NEEDS , WANTS & DESIRES

This book has undeniable potential – I’ve known it ever since it appeared on Authonomy. Raman has a great idea for a book and he progresses with it incredibly fast. The plot is compelling and the characters are fleshed out well – each is unique and relevant to the story. There are mind-boggling twists and turns here too. I hope you’ll keep going the same incredible way, Raman, and get more and more support for your book.

Sincerely Yours,
Ivan Amberlake

Hello Raman, the story seems full of potential and I have added it to my shelf. I feel you will make a better first impact on the reader if you start off with a punch line. Maybe, something on the lines of this one,

"Marrying a drug-lord for the sake of money was always going to prove tricky; And it did for Mrigya"

I will read the story further and get back.

Mrigya is in huge debt because of the loans her father took out to help her become a doctor. But he died. But she was able to become a doctor which isn’t what she expected with the amount she earns, comparing it do an out of date prostitute.

I felt soo bad for her when she said she was 31 and she never had a boyfriend. I think that line made me just fall in love with her. And THAT was the hook for me. That was where I said I have to keep reading to find about more about her. I always find it funny that when you like a character everything that is written comes off the pages much better than if you didn’t.

And then you go to a different story about a guy named Pratap, leader of a gang. And So with Pratap and Ajay in this new story I was wondering if it was going to be linked to the end of Mrigya’s part and it was and was so happy because I wanted to see more of her. She is your star. 6 stars so you know. And I can’t wait to read more. I don’t read more than the first chapter because I have to catch up with other, no matter how good the first chapter is like yours. But I will come back when I’m done with the others. I can’t back you right now because I want to give the ones on my shelf a little more time.

I backed this based on the wonderful potential I see. Your pitch is so exciting (although could benefit from being broken up a little to offer more punch). It’s the type of story you could easily envisage being made into a gripping movie.

I found the opening a little slow. Too much back story for my liking. I don’t mind backstory but I want to settle into a book before I get so much of it pulling me back out of the current story. I understand your set up, and it’s really good, but maybe breaking it up a little and feeding the back story more gradual throughout a few opening chapters would leave scope to grip the reader more quickly.

Your dialogue is excellent. You capture the art of conversation very well and I could really imagine your characters talking. The conversation between Mrigya and her mother was especially true to life and really good.

For such a heavy premise I like your light voice. It makes the story very readable and enjoyable.

I hope some of what I said makes sense, I do love this story and I think with some editing it could be really great and very entertaining.

Best wishes,
Janny

I like the idea for your book. My one comment is that I wasn't hooked right away. I remember reading somewhere on Authonomy that if you aren't hooked by the first 3 paragraphs you are into the slush pile. I'd like to see the story start closer to the actual conflict in the story(This is something I'm working on in my story as well). This may be something you've already thought about though...so take my advice with a grain of salt. I am by no means an expert. I did enjoy the dialogue though. I thought that the story was well paced in general, and by the end of Chapter 1, I wanted to know what would happen next. Although, part of this is due to your pitch which I think is well done too! If you ever want me to look over anything specific just let me know. Best of luck with your book!

Ashley
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket"

I have reviewed the previous chapter before and I hope you haven't made any major changes except the grammar/typos issues. But, if you have made any major changes to any of the previous chapters then you can ask me to review them again my stating the chapter name.
So this is only the review for the last chapter. First thing I would like to say is that I normally don't read a book on Authonomy till the very end but I did read your's so definitely I like it. Now coming on the topic. I never saw this end coming. If I was asked by anyone that how this book would end then I would have said that Pratab would have died in an encounter, or he would have fled with Mrijya in a new city and lived a happy life. But this is what is unique about your writing. None of them happened. And very frankly I don't know about others but, I loved the end. One last advise never think your work is perfect until the day it gets published. Take all the advices very seriously but, only make changes if you think it's important.

Very happy to support this book.
Backed.

Evigo

I Am Immortal.

Ok, I will start with the story line. Since you like Khushwant Singh's work I will say that your and his writing style is a lot alike. I loved the story line. The first chapter was very impressive. But you used a lot abusive words in second chapter which I felt were unnecessary try to edit them out. But second was good too. The third chapter also had words like that, and you also used hindi words like "yaar" "kam bola kar" maybe you should'nt have used them.
You don't have a clear end of your story maybe you want to write a second part. But the end is good. Overall I think you need to polish your work more. Create more emotions. Make it more real. But the story line is good.
In future if you do major editing then I will be happy to return and read again.
Highly rated.
Best of luck.

Evigo

I Am Immortal.

