Errol, the dragon

Great short and long pitch, and a very promising story. It has the makings of a classic children's book, with characters children can identify with and plenty to fire the imagination plus the crucial thing every great children's book needs - fun for adults. Best of luck with it.

OMG! This is incredibly neat! You have a gift. It is extremely difficult to have a narrator without it being interuptive, overbearing, or giving away too much. I was going to ask, "Is this children's?" and it is tagged as such. You have a strong grasp on beautiful metaphors. This is well wrought with next to zero grammar errors. I would gladly read this to my kid. Excellent! Six stars. HC would gladly take this I feel.

CHIRG Review
This is a truly lovely beginning told in a wonderfully poetic way.
I thought the description of little Pete was perfect.

There are some great original and fresh analogies here. 'Movement under the blankets like a mole running through a cabbage garden' and 'It would be hard to tell if she was beautiful, usually it seemed to be up to the light.'

A couple of points I wasn't so sure about
'Outside the attic' made me think that that the attic and house were separate at first. Perhaps below the attic?
The sentence beginning 'But on one occasion Mr Flint had pointed out' could be revised for clarity
'coruscated'seems a bit too advanced a word for a children's book - but perhaps that's just me.
The line 'some as they grow' seemed like an unnecessary authorial intrusion that drew me out of the story.
Just my opinion - obviously feel free to ignore.



I think you have a beautiful voice and I found the first chapter of this story captivating. I will star highly and read some more as soon as I have time.

Best wishes
Kirstie
The Girl who ran with the Wolves

CHIRG Review

This story has a wonderful fairy-tale feel to it. The narrator's voice is pitched just right to be read to children.
The tone is engaging and the pace just right for reading out loud.

I like in chap 1 when Mrs Flint says 'the children's height would determine the entrance into the world '

In chapter 2 yiou do not rush the story to tell us about the dragon. You weave a tale so that we taken along with the children in the story. Great description of the dragon, too.

There is a dream-like quality to your writing as things are slightly askew to our own reality. I really like this as it adds depth to your storytelling.

Starring very highly.

I am sure it will do very well and be enjoyed by any children who are fortunate enough to come across it.

Debbie
Spedy McCready

This is lots of fun! I greatly enjoy the voice and flavor of your writing. You've included some great bits here. Finding something mysterious in the water I think would really grab kids. It feels like its written for 6-10 year olds, and for that reason I might go for easier words occasionally (i.e. "alacrity" is a big one). I too struggle with vocabulary right for my readers, so I'm one to talk! I aim for 9-12 year olds. If kids lit appeals to you, I'd greatly appreciate you taking a look at my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi!
What a nice piece of writing this is. I really enjoyed the 'classic' style of writing, which is perfect for this age group and reminds me of some of my favourite children's books. You also have a way with words, creating some very nice imagery. And best of all, I enjoyed your descriptions of the children and the observations you made about each of them.

Dyane

Ana, you are a tender storyteller with a gentle voice perfectly suited to a young (and young at heart) audience. I believe Errol the Dragon has much to engage today's new readers by means of its strong fantasy element, which children crave, and also by the solace it offers, which they frequently require.

This is an intelligent and lovely novel, and it's my bookshelf now. Very best of luck with it--
E.R.

ERROL, THE DRAGON

a BHCG review

COVER: I like it...has a fun homemade quality and is fine for authonomy. Should you ever want something slightly more professional looking please feel free to ask me.

TITLE: good. does not leave me questioning it.

SHORT PITCH: Good!
LONG PITCH: This doesn't flow as smoothly as I think it could. Not sure I need the location description first line.
I'd combine the 2nd/3rd sentence.
I'd get rid of the But at the start of the next paragraph.
"allowing themselves just to be, not least a water dragon" is clunky and I'm not sure exactly what you mean.
Last paragraph is clunky as well...
Possibly: This is a story for parents and children to share, to learn about taking pride in who you are. We often forget we inhabit a world full of magic and wonder, and it is foolish to think something doesn't exist simply because we have not seen it.

TEXT: there is a lot of extraneous info in the prologue (info dump) that might be more appreciated filtered in later in the text. It's obviously not my story to tell and this is purely subjective but I'd keep it much shorter...possibly only including, if any of it at all, from The Flint's home was a lovely house... onward...and add in necessary info about characters as they come on the scene or where it's necessary to understand who they are later in the text
No doubt children will enjoy this once it's smoothed over.
Best of luck to you!
-=Bradley

Ana,

I read up to the middle of the chapter after the prologue. Although this is far from what I usually read -being a children's story- I could relate to the parts concerning the fantasy elements. Your descriptions are colorful and your world an imaginative one.

You say on your profile that you are aware of typos, and that is why I didn't take any notes. I will, however, have to say that your opening chapter needs editing in other areas as well. Mostly concerning repetitiveness and short sentences that could be one.

This is could be a great opening for an engaging tale for the little ones, and I will assign 5 stars to it to encourage you to pay attention to your sentence structure.

Yannis

Ana,
I read your synopsis and first chapter of Errol, the dragon. It's a very imaginative tale with great appeal to young readers with vivid imaginations. I love your descriptive prose and could easily imagine the three children when they encounter the mysterious creature. You describe the setting is such exquisite detail and paint clear images with words. Six stars for this magical tale of extraordinary imaginative depth.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Errol, the dragon

Ana,

The pitch intrigued me a great deal so I’m in for an enjoyable read.

Excellent start – the opening sentence is gorgeous – ‘one dark night’ – I love that!
A storm and three children, scared but watching the sea and storm. Your manner of writing makes this into a compelling read from the very first line – excellent comparison of lightning and thunder to a blacksmith working in his forge, carving new rocks and trees.
‘She had never had to call her children, the smell of her food did it for her.’ – I love this sentences :)
Your characterization of each child is marvelous – each is unique and yet they are siblings.
The part with scavenging for “treasure” appealed to me greatly. And here Errol appears! Nice! The ending is a great hook to keep reading.
In Chapter 1 I love the way you interact with the reader: ‘Oh, I wish you could have seen them.’ Great start! Six stars, no doubt.

Ivan Amberlake

Hi Ana,
Jesse Powell suggested I check this out, so here I am! Certainly not disappointed. There are some small things that might need a scrub here or there, but overall, I love the simplicity of the writing--perfect for kids--and the flow is fantastic. You tell a fluid story and I'll be recommending this to folks. Six stars from me, and I'll keep it on my shelf rotation list for when I have room. It definitely deserves to be higher up the ranks on the ED's desk.

If you get a chance, I'd invite you to check out my pitch and if it interests you to read more. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks and good luck with this.

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi. This is a BHG crit. and as always, is from this one reader, no expert myself, just commenting as I went.

My crit. is in two parts, really, because what I noticed was this - some shakiness at the start, which I will detail below when I get to the 'nit-picky' bit where I pick up any typos or mention things that struck me wrongly.

Thing is, when it picked up, I really loved this book. Someone mentioned below about the LANGUAGE and it's inteneded audience. I actually thought that the general tone was fine for your target and also noticed some 'big' words in there (eg coruscated) that would suggest an older one. However, I learnt so many new words and ideas as a child by being challenged that I think it's fine you keep these.

I loved the whole voice and tone of the writing - a slighty (in a good way) old fashioned way of going about things - with the authorial intrusions and the chapter headings as to what will happen. I like this, and I think it imparts its own kind of magic. There is an ongoing 'fairy story' and magical feel to the whole thing and some wonderful words and descriptions - 'that spell of magic called happiness...' 'a quietness like the absense of happy days......' 'within those walls slept the memory of many a story....' and so on - and the whole description of the mysterious things in the attic - games that no one knows how to play any more etc.

I liked the author intrusions - 'that's why we met them there on the night of the storm.....' - 'don't worry, this story is not about them...' etc.

Also I love the ideas - I ADORED the father's idea that their height would determine their entry into the real world for instance - very deep in fact, as an idea, that moment when a child lays down the things of their youth and moves on.

The story really comes into its own about a third of the way in to the first chapter, after which I sailed on. I wonder if you need to look at the start a bit more closely? Or it may just be me.

PITCH - perhaps could do with clarifying? Cut the long pitch down a little or seperate paras?

PLOT - like this. Again a mixture of childrens (the dragon,the 'problem' family and the adult - the family fractured, the philosophical elements that you mention at the end of the long pitch. I think this is really unusual and could be two seperate reads. Something a child might return to when older, read again, and pick up a whole other story.

NIT PICK bit:
'Three little faces.... the attic window.....' - should it be 'an' attic window? since we don't know where they are yet, or who they are - which is why the 'three little faces works. it's also more mysterious.

Do you need a comma after 'that' - 'thomas, the eldest, thought that, as the man.......

I wondered what modern readers would make of the old fashioned idea of Thomas having to be brace and in charge because he was now 'the man of the house' - as if he even took precedence over his mother as a grown woman? It annoyed me as a child reader, and although its fantasy I wonder if its not a bit of an archaic idea now?

'lightening....' means to get brighter. You want 'lightning..... and thunder..'

I wondered about the sound slowly rising up over the cliffs until it reached the attic as clearly that's not how it works and jarred with me.

Loved the 'bundle' of the flint siblings but moles don't run. They burrow slowly underground, so that didn't sound right.

typo - 'left then unscathed....' you want 'them'

So. Overall, after a tricky start it warmed up, hit its stride and took off. I love it and will go on to read more than I have had time to do here for this crit.
Cariad.

Ana,

I decided to come over and take a look at your work for the BHCG. I'm working on trying to be more brutal, but unfortunately I'm not that great at grammar. So I can't nit pick and give that type of advice. However, I can give you the first impressions from a regular reader. I thought that the pitch had a great hook and that it is engaging for children all the way to adults. The idea behind the story is original and I'm looking forward to seeing it go far. I enjoyed your descriptions and I love the name of your MC. Very innovative. If you ever want me to come back and look for something specific let me know. For now though, I truly don't see anything(In chapter 1) that needs improvement. You've done what we all strive to do and make the reader want to turn the page.... I'm giving you high stars and I will be back for more. I will comment if I see anything that jumps out at me as needing improvement along the way though! Good luck!

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

P.s. Thanks again for pointing out the error on my bio! :)

what a fascinating 'bedtime' story you got. It truly feels like that's what you were aiming for. It had the right mood and tone and it read so easily. Your writing is superb. I don't have any comments to make on it except that toward the end I thought it could have been trimmed just a little. Not much though. But the image that amazed me the most was the three kids looking out the window at the see AND when they were looking out at the garden. OMG! that's all I said when you starting describing the kids while my image of them staring out waiting for there father, or protecting their father some how with their magical children powers (imagination of course, not real) was hugely rewarding to read. I don't know why the image of the three looking out at the garden was so powerful but it had something to do with the idea that the kids were always together. They didn't fight. They loved each other and they had thought the same thing to a certain extent. I love the ending. Just Leah being described seeing the Errol was just something I don't see that often. It was magical. It felt like magic. 6 stars. Future backing hopefully when I get the space. Will definitely come back since I only read one chapter at a time no matter how good it is.

Kia ora Ana -A BHCG review,

I don't tend to stick to the template but comment on things that strike me as a reader.

I think you have the makings of something special here. This story has a unique, solemn, fable-like tone which reminds me of one of my favourite children's books, The King of the Copper Mountains. It is lovely to see this tone again and for me herein lies the magic because this tone transports the reader into another realm. I can also see the love and care which have gone into the imagery.
For me, I think you include a little too much imagery and similes at times, especially describing the cliffs. Don't overload the reader with similes- it also slows down the plot - sometimes just describing dark, jagged rocks is enough to create atmosphere. You do this so well with the opening of ' three faces at the window' such a strong image and no need for imagery.

The language is pitched perfectly for a MG audience - I think some of your sentences ( I also have this problem) could be slimmed down and tightened as they are a bit convoluted for a MGer - I'd say especially look at the omniscient parts.

A few unnecessary adjectives - the mysterious creature - no need for this - it's already mysterious
A few bit of imagery didn't quite work- the paths writhing and the path's like a woman's hair in the wind.

HOWEVER, the overwhelming majority of this is beautifully described - just a bit of tightening needed. I just wonder also a out the children - at the moment the reader's eye seems to be observing them from a distance - I'm sure this is intentional and part of the scene- setting- but I wonder if sometime you might want to move the 'camera' closer, to build characterisation and imagery of the children.
I hope these comments help.

All in all, I feel this is a story rich in beauty and in potential.
Highly starred
Kaal Kaczmarek

- Errol the Dragon -

(the prologue and chapters one and two)

It's difficult for me to comment on books written for children as I certainly don't possess the skills required to write one myself. I have enjoyed what I've read here though. The writing flows well, often poetically and at times quite beautifully. There were a couple of times in chapters one and two where I wondered whether some of the vocabulary might be a bit out of children's understanding but this was only occasional and, as I say, I am in no position to judge.

I did find myself smiling at the dragon a lot as he seemed very cute. The children came through more as the chapters progressed and are definitely sympathetic and likeable. I did wonder whether we could have had more of a sense of them as people through a bit more interaction, dialogue or an anecdotal piece of backstory or two but, again, I don't know the genre so I'm quite out of my depth.

A few notes, which I hope will be of some use.

- 'none wanted to be the first one in telling the others' (prologue). Should it not be 'to tell the others'?

- 'She imagined herself a protective spirit that could keep her father safe'. There is Some room for ambiguity here. Does she imagine that she herself is the spirit or is she imagining a spirit to herself? Could perhaps do with rewording.

- 'their eyes shined'. The less common past tense of 'shine' is usually used when the verb takes an object, e.g 'The police officer shined a light on them.' In the passage from your chapter one, 'shone' would probaly be better.

- 'Their Saturdays were an especial time.' (chapter two) 'especial' sounds a little strange. Perhaps 'special' would be better.

I hope the notes have been of some use. As I say, I found the writing very accomplished. I can only apologise that I am not better placed to give a more constructive comment.

All the best with it,

Ross

A Brutally Honest Critique Group Review

ERROL, THE DRAGON
Ana Lua

Your writing is rich with lush metaphors you use like a poet. I simply cannot say enough about how much your writing appeals to me. There are countless rest areas along the way that call to me to stay and savor the beauty. I particularly enjoy reading this kind of prose.

In showing us a storm, you evoke a strength that is as wondrous as the dwarves of old times at their work:

“Lightening and thunder appeared when the blacksmith was working in his forge, smiting his hammer against the anvil.” Then later where Leah first meets Errol you bring the image back:

“. . . on a bright morning at the end of summer after the smith had shaped the world again when she found a kind of treasure she was not looking for.”

What incredible insight you have into the minds and souls of children. I love how you explore their special ways of dealing with their young lives. You say:

“Leah spent most of her time in a far away land. She did not belong to the world yet.”

I am rather like Leah and feel I have never belonged to the world. So this rings true with me. I am sure it is more important to write from the heart than to pay too much attention to editing. It seems that can be handled after you get the story on its feet, standing firm as a complete entity. Your novel lives and breathes for me.

Later in Chapter One where you speak of children with these words:

“As they grow start to think that what surrounds them should become part of them. And that is the beginning of many misfortunes. Do not tremble, this story is not about them.”

Not only is this telling but it is likely what is termed an author's intrusion. It was the first of many such observations in these chapters. I don't care. I loved it. I see this style of yours as a delightful way of drawing me in and including me as if I were actually there. It was as if I were sitting at the feet of a beloved storyteller, listening to this tale of the innocence and pure hearts of children. I felt as if I were part of your story. You might consider their mother, once her children are all grown up, reveals she has known all along how her children were growing in their own good time. It is as if she is relating it all to another generation, maybe her grandchildren.

I have read through Chapter Four and seeing that this is posted as incomplete, I feel I already will go the distance with this most worthy story. I would truly appreciate the opportunity to read it to the end should you have it available now or in future. I beg you to inform me when that takes place.

My congratulations to you on achieving what most of us writers hope to do. You have provided a work of art that is enriching and entertaining. Thank you.

Backed with pleasure.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

This is very beautifully written, poetic is the right word to describe it. The narrative has a real lilt to it, and your descriptions are vivid enough for me to be able to visualise it in my head. I suppose my only critiscm is that I found the start slow with an awful lot of narrative and not enough dialogue. I don't really read childrens books but would have thought dialogue would be needed throughout to keep their attention? Also, you have some misplaced commas. Aside from that though, I loved your writing style and the cover is beautiful. Reminds me of Liv Tyler's character from Lord of The Rings for some reason. Highly starred.

Silva

Such a thoughtful and refreshingly different approach to the fantasy genre, Ana. I'm featuring 'Errol, the Dragon' on my website today (in the Sci-fi & Fantasy section) because it has a fable quality to it that makes the work stand out from the run-of-the-mill dragon fare. An inspiring young adult tale that has all the proper elements to appeal to today's youth, IMHO--very best of luck with it!

CHEERS--
E.R.

OMG! This is incredibly neat! You have a gift. It is extremely difficult to have a narrator without it being interuptive, overbearing, or giving away too much. I was going to ask, "Is this children's?" and it is tagged as such. You have a strong grasp on beautiful metaphors. This is well wrought with next to zero grammar errors. I would gladly read this to my kid. Excellent! Six stars. HC would gladly take this I feel.

This is a BHCG Review.
When I was very young, my Scottish father often told me stories of a girl named Penelope and her dragon. I have a soft spot for any stories with a dragon. Your is a very charming one.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
I think this is an adorable story. The real test of its narrative flow will be to read it to a couple dozen squirming second graders.

Pacing – too much backstory or too little
Seems appropriate to me.

Characters/Characterization
I immediately like the three children. I really like Old Ben!
Point of View/Voice

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
This book will be read aloud, so as difficult as it sounds, a great technique for editing is to read it out loud to yourself. Listen for cadence and rhythm; they must be present for a children’s book to succeed.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
My alter ego, the Grammar Hag, handles this section. She’s an acquired taste.
You use many verbs of being. Action verbs do a better job of conveying meaning to the reader. For example, the third sentence could say, “Three little faces watched…” When parents read all those vibrant verbs to their little ones, they’ll make much bolder pictures in their happy little heads.
-never mind, you are probably too young for glasses- Lose the dashes: Never mind, you are probably too young for glasses. There are a couple of other sentences punctuated in this way.
“Errol, Errol the dragon” I think that should be “Errol, Errol the Dragon.”
Quotation marks go outside of periods and commas.
You’ve used some lovely words, like propitious and somnolent, that I doubt many children will know. Their parents may be hard pressed to know them. I like an ambitious word now and then, but if this is written for children, some may be too unusual. On the other hand, if you can provide meaning clues in context then every Reading teacher will adore you.
“Pete’s tiny feet sprang to the door as if they had been his mothers after seeing a mouse.” Your image is incomplete. Perhaps his feet sprang to life as quickly as his mother’s after seeing a mouse.

Dialogue
I’d recommend allowing the children to tell more of the story in dialog. This is where parents, dads especially, like to put on silly voices.

Originality
A very charming story.

Publishability
I am way out of my element here. Although I’ve read many a children’s book to my children, I don’t have any idea what’s needed in the genre now.

~Audrey

This is your BHCG crit from me. Feel free to ignore anything that's not helpful!

Firstly, I want to say that I like the voice a lot - it's almost lit fic for children - the kind of writing I would hope my own children would one day read.

Plot and Pacing:
According to the pitch, this is certainly interesting. Plenty to talk about with kids after they have read it. But although the voice draws me and I'm enjoying gettingto know the characters and their background, I feel as if it takes too long for the action to actually happen. Even just a sentence foreshadowing the discovery of the dragon would help this. But then, you do say that right at the beginning - and I love your opening line, full of intrigue - maybe it's a case of cutting out some of the stuff between the storm and the discovery of Errol (and weavingit elsewhere in the story). 

Characters:
You have a clear picture of these children in your head and it shows. I also love how the house itelf seems to have a personality - a grumpy house, a silence like an absence of happy days (lovely!). But I do wonder if you could characterise through dialogue a little more - there's only one line of dialogue in the entire first chapter and I think that can put off the reader, perhaps especially children.
I very much like that Pete is too young to be given a full name - but the only problem is it didn't quite ring true for me - in my experience boys shorten their name once they get to secondary school - an Edward becomes an Ed when he's a teenager, then reverts to being Edward when he's working in the  City, for example. That's just my experience though. Maybe if you gave him a nickname of the kind children have when their siblings can't pronounce their full names?

Sentence level
As I've said, I like the voice, but there are a few things that need fixing. You use the word siblings a lot - could you replace it with brother and sister from time to time? The fourth paragraph also repeats "thinking". If you read yur work out loud it can be easier to catch these things.

"The Flints' home" is the correct spelling,  by the way...

There are some things you tell us, which I'd like to see you show us. "He jad begun to take great pains to show it" - I'm notsure this sentence really works, it isn't clear what you mean and then when I worked it out I thought it was a shame that you just stated this, rather than showing it. Maybe you do later - and if that's the case I think you could get rid of that sentence completely.

Originality and Publishability
I don't know enough to comment intelligently on these, except to say that with just a little polishing this could be truly great writing. 

Great short and long pitch, and a very promising story. It has the makings of a classic children's book, with characters children can identify with and plenty to fire the imagination plus the crucial thing every great children's book needs - fun for adults. Best of luck with it.

The beginning opens like a classic children's novel. The writing is solid and the mood developed straightaway. After the second paragraph I thought, "Ohh, this could be good," and I wished it was winter time so I could curl up with a cup of hot chocolate. Nice job bringing back memories of being a kid.

I liked the last line before the first scene break; however, I think the words in parenthesis eliminate the effect. Can you cut them?

There's some excellent figurative language weaved into your story. I liked: "The children's home was, as they had known it, an old grumpy house with roaring pipes in the winter."

I don't think I've read a single novel written in third person omniscient that I've enjoyed on authonomy. Until yours. You pull it off with ease.

Suggestions: Why not just, "And the children would not dare bother her." There's a lot of telling in this opening chapter. While some of it works well, I feel a bit more showing would help bring your reader in better. Careful to mix up your paragraph starters. After the first scene break, you used "the" to start three straight paragraphs. "Outside the attic lay the Flint's home" makes it feel like the attic isn't part of the house. I'd consider rewording. The set-up is effective, but it goes on a bit long. Once I reached the paragraph that starts, "The children had taken the attic..." I was ready for the story to begin. Along the same lines, you sometimes spend a bit too much time describing things. Your story doesn't really begin until after the second scene break. Some would argue that you should start your story there since the first few pages are mostly filled with background information. I, on the other hand, would just like to get there a bit sooner. Can you trim from the opening pages? I'm worried there may not be enough to grab the attention of the younger reader.

Typos: "And in undying twilight" is a fragment and I'm not sure what role it's playing here. Should be "low attic ceiling" or "attic's low ceiling.

There's a lot to like about this opening. It's well-written and well-constructed for the target audience. With a bit of polish, this will be even stronger. Great start!

Beautiful pitch. Beautiful writing style. I have read The Beginning. Really delightful. If the whole book is like this, your book is bound to be published soon. Cheers,
M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Beautiful pitch. Beautiful writing style. I have read The Beginning. Really delightful. If the whole book is like this, your book is bound to be published soon. Cheers,
M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of fate

I think that you have a very interesting book here and think it has the ability to really shine, but also think it needs a lot of work depending on who your target audience is.

I’m having a really hard time trying to determine who that is. I expected to read a story that was geared more towards children since it is classified as a children’s book. But the language is above any age bracket that I would see this book intended for, and I see complex sentence structures that I think are too. I can’t see siblings as a word that most children would understand. The phrase, his survivial instinct, isn’t one either. The use of the word, was, seems to flatten the action. You say the following sentence. (Three little faces were watching the sea from the attic window.) But if you take the WASs and WEREs out then it makes it feel more action-oriented. (Three little watched the sea from the attic window.) I sometimes think that you drag out what you're trying to say instead of getting straight to the point. Children’s attention spans are shorter. So, I think it’s better to not beat around the bush. The opening two sentences are a prime example. (It all started one dark night in the last days of summer. And it was brought by a storm.) And it also uses that dreaded word, was. Getting directly to the point could be written as follows. (It started one stormy night at the end of the summer.) Another example is the following. (Pete was still too young to receive a full name.) These are children that you are talking too? Would you actually ever say something like that to a child? I can see. (Pete didn’t know his first and last name.)
Another thing, I don’t get the feeling that this story is being told from the children’s perspective. An example of what I’m talking about is an entire section making the mother the vantage point. (Those nights she would not come upstairs to bother the children.) She, the mother, is the primary person. The children are the secondary in this sentence constraint. The perspective of the children could be written as. (Those nights the children did not expect their mother to come check on them.) Another example in this section is as follows. But first, forge and smiting aren’t words that most children are going to understand. (She had told them then lightning and thunder appeared when the blacksmith was working his forge, smiting his hammer against the anvil.) The children’s perspective would as follows. (The children knew from their mother that thunder and lightning were the blacksmith hammering on his anvil.) I’m not saying that these sentence should be written this way but I do believe that the perspective should be changed.

The style of writing was excellent and the character are well developed. Keep up the good work.

Based on reading your introduction and chapters 1 and 2 I liked your style of writing. The images that your descriptions created in my mind were clear, colourful and defined. The phrasing used was inventive and memorable, two I really liked being, the blacksmith creating the thunder, lightning and wind that made a new landscape after the storm and the clouds covering the sky like a winter quilt, but bring no warmth. I thought the story was paced well and I liked when you broke from telling the story to speak to the reader, I could see this format working very well with the books target audience. Going back to the imagery again my favourite by far was in chapter one when Leah steps closer to the dragon and extends her hand introducing herself, this painted such a great image for me. If Errol the Dragon was my work I would be seriously considering having the book illustrated to give even more life to your fantastic descriptions.

I take genuine pleasure in backing such a good book.

Good luck with Errol.

Andy.

Deep and thought provoking premise. You have some very strong characters with well-developed personalities. Although I do wonder if they are perhaps a little too well established a little too soon. I enjoyed all the information in the first couple of chapters, but at times it seem a bit too much. I love the story that’s building here but I think I would have preferred to have the information unfold a little more sparingly. I think it would help the reader settle better into the flow and get an easier sense of place.

That said, your description themselves are excellent. And you seem to have no problem with smooth flow of language. I very much like the font you have choosen. Made reading on screen much easier than usual.

Best of luck with this, and any changes you may or may not decide to make.

Janny

Very interesting begining of your story. May I point out that your descriptions although being really interesting are infesting the whole first chapter or prologue. May be IMO you could remove some and places them into forthcoming chapters. Only my suggestion. I enjoyed your story though. And your writing style is pretty polished. Fully rated. Good luck.

Daniela (pls place your thoughts And ratings on Water Goblin)

Thank you very much Daniela for your comment. I was actually interesting in testing the very aspect of balance of descriptions that you mention. So I shall take your view into account. I include Water Goblin in my reading list.

Very interesting begining of your story. May I point out that your descriptions although being really interesting are infesting the whole first chapter or prologue. May be IMO you could remove some and places them into forthcoming chapters. Only my suggestion. I enjoyed your story though. And your writing style is pretty polished. Fully rated. Good luck.

Daniela (pls place your thoughts And ratings on Water Goblin)