word for accompaniment. The story is interesting. I would want to do some proof reading, because I think you have something good here, but the little snags catch me midway through reading phrases and take me away from the story.

Please give it a good re-read and one more edit: it's too good to suffer from these little technical glitches.

An example, so you know what I mean:

And an iron gate through which a mule trotted in dragging a cart...

the "in" doesn't belong there

Make sense?

Good luck, I love the flow of your writing and turn of phrase (excepting those unwanted extras!)

I have no idea why this has dropped below 4 stars, in the handful of days I've been on this site I've read a lot of drivel, but this, this is fresh, this is fun, it's lighthearted, it's unique - I love it!!

I never really review editing on books, I noticed a few misplaced or missing duo stops, t this was a nicely paced read. I actually found myself strangely attracted to Guy ... Which I shouldn't be, I know that. .. But I was ...hmmm...

I've noted this for my bad, I'm going to back it, because it's wonderful in every way.

Hi Olefish

Apologies for the delay in the return read.

OK, you pitch is interesting. Wondering if the use of the word ‘whore’ is a little strong as in it may put readers off? It’s generally used to describe women, so find the idea of a male prostitute being called a whore an interesting one, but maybe that’s just me. Otherwise, nice pitch.

I’ve found some of your sentences quite hard to read and had to go back to them to understand what you mean. An example is ‘the bard sang livelier odes not dirges of repentence...’ I don’t know if this is because it’s going to be heavy lit fic but I had no idea what you meant.

The pace is quick...very quick. I feel like I want it to slow down just a touch and feel whats going on.

Your dialogue is good, no problems there, but at the end of the 3rd chapter I’m struggling to feel anything for Claude. Slowing the pace down a bit and delving into him a touch more may make me begin to feel something for him.

Silva

Had a read through some of the story this morning but didn't have time to comment before work. As a writer who tackles contemporary themes and issues in an equally contemporary setting, I find the backdrop to this story fascinating and enlightening. Your scene-setting skills are more than competent and I have very clear pictures of your descriptions in my mind. Criticisms (constructive) have largely been covered below - attention to punctuation and the occasionally off sentence caught my eye, although they didn't detract from the read :)

Overall, nice work. Give it a proofread I reckon, to tune up a few bits here and there, but otherwise excellent.

TJB

I finished all you have posted. You writing really shines when you are simply telling the story. There were a few times where I was deep in the story and an odd bit of phrasing would take me out -- for example "sleep competed with regret over his new life" I knew what it meant, it just seemed a complicated way to say it.
I like the developing story of Claude and Guy although Claude switching from fear to indignant to whatever other emotion so quickly was not always believable. The best example for this was the last scene where it seems he should be frightened then stomps out and begins working in the garden and quickly quips about Guy's prowess as a lover.
Very rarely do I come back on multiple occasions to someone's work on here, but the story held my attention which is a testament to your abilities.
Highly starred
Best
Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

Ooh, I just love this period in history. The opening chapter paints a vivid historical picture. The setting is colourful and lusty.

You might want to have a think about your opening sentence – allegedly one of the most important sentences in the book. Currently, it reads more like a text book than a novel. Maybe begin at paragraph two and show the time and place of your story as a sub-heading to the chapter?

You might also want to do a punctuation edit – it’s not quite as I would expect to find it, particularly the use of commas.

Should “You are bitch ever in heat” read like that? You are a bitch?

This looks like it could be an exciting and raunchy story. Good luck with it.


J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon