Pinocchio

So I've read 27 chapters. That says a lot in itself - there have been very few books on this site that have made me so intrigued that I've actually wanted to read past the first few chapters, so it should go without saying that this is pretty gripping. The opening sets up its questions so skilfully that I simply had to have answers.

It wasn't the erotic stuff that kept me going, but the sci-fi element and the questions it raises. I'm no sci-fi geek in the traditional sense, but any intelligently-written story featuring characters who are not entirely human somehow (androids, clones, hybrids) and thus raising questions about what it means to be human, interest me greatly. So compelling is this aspect of 'Pinocchio' in fact that I found myself getting impatient with the sex scenes and desperate to learn more about "yiffies" and the asteroid and Pinocchio's story in particular.

Don't get me wrong, the sex scenes are written well written and not too repetitive, but in this sci-fi/erotica crossover, things seem to be weighted too far in erotica's favour for my liking.

A specific example: when Surrey arrives at the Lake House in Chapter 27 and the stay, as he puts it, "degenerates so quickly into debauchery" I was disappointed that the reader's first proper encounter with Pinocchio had to be so immediately sexual when it felt like high time I was being rewarded with information about the character's history and personality. So far the character has come across as little more than the fetishised sexual being that his "owners" believe him to be and therefore it is difficult to invest in his plight emotionally as we do with Surrey and, to an extent, Jared.
(I also find it rather disturbing that the characters are conducting a threesome in front of Surrey's infant son. Surely Surrey would want him out of the room for both moral and erotic reasons?)

I think you should hint at the sci-fi context of this world (the clones, aliens and yiffies) nearer the beginning of the story and establish it as something not limited to the underground sex industry. Perhaps Surrey could see something to do with yiffies that isn't related to the Pinocchio case on the news while he's in hospital, just to inform and orientate the reader.

I imagine publishers would be wary of this because the combination of sci-fi and gay erotica will appeal to a very niche audience, but that's a shame because for that audience it is perfect! As far as I'm concerned, taking so many different elements - in this case, archetypal fairytales, science fiction tropes, sexual experience - and melding them together into a story no one else could have come up with, is exactly what the imagination is for! Your use of the fairytale as inspiration for an erotic premise is compelling and actually very Freudian. I highly recommend that you read Angela Carter's collection of fairytale re-tellings, 'The Bloody Chamber'. Carter explores the psychosexual subtext of stories like Little Red Riding Hood and Snow White and the result is a delicious read.

Something else I liked was the way the complexity of Surrey's simultaneous feelings for Elena, Jared and Pinocchio is very nicely portrayed. You manage to convey the fact that he loves them all equally, but that there are different kinds of love.

I have a couple of specific notes to finish off with:
In an early chapter both Elena's hair and eyes are described as like some sort of sky, which does no justice to your capacity for description.
"I expected her to storm out because she didn't want to be near someone so perverted." At first I thought Surrey meant his wife knew what he had been doing, which can't have been right, so I was confused. If you mean to say she'd find him perverted for telling her bluntly that he wanted her then that isn't very believable. Surely passion and variety in a marriage are a good thing!
"sometimes I wondered how real her love had been for either of us or if it had simply been more plastic in the dollhouse of her life." I absolutely loved this observation.

All in all, this story is extremely gripping, totally unique and full of potential. I'm sure my curiosity will bring me back for the rest soon enough. High stars.

Rachel
The Diver's Brilliant Bow

Hi Rebecca
Wow...Pinocchio, quite an experience. For an author to portray this subject matter with such intrigue and be able to maintain the eroticism and titillation is a special talent - something you have in abundance.
Congratulations.

This is clever and very well written. I agree with some of the issues raised by others here (it should be listed as gay, not science fiction) but this is an outstanding work, sensitive and superbly worked out as well as, well, arousing in many places. I like it very much.

Hi Rebecca,

I read 1-9. The writing is haunting and from the start there are plenty of hints of what is to follow. There is a rift in intensity from the earlier chapters to the reminiscence part, as the beginning is so misty and flat, whereas the memories are so hot and energising.

Your descriptions fit the subject, and they come across as very erotic and enticing. Not everyone's cup of tea, but as a fiercely heterosexual person myself, I was surprised that I didn't find any of it offensive. I think it's the honesty and total devotion of the MC which makes this story convincing and real.
What impressed me was the fact that you didn't slip into an atmosphere of just basic porn, but managed to keep an erotic perspective throughout the scenes. One thing - why did they bother with the condom?

It might be an idea to additionally highlight the gay-subject in your pitch. But then, I might have missed out reading it due to prejudices on my part. Best wishes.

Ame
Wolfmother

Wellllllll… Mixed reactions, mostly stemming from my assumption I was reading straight erotica and belatedly realised it was gay. It's undoubtedly hot for the right audience, but I can't help wish you'd write a straight version with Jared a female partner. But well done and I'm backing you.

My long overdue promised read from the I'm Looking... thread.

Well, Rebecca, I was reading along very delightfully, making notes on the most powerful and vivid imagery depicted by your word choices and phrasing. Some are really quite brilliant; rat like nurse, ...to look at me with any more warmth than one gives a mosquito before smacking it, perched like angry cats on rolling carts. A Beagle puppy which has pooped on a freshly cleaned rug, her hair was the night’s sky, and her face was the moon.

And then we got to chapter seven and all I could think about was ‘where is the baby? Did he just go out and leave it alone?’ Then there was chapter eight, I was certainly was taken out of my comfort zone on that one. Unfortunately, for me, your graphic imagery also came into full play again, and I had to quit reading.

As a writer you are brilliant, your dialogue is strong and natural, character development is right on and the read is a perfect pace. I just have a problem with the subject matter in chapter eight and don’t think this is for me. I recognize the value of your exceptional talent to this genre and wish you the best of luck. High stars for your writing.

I read chapter 1 - 3. I enjoy the lyrical opening. You have a way with words. The mystery keeps me going. Great stuff.

Christine

Rebecca,
I read chapter one. All I can say is this is some very interesting stuff. Keep writing!
Sara

From Red Heron:

I read "erotic science fiction" and knew I had to bite. I absolutely agree with moderan, this is fun stuff! The first part did an great job of hooking me in.

From Moderan:

Great stuff. Tons of fun. I don't have any nits to speak of. I read the stuff before but don't really have any bon mots. I've been told about this stuff so many times that I almost feel as if I've read it. Is better to actually have it to read though.

from Chris Miller:

Made me think of Kafka a little for how it all seems to be a metaphor. (I also remember now your penchant for promoting innocuous children's toys into monsters.) A number of times he says he remembers things, but no specific memory is ever then shared, like his memories are irrelevant to the story. So, at the end, when he says he remembers "everything" I assume that's all we're getting. I got caught up in this strange (mental) illness sweeping the land that's causing mayhem, murder and suicide, and how it's somehow linked to a little wooden puppet whose lies are reflected immediately in its facial features. Connections flirt with our increasingly dishonest and secretive government. Nothing remotely erotic in this section for me. Even if male gay porn and some dude guiltily masturbating were arousing to me, it's all kind of (mercifully) under-described. This isn't criticism, just observation. Just can't shake the feeling that this is saying something about the current state of the world as it swirls down the drain.

From eggo:

The writing was pretty good. You’re right about the unevenness although, the styling seemed to go up and down.

The subject matter was wholly un-frightening to me. The idea that I was ‘sick ‘and made gay is sort of silly. I’m not gay, but if I was , no big deal. I have two sons and if one of them decides he’s gay, no big deal. So what builds great tension, is kind of lost in translation. I kind of thought when he went into the room to masturbate his dick would get incredibly big (Pinocchio).


But this is no knock on your writing. As uneven as this was, it was still good, solid writing that held me until the end.


Pete

From ppsage:

Hi seigfried... I read through all that's posted here and skimmed some of the link. Not totally sure how they fit together, the transition was slightly bumpy for me. The voice seemed quite different. In the part here, the narrator seems in the moment but there he seemed to be reminiscing sometimes, as if the story was in the past? I must confess though, I have not read that part carefully at all yet.

Sticking with what is posted here, I find a well developed and interesting story, which is possibly much too homogenous. This is one of the drawbacks of first person narration, especially in real time. All the details happen at the same level of perspective, any level of overview is difficult. Settings become very static and limited. Some progress combating this is made by the doctor, but too little I think. It seems to me that the story is crying out for a way to introduce some broader brushwork.

The part at the link is Book 2 I believe and seems livelier to me.

Maybe this first part would benefit from re-imagining in third person. Not necessarily re-written that way, but with consideration given to the perspectives which third person pov would enable. I understand that there is probably an effort to reproduce in the text some of the limitation of amnesia and strapped-down hospitalization. Maybe I'm finding that too successful. This seems to me a good story with plenty of meat on its bones, this first part of which needs a good shaking out. In appreciation, pp..

From Bazz Cargo

Not my usual reading material, but it kept me going to the end. I can't find anything that needs improving so it is a boring 'I enjoyed that.'

Bazz

This was from Gasher:

You have a talent for detail, and have obviously taken great care in crafting the sex scenes so that they storm the reader and immerse him/her fully in the heat of it. The descriptions of sex are lurid without being grotesque or offensive. Word choice, I have to imagine, is critical here. I also have to imagine the temptation to incorporate slang into the graphic descriptions to better convey emotion is also present. I appreciated that abstained from that.


I think a lot of what sells sex, both in movies and in writing, is the context. Ok, maybe that's stating the obvious, but whatever it needs to be said. I've read amateur erotica before and it tends to be very much over-obsessed with the act of sex itself rather than the people involved. Sure, it still probably has an audience, people looking for quick fixes, and I have no qualm with that. Different strokes for different folks. But personally I get bored with that kind of thing. I think part of it stems from being a writer, and knowing how hard it actually is to convey real, believable characters progressing logically through emotionally complex situations. Sex can be very emotionally complex, and there's a ton of factors that go into that. So I guess when I see sex taken at face value, it feels to me like a creative cop-out.


Anyway, I'm digressing, what I do want to say is I appreciated the attention you paid to your characters and to their back story. The detail you gave to the sex scenes also extended to the sterile hospital scenes and the awkward family reunion, and that shows your discipline as a writer. I can relate to this, for example, when I'm writing horror. I am always eager to start writing about the spookiness and the macabre. But being a big Stephen King fan, I know how much payoff can be achieved from a long, exhaustive build-up. Rushing to the climax usually results in shallow stories. The old adage "patience is a virtue" is never so true as in writing.


Now for some crits. I agree with whoever said the first person perspective in the hospital scene made the story feel cramped. It worked in helping us related to the character and his state of amnesia, but the tests and the whole "big brother" vibe began to feel contrived and I was wondering when the story was going to change scenery. Also problematic for me here was that I couldn't get a strong sense of the tone. Obviously in RL a doctor couldn't keep you at a hospital against your will, unless we're talking about an asylum or something. So I took that to mean the story wanted to paint a kind of surreal world. Someone else mentioned Kafka and I can see the similarities between the perplexed MC here and Gregor in the Metamorphosis. But then your descriptions surrounding the awkward family reunion seemed to bring the story back down to earth, as though you wanted it to be taken as more of a believable drama. For me it lands somewhere in the middle. It has the atmosphere of a David Lynch film, where wacky things can just happen, like the MC's army friend showing up out of nowhere and inviting him out for a night on the town. This was another road block in the believability department--would he really have gone on such a whim, and at the very least not have called his about-to-be-fiance to confirm?


I like the journey we get to go on with Jared but his character is too divisive to be believable. He confesses his love for Surrey after being a stranger for years and then fails to comprehend Surrey's hesitation. People don't change overnight, and love is a complex beast. Yet Jared's character seems to fly in the face of all of that. Just do it, he screams at the reader, like the Nike commericals. It comes across as melodramatic and day-time soapish. Missing are the shades of gray, the uncertainties that pervade human feeling. But that's not to say you haven't given it a valiant effort.

Hmm...didn't get to the erotic stuff yet, but you've obviously got a very honed and immediate narrative voice due to all the books you've written. I found the opening uniquely captivating, sort of like "A Clockwork Orange"--situationally, if not linguistically. I read up to "Book II."

This looks like it's well-written and gripping enough to be published by its sheer style, but I assume they'd be wary of its bizarre narrative direction. The feeble-mindedness of corporate evaluation committees elegantly mirrors the public's own feeble-minded imagination. It's the formula international corporatism and marketing implicitly relies upon. If you write a straightforward "erotic" novel for women, some editor might publish it just because "50 Shades of Grey" book. They're closer to Hollywood logic in publishing ("Battleship!", like "Transformers!") than your Shakespeare Professor.

Still, it's very rare I'm compelled to keep reading, even with relatively well-written stuff.

Well what can I say! I actually found commenting on your book a little hard and have retyped this comment many times before posting it. Part of me didn't want to enjoy the sex scene in the nightclub but I did! Your style of writing and descriptive nature draws readers in regardless of the subject matter. I can only describe your book as one of those guilty pleasures we all need once in a while. It reminded me of the days when I would read Black Lace but hid the book under the cover of another on my train journey to work! I have kept in on my WL and will continue to read, not from a review point of view, simply because it is a good book and I want to finish it.

Love the opening.
In terms of constructive feedback: not sure that "to love him is death" needs to be said twice in the opening.
Also, a little more of a desription than "ratlike" would be better for the nurse. I would suggest getting a little more detailed, like describe the beady eyes and pointed nose. etc. Although, I think that you could get away with that description as sort of an abbreviation the second time we see her. (just a little nit pick: I would suggest using a dash in between rat and like.) Hope that helps.
I love how chapter 3 ends. Super weird and mysterious. It leaves the reader wanting to know more. Also, good dialogue too.
So super high stars for Pinnocio!!!

-Trenor
THE LORDS OF INVENTION

Read up to chapter four, although three was a repeat of two. I love chapter one and I am intrigued as to where this is going. Its an interesting story and I look forward to reading more.

I couldn't reply to your message, so I just wanted to stop by and say thank you for the welcome. I'm up to chapter 3 of Pinocchio and I look forward to reading more. Best wishes, Michael

Wow, you talk of such characters and describe them so well throughout this book. You tell a great story and sell it so well to the reader. You show such a passion for this tale and have a talent for writing that is rarely found yet you dont back your own book up. I cannot believe that you have left it on the site with no support at all. I think you have a good book here and I enjoyed it. Good luck.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R). Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Thank you Rebecca - i was in need of some erotica... i think this was recommended to me somewhere along the line and i'm glad i finally got a chance to sit and read through it.

too creative indeed :) - i find the best erotica (personally) - have an interesting story as well, sure the sex is good, but i want to feel something for the characters beyond 'the bedroom' and you've done just that.

high stars and i'll keep you on my WL, please let me know where there is more to read :)

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Sorry, forgot to add, I hope you manage to work this into the full length novel it deserves to be. There's loads of scope to work with yet, so I'd be intrigued to read the finished item.

Wow! I started this when I came across it by accident (no pun intended) and I just had to read all you had posted. The whole lot! Sexy, erotic, supernatural and absolutely believeable. I don't have much to compare with but what I can say is that the sex scenes were not jarring to me at all and had me hooked. You manage to blend the emotional with the kinky which I imagine is very difficult to accomplish and I felt extremely sorry for Pinocchio. I won't spoil the last bit by commenting on it, but really, really well done.

Another note after reading more: I was subconsciously picturing myself in it (and enjoying it) from the beginning, but it was kind of jarring in the homosexual scenes. I'm not saying your vision is wrong, only that mine collided with it. Just food for thought. All the best!

You hooked me in the chapter 1 poem. God, that's got me creaming. I'm off to read the rest.

Rebecca has to be one of the most expressive, most sensuous writers I've ever read. Two 'most' superlatives in one sentence and I haven't scratched the surface. Her opening poem may be one of the most erotic pieces written in these modern times. She's a poetess first and prose writer second, and I'm envious.

It's unfair to review Pinocchio as a finished product and indeed she tells us it's experimental. For me, it would work as a straight erotic fairy tale, but whatever Rebecca does with it, I'm sure it will be moving, loving, and tender.

I back this and if the author finishes this sexy, poetic pastry, I'll be back to back it again. Highest marks for originality and sensuality. I love it.

Since you ask, I think you try to stuff too much in a single novella (or novel). I'm not sure the SF works and the gratuitous gay scenes diminish the, uh, thrust of the story. If you pardon another pun, it's disjointed, but I think you know that which is why you asked. Still, it's a worthwhile project with smooth writing. and I give it backing.

Wonderful writing, and a wild storyline. I can see why you're having trouble working this into sci-fi from the very erotic base you've built, but I wouldn't worry about it. Move on and see how it evolves; adjust afterwards. There's nothing that says it has to be any one way. Yes, this started out with a lot of erotica. But reading on, that part became less what I was seeing, and I was more involved in the sufferings of these men and not-men. By the end of 21, I had almost forgotten there was ever any sex involved. I just wanted to hold someone and comfort them.

I am absolutely in anguish for Pinocchio, and very curious to see how you proceed. I did find a couple of typos - let me know if you'd like to have them messaged.

Interesting. Watchlisted and will read in the days to come. I might even have suggestions on the storyline-problem you are facing.

Most of the problem doesn't become too apparent until the last bits as the story is getting ahead of the sex, though Samuel Z Jones had a neat comment on the ambiguity of David's sex and I'd love to know your opinion on that as well :)

Interesting. Watchlisted and will read in the days to come. I might even have suggestions on the storyline-problem you are facing.

The Voice here is just plain fascinating; exceptionally clear and unique. There's a sexual ambiguity to the characters though; I don't mean that their sexuality is ambiguous, the blurb pretty much sets us up for that. I mean that the PoV character's gender is not at first clear. This is due, I think, partly to the intentional ambiguity, and partly that a woman is writing a male character in first-person. Jared is a clearly masculine character despite that ambiguity; he's seen from the outside. Our PoV hero though "sounds" like a woman; how men act and speak is very clearly drawn, but how men think needs some... re-imagining?

I don't want to imply for a second that it's not great writing; it is. Eroticism is layered into the prose; I'm having a typical "I don't usually read this genre but..." moment, it is very good.

Oh, and Pinocchio is in the public domain; the story pre-dates Disney. The same would apply to Snow White, Cinderella, Aladdin, Beauty & The Beast, etc etc. But not Lilo & Stitch; Disney do indeed own that, and might get upset if their characters appeared in erotica =)

Excellent work. While I'm not a reader of erotica--as I'm sure you'll hear often here, unfortunately--I found the nightclub exchange to be be very well done...tittilating and engrossing, speaking to the sexual nature of us all, helpless to our lusts...willing victims ( I use the term very lightly) as we can be to it.

The choice of the Pinocchio metaphor is brilliant. Truly. I do wonder, however, how far you can take this work before the fine folks at Disney step forward with a battalion of pin-stripped Stormtroopers armed with briefcases hunt you down.

I thought the tongue in cheek "absinithe without leave" sounded a little much (why would a character be such a character as to say that?) until you introduced it as a cocktail at the bar. Then I appreciated the cleveness.

Very nicely done...if not for my aforementioned legal concerns, I would think literature of this quality could go far.

Best,

Eric

Blimey. I can honestly say I've never read anything quite like this before. It's certainly well written, descriptive, evocative. I can't even guess where this stuff comes from - it's like writing out a drug trip. Not that I'd know, I hasten to add - it's like I'd *imagine* a drug trip...

I have no idea where this would sit on a bookshelf. It's almost art rather than just literature, although I did think your opening poem/song went on a bit too long. But I'm intrigued as to where this is going and I just really hope you can keep this up (in a manner of speaking) for a whole novel. I almost don't want to carry on reading in case you lose the scene you've set in the club. It's hauntingly beautiful in its own way.

You might want to mention a bit more up front that your MC is a bloke. I wasn't sure for quite some time and there's no clear indication. The fact that he's making dinner for Elena (presumably female) isn't enough.

I like this. A lot.

The brevity of the descriptive prose is about right as the pace is quick and the story flows well.
Dialogue is very good and realistic.
I like the quirky narrative prose too with excellent similes and metaphors.
The MC comes through nicely and the first three chapters read very well.
The storyline isn't my cup of tea but you write superbly.
Shelved for the excellent writing.

Oo, thanks!

I also love the way David 'writes'--biggest reason the piece went on so long.

I'm (happily) surprised you continued reading that long if the storyline wasn't your cup of tea. Doubly honored :-)

Obviously feel free to skim ahead and avoid all the sex. The storyline might be intriguing and I'm not really worried if the erotica parts are hot enough (seen some terribly written sex scene compilation erotica and I know this can stand with that). Not all of the sex is gay either (about half of the erotica is between David Surrey and Elena).

For great prose without the gay or so much sex, try the Forbidden People. It's a longer, ongoing work. If you can stand the journal format or a female POV, Omi's writing might be up your alley.

The brevity of the descriptive prose is about right as the pace is quick and the story flows well.
Dialogue is very good and realistic.
I like the quirky narrative prose too with excellent similes and metaphors.
The MC comes through nicely and the first three chapters read very well.
The storyline isn't my cup of tea but you write superbly.
Shelved for the excellent writing.

Where to start... hm. Well, I haven't read much erotica really, but I would guess that the pace of the beginning, getting right into the sex, is probably right. I was drawn in pretty quickly. I read through chapter 6 before getting back to work (mucking out the chicken coop. blech). I really didn't get hung up on anything and your writing was pretty well polished. I didn't catch any typos.

You've been busy, writing so many books! 3 uploaded here already, and all really good!

Jen

It usually takes about a day for your cover to show up...

Let me know if I need to alter the format. I'm guessing my cover isn't showing because I've just uploaded it... though I don't remember that happening earlier.