NEEDS, WANTS & Desires is about one of those marriages which the couple entered for the wrong reasons. I felt great sympathy for Mrigya as I read about her history and wished she could have known what she was getting herself into when she married Pratap. This story is chilling in how naive she is about her new husband who is a dangerous character someone should have warned her about. This is the sort of thriller which has a character the reader can empathize with and I like her very much. I despise her husband and feel terrible that any innocent person could become involved with someone so evil without knowing about it until it's too late. If there were ever a case made for long engagements in a work of fiction, the reader has found it here.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Chapter one. First off, I think you have a good story here, but the first chapter doesn't do the job of pulling your readers in. It has great potential. I would suggest toning down the backstory just a bit and focusing on the action. I would start with the Pratap falling in front of her in the first paragraph and her quickly going to him. i would suggest making it a crazy, confusing scene and as close to what would happen in real life in that situation. Siren's blaring, lights flashing, people chatting loudly. Just a few suggestions.
Your pitch needs to be tweaked a bit and you shoudl take out the all caps in your short pitch. Remember that is all that can be seen in most parts of the site and it kind of repels readers. You could try: The heart wants what the heart wants, even if its illegal. Or perhaps you could come up with something better.
I really like your plot. I think you will find plenty of readers. Just remember your kind of fishing and you have to use the right bait. I hope this helps.
Jennie Lyne Hiott
Hearts and Lies

your story looks a little cliched but then each teller has a different way of telling a story. and I certainly like the way you have written this one. It is easy , light and very breezy. The dialogue between Mrigya and her mother was so true. Even my own mother talks that way. If it ever gets published , then it would make a great company while travelling .
Great work

"cleared her 12th" What does this mean? Finished 12th grade? You use "stuff" like UK but the name Mrigya has a consonant cluster like Msemangu. Zulu or Swahili? I'm guessing. Thus this is Southern Africa and you are not a native english speaker. "steel-utensils" gives it away. First of all, let me give you a belated congratulations for writing this. If I wrote in Spanish it would be a failure!
"Young doctors were like old prostitutes: hardly generating any income." That is awesome! May I use this line in the future somewhere? That has to come from local vernacular and translated for us.
"You want to make pickles of my family"- regional slang term. Is there a translation? My curiousity.
"godown"- market center, police station, gang headquarters? Hallway?
Ok, you have stated you know about the grammer so I won't waste time. You want reaction. I like this begining and I think it is important to keep the local flavor of syntax. As a reader we get a bonus if we are entertained by story and learn about somewhere far away. Sometimes this causes trouble, immigrants think the USA is some sort of "Magical Kingdom where everyone eats icecream and does nothing all day". As my Phillipina mother-in-law used to say, "I came here and everything was bill! Bill for rent, bill for water, bill for doctor, bill, bill, bill! You don't pay they bill they send you to jail. Can't do anything but work! Happiness IS BILL!" I told her that American citizens are so protected because the government and industry got smart and use us as tax mules. Just healthy enough and just happy enough to go to work. Interfere with a tax mule going to work and...well...just ask Saddam if it was a good idea to interrupt oil flow in the middle east.

Try this pitch

Pratap, a land mafia drug-lord, collapses mysteriously during a post-dinner walk. He opens his eyes in a hospital and meets Mrigya, the doctor who has given him first aid. Despite a twenty year age gap, he falls in love with her and within a few days they are married.

The happiness is short-lived. Five months later, the police contact his wife and promise she won’t be put on trial if she can ensure he’s handed over.

Mrigya married quickly; not for love but for wealth to help pay off her dead father's loan. What should Mrigya choose – protecting her golden-egg laying husband or keeping on the right side of the law?
Meanwhile, Pratap’s right hand man is hatching a plot to take his power and his wealth.

I like the concept of the Pratap character. Try to do a little more “telling” about his personality. Instead of just describing how he is, show him acting in those situations.

I don’t like writing in all caps. The drama of those sentences is enough without that.

When you say Pratap is “half way down the down” what do you mean?

I like how the plot unfolds, where you tie the introduction to Pratap falling.

I’m not clear on why Mrigya likes him. Why does she feel an instant connection, especially after she finds out he is a drug lord?

You are aware of the grammar issues so I won’t needle you on them. Just be sure to correct them as best you can. That includes capitalization and spelling out smaller numbers.

There is great promise here. Work to correct your grammar and try to make the love connection feel more natural. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Hi Raman! I read chapter 3 and have to admit this book is getting more and more interesting. I love Pratap's nervousness and tension about Mrigya not being around him. Then she reappears and that makes me smile. I was sorry for Pratap when he told Mrigya about his past, about his wife and children being killed. Then you have a very well written romantic scene, and a bit later Pratap proposes to Mrigya. That's all very exciting. Now I want to read a bit more and when I do I'll sure leave my comment.

Kindest regards,
Ivan

wow!! really nice .. wonder y u dint get it published .. Grammar is wrong at some places but that can always be corrected .. but the story is really nice and drives my interst to read further

wow!! really nice .. wonder y u dint get it published .. Grammar is wrong at some places but that can always be corrected .. but the story is really nice and drives my interst to read further

wow!! really nice .. wonder y u dint get it published .. Grammar is wrong at some places but that can always be corrected .. but the story is really nice and drives my interst to read further

Hi Raman

There are some with editing issues with your work as indicated in earlier comments, so these need to be addressed. That said, I shall attempt to give you an overview.
It is clear that you are a natural story teller, and that you have an understanding of the characters and the plot, however more grammatical clarity and editing would enhance the flow of the story considerably. You have a keen visual style, and have created a whole worls of interacting characters, which is not an easy thing to do -so well done!

Wishing you well with your writing,

Steve

Raman,

Keep going... what you have here is the making of something good. You have an excellent sense of your characters and they definitely have a life of their own!

Raman, I read chapter 2 and liked it. Especially the way Pratap wakes up and sees Mrigya and falls for her. You also give vivid characterization of Ajay at the end of the chapter - that is also a point in favour of you. I hope to keep reading your book and commenting on the chapters.

Best regards,
Ivan

Well, I guess the story is interesting and yes you easily grasp your reader into your story. All you need to consider is to start editing the story chapter by chapter, sentence by sentence. Here are plenty of people who will comment and help you but start to repair all suggestions immediately. If a sentence does not make sence re-read it aloud. Story is good, now concentrate on the grammar to excel. Good luck. Fully rated = six stars. Don't forget to rate peoples bookswhen you read them, it helps them to go up the ladder.

Hi,

Okay I got around to looking at your work. As you've asked for feedback based on the story rather than the writing I'll try and focus on that, but the two are symbiotic in their relationship so I can't stick solely to one or the other.

The story is an interesting premise. You know what you want to tell and I think you've a good idea of how it all pans out in your mind. But unfortunately it doesn't come out in the writing the way it should. The first two chapters are full of intriguing plot points but because the narrative is rushed and the dialogue is unrealistic it comes across as a jumbled mess. With plenty of practice you can improve and eventually the first two chapters could easily pan out over about 5 or 6 and the reader would happily carry on, as like I say the actual story and its ideas are sound. Keep reading, keep writing and it'll improve day by day.

I hope this has been of some help to you.

D M Sharples.

Hi,

Okay I got around to looking at your work. As you've asked for feedback based on the story rather than the writing I'll try and focus on that, but the two are symbiotic in their relationship so I can't stick solely to one or the other.

The story is an interesting premise. You know what you want to tell and I think you've a good idea of how it all pans out in your mind. But unfortunately it doesn't come out in the writing the way it should. The first two chapters are full of intriguing plot points but because the narrative is rushed and the dialogue is unrealistic it comes across as a jumbled mess. With plenty of practice you can improve and eventually the first two chapters could easily pan out over about 5 or 6 and the reader would happily carry on, as like I say the actual story and its ideas are sound. Keep reading, keep writing and it'll improve day by day.

I hope this has been of some help to you.

D M Sharples.

I've read Chapters 1 and 2. Needless to say you need to so some serious editing. For example, each sentence should start with a capital letter e.g. C not c, F not f.

Chapter 1
This really needs some work. There is a great deal of Telling not Showing. When you Tell the reader what is happening, it has less impact, becomes less intriguing, and creates disinterest in the story. It is best to Show the reader, through good dialogue, and allowing the reader to read between the lines of what is happening. Holding back on some information causes intrigue. Telling everything like small children do, makes the reading boring. Just saying!

Mrigya, receives the news of the death of her father. You Tell us that. Why should I read on? I don't know who he is, and he is of no interest to me, because you haven't even introduced him to the story properly. I have no connection with him. He doesn't yet have a personality, so the reader doesn't yet care. As a writer, you have to make the reader care about your characters.

The paragraph which begins - "Mrigya did become a doctor .....at 31 she never even had a boyfriend. If that is important enough to be in Chapter 1, you maybe should allow us to work it out ourselves. That way we are involved in the story. Instead of Telling us that, upfront, maybe you could have some scenario where Myrgya is demonstrating that. Maybe she refuses offers for dinner with handsome young men, or she is so engrossed in her studies... but you should Show us that.

Once again, every time something horrific happens, you tell us upfront!
"Kill a policeman". ....Once again, why should I read on? It would be better if you led us into an intriguing scene where he did kill a policeman.

Chapter 2
A really nice beginning! Wow that is some difference.
But you should watch your capitals. Every sentence must start with a capital letter.
Also, don't press the space bar before a comma, {as in ,}.

Mrigya tells of her father's suicide. That is really good. But we already know that from the first chapter. Don't tell it twice. I would remove all the detail from Chapter 1, so that the reader finds out in Chapter 2 how he died.

There are more editing errors here e.g. " hey tiger .... (speech marks wrong way round)

On balance, I think that Chapter 2 starts much better, and I would consider that as a starting point to your book instead. If you keep Chapter 1, you should consider really fixing it so that it is as good as possible. Intrigue the reader, fix all editing errors, Show, don't Tell the reader.

One last thing. There is no need for capitals in whole sentences. That amounts to shouting. No need to shout. Use powerful words instead.

I hope this has been useful. Please remember that I am only one person. You don't have to take on board what I say. My comments are as a reader, not a reviewer.

One more thing ....Dialogue is a brilliant way to show what characters are like, their personalities, their views, how the plot is unfolding. Your dialogue is a little empty. And that is a waste to have them say things like "No", "Family". etc.

Hope this is useful
Best of Luck!
Marilyn

Raman, to hook a person into reading your book you need to work a bit with your pitch. If you have that edited and perfected you may count on people wanting to read the book. To tell you the truth, I rarely read pitches in authonomy till the end, sometimes I don’t read them at all, because I want to find out what the book is about from Chapter 1 and the chapters that follow. There are, unfortunately, people who do judge books here by their pitches, so I’d recommend you to improve it.

Ok, now to chapter 1.
Well, you see, your chapter opens in a great way and you manage to grip me with the opening sentences – the descriptions are ok and are easy to visualize, I wish to know more about Mrigya. Who is she? Well, I’m not sure if you know it but passivity is frowned upon in authonomy – that is the sentences with ‘was’ are passive and they would be better if you turn them active, for example, “Tonight, she was regretting this decision.” would be better as “Tonight, she regretted this decision.” I tell you this because I was criticized on a large scale for passivity.
I feel sorry for Mrigya, for she faces her father’s death.
You describe vividly the conflict between Ajay and Pratap. That appeals to me. I think that with editing and a bit of effort your book can shine.

I hope that I was not too harsh. Good luck to you with your book, Raman.
Ivan Amberlake

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. Interesting characters. Could use more description. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Just 2 men walking a distance in front of her, ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where numbers should be spelled out.
2) 'He had not returned from from his factory the night before.' Delete one of the 'froms.'
3) 'When Pratap first met ajay, ... ' Capitalize 'ajay.' There is another case where 'ajay' should be capitalized.
4) "are you going to watch me or ... " Capitalize 'are.'
5) "I am not a model". The period goes inside the closing quote mark. There are more cases where the period is outside the closing quote mark when it should be inside.
6) "why did u kill that cop?" Capitalize 'why.' There are more cases where the first word of dialogue is in lowercase when it should be capitalized. Also, 'u' should be 'you.' Finally, delete the period.
7) ' ... put his hand on his on Ajay's shoulder and walked out of the room.' Delete 'on his.'
8) "NEVER EVER come into my office without permission" boomed Pratap's voice ... Comma after 'permission.'
9) 'He looked arounfd for some assistance.' 'Arounfd' should be 'around.'

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for reading "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al

Hi Ramanchoudhry,

First, let me explain what a pitch is. It's the description of your book that you write to encourage people to read it.

I think it's possible that English is not your first language. Because of that, there are many grammatical errors in your work. It's hard for readers to get past that and get involved in the story.

I did read the story, and I found it interesting, although there were a couple of things that didn't seem believable to me. The father's suicide, with all the blood, goes unnoticed by several people. And the doctor's interested in the drug lord didn't seem very believable to me either.

Just my thoughts. Maybe you could get someone to help with some editing.

I do hope you'll consider backing Animal Cracker. I could use your support for the next few days.

Best regards,
Andi Brown
Animal Cracker

nice story telling, I read chapter 1. I'm sure it would be a happy ending for the widow and her daughter. Keep up the good work!

Based on your pitch, I'm not interested in reading further. There are grammatical issues, and if you want readers, it would be a good idea to work on the pitch, and fix the grammar. This is the first thing a reader sees.

thnax for your help :-) ...but whats a pitch ???

Based on your pitch, I'm not interested in reading further. There are grammatical issues, and if you want readers, it would be a good idea to work on the pitch, and fix the grammar. This is the first thing a reader sees.

thnax for your help :-) ...but whats a pitch ???

Based on your pitch, I'm not interested in reading further. There are grammatical issues, and if you want readers, it would be a good idea to work on the pitch, and fix the grammar. This is the first thing a reader sees.

thnax for your help :-) ...but whats a pitch ???

Based on your pitch, I'm not interested in reading further. There are grammatical issues, and if you want readers, it would be a good idea to work on the pitch, and fix the grammar. This is the first thing a reader sees